Original subtitles

Morning, ladies.

Another great day in Larkhall, eh, Mr McAllister?

Something like that, don't you?

How'd that end up here?

A star.

Settling dead easy, I do.

Ah, good.

Well, I hope Danny will show you the ropes.

Yeah, no problem.

The crystal down the block, it's just the two of you, sir.

Luxury, isn't it?

Well, like I said, Danny will show you what's what, but if you have any

or anything you want to know about, just give me a shout, all right? Yeah,

thanks.

He seems all right.

Yeah, for a screw.

You've got to watch for a lot of them.

Can't trust them.

Can't you?

Won't think twice about doing the over when they feel like it.

But, uh, stick with me. You'll be fine.

Anyway, uh, you can take care of yourself, can't you?

Being banned up for triple murder.

Morning, Julie.

Morning, Mr McAllister.

Morning, Mr McAllister.

Here.

I bet he's tackled all in working order.

What? You mean... Why not?

Any kid of his would be right, Dazzler.

I face it, you wouldn't kick him out of bed now, would you?

Well, certainly, cos I'd never get him into bed in the first place.

And in case he forgot, he's a bleeding screw.

No, come on, Julie, let's not be negative.

Somebody's had a couple of obstacles.

You've just got to get over them.

Or in this case, underneath them.

Well, if you ask me, with one arm in a sling, Dockley should be half as much

trouble.

So as far as you're concerned, Sylvia, we should just wait for her arm to heal

and forget how it happened.

Well, she said she felt.

And you believe that?

No.

Well, there must be a dozen women here who've got a score to settle with

Dockley. Maybe now she'll think twice about throwing her weight around again.

And that's what you'll tell the inquiry when someone gets murdered?

I don't care if Dockley had it coming or not. I want to know who attacked her.

It's all right. I don't want no trouble. I've seen what you can do.

Oh, for God's sake, Yvonne, stop it.

I'm only having a laugh, Babs. It's not funny.

I can't believe what I did. No, neither can the rest of us.

But the fact is, you did it, and Dudley deserved it.

I acted like an animal.

Well, that's nothing special in here, love.

Welcome to the zoo.

So, how'd it happen, then?

What?

What's yours?

Killing three people?

No big deal.

No big deal? Offering free people?

I worked on a supermarket fish counter.

A fish counter?

My boss is this fat bitch.

Always on at me.

Do this, get that. Why haven't you done such and such?

Well, one day when we shut up shop, I forgot to stick these oysters in the

fridge. Next morning, she finds them. And of course they've gone off.

She goes up like a moon rocket and calls me a worthless shitwit.

Really has a go.

You know.

Cow.

Stopped till she made me cry.

Anyway.

She sent me to chuck the oysters away.

So I decided I was going to get some payback.

No way, right?

It's true.

I poured the bad juice over another tray of fresh ones.

I thought I'd show her it was a shitwit.

I reckon the oysters would give a few people the squits and word they'd get

to environmental health.

Nice one.

This old couple and the pregnant woman, though, didn't just get the squits, did

they?

It wasn't just environmental health that came calling.

They brought the coppers with them.

The oysters did that?

Yeah.

Anyway, all this talk about food's got me famished.

What's the recce like round here?

Didn't they feed you on remand? Yeah, you get more on a bird table.

Well, I suppose they're not dying there.

Watch out for yours at this time.

You're all right, you.

Thanks. I reckon we're going to have a laugh in here, you and me.

Yeah, I reckon we will.

Listen, if you're interested, me and some of the other girls, we've got this

scam going on.

Like what?

That fool.

How? You'll never guess.

Telephone sex lines.

You're pulling me, Jane.

No, I'm honest.

It's a titty little mobile phone.

And you don't ring, they vibrate, so there's no snot all about them. All

got to do is talk dirty.

Hey,

Shelton,

what happened to your arm?

Wasn't much where I was going, was I?

Flipped and fell.

Oh, right.

If anybody touched you, you know I'll come and fix it for you, don't you?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

I know some of you think you're hard enough to sort out any problems you

have with a bit of aggro.

On the outside, that's your business.

But there is no room for violence in Larkhall.

I'm not having it from any of you.

Not on G -Wing.

Now, someone's had a go at Shel Dockley.

And I want to know who.

Take easy back. No one's going to cry on you.

Well, keeping quiet's not going to do anybody any good.

If anyone has information, they can park it on to their personal officer.

That won't be necessary, Miss.

I hit her. I did it.

You!

I know it's hard to believe. I can hardly believe it myself.

The old cow's barmy.

I just fell over and no one's laid a finger on me.

You fell over?

