Original subtitles

Ground floor, perfumery, stationery and leather goods. Wigs and haberdashery.

Kitchenware and food.

First floor,

telephones, gents' ready -made food.

Shirts, socks, high hats, underwear and shoes.

Thank you so much, madam. Good afternoon.

How are the sales going, Mrs. Slocum?

Well, in lingerie, pants are up and bras are down.

Turn the other way round, eh, Mrs. Logan?

Down, down, Captain Peacock. You mustn't say things like that in front of my

little assistant.

Don't worry about me. I don't wear them.

Hard, I mean.

I'm sure it's against staff regulations.

Still, I'm always prepared to look the other way.

Yeah, you could have fooled me.

Oh, I've no time for that man.

He's got such cold eyes. And such hot hands.

Well, I wouldn't know about that. If he tried anything like that with me, I'd

slap his chops.

Mr Lucas has got a customer who I am glad.

Yeah, but he doesn't sell him anything, though.

Oh, it is a shame.

He's so obliging, and he's such a gentleman.

You know, yesterday, when we were trapped in the lift, alone, together, he

didn't try anything.

Didn't he?

No. He just pressed the alarm bell and shouted for help.

Well, I think that fits very snugly, don't you, Mr. Huntley? Oh, very snugly,

Mr. Granger.

Aren't the sleeves a bit long? Oh, no, I think those will ride up with wear,

sir, don't you agree, Mr. Huntley? Oh, they'll definitely ride up, Mr. Granger.

Now, if you would just raise your arms up and down so that we see this.

Snug underneath the arms, yes.

I think that's snug, don't you?

Oh, there's plenty of ride there, Mr. Granger.

Enough to conduct a symphony orchestra.

Not in a sports coat, Mr. Humphrey.

Seems to be shorter at the front than at the back.

Ah, that's because you're standing upright, sir.

One does tend to do that when one is trying on new garments.

Really? Oh, yes, sir, yes. You see, if I stand upright like this, well, I'm up

at the front, aren't I, Mr. Granger?

You certainly are, Mr. Hamilton.

Why don't you try to stoop a little, sir?

Like this?

Yes, perhaps a little more.

There you are, you see.

Perfect.

Now, may I suggest a pair of trousers, sir, to complete the ensemble?

Oh, definitely a pair of trousers, Mr. Gray. What colour had you in mind, sir?

Oh, well, brown.

Isn't that extraordinary?

Do you know it was on the tip of my tongue to say brown? A very wise choice,

sir. You can hardly go wrong with brown. You can wear any kind of shoes, except

black.

Do you know your inside leg, sir?

Well, it was 31, I think. Would you like me to check it, Mr Granger?

No, thank you, Mr... I can manage.

You don't want it to slip again, do you?

What? Your trust.

I can manage, Mr Maynard.

measure, Mr Humphries. Tape, Mr Lucas. Tape, Mr Humphries. Tape, Mr Graves.

Thank you, Mr Humphries.

Failed.

What does it say?

Made in England, Mr Graves.

Thirty -one and a half, Mr Graves. Thank you, Mr Humphries.

I don't think that was very funny, Mr. Lucas.

Nearly gave me a heart attack.

Mr. Lucas, get me a pair of brown 40, 31 and a half. Well, no, I can't. I've got

a 34 in the fitting room. I'll get them for you, Mr. Granger.

You know, with your sales record, I wouldn't chance my arm at the practical

jokes. Well, I've got to relieve the monotony somehow. You know, that fellow,

customer's tried on so many jackets, he's practically worn his shirt out.

I wish he'd hurry up and make his mind up. What's the rush?

Well, I want to get over there and chat up Shirley. Who's Shirley?

Miss Brown.

Oh, we're on first -name terms now, are we? Yes, about as far as we have got.

I wouldn't have thought she was your type. Well, she's not. Mine's got

Don't let Peacock see you fraternising over there, otherwise you'll get the

rough edge of his tongue.

And I can tell you, it isn't very pleasant.

I know what, I'll send her a note.

Here, lend me your pencil.

Bit short on lead, aren't you?

What are you going to say?

Dear sexy knickers.

That's subtle.

