Original subtitles

[Cell phones chiming, beeping]

[Upbeat dance music]

♪ ♪

- Race war!

It's a goddamn race war!

[Gunshots]

[Indistinct shouting]

[Car alarm wails]

- Flash mob... flash mob canceled.

The flash mob is canceled.

[Soul music]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Oh, my goodness. Thank you.

Thank you.

That's plenty.

- Thank you so much for coming out.

Welcome to the show. I am Keegan.

- I am Jordan. - And this is Key & Peele.

- Yep. - Thank you for coming.

- And we have had a fantastic time on our first season.

The first season of Key & Peele, our brand...

Mm-hmm, nope.

And, uh, this is happening, okay.

- Yep, just destroyed all the muscles

in this pectoral area.

- Nope, did not. - Yes, I did.

- Actually did not do that.

He plays these games while we're trying

to actually get something done.

Can't acknowledge it.

Don't know.

- I don't even understand how he's still talking.

I just paralyzed him with my kung fu fingers,

so I don't know how he's speaking.

- I am talking, so clearly wasn't paralyzed.

Doesn't hurt, doesn't... yeah.

- Right there. - Nope, didn't do anything.

- His eye's going to pop out of his head right now, so...

- You want to ignore this. - Pressure points.

- If you ignore it, it will stop eventually.

Really, you can't sink to his level.

That's the main key.

You can't... you can't cave in,

because after a while...

after a while, he's just going to...

You know, the best thing to do...

Sometimes you just gotta walk away.

And your scrotum exploded.

- Oh! Oh-ho-ho! [Cheers and applause]

- [Laughing] Coolio, man.

Oh, yeah, "soitainly."

Oh, hey, I gotta go.

Yeah, Terry out.

- Terry, how you doing, man?

- Hey, pretty good, Gabe.

Oh, got something on your shirt.

- Not today, Terry.

- Looks like Gabe's come out to play.

You do have something on your shirt though.

- No, I don't. - Yeah, you kind of do.

- No, I'm pretty sure I don't. - Got a clean shirt at my desk

if you want me to get it for you.

- Don't see why that would be necessary.

- Really? Because the shirt you have on right now,

it's not clean. - Except for that it is.

- Me, I have a clean shirt. - Oh.

- You, you have some schmutz on your jammy-jam.

- No, there is no schmutz on my jammy-jam.

- You know what? Why don't I just get it for you?

- Yeah, why don't you do that? - Yeah.

- [Clears throat]

- And there we go.

- Did you get it?

- [Laughing]

I almost got you. - Yeah.

- I was that close. - Almost, yeah.

- I mean, I'm thinking, "Damn, he's good."

[Both laughing]

But you know what the funny thing is?

- What's that?

- Now I guess from when I dabbed

your shirt with the paper towel,

and I'm not playing the game right now,

but I actually... I must have got some paper-towel fuzz

on your shirt, so...

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, how long has Karen been wearing her hair up like that?

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Shh.

I don't want you to have to go through that.

And I'm sorry it happened.

- Hey, Terry, what's going on?

- Uh, nothing. - Having a good morning?

- Ye... - I'm having a fuckin'

terrific morning.

- Great.

- Hope there's nothing on my shirt.

'Cause I can't look down.

- Oh, no, dude, we're not doing that right now, okay?

There's nothing on your shirt.

No one cares about your shirt.

Everything's not about you.

I'm trying to have a conversation

with Karen right now, so...

- You okay, Terry? - It just pisses me off.

[Cell phone vibrates]

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- [screams]

I got it. I got it.

There's no way you're gonna do it right now.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I do have schmutz.

There's schmutz all over me now.

He can't deny that.

Terry's not going to know what hit him.

[Laughs] I will win! I win!

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

What... what happened?

- Terry died.

♪ ♪

- Be right back.

Hey, Terry.

It's Gabe.

I, um, just wanted to let you know that, um,

that you didn't get me, Terry.

