All language subtitles for Top.Gear.UK.21x06.Burma.Special_.Part.1.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+.2.0.H.264-yariksheff

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Hello. Hello, everybody,
thank you very much. Thank you.

-A big welcome!
-Nice.

A big welcome.
Thank you and welcome.

Welcome to what is
a very special show,

because it is our
Christmas special.

Yeah, and this year
it's a little bit different.

-Yeah, because it's actually
the middle of March.
-It is.

The main reason it's a little
bit different is because our
producers have told us

that we should try our hands
at long-distance lorry driving.

Literally, my idea of heaven.

Yeah. They told us each to buy
a truck and report with it

to what the BBC calls
the Republic of the
Union of Myanmar.

But everybody else
calls it Burma.

'The meeting point was
a giant parade ground

'in the middle of
the old capital city, Rangoon.

'And I was the first to arrive.'

(ENGINE SQUEALS INTO SILENCE)

I've bought a stereo.

I have a speaker system here
in the roof,

the passenger seat has been
replaced with a subwoofer,

and there are two amps with
a combined power of 2,300 watts.

The best thing is, included in
the price was this comb

and an entire lorry.

It was built in 1959 or 1976.

People are a bit hazy on that.

What we do know for sure is that
Isuzu made the mud flaps,

which is odd, because it says
Mitsubishi on the axles.

-Ooh!
-(ENGINE APPROACHES)

Is that James? It is James.

Don't really call that a lorry.

Morning.

-Van, mate.
-What?

We had to bring lorries.

-That is a lorry.
-It's a van.

Technically it's a crane,
actually. I've bought a crane.

-Oh, is that what that is?
-Look at that.

A crane, two winches,
hydraulic rams, legs...

'And it had the latest
in high-tech dashboards.'

That's a mess.

Isn't this going to drive
your OCD madness...

Well, I've put labels on things
corresponding to what
I think they do.

Hazards... What's that?
I've got one of those.

I've had to put a
question mark on it.

Mine is a sports lorry.

Straight six, rear-wheel drive,
twin exhausts.

BMW 325i and this,
almost identical.

-Banging stereo.
-Really?

Seriously. You want to hear it?

Not really.
I expect it's quite...

(DEAFENING MUSIC)

(MUSIC DISTORTS AT HIGH VOLUME)

Anyway, I'm sure that won't
become annoying at all.

-I need to ask you a question.
-What?

-Why are you wearing a tie?
-Because I'm a
modern lorry driver,

and modern lorry drivers
are crisp and sharp.

The days are over
when you simply turned up

with a glove box
full of strong pornography
and egg on your vest.

'At this point, Hammond arrived

'with a glove box
full of strong pornography
and egg on his vest.'

(CLEARS THROAT)
What do you think?

JAMES: What is it?
A lorry or a Hindu temple?

-This has been
extensively modded.
-Has it?

Not just the visual
improvements.

They are significant, the lights
and the little studdy things,
but note...

Oh, God.

-All of that frame arrangement,
right, it's a farm truck.
-Yeah.

And that's so it can accommodate
those low-density big loads.

-Big loads of what?
-Crops.

What crop? Here? In Burma?
Home of the Golden Triangle?

-Hay.
-No.

-Or turnips.
-No.

-Kale.
-No, heroin.

That's all they really
grow here.
You've bought a heroin lorry.

Fit a lot of heroine in there,
wouldn't you?

Hammond, this seat,

-well, let's be honest,
it's a church pew.
-Yeah.

It looks like the sort of
railway carriage that
Agatha Christie went about in.

James has bought a van.

Has he parked it a long way
away, or is it that small?

'As we were admiring
the paintwork on Jeremy's lorry,
our challenge arrived.'

I'm quite excited, actually,
come to think of it!
We're here with these.

"In 1943, British, Australian
and Dutch prisoners of war

"were forced by their
Japanese captors to
build the Burma Railway

"across South-East Asia.

"Their efforts and
their suffering were
immortalised in the film

"Bridge On The River Kwai.

"That's what you're going to do.

"You're going to build a river
bridge which is strong enough

"to support the weight
of your lorries."

-I don't know anything about
bridge-building.
-Build a bridge?!

-How big a bridge are we
going to have to build...
-Yeah, how big?

-How much does yours weigh?
-About 1,000 tonnes.

Afraid it gets worse.

-You know they said
long-distance lorry driving?
-Yes.

"The only trouble is that
you have to drive
to the river in question,

"which is in Thailand."

-The River Kwai is
not in Thailand.
-Yes, it is.

The River Kwai is in Thailand.

-Where's Thailand?
-Is it? But it's in...

I promise you, the River Kwai,

I know everyone thinks it's
Burma, it isn't, it's Thailand.

So we're going to go and build
a bridge over the River Kwai.

-Like Alec Guinness.
-I don't know how
to build a bridge.

(THEY WHISTLE
COLONEL BOGEY MARCH)

JEREMY: 'In high spirits,
the journey began.'

We are off.