Well, if you don't ask, you don't get, do you?

I don't ask, fancy you.

Well, I'm glad to see romance isn't dead.

Meet me outside at 5 .30 and we'll get it together.

What, outside? Right, at 5 .30, you'll be running.

Oh, you've decided on that one, have you, sir? Well, I like the pattern, but

jacket's much too tight under the arms.

Well, it's the biggest one we've got, sir. They do vary, sir. Perhaps if sir

would like to try on the trousers, I'll have a look.

Oh, thank you.

What are you talking about? That's the only one we've got. I know that. Now,

this is a little wrinkle worth knowing. Come over here. I don't want Peacock to

see.

Now, you've heard of putting the boot in. This is what's known in the trade as

putting the knee in.

You see, you put it over like that. Very crafty. And you pull until you break

all the stitches.

If you listen, you can hear them go.

There's a trick in every trade.

Well, the trick in this, Mr. Lucas, is to make sure that the customer gets it

home before the sleeves drop off.

Mr. Humphrey. Coming, Mr. Granger.

another one.

Would you mind, sir? We're in front of the hall. You can be seen by the whole

ladies' department.

Oh, look.

A man in a shirt, too.

Where? You've just missed it.

It's that Mr. Lucas, you know. He does it deliberately.

Oh, I'm sure he doesn't. It's not his fault. It's having to share the floor

the men's department.

Oh, he's there again. Look, in the fitting room.

His tiny shoe.

Oh, it's not good enough, though, really.

Oh, well, it wouldn't make the centre page of the Cosmopolitan.

Now, that's something I just can't understand.

Why anybody wants to buy a women's magazine with a picture of a nude man in

Oh, I think it's awful.

I thought Burt Reynolds looked quite sexy.

Well, he couldn't see anything. His arm was in the way.

Oh, that's much better. Oh, all the difference in the world.

Are these sleeves long enough? No, I wouldn't do that if I were you, sir. No,

they'll come down, sir, with wear. Will they? Oh, yes, sir, definitely. In fact,

the more you wear it, the quicker they'll come down.

I'm sure this is the same pattern as the last one. It looks a bit stronger to

me. I assure you it's the same, sir.

Absolutely identical.

You're often wrong about this sort of thing, you know.

Well, you are this time.

Nevertheless, I'd rather like to see the other one just to satisfy myself.

Would you?

Just a minute.

Mr Humphreys!

The customer would like to see the other jacket, the smaller one, the one that

he couldn't get on.

What a pity.

Just sold it. Oh, too bad.

The trouble you see, sir, they're going like hotcakes today.

Well, there's something wrong here.

Where? Look, when I go like this, one sleeve is shorter than the other.

Well... That's crazy. People don't very often stand like that, do they, sir?

Unless, of course, you're a midget pianist.

Perhaps you're right, but what about the trousers? They're too tight.

Do you use a shooting stick much, sir?

Yes, sir.

Under the... Yes, definitely.

Fortunately, they vary in size, too, sir. The trousers are... Would

you mind obliging by taking them off?

Are you free, Mr. Granger? Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

I'm just going to have a word with Captain Peacock. Take over for me, will

Mr. Granger? Yes, Mr. Granger.

Ernest, I've just had a complaint from Mrs. Slocum about young Mr. Lucas.

Go on.

Well, apparently he allowed one of his customers to appear in full view of her

department in a state of undress.

Are you sure, Stephen?

Oh, yes. She saw the whole thing quite clearly.

Well, then it's more serious than I thought.

It's a great pity, I think, that we have to share this floor with the ladies'

department. I thought it was working out rather well.

Well, I personally have a complaint to make also.

From a certain position in this department, one can see right through

ladies' fitting rooms.

Really?

Whereabouts from?

The corner of that counter.

Thank you, Ernest. I shall look into that and...

If I see anything, I shall most certainly make a complaint.

At the next monthly meeting, you know.

Aren't these trousers a bit long?

Well, it is the fashion nowadays for trousers to be worn much longer, sir.

that right, Mr. Lucas? Oh, yes, definitely, Mr. Humphreys. Jacket's very

and tight, so are the trousers very long. It also helps to keep the shoes

polished at the same time, you see.

