Original subtitles

(woman) neil? Neil!

Yes, honey?

Neil degrasse tyson, I asked you

To take the dog out for a walk

When I left the house four hours ago.

Now I come back,

And this little mother[bleep] sputnik

Has done pissed on my drapes.

Now I've got to get rid of those things

And get new ones.

Neil, it doesn't make any sense.

You are an astrophysicist.

How can you not keep track of little details like this?

Well, actually,

It's the little details

That cannot be kept track of, by definition.

In 1927, a german university lecturer

Named werner heisenberg

Came to a seemingly paradoxical conclusion,

That the more we know about the position

Of a particle in physical space,

The less we know about its momentum, and vice versa.

Okay, but what-- what does that have to do--

Taken in conjunction with what we know

About the expansion of the universe,

This brings us to a fascinating possibility,

That maybe what we experience as one point in time-space

Could actually be a legion of points,

Which would mean that your curtains

And little sputnik's pee-pee

Could be as distant from one another

As we are from the furthest galaxy.

Okay.

Well, just... Next time.

Of course, dear.

[haunting western music]

♪ ♪

At some point, man, I got to, like,

Slip some--some--some weed into, like,

Some of your cookies or something,

And just, like, get you high, man.

Yeah, that would not be

The worst thing that ever happened.

That might be fun.

[sinister laugh] also ecstasy.

- I don't know about all that. - Heroin.

Maybe I'll have a little marijuana.

Laced with acid.

No, thank you.

Welcome to the team, mr. Wise.

Thank you.

Now, being an arizona assistant state's attorney

Is an important job,

One we take very seriously.

In fact, we are willing to do anything to win.

It's my honor, sir.

And I look forward to serving the state of arizona.

Are these marbles?

How's that?

I was just admiring your container of marbles.

Why, yes.

My wife got them for me as a gift...

Oh.

For my birthday.

Which brings me to a speech

I like to give anyone on their first day

Here at the state's attorney office

Of arizona.

You see... Lady justice

Is a committed woman.

She's a slippery little scallop,

As you can observe...

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

She doesn't cook, doesn't clean,

But what she does do, is she'll turn a blind eye...

♪ ♪

What is going on?

What?

What are you doing?

Oh, uh...

I don't--

The marbles, they're just--

I got to tell you, they're just so beautiful.

I was wondering what it would feel like

To--in my mouth.

Like, what would the marbles feel like

If they were in my mouth?

[laughs] that's...You know.

What?

Just, you know...You know.

Like, just what would it feel like

If there were just kind of a whole ton of marbles

In my--in my face.

Well, don't do that.

Just...

Just don't do that.

Yeah, yeah, of course, of course.

What am I doing over here?

I mean, that's a thing that a child would do, it is.

You were saying?

I was saying that lady justice,

She just stands there in my office,

Looking at me.

♪ ♪

Hey!

Forget the marbles, boy!

Spit the marbles out, please.

There you go.

[marbles clacking]

Well...

All right.

Ah--

[marble clacks]

How many--really?

Do you have any--

[marble rolling]

[stomps]

I'm gonna wait for the last--

I'm assuming there's--

Yeah.

I know there's another one in there.

- Nope. - All right.

I am so--I'm--they're just so beautiful.

I can't-- it's just these marbles.

I got to tell you.

You obviously don't take this job very seriously.

I do, sir.

It's just these particular marbles.

I just needed to feel

What they felt like in my mouth.

I don't know what is wrong with me.

You know we do serious business here, right?

Yes, I do know that.

I'm 100% aware of that.

'cause I've forgotten where I was.

You were saying that justice

Is a dumb, blind, old lady. I heard every word.

Yes--no!

She's not dumb.

But she is blind.

She's reminiscent of kerry washington

In her prime.

♪ ♪

Good god.

[muffled shouting]

[muffled yelping]

[muffled shouting]

[coughing]

[choking]

[muffled groaning]

[choking]

[marbles clattering]

[atmospheric choral music]

♪ ♪

[intercom beeps]

Janice, send in the cleanup crew.

Another one fell for the marble trick.

[chuckling]

[humming]

(man) oh, man, I feel like crap.

I just came from a trashy indian restaurant

In a strip mall.

Not bad food, though.

Got pretty lucky.

Got the hottest, baddest curry

I ever ate in my life.

Place called naan sense, indian joint,

Just, like, terminal 3.

It's like, I'm going

To my brother's wedding on Sunday, and it's like,

I don't even want to go.

I don't even like my brother.

My brother's, like, a jerk.

Don't like his wife.

She's, like, a bitch.

[rumbling]

I stayed with them for, like, three weeks.

She was a bitch to me, man.

I put my feet on her coffee table.

She was like, "don't get your feet on my coffee--"

I'm like, "who are you?"

[demonic growling]

[rumbling] scrimps.

A ginger broad, man, like...

[rumbling] scrimps.

Those are the worst people on the planet.

So I said that to him.

I said that to him in the parking lot.

I cornered him a little bit, sure.

(demonic voice) scrimps.

He swung on me.

Can you believe that?

It's like, who sings on their own brother, man?