Oh, yeah.

JEREMY: 'We worked out that
the most sensible way
of getting to the river

'was to head right across Burma

to its northernmost border
crossing with Thailand.

'On this epic 1,200 mile
journey,

'we would find strange
new cities with no-one in them,

'cross mountain ranges
straight out of Jurassic Park,

'ford disease-filled rivers

'and attend a party which made
the scene at the end of
Apocalypse Now

'look like a quiet night in.

'And we'd have to do it all
in lorries which,
right at the start,

'weren't really
working properly.'

RICHARD: There are gauges.
Nothing works.

Nothing at all.
Not one of them.

Not fuel gauge, oil,
oil pressure, charge,

vacuum, temperature,
nothing works.

-(GEARS RASP)
-Oh, God above!

Ah! That's not it.

There's no synchromesh
on this gearbox,

so when you go from
third to second or whatever,
you have to...

Oh, bloody Nora,
double de-clutch.

(GEARS RASP)

Like that. Only smoother.

-Oh!
-(RATTLING AND SCRAPING)

Oh, God.

How fast am I going?
Speedo doesn't work.

Oh, my giddy aunt!
The ride is shocking.

Og!

Possibly a bit of play
in the steering.

Let me talk you
through my brakes.
They don't really work.

I've got three centimetres
of pedal travel
where nothing happens,

and then a millimetre
where it all happens
and the wheels lockup.

There's no handbrake,
and I'm not being stupid.
I've looked everywhere.

There isn't a puh-chh! one,
there isn't hand one,
there isn't a switch.

'And on top of
the mechanical problems,

'we had to deal with
Rangoon's pedestrians.'

(CARS HONK HORNS)

Stop wandering about
in the road!

Whoa! A granddad's just
walked by that child,
right underneath your lorry.

Whoa! Somebody else just did it.

Pedestrians have no concept
of traffic. None at all.

'And there was another issue.'

One of the reasons that driving
here is so difficult

is because everybody,
as you can see,
has right-hand-drive cars,

but they drive on the right.

And this is because,
for 46 years,

Burma was run by a chap
called General Ne Win,
who was a proper lunatic.

He was guided mostly
either by his dreams
or by his astrologers.

One morning, he woke up
and he thought,

"My country is slipping too far
to the left politically,

"so I shall correct this
by forcing everybody

"to drive on the right-hand side
of the road."

'This makes life particularly
difficult for bus passengers.'

JAMES: In a minute,
we'll see a bus pulled up
at the side of the road,

at a bus stop, but all the
people will be getting out
into the road,

because the bus used to go
on the left, so the doors...

It's just complete madness!

You may be wondering why today

people don't buy
left-hand-drive cars,

and if I'm honest,
I'm wondering that as well.

'Our worst problem, however,
was that James was navigating.'

RICHARD: James, can I say,
this can't be right.

-(HORNS HONK)
-JAMES: Sorry! Sorry!

How does James ever land his
aeroplane where he wants to be?

Right, should be this way.

JEREMY: 'It wasn't.'

RICHARD: Will I even
fit down there?

JAMES: Mind that sign
on your right, Hammond.

This is ridiculously tight!

JEREMY: 'As I sorted out some
compensation for
the damaged fruit...'

-Thank you.
-No, no!

Oh, I see, it was not enough.

'...Hammond was discovering
for the very first time

'the problems of being tall.'

Hold on a second, these wires...
these are too low.

Oh, God.

-I'm thinking if I crane out...
-It's only this one, isn't it?

Yeah, lift that,
you come underneath,
I'll drop it on you,

then it will just slide
along your rails.

Do it.

How about five crisp
English pounds?

(SHE SPEAKS IN HER OWN LANGUAGE)

Keep coming. Keep coming.

Haven't been electrocuted yet.

Haven't been electrocuted yet.
Still haven't been electrocuted.

I don't like it!
Oh, everyone's going to die!

(BANG)

You've ripped a hole
in the top of my truck!

James...

Why is your...
Your lorry's moving, James!

You've winched yourself into...

Put your handbrake on.

It hasn't got a handbrake.

-What do you mean,
it hasn't got a handbrake?
-It hasn't got a handbrake!

JEREMY: 'We were causing chaos.'

It's broken.

Whoa! What was that?!

James, I've got a headache!
I've never concentrated
this hard!

JEREMY: Sorry.
JAMES: I don't think it will
go through there, mate.

(HE SIGHS)

Sorry. Sorry.

Still, the good news is
we've done two miles.

'Mercifully, we eventually broke
free from the narrow streets.'

I'm in agony.

Left foot,
endless gear changing...

-(GEARS CREAK)
-God above.

Reverse.

Third... Oh, Christ!

Hang on a minute.

If I engage the low range

then I can put it in third gear
and basically leave it there
all day.

A-ha! How brilliant is this?

Oh, yeah.

No more gear changing.

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

That doesn't feel
very low range to me.

What is it if it isn't
a low-range gearbox?

Oh, my God!

My truck has split in half.

