Original subtitles

[applause]

ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen, please

ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen, please

welcome The Amazing Johnathon.

[applause]

[applause]

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Please, sit down, everyone.

Please, sit down, everyone.

Welcome to the Hudson Theater and our Comedy Central special.

Welcome to the Hudson Theater and our Comedy Central special.

That's TJ.

He's an asshole.

He's an asshole.

I got tell you what he just did to me,

you're going to like this.

So we like practical jokes backstage.

We've been doing them all day long with the crew

because they're cool.

He just burned me so good on a practical joke.

He just burned me so good on a practical joke.

He's back there freaking out a second ago about something.

I'm like, TJ, what is your problem?

So he spins around to face me and he's got his dick

So he spins around to face me and he's got his dick

caught in the cap of a BIC pen.

caught in the cap of a BIC pen.

I know, but wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

The joke's on me here because it wasn't caught.

There was plenty of room, and I'm like, aw!

There was plenty of room, and I'm like, aw!

I can't believe I fell for that.

Well, if you guys have seen any of the other Comedy Central

specials, then you know my assistant psychic,

Tanya, who on the way to the theater

Tanya, who on the way to the theater

just now was in a car accident.

Nothing serious, unfortunately.

Nothing serious, unfortunately.

She swerved to avoid a pine tree is her story,

She swerved to avoid a pine tree is her story,

and then saw another pine tree and swerved.

And then another one, then another one, and then the car

rolled into a ditch.

rolled into a ditch.

As it turns out, it was the air freshener hanging

from her rear view mirror.

Let's give her a round of applause.

Ladies and gentlemen, Psychic Tanya!

[applause, music playing]

Yeah.

All right.

Look who's in her own little world.

Look who's in her own little world.

Land the spacecraft.

All right, welcome the Earth.

You all right?

No.

I heard about your accident.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got hurt.

I know, I know all about it.

I heard. -Yeah.

Where did you get hurt?

I got hurt there-- ow!

I got hurt there-- ow!

And there-- ow!

And there-- ow!

Yeah.

You want to try my shoulder just for the hell of it, please.

Yeah. -Ow!

Yeah. -Ow!

Yeah.

You got a broken finger, you idiot.

All right.

Are you a doctor?

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

I'm just not an idiot.

[laughing]

So, Tan-- eh.

Tanya is going to pick our volunteer from the audience,

Tanya is going to pick our volunteer from the audience,

ladies and gentlemen. -Gonna make it random.

Yeah, randomly. She does it every night.

She does a great job.

Whatever, however you want to pick them.

Whatever, however you want to pick them.

So if she picks you, just come up.

Don't give her any grief or anything.

She knows how to do it.

All right?

All right?

I'm going to throw this out--

No, you're not going to throw a brick.

No.

Just go down there and pick somebody, all right?

Just go down there and pick somebody, all right?

-It's not even real. -It doesn't--

[loud bang]

[imitating flying noise]

[imitating flying noise]

OK, half the battle is over.

She didn't fall down the stairs.

[laughing]

There he is!

There he is!

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up!

[applause]

[music playing]

[music playing]

Come on, it could be you!

All right.

Cool.

Sexy!

Yo, nutmeg.

Take a hike.

I love you.

I love you.

The wheel turns, but the hamster's dead.

Come on over here.

How you doing? -Fine.

Johnathan.

Johnathan.

John.

No, Johnathan.

Got it.

And you are ?

John, OK.

John, OK.

I thought you were, like, abbreviating my name.

I hate that.

It's like, all right, that's two Johns.

This'll be Mike so there's no more confusion.

This'll be Mike so there's no more confusion.

Mike, John.

John, Mike.

Got it.

Say, hi, Mike.

Hey, Mike.

(LIGHTER VOICE) How you doing, Tony?

(NORMAL VOICE) That was me.

That's me.

Yeah, I'm screwing around.

That's ventriloquism.

Yeah.

I'm studying it.

It's ventriloquism. Watch.

Look that way.

Move your mouth but don't say any words.

Watch.

(LIGHTER VOICE) I'm gay.

(LIGHTER VOICE) I'm gay.

[laughing]

I'm having a blast with this stuff.