Yeah, I swung back...

[demonic growling]

But that's cool, you know.

It's like, I haven't seen him for a while,

But now I got this expensive wedding I have to go to.

So it's crazy.

I got to get my tickets,

And that's a whole situation.

I hate doing that.

And--hold on a second.

Hey, hey, pal pal.

Start on the downstairs bits.

I'm in the middle of a conversation up here.

[rumbling]

- Hey. - Of course, of course.

Whatever you say.

Thank you.

Sorry about that.

Just have a little guy here

Working on my suit...

(demonic voice) from the eternal, from within.

You know, I mean, there's always chicks at the wedding, right?

There is a guy in there.

- The answer is yes. - [muttering nervously]

And hopefully, you know, I can get, like,

Two down in one evening, you know?

[exhales]

And speaking of "two down in one evening,"

If they've got popcorn shrimp and little lobster rolls,

I'm a happy man.

But they're not going to have that...

(demonic voice) stop!

Who goes there?

Sal.

My name is sal.

(demonic voice) sal...The end is near.

What?

Why--what-- [stammering]

What do you mean?

(demonic voice) everything is changing.

What do you mean?

(demonic voice) the end is near, sal.

No, I don't know what you mean.

What do you mean?

I don't want to die!

(demonic voice) there's nothing you can do.

The end is near.

Everything is changing.

From the eternal, from within.

No, I don't want to die!

What do you mean?

(demonic voice) the end is near.

(sal) what?

[squeaky fart]

Sorry about that, man.

Of course.

[bell chimes]

Change is coming.

[bell chimes]

The craziest part of all of this,

I actually am on acid right now.

Are you right now?

- Yeah. - Wow.

Like, for instance, I don't even--

I'm 90% sure you're here.

[laughs]

But if I shut my eyes and you weren't,

I would not be surprised.

You would not be surprised

If this car just kind of lifted off in the air

And just started driving through space

With a rainbow trail.

- Mm-hmm. - You would not be surprised.

Hey, none of this is real, man.

None of this is real, okay?

Just surface--

[screaming]

- Yo. - What's up?

Game of thrones, though, dog.

Yo, you all caught up?

Yo, I totally binge-watched

That whole thing last night, dog.

Yo, it's cold-blooded up in westeros, dog.

They killed my [bleep] ned!

Ned starks?

[hums game of thrones theme song]

You ain't see that one coming, did you?

- Oh, [bleep], hell no. - Uh-uh.

- Oh, my god. - Uh-uh.

I mean, my man was just there, right?

And he got down there on the thing.

- Like blip. - [makes sword noise]

And then I was like, "I ain't worried.

They ain't gonna kill my boy ned starks!"

- Slit. - And then plop.

I was like...

[screaming]

Yo, I told you they cold-blooded up in there.

And then I was like, "but that's okay,

Because I still got my [bleep] khal drogos."

Big dave navarro?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Big dave navarro?

Widdly-widdly-widdly widdly-wow!

Yeah, that dude picked up some molten gold,

Poured it on [bleep] heads.

[screaming]

"I want to sleep with my sister!"

Yo.

And he killed him, right?

I mean, he big like hercules and everything.

I'm like, you can't kill khal drogos

With a paper cut.

An infected scratch up on there?

An infected scratch!

- But he got straight... (both) killed!

Yo, but you know who my favorite character is, dog?

Who's that, dog?

Pssst! Khaleesies.

Khaleesi.

You know I be liking some khaleesies, dog.

But what about khaleesies

Straight-up with the dragons?

Oh, it's--

Khaleesies with the dragons.

And khaleesi's all like this.

And then we talking about-- [screeching]

[screeching]

[both screeching]

Whoosh!

Just straight roasting goats!

Yo!

Oh, my god.

And that's when they start

Killing characters left and right, dog!

- At the wedding? - Yo, at the wedding!

- Robb starks. - What?

- His wife. - What?

- They got his mama! - Yo!

(both) killed, killed, killed, killed!

That was a four-for-one, dog.

Four-for-one up there, dog.

That's a straight four-for-one, dog.

Four-for-one up in there.

What about when they got wildlings girl?

Talking about...

"you know nothing, jon snow."

- Screek! - Guh!

(both) killed!

What about the hound, though?

- Yo! - The hound!

"ah, I'm falling down the hill!"

[indistinct shouting]

[humming]

"kill me!

You've got to kill me!"

[high-pitched] "no!"

(both) killed!

Slowly, by omission.

Bingo.

Yo, what about my man taiwan lannisters?

Taiwan lannisters.

Taiwan lannisters!

What about taiwan lannisters, dog?

Yo, my man talking about,

"I'm taking a [bleep]."

He's like--ow!

(both) killed!

By his own son.

What?

Da dinkles.

[gasps]

Da dinkles.

Da dinkles, yo.

Da dinkles.

Da dinkles!

Dinkles is my jam.

Can't nobody kill da dinkles!

Da dinkles is my jam, my jelly,

My peanut butter, and my peanuts.

- Dinkles. - Da dinkles.

Dinkles, though!

(both) dinkles is my [bleep]!

