Original subtitles

Gentlemen, it has been a pleasure and an honor,

to meet you and, uh, your people.

The US government supports you in every possible way.

Ideologically, of course.

(SIGHS) However, we cannot offer any military aid at this time.

With all due respect, Ambassador,

we need more than that.

We are dealing with terrorism on a daily basis.

Oh, that's so unfortunate.

(STAMMERS) Warlords overrun villages.

Yes, that's regrettable.

Rapes, tortures. All manner of, uh, human atrocity.

That's really sad, but the US military is simply spread too thin.

We can't afford another intervention at this time.

But, what we could use your help with really,

is protecting our vulnerable, plentiful, and newly-discovered,

- oil reserves. - "Oil"?

Excuse me one second.

Operation Golden Eagle is a go.

- (HELICOPTERS WHIRRING) - (ALL GASPING)

Welcome to democracy.

Uh, we also have natural gases!

Oh, yes, a lot. Lots of it.

Crazy crazy

Does is crazy

Make up for adjustment

You jammin' on the verse

First one's planned that you want to do

All I want

But I don't need you

(GROANING LOUDLY)

How's your back doing? Your back okay?

You need to get an adjustment from the chiropracticals?

Oh, can you do? Can you do chiro... Can you do chiropractor?

Just get this.

- Just relax it? - Yeah, relax it.

Give it to me and let me do the work.

It's nice to be able to just relax my arm,

but I don't know that I feel the... Whoa, whoa.

- Whoa, whoa, what? - What happened? What?

I wasn't doing... What, what?

You made me touch your dick.

No, I didn't.

- It scuffed your crotch, my middle finger... - You didn't come any...

- Your fingers did not touch my crotch. - No, it touched something down there, man.

You didn't get anywhere near my crotch.

We have to agree it was a ouija board situation.

- It was a ouija board situation. - It was, no, it was a Jordan board situation.

I wake up next to this guy, and...

(SIGHS) As usual I don't even know his name.

I'm trying to get dressed quickly and get out of there before he wakes up, but...

I can't find my underwear.

I look everywhere, but I just can't find them,

and then it hits me.

I had left them at another guy's apartment, earlier that night,

and that's when I knew I had a problem.

(ALL CLAPPING)

Thanks for sharing, Sky.

Well, I notice a lot of new faces this evening.

And I'm so glad you all came.

And I want you to know that this is a safe place to share.

So if you want to tell us your story,

there'll be no judgment.

Sure, I'll go.

(SIGHS) Hi, y'all.

Name's Wendell.

And, I am in fact,

a sexual addict.

ALL: Hi, Wendell.

And what brings you here, Wendell?

(SIGHS) Well, you know, my life,

sexually speaking,

is crazy.

And I just want to find,

one single solitary person,

to spend the rest of my life with.

Just one.

Just one.

So do you feel like your addiction is too much to handle right now?

Duh.

I mean, it's been crazy, y'all.

With me, the nastier, the better.

I'm a dirty dog.

Try everything, all the fixings.

Tantric, much like Sting.

All the bells and whistles, you name it,

I've dones't it.

And when would you say you hit rock bottom, Wendell?

When it got slippery outside my shower,

on the floor outside my shower.

Oh.

I hit rock bottom sexually...

Oh, it was probably last night, last night.

Do you think that you could tell us what happened, Wendell?

Yeah, let's see, uh...

It was just like any other night. I had,

ordered a large pie, pepperoni,

pineapple, cheesy crust,

some cheesy bread on the side.

Uh, cut to,

thirty min later.

Pizza parlor sent over a delicious,

lady delivery person.

Body ten.

Face ten.

That's my weakness.

So I invited her inside,

opened up the box.

It was hot.

Devoured the first slice lickety-split, crust first.

Second slice didn't stand a chance.

Ate the tip of that bitch first,

washed it down with a pop.

Then I got nasty with the cheesy bread.

My heart started pounding,

harder than usual, ker-slunk,

ker-slunk.

Moved on to the third slice.

- What about the girl? - What girl?

Oh, the girl.

Yeah, she was there too.

I invited her into my boudoir, aka the Stabbin' Cabin.

We disrobed one another.

I touched her on her genitalia.

She touched me on my man-italia, and that's when I hit it.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Sexually, of course.

Upstairs, downstairs, all-around-the-town stairs, as you do,

and, uh,

by then it was just another night.

And I mean oil everywhere, and

sauce all over me.

"Sauce"?

Oh, yeah, that's my word for...

Ejaculate.

Anyhoo, I'm so distraught, because I feel vulnerable,

and I don't know, I just

feel like anyone,

could take advantage of me right now.

Anyone.

(SIGHS) 'Kay, let's see what the blondes have to say first.

Well, thank you, Wendell, um.

Thank you for sharing. It's actually our time today.

PEELE: How about them unny-funny people?

- (LAUGHS) - We have the...