I'm having a blast with this stuff.

It's really fun.

I'm not gay.

I'm not saying I'm gay, I'm just-- I threw it over to him.

All right.

All right.

And he might not be gay, and even if he was, so what?

All right.

You're not, right? -No.

OK, because that would be creepy.

All right, now, you're drinking a little red wine

All right, now, you're drinking a little red wine

tonight, though, huh?

What happened to your shirt, man?

What happened to your shirt, man?

Is that blood or is that red wine?

I'm not going to do this to you.

You got red on your shirt.

Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Oh!

Ah, I wasn't going to do that to you, man.

It's like heroin to a comedian to get somebody on that.

It's like heroin to a comedian to get somebody on that.

Not that I've ever done heroin.

Now, uh, John and I--

Now, uh, John and I--

[applause]

We've never met before, right?

No.

No.

So then you don't actually know it's me,

and I'm assuming it's you.

Right.

Right.

We'll trust each other.

So I need to borrow from you a $20 bill.

If you have $100, it's funnier, but a $20 will work.

If you have $100, it's funnier, but a $20 will work.

So see if you have one.

Check your wallet.

Yeah, maybe you have one in your wallet.

Look.

Look.

Cool.

All right.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

All right, cha-ching.

Look at that, you little bastard.

You got all kinds of money in there.

I'll take the $20.

I'll take the $20.

Look at the $100s-- you've got a stack in there.

All right, I'll take the $20.

I didn't mean to point that out.

He has a stack of $100s.

He has a stack of $100s.

All right.

No, because what if he's walking outside after the show tonight.

Oh, there's John with $1,000 in his wallet, you know.

Oh, there's John with $1,000 in his wallet, you know.

That's just what I saw.

There could be more.

And then it's like, bam, you're dead and they're rich.

And then it's like, bam, you're dead and they're rich.

How easy could that be?

How easy could that be?

Fat pocket on the right.

Good luck.

Now, you need to stay on the trap door.

Now, you need to stay on the trap door.

You're going to hit your chin on the way down.

Now, look.

If this is going to make you nervous

that we're using your $20 and I sense

that it is, let's skip it.

that it is, let's skip it.

We have a lot of other stuff to get to.

Let's look at some of the stuff you just bought for $20.

Let's look at some of the stuff you just bought for $20.

First trick-- whoops.

First trick-- whoops.

The linking ring.

I can link them together.

It's easy for a magician, and I can also take them apart.

But watch what happens when someone from the audience

But watch what happens when someone from the audience

tries.

I need someone big and strong.

Who wants to try it?

You, you-- yes. Anyone.

I don't care who it is.

I don't care who it is.

Come up and try to pull the bottom ring off.

Big and strong.

I'm kidding. I'm just kidding.

I'm kidding. I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.

Come on.

Yeah, I'm kidding around.

Just try it.

Make sure that you try to pull-- why, you bastard.

Make sure that you try to pull-- why, you bastard.

Give me that.

You little dickhead.

Come here, come here.

Is your tongue pierced, you little asshole?

Is your tongue pierced, you little asshole?

Come here, come here.

Gah!

[groaning]

I hate guys like that.

I hate guys like that.

Always trying to screw up your show.

Here's what we'll do-- card tricks.

Here's what we'll do-- card tricks.

Here's what we'll do-- card tricks.

It's my specialty.

Examine that deck make sure it's an ordinary deck.

Yes or no.

Look through it.

Look through it.

Is it?

Yeah, it's ordinary.

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Shit, we can't use that.

I don't know how that got up there.

We'll use this.

We'll use this.

Now, hold that.

When I ask for it back, make it snappy.

[laughing]

[laughing]

OK, now.

Ordinary deck-- this really-- yeah?

Ordinary deck-- this really-- yeah?

Then explain this.

Yeah, ordinary, huh?

You can't do that with an ordinary deck.

You can't do that with an ordinary deck.

You've got to put a string through every single card

to do that.

It's a pain in the ass.

It takes all night.

It takes all night.

Luckily, I don't sleep much.

This was the ordinary deck.

Pick one and I'll tell you what it is.

