Original subtitles

- No, no, no. - Yes.

Here's the thing, here's the thing.

- Okay. - Okay. I guarantee you.

I guarantee you, if you look at ObamaCare 25 years from now,

and you look at the number of enrollees

- in that program... - No, no, no, no, listen.

- No, please, by all means, talk. - You've got it wrong.

You have to look at the amount of people enrolled in the healthcare system

and the tremendous effect that it has on the economy.

- You're missing the point. - Lf you're gonna...

- You are missing the point. - Oh, am I?

What you have to do,

what you have to do is look at the tremendous effect

that ObamaCare is having on the U.S. Economy.

And in addition, you have to look at the government bailouts

of the auto industry and the banking industry.

- You've got it wrong. - I've got it wrong?

So wrong. You have to look at the effect on the banking industry

as well as the auto industry, my friend.

- When you do... - Okay, listen.

- The bottom line... - No, the only conclusion...

BOTH: Is that Obama is a disaster.

BOTH: Are you a Republican?

BOTH: Yes.

I would like to apologize for this programing mistake.

In the future, we will do better at choosing our guests

here on Diametrically Opposed.

Crazy, crazy

Does is crazy

Make up for adjustment

You jamming on the verse

First one's planned that you want to do

All I want

But I don't need you

President, man. He's got two more years, dude.

- Things are crazy right now. - Mmm-hmm.

Man, it's just crazy, people in ISIS just jam... Jamming up the jimmer.

Those dudes are tripping me out, dog.

Where you... Where y'all coming from?

Dude, half them dudes used to be in al-Qaeda.

- How ironic. - Now the funny thing is, ISIS happens.

And now Obama's got to get all in the middle of that.

You know, dude, I mean,

can you imagine how done with this shit Obama, has got to be?

- I mean, so stressful. - I can't imagine.

He's gonna look like Rip Van Winkle when he's done.

- Yup. - Wish I had some more things to say

that weren't completely politically polarizing.

PEELE: (SNICKERING) I wish.

Brothers. Brothers, let us begin.

I have convened this meeting

to find out what you are doing.

Why have we not taken a plane in 13 years?

Khalid, you don't even know.

It is all because the cunning

and mighty TSA,

is always one step ahead of us.

- I do not believe it! - It's true.

Last month, I attempted to take down a plane

with a pair of scissors five inches long.

That sounds like a perfect plan. Why did it not work?

Because

the shrewd TSA,

they made restrictions so you can only take a four-inch scissors.

- Four inches. - What?

- Yeah. - How could they know that a five-inch blade

is a dangerous weapon and a four-inch blade is no more than a child's plaything?

That is the genius of TSA!

They foil us at every turn. Devils!

You know, it's the same way with the liquid.

- What about the liquid? - Yeah.

We all know how much devastation we can wreak with 3.5 ounces of liquid.

The damage is incalculable!

The crafty TSA, they have limited passengers

to only 3.4 ounces.

- KHALID: Damn it! - Yeah.

Do none of you have the solution how to...

For us to thwart this TSA?

Khalid, Khalid,

it's like you've been living in a...

Well, here.

Look, the TSA,

they strike fear into my heart

with their polyester shirts and their

disposable rubber gloves.

And the, and the sneaker shoes!

- They are so clever. - Clever.

Yes. They, they act as if they are listless,

overweight employees who don't give a fuck.

When in reality,

they are an elite force

of anti-terrorist commandos!

Oh, curse the brilliant TSA!

Khalid, if I may.

I think I have a way

to triumph over the wily TSA.

- Finally. - Okay, let's give him a shot.

I have a plan

to put a bomb in a laptop,

and it will detonate once you pull it from its case.

(LAUGHING)

KHALID: Yes! Yes, it is perfect!

Planes will rain down from the sky onto the infidels!

(ALL CHANTING AND SINGING)

What? Parviz, what, what, what?

Sneak in here for a second,

'cause I don't, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news here.

- KHALID: Then don't be! - Yet you are.

It's as if the prophetic

and all-knowing TSA,

has predicted your plan.

They make you take the laptop out of the carrying case

and put it in a separate bin before you get on the plane.

Come on, you've got to be kidding me.

You've got to be kidding me. Are you kidding me, Parviz?

