Original subtitles

Downpour perfumery, stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food going on.

Oh, is that the best you can

do, Miss Brown?

It's not my job, is it? I'll try again.

Oh, never mind. Come along.

Oh, Miss Brown, pull your skirt down. That may be, but now that we're sharing

our department with gents' outfits, it might pay us to be a little more

circumspect.

Oh,

blimey, women drivers.

That'll do, Mr. Mash. Instead of standing there making your sarcastic

you could give us a hand.

Middle class cow.

Having trouble with Mrs. Slocum? Oh, that woman's lip's gone to her head,

Oh, I hope not. If she burns her bra, we'll have to call out the London Fire

Brigade.

Woman's department.

Whoever heard of a woman's department on this floor?

It's been men's ever since I was a boy. That Mrs Pankhurst really started

something. Well, what are you going to do about it, Mr Humphreys? Well, as a

matter of fact, I was thinking of chaining myself to the lift gates.

Kinky.

Here you are, then.

What's that?

Mr Knowles sent it up from display.

It's the new Beauty Bell point -of -sale model.

Here, what's this? Look.

It's a common thing in my department.

You're just jealous because you can't do it.

Oh, I don't know, though.

Hide it somewhere, Miss Brown.

I'm afraid you can't do that, Mrs. Slocum.

Why not, Captain Peacock?

Because we now have the sole concession for Beauty Bell. I'm not surprised.

And if you don't display it somewhere prominent, you'll have trouble with the

buying department.

I see.

Sign somewhere prominent for it, Miss Brown, and in the meantime, I'll just...

shove it under the counter.

Has anyone got a ladder?

Monty, is that the best you can do? It's the nearest I've been to it all

morning.

Here they are. Give me a hand with this.

Look up all the way down. Do you want heads or tails? Now, do be careful.

Careful, Mrs. Stoke might have to wait six weeks for it. Well, when you get to

her age, what can you expect?

Mr. Lucas, put something on it.

It is a house rule, you know.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, Mr. Granger. I thought it was all right if there was

inside. Yes, well, it's hardly sufficient, is it?

I see what you mean.

Anyway, the upper part should be obscured. I'm sorry, Mr. Granger.

How long have you been with Grace Brothers, Mr. Luton? One month, Mr.

I'm still sort of feeling my way around, as you might say.

Yes.

Cothold.

Oh, what about obscuring it? All right, then lend us your knickers.

No, don't do that.

In any way, they wouldn't obscure anything.

Oh, the lip dolls.

Hang on, back up.

Oh, it's a bug.

Oops.

Come on, dear, you're going on the podium.

That's it, on there, that's right.

Oh, really, don't be so clumsy.

Thank you, Miss Brahms.

Isn't there something missing?

Oh, no, I think it looks quite realistic, actually.

Oh, I see what you mean.

It must be in the lift.

Put the Shandor two -piece on it, Miss Brown. Yes, Mrs. Gluck. Oh, and hurry up

with that head, Mr. Lucas. It's nearly opening time. Call me a minute.

Mr. Lucas.

Oh, yes.

Oh, really?

That's better.

Oh, look what you've done to the nose.

Oh, you've ruined it.

No, I haven't. I haven't ruined it.

Well, I mean, they always look too perfect, these models, anyway, don't

I mean, people do have crooked noses, you know.

Somebody might come in one day with a crooked nose, look at that dress and

I'll have that dress, it'll go with my crooked nose.

think they would, Mr. Lucas.

I'm afraid I shall have to complain to your superiors about this.

And in the meantime, Miss Brahms, oh dear, take the head off that model over

there. Yeah, but it's not all his fault, Mrs. Slocum. I did ask him to help me.

There'll have to be an inquiry.

Somebody will have to pay.

Well, I was only trying to help. Oh, and look at the marks on the shoes. Oh,

well, I'll soon get that off. Oh, really?

Hand me some of the cufflinks, will you, Mr. Humphreys?

Plain gold or the glittery one?

No, no, gold is more dignified.

The glitter detracts from the shirt, and it's the shirt we're trying to sell.

You're quite right, Mr. Granger. I never thought of that. Don't rub too hard.

