Original subtitles

(male announcer) joey blunts in the m-m-m-morning.

Yo, joey blunts here, 101.2

[all talking at once]

Yo, hey, everybody, man.

We still tripping on that last--

[all talking at once]

- That was crazy! - Wardrobe malfunction.

[laughs]

Y'all are crazy. I can't tell you no more.

Like, all dirty, but she's crazy.

- Would you do that, meatball? - Look, man...

I grew up in the hood, all right?

So no.

[laughter]

No, he would want to, but he can't do it

'cause of that fat ass.

[laughs]

Why y'all always clowning on meatball?

Meatball!

You brought it up.

For real, though.

You're a lesser person.

Y'all you two got to stop playing.

Meatball!

Lady j with me here, meatball.

Meatball.

This the top of the hour. I'm joey blunts.

We'll be right back.

- Meatball. - Whoo!

[indistinct talking over radio]

(man) and back from commercial.

(announcer) kbeat 101.3.

[all screaming]

Meatball, meatball!

[haunting western music]

♪ ♪

So, dude, I swear to god, man.

Stewardesses are looking hot to me.

I don't care how old,

What shape.

I'm just like, let's--

- Let's go. - Let's go.

- Let's go. - I'll meet you at the toilet.

Bring me an advil and some ginger ale.

[laughs]

[woman's voice] can I get you anything else?

[normal voice] yeah, you can.

One time, I had, like, a sinus infection

When the plane was coming down,

And, [bleep], my girl was just like,

"I know. I know. I'm so sorry."

She was like, "I know.

Oh, I'm so sorry."

[moaning]

Okay, all right.

(mark) he's disgusting.

Bernard? He's disgusting.

He's not even like her.

He's an airplane technician. I mean, come on.

And he talks too much. That's why I like you.

You don't talk. You just listen.

- It's good. [bell dings]

Okay.

And the captain has turned on the "fasten seat belt" sign.

Got a little turbulence coming up.

Should be no problem.

Just remain in your seat until the sign is turned off.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Okay.

Excuse me. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Hi, excuse me.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I'm gonna need you to take your seat.

The "fasten seat belt" sign is on.

Yeah, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom for a second.

I'll be right back, okay?

I understand what you want to do.

Unfortunately, I'm gonna need you

To observe the "fasten seat belt" sign.

That'd be much appreciated.

Right, it's just I read on the internet

That it's not against the law

For me to go to the bathroom

While the "fasten seat belt" sign is on, so...

"seat belt" sign is on.

But is it against the law, though?

The light is on.

[inhales sharply]

Is it against the law?

You see that there's a picture

Of a seat belt on that sign.

I know, but is it against the law, though?

The "fasten seat belt" sign is on.

But is it against the law, though?

- "seat belt" sign is on. - But is it against the law?

- But is it against the law? - "seat belt" sign.

- But is it against the law? - It's on.

- Law. - "seat belt" sign is on.

- Legal. - "seat belt" sign is on.

- Lawful. - "seat belt" sign is on.

- Sir, you're being difficult. - Law.

- You're being very difficult. - Law, law, law.

- Seat belt, seat belt. - Not illegal, not illegal.

- Okay. - Legal.

- Fasten-- - legal.

- Fasten your seat-- - legal.

- Sir. - I have to piss.

And I have to [bleep] in the toilet.

Can you lower your voice?

[whispering] I have to piss, and I have to [bleep].

Okay, lower your intensity.

You're louder than me.

You're yelling in my face.

Sir, you're the one who I think needs to tone it down right now.

You are screaming at me.

[whispering] you're hurting my eardrums.

[mouthing words]

[mouthing words]

That wasn't a word.

You're not saying a word there.

This is a word.

- That's not-- - that's a word.

That's not a word. That's a tongue trick.

Okay, sir. Sir, sir.

If you would like--

I would not like to.

I would not like to sit down.

What I'd like to do is go take a [bleep] in the bathroom...

Because it's not

Against the law.

So I'm gonna go to the bathroom, okay?

Mark with a k.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[people scream]

[people screaming]

[dramatic choral music]

♪ ♪

[people screaming]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[people screaming]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[exhales deeply]

[bell dings]

And your captain has turned off the "fasten seat belt" sign.

Feel free to move around the cabin.

Thank you for your cooperation.

[dark music]

[whimsical music]

♪ ♪

[blows raspberry]

[coins jingle]

Ding!

♪ ♪

Wow.

♪ ♪

[haunting western music]

Good to see you, old boy.

- Yes. - How was kenya?

I love kenya. Absolutely adore the place.

You know, it's so important

To protect them, you know...

Indeed.

The few untouched tribes left.

- Indeed. - Yes.

And while we're on the subject,

I've got something of a confession to make.

Oh, dear.

While I was down there, I caught the attention

Of a young masai woman.

You didn't.

She took me for an exotic,

Sophisticated superman of sorts

And developed something of a liking to me.