'Cause it's not a funny joke if it's a joke.

It's no time for kidding, I wouldn't kid.

Oh, my God. I cannot believe these mothers of devils.

Well, very well, then.

Since you have all failed,

I will tell you how we will destroy the nonbelievers.

I have developed the smallest bomb possible.

And it fits perfectly

into this.

A full-sized tube of toothpaste.

(LAUGHING)

Yes! It's really great, isn't it?

- I mean, it's really... - Don't do him like that.

What's going on over here?

- What's the situation over here? - Okay.

Is there a version of the toothpaste bomb that comes in travel-size?

(SIGHS) You know what? It's like they're in our heads.

Yes, yes.

Dude, sometimes my dog's just be looking forlorn.

- I'm like, "Are you depressed?" I'm like, dude. - (LAUGHS)

He's just pretty chill, I think.

But I do feel like... I feel kind of like, bad for my dog, like,

he's... I'm just very conscious of the fact

that he's not a human and can't understand

how he's different from everybody around him.

Right, but, but that's the good thing, is he can't understand.

He can't comprehend it.

But he wants to understand. It's like...

(LAUGHING)

- You said... - It's like,

"Why are there different rules for me than these other beings around me?"

See, see, now you're treating him like a person.

Well, your motherfuckers sleep on your bed.

Literally went to the chiropractor,

went to the chiropractor and she said, "How are you?"

I said, "I've been sleeping very well."

She said, "No dogs in the bed?" And I went, "Yup."

That's right, I was in Michigan for two weeks, no dogs in the bed,

back was better.

Come home, Cynthia got three people in the bed, like she in a hippie orgy.

(LAUGHS) Wait. Three people?

- You mean her and... - Three... Her and the dogs.

So you call the dogs "people"?

I just called the dogs people, which is something I accuse her of all the time.

- Yeah. - I accuse her of that all the time.

- I'm like, "you know they're not people." - Yeah, yeah.

And then she leaves the room,

and I'm talking English to them, like they know what's going on.

(CHEERING AND SCREAMING)

Eduardo, man, you are so loco, man!

Wow.

We need a crazy vato like you in our gang.

With this bandana, I welcome you to the gang.

Yo.

- Hold up. - Okay.

What's going on?

Hey, Carlito.

Uh, I was just welcoming Eduardo into the gang.

Why? Who he? What he did?

He's, he's crazy, man.

We, we were thinking that the gang needs a crazy guy.

Yeah, man. This guy is loco.

Show him, Eduardo.

- (CHEERING) - Loco!

That's loco.

Loco, huh?

No, no. I'm the loco one in this gang.

- What? - Okay, okay.

Check this out.

(QUACKING)

- I'm a duck. I'm a crazy duck. - No, no, no, no.

No, Carlito, Carlito, it's not that kind of loco, okay?

That's more like, you know, zany.

- Or, or goofy. - Yeah.

It's the wrong kind of loco.

You want to see loco?

Carlito, you're not crazy.

You're like, uh, the quiet one.

I'm not quiet.

I never be caught being quiet.

In fact, I'm always loud. Check it.

(SCREAMS SOFTLY)

Okay, okay. That was weird.

Were you yelling?

- I'll show you loco right here. - Carlito...

Right now in broad daylight, yo.

- Carlito, no. - Oh, my God.

Carlito, pull up your pants, homes.

I got tillikum on my underwear. That's the black fish.

I'm naked, and I don't even care.

Carlito, you gotta pull them up, okay?

There's, like, children in this neighborhood, okay?

Okay. But check this out.

I got nine punch cards from Froyo Universe,

each with a one stamp in it.

Every time I get a froyo, I get a new card.

Carlito, that's just being cavalier with your finances

instead of collecting your free dessert.

I mean, that's not loco. That's just, like, financially irresponsible.

I might not be loco, but you know who is loco?

My friend Mr. Basura-head.

He's dumping the garbage.

Hi, I'm the most loco person in here.

Carlito. Why would you do that, okay?

Carlito.

Okay. Carlito, you don't have to do this, okay?

It's not necessary. You're not the loco one.

Check this out.

(GROANS) I feel...

Yeah, I'm crazy. I'm the loco one.

(GROANS)

Carlito, please don't do it again.

- (GROANS) - Carlito, stop.