Thank you, Mr. Lucas.

That is, of course, if they don't ride up with wear. Thank you, Mr. Lucas.

Well, sir, if you'd like to slip them off, I'll wrap them up with the jacket.

Look, are you quite sure these are all right? Sir, now, would I allow you to

leave this store if they were not?

Sail, Mr. Granger. Sail, Mr. Granger. I'll make her to build.

How did the new jacket fit? Oh, very snuggly, Mr. Humphrey.

I am just about to find the other pair of trousers.

T -trousers, Mr. Lucas?

Don't we know?

Well, you might have told me before.

Have you gone mad, Mr. Lucas?

Well, it was like this, you see, Mr. Peacock.

My customer's crutch was too tight and I was trying to stretch it. I was trying

to stretch them, sir.

You seem to have succeeded beyond your wildest dreams.

This is a very serious matter, Mr. Lucas.

Mr. Humphreys, are you free?

Yes, at the moment.

Ask Mr. Granger if he's free to step this way.

Excuse me.

Are you free, Mr. Granger?

Yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphreys. Captain Peacock would like a word with you. Yes,

be well.

Do you encourage your assistants?

to try to stretch trousers when they don't fit.

Most certainly not, do we, Mr Humphrey? Certainly not, Mr Granger. We give them

the same pair back and say we've found a larger size.

Certainly.

Well, I'm afraid I can't deal with this, Mr Lucas.

Mr Granger will carry on with your customer while I place these before Mr

Rumbold.

And, Mr Lucas, hold yourself in readiness.

What was your customer's waist measurement?

A tight 34.

An inside leg?

A ticklish 28.

You should have tried the reduced rail.

It's not your day, is it?

No, it's not going to be my night either unless I can get this note to Shirley.

If he coxies you over there, you might as well ask for your cards and leave

dignity. Well, how am I going to get this note to her? Well, try and attract

attention. Get her over here.

She's seen me. She's seen me. Back on her over.

That's done it.

Take over for me, will you, Miss Browns? Mr. Lucas wants to see me in the men's

department.

I think it's about that complaint.

Well, you've probably got him into trouble.

Talk your way out of it.

Are you free, Mr. Lucas?

Yes, I'm afraid I am, Mrs. Slocum.

I do hope that my complaint hasn't caused you any inconvenience.

Your what?

My complaint.

Blimey, you haven't got measles as well, have you?

I mean, I wouldn't want to get you into trouble.

And vice versa.

You were so marvellous to me in the lift yesterday.

I mean, it isn't that I mind seeing a man without his trousers on.

Do you require anything in my department, Mrs. Slocum?

Sounds as though she's already had it.

Lucas for being so good in the lift yesterday when we were stuck between

Yes, eh?

And I hope that I haven't got him into trouble over our little affair this

morning.

Correct me if I'm wrong, Mr. Lucas, but do I understand that you got Mrs. Slocum

into trouble in the lift yesterday?

You had an affair with her this morning in her department.

Sorry to disappoint you, but yes, you're wrong.

Oh, what a pity. I thought things were going to liven up a bit.

You mean to say that you yourself actually tore these trousers because we

got a larger size?

What was this, temper?

No, no, no, sir. You see, it was like this, you see, sir.

Mr Humphreys need the jacket.

You mean Mr Humphreys needed the jacket? Let's get our tenses right. No, no, you

don't understand, sir. You see, I need the jacket.

You need it now.

No, I need it then.

You mean you needed it then?

If I might clarify the situation... Thank you, Captain Peacock. It does seem

have got rather out of hand. Yes, it's a matter of spelling, sir.

Spelling? Yes, sir. You spelled need with an N.

Mr Humphreys was using a K.

Oh, you mean like kneading dough.

Is that it, Mr Lucas?

That's it, yes. I kneaded the dough, but he wouldn't want the jacket because it

was too tight.

So you kneaded it to make it more supple, which was why you kneaded the

You may recall, Captain Peacock, that is what I said in the first place.

Nearly right, sir, yes.