RICHARD: 'After I had explained
to Jeremy that he'd bought
a tipper lorry,

'I then had to deal with
CW McCall on the CB radio.'

-Hey, James.
-Hello.

-I've got it.
-You've got it?

Yeah, my handle.

I'm going to be called
Fighting Peacock.

Can I just abbreviate
that to Cock?

What are you going to be?

I thought I'd be James,
because that's my name.

Fighting Peacock!

JEREMY: 'On the outskirts
of Rangoon,
we came across a memorial

'to the 27,000
Commonwealth soldiers

'who died here
in the Second World War.

'It was a timely reminder that
the Bridge On The River Kwai

'was rather more than
a Sunday afternoon movie.'

"The Japanese sergeant
moved into position,
lifted his pick handle

"and delivered a blow
across Smith's back that
would have laid out a bull.

"All the thugs now set to
in earnest.

"Soon, little could be seen
but the rise and fall

"of pick helves
above the heads of the group,

"and there were sickening thuds
as blows went home
on the squirming, kicking body,

"periodically pulled back onto
its feet only to be
knocked down again.

"Bill Smith cried out repeatedly
that he was 50 years of age,

"appealing for mercy,
but to no avail..."

The tragedy is that all of
those 27,000 men

died fighting for
the liberation of Burma,

and straight after the war,
Britain got rid of it

and then it fell into the hands
of a tin-pot dictator
and Mystic Meg.

'With James still map-reading,
we headed out into the
countryside,

'where we hoped the driving
would be less stressful.'

(ENGINES ROAR PAST
AND HORNS HONK)

(BLEEP) Nora!

That's my first lock-up,
total lock-up.

I've lost second gear.
There it is.

Jeremy, that bus overtaking you,
he's mad.

(HORNS HONK INCESSANTLY)

Look, I can't,
I'm trying to change gear.

'The miles and the hours
rolled by.'

Ow! Ow!

I'm sitting on a church pew,
for God's sake.

My knee... Ah!

Ow! Ow!
My knee! Ow!

That is the going down
of the sun.

It's fabulous. Look at that.

'However, when the sun
had finished going down,

'things weren't so fabulous.'

That girl on that bike,
she's just invisible.

There's a moped there
with no lights on

and a bicycle there
with no lights on,

and I can't really see them,

because my headlights are, well,
they're glow-worms in jam jars.

Can you see anything, Hammond?

Not a thing.

Literally, just my own stupid
reflection in my windscreen.

Jeez, I'm so frightened of
running over a pedestrian,

I'm not even worried
about my knee any more.

-(HORN HONKS SUDDENLY)
-Whoa!

Well, if I had to dip
the headlights,

it would appear to be
full beam or off.

A lorry with one
central headlamp,

so you think it's a motorbike
until the last second,

and then, no!
It's a massive truck!

I'm bloody tired.

I've been driving today
for exactly 12 hours.

That would be illegal
in Britain.

But we are now very close
to the overnight hotel.

'Two agonising hours later,
we reached it.'

RICHARD: Do you know what?
This is like a trucker's place.

JAMES: Are we staying here?

JEREMY: 'The producers said yes,
and that our room was upstairs.'

Oh, it's not so bad!

-JEREMY: Is it not so bad?
-Yeah.

Oh, God.

Worst night's sleep in history.

It wasn't sleep.

-This lot.
-What were they doing?

(ENGINE SPUTTERS NOISILY
INTO LIFE)

That.

Look what I've done.

What have you done?

It's a leg brace
so I can change gear.

So it supports my knee.

-Let's go.
-Let's just move on,
erase it...

You know those Ice Road
Truckers, they're always going,

"We got a real tough job..."
They can shut up.

Cos I don't suspect that
the Ice Road Truckers

have to sleep like
this chap here.

Look at him.

'Before leaving, I checked the
map to see how far we'd come.'

No?

Here? Are you sure?

Here.

-Show me.
-Hammond.

This is where we began.

We're heading for here,
up here, around here.

So where do you think we are,
then, on this road?

No. We're here.

You know that fork when we left
Rangoon and James went left?

All of yesterday we
drove up here.

What was it, 14, 15 hours?

-Yeah, but...
-You're on the way
to Bangladesh.

'James suggested we go
all the way back to Rangoon

'and start again, but I fired
him as navigator and said

'we should take a
small road over the hills
to get back on course.

'This would mean driving
deep into the sticks.'

There seems to be a tradition
here for riding on a lorry
rather than necessarily in it.

I've just seen three
or four blokes on the top
of the cab of a lorry.

So if he brakes suddenly,

they all get run over,
I suppose.

JEREMY: 'Still, could be worse.'

Uh!

I'm not a young man and I'm
not a fit man, I'll be honest.

And I am suffering in here.
This ride is really brutal.

The problem is that the
sports lorry was designed
to work for a living,

was designed to have five or six
tonnes of stuff in the back.

Without that weight, it's just
bouncing all over the place.

