Original subtitles

Ground floor, perfumery, stationery and leather goods. Wigs and haberdashery.

Kitchenware and food going off.

First floor, telephones, gents' ready -made suits.

Shirts, socks, tie -pads, underwear and shoes going off. Good morning, Captain

Deacock. 8 .58.

As departmental head of ladies' ready -made, I hardly think it necessary for

to clock in like a char.

I'm not asking you to do anything that I have not done myself, Mrs. Slocum.

Captain Peacock, 831.

And what has happened to Miss Browns? She isn't late. She's powdering her

She ought to sign in first. It was very urgent that she powdered it when she

did.

And I gave her permission so to do.

Morning, Captain.

Morning.

Morning, Captain Peacock.

Eight fifty -nine and ten.

Ten seconds.

I would have been here at eight fifty -eight, but I caught my handbag in the

middle.

Handbag? Well, it's Miss Brahms, actually. She left it on the stairs.

She must have been in rather a hurry.

Besides, I wouldn't be seen dead with imitation crocodile.

Not with these shoes, anyway.

Morning, Mr. Granger.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Humphrey. My word, we have got nice rosy cheeks this

morning. Yes, I walked through the park in order to give my toast crusts to the

ducks. My wife doesn't like me to leave them, but these new teeth of mine are a

little too much for them.

You know, even the ducks have to wait until they go soggy.

They'll probably be all right when you've run them in a bit.

That was a mere thing.

Not quite dear enough, Mr. Lucas.

It is one minute past nine.

Oh, dear, have all the customers gone?

Mr.

Lucas, you are expected here at nine o 'clock, not one minute after.

Oh, well, Captain, I was here. I was outside at five minutes to nine, but

as I was coming in, a man was crossing the road and he got knocked down.

A tall, military -looking man he was. Oh, dearie me, I thought, it's Captain

Peacock. He was early like me and he's got knocked down crossing the road.

My heart was in my mouth, sir.

I thought to myself, not Captain Peacock, not struck down at the height

career. Stand back, I said, I'll give my blood for Captain Peacock.

Anyway, by the time I'd fought my way through the crowd, found out it wasn't

but some dirty old tramp and then got back here and it was one with the

Oh, just a minute, sir. What is it?

A small insect has cracked out of your carnation and crouched on your collar.

Deal with it, Lucas. Certainly, sir.

There you are, it's dead.

Was there anything else, sir?

Yes. Get me a 15 and a half collar from stock and then present yourself at Mr

Rumble's office at 9 .15 with your sales book.

Yes, sir.

Sorry I'm late, Captain Peacock. That's all right, Miss Brown.

Oh, it's all right for her, is it?

She has been powdering her nose. Well, why is it so shiny, then?

To your counter, Mr Lucas.

Sir. Take your coat.

Did you have a nice little chat?

He said, I've got a report to Rumbold at 9 .15 with my sales book. What does

that mean? Well, in the terms of the Almighty's grand plan for the universe,

very little.

But as far as you're concerned, it probably means you'll be at the labour

exchange at half past nine.

I was struggling with this for ten minutes yesterday, and in front of a

customer, too.

Mine's just as bad.

In this damp weather, it's always the same.

I'd better give it a bit of encouragement.

Are they all there, do you think?

Well, they should be, Mr. Rumbolt. It's nearly five past nine.

Right, I'll go and have a word.

Is Captain Peacock there? He's just arrived, sir. He's just putting his

on. What?

We expect you to get dressed before you arrive at Grace Brothers, Captain

Peacock. I do not expect to find you unattired at five past nine.

I can explain, sir. I don't want to hear any excuses. I want to have a word with

all the members of your department.

Of course, of course.

Mr. Granger, would you step this way, please, if you're free?

Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Humphrey, Mr. Lucas?

Free, Captain Peacock. Oh, very free, Captain Peacock. Step this way.

Mrs. Slocum, Miss Brahms, one moment, please.

Miss Brahms?

Before we go any further, Mr. Rumbold, Miss Brahms... and I would like to

complain about the state of our drawers.

They're a... They're a positive disgrace.

Your what, Mrs. Slocum? Our drawers. They're sticky.

And they're all the same in damp weather.

Really? Miss Browns could hardly shift hers at all just now.

No wonder she was late.

They sent up a man who put beeswax on them.

I'm not surprised.