Honest, miss, I'm telling you.

No one's had a go at me. I'd tell you if they had, wouldn't I?

Barbara?

Oh, come on, miss.

I wouldn't lie to you, you know that.

And how's an old mare like that going to take me?

Hey, listen, Yvonne, this is my mate, Shaz. Hiya.

She wants to get in with my phone hard.

Why, do you want to work a switchboard?

She can talk dirty.

I'm sure that's very nice for you after the lock -up, but I'm not into that sort

of thing, Denny.

Now, listen, Yvonne... Look, I don't know what you're on about, all right,

Denny?

Shit.

I'm taking me pants off now.

Yeah, can you hear them?

I'm completely naked now.

Oh, I wish you could see me.

Right, will you just do your own thing?

10p a minute and counting.

You all right?

No, I bloody well ain't.

What's that?

You two been mouthing off to anyone?

What do you mean?

What about our nice little owner here?

You don't need to worry about us. We know when we're on to a good thing. We

wouldn't tell nobody.

Well, Denny's bleeding us.

Oh, what, again?

Who's she told this time?

Who do you think?

Her new little girlfriend.

Oh, bloody hell.

Is she going to go and tell every girl she fancies? The old wing's going to

know. All we need is for the screws to find out about one phone and we'll all

stuffed. Oh, John, you've finished?

Oh. Well, call me again, yeah?

I'll be here.

Another satisfied customer.

Can't get enough.

How many times have he called you this week?

He likes me. Can't help it. We've got quite a few regulars between us now.

Good. Well, some of them quite nice.

Well, for wanking.

Yeah.

Nice one, eh? Where did you get that?

Nightclub. Some bit dummy with a carpet knife.

What did you do to her?

Spilt her drink.

What, she did that because you spilt her drink?

What? I did spill it over her head.

Shit.

Don't forget a night out with you in a hurry, I'll bet.

No way, man.

You fancy one tonight?

Night out?

Yeah. Yeah, all right.

What do you fancy?

Pictures or a night in the pub? I mean it.

Look, when I was in remand, someone showed me this trick.

I could get out of here like that.

Yeah.

Only one way to prove it.

Everything all right, is it, Julie? What?

Yeah, of course it is.

Truth is, sir, we was just wondering.

Oh, yeah?

What about?

It's funny, isn't it? I mean, just how much we serve you. Every day you're

unlocking us in the morning, locking us up at night, but...

We've never really got to know you, have we? Oh, we know you're a nice bloke and

that. Oh. We know that. We know that.

But we was just wondering about outside.

Like, whether you had a... A girlfriend?

A girlfriend.

Oh, Sammy.

No.

Oh. Oh.

Was there anything else?

It'll be the hours, I expect.

I mean, not much chance to socialise when you work in a place like this.

You'll take time out to relax, though.

There's a lot of stress in your job, isn't there? Now, stress, Jew, one of

biggest killers of modern times.

If it's going somewhere, Julie, because if it isn't, I am.

That reminds me. Jew, I'll catch you later.

Mr McAllister?

I'm off too. Oh, see, that's just what I mean.

All this rushing around, Mr McAllister.

It's not good for your arm.

What are you doing here?

Tell you the truth, I don't really know.

Piss off, then.

I want to know why you did it.

Why you did that today.

Just be grateful I did.

Anyway, I didn't do it for you.

Well, thank you anyway.

So I quit, yeah?

Now you keep out of my way, and I'll keep out of yours.

Deal?

Sorry, Julie, I've got to go.

What about kids, Mr McAllister?

You must want children.

Yeah, one day, perhaps. Well, you know, they say modern -day stress is having a

terrible effect on the, you know, what's -it -count.

I'll bear it in mind.

But right now, the only stress I've got to worry about, Julie, is you.

Oh, I don't want to cause you no stress, Mr McAllister.

Just the opposite.

But, I mean, watching your little boy or your little girl growing up, think of

us... How therapeutic that would be, especially if you could see them while

were at work.

Julie, are you feeling all right?

Oh, more than all right, Mr McAllister.

How about you?

I'm not sure.

Well, why don't you come with me and we'll see what we can do?

Julie, I hope for once you are messing me around, otherwise you're in big

trouble. What?

Propositioning a prison officer.

See what I mean?

Why are you saying it so seriously, Mr McAllister?

You need to get yourself a sense of humour.

Come on, he got bloody done then. Oh, blimey, he don't know what he's missing.

Oh, maybe we should forget the old idea.

Oh, you don't mean that, Jo.

Not after the way you were looking at poor little Robbie at Zandra's memorial

service. Yeah, but he's hopeless, isn't he?