'Obviously, I didn't want
to admit this to my colleagues,

'so when we stopped for tea
I tried discreetly
to rectify the problem.'

-(CLANG)
-(JEREMY TRIES TO DISGUISE IT
WITH A COUGH)

(HE FEIGNS COUGHING)

He's putting bricks in his truck
to weigh it down
to improve the ride.

I can see. He's going to need
a lot of bricks.

JEREMY: 'Having come to
the same conclusion,

'I decided to borrow
James's complicated crane.'

I can't stand watching this.

Right.

What the hell's happening?

What have you done, you moron?

I think you've actually
caught your own lorry.

Stop! Help! My knee!

Save the day!

-Oh, dear.
-Stop! Put it down!

You'll break the
jib off the crane.
And you've knackered my lorry.

I've just saved the day
by tipping my lorry up.

The bricks have fallen out,
the handbrake's not on.

-What have you done?
-It is on.

'At this point, I opted for
a less high-tech solution.

'And after they'd loaded a tonne
of bricks in the back,

'there was a noticeable
difference.'

It's not perfect,
but it's a hell of a lot better.

If I put more weight in, it will
be even more comfortable.

'So at the next village,
I bought some of the
region's special seeds.'

RICHARD: What's he doing?

JAMES: He thinks he's
bought some heroin.

-I have.
-RICHARD: Has he?

-I have bought heroin.
-It's rice.

-It isn't rice.
-It is rice.

Richard Hammond,
trust me on this,

on the streets of London,
this has a value of
12 million pounds.

No, mate, on the
shelves of Tesco, that has
a value of about a fiver.

It's not rice!

Are you going to
cut it with peas?

JEREMY: 'With the heroin loaded,
'I found a heavy old tree stump

'and asked James
to crane it on board as well.'

He is so unbelievably happy.

'With the sports lorry fully
loaded, it was transformed.'

Oh, yeah!

First bump, I shan't even feel
it, because the ride is sublime.

The ride of a
Rolls-Royce Phantom.

'However, on the hills,
there was a bit of a downside.'

Hello, James and Richard?

What?

This is my new top speed.

RICHARD: Oh, God,
I thought we were
stuck behind a moped.

I couldn't see. Is this it?

Yes.

JAMES: You're a right dipstick.

Yes.

JAMES: 'And because the road
was so narrow,
we couldn't get past him.'

Uh-oh!

Steep gradient.

Foot hard down.

Dearie me,
we're in trouble here.

RICHARD: This is ridiculous!
We're hardly moving.

(ENGINE REVS AND THEN STOPS)

No, we've had it.
You're going to have to back up.

-I need a run-up for this bit.
-What?

It won't go up this hill.
You're going to have to back up.

No, this hill has gone on for
about a mile through hairpins.

I'm not reversing back down.

James, could you explain
the situation to him?
I can't go forwards.

I can't back up either.

A, Hammond's in the way,
and B, I can't be bothered.

There's round bends,
this people on bikes. No.

Well, there's only one
thing for it, then.
I have to lose weight.

-(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
-Oh, no.

No! Jeremy, that's not...

You are a complete child,
a petulant child.

You wanted me
to move out of your way.

I am now able
to move out of your way.

Look at this. Yes!

This lorry is now
scampering up these hills.

Right. Well...

One, two...

'Stopping to mend my tailgate
allowed the others to catch up,

'and when they did,
they weren't in the
best of moods.'

I've got a new handle
for you on the CB.
It's called Selfish (BLEEP).

JEREMY: 'And things didn't
improve a few miles later

'when the hill route
I'd selected went a bit wrong.'

JAMES: Your road is sort of
not a road, is it?
Let's be honest.

Clarkson, you are a...

JEREMY: It's not really a road
here at all. We've got a ford.

Here we go, into the water.

Lots of wheel spin,
sliding badly.

Oh, yes.

The sports lorry is clear,
it's through.

It's time for the smug face.

'Mr Slowly went next
in his van.'

That's quite clunky.

It's... There's something stuck
there, I can feel it.

We'll break the front axle off.

'Hammond immediately rushed
to May's aid.'

Ramming.

JAMES: Stop!

'James then tried
to winch himself off

'using Hammond's truck
as a ground anchor.'

Ted Nugent and George Michael
are helping one another out.

'After this failed,
I tried to tow him clear.'

Three, two, one, now.

'But that didn't work either.'

JAMES: Stop!

'He then decided to use his
crane, which immediately broke.

'He really was stuck,
so we were forced
to take drastic action.'

Hammond and I have had
a bit of a chat and we are...

Well, we're leaving him.

He has bought a van
that has no traction at all,

no ability to work off road

and now no hydraulics
so none of his tools work.

You've got to be ruthless
in these circumstances.

With his crane, he was useful.

Without it,
he's just another mouth to feed.

JEREMY: 'I settled in for
another stint with the world's
most cooperative gearbox.'

Oh, bollocks, missed again.

Nothing there.
Nothing there, there it is.

'I knew, on these twisting
roads, life was even worse
for Hammond.'