I think they need sandpapering.

Would that help, do you think, Peacock?

Well, you see, I puff French chalk on mine, and they're as smooth as silk.

Perhaps you could puff some French chalk over Mrs. Slocum's.

Would that solve your problem, Mrs. Slocum? They ought to be changed.

I've had them ever since I've been here.

We could look into it some other time, Mrs. Slocum. Mr. Rumbold has matters of

much more pressing nature to discuss.

They're very pressing as far as I'm concerned.

Perhaps Mr.

Rumbold would like to have a go and see how far he gets.

I think we should consider the matter closed for the moment, Mrs. Slocum.

Now, I have been deeply distressed to learn of the slump in our sales over the

past four weeks, which I'm sure you've all observed.

Yes, I have observed it.

Haven't you, Mr. Granger? Oh, a very definite slump, I would say. Had you

observed it, Mr. Humphrey? Oh, I've observed it, Mr. Granger. You observed

too, didn't you? Oh, yes, I have.

I have observed it, Mr. Humphrey. Oh, yes. If you remember rightly, I

it to you last Tuesday.

Yes, and I mentioned it to you, Captain Peacock. That's right.

That's what caused me to discuss it with you, sir.

I think that's what first alerted me to the crisis.

Now, the thing is, I don't want to put too fine a point upon it. Why?

Ah.

Have you any theories to advance, Mr. Graydon? I'm sure you've been with us

longer than most.

Well, from a very considerable experience in the trade, I would say

things come and go.

That's very true, of course. And very profound.

What about you, Mr. Humphreys?

As departmental head of the ladies' section, I think I should have been

next. Of course, Mrs. Slocum, I'm sorry. Have you any suggestions?

No.

But I do like to be asked.

Well, I think it's the weather, don't you, Mr. Dupre? Yes, yes, that's it.

Definitely, definitely, yes, definitely. Oh, it's the weather, yes.

That, plus the fact we've had no customers.

Well, the points that you've all raised are very valid, but I think the time has

come for action.

Hear, hear.

Thank you.

I therefore think it would pay us to examine our whole customer handling

technique. And to that end, I shall be holding a course.

in salesmanship, a class in salesmanship, this evening after the

You mean in our own time?

It's very short notice.

There's my pussy to consider.

I beg your pardon?

Who's going to let it out?

If it's not convenient, I shall of course understand. But I would remind

that unless sales improve, we shall have to cut down on our stuff.

Oh, it's convenient.

I suppose it'll be all right.

Tiddles would have to cross his legs.

I presume you will not be needing me, sir. I have two tickets for the Tidworth

tattoo.

Your attendance would be valuable, Captain Peacock. It's ta -ta to the

Yes, well, I think that's all for the moment. Oh, Mr. Lucas, perhaps you will

come to my office now. I want to go over your personal sales record for the past

month. Oh, and bring your book with you.

I don't know what you want your book for. I would have thought you'd remember

your sales.

All three of them.

Oh, charming.

Hey -ho, hey -ho, it's out of work we go.

Honestly,

it's the limit. They don't consider your private life at all.

Did you have a date?

No, but I might have had.

I suppose I ought to phone Mrs. Granger and tell her to keep the pie warm in the

oven. Yes, tell her to turn the regular down to a quarter. If she hardens that

crust, it'll play havoc with your gums.

Right positions, everybody. The meeting's over.

Come along, Mrs. Come along, please.

Coming, Mr. Lucas.

I

believe

you wanted to have a little chat with me, sir.

Shut the door, please.

Now, Lucas.

I have here your personal sales graph.

I presume you know what this means.

Are you... Are you sure it's the right way up, sir?

I'm afraid so.

I presume you understand it.

Well, if I was a doctor, the patient would be dead.

There is no cause for levity.

It's nerve, sir.

Understandable. Nonetheless, this is a very poor performance.

I always say that there is a reason for a talk to fall.

Now, a happy salesman is a good salesman.

And you don't look happy, Mr. Lucas.

I think if you could smile more, it would help.

I'm sorry if I haven't been smiling enough, Mr. Rumble.

But there must be a reason. Are you... And I don't wish to pry, but are you

unhappy at home?

Ah, yes.

That could very well be it, yes.

And now we're getting somewhere. Sit down and tell me about it. Thank you.

It's my environment, you see, sir.