Gold isn't what it used to be. No, no, it isn't. Nothing's what it used to be,

is it, Mr. Granger? No, indeed.

How do you find young Mr.

Lucas? Oh, he's very obliging.

Is he?

Well, I mean, he helps out and that sort of thing.

Yes, but I think it's time that he stopped helping out with the ladies and

returned to his own department.

Shall I tell him?

Yes. Say that I would like to have a word with him.

Good morning, Mr. Lucas.

Oh, sir.

Am I to understand that you have deserted gentlemen's ready -made in

the ladies?

Well, I'm just giving a helping answer.

Oh, well, I'm glad to see that the arrival of the ladies in your territory

hasn't caused any bad blood.

Oh, no, not for me, Captain Peacock.

One wonders whether the arrival of gentlemen's shoes, for instance, would

been greeted with the same enthusiasm.

Mr. Lucas is doing his best to make us feel at home, Captain Peacock, which is

more than can be said for the rest of the department.

Well, just a passing phase, Mrs. Slocum.

With your personality, I'm sure you could charm the very birds off the

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Neither would I.

And, Lucas, while you're down there, straighten those seams.

I hate to see crooked scenes.

Yes, Mr. Peacock.

Captain Peacock.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Slocum.

Captain Peacock told me to do it. I mean, straighten them, I mean. Not

the dummies.

Creep in once, you'll... Yes, thank you.

I'm so...

Are you all right, Mrs. Slocum? Oh, that Mr. Lucas just put his hands all over

Miss Dockins. Oh, dear.

I hope he didn't lather them.

No, no.

He has quite smooth hands, actually.

You wanted to see me, Mr. Granger?

Mr. Lucas, it isn't that we want to be unfriendly to the ladies, but at the

time we don't want to be too outgoing in our welcome.

Well, I was only trying to be helpful. I mean, after all, they are human beings,

aren't they?

Yes, you may be right there, but see it from our point of view.

That section has been part of the gents ready -made for the last 25 years,

hasn't it, Mr. Humphreys? Yes, Mr. Granger. Now we have 30 % less space,

could mean 30 % less sales, and possibly 30 % less salesmen.

Am I right, Mr. Humphrey? Quite right, Mr. Granger. You have only been with us

very short time.

Am I right, Mr. Lucas? Quite right, Mr. Granger.

Just watch it, that's all.

Don't take any notice of him. He won't sack you. He's too soft -hearted.

He'll get Peacock to do it.

I mean, was that right, what he said, about, you know, 30 % less sales?

Well, not in your case. I mean, you couldn't have 30 % of nothing, could

It's not my fault, is it?

I mean, it's all this stupid seniority thing.

I mean, the only chance I get a look in to serve someone is when you're too busy

serving somebody else. Well, when you've been here as long as I have, you'll get

first back.

By that time, I shan't hear what the customer's asking for but the creaking

me joints.

Another remark like that and you could lose the only friend you have.

Opening time.

Stand by for the stampede.

Tie, Mr. Lucas?

Yes, of course, Captain Peacock. Anything in particular, sir?

Straighten your tie, Mr. Lucas.

Yes, sir.

One pencil is sufficient.

Yes,

Captain Peacock.

Shall I keep the HB all this special soft?

If you were troubled to read the memo from the accounts department, you would

know that they prefer ballpoints.

Correct, Mr. Humphrey?

Ballpoints, Captain Peacock.

Actually, I did have a ballpoint pen, but I was always getting ticked off

because I kept getting blue streaks on my white handkerchief, you see.

Possibly a retractable pen would solve your problem.

Oh, that's very nice, sir.

You can get them from the station.

You've got a staff discount.

Yes, sir.

And by the way, how about that handkerchief?

May I show you how we do it at Grace Brothers?

We don't just take it from the laundry, fold it and stuff it in.

Don't we?

No.

What do we do?

Oh, excuse me. Don't interrupt.

We place it so.

We then take it in the middle, like so.

We flute it so.

We bend over the bottom so.

And tuck it back so.

The effect is casual but smart.

Sets the pen off nicely, too.