This is really annoying.

'Still, at least I was moving.'

JAMES: The situation report.

I've been rescued by
a very helpful local man
with his truck.

I still don't know his name.
He's lent me this arc welder

to repair the shaft
that drives the pump that
makes the crane work.

'With that done, my fellow
knight of the road

'towed me back to
firmer ground.'

And then we're free.

I must remember to say a
thousand chei-zu-boos
to this man.

RICHARD: 'Miles ahead,
in the advance party, we were
really starting to climb.'

Oh-ho-ho!

Wow!

'The views were stunning.

'And at the top of the hill,
we pulled over
for a bit of a look.'

JEREMY: You know we always say
that Italy is God's race track,

Canada is his pantry,
Germany is his workshop?

That's his garden.

RICHARD: Absolutely staggering.

'Captain Traction would have
enjoyed this view very much,
however...'

Bollocks.

(ENGINE STRUGGLES)

The local bloke with a digger is
giving me a little leg up there.

(HE TOOTS HORN)

It's great, isn't it?
This must be
Buddhism in action.

I might convert.

From whatever I already am.

JEREMY: 'Very, very far ahead,
Hammond and I finally
found the road

'we should have been on
in the first place.'

Put it in top gear.

There it is. Oh, yeah.

That sounds terrible.

It's like being back in Spain.
Nothing on it.

'Regrouped, we continued
onwards.

'Our destination,
Burma's brand-new capital city,
Naypyidaw.'

'Here, the producers
had once again lined up
a hovel for us to stay in.

'But we were hot, filthy
and worn out.

'So we ignored them and headed
for the best hotel in town.'

JAMES: A flushing lavatory.

Oh, rest my weary head.

Having first filled it with gin.

Oh, listen to that rain.

It'll be like the shower
or something. 30 seconds.

'Our only problem
was that two of us

'weren't exactly dressed
for a place like this.'

Let me do the talking.

-Good evening, sir.
-Evening, sir.

(HE CLEARS THROAT)

Three rooms, please.

Sorry, no more rooms, sir.

Fully booked.

Sorry, sir.

(THUNDERCLAPS)

JEREMY: 'The next morning
after another dreadful night,

'we decided enough was enough
and agreed we should
modify our lorries

'to make them more suitable
for our travels through Burma.

'So we found a workshop,
hired some local help,

'toiled through the night,

'and the next morning
the job was done.'

Every modification I have made

is inspired by my desire not to
run over any of the locals.

So it has, for example,
Buddha looking down,

a lucky elephant, the lucky owl
which is very important,

it has better mirrors,
better lights and it is wearing
a high visibility jacket.

-Yes, as are you. What is
the boiler in the back?
-That...

-Are you brewing beer?
-What? No, sadly.

It's the water tank for
the brake cooling system.

-What, like racing lorries have?
-Exactly like that.

It sprays.
I've got a little switch.

It sprays water on the drums,
makes them more efficient
downhill.

-I didn't think of that.
-No.

-What's the box?
-Air conditioning.

-What's that got to
do with safety?
-Keeps me alert.

-Does it?
-Yes.

And keeps him alert as well.

-Because he'll want to break it.
-Yes.

'Jeremy then showed us
his work.'

Why would you not have a
convertible lorry.

- Cos it's raining.
-Look at it!

-It's... It's quite good
actually. Smashing.
-It's very good.

Shelby striping.
Sports badging on the side.

Living accommodation
on the back.

-This is fashioned from
lead and rhodium.
-Is it?

Yes, for extra weight
to improve my ride. Come back.

Simple, crisp
accommodation inside,

Shelby bedding and
ebony wood floor.

More weight. Come on!

It looks brilliant.

JAMES: 'As, it must be said,
did Hammond's.'

-JEREMY: Hammond,
you've got white walls!
-Oh, yeah, yeah!

The ugly duckling has
become a swan.

-Wow!
-Yeah!

Check out my stacks.

-Please don't tell me
they're exhausts.
-Yeah. Both sides.

-What, actually func...
They are.
-Yeah, there's a T-junction.

Hang on, you've made it
even taller.

I have. It's bigger, isn't it?

It's better. But, come round
the back, this... Honestly.

-He did a little skip then.
He's very excited.
-He did a skip.

I am very, very...

What I have here, this is the
bathroom area. Shower.

-It's got a shower.
-Where's the water come from?

-Ha-ha!
-Ha-ha yourself.

There is, up the top,
a reservoir. About so big.

On my viewing gallery.

-Hammond, it's a bucket.
-It's... It's a bucket.

It's a remote reservoir.

And that is, right now,

collecting beautiful crisp,
clean, fresh, invigorating
rainwater.

This is the kitchen area with
lino to reflect that.

- What's that?
-Over there is a wardrobe.

There is a hammock with
mosquito net built-in.
Drinks globe on the right.

JEREMY: 'And Hammond
wasn't finished.'