Oh, I'm looking at them.

Yeah, I'm looking right at them.

It's all right.

It's all right.

We'll try it this way, but it doesn't always work.

See?

Go ahead and put it back in there-- anywhere you want.

Somewhere in the middle, though-- apparently.

In the middle.

In the middle.

Put it back in the middle of the deck.

Put it-- put it in the middle of the deck.

Good.

Good.

Oh, gee, it'll be hard to find the U-shaped card.

Good.

Good.

Not only will I cause your card to rise

back to the top of the deck, I changed it

back to the top of the deck, I changed it

to the two of hearts.

You ever blow bubbles when you were a little kid?

Sure.

Sure.

He's back in town.

Hey, Bubbles!

You remember this guy?

You remember this guy?

These reunions make me teary.

$50 I pay that guy every night.

Ehh!

Ehh!

It's worth every penny.

Now, go ahead and pick one.

Now, go ahead and pick one.

It doesn't matter which card you choose.

All right.

Ah, damn. Give me it.

You were close.

You were close.

Give me the card, give me the card.

Ah, shit, you were so close.

All right, now-- what, are you ticklish or something?

All right, now-- what, are you ticklish or something?

Memorize that card and don't forget it.

Ever, ever!

Ever, ever!

Now, place it back in the deck.

Look, look at my hair.

Wait.

(HIGHER VOICE) I'm Duckman!

I'm Duckman!

I'm Duckman!

Hello, haven't seen you in the pond.

I'm Parakeet Man!

I'm Parakeet Man!

Parakeet Man.

Parakeet Man.

(NORMAL VOICE) OK, all right.

What were we doing?

I digress.

Put the card back in anywhere.

Put the card back in anywhere.

I will find your card.

Jack of diamonds?

-No. -No?

That's not the jack of diamonds?

That's not the jack of diamonds?

Well, yes.

It is the jack of diamonds.

Well, that's what I said it was.

I didn't say it was your card.

I'll find your card.

I'm not a baboon.

I can probably do one though.

I can probably do one though.

(LOWER VOICE) Yes, yes, yes, yes yes.

(LOWER VOICE) Yes, yes, yes, yes yes.

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius, they've gone to the forbidden zone.

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius, they've gone to the forbidden zone.

(NORMAL VOICE) That's good.

All right.

Now--

[applause]

[applause]

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

You didn't put it in here, did you?

You didn't put it in here, did you?

You're trying to fuck with me, aren't you?

Agh!

Agh!

I lost it.

Was it the little one?

That's it.

That's it.

Ah, I should have went with my instincts on that!

What was the little one?

You tell me.

No, you tell me.

No, you tell me.

What was the little one?

Eight of spades.

What a bizarre coincidence.

When I threw all the cards down just now, some of them

When I threw all the cards down just now, some of them

landed face down.

Turn over any one of the thousand of face down cards

Turn over any one of the thousand of face down cards

and watch what it is.

You choose.

Check this out.

What was your card?

What was your card?

Eight of spades.

You would have freaked out if that was the eight of spades!

You would have freaked out if that was the eight of spades!

Oh, that would have been so cool!

You would have freaked out, man.

And so would have you freaked out.

And so would have you freaked out.

Shit, I would've freaked out.

That would be awesome.

There's got to be a way to do that.

Ah, little yellow hanky.

Ah, little yellow hanky.

Watch.

Examine it.

Ordinary? -Yeah.

Good.

Make a fist.

OK, put your feet closer to the ground.

Two fists, and raise that one up a little lower.

Good.

Good.

Now, don't worry.

Open up one of your fists a little-- yeah,

Open up one of your fists a little-- yeah,

just a little wider than you're used to.

Good, good.

Now, a little more.

Now, a little more.

I didn't know, I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

Hm-hmm!

I'm pushing the silk into one of your fists.

I'm pushing the silk into one of your fists.

Random choice.

I could have put it over there, but I didn't.

I put it here to prove to you it was random.

I put it here to prove to you it was random.

OK.

Most magician's won't do that.

Most magician's won't do that.

Your fists are identical, especially this one.

Your fists are identical, especially this one.

All right, now, I push this down.