You didn't get me,

because on the day that you died,

there was schmutz on my shirt.

So guess who wins the game, Terry.

I do. I win. [Laughing]

You lose!

Aah!

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[crying] Oh, Terry.

He flicked me.

- You ever not tell somebody that you haven't seen a film

because of how they react

when they find out you haven't seen it?

- Yes, yes. - Yeah.

You know what I'm talking about.

- I've done it. - Yeah.

People completely flip out,

and they freak out and everything about the movie.

- Dude, you do it. - It's like, it's just a movie.

- You do it. - I don't do it.

- You've done it to me. - When have I done it?

- The Wiz.

- How have you not seen The Wiz?

- This is what I'm talking about, by the way.

- How haven't you seen The Wiz?

Everybody has seen The Wiz.

- I haven't seen it. Why do I have to see that?

- Why? Because you are black.

- Okay.

- You see, there's five movies you have to see.

It's very simple, Jordan, they're all one-word titles...

Shaft, Wiz, Friday, Juice, and Roots.

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

- Isn't Roots, like, ten hours long?

- No, you didn't... no, you're telling me

you haven't seen Roots.

- Dude, this is what I'm talking about.

[Dance music]

♪ ♪

Oop, uh, 'scuse, pardon me.

- Hey, player. - How you doing, man?

- Hey, can I make a request? - For sure, man.

What are you looking for? - Hey, man.

Hook a brother up with some old school.

- Oh, yeah, all right, word.

Okay, what you looking for... Biggie, Tupac?

- Biggie, Tupac?

Come on, man, that's too new.

I'm talking about that old school, man.

You know what I'm talking about.

- I thought I did, man, but, like, uh, Wu-Tang Clan?

- Pshh. Wu-Tang Clan?

Come on, man, those fools just came out.

Hook a brother up with some of that old school.

- Okay, I don't know what you looking for, man. N.W. A?

- N.W. A?

Come on, man, what do I look like, a kid out there?

Talking about the N.W.A., fo' shizzle, my nizzle,

criss-cross, applesauce, Who's the Boss?

Tony Danza at a loss.

I don't know it, all right?

I'm talking about that old school.

- Okay, you know what?

That's my bad, old man, all right?

We gonna take it back, all right?

I'm gonna bust out some Run-DMC for you right now.

- Run-DMC?

[Snickering]

Come on, man, I don't know about none of this Run-DMC,

wouldn't want to be a, onomatopoeia,

grab a donkey by the toe, give him gonorrhea.

I don't know it, all right?

All I know is some old school.

And if you can't give it to me, you can't give it to me.

- Come on, man, Run-DMC is old school.

- Ahh.

- Well, can you name a group? - You the DJ, man.

I ain't trying to tell you how to do your job.

- Grandmaster Flash. - Oh, man, Grandmaster Fla...

you sounding like a kid yourself,

talking about Grandmaster Flash to the...

[rapping gibberish]

Don't stop the boogie to the bang bang boogie to upchuck...

Why people talking about upchuck?

- Sugarhill Gang.

- Brother, how we end up in Candyland?

- You know what, man?

If you want some old school, then you come back here

and find it yourself.

I'm going on break.

- All right, then, well, get myself back here right here.

See what's going on back here.

What we got? What we got?

Let's see... nope, nope, nope, nope,

nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

Ah, there, now we talking.

[1920s jazz music]

Aw, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ah, yeah.

Daddy.

Got to pull it. They got to pull it.

They got to pull it. They got to pull it.

They got to pull it.

- What the fuck is happening?

- There he is. - Hey, hey, hey, what's up?

- Hey, man. What up, man?

- Hey, here's the deal.

100%, grass-fed Japanese Kobe beef, $35 a pound.

- That's what I'm talking about.

- Mm-hmm. - All right.

Let's grill these little homeys up.

- Right, all right. Oh, man. Is that ground chuck, man?