Well, do it.

Ah, yes, yes.

Take it from the centre.

Or as near to the centre as you can get.

Flute it.

Flute it.

Bend over the bottom.

Bend over the bottom.

And tuck it.

Tuck it.

Good. That's much better.

Carry on.

What a bloody palaver.

You must admit, it does look rather smart.

I suppose it does. Especially if it's on cardboard.

How long did you say you've been with this firm?

Ten years, is it? I mean, how'd you manage to put up with it? You just have

smile and grit your teeth. This is the second set I've had this year.

It's much better than where I was before.

I was in tools, paint and hardware.

You meet a much nicer class of person at Grace Brothers.

Not many of them, though, do you? Well, he wants to buy a suit at nine o 'clock

in a Monday morning.

That's all it does.

Let me serve him. I didn't make any commission last Friday. You sold that 38

long. I know, but the man brought it back again. His wife didn't like it. It

didn't fit her. Go on, please, let me have him.

It's Granger's first.

Well, he hasn't seen him.

I'm going to serve him. Well, don't mess it up.

Good morning, sir. Are you being served?

No. Perhaps I could interest you, sir, in overcoat, sir. This type of overcoat

here is ideal for our present inclement weather that we're having, sir. Now, of

course, it looks like tweed, but in fact, it has been macatexed, which means

that it is almost entirely waterproof.

What size are you, sir?

Well, as a matter of fact, I was looking for the gents.

In that case, size doesn't really come into it, does it?

Mr. Lucas.

Yes. If you'd allowed Mr.

Humphreys or myself to deal with that customer, we might have made a sale.

did he want?

The gents. The gents what? The gents, gents.

It must be raining again.

They always come in when it's raining.

Well, now, get behind your counter.

Because young Mr. Grace will be coming in in a minute.

Who? Young Mr. Grace, the chairman.

Yes, he'll be coming in a minute. He always comes in on the first Monday of

month. Yes, sir. Right.

And clear up that litter.

Clear that litter.

Hello. What's that?

Blue Cinema Club.

I shouldn't have thought a young, virile gentleman like yourself needed that

sort of stimulation.

It's not mine. It fell out of Captain Peacock's pocket. It didn't. Let me have

look.

Oh, member's signature.

Captain John Smith.

Captain John Smith.

That's him, all right.

I wondered why he bought that brown raincoat in the sale.

I better give it to him.

That'll be the last thing you do.

What do you mean? Well, if he knows that you know that he goes sitting in that

little cinema where there's no room for your legs and they all have their macks

over their knees... How do you know what it looks like?

My doctor sent me there for therapy.

Did it work?

That's none of your business.

Well, what are we going to do? We're going to do nothing. You leave it there.

He'll see it. He's got eyes like a Scandinavian mountain hawk. We'll

haven't seen it.

Now then, I don't want anybody to go to coffee until young Mr. Grace, the

chairman, comes through on his way to the executive suite. Of course not,

Captain Peacock.

I understand that Mr. Grace comes in on every Monday morning of the first Monday

of the month, sir.

Quite right, Mr. Smith.

Lucas.

I am looking forward to seeing him, sir.

We're all looking forward to seeing him.

Do you remember how to flute yours?

Oh, yes, sir. Well, I'll just show you once more.

Is that clear?

Casual but smart.

Just like a conjuring trick.

So carry on.

Hello, here he is. Who? Young Mr. Grace.

Young Mr.

Grace. Old Mr. Grace doesn't get about very much these days. He runs in the

family, doesn't he?

Morning. Morning.

Morning. Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

He's worth two million.

Two million?

He can't take it with him. The way he's walking, he looks as though he's

carrying it on his back.

Good morning.

Your receipt is inside.

Thank you so much. Good morning.

Good morning.

Oh, Miss Brown. Yes.

I want you to pop over and ask Mr Humphreys if he'd mind removing his

from this centre stand.

I want to put our strapless bras up there. Yes, Mrs Slocum. And don't get

delayed by that, Mr Lucas.

No. Oh, and don't forget to mention all these trousers.

Right.

Are you free, Mr Humphreys?

At the moment, yes.