Well, isn't that always the way?

Yes, it is.

And it's quite awful, gerald.

She came down to my hut

Wearing nothing but a fertility headdress

And carrying a husband stick,

And, oh, I had to participate in the customs.

Well, it would be morally irresponsible

If you did not participate in the custom.

You could destroy their entire social structure.

Oh, I felt so terrible about it.

Of course you did, gerald.

- I felt terrible seven times. - Oh, dreadful.

But, you know, gerald, I, too, have a confession.

Do tell.

Remember several years ago when I went to the amazon?

- Yes. - Yes.

Well, I accidentally packed a lighter in my satchel.

Oh, my.

Yes, well, one day, I absent-mindedly lit the flint,

And the entire village took me for a god.

- Oh, no. - Yes.

Every sundown, as I was being fellated

By all the young women of the village,

Which is the local custom,

I felt completely embarrassed by the entire affair.

I can only imagine in some vivid detail,

But you can't deny the local custom.

You absolutely cannot deny the local customs.

(both) you can't deny the local customs.

One thing you must do is adhere to the local customs.

[muttering]

You must adhere to the local customs.

[both muttering]

[muttering] you must adhere to the local customs.

Local customs must not be denied!

It's, oh, the least one can do.

It all reminds me of the time I was in papua new guinea

And I introduced the local tribe to the french term

Ménage à trois.

After that evening, a couple of the local men

Called me "papua."

Oh, dear.

Whoops-a-daisy!

[imitates explosion]

Whoops-a-daisy, indeed.

It's getting harder and harder to protect the local tribes

From the influence of the outside civilizations.

I know exactly what you mean, old boy, exactly,

And I must confess that the last time

I was deep in the bush in australia...

Yes?

I ended up deep in bush in australia.

Boo-yah.

Well, where are you off to now, old boy?

I'm off to tanzania.

Tanzania--make sure that you go during an eclipse,

Because then everyone will want to have sex with you.

(both) mm.

Hmm.

[chuckles]

(both) regrettably.

[both muttering, humming]

[haunting western music]

You think you-- do you think you are a sexist?

Um, uh...

Much to my chagrin, yes, I am.

- You are. - I am.

I try not to be, but I am.

And that's good that you know that.

Oh, yeah.

'cause I'm--if anything, I'm sexist against men.

We sexualize women as soon as possible.

It's the first thing we do.

I took a woman's studies class in college,

And we were in a discussion with the professor--

Ah, you got in a woman's studies class, dog.

No, no, no, jordan.

I know what you're doing, dude.

Yeah.

Get a little extracurriculars.

Oh, my god.

We gots to do-- anybody want to work

On this project at my house afterwards?

That's some nice [bleep], dude.

[haunting western music]

[bright music]

[applause]

What if we told y'all that once a month,

Half the human race is in pain?

And the other half

Don't want to hear [bleep] about it?

- I'm shaboots michaels! - I'm t-ray tombstone!

Welcome to...

(both) menstruation orientation!

Oh, no, you don't.

Now, we know you don't want to hear about it.

But they don't want to have it,

So sit your ass down and listen for once in your life.

Today we're gonna talk to all you men

About what happens to your women when they're on their periods

And why it's important to...

(both) be sensitive to that [bleep].

Don't say "chillax," "relax," "calm down," and "how come?"

Don't say "ass," "fat," "grumpy," or "cranky."

They ain't cranky.

They got blood coming out of their vaginas, y'all!

That's some biblical plague [bleep], y'all!

That would be like once a month

If you had locusts flying out of your dick for a week!

Your ass wouldn't be cranky.

Your ass would be like...

- Oh, [bleep]! [both screaming]

- My dick! [screaming continues]

(both) so be nice to your bitches when they bleeding!

If you ain't getting 'em [bleep]...

Get the [bleep] out they way!

- They got cramps! - They got headaches.

They got weight gain!

And every time they pee,

It's like the shining in the toilet.

- Be supportive. - Be empathetic.

But whatever you do...

(both) do not try to solve it!

Don't even bring that [bleep] up!

When women be hanging out together,

Their periods will sync up.

Vaginas be communicating.

They got their own vagina language.

(both) talking about...

[both speaking gibberish]

If you find yourself around a group of women

And they all have a backache...

(both) back away slowly.

What's that in your pocket there, shaboots?

Recognize this, mother[bleep]?

That ain't space dynamite.

That's a tampon.

Learn what your bitch has to go through.

First, you put this piece in your vagina!

Oop.

Then you push this part into the first piece!

Gweeps

Then you throw this part away!

Do that several times a day for a week

Every goddamn month!

It's the worst thing ever all the time!

It's much worse for them

Than it is for you to hear about it.

And periods is important.

That's how the body gets rid of the old egg

So it can cook up them new ones.

So listen to what's going on with your female

Emotionally and...