No offense, I ain't trying to park my Bentley

next to your Toyota, you know what I'm saying?

- Come on, man. - Oh, you just putting them

right next to the frozen patties.

Yeah, all right.

- Hey, relax, man. I'm gonna cook them good.

- Okay, yeah.

- All right, so how's Teresa doing?

- She's good. She's good. She's sad she couldn't be here.

You know, she's got a closing today.

You want to flash-cook those because they're real lean.

You know, they're grass-fed.

So you just want to probably flip them right... right now.

All right.

- Hey, who wants cheese on their burger?

- Nobody, nobody. Nobody wants cheese.

- Anybody want a double burger?

- No, nobody wants a double burger.

That's like putting a diamond ring on a pig hoof.

I'm sorry, but the grass that these cows ate

costs more than this house. - All right, no double burgers.

- No double burgers... - Hey, what the hell?

- You may as well just poop on that.

- What?

- You just ketchup-raped my Kobe burger.

This was a mistake. This... no, no.

No, no. Uh-uh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

See, this meat came all the way over here

from the Pacific Ocean by boat

because the air pressure wouldn't ruin its integrity.

Give me that.

You are not worthy. Gimme that burger.

This is ridiculous. This is 126... oh!

This little mother...

$126 worth of beef.

Y'all are not worthy.

- Did he take my dog?

So you know what white people hate?

Being called racist. - Yes.

White people flip out...

- They hate it. - When you call them a racist.

- It's like, "I am not."

- "I am not a racist."

Racist is the "N" word for white people.

- Yes, it is. [Cheers and applause]

- Nothing else works.

Cracker didn't work. - Nope.

- Honky didn't work. - Sounds too fun.

- Old fang, whatever that means, didn't work.

- I've never even heard that.

But we're good at, like, figuring out how to use that.

It's like a Jedi mind trick. It goes like this.

Be a white guy. Say something white.

- Okay, all right. - Okay.

- Excuse me, sir, you can't bring

an outside beverage into the theater.

- Racist. - Right this way.

[Cheers and applause]

Just like that.

So I just finished episode four.

- Okay, so the Lannisters... - Yep.

- Are the blonde people. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- And the female Lannister is married

to Robert Barantheon, who is the king.

- Is it Barantheon or Baratheon?

- Right, right.

- And then the other blonde girl is the, um...

- Can I get you something?

- Oh, I don't know, um,

three kamikaze shots, whatever.

Oh, my God, I can't believe he just did that.

- What's that?

- Served me before you guys.

I'm really against that. I'm so sorry.

- No, it's okay. We, uh... we've got beers.

- No, I mean, I'm sorry about everything.

- Oh, that's fine. It's fine.

- No, no, it's been 100 years of not fine.

I mean, 20 years ago,

you guys wouldn't have even been allowed in here.

- 20 years... that would be 1992.

- You're both really beautiful.

- Oh, she's done.

- That just happened, didn't it?

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, amazing.

Where were we? - So the Lannisters...

- Okay. - She's the queen.

- Jaime Lannister is the other one.

- Jaime and... - Yo, yo, yo, what up, man?

Hey, give me another lager, you know what I mean?

Spilled my last one on my Tribe shirt... can you believe that?

But whatevs, got this thing in '93...

Midnight Marauders tour. Check that out.

It's everywhere. Oh, man. - Mm-hmm.

- Hey, uh, who's your favorite member of Tribe?

- Smok... smoke... Smokey. Know what I mean?

Love him, dude, more behind the scenes, but he was, like...

All right, good. See you guys around though.

- Mm-hmm. Okay. - Cool.

- One more, one more, one more. Come on, son.

Boom. All right, late.

- Oh, he spun. He spun. - Wow.

Second person to not wait for their drink, by the way.

- Yep.

Okay, let me ask you this, then.

What's with the barbarian dude

who looks like a huge Dave Navarro?