Good. Mrs. Slocum asked me to ask you if you wouldn't mind removing your shirts

from the centre display stand.

Remove my shirts? Whatever for? Well, she wants to put her strapless bras

Oh, yes, and the trousers as well.

I'm sorry, my dear. That's more than my job's worth. You'll have to take it up

with Mr. Granger.

They're his trousers anyway.

Thank you, Mr. Humphreys. You're so obliging.

She's got a nerve.

What's the matter now? She wants to remove my shirt and put a bra there

Yes, you all.

Don't worry about the sleeves, sir. They'll ride up with wear.

If they don't, do bring them back, and this is yours, sir.

Good day, sir.

Oh, are you being served, madam? No, I'm Mrs. Slocum's assistant, Miss Brahms.

Oh, indeed.

Yes, she asked me to ask you if you'd mind if Mr. Humphreys took the shirts

from the centre display.

Take the shirts down from the centre display.

Yes, she wants to put her bras there.

Her bras what?

No, her bras.

Oh, yes, and there's the trousers as well.

I beg your pardon?

Mr. Slocum didn't like to take down your trousers without asking you.

I think that if Mrs. Slocum wants to make any further inroads into my

department, she had better inform me personally.

Right, well, I'll tell you I'll come across then. On the contrary, she can

and see me.

Very well.

She did ask me first, Mr Granger, but of course I sent her straight over to you.

You're quite right indeed.

I hope I did the right thing, Mr Granger. You certainly did.

I hope I did the right thing, Mrs Slocum. You did, Miss Barnes.

I'll soon sort him out.

He'll feel the rough edge of my tongue.

Yes, well, do be careful, Mrs Slocum.

Round two, Mrs. Slocum comes out of her corner on her two flat feet.

Good morning, Mr. Granger.

Are you free?

Yes, I'm free. I understand there's been a little misunderstanding regarding the

centre stand.

Not at all. That stand has been the focal point of our sales display since

advent of Oxford bags, and it is going to stay that way.

Oh, that isn't what I understood when I agreed to share my department with you.

May I remind you?

I am not sharing with you. You are sharing with me.

Well, what's the difference?

The difference, Mrs. Slocum, is that you're not going to get that stand.

I see.

Well, I shall have to go over your head, which won't be all that difficult.

Can I get you a glass of water, Mr. Granger? A glass of water for Mr.

Let the cold tap run.

free, Captain Peacock?

At the moment, yes.

Well, it's like this, Captain Peacock.

When I agreed to move my department down here, I understood that I was to have

proper display facilities.

Well, I've just asked, very politely, asked Mr. Granger to accommodate me on

centre stand.

And he as good as told me to get stuffed.

That doesn't sound like our Mr. Granger. Oh, well, those weren't his exact

words, but that's what he implied.

Well, what do you expect me to do, Mrs. Slocum?

Well, I thought that as you were in command here, you'd tell him where he

off. Well, you must understand, Mrs.

Slocum... Oh, come now.

Betty.

Betty.

As I was saying, you must understand, Mrs. Slocum, that Mr.

Granger has been here a very, very long time.

Then it's time he went.

It's hardly your place to decide that.

Do you mean you're just going to stand there and let him walk all over me?

I don't think there's much danger of that.

What are you going to do?

I shall go and have a word with him and hear his side of it. But I told you his

side of it.

You must leave this to me, Mrs. Slocum.

Very well, Captain Peacock.

What did he say?

Oh, he's as weak as water. Weak as water he is.

Weak as water!

Anyway, he's taking it up. Oh, I bet you twist him round your little finger.

Well, after all, he's only a man.

There, there, Mr Granger. Now, you mustn't upset yourself.

We're right behind you, aren't we, Mr Lucas? Oh, right up to the hilt. Thank

you, Mr Humphreys. Thank you, Mr Lucas.

It's been a pleasure, Mr Granger.

Now, it's coming over.

Don't give in. Oh, I won't.

Oh, yes, hello.

