Original subtitles

[all chanting]

Hey, hey, hey, y'all, wait up, hold on.

Hold on. Listen up. Listen up.

- Yeah. - Come on, man.

Y'all ready for this?

(all) yeah!

That's right, y'all.

'cause you know what? We only get one chance.

[all cheering]

Let's leave it all on the field today.

[all cheering]

No doubt. We gon' give 'em something

They can remember.

(all) yeah.

Yeah, let's do this.

Ah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We unstoppable!

Ah. (all) yeah!

But this is what we worked for, y'all.

[all cheering]

It's time to handle our business.

Oh, we're number one up in here.

[all shouting]

We the best of the best, of the best, of the best.

(all) oh!

Don't never let nobody tell you different.

Failure is not an option.

(all) oh!

We gon' show 'em that we're the best that ever was.

[all shouting]

Whoo!

This is our time.

This is our moment.

Nah.

We can't let nobody take this away from us.

[all shouting]

We a team, y'all.

We got to do this together.

[grunting]

Okay. I ain't never had no family like this, y'all.

[grunts]

Y'all's my family.

[grunts]

Y'all my brothers forever.

You know I got your back, y'all!

And I know y'all got mine.

[grunting]

(all) whoa!

We taking this all the way to the super bowl, y'all.

This is our year.

That's right.

This is our destiny.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

What?

[all coughing]

♪ ♪

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Let's keep doing like we been doing all season.

♪ ♪

If we do what we was trained to do...

Can't nobody stop us.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

(on phone) we can do anything we set our minds to.

♪ ♪

[sword hits floor]

♪ ♪

[whimpering]

[timer beeping]

[classical music]

[loud explosion]

Play this game like it's the last game of your lives.

♪ ♪

[haunting western music]

♪ ♪

[whistling]

Hm.

You know, let me ask you a question.

Sure.

When you fart...

Mm-hmm.

Why don't we just call that a butt queef?

You know what I mean?

Instead of calling--

And then, you know, the sound that comes out of...

- There was a-- - the vagina, why would we not--

- Like, a 45 minute silence.

And then that's the first question?

I just wanted to know.

Where do we get that word from?

I mean, how's that gotten past everybody?

Okay.

This is beyond the pale, sir.

[haunting western music]

[speaking indistinctly]

[militaristic music]

♪ ♪

- Hillary. - Mr. President.

It's always good to see you.

I pretended to like you for seven years.

You remember my anger translator, luther.

Good to see you, too, mr. President.

My hatred for you is a pure force of nature

That is gonna move me onward to my destiny.

And this is my anger translator, savannah.

I trust you've been busy.

Bet your arms are tired from stabbing me in the back

On the campaign trail.

Saying you don't like my foreign policy?

What the [bleep], woman?

You wrote the damn policy!

[bleep].

Well, you know how it is to campaign for president.

You know how this [bleep] works.

You do whatever you got to do to get your ass elected.

And right now, you are the dead skunk I got to step over.

Should be smooth sailing to the nominations.

Even you couldn't [bleep] it up against these assholes.

Well, it's too early to say, of course.

I got this job locked down.

Unless something terrible happens,

Like you campaigning for me.

Oh, that's b--mm.

Oh, I got a feeling that come 2016,

You and bill will be back in the white house.

Yeah, and you're gonna be busy as [bleep]

Doing all the work 'cause I know you're gonna fire them interns.

What? [imitates explosion]

Well, I appreciate having you as an ally, of course.

Eight years ago I had a lock on this job,

Until you showed up out of nowhere.

- Mm. - And you stole it from me

When you knew damn well it was my turn.

You think I ate all that [bleep], standing there smiling

Next to my pussy-hound husband,

So I could turn around and become secretary of state?

Guess again, mother[bleep].

You got my job and I'm gonna get it back.

And it's not gonna be easy because you screwed the pooch

Six ways to Sunday.

Folks just a soon vote for a skinned possum

As a democrat.

But that's okay.

'cause I'm gon' do it.

I'm gonna win this [bleep] election.

And I am gonna bury you and every goddamn man

Who ever stood in my way.

- Savannah, take it down a bit. - And 2016 is gonna--

What is wrong with you, girl?

You are embarrassing the future president

Of the United States of america.

Have a little class.

It's always good to speak with you, hillary.

You a nasty-ass bitch.

Nice to talk to you, barack.

[bleep] you, dream-stealer.

Damn, some people's just too angry.

[haunting western music]

I was on the train one time and there was a dude.

He was drunk.

And my man was...

Man, put your arm here.

He's, like, like this next to me.

My man was like this.

- My man was going... - What?