Close around it so I can't get at it.

Good, tight.

Good, tight.

There it is.

You saw it go in there-- no tricks.

Now, would it be impressive if I could

cause that to vanish from his hand and reappears-- what?

cause that to vanish from his hand and reappears-- what?

And reappears somewhere else?

And reappears somewhere else?

Where?

The silver chalice on my table.

The silver chalice on my table.

Oh, that's funny?

OK, you know what?

Blow me.

I'm not doing it.

You done laughing?

You done laughing?

Want to open that hand and show them, please?

Open and show them.

Oh, it's still there.

Well, then that means it didn't happen the way

you just thought it did.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh!

Oh!

Wait a minute-- oh, ha, ha, ha!

Music please.

Here, remote control.

Here, remote control.

Take it.

Watch.

You take that half. I take this half.

Press the button.

There.

Now-- that's our budget.

Now-- that's our budget.

Hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

Uh-oh!

It's the end of that one.

It's the end of that one.

What do you want to do?

Come here.

We're going to do a cool little trick.

You're probably hungry.

You're probably hungry.

Have some peanuts.

Take it.

Open it.

Open it.

Quickly.

You'll like these.

What the-- what are you doing?

What the-- what are you doing?

They're peanuts.

Look at the mess you're making!

Look at the mess you're making!

Nobody's up here to get you. Come here.

Relax.

Now, look.

You didn't even try these.

They're really good.

Have some.

They're just peanuts.

What are you doing?

[inaudible], the peanut monster going to get you?

Hey, give me a $20.

All right, we'll use one of my own.

Now, come over here.

On the back of the $20 do you see the building?

Do you know what that building is?

-Yeah. -What is it?

-Yeah. -What is it?

-The White House. -The White House.

Thank God you knew that.

I've just been in Vegas during NASCAR.

Every night I asked, I got Graceland for the answer.

Every night I asked, I got Graceland for the answer.

All right, now, ripping the corner from your $20.

All right, now, ripping the corner from your $20.

It's an illusion.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's why I get the big bucks.

It looks real, doesn't it?

It looks real, doesn't it?

Well, it's more or less a receipt for you

in case you lose this.

You can take the corner to a bank.

You can take the corner to a bank.

You explain what happened, they'll tell

you what you can do with this.

But I need you to be the safeguard of this.

You are the one-- the only one that is allowed

You are the one-- the only one that is allowed

to touch that and keep it.

In your top pocket, if you would, please.

All right.

All right.

Put it in your shirt pocket.

Oh, man.

You're good.

You are good.

You are good.

I'm gonna get your ass.

You know I'm going to get your ass.

No, no, no.

It's a mission.

It's a mission.

[singing can-can dance]

OK, now we roll this up and do a little tiny $20 bill ball.

OK, now we roll this up and do a little tiny $20 bill ball.

Hold that.

Right, like that.

This is a chick pan.

This is a chick pan.

We use this on the farm to burn sick baby chicks in.

When they're sick.

When they're sick.

It's humane.

You can tell when they're sick, too.

You can tell when they're sick, too.

They get yellow and fuzzy.

And they make that peep, peep, peep, peep sound.

Especially when they're in there burning, they make that sound.

Especially when they're in there burning, they make that sound.

Hold that.

Hold it.

I want you to put your $20 in there, please.

Just drop it in there.

And this is lighter fluid.

OK, now, don't move.

OK, now, don't move.

We don't want to take chances.

Don't worry about it, OK.

Don't worry about it, OK.

I know you're covered in this stuff,

but it's not even lighter fluid or I wouldn't be squirting

you like that if it was.

All right, now-- oh, shit.

All right, now-- oh, shit.

Ah!

My thumb was on fire.

Did you see that?

That was awesome.

That was awesome.

Now comes the pain part.

[groaning]

[groaning]

OK, now, look at your $20.

Is it burning?

Yes.

Yes.

It looks like it's burning because there's

a fire in the pan.

But look at the 20 itself.

Is it turning black?

Yeah, it's burning.

Uh, ah, shit.

OK, well, that goes on the list of [bleep] I can't do.

OK, well, that goes on the list of [bleep] I can't do.