Of course not.

You've just got to put your trust in God.

What's the matter?

I'll go and get the doctor.

What for? Having a laugh?

Possessing an unauthorised article.

And you can wash it and all before it goes back.

You're a total nutter, Ma.

Oh, that was nothing.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't mean to startle you.

No, it's all right.

I just didn't hear you come in.

Oh, you was in conversation.

Oh, it's, um, Gillian, isn't it? Julie. Oh, I'm sorry.

Um, you're not a regular, are you?

Me? Making his clockwork.

Me mummy set her alarm behind me bells.

Is there something wrong, Julie?

Wrong?

As the chapel isn't a normal haunt of yours, I can only imagine you have a

special reason for coming.

Yeah, I have, but it's a bit difficult.

Don't worry.

Whatever your problem, I'm your man.

They'll go then.

That's the trouble with a bleeding church. If you ain't a virgin, they

interested. He ain't interested because he's a vicar.

He's a man.

And the trouble is, Duke, we are running out of them in here pretty quick.

There's always, uh, Mr. Fenner.

Mr. Fenner?

Oh, you're right.

Even he probably won't be interested.

Not after that business with Shell.

So that's that knocked on the head thing?

Oh.

Whiplash wonder, what can I do for you today?

Oh, hello, John.

John.

I'm going to stand around and go up later.

Give us your eyes, bitch.

Now, come on. Come on.

Let's have you.

Move it. Hurry up. Someone's going to help you go, too.

Well, what would be really nice is a picture of you, John.

Oh, you would?

Oh, that would be lovely.

And what if I were to send you a visiting order so you could come and

Yeah, face to face. Would you like that?

Oh, great.

Well, hang on, I'll get you addressed.

Yeah. Go on, then.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Got it.

I can't wait.

I'll see you soon, lover.

Bye. Bye.

Bloody hell, Jew. Are you sure you know what you're doing?

He's a man, isn't he?

He'd be more up for it than either of your bright ideas.

Well, of course he will.

He's a bleeding, sad old pervert.

That's unfair.

John's always been really nice. on the phone. It don't matter what he sounds

like. He is a dirty old perv. Not necessarily.

And anyway, ask him to send me a piccy so I can see what he looks like.

It's going to go ballistic if she finds out. Well, how's she going to know?

Renie Williams.

Sentenced to 18 months.

Congratulations. You've won a car.

Comedian, are we? This place fills me full of laughs.

Any medical problems?

Why don't you examine me to find out, darling?

Any medical problems?

No.

Right, let's see what we've got in here.

You'd better make sure no -one gets their frigging thieving fingers on that

stuff. Don't worry.

We keep all the thieves under lock and key. That's why you're here, in case you

forgot. Who's the comedian now?

You'll spend the weekend in the reception dorm. Then you'll be taken

wing on Monday.

Dorm?

I'm not sleeping in any dorm.

Yes, you are.

She's all yours.

Get your hands off me, you... Hey!

You've got a problem.

Because you are really starting to piss me off.

Are you sure this is going to work? I'm telling you. They did it in remand.

We've just got to make sure there's enough paper in there and it's wadded up

really tight.

It's got to be worth a go anyway.

I'm telling you.

What?

It's been a long one today, Dominic.

Another day, another dollar, Sylvia.

Anyway, I suppose it was worthwhile coming in today to see madam make a fool

herself.

She's got as much chance of finding out who clobbered Cheryl Dockley as finding

Lord Lucan.

If anyone cares who clobbered her one.

Let them fight it out amongst themselves, Dr Dicey.

I'll get in and I'll shut you up for good, all right?

They'll kill us if they find out. Who's going to see us to tell them?

What are you going to do without?

That's it.

That's the last one.

Place is gonna go up like a frigging bomb in the morning. This is a bit of a

walk.

Close call.

Maybe we ought to get back.

I've just got a bit of unfinished business to take care of.

What are you doing?

Something else I learned in the band.

Watch and learn.

Yeah.

Yeah, the visiting order's in the post.

You should get it tomorrow.

No, I can't wait either.

I'll see you soon.

Bye.

So it's all systems go then, is it?

I'm sure John's the one, you know.

How come?

Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

There I am. Now go with the chaplain or Mr McAllister and then John phones up

out of the blue.

He's a punter, Jo.

All the same.

Sounds nice.

And what room have we got to go judging blokes that ring us up for a cheap

thrill? Acres of it. We know what they're like.

No, we don't.

Maybe he's too shy to find himself a girlfriend.

Well,

you don't know.

The only thing I don't know is how he's going to get you up the dick in the

middle of the bleeding visiting room.