- Eww! - [laughs]

Eww!

And eventually, I was like, "hey, man!"

No. Talking about "eventually."

No, you know me. Like, that's--that's hard for me.

- "hey, man!" - "hey, man!"

And he was like, "rah, rah, rah."

You've been tiddling my arm for the last half hour.

Quit tiddling, man.

- Quit tiddling already. - Ain't nobody asked you.

20 minutes is one thing, but half hour?

I'ma give you-- I'ma give you--hey--

I'ma give you 20 minutes to stop that.

20 minutes max.

That was really creepy.

[haunting western music]

[low music in headphones]

♪ ♪

Yo.

Hey, yo.

Hey, yo.

Yo, yo.

Excuse--excuse me?

Oh man, oh man, oh man.

I'll tell you one thing,

If 9/11st were to happen up on this here plane,

Psht, don't worry.

We got this.

Oh.

Okay, I have no idea what you're talking about.

He said that if them terries is gonna try something

Up in here today, like the bounce, boogie, and bump,

That we got this [bleep] on lock.

Terr--do you mean terrorists?

- Oh yeah. - Hells yeah, baby.

He ain't talking about teri garr.

And I certainly ain't talking about no terry cloth.

I mean, if a terry up on this plane,

Even thinking about trying to do something,

We gon' draxx him up.

You're gonna-- you're gonna what?

We're gonna draxx him sklounst.

I think what my partner's trying to say

Is if any terries come up in here,

- We gon' get our berger on. - Yeah.

Did something happen, or did I miss something?

Is this hypothetical, or...

Oh, we're gon' definitely drop some hypotheticals

On that terry's clavicle, 'cause I'm talking 'bout...

[imitates neck breaking]

[both imitating blood spurting]

Don't you just wish though?

Don't you just wish in your heart of hearts...

Yeah. Yeah.

Some terry would come up in here, trying some grab-ass,

And the touchy-feely?

That's the opposite of what I want to have happen on a plane.

Okay. That's unfortunate.

Conference.

This was unexpected.

It certainly was.

I'm thrown right now as to who's gonna be our comrade.

I can still hear you.

He doesn't have the heart, nor the gumption.

You're literally right next to me, so...

On three, break.

Three.

Yoo-hoo.

I got an idea, feel free to say no,

But can we switch seats?

I will not take no for an answer.

Why?

That's the combat seat, jonathan livingston seagull.

If you gon' be in the combat seat

Then you gots to be willing to blast up on some terries.

Because with great power

Come great responsitrillitrust.

Okay. I just-- I just wanted some leg room.

Um...

Okay, max legroom.

You get yours.

Meanwhile, I'm gon' go hayden pantinerry

On some terries.

Especially when they get froggy.

Ribbit, ribbit.

- Yeah. - Um...

You gon' have to be ready to kidnap a terry.

- I don't-- - you gon' have to be ready

To torture a terry.

I don't think that's necessary.

Absolutely, you have to fireboard those motherjammers.

I don't even understand what that means.

Do you trust me?

No.

I'll take that as a yes.

Okay.

Trust.

These terries come up in here trying to act froggy...

Whoo!

Then we gon' give them the rainbow connection.

Here, froggy, froggy, froggy, froggy.

Is that a box cutter?

Oh, you best believe it, baby.

We gon' be eatin' like diane keaton.

2.36 inches, baby.

Shifax.

Perfectly leg-well.

And if those don't work,

You know I'm working up that plan b, brother.

[suspenseful music]

You have a gun?

Oh, yeah. 3-d printer, baby.

100% polyurethane.

They can't detect these mamajamas.

They have a-- they have a weap--

They have-- they--

They have a weapon! They have a weapon!

- Oh, god! - These guys got a weapon.

- Who got a weapon? - Where you at terry?

Everybody relax. We takin' control of this plane.

No, wait a minute, I'm not with them.

[all shouting]

The guy on the right is the ringleader.

Ow!

I don't know them. I don't know them.

I don't know those guys.

I'm on vacation.

[whimsical music]

♪ ♪

Draxx.

Them.

Sklounst.

[haunting western music]

I think of myself as a male feminist.

- Do you now? - Okay?

- Mm-hmm. - But does--so--

But does that mean, like, if a girl comes over

And she's just, boom!

She just got like, poof, poof.

Looking like she's hiding a couple of aardvarks back there.

I'm not supposed to look?

Aardvarks?

You know, just, pow, pow pow!

No, wait a second.

Looking like she's dealing some sauce.

I'm just trying to get over "aardvarks."

Well, what is the sexiest animal

That you would compare to female anatomy?