I'm in too deep.

This is like watching the British version of The Office.

Like, it's funny, but awkward and sad at the same time.

Yes.

- Oh! - Well,

I think I just proved this bottle is unbreakable.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Carlito, you're embarrassing yourself.

- Look at this. It's loco. - No, no, no,

Carlito, what are you gonna do with that?

I don't know. I'm too crazy.

(ALL GROANING)

Carlito, why would you do that, man?

That was loco, but not in an entertaining way.

Okay.

Okay.

Carlito, put down the gun, homes.

- Oh, don't you fear. - (ALL CLAMORING)

- Put the gun down. - The crazy, crazy one is here.

- Stop! Don't toss the gun around, Carlito. - Oh, my staple hand.

- Put the gun down, Carlito! - Ooh, I shouldn't have done that.

- Carlito, stop twirling it. - Loco, loco, loco...

- Carlito please, don't throw it around. - Where's it stop, nobody knows... Oh!

Don't toss it... Hey!

(ALL GASPING)

Fuck!

Carlito, you just shot Eduardo in the head!

Now I'm the most loco, in the gang?

Yes, Carlito, by process of elimination,

you're the most loco person in the gang.

Yes.

ALL: Oh!

He caught the bullet.

He caught the bullet in his teeth!

That's the most loco-est thing I ever seen!

- ALL: No, no! - (GUNSHOT)

Did you... Were you ever, in all honesty, were you ever going to join the military?

I... You know, I thought about it for one minute.

I really did, because my mom was we... No.

I went to go see an army recruiter, just to hear.

My mom was just like, "Maybe you just want to hear what can happen."

- Your mom? - I wasn't gonna do it.

I mean, I wanted to do it, but I wasn't gonna do it.

I might have, but my mom knew me.

She knew me well enough to know I wasn't gonna do that.

- So what was the recruiter like? - The marine recruiter was on point.

My man was like, "Hey, how's it going, young man? Good to see you.

"Nice to meet you, man. How are you? What's the name? I'm Matt. I'm Matt."

And I was like, "Nice to meet you, Matt."

And he's like, "Tell you what, man, lot ofjob opportunities

"out there for you if you join the Marine Corps.

- "You know, you get out, you have a job." - That's my dude.

- "School get paid for." - That's my dude.

"It's a hell of a deal, my friend. It's a hell of a deal."

That guy who... The guy that I know that's like that is a Las Vegas party promoter.

You go either one of two ways.

Either the party-promoter style, or...

- Or marine recruiter. - Marine recruiter.

KEY: I mean, my man's reads to go.

It is so good to see you, Keith.

Yeah, we usually have to wait for a special occasion.

Well, actually, I have a little surprise.

I got engaged.

- Oh! - (ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, honey.

Son.

Whoo-hoo.

Yes!

Wow.

Congratulations, little bro.

(SNICKERING) Engaged.

Kind of a big deal.

More for me, I guess. That's what that means.

Yes, well. Um, she got a name?

Stephanie.

Marriage is a wonderful journey.

50% end in divorce.

Sorry, bro. Them's just the facts.

I will, I will keep that in mind, thank you.

- You got a photo? - Oh, yeah.

AKA does she exist?

- There you go. - (WHISTLES)

(LAUGHS) Mmm.

Oh, she is beautiful.

- Don't... - Let me get eyes on this.

Everybody else already...

Great lighting.

- Airbrushed? - Uh, no.

She kind of looks like that one model uh,

- on The Price Is Right. - Uh, yes.

- Uh, that's her. - The Price Is Right?

Clive, that's your show.

Shut up, Mom! No, it's not.

Oh, yeah.

Stephanie.

People always underbid on her showcases. Not the best presenter.

- Where's the wedding? - Oh, in Hawaii.

- Oh. - (CHUCKLING) Oh, wow!

(CLAPPING)

Awesome.

Whoo-hoo!

(SPEAKING HAWAIIAN)

- She ever been married before? - Uh, no.

So she says.

- Ex-boyfriend, she got one? - Of course.

Sloppy seconds, at least. Right, Dad?

- Keith, she sounds wonderful. - Thank you, Mom.

Shut up, Mom!

Silence from you!

You're cut off from talking!

You know what, Clive?