No, you should see the list.

It's getting huge.

It's getting huge.

It's going right there.

It's pretty impressive.

It's pretty impressive.

I'm a magician.

I'm a magician.

What do you do?

I'm a doctor.

You're a doctor?

Really?

You look so young to be a doctor.

You look so young to be a doctor.

Like Doogie Howser with grey hair.

Really, what kind of doctor are you?

I'm a surgeon.

Really?

Can you write prescriptions?

Not for you.

Not for you.

Because I can order them if you can write them.

Because I can order them if you can write them.

And now, when I open-- ah, son of a bitch.

Open that.

Open that.

Wait, what is that in there now?

An orange?

An orange?

Hold that.

Hold it in the air like some asshole's

going to throw a knife at it and you

going to throw a knife at it and you

didn't want to be in the way.

Hold it.

Hold it.

As a doctor-- come here!

As a doctor-- come here!

You probably are very aware of your hands and your need

for them.

for them.

Now, does it matter to me that you look like the motherfucker

that killed my mom and dad.

Relax, I killed my mom and dad.

I'm kidding around.

(LIGHTER VOICE) Pick up your clothes!

(NORMAL VOICE) No!

(NORMAL VOICE) No!

How much of that can you take?

How much of that can you take?

Nine long years of that crap.

Now-- God!

Where's the thing that makes this a trick?

Where's the thing that makes this a trick?

OK, now, remember what we did.

OK, now, remember what we did.

We burned your $20 in the pan.

I opened the pan, I pulled the orange out.

I handed it to you.

I handed it to you.

Now, do not move or you will lose a finger.

OK?

Oh, shit, sorry about those.

Oh, shit, sorry about those.

Now, watch your feet.

OK, now, pull on the top half.

OK, now, pull on the top half.

Inside of the orange lodged in the center, there's a $20 bill.

Inside of the orange lodged in the center, there's a $20 bill.

I can't get that out.

Pull.

Pull it. You're the king.

Pull it. You're the king.

Look, it's like it's drooling Pac-Man.

Mm, mm, mm!

Mm, mm, mm!

OK, the $20's missing a corner.

If it matches this one, that would be spooky.

If it matches this one, that would be spooky.

Now, you're the judge here.

Now, you're the judge here.

On the other side, the serial numbers have been ripped off.

Compare them to the other side.

Compare the words, the lines.

Compare the words, the lines.

Are they perfect?

They're perfect.

I didn't hear that.

They're perfect.

[applause]

[applause]

Thank you!

Yeah, I know.

I know.

But, it's not perfect.

But, it's not perfect.

It's still ripped and its orangey.

It's still ripped and its orangey.

And this show's all about perfection.

There's no laugh there.

So we use, to fix that, the magic silk of India.

Don't patronize me.

You don't know what the hell this can do.

You don't know what the hell this can do.

What if it can kill a large group of assholes?

You, ma'am.

Do you like birds?

[laughing]

[laughing]

Keeper!

Hi-ya!

Hi-ya!

Yeah, you little motherfucker-- motherfuck!

We can make it alive again.

We can make it alive again.

Fix that.

It was sick.

That's why I did it.

It was.

It was.

You see how pale that thing was.

What were we doing?

Oh, your ripped $10.

Oh, your ripped $10.

Bring it over.

$20-- whatever.

Come over here-- next to me where it's safe and warm.

Come over here-- next to me where it's safe and warm.

Come over here-- next to me where it's safe and warm.

Watch-- we place this underneath the magic silk

of Switzerland-- India.

of Switzerland-- India.

India?

India.

India.

Ever been there?

The magical city of India.

I've been there many times.

They call it the land of the lakes.

They call it the land of the lakes.

The Windy City of India.

Where the magic is so powerful, it can fix your ripped $5.

Where the magic is so powerful, it can fix your ripped $5.

[tape pulling]

Sometimes magic sounds like tape.

It isn't.

It's the power-- the power of India!

It's the power-- the power of India!

[coughing]

[coughing]

Son of a-- God damn, [inaudible].

Somebody could be helping me.

I wonder who that is.

Hold that up so I can-- both sides, Captain Obvious.