(both) get your bitch some chocolate!

Don't call her a bitch, but...

(both) get your bitch some chocolate!

[both singing]

♪ chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate ♪

♪ chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate ♪

♪ chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate ♪

♪ chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate ♪

♪ chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate ♪

♪ chocolate ♪

[haunting western music]

It's weird being in a relationship this long,

When you start to go on, like, double dates

With other couples.

Mm-hmm.

I'll go an entire night and not even realize

That my girlfriend hated this bitch.

Right.

I'll be like, "oh," 'cause there was a whole subplot.

I feel like I've been in that situation before.

I'll tell you, I had one situation

Where there was guy that I ended up--

I'm gonna just be straight-- I'm gonna be straight about it.

I'm like, "this dude seems pretty interested

"in what I do for a living.

I don't give a [bleep]..."

Oh, [bleep].

"about what he does for a living."

Oh, [bleep].

"I don't want to hear actuarial tables."

Calling him off.

[haunting western music]

There's no way that he can win.

No, mm-mm, no.

So, anyway, what did you think of the season finale

Of game of thrones?

- [gasps] - right?

- That was-- - no, no, no.

I'm reading the books.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

And he reads slow.

[laughter]

We can never talk about it.

We're never gonna talk about it.

Okay.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - Uh-huh.

Hey, has anybody seen that new russell crowe thriller?

'cause let me tell--

Ah, ah, ah!

Ah.

Sorry, it's just

We're going tomorrow, and I don't want to know

A thing about it.

Doesn't want to know a thing.

- Got you. Okay, all right. - Sure, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. That is--

How--who won the game?

- I think-- - n-n-n-n-n-n-n.

That--I'm-- I'm gonna watch it later.

- Oh, you're-- - oh, you have a dvr.

- I got it-- - sorry, okay.

Mum's the word.

- Yeah. - So...

- So... - Yeah.

What's the weather gonna be like this--

[squawking]

[dog barking in the distance]

Sorry. It's, uh...

[sighs]

We're having a barbecue this weekend,

And I don't want to stress about the weather.

- No, of course you don't. - We just--yeah.

Yeah. You know, yeah.

[clears throat]

This three-bean casserole is--

[scatting]

I'm so sorry, babe. I just--

- I hadn't tasted them yet. - I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. - Really looking forward to it.

You know?

Don't talk about the ingredients, I know.

It's a surprise for your mouth.

- Yeah. - Really.

Oh, uh...

[laughs]

You know that commercial with--

Okay, never--

Oh.

[laughs]

[laughing] okay.

(woman) never mind.

That's probably best.

- Yeah. - [clears throat]

Oh.

No, it's fine.

- Cheesecake. - [gasps]

- What? - Huh?

We got cheesecake.

- I mean... - Oh, yeah.

No, I'd love some cheesecake.

- Yeah. - Let's do that.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

All right, what the hell?

- Okay, cheesecake. - Cheesecake.

I mean, I've been watching my cholesterol intake,

But what the hell, right?

We're all gonna die someday anyway.

- What? - Honey.

- Wow. - Come on.

Are you kidding me?

You just ruin it every time!

I'll see you at home.

- But wait a second. - So rude!

Now, how would you not know that that was taking place?

[haunting western music]

Father, please hear our prayer for the poor.

Thank you, father. Yes.

We beseech you for the disenfranchised,

The less fortunate, and those that suffer.

Yes.

Show us your will so we can continue

To do your work.

(both) yes.

[overlapping voices] I've come to answer your prayers.

Listen carefully to my instructions.

Oh, god. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I want you to send everything you own...

Immediately in service to the poor.

[bright choral music]

♪ ♪

Just want to clarify. Um...

Everything?

[overlapping voices] yes, rid yourself

Of all earthly possessions.

♪ ♪

Oh, [bleep]! This house is haunted!

[screams]

It's a ghost!

(man) it's a haunted house!

Go, go, go, go, go!

It's insidious.

♪ ♪

[overlapping voices] oh.

I see what they did there.

[haunting western music]

Is there any religion where you literally--

I mean, the ceremony is just, like, five seconds

Once a month.

You hit it, and you're just like...

[chanting oddly]

"I'm good for two months."

That's the other thing. You can stockpile them.

- You can do a bunch in a row. - Do a bunch in a row.

Stockpile them.

Like, if I spent a day just doing...

[chanting oddly]

Never have to do it again.

Done, you're set.

Buddy, you might've worked something out there.

This is how--

I think you could get some followers there.

I think so too.

I'm gonna just keep going to jerk churches

And dancing around and screaming.

I'll do that.

[chanting oddly]

(man) ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah.

Cheers, john o'rourke.

Not bad for an irishman, a dirty irishman.

Dirty irishman. Hey!

[laughs]

He came at me like a goddamn troll.

Or an irishman.

Irishman, troll-- synonymous!