You see, I've only got this one jabby little room. In Highgate, isn't it?

yeah. Very poor part of Highgate, though, mind. I mean... And ever since

in that Asian to help make ends meet, well...

The strain has been too much for my crippled mother and she's had to give up

job at the skating rink.

Take it, take it, taking the ticket.

I had no idea.

Yes.

Well... What with that and the fact that

the... the cat's got asthma and has been coughing... Well, what with all that

and also the fact that I have to...

We have to cook on a broken old gas ring. Well, there are days when somehow

seems to have lost its magic.

And particularly since we had an eviction order this morning.

But as you suggest, Mr. Rumbold, I will do my best and try and smile a bit more.

This really is the most terrible story, is it?

I think it should be entered into your record.

Ah, yes.

Now, let me see. You live in Cripplegate. Aye, gay.

Right, right. And your mother is an Asian.

No, no, it's okay.

Your mother has a cough. No, no, the cat's got a cough.

And you're supporting this Asian on a broken gas ring.

Shall I write it down for you?

Yes, well, if the elastic goes again, we'll return them to the manufacturers.

Good morning, madam.

Good morning, madam.

Good morning.

Mrs. Slocum, I hope your cat won't suffer unduly from its enforced

Oh, it's not confined.

It's shut up.

Well, let's hope that you won't be too late.

And too bad about your tattoo, Captain Peacock.

I always thought to toes with things you did on men's chests with needles and

blue ink.

Not only on men's chests, Miss Browns.

Captain Peacock, what will you say next?

Well, as a matter of fact, it reminds me of a bit of doggerel I picked up in the

mess.

Oh, yes.

On the chest of a barmaid from sale was tattooed all the prices of ale.

Passed on her behind, for the sake of the blind, was precisely the same, but

braille.

Will that be all, Captain Peter?

I do hope your husband likes the sweater, Mel. And the washing

very simple. Use lukewarm water, no soap.

No detergent, and don't put it in the washing machine.

And don't dry it in the sun or in front of an open fire.

Oh, and madam, if I were you, half revs on the spin dryer.

You're back quick. I was just going to start a collection for your leaving

present.

I'll talk myself out of it. I'm staying on. What did you tell him about your

grandfather in the iron lung and how you can't afford a shilling for the meter?

Now, I gave him the crippled mother with the Asian and the asthmatic cat.

You used a lot of material there.

What did he say?

He said I should try and smile a bit more.

Is that it?

Take that silly grin off your face, Mr. Lotus.

It's very bad for trade.

You just can't win, can you? Take a notice of him. He's jealous.

If he tried it, they'd drop on the floor.

Are you talking, Lucas, as a customer?

A customer? We'd better have a two -minute silence.

Don't be facetious, Mr. Lucas.

Your future with this firm is still very much in the balance, you know.

Mr. Granger, are you free?

Oh, yes, yes, I'm free.

Yours.

I beg your pardon?

Shop!

Are you being served?

No, and I'd like to see the assistant who served me last Tuesday. Oh, yes,

that'll be our Mr Humphreys, I think.

Mr Humphreys, are you free?

Yes, I'm free, Mr Gregor.

Good morning, sir. Can I help you?

No, it wasn't who I wanted.

He was younger and good -looking.

It had to happen eventually.

It must be Mr.

Lucas. Are you free, Mr. Lucas?

Oh, as free as air, Mr. Glenn.

Yes, that's the one I want.

There's no accounting for taste.

Well, I'll leave you with Mr.

Lucas.

Yes, I remember you, sir.

You're the gentleman I sold the Glenn check for the two vents to last Tuesday.

That's right. And you said if I decided I didn't like it, I could bring it back

and you'd refund my money.

Did I say that?

Yes. And I don't like it.

Well, you did like it.

It's my wife that doesn't like it.

Yeah, well, Glencheck, take a bit of getting used to.

I don't want to get used to it. I just want my money back.

If I may interrupt for the moment, sir.

We are, of course, willing to accept the return of your garment, but it is not

our policy to refund.

We can, however, give you a credit.

Note for that amount. But he said if I didn't like it, I could have my money

back.

Did you say that?

I might have done.

Like? Well, in a sudden rush of enthusiasm, I might have given that

Mr. Lucas, did you or did you not say that the customer could have his money

back? I must have an answer.