I really don't appreciate the way that you're talking to Mom.

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

Yes!

Yes!

The prodigal son hath returned!

You know what? You want to go? Let's go.

'Cause I've been here the last 15 years,

taking care of Mom and Dad.

While you've been trolloping all over the world, and why?

So you could come back here and criticize me, for how I treat them?

No.

I actually came here

to ask you if you would do me the honor of being my best man.

I know that we've had our differences.

But you're my older brother.

We'll pay for your room.

- And we're also gonna rent you a car. - (SOBS)

And we'll pay to fly you out there.

First class?

Well, we can't afford first class.

Well, fuck you!

You're dead to me!

- Clive! - Shut up, Mom!

I'm eating in my room!

Well, that went better than expected.

- I think so. - Yeah.

(MOVIE PLAYING ON SCREEN)

- I'm going to the bathroom. - Okay.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Can you quiet down?

- Excuse me. - Meegan, you're being loud.

- Excuse me. And excuse me. - Shh.

Meegan.

Meegan? Meegan, what are you doing?

- Andre? - Meegan.

Andre, where are you?

- Shh. - You shh. I'm looking for my boyfriend.

- You better shut your girl. - Okay, I'm doing it right now, dude.

Meegan.

- Andre? - Meegan.

ALL: Shh!

- Don't shh me. - ANDRE: I'm shushing you.

- Andre? - Meegan.

- Andre? - Meegan.

- Andre. - Meegan, come here.

- Andre? - Meegan.

- Andre? - Meegan.

- Andre? - Meegan.

- Andre? - Meegan.

- Andre? - WOMAN: Shh!

Why would you go back to where you were before?

Siri, call Andre.

Don't call me.

- Don't do that. Meegan. - (CELL PHONE RINGING)

- ANDRE: Shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - (CELL PHONE RINGING)

Meegan, what is wrong with you?

- What the fuck are you doing? - Andre, where are you?

- I'm behind you. - Will you FaceTime me?

I'm not gonna do it right now. You wouldn't be able to see me.

- It's fucking dark in here. - I know.

That's why I can't find you.

I'm directly behind you. Turn around.

Okay, I'm gonna turn around.

You didn't need to announce it, just do it.

I'm right there. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck.

Stop yelling at me!

Meegan, have you sustained a head injury or had a stroke in the last ten minutes?

- What do you mean by that? - Meegan.

- Dude, put your phone away. - Yup. Yup.

- OMG, did you just hang up on me? - Yes.

I'm not talking to you, sir. I'm talking to my boyfriend.

It's me, Meegan.

- Andre! - MAN: Lady, get out of here.

No, you get out of here. I can go wherever I want.

I'm looking for my boyfriend.

- Andre! - Come on, you can't be up here.

Andre! Shit! Get off me, Mr. Director.

He's not the director.

Can you shine this light on the audience? I want to see my boyfriend.

Let me see something. Ah! The light's in my eyes.

Meegan, get out of the projection booth!

- MAN: Shh. - Don't shush me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

And...

Excuse me.

I couldn't find the bathroom.

(PEELE HUMMING)

- I'll tell you what, man. - Hmm?

- I'm not even pretending. I'm a wuss. - Mmm-hmm, yeah, I know.

Sometimes I'll be coming in the house talking about,

"Can we just turn the air on?"

My wife's like, "Oh, you want to turn the air on?"

I'm like, "Yeah, I'm dying up in this bitch."

Me, too.

And my girl be talking about, "Really? I'm cold."

"You cold?"

She's got the cardigan on. You're going, "What is going on?"

I'm like, what is going on?

To me, I'm sorry, if I look at a thermostat, and it's on 74, that's hot.

- Exactly. I'm like... - Seventy four is hot.

"Let me turn the thermostat down and come snuggle, 'cause I run warm.

"I'll furnace your ass out right now."

(LAUGHS) "Furnace your ass out."

"I'm heating for two in this bitch.

"Why you got to be across the room freezing?"

He said, "Heating for two."

(HARMONIZED SINGING) I'm gonna do my one line here

Oh yeah.

Carlito, stop!

Carlito, come on, stop.

Fern.

Okay, why would you do it again?

Why would you do it again? Carlito.

If you think about it,

it's more loco that it didn't break.