- Okay. - Who's that guy?

- Oh...

I need a drink. [chuckles] Just finished Amistad.

I saw it 3 times, and I'll see it 100 more times

because, like, I'm happy to do it.

If that's what those guys went through,

I'm happy to sit through it, you know, 300 more times

or whatever, you know, it takes.

- Yeah, it's pretty intense.

- See, my thing is, is, like, I don't think

one person should own another person, period.

- I'm glad that that's what you got from that movie.

- That's a true statement.

- Yeah, I mean, I don't care when it happened, all right?

It should never happen. It should never occur.

But, like, I'm preaching to the choir.

You guys know what I'm talking about.

- Yeah, we do. - Yeah, we do.

- It's like, why did anybody even do that?

I'm like, "No, you didn't. No, you didn't.

What you doing, girlfriend? No, you didn't."

I'm ashamed. - You know what?

It's really probably okay because you weren't there.

- Okay, well, we can come up with excuses all day, all day.

- It's not an excuse so much. - Let's just not do that.

Let's not do that.

- Look, hey, bottom line, we cool.

Right? - Yeah.

- All right. - Yeah, we are cool.

- We're kickity-cool? - Yes.

- What's that?

- Didn't say anything. - Nothing.

- Oh, you didn't...

All right, four more years.

- Hey, if it makes you guys feel any better,

black people make me really uncomfortable.

Both: Thank you.

- So uh, my favorite sport is mixed martial arts.

- It is. I know that. You're a big fan.

- Oh, I love it.

And I think from watching it, I think I've picked it up.

I pick up some of that...

- I'm sorry. You think that you've picked it up?

- I can get out of any attack.

- Can I... Really? Can I do a thing?

- Do whatever you want.

- There's, like, one thing that I know.

- Do whatever you try. - So what if I...

If I do this, if I do that...

- All right, you're my friend,

and I know you're not going to hurt me.

You're my friend, and I know you're not going to hurt me.

You're my friend and I know you're not going to hurt me.

So there's no way... - Of course I'm not going hurt...

- Know who you're dealing with.

[Cheers and applause] See what I did there?

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

Hey, as far as I'm concerned, this Saturday night,

there's not even going to be a fight.

I'm gonna mercy-kill this old man.

- Derek is very good person.

But soon, he will learn manners.

I will torture his body

so that his soul learns to be humble.

- I'm gonna dance around him while he tries

to hit me with his cane, old man.

- God chose me for this fight.

God is the teacher, Derek is the student,

and I am God's instrument.

When I squeeze your lungs, Derek,

and you beg me for life,

then your heart will open up to the Lord.

- I'm gonna knock him out round one, bitch.

Wait. What did he say again?

He said God chose him.

That doesn't even make sense, really.

- When you eat through plastic tube,

when you are paralyzed from neck down,

then your family

will gather around your hospital bed

to see the new Derek.

- Okay, he know we just talking here, right?

I mean, we just...

We just getting people interested in the fight...

because I'm sorry... is this nigga crazy?

- God's lessons are so beautiful.

- "God's lessons are beautiful"?

I'm sorry. Who put this fight together?

This is just...

If y'all got an actual crazy person for me to fight,

well, that's not fair to me...

Or him.

- [Speaking in tongues]

- What you mean, you can't find him?

Well, where is he?

Yo, man, where my manager at? Steve?

How's it...

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you so much.

- All right, so here's the thing.

Keegan can't say good-bye, so I'm gonna say good-bye.

- Why can't I... What?

- Broke your larynx. That's why.

Broke your larynx. Good night, everybody.

Good night.

[Cheers and applause]

- ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

- Oh, yeah.

- Remember the video stores, there was always

new releases, but then there was also new arrivals.

If you have Julia Roberts in your movie,

it's a new release.

If Eric Roberts is in it, it's a new arrival.

Nicolas Cage, new release.

Both: Nicolas Cage, new arrival.