From up here, on a sunny
evening, I can sit here as the
sun goes down,

gaze at the stars and enjoy
a drink from my drinks globe.

-Do you take visitors?
-Yeah.

I think he's going to have to
because something
has just occurred to me.

-What?
-You haven't got any
living accommodation.

That's a very good point.
You've forgotten it, you idiot!

No, I haven't.

-Well, you have.
-Are you sleeping in the cab?

-Because it's not going
to be comparable.
-Let's... Let's see.

JEREMY: 'Before we set off,
I gave the chaps some presents.'

You bought us a teddy bear?

-No, that's for me.
-Is it?

-Yeah, that's my
bonnet ornament.
-Are you feeling lonely?

-It's your what?
-Bonnet ornament for weight.

It's the heaviest teddy bear
in Burma.

'I'd got Hammond
a bonnet ornament too.'

Wow, that's beautiful.

I know you don't have a clock
so you'll have it on the bonnet,

-you'll be able to
tell the time.
-Oh, it really is...

It's a high-quality gift.

Oh, fantastic! Thank you.

I've always wanted
a Shuanglin hammer.

It's from my own
personal collection.

'Having christened my
bear Rudyard,

'and attached him to
the sports lorry, we set off.'

Oh, this feels better already.

Oh, hang on.

Richard Hammond is doing
a remake of
The Poseidon Adventure.

'We had many miles to cover

'but first we had to get through
Naypyidaw's morning rush hour.'

This rush hour traffic is
not as bad as I thought.

'The roads were completely
empty. And massive.'

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight.

Yep, 16 lanes now.

(HE LAUGHS)

Wait, it's gone bigger.

Five, six, seven, eight,
nine, ten. 20.

It's 20 lanes now.

'This may look stupid
and pointless,
but actually it really isn't.'

The problem with most cities
is that the growth comes

and the city simply
can't accommodate it.

That happened in London, Rome,
Paris, Bangkok, everywhere.

That is not going to
happen here.

I think this must be the
first city built entirely in
anticipation of the future.

JEREMY: 'But the future
hasn't arrived yet.

'So, for now, the whole place is
almost completely deserted.

'Even here, in the shadow
of the parliament building,

'we were able to have
a game of football
in the middle of the road.'

Officer.

It's the Burmese police
versus Top Gear.

-Oh, no.
-Rush hour, game over.

Look at it, traffic.

'Really though,
it was too wet for football.

'So, much to Hammond's
annoyance, we organised
a city centre drag race.'

(ENGINES REV)

This doesn't seem fair.

I've got the same 6.4 litre
Isuzu straight-six diesel

as Jeremy's and
probably James's,

but the lumber bus is bigger.

We're not going to cover
ourselves in glory here,
old girl.

(HE COUNTS DOWN)

-Disastrous start.
-There it is!

This is going to hurt, we're
going to have to rev you hard.

-Sports truck is gaining.
-Gaining.

-Gaining.
-Gaining, gaining.

No!

115km an hour.

-Come on!
-Yes!

Oh, victory is sweet.

Second place.
But I have got a crane.

Must brake, must brake.

Oh, got a football under
the brake pedal. That's bad.

Hammond, have you finished yet?

Still going.

JEREMY: 'After Hammond had
lumbered across the line,
we headed out of Naypyidaw

'and soon we started
to discover some flaws
with our modifications.'

Oh, my... No...no, wait.

I'm speaking to you now
from underneath
my businessman's umbrella.

It has taken the water
about 15 minutes
to fathom it out

but it's in here now
and it's in in great quantities.

Oh, I can hear my exhaust
hitting a tree.

Hammond, you're doing the
council out of a job, mate.

It's like I'm driving through
the aftermath of a hurricane.

Let's rename him
Pruning Peacock.

(JEREMY LAUGHS)

'Soon, though,
James was punished for mocking.'

Captain Workmanship.

It's a radiator hose.
It's not a bit I've touched.

Well, we have a tradition.

Oh, no, how am I going to
do it without them!

JEREMY: 'Leaving James
to deliver an
interesting lecture...'

If you're watching this
from an engineering workshop
or technical college,

this is not the correct tool
for the job.

'...we continued on our way.'

I think a lot of the fumes
are coming into the cab
from under my new stack.

Not all of my improvements have
turned out to be improvements.

(GLASS SMASHES)

The simple tradition of
the British dustman,

putting a teddy bear
on the front of a lorry,

is bringing joy
to the children of Burma.

They love Rudyard!

'By mid-afternoon
we were all reunited

'and James took advantage of my
mobile maintenance service.'

This isn't perilous at all!

Oh, it's about
three or four inches.

Too far.

(LAUGHTER)

'Soon, the road started to
climb, and as night fell,

'I turned on the roof lights
that I'd fitted myself.'

Oh, yes!

(THE GREAT GIG IN THE SKY
BY PINK FLOYD PLAYING)

I'm driving a Pink Floyd gig
right now.

I love this! The noise, the
chaos, the heat...

(CLANGING)

I think I might have just lost
one of my...