We talk about funny people. Let's talk about some unfunny...

We are blessed with the power of laughter.

When we were in San Francisco, this woman was, like,

wasted, she was like, "Tell me a joke."

And I was like, "I don't got a joke for you, baby, that's not my thing."

(LAUGHS)

- Yeah. - I got another joke for you.

What the fuck does she do for a living?

- Are you an accountant? - You an accountant?

Ring some numbers up for me.

- Oh, shit. - (MUMBLES)

- You said that... - (MUMBLES)

To that mythological woman.

- With all the bravado. - But in real life, though,

I'd be like, "Um, um...

"Chicken crossed the road."

(LAUGHS)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

All right, everybody, just let's settle down,

and settle in

and, like, totally let's get our math on, okay?

All right, guys, so, um...

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) Yeah, oh!

- All right, Jimmy. - (STUDENTS LAUGHING)

Somebody's got a little extra energy from Phys Ed, right?

Jimmy, buddy, hey, buddy, let's, okay, it's just...

Let's knock it off, okay?

Okay.

He wanted me to knock it off.

- You got me. He got me, right, guys? - So I knocked it off.

- Jimmy, dude, all right, let's take our seat. - (STUDENTS LAUGHING)

- Take our seat. - (LAUGHING) That's great.

That's great.

- That's great. - (MAKING ROBOTIC SOUND)

Very good. Bravo, Jimmy.

- You guys can clap. - ALL: Yay!

- That was awesome. - Thank you.

Oh, and I thank you.

I thank you for the entertainment, man.

- (GIBBERING) - (STUDENTS LAUGHING)

Jimmy, let's go, man.

Hey, buddy, I don't want to harsh your vibe, man, but...

Ah, eureka!

I'm gonna be honest with you.

You're really pushing my buttons now, Jimmy.

(IMITATING ROBOTIC BEEPING)

You're driving me crazy, man.

(IMITATING CAR ENGINE)

That's enough. You want me to write your name on the board?

- (STUDENTS LAUGHING) - (YELLING) Ah.

Home Alone, Home Alone, Home Alone.

Okay, Jimmy, do you want me to call Principal Martel?

- (GASPING) - That would not be bitchin', would it?

- (CHITTERING) - Okay.

You know what, Jimmy? You know what?

Why don't you come up and teach the class, man?

Hmm?

Wouldn't that be awesome?

Moi?

- Yo, come on along. - (STUDENTS LAUGHING)

Okay, good.

No, and then you know what I'm gonna do, Jimmy?

I'll just sit here. How 'bout that, Jimmy,

and we can all watch how you're being disruptive.

(SPEAKS IN SLOW MOTION) All right, class.

Oh, I see. That's supposed to be me.

All right, Jimmy, okay, I see.

I get it's supposed to be me.

It's time to be done, Jimmy. Don't you dare, Jimmy.

- What are you... - (SCISSOR SNIPS)

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah?

(SCREAMING) Oh, yeah?

(UNINTELLIGIBLE SCREAMING)

Well, this is you, Jimmy!

(SCREAMING GIBBERISH)

(SCREAMING) I'm you, Jimmy!

(GROWLING AND SCREAMING) I'm Jimmy!

How 'bout that, Jimmy, huh?

"Oh, I'm gonna slap five!

"Give me five!" Give me...

Give me five!

Huh, how 'bout that, huh?

That's you, Jimmy!

"I'm Jimmy.

"I'm Jimmy, and I need attention!

"Yeah, I'm Jimmy! I'm Jimmy!

"Oh, lookie here. I'm a baby boy.

"That's the funniest thing that ever happened,

"in the whole world!

"I'm Jimmy! I want attention!

"Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy!

"I'm Jimmy! I'm Jimmy!"

(HIGH PITCH GIBBERISH)

Mr. Friar!

Principal Martel! No, what?

(GASPS) No, no, no, no, no, it was Jimmy.

It was Jimmy, Principal Martel.

- No, Jimmy. - Quiet!

(WAILING) It was Jimmy!

It was Jimmy!

- (SCREAMING) It was Jimmy! - (DOOR SHUTS)

(STUDENTS CHEERING) Whoo!

STUDENTS: Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy...

- Ah-ha! - STUDENTS: Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy...

I'm gonna contextualize the whole thing.

They're a step ahead of us every single time.

- Oh, absolutely. - A step ahead every...

Dicknanigans.

(SLOW DRAMATIC MUSIC)

- (CAR HORN) - (CAR CRASHING)

(SIGHS IN PAIN) No.

(AUDIENCE INDISTINCT WHISPERING)

BOTH: Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

(WHISPERING) Dicknanigans.

It's amazing.

I know.

Worms!

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIM SLOWLY)

Dicknanigans.

It's a dialog, without a dialog.

Absolutely. I feel like they're in my head.