I was just going to go nubbing nuclear.

That was the idea.

I'd better clean this out so I don't get sussed in the morning.

Wicked man, it says.

I can have a top -notch time, you and me, Denny.

Does anybody want to explain?

I don't think we can, Mum.

Well, let's suppose we're not dealing with poltergeists or gremlins.

Let's suppose someone hasn't been doing their job properly.

Then surely that's down to the night staff.

Well, I'll be speaking to the night staff.

But locking up prisoners is your responsibility.

And clearly last night somebody wasn't locked up.

I don't see how that's possible.

Oh, so back to the Phantom of Larkhall.

You were the senior officer on lock -up last night, Sylvia.

Did you make sure every cell was secure?

I know how to do my job, Mum.

I didn't ask that.

I asked if you did it.

Yes, I did.

Well, someone here's responsible for this mess.

Are you up for it again tonight?

What, going out?

It's going to be harder than shit, Mum.

I know you're right.

It's always the same old broken record, isn't it?

Sylvia Scott.

Sylvia Scott.

Sylvia Scott.

You were with me at lock -up last night. If I did something wrong, you tell me

what it was.

You didn't do anything wrong, Sylvia. No, I didn't.

And you two, you can put a stop to that.

What? Handling each other.

It's disgusting.

Just jealous.

Enough of your lip.

You want me to touchy -feely banged up on the block, will you?

You don't want to bother what she says, dried -up old bag.

Hiya, Cheryl.

You're right, Chaz.

Trouble with Olinby is she ain't getting any.

So you coming up to see me after a long time lock -up, then? I've got some

ciggies. I'd love to, Cheryl, but me and Chaz have got art.

Art? Yeah, we're doing art class here.

Fair enough.

No big deal.

Another time, yeah?

If you like.

Get your gear together.

You're moving on to Chewing. Well, I've lived better than this duffel. It's

alive of bloody bugs.

Surprisingly, I ain't chewed me down to the bone while I've been in here.

Well, you want to get a move on then, won't you?

A shower.

That's what I want.

Smells like a jungle in here.

You make one more remark like that and I'll have you on report.

Oh, come on, then. You've got to rope me.

And he's dead ugly.

What if there's something wrong with him?

When we was working, you had ugly men.

Yeah, but I don't want ugly kids, do I?

Well, there's only one way to find out.

He's a bit of all right, isn't he?

Looking forward to seeing you in the flesh.

Yeah, I'll bet he is.

Still, my way, you both get what you're after and it won't get too messy.

As long as you're quick.

Well, well.

Small bloody world, ain't it? I wonder where they'd shoved you.

So now you know.

Yeah, I do, don't I?

Then you'll be dead close.

You'll be sharing with two other girls.

There's a third who's unrestricted now, but she'll be back in a couple of weeks.

Screw this, I want someone young.

Tough, you're in here.

What have they got you in for, then?

Tartan on the street corner.

Love, darling.

I'm doing this for my fella, aren't I?

He'll look like you, I suppose.

Still breathing, then?

Oh, yeah.

He'll live forever.

He's got a charmed life, he has.

What about you?

Me?

Yeah, you.

You've got a charmed life.

Because you're going to need one now I'm here.

What's in that?

It's a Sanya.

I know what it is. I asked what was in it.

Do I look like Dilly freaking Smith?

How do you like to have your tits dipped in the chip pan, darling?

Do you know her, that new woman?

Well, you might say that her bloke and my Charlie were business competitors.

Oh, I see.

Look, don't worry. You'll be all right. Just stay out of her way.

Anyway, she's got her sights set on someone else.

You?

It was all her man fixing at the time bumped my Charlie off.

That's how I landed in here.

It was really William's husband I took a contract out on to pill.

Do you have to eat like that?

What one?

Bitch.

Which bitch is shitting now, eh?

Hey, come on. Leave her alone.

Let's just get a couple of things sorted, all right?

All right, sweetheart.

Yes.

I don't like you.

Or your little boyfriend.

And if I have to share a room with you two monkeys, get one thing clear.

This is Rini's room.

Okay? All right.

Wow, Jew, you're going to look gorgeous.

I could go for you myself.

Are you sure?

Trust me. I'll look at you and you'll be like pussy in your hands.

Well, let's hope not, eh?

Don't you worry.

Are you sure this is going to work?

It doesn't seem very scientific to me.

Science has got nothing to do with it. Believe me, it'll work.

It's nature, isn't it?

It doesn't sound very natural to me either.

Listen, you just make sure you've got the yoghurt pot at the ready. Then a

syringe, and bingo.

I could open my own clinic when I leave here.