Hold that up so I can-- both sides, Captain Obvious.

Yeah, over here, Doogie.

Now-- you ever help a magician before?

Now-- you ever help a magician before?

No.

That's funny because you're not helping one now, either.

That's funny because you're not helping one now, either.

Hello, everybody over there in "I

Can See How You Did That Land."

Can See How You Did That Land."

India!

India!

India!

India!

Land of the buck tooth snake.

[hissing]

[hissing]

See, you wouldn't be laughing if that were real.

See, you wouldn't be laughing if that were real.

No doubt.

Buck tooth snake bite on your hand?

Bye.

[biting sound]

(WEAK VOICE) I can't breathe!

I got bit by the buck tooth snake!

I got bit by the buck tooth snake!

[biting sound]

He bit me again.

He bit me again.

Is that-- is that you?

[biting sound]

[biting sound]

He's relentless.

(NORMAL VOICE) Not only is your single fixed,

but now it's in this neat little carrying case.

but now it's in this neat little carrying case.

It's you on your way to India.

It's you on your way to India.

It's origami, it's called.

It's origami, it's called.

That's yours.

Now if you were to take the tape off of this when you

got home tonight, you'd be surprised to find

got home tonight, you'd be surprised to find

it's no longer ripped.

You would be.

You'd be surprised, wouldn't you?

You'd be surprised, wouldn't you?

I'd be shocked as hell.

Yeah, me too.

I'll tell you what.

We got a gift for you for that-- to make up for that.

We got a gift for you for that-- to make up for that.

Tanya!

TANYA: Oh, yeah?

Don't worry, it isn't Tanya.

Don't worry, it isn't Tanya.

You'd get change back from that.

Come out and bring out his gift, please.

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

I got show tickets!

Oh, boy. Show tickets.

Yeah!

All right.

All right.

Blue Man Group-- you spent more than $100 on four tickets.

Oh, no.

These were free, free, free.

Bullshit.

They don't give out free tickets.

-I get them-- -To anyone.

-I get them-- -To anyone.

I'm a winner winner, chicken dinner.

[imitates rooster crowing]

No.

You're a lunatic and any cock'll do.

You're a lunatic and any cock'll do.

Give me these.

Let me see what they are.

OK, how the hell did you manage to get

front row seats-- oh, God.

front row seats-- oh, God.

[chuckles]

Complimentary!

Complimentary!

Ha, ha!

Complimentary!

Complimentary!

Complimentary!

(SQUEAKY VOICE) Complimentary!

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

-Are you done? -Yeah.

All right.

First of all, you got stuff all over your face.

OK, you got it.

Now, I want you to go get his present for real.

I already brought out-- The one I put back there in case

I already brought out-- The one I put back there in case

you pulled this stuff again.

No, that way.

Over in the back of the chair there, Euphoria.

Over in the back of the chair there, Euphoria.

You want the back of the chair?

No, I don't want the chair.

Come here.

Just stand here and I'll get it.

Don't touch him or my props.

Listen to this tape while I'm gone.

Listen to me.

Listen to me.

If she touches you or any of my stuff,

sweep kick her legs from underneath her.

She won't fall.

She won't fall.

She'll hang there in the air like a demon.

Just do it.

I'll be right back.

I'll be right back.

I don't-- I don't hear anything.

Oh, hey.

You just ripped your pants.

You just ripped your pants.

Ha, ha!

Hey, sexy, sexy!

Do you like to dancey, dancey?

Do you like to dancey, dancey?

Huh?

[music playing]

Come on, doll.

Come on, doll.

Come on.

Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo!

[applause]

[applause]

Come on, doll!

Come on!

You just gotta sit down.

You just gotta sit down.

Kick it up!

Uh-oh.

You're in big trouble!

You're in big trouble!

Oh, oh!

Oh, oh!

Oh, oh!

Uh-- uh-oh.

Look it, I'm so scared, I'm shaking.

Look it, I'm so scared, I'm shaking.

Look, I'm so scared even my hair is shaking.

Look, I'm so scared even my hair is shaking.

[growling]

[growling]

Ow!

Oh, oh!