[voices fading]

[dramatic music]

(woman) neil!

There you are.

What are you doing?

We have to go to my aunt nelly's funeral.

How are you not ready?

I've been talking to you about this all week.

How am I gonna find you in your boxers

Looking in a science magazine?

[sighs]

I swear, neil,

Sometimes I think

You don't have any idea of what's important.

Well...Actually...

An idea of what's important

Is as close as we can ever come

To any definition of importance.

Our galaxy is one

Of over 100 billion in the observable universe,

And it's 100,000 light-years across,

Which means it would take light 100,000 years to traverse.

Okay, but--

But that's just space.

If we were to chart the history of the universe

On one calendar year,

The history of mankind as we know it,

Would just take place

In the final second of that year.

So, whether I'm ready now or in 500 years,

Well, cosmically speaking,

The distinction is meaningless.

Well...Okay.

I'm--I'm going now.

Good-bye, honey.

True story.

I went down to san francisco with my girlfriend.

Brup-brup-brup.

And we were going to an event,

And bill nye the science guy...

[gasps] was there?

No joke.

Bill nye hit on my girlfriend

In front of my face.

Did he really?

Bill nye the science guy...

You need the back the [bleep] up.

Dude, pussy hound, man.

That guy has laid down pipe.

Probably polycarbonate pipe.

Probably.

[chatter on tv]

[phone ringing]

Hello, this is gavin.

(colin) hi, gavin, my name is colin valenti.

I'm calling from master travel incorporated

To tell you about an exciting limited-time offer,

Exclusive las vegas getaway.

Can I have a few moments of your time

To tell you about this new package?

You know what, I would love to,

But I just don't have the time.

[phone beeps]

Hello?

Hello?

[disconnect tone]

Hm.

[touch tones beeping]

[line trilling]

[phone ringing]

(colin) this is colin valenti, master travel incorporated.

How may I be of service?

Hi, colin valenti.

My name is gavin.

I think we just talked.

Did we get disconnected?

(colin) yeah, no--I mean, yeah, I hung up on you.

Why would you do that?

I mean, are you even--

Are you even allowed to do that?

(colin) were you going to buy the las vegas package?

Well, I mean, probably not, but that's not the point.

(gavin) the point is--

[phone beeps]

What the hell?

[touch tones beeping]

[line trilling]

(colin) this is colin--

Yeah, valenti. Listen.

(gavin) I don't know what crawled up your ass

And set up shop there, but you don't get to hang up--

[phone beeps] [gasps]

What?

Oh, my g--

[line trilling]

[phone ringing]

(colin) what the [bleep] do you want?

What is your deal, huh?

(colin) um, you don't want the vegas package,

So I don't want to talk.

I did us a favor, wasting our time here.

(gavin) stop, stop, don't you dare

Hang up that [bleep] phone, okay?

(colin) why shouldn't I?

Why shou--

What if I wanted the vegas package?

Wha--you know what?

I want the vegas package.

(colin) sure you do.

[phone beeps]

What?

You mother[bleep]!

Oh, my god!

You son of a bitch.

[line trilling]

(colin) come on, man, let it go.

[bleep] you, man!

[bleep] you!

I want five [bleep] packages!

Right now--you know what?

(gavin) you know what? Where's my wallet?

This is my credit card number, right here.

Okay, listen.

Get [bleep] off me.

My credit card number is 0074-5403-0098.

The expiration date is 12-20!

And then--and then the-- oh, yeah!

The security number is 084!

So run the damn card right now!

Right [bleep] now!

You run it right [bleep] now, asshole!

[suspenseful music]

(colin) thank you for your business.

Well, I hope you learned your le--

[phone beeps] [gasps]

[screaming]

These new call scripts are really great.

Yeah, I know, right?

[phone rings]

What the [bleep] do you want, kathy?

(woman) neil!

Who is she?

Who is the white bitch

That left this goddamn lipstick stain

On your collar?

Hmm?

Oh, I got you.

You're caught,

Because this is apricot-colored,

And you know who wears that?

White bitches.

And you can't talk your way out of this one,

'cause I'm not getting confused today,

'cause I got my [bleep] in order

And I've done my research.

Okay, neil?

You see, we are here at this point in space-time,

On a human scale.

But at this point,

You a triflin'-ass mother[bleep].

So expect the papers from the lawyer,

'cause we're parting ways.

Well, actually...

No, no.

We are always parting ways and not parting ways

In every conceivable combination.

Many physicists, including stephen hawking,

Now believe that there is

An infinite number of universes.

It's called multiverse theory,

And it suggests that there are an infinite number of universes

In which I didn't have sex with that white woman.

I [bleep] bill nye the science guy.

You bitch.

Bill nye, little bitch.

Looking like a pimple

That I'm about to itch.

Scratch off your head, mother[bleep].

[voice cracking] try and take my girl?

You a sucker.

(keegan-michael) none of this is real.

(jordan) oh...[bleep]!

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah.

His dick was as big as the milky way.

You [bleep] bitch.

And as heavy as a quasar.

You are a black hole,

Sucking up every man you meet.