Son,

very quiet this morning, Mr. Granger. Yes, very, very quiet. Very quiet

Mr. Lucas and I were just remarking how quiet it was, weren't we, Mr. Lucas? Oh,

yes, very quiet, very quiet, yes, very, very quiet, yes. I think things might

liven up in a minute or two, though.

If you're free, Mr. Granger, I'd like a word.

Oh, yes, I think I'm free, yes, yes.

Take over, will you, Mr Humphreys?

I'm going to have a word with Captain Peacock.

Would you like me to take over from you, Mr Humphreys? No, get over there and

see if you can hear what they're saying.

I have just been having a word with Mrs Slocum.

So have I.

A very difficult woman, Ernest. Yes, most of them are.

Yes, I'm in a very awkward position, you understand. I mean, I'm under fire from

both sides.

Well, look here, Stephen, you and I have known each other for many years.

You know that I would do anything in my power to smooth the way. Thank you,

Ernest. Short of giving her that stand.

You're not getting it.

We're not getting it.

I see.

Rumble's office.

Hello? Could I speak to Mr. Rumble's, please?

Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Loken, but I'm afraid Mr.

Rumble's still with young Mr. Grace at the moment.

Oh, hang on a second. I think he's just leaving.

Morning. Morning.

Morning.

Well,

that was a short day, wasn't it?

I don't know he's put in ten minutes.

I think it's a toss -up between the bank and the undertaker.

I'll build a stairway to Canada.

Come on, Sir Edmund. Come on, Sir Edmund.

You've all done very well.

Does that mean we can all go home?

Mrs. Slocum.

Oh, thank you.

Mr. Rumbled, I'm sorry to trouble you, but I have a rather serious complaint to

make. Ernie Rumbled, she's going over my head. She's already been over mine.

Well, I've heard both sides of the story and I appreciate your points about your

brasiers, Mrs. Slocum, but you must realise that that stand has been the

point of Mr. Granger's trousers for the last 25 years.

We must all pull together and make the machine run smoothly.

Here, here.

Here, here. Here, here, too, but what are we going to do about it?

Well, it's very difficult.

It's not at all easy for you, sir, being Solomon, is it? No, indeed it isn't,

Captain. Nobody's cutting a baby in half.

What baby?

That's what Solomon did, Mr. Rumbold.

Did he?

Whatever for?

No, no, no. As a matter of fact, he didn't. Two women came unto Solomon with

same baby.

Both claiming it was theirs.

I don't think that's apropos, Captain Peacock.

We are here to discuss Mrs.

Slocum displaying her underwear.

Furthermore, I don't happen to have a baby. And if I did have a baby, it would

be nothing to do with whether I had my underwear up or not.

No, Mr. Justice, you did have a baby.

I don't happen to be married at the moment.

Well, it's not unheard of these days, you know.

What's not unheard of?

Having a baby out of wedlock.

Look, what's me not having a baby got to do with him not taking his trousers

down?

They've been at it for two hours in there. I know. I wonder what's going to

happen. They're probably going to take it to Vic Feather.

Here they come.

Mr Humphreys, if you're free.

Miss Bronze, gather round.

Mr. Lucas, are you free?

I'm free.

Come a little closer. We don't want the customers to hear us. You'd have to

shout.

Ladies and gentlemen, and ladies, Mrs. Slocum has referred the matter of the

centre display to Mr. Rumbold, who took the view, I think quite rightly, that it

should continue under Mr. Granger's command...

where he can continue to deploy his shirts and trousers as he thinks fit.

Oh, well done, Mr. Granger. Thank you, Mr. Humphreys. Well done, Mr. Humphreys.

Does that mean we can't have even one bra up there? What do you think? It's a

man's world, isn't it?

Captain Peacock, now that I have, as it were, won the day, I feel that in the

interests of interdepartmental relations, I might see my way, perhaps,

him this slocum.

A small foot in my stand.

Shall we say one bra?

Why not? I mean, half a bra would be better than no bra at all, wouldn't it?

Oh, that's too generous of you, Mr. Granger.

Do you accept, Mrs. Lotham? Of course I do, Captain Peacock. Well, then

everything's settled amicably.

Go for that.

I know the very thing.

Granger here.

Give me Mr.

Rumbled.