I would just a completely,

A completely different object in the world.

Not even an animal. Just, like, two--

Two grapefruits.

Two grapefruit--dude, what you talking 'bout grapefruits?

You know, listen, we're doing it.

We're objectifying women right now as we're doing it.

- Are we? - Oh, my god.

[haunting western music]

[sea shanty music]

♪ ♪

♪ I once met a lass so fine ♪

♪ she was drunk on barley wine ♪

♪ I'd been to sea for months a'three ♪

♪ I knew I could make her mine ♪

♪ and the lass was past consent ♪

♪ so it was off with her we went ♪

♪ and we threw her in bed and rested her head ♪

♪ and we left 'cause that's what gentlemen do ♪

(all) ♪ a woman has a right to a drink or two ♪

♪ without worrying about what you will do ♪

♪ we say "yo ho!" but we don't say "ho" ♪

♪ 'cause "ho" is disrespectful, yo ♪

♪ ♪

♪ there once was a girl from leeds ♪

♪ who I heard was good on her knees ♪

♪ so I docked my ship for an overnight trip ♪

♪ to take care of all my needs ♪

♪ she was fine as the tales did tell ♪

♪ and my mast began to swell ♪

♪ so I laid her down and raised her gown ♪

♪ and performed cunnilingus for an hour or so ♪

(all) ♪ always take care of your lady fair ♪

♪ 'cause they deserve as much attention down there ♪

♪ we say "yo ho!" but we don't say "ho" ♪

♪ 'cause "ho" is disrespectful, yo ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I once had a woman so fair ♪

♪ whose womb contained my heir ♪

♪ with a son by my side, the seas we'd ride ♪

♪ the child she would bear ♪

♪ but my girl, she was no fool ♪

♪ she was working her way through school ♪

♪ so I did support when she chose to abort ♪

♪ 'cause it's her body and, therefore, her choice ♪

(all) ♪ no, we don't say "booty" ♪

♪ unless we're talking 'bout gold ♪

♪ we don't look at chests unless there treasure holds ♪

♪ with a hat, and a feather ♪

♪ and a cutlass on our hip ♪

♪ we don't ever say "she" ♪

♪ when we're talkin' about our ship ♪

♪ we don't say "bitch" and we don't say "whore" ♪

♪ 'cause that language leads to things like body dysmorphia ♪

♪ there was a lady with a golden eye ♪

♪ and the doctor said she would die ♪

♪ so she emptied her purse to lift the curse ♪

♪ and prayed to stay alive ♪

♪ she awoke the very next day ♪

♪ and in her grave she lay ♪

♪ but the scariest part of the story from the start ♪

♪ is I bet you assumed the doctor was a man ♪

[all gasping]

(all) ♪ women are doctors, too ♪

♪ and for a fraction of doubloons ♪

♪ we say "yo ho!" but we don't say "ho" ♪

♪ 'cause "ho" is disrespectful, yo ♪

♪ there was a slut with tits to here ♪

♪ and an ass like-- ♪ [gunshot]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

♪ 'cause it's "yo ho!" but we don't say "ho" ♪

(all) ♪ 'cause "ho" is ♪

♪ disrespectful, yo ♪

[all cheering]

[haunting western music]

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

This is 288, I'm investigating the report of a disturbance.

(over radio) roger that, 288.

♪ ♪

Freeze!

Because I got a popsicle, you think--

Gun!

[heroic music]

♪ ♪

[suspenseful music]

Oh, rats.

(both) whoa.

Watch out! That black guy's got a gun

And he's gonna steal your banana!

(both) what?

[shouting]

[heroic music]

Go. Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go,

Go, go go, go, go, go.

Come on.

Sir!

You're gonna have to leave the area.

There's been a disturbance.

Go. For your safety, sir.

Go now. Please.

Okay. Go, go, go. Get going.

[shouts]

Big fuzzy gun!

[shouting]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

I mean, it was like, it was like, you know, a holiday

For people having guns.

God damn it!

Mayor's on a warpath.

Who's responsible for this mess?

I'm sorry, chief. It was me.

Gun!

[shouting]

God damn it!

Coffee cup.

My bad.

Anyway, the last seven came out of nowhere.

[haunting western music]

If you need to pee, let me pull over

And you can pee in this enormous sandbox.

No, no. I'm good. I just don't want you to stop.

Let's go, we're almost there.

Look--look where you're aiming.

You haven't seen--oops!

No--"oops"? What? What's the oops? What was the oop?

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah.

And if them terries come up in here,

We would stwack it and quack it.

[laughter]

Okay.

I feel like y'all are very excited.

- Yeah. - Um, I act--