(DEBUSSY'S CLAIR DE LUNE PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE GASPING IN AMAZEMENT)

Struggling.

(GASPING IN APPRECIATION)

Dicknanigans.

Wow.

(WHIMPERING) Poop.

Dicknanigans.

Frisbees.

Dicknanigans.

(SIGHS) Blurry.

Dicknanigans.

Solange.

Dicknanigans!

(LAUGHS) Oh.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Gentlemen...

"Exploded nuts syndrome,"

is a condition indicated by the presence of,

exploded nuts,

which yours are.

(SIGHS) By the way, I saw your show last night.

Amazing!

LADY ANNOUNCER: Dr. Kravis, you have a visitor in the main lobby. Dr. Kravis...

What if we did a scene, where,

we're standing there,

and our dicks are out?

We don't blur it, nothing. Just...

Show open,

our cocks,

next to each other.

What is the story that the dicks are telling?

Well, that's what we... Okay, now we're talking. Now we're brainstorming.

So I'm thinking,

it's like, they're neighbors.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Yes. - So they come out of

- their houses. - Okay. Mmm-hmm.

In the beginning of the day.

Right, right.

And, you know, my dick would be like,

"Hey, Johnson." You know, something like that.

Right, and mine... Mine would be named, "Hi, I'm Wily."

Right, right. So, already we're gold.

The jokes will write themselves, man. How many dick puns are there?

A myriad amount of dick puns.

Okay, "Let's go out and play ball."

- Okay, you know what I'm saying? - Okay, right, I got you.

- I hear you. - I'm gonna go in for a second,

and eat my breakfast, some scrote-meal.

God, scrote-meal alone is almost worth it.

Absolutely.

PEELE: We open with scrote-meal.

...what's good for you, boy, keep your hands off my woman.

Your woman? I saw her first.

- Don't you put your hands on me! - Don't you put your hands all over her!

- Don't you put your hands on me! - That's my woman!

- (AUDIENCE CHEERING) - ANNOUNCER: And now, for the scat stylings

of Rex the Bone Daddy Ronson.

And Teddy 12 Combs Lewis.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Zoo do dweep Bodo dwape zoodo dweep

Zodo ba datin wop wop Wa wop wow

Butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt

Hoppy geebo derpa day

Your breath smells Like a butt

Your bop bop booty bop

Your whole mouth smells Like an open ass

Butt poop poo

Way we vwee vway Fat fat wat dway

Fatty used to Chewby Doo You're fat

You're a fat at fat fay fay ba boo fatty Fah Boo Bah

Fe Fi Fo Fum

What do I smell But some fat next to me

That's the man fatty mmm

Potty foo fay fe fo fat type

Hiddle bit little bit Dibbidy dobbidy doo la la da

Teenily weenily hoddily Hiddily littla bittla

Baby penis

Feel free to suck it

Suck it and suck it and suck it

And suck it and suck it And suck it and suck it

Feel free to suck it

Feel free to suck it Feel free to suck it

You can suck it And put it in in your mouth

Stop

Mop

Your face your face Your face

Looks like a ball sack

No wrinkle dinkle doos Sticky doop

Ba dee do wrinkle Dinkle dee dee ball sack

Tellenum tellenum ten oh Ten you a taint you a taint

You're a taint you're a taint You're a taint

The space Between the butt and balls

Taint face you rainty raint Your face is a taint

Taint taint taint

- Take it back - No I won't

- Take it back - I never will

Take it back

- No I won't never will - Take it back take it back

- Take it back - No I won't

Cause you're a son of a son of a

Son of a son of a bitch Bitch bitch

Son of a son of a son of a Son of a bitch bitch bitch

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

You don't need To fight over me

There's plenty Of the va vaga

Gi gi gi gi gi gi gi Chu chu chu chu chu chu

Gina

Vagina

There's plenty of of of

You know what I'm talking about, right?

(CHUCKLING) Y'all know what I'm talking about.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Do you know what R&B is?

Do you know some real good modern...

Oh, R&B's been around longer than rock and roll.

That modern shit I'm talking.

I'm not talking about old school R&B.

I'm talking about that...

Come with me girl

I'm gonna hit It from The back

That's what they talking about nowadays in R&B.

- That's what they talking about? - I'm not talking about like...

I want to court you

I'm not talking about that stuff.

You're talking about getting right into the...

"Where do I put this thing inside of your body?"

Yes.

I don't listen to that kind of music.

It's R&B these days,

is like a literal description of sexual intercourse.

It's like...

My penis Will go in your vagina

No, it's not.

No way. Really?

Semen will come out

Nine months later We might have a baby

(LAUGHS) Really?

PEELE: Mmm-hmm, that's how far it's come.

I'm gonna do My one line here

MAN: Oh, yeah.

I will see you all next week.

Take care.

Okay, where are we going?

Where's it? Is there a meeting after the meeting?

Like, for cocktails or...

Just...

Okay.