JOHNATHAN: Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a round

JOHNATHAN: Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a round

of applause for my volunteer!

Great job, man.

And now, a classic of magic-- pulling a rabbit from the hat.

And now, a classic of magic-- pulling a rabbit from the hat.

And now, a classic of magic-- pulling a rabbit from the hat.

Come on.

Come on.

He's much better off now than when he was dead.

He didn't have the dance moves he has now.

He didn't have the dance moves he has now.

Watch.

[music playing]

[music playing]

Yeah.

Ever try to eat popcorn at the beach?

Ever try to eat popcorn at the beach?

It's like, ah!

Gah!

All right, who's the dick with the phone on?

OK, you're at a show and your phone is on.

Cool.

Hello, it's me.

I'm a dick.

I'm a dick.

Who is it?

You'll get it back afterwards.

Look, I made that last night.

I'm Carrot Top.

What the hell am I thinking?

What the hell am I thinking?

All right, yeah.

This next trick is called the vanishing scissors.

This next trick is called the vanishing scissors.

It's a classic trick.

I think you're going to enjoy this.

[mutters]

Thank you.

Oh, wait!

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

I got them.

I found them.

Now, watch three seconds, they're gone

Now, watch three seconds, they're gone

and you don't know where they went.

Not up my sleeves-- they're up.

One, two, and--

One, two, and--

[loud bang]

Uh-oh!

Three.

Thank you.

The vanishing scissors.

Look it, the guys are all amazed,

and the girls know right where the scissors are.

Everyone one of you.

And maybe a few gay guys, too.

And maybe a few gay guys, too.

We have a very special guest in our audience tonight.

This is very cool.

Playing in Las Vegas like I do on full time basis

at the Sahara, I get to see a lot of celebrities

at the Sahara, I get to see a lot of celebrities

coming through Vegas.

I didn't know if anybody would be here tonight,

but in Vegas last Sunday we had Robin Williams,

but in Vegas last Sunday we had Robin Williams,

we had Snoop Dogg Sunday night.

It's just like every single night.

But this is cool because I just found out who's

But this is cool because I just found out who's

here in the audience tonight.

First of all, from Pantera, ladies and gentlemen, the band,

we have Vinny.

we have Vinny.

Vinny, stand up. Take a bow.

Yes.

[applause]

This is going to blow you away.

As cool as Pantera being here is, this is,

As cool as Pantera being here is, this is,

to me, is an honor because he is without a doubt

the best magician in the world.

Now he's been doing this for 20 years.

Now he's been doing this for 20 years.

He's been the best.

That's not easy to do.

You've seen the specials on ABC every single year.

You've seen the specials on ABC every single year.

Go see him live if you ever get the chance.

As good as the specials are, the live show rocks.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Mr. David Copperfield.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Mr. David Copperfield.

[applause]

Look at you assholes!

Yeah, look at you all look.

Oh, David Copperfield!

Oh, David Copperfield!

Fuck you.

You're here to see me.

You're here to see me.

David Copperfield, please.

Oh!

Oh!

Don't break your necks.

Now, I'm going to put him to shame right now with a trick.

Now, I'm going to put him to shame right now with a trick.

He's an illusionist.

I do stupid little shit as you know.

I do stupid little shit as you know.

You've seen it.

Now, that's not to say I can't do what he does.

I don't choose to carry that much stuff around, that's all.

I don't choose to carry that much stuff around, that's all.

So, but tonight, in honor of this one

hour Comedy Central special, I am carrying that stuff around.

hour Comedy Central special, I am carrying that stuff around.

Something big, real big, and you're going

to see it for the first time.

to see it for the first time.

So, turn the spotlight off and give me some music, please.

[music playing]

Yeah.

Yeah.

Halloween, my favorite time of year.

Tanya is going to help me with this one,

but she doesn't know it.

but she doesn't know it.

Tanya!

TANYA: Oh, yeah?

Come here, please.

Come here. TANYA: Yeah?

JOHNATHAN: I want to show you something.

I want to show you this.

There's blood all over the sheet.

Doesn't that scare you?

Doesn't that scare you?

TANYA: I'm not scared.

But, look, it's blood.