How would a loose yes do?

Well, in the light of Mr. Lucas's confession, sir, we have no alternative

return your money.

Lucas Till.

Oh, things seem to be improving for you, Mr. Lucas.

How much am I to ring up? Ring down £20 .50.

Ring down? Glass of water, Mr. Granger.

What a load of old codswallop this is.

Well, are you going out tonight, then? No.

out to the pictures with me then.

What's done?

Well, there's Bambi at Studio 2 and then round the corner there's the

unsatisfied virgin.

I've seen Bambi.

Don't forget that because by the time Rumble's finished rabbiting on, the

will have been sacrificed and they'll all have gone home.

I'll tell you what, you pretend to faint and I'll carry you out.

I can't faint without an excuse.

Well, tell them you're having a baby.

Would it be to your ear holes aren't a bit bigger? Why?

because then you could shove a toothbrush in him and clean out that

of yours.

Look out, here comes Rumbled.

Is everybody here?

Oh, just coming, Mr Rumbled.

I was putting my evening face on.

And it's even lovelier than the morning one, Mrs Logan.

Oh, thank you, Mr Lucas.

Right, well, delegated, Mr Humphreys, do get some refreshments from the canteen,

sir. Hot cocoa and buns.

Hot cocoa, Miss Brahms? Did you hear that? Hot cocoa and buns.

It makes the whole thing worthwhile.

Of course, there'll be a collection for it.

Oh, I think the management would allow that out of the petty cash.

Oh, that's most generous, Mr. Rumbold. Yes, the great brothers certainly know

how to look after their workers.

Oh, well, we do our best. A satisfied team is an efficient team.

And a satisfied virgin is a virgin no longer.

Dinner is served.

I thought it.

Right,

now then.

Oh, where's Mr. Granger?

He was here a short time ago, sir.

Taking stock of his shirt, sir. See if you can find him, Mr. Lucas, will you?

Oh, yes, certainly, Captain Peacock. He's probably putting his evening set of

teeth in.

Mr. Granger!

Mr. Granger!

Mr... I've got some bad news.

I think Mr. Granger's died at his post.

Unless I'm terribly mistaken, he's gone down with his shirt.

Don't be witty, Mr. Lucas.

After this morning's incident, your continued employment with Grace Brothers

a matter for grave doubt.

Oh, soul, he's been on his feet all day.

He probably goes to sleep about this time on the train.

Granger? Mr. Granger?

Mr. Granger?

Mr. Brown?

Mr. Granger?

You're bawdy.

One hesitates to lay hands on him, but... No, no, no, I wouldn't devour

Rumble. No, no, no. I mean, just think of it. Sudden shock, heart attack, kicks

the bucket.

News of the world, aged worker died at the hands of overseer. That wouldn't

good on me.

Please, Captain Peacock, I think I know what to do.

Are you free, Mr. Granger? Yes, I'm free.

Good afternoon, Mr. Granger. I think we're ready for you now. Oh, I'm ready.

Now, if you'll all take your places.

Now then, the first question we have to decide on is, do we take our cocoa and

buns now, or do we wait until we've been going for an hour or two?

Perhaps you should ask the ladies.

Mrs. Clocombe, do you feel like having cocoa and buns now?

I never feel like having cocoa and buns.

If I'd known the firm was going to be so stingy, I'd have gone out and had a

wimpy cheeseburger.

I believe there's some cheese in the buns.

I don't like cheese.

There's not very much cheese in the buns.

Well, I feel I should mention that young Mr. Grace may be coming through during

our conference, so perhaps it would be as well to eat now and get to the... Get

the banquet over and done with, yes.

I'll take it then. And let's not bother about seniority. Let's just dive in, eh?

Good idea.

Would you like to be mother, Mrs. Slocum?

Well, seeing as I'm not having any, I don't see why I should be lumbered

it out.

Perhaps you'd do the honours, Captain Peacock. Certainly.

He's been a softer one, he's been very hard.

I'll see if I can find you a softer one, Mr... Wait a minute.

Do you mind?

Those that you haven't squeezed around, he's got his chops around.

Puts me off.

Aren't you going to have one, Mr Rumble?

No, I don't think I want one, thank you.

Anyone else for an half -eaten cheese roll?

Anyone for the cheese inside, then?

Hardly used. One careful owner.

Anyone not one coke roll?