What they're trying to explain, sir, is that, and coming from hardware, you

would not be aware of this, but there is a method used, and I disapprove of it

myself, sir, there is a method used to enlarge the armholes of jackets, and the

method used is to knee the jacket with a K.

I am aware of how you spell jacket, Captain Peacock.

Perhaps if you were to slip off your jacket, sir, I could show you.

Perhaps, sir, at this juncture, I might say that I disapprove of this practice

most strongly.

Now, sir, the trick, as I understand it... Thank you, Mr. Lucas.

The trick, as I understand it, is to pull until some of the stitches go.

Until some of the stitches go?

No, it doesn't harm the jacket, sir. It just loosens it up.

Perhaps it would be better if you loosened up your own jacket, Captain

Now then, sir,

if you will listen carefully.

I take the jacket so, and I pull so.

I can't hear any stitches going. Perhaps it's already been done.

What makes you think that? Well, I sold it to you.

highly undesirable practice.

And I have to decide what the penalty shall be.

Is he going to put the black cap on?

Yes. Well, I think we'll deduct the cost of these trousers from this week's

commission, Mr. Lucas.

Judging by a sales record from next week's commission.

And the week after that, too.

That will be all.

Thank you, Mr. Rumble. Thank you, Mr. Rumble. Thank you, Mr. Rumble.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you again, Mr. Rumble.

I'm surprised you didn't discharge him, sir.

May I? Of course.

Thank you.

The thought of dismissing him did occur to me, Captain Peacock.

Thank you.

But with sales being down, I could hardly justify replacing him. Could you

And with fewer people in the department, your own position might be called into

question.

Yes,

you might find yourself back in toys and games with all those children.

I think there's a lot of good in the lad.

I hope for your sake that he justifies your faith.

And do bring it back if you're not entirely satisfied, madam. Thank you.

as I was saying, I don't get out much nowadays since Mr.

Slocum's no longer living at home. I mean, it's very difficult for a woman on

her own. I mean, you can't just go down to the pub for a quick drink with all

those men ogling at you, can you?

Well, not more than twice a week, anyway.

But what happened to that man you met on the bus? You know, the one that you

gave your phone number to? Didn't he ring you?

I think he did.

What do you mean?

I think he did.

Well, it sounded like his heavy breathing, but I couldn't be certain.

Oh, look, they're back.

I wonder what Mr Lucas has done now.

He put his knee in a customer's trousers.

Oh, was the customer still in them?

No.

No, he did it to stretch them. We used to do it with bras before we had so many

cup sizes.

What? Are they in there?

No.

As a matter of fact, we use the doorknob in the ladies.

Now what are you doing?

I'm sending this note to Miss Brown's airmail.

Missed by a mile.

I'd better go and get it before Peacock sees it.

Where are you going, Mr. Lucas?

I was just stretching my legs, Captain Peacock. Back to your own area?

Sir.

Blimey, it's like being in colds.

He's picked it up.

Are you free, Mrs. Slocum?

At the moment, Captain Peacock.

Mrs. Slocum, I mentioned your complaint to Mr.

Granger, and he, on his part, also made a complaint about the view of the

ladies' fitting room from his department.

What was he complaining about?

That he could see or he couldn't?

Mrs. Slocum, I don't think he's quite as broad -minded as we are.

We'll do something about that, will we?

What have you got there?

It was a bit of paper. Captain Peacock gave it to me.

Who was the note?

Possibly Glutton Brown.

Dear sexy knickers, I don't half fancy

you.

Meet me outside at 5 .30 and we'll get it together.

didn't think you had sexy knickers.

As a matter of fact, they're direct wall.

Some men get quite worked up about them.

What? Direct wall knickers?

Well, there is an air of mystery about them.

Well, there was during the war, eh?

I suppose with all those bombs falling down at the time, it made them a bit

exciting. You gonna go?

Well, from the tone of the note, my first instinct was to refuse, but, well,

yeah. He's the head of the department, and I'm at a loose end.

Well, not surprising, directoire knickers.

Well, of course, I shall have to give a reply.

I think I shall be discreet and use the telephone.

She's read your note, and she's picked up the phone.

She's not going to phone the head of department.

That's odd.