Yeah, I did. I lost a stack.

I've got to carry on.

I'm just going to
pretend I didn't.

'Meanwhile, in the darkness,
James was coming over
all Buddhist.'

Hang on, I've got a personal
dog escort here.

Shift your ass, dog.

(HORN HONKS)

Oh, God, give me strength!

I think that dog was inhabited
by a benign spirit.

Seriously, if that dog
hadn't done that,

I'd have gone onto the bridge
and I'd have hit the bus.

'Sadly, Buddhist dog wasn't
around when five miles later,

'I had another breakdown.'

That's what came off.
That's the old one,
which tore itself to shreds

and in the process,
pulled the wire out
of the sender

for the temperature gauge,
so I don't have that any more.

This lorry is crap.

JEREMY: 'Up ahead, Richard and I
were looking forward

'to a night in our new
on-board accommodation.

'But thanks to the British
Empire, we didn't need it.'

'After a night here,

'4,000 feet up a mountain
in a small village
in the middle of Burma,

'at this strangely odd but
comfortable Bournemouth hotel,

'we were feeling refreshed.

'And with Hammond leading,

''we were out of the village
in a mere couple of hours.'

Hang on, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, God...

Go slowly. OK?

Oh, thank you.

Keep going, hang on...

JAMES: Are we going to spend
the whole day tiptoeing
under telephone wires?

No, because you'll
break down eventually.

OK, there's going to be
a motorcyclist coming past you.

Check out his helmet.

RICHARD: That's quite
a strong statement.

JEREMY: 'After a quick
map check,

'I decided we should take
a tempting-looking short cut.'

Right, follow me.

'Which went well.'

Oh, dear God...

Any other adventures lined up on
your short cut, Jeremy?

Landslides, or avalanche?

It's just a tropical mountain
shower. Gone in a jiffy.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Or maybe not.

No, this looks pretty terrible.

'Eventually, my scenic route
brought us to a remote
settlement,

'that was very much
off the grid.'

Good thing is in this little
town there'll be no low wires.

'Instead, there was
something worse.'

RICHARD: Oh, no!

Oh, no. Oh, this is bad.

I'm stuck, I'm stuck.

Hang on, I'll park up
and come back on foot. Stand by.

JEREMY: 'Bored with Hammond's
chimney-related problems,

'I went on an explore.

'And found some locals
playing something that
was nearly football.'

This is a brilliant idea.
They're using a monk
as a referee.

And he's smoking.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(APPLAUSE)

RICHARD: 'Back at the bridge,
the villagers had
broken out their tool box.'

Really? If you're sure.

OK.

Move the entire sign.

I wouldn't be this helpful.

We know that.

JEREMY: 'Meanwhile,
I'd stumbled on a scene from
an Indiana Jones movie.'

There's thousands of them!

(MAN SPEAKS IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

-That's "Hurry up. It's heavy."
-Oh, right. OK...

How we doing?
James, I can't see.

JAMES: Yeah...

-MAN: OK!
-Yes.

You through? Yay!

JEREMY: 'With the town
behind us, progress was good.

'And then it wasn't.'

My fuel gauge is
just on the top of the red.

Um... I don't have one.

What I do have is the same
engine as you

but a much heavier truck,
so I must have used more.

JEREMY: 'And out here
on my short cut,

'there were no filling stations
at all.'

The needle is now

nearly all in the red.

Trying to use the tiniest
throttle movements,

just to keep it ticking along.

'In the next village,
James and I decided to pull over

'and dip our tanks.'

-I've got no fuel.
-None?

A smear on the end of the stick.

What's the news?

None. I mean, it's dry,
I don't know what
I'm running on.

If you actually run a diesel out
you've got to bleed the system,
haven't you?

-And it's hours.
-BOTH: Yeah.

Well, look, why don't you
just go and snout
around the village

and see if you can find some?

-Why me?
-You're the youngest
and fittest.

Well, it's your fault
we're in this situation.

But I'm old and hot.

It's your short cut. Seriously.
If anybody's got to go,
it's you, mate.

Right, right, I'll go.

-Fuel. Diesel.
-And as much as you can.

Yes.

What is Burmese for "diesel"?

-How do you mime "diesel"?
-Mime a lorry.

Brrr... And then do that.

Right, so I'm a butler with
Parkinson's, and I've got a gun.

RICHARD: 'Jeremy headed off.

'And was gone for
quite some time.'

Still quite hot, that.

-Done the oil.
-Have you?

Are you reading
Bridge On The River Kwai?

-Yeah, he's just gone
into the hut...
-JEREMY: Bad news.

-What?
-Bad news.

-What?
-I haven't been able
to get any diesel.

'However, I had come up
with a clever alternative.'

No, you halfwit.

There's no diesel
in this village.

But there is diesel
in the next village.

So we use the horses
to ride to the next village,

get the diesel,
bring it back to the trucks.

We're not in a Western.

-I can't ride a horse.
-What?

Well, I might have been
pony trekking when
I was eight, but...