Yes, but I'll have some just the same.

Oh, that army training certainly came in useful, Captain Beaver.

Now, shall we get down to the purpose for which we are come together?

I was wondering when we were going to get round to that.

I think it would pass to examine our whole modus operandi, as it were. These

are the handling of customers from the moment they arrive to the moment when we

make the sale.

Or not.

I sometimes regard our whole organisation as a ship at sea.

That peacock here is at the helm, keeping his eyes skinned. I am in the

room, making sure we're all going full steam ahead.

And you men are the crew.

What's it called, the Titanic?

And what about the ladies?

You're the crew, too.

Now, what happens when the lift doors open and out steps a customer? Your man,

the lifeboat.

Now, I will tell you what happens.

Captain Peacock spots him and steers him over to the counter.

I see, yes, I see, sir, yes. The customer has now become the ship.

And all the counters are docks.

And when he gets to one of our counters, we tie him up with our tape measure and

hang on to him until he's been unloaded.

That's not quite what I meant.

Perhaps if I could put it not more succinctly, but in a way that would be

easily grasped by those unable to understand your simile.

I look upon it as a battle.

The customer is the enemy.

We deploy our forces, lift doors open, customer steps out, and what happens? We

open up the machine guns and bang, bang, he's dead.

If we're going on like this, I'm going home.

Bear with me, bear with me. Now, I engage the customer in a little verbal

skirmish. He is then outflanked by the ever -alert Mr. Granger.

There it is.

Are you free, Mr. Granger? Yes, thank you.

Well, the trouble appears to be that some of the customers are getting away.

Now, where is the weak link in the chain?

I think you may have something there, Captain Peacock. Perhaps there is a weak

link in the chain.

Perhaps we really should examine our whole customer handling technique from

very beginning.

Now, I will be a customer. I shall arrive at the lift.

And I want you all to take it right through from the moment when Captain

spots me to the moment when we make the sail. Good idea, sir.

Now, I want you all to observe very carefully what happens. We may possibly

learn something from this.

Right. Now, deploy yourselves in our usual positions and keep your eyes open.

Mr. Rumbold says, we may all learn something from this.

Are we ready, Mr. Rumble?

He's stuck.

Get him out, Mr. Humphreys.

Well, we've certainly learned something, Miss Browns. We've learned that Mr.

Rumble doesn't know how to open the lift.

I'm sorry, I...

I pushed the floor button, then the lift moved, so I pushed the emergency top,

and then, of course, the doors wouldn't open.

Oh, there's somebody coming down in the other lift.

That'll be young Mr. Grace. Is my hair tidy?

Good

evening,

everybody.

I care you've been having a sales conference.

That's right, Mr. Grace. And it's been going very well, sir. I was a salesman

once, you know.

I had a stall in the market.

We sold fish.

Smelly stuff.

You were very wise to have a department store instead, Mr. Grace.

You've been having a good tuck -in, Mrs. Slocum?

Oh, yes, thank you, Mr. Grace. It was delicious.

Good. Well, I'm glad we're looking after you.

Well, you've all done very well. Well, it's time you all went home.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Green.

Coat, sir.

You're a cheeky young monkey, aren't you?

One of our most promising young men, sir. Well, sir, it's a good fit.

Nice material.

It's Vicuna, sir.

Yes, I always wear Vicuna.

Well, I'll take it.

Have it put on my account.

A very thoughtful sale.

Personally trained by me, sir. Yes, we could do with more of that sort.

Yes, indeed, sir.

Well, don't be late in the morning.

No, Mr. Grant.

You've all done very well.

Thank you, Mr. Grant.

He seems in a very good mood.

I've seldom seen him in such a good mood.

That was a very smart bit of selling, Mr. Lucas. You see, the smile does the

trick. Oh, it does indeed, Mr. Rumboltis.

You obviously know your stock very well.

Even I was unaware that we had a Vicuna coat.

We haven't.

Mr. Lucas sold Mr.

Grace his own coat.

Mr.

Lucas. Sold Mr. Grace Mr.

Lucas's coat?

No.

Mr. Lucas sold Mr.

Grace Mr. Grace's coat.

I see.

Well, I think we've all learned a great deal this evening.

Here, do you still fancy the unsatisfied virgin?

Well, I'm game at your game. All right.

I must practice that smile myself.

He is done.