She probably wants to speak to you.

Tell her I've gone downstairs.

What stairs?

These.

Men's wear.

Will you connect me with Captain Peacock, please?

Hold on.

Captain Peacock? Are you free?

Yes, I'm free.

I should write out your resignation.

Captain Peacock here.

Hello, Captain Peacock.

This is sexy knickers.

Would you mind repeating that?

This is sexy knickers.

That's what I thought you said.

I beg your pardon, but am I speaking to a customer?

Naughty boy.

Customer indeed.

Now, I'm not promising anything, but I'll meet you outside at 5 .30.

How shall I know you?

What do you mean, out there?

You sent me the notes.

To whom am I speaking?

To me, you really don't know.

I've no idea.

Thank heaven for that.

Implied that he never sent the note.

To whom am I talking to, he says, in that royal signal's voice of his.

But you've got his note there in your hand.

Well, if he didn't intend it for me... It was for me.

Have you shown him any encouragement?

I've never shown him anything.

Well, it's given him a piece of my mind.

Quite right. Fancy asking a junior out.

Captain Peacock, please.

I'll soon trim his feathers for him.

Has he ever molested you, dear?

No, but he did have a funny look on his face that time he offered to help me

down with my corset.

Off the top shelf in the stockroom.

Another lady on the phone for Captain Peacock.

Captain

Peacock

speaking. Who is that?

to see knickers here.

Anything I can do, Captain.

Just a routine inquiry.

I just wanted to tell you that I couldn't fancy you if you were the last

left in gents ready made.

Just hold on to this for a moment, will you, Mr. Hubbard? Yes, Captain. Instead

of running around like some Peter Pan what's been knocking back the pet pills.

Is that complete, Mr.

Humphrey? Well, in a manner of speaking, yes, Mr. Granger.

I'd better take it.

Just because I let you take my corset down once doesn't mean...

If I have any more of your old guff, I'm going to have you on

the carpet.

Am I what you're saying, Miss Browns? I think Miss Browns has said enough.

I think some explanation is called for.

Is everything all right, Mr. Granger?

Some lady says she wants to have me on the car.

It must be meant for some furnishing.

Would you mind if I went home early today, Mr Granger?

Aren't you feeling well?

I think he's going to have a heart attack.

Yes, I shall find out who wrote this. And you know me, Mrs Slocum. I don't

until I get to the bottom of things.

Water. A glass of water for Mr. Granger. But he hasn't asked for a glass of

water. He will.

Are you free, Mr. Granger?

Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock. Mr. Humphreys?

Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Is Mr. Lucas free?

I think he's going to be free for a very long time.

Ah, Lucas.

Now, I have here a billhead from this department on which is written, Dear

Knickers, I don't half fancy you... Meet me outside at half past five and we'll

get it together.

It is my duty as head of this department to ask each one of you if you wrote

this note. Mr. Granger, did you write it?

I don't even understand it.

Mr. Granger wouldn't say, dear sexy knickers.

You'd say, dear sexy bloomers, wouldn't you?

Mr. Humphreys, did you write this note?

No, but thanks for the compliment.

Well, in view of those two denials, I can come to only one conclusion.

Shall I leave now or work till 5 .30?

Yes, we will leave the matter of your future in advance.

But what you will do is apologize to the ladies' department for the distress you

have caused.

Now? Yes, now. Yes, now.

You came out of that very well.

Well, at least it gives me a chance to get over there and chat Shirley up and

ask her out. If you fell in the dock, you'd come up with coal.

Are you free, Mrs. Slocum?

Just a moment, Mr. Lucas.

I'm afraid I've been a bit of a naughty boy, Mrs. Slocum.

Have you, Mr. Lucas? What have you been up to?

Well, you know that note that... You thought it came from Captain Peacock?

Yes.

Well, it was from me.

Well, I should have guessed all the time, shouldn't I?

What?

I've seen the way you've been looking at me.

What?

You're a very naughty boy sending notes.

You should have come across in the open and come out with it.

Practice and you'll sing.

Am I?

Oh, it's 5 .30. Well, I'll just put my hat on and meet you outside. Mind you,

I'm not promising anything.