[fake queasy sound]

How about this?

How about this?

-Oh. -Yeah.

I-- I'm not scared.

Why'd you step backwards then?

I'm just stepping--

JOHNATHAN: Watch this, Tanya.

JOHNATHAN: Watch this, Tanya.

Come here, I want to show you something really scary.

Come here.

TANYA: No.

Yes.

Yes.

I'm not scared.

JOHNATHAN: Hey, Tanya, and I'm over here.

Over here!

Over here!

Yeah.

Who are you talking to?

Who are you talking to?

Well, I thought-- wait a minute.

If you're them, and they're you, then who am I?

If you're them, and they're you, then who am I?

Nobody really knows for sure.

Nobody really knows for sure.

Figure that out.

[music playing]

Get out!

[shrieking]

[shrieking]

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Let's play the fun glass game.

I told you I don't want to play your stupid games.

You just made that up, the fun glass game.

Come on, you just have to guess which hand the glass is in?

Gee, OK, is it that one?

Gee, OK, is it that one?

[screaming]

Was I right?

You've got blood on me, thank you.

You've got blood on me, thank you.

Well, you guys have been a lot of fun.

I've got one more trick for you, then

I got to get out of here because I got a piece of crap

I got to get out of here because I got a piece of crap

the size of a small dog's head.

This final trick is called the razor blades.

This final trick is called the razor blades.

I haven't done this in 10 years, but it's a great trick.

And I figure I would bring it back for something

as special as a special.

as special as a special.

Double-edged razors-- not fake.

Extremely sharp.

Extremely sharp.

Watch as I put this in my mouth.

I'm eating a razor blade for your entertainment pleasure.

I'm eating a razor blade for your entertainment pleasure.

Not just one-- six.

No, five.

No, five.

Yeah, five.

Six would be stupid.

Number two-- watch.

Just as sharp.

Tastes like Schick.

The third blade-- a little bit different.

I want you, ma'am, to come and take

I want you, ma'am, to come and take

this razor blade from my hand.

Not touching the edge, of course.

Not touching the edge, of course.

Flat like that.

Take it and place it on my tongue-- right there.

Take it and place it on my tongue-- right there.

Flat.

No.

Yes.

No.

No.

Yes.

Yes.

OK, don't slide it.

Just put it flat down.

Just put it flat down.

You nicked me a little, didn't you?

It's OK, it's just a small nick.

It doesn't hurt.

[groaning]

[groaning]

OK, wait.

OK, wait.

It doesn't matter how you do it now.

It doesn't matter how you do it now.

You can shoot it in there with a goddamn slingshot now.

OK, good.

Thank you very much.

Now, when I'm doing this at kid's birthday parties,

Now, when I'm doing this at kid's birthday parties,

I always tell the little bastards don't do this at home.

I always tell the little bastards don't do this at home.

Go to your neighbors.

Go to your neighbors.

There's some skin.

Now--

Now--

[chokes]

Kidding around.

Now I don't hide the razor blades in my mouth.

I don't spit them in the cup when I take a fake drink.

I don't spit them in the cup when I take a fake drink.

They're gone.

They're here.

The technical term is in the throat.

The technical term is in the throat.

Now, the last and final blade-- the hardest one of all.

Now, the last and final blade-- the hardest one of all.

And then something-- shit, I can't pick it up.

OK, there it is.

Come on, you little bastard.

It's stuck to the table.

It's stuck to the table.

There.

Now watch.

The last blade.

The last blade.

What's the point of all this?

What's the point of all this?

Here, this.

Three feet of cotton thread.

Watch.

I'll tell you when I'm kidding.

Now check this out.

Oh, shit.

Thread cut.

Now, give me some music.

Now, give me some music.

Watch.

[music playing]

[groans]

[applause]

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all very much for coming out!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you to Tanya, queen of the night!

Thank you to Tanya, queen of the night!

If you had a great time, I'm The Amazing Johnathan.

If you had a great time, I'm The Amazing Johnathan.

If you haven't, well, then that's Penn, my name is Teller.

If you haven't, well, then that's Penn, my name is Teller.

Good night, everybody.

Thank you all very much.

Thank you all very much.