Well, it'll be in there,
won't it?

Well, I wouldn't use
that one there.

Holy moly!

Why do they have
five legs in Burma?

Maybe so it can milk itself?

Shall we spend all day
looking at a horse's willy,
or shall we go?!

Oh, it's gone wrong...

'Being the most
experienced horseman,

'I took the frisky
five-legged stallion.'

We're on.

Oh, Christ almighty!

Hello, horse.

I shall call you Tesco.

Ready, steady, go.

Well, I've bought a stalled
horse. It's going backwards.

I've bought a reversing horse.

I think if we get moving,
yours might follow more readily.

James, can you turn right
and go up there? Turn around.

-How do you make it turn around?
-Anybody know how to start
a Burmese horse?

Go on, follow your mate.
Yes. Very good.

-The controls are reversed...
-I'm off!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah!

(A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS
BY ENNIO MORRICONE PLAYING)

'Soon, James was getting a taste
'of what the ride was like
in my sports lorry.'

My nadgers are getting
a pummelling.

Ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, ow...

Look at the anal action
going on here.

My horse is going up
your one's bottom.

Oh, Christ, we've had an
accident. You go ahead.

I'm terrified!

My nads are killing me!

-(HORSE GRUNTS)
-Oh, stop that,
please don't fight!

-Walk on.
-I'll stop calling you Tesco
if you promise not to fight.

Go! Walk.

There you go.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

-Oh, God above!
-Not much further now, James.

Jesus! I mean, Buddha!

JEREMY: 'A few hundred yards
further on,

'Richard's stallion decided to
get amorous with James's mare.'

-(HORSE WHINNIES)
-Ooh! (BLEEP)...

(HORSE WHINNIES)

Oh! (BLEEP)...

Has he gone?

-What happened?
-It reared and mounted that.
Don't get kicked.

JEREMY: 'Things quickly
went to pot.'

This is the doctor,
going to attend to Richard

but the van is stuck.

I've just dismounted
my reversing horse,

and actually genuinely
have hurt my testes.

Oh! I can see why
they should be glue,
these things.

'Richard was diagnosed
with a suspected broken wrist

'and went on a four-hour journey
to the nearest hospital.

'So I walked my horse
to the next village to get fuel,

'and then, we found a spot
to camp for the night.'

(HE SIGHS)

'Here, while I enjoyed the view,

'James unveiled
his sleeping accommodation.

'A mountaineering tent he could
suspend from his crane.'

So I'm going to rest it
against the front of the cab.

Cos all these bitey ants,
they don't get in your tent
and eat you.

JEREMY: 'It may have been
insect-proof...

'...but soundproof? No.'

(SNORING)

I want to go to bed.

But I can't, with that racket
going on. Listen to it.

(SNORING)

'The next morning I discovered
that Hammond was back.'

So that's just a sprain?

Yep. Not bust. Nothing exciting.

So what is it you have to do,
basically steering...

-Yeah, be all right.
-You just have to...

-Yeah. Still do that.
-Right.

And how was sleeping
in your lorry?

-Um, not bad. What about yours?
-Fine.

Where did James sleep in the
end, what's he done?

Oh, he's got some stupid
high-tech mountaineering tent
on his crane.

Why is it up there?

(JEREMY LAUGHS)

Well... You know his snoring?

Yeah...

Quite loud. So I moved him
a bit further away.

Jesus...

Clarkson!

-What?
-Funny.

-Very funny.
-Yes.

I don't like heights,
I don't like camping...

I don't like snoring.

Anyway, shall we get on?

'After Pinky and Perky
had winched me down,

'we set off on our seventh day
of long-distance lorry driving.'

I'm still staggered that
they put diesel in my truck.

I mean, that's a
generous gesture.
Assuming it is diesel.

Oh, no.

Hammond... What's happened?

I've lost my other stack.

Well, as you know,
we're not the US Marines,
we leave a man behind.

Yeah, too hot.

Er, right...

It's covered in ants...
Oh, it's an ants' nest!

That's a mistake. Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

JEREMY: 'This, then,
looked like it was going to be

'another day of calamities
and mishaps.

'But actually, here,
in this part of Burma,

'we had to get
properly serious.'

Today is a big day for us,
because we are headed
for the Shan.

Top Gear's been to a lot of
remote places over the years

but we've never been anywhere
quite like this.

The Shan is to Burma
what Scotland is to Britain,

it's a part of it,
and yet it's separate.

We know there's been
a civil war in there,

we understand there's
a cease-fire at the moment...

Only a handful of Westerners
have ever been there,

and certainly, no TV show
has ever been allowed in.

We are the first ever.

All of the people who've
been fighting are
coming together tonight

to welcome us
here to the Shan State.

(CHEERING)

Who's got any whisky?
Got any Scotch?

(BLEEP) second gear failed
and now the engine has (BLEEP).

Hammond, you idiot!
You've reversed into
the sports lorry!

-"Work on the bridge
starts at 0500"?
-What?

-Get in!
-Get in.