Hello, Miss Tina.

Oh, no, thank God.

There's one job I loathe in here at visiting time.

And pouring each other and telling each other how much they'll miss the other.

And afterwards it's back to the girlfriend for him and the same for her.

I want you to know, this is a real pleasure.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

Nobody takes any pictures of me these days.

Still, I haven't changed that much, have I?

Why? Are you disappointed?

Oh, no, no.

Of course not.

Of course.

Everything works as well today as it did then, you know.

I can't believe it.

All the time, I... I didn't expect this, all these... You know, I thought...

Got you.

Out, now.

We weren't doing nothing.

Well, whatever you were doing... I hope you made the most of it.

Because you two are getting split up for good.

It would just be like over the phone.

Only I'll be here to give you a hand.

Unnatural activities.

Butcher.

Denny Blood and that new girl are all over each other like bedboils.

It's sickening.

And it's a bad influence.

In what way, exactly?

I beg your pardon.

Perhaps I should remind you, ma 'am, that lesbian activities are against

rules.

Just how difficult do you want your job to be?

I'm sorry, I don't follow you.

Some rules.

Not many.

But one or two are best turned a blind eye to if we want to have any chance at

all of running an orderly prison.

Then don't watch them when they're at it.

Don't watch them when they're at it.

What does she think I am?

I think she knows what you are, self.

It's a prison, not married quarters.

What's that?

No.

There is something.

No, it's nothing. Honestly, just relax and enjoy yourself.

What the hell are you doing?

What's that?

Oh, it's just a little yogurt pot.

I'll get it.

It's a scam.

Nine months down the line, you rip me with a paternity suit. No, no, it's not

like that.

What's going on here?

I'm waiting, Julie.

Came in for the kitchen.

Was there a kitchen?

Do you want to try again?

No.

We didn't mean no harm.

What, turning Larkhall into a Soho vice ring?

No, we didn't, miss.

We're really sorry.

You've got every right to be upset.

Well, thank you for your understanding.

Now, perhaps you'd like to tell me who else was in on this scam of yours?

No one. No, it's just us. Just us.

Just you?

Yes, miss.

No way, Julie.

Well, yeah, miss. I mean, we can be pretty handy when we need to be. Yeah,

very experienced. You know, we know what men like.

Oh. Well, that was obvious in the visiting room.

There's really no -one else involved.

On it.

On it.

Come on, you lot!

I want everyone in their cells!

There's been a serious breach of security.

I'll see that the phone is... What? It's got to be. They'll find out about the

phone. It better not be your bloody mate, Denny. No way, man. She's cool.

Every cell on the wing's going to have a spin.

What are we going to do?

Here, take this dinner. She'll give you yours. Come on!

Move it! Thank goodness!

Save them good old days!

Then go and get yours and dump them. Where? Use your imagination.

You just make sure no one finds them.

Not much of a little black book, let alone a mobile phone.

Julie's going on their own.

Is that what Madam thinks?

As if she knows anything.

All I know is I need a brew.

Do you think that screw means it?

Olinby? Splitting us up?

Yeah, she means it.

Wish I had a bag of old oysters.

Lovely shows.

I thought you'd want to know that the powers that be have decided to turn a

blind eye to your activities.

Yes, but don't think I will.

What you two do to each other is unnatural and disgusting.

And if the only way to stop it is finding some way to get you split up,

I'll do it.

One way or the other.

If we get to you first, you won't.

Bloody hell did they think they were doing? Looks like they were giving some

bloke extras.

They were giving frigging extras.

Yeah, well, there was a couple of sick old tarts. Well, look on the positive

side. At least the screw didn't find your phones.

Yeah, but if we haven't got the phones, we can't carry on with the business, can

we? No, but you're not in trouble either, are you?

Be quiet now.

What's this?

You're listening out on the gossip, am I?

Love a bit of gossip, I do.

Yeah, well, this is private.

Yeah, suit yourself.

Anyhow, talking of gossip, I hear your Charlie got himself banged up.

Stupid thing to do, wasn't it?

Coppers got lucky.

Oh, lucky coppers.

Still, must be a weight off your mind, eh?

With you in here.

At least you know Charlie ain't poking any other women.

Don't judge my Charlie by what your old man gets up to.

Oh, I'm not love.

I'm speaking from experience.

Oh, don't tell me you never fessed up about me and him.

What?

In your dreams.

He wouldn't touch you with a barge pole.

No, you're right.

There wasn't a barge pole he used.

It's kind of unusual if I remember.

That nasty little scar he's got just over it.

A couple of inches lower and you wouldn't have had one to shag me with.

I'm not going to stand for that, are you?