Original subtitles

- All right, so we have to remember H5. - Okay.

- Um. Oh! I got it. High five. - Oh, I see.

Oh, that's good. I see what you're trying to do there.

Trying to figure out a mnemonic device.

- Yeah, trying. - Uh, okay, high fives

came out in the '70s.

- That's when they were invented. That's a 7. - Yeah.

There's two of us.

- So, if you subtract 2 from 7, that's 5. - So, why are you...

Okay, great. So, you got it. So, um...

And then, um, there's five major food groups.

Why are you going on?

Oh, no. You're gonna love this.

This is fun for me 'cause it's a puzzle.

No, no puzzle.

Five major food groups. There is meat, vegetables, grain, dairy, and fruit.

- Okay. - My favorite fruit is pineapple.

But you know that we got it already, so...

- Pineapple comes from Hawaii. - Okay.

- And oh, oh. - I don't...

My favorite current show is Hawaii Five-0.

Hawaii Five-0. Okay, so that's it. Done.

- We're done. Hawaii Five-0. - Ooh, ooh, and Scott.

- Scott Caan, is the star of Hawaii Five-0. - Scott Caan?

- We're really talking about Scott Caan now? - And his father is James Caan,

who's one of the five major stars...

- What's wrong with you? ...of the... One of the five major huge stars.

- "H," right? Of The Godfather movies. - Yeah.

- What? This is unbelievable. - So it's Caan, Pacino...

- I don't even know why you're doing this. ...Brando, Duvall, and um...

- Diane Keaton. ...Diane Keaton. Yes, thank you.

And it's easy to remember her name because, her name is the same last name

- as Buster Keaton and Michael Keaton. - But, no, okay.

- Both comedians. - We're just going through this now.

- And when you laugh, you say "ha"... - Why are you doing this?

..."ha-ha." - Stop, stop.

Stop, stop, stop. Stop!

You see what you're doing?

You're overcomplicating the whole thing.

We already had it.

You're just making it more difficult, just like you do everything.

I left my phone in the car.

Which is...

Wait, hold up. A dap.

- No. - No, it was handshake...

- No, I got it. I got it. I got it. Ha. - But, wait.

Buster Keaton and Michael Keaton, same last name as Diane Keaton.

One of the five huge stars of The Godfather movies.

- But I got it. - It's, Keaton, Brando, Duvall, Pacino...

...and James Caan... - Wait, wait, wait.

...who's the father of Scott Caan... - Oh, okay.

...who's the star of Hawaii Five-0. - It was a thing...

Hawaii pineapple. Pineapple's my favorite fruit.

- Five major food groups. There's two of us. - No, no, no, no, you can't...

- Five plus two is seven. - Wait, wait, so,

that's the '70s when high fives were invented, H5.

High five! High five! I had it!

Damn!

Crazy crazy

Does is crazy

Make up for adjustment

You jammin' on the verse

First one's planned that you want to do

All I want

But I don't need you

PEELE: Explain to me your current health care regimen.

- I mean, your... - (KEY LAUGHS)

- Your current physical. - I do... Here's what it is.

Aerobics is like slow, steady-state cardio.

And what I do is, like, interval cardio.

So you're doing it all day?

Twenty minutes.

- Oh. - Like, 20 minutes a day.

You could do it.

What you do mean when you said, "You could do it"?

- Like, you dropped "You." - I admit, I did. Okay.

Why would you emphasize "You" like that?

I'm just saying.

- Of course I could do it. - Of course you could it.

I mean, it'd take a little while for you get into it.

- But you could do it. - I'm an athletic,

spry young man.

Of course I could do it. I played soccer, bro.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Live from the Nestle Arena,

welcome to the finals of 1987 Jazz Fit championships.

Representing The Body Shop from Hollywood, California... Flash!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

And from The Skinny Shop in Detroit, Michigan... Lightning!

(INAUDIBLE)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(MUSIC SLOWS DOWN)

(UPBEAT MUSIC RESUMES)

(MUSIC SLOWS DOWN)

(MOUTHING) Motive?

(INAUDIBLE)

(UPBEAT MUSIC RESUMES)

You son of a bitch!

You motherfucker! You crazy sick fuck!

Let me at him!

I'm gonna kill you.

You motherfucker!

You motherfuck!

Let me at him! Let me at him!

PEELE: If you and I were in just a tag team fight,

and there was a couple of your average street riffraff...

(LAUGHS) Some rapscallions?

Well, how do you think we'd do?

Now, when you say tag team, you're not talking about one of us

scrapping with three dudes and tagging out.

- You're talking about if we were just together. - Blip, blip.

If we're just together, blippin' it, slippin' it.

- Street rules. Yeah. - Crappin' it, slappin' it.

- Kick 'em in the crotch. - Lf... Do we get a good... Do we get a weapon?

Let's say no.

- Average sized guys. - So, bigger than us.

Dude, I think if we went hog wild on them, we'd be okay.

Like, if we just went crazy and lost our minds.

I mean, if I was beating a dude and pissing myself at the same time, that's okay.

As long as I'm making contact.

- It turns out it wasn't a ghost at all. - (LAUGHING)

It was my little sister hiding in the basement!

- (LAUGHING) - (LAUGHS) And she was goin' "boo".

- (LAUGHING) - And making the noises the whole time, so...

- Oh, shoot. I forgot his juice boxes. - Oh.

I will be right back.

You'll be all right with Zachary?

- I think so. - Okay.

(SIGHS)

So, Zachary.

You know I'm, uh, gonna be marrying you mother,

and, uh, I'm gonna be moving in soon, and I just...

(SIGHS)

I'm so excited to spend more time with you.

You know, I know

that you had a hard time with your father and,

and he spanked you and, you know,

I just want you to know.

(SIGHS) That's not gonna happen with me.

Okay?

And I promise, I will never spank you.

(GASPS) Okay. That's...

Okay. Um...

I know why you did that.

But I will never spank you

because I know that you still... Oh! That's...

(SIGHS, LAUGHS) Ow.

I don't know that there's anything I did to deserve that. Okay. This...

(LAUGHS) You... Is...

(CLEARS THROAT) Okay.

I'm gonna be real with you.

You can't go hittin' people.

All right? Oh! Oh! Oh!

I ain't coming back for that fourth one.

All right. So we done?

We got that out of our system?

'Cause I know that this...

This isn't you.

Oh, I told you, you weren't... Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Come on!

(GRUNTS) This... You... (GRUNTS) Why?

Oh, what?

(GRUNTING)

That's unbelievable.

(HIGH-PITCHED MUMBLING)

I'm the good guy.

I'm... I'm the good guy, man.

(SIGHS)

Look.

I'm never gonna spank you.

I'm not gonna be like your father.

I'm gonna be your friend.

You need to respect me! You understand?

You little shit!

(SIGHS)

I will respect you, Charles.

If you play your role.

Now, listen up.

I'm a bad, bad boy, Charles.

I don't need a fucking friend.

So go ahead. Marry my mommy. Move in.

Fuck her as hard as you want.

Just leave me the fuck alone.

You do that, 11 years from now, I'll be out of the house.

And we won't have any problems.

You don't...

And I

will

break you.

Okay, Charles?

How are we doing?

(GIGGLES) I love him!

(LAUGHS)

So, the other thing I'm thinking is maybe the plasma bolts...

Instead of going the traditional way and having them actually

emanating from his hands,

- what if they came from his aura? - (INTERCOM BEEPS)

- They just came... - MAN: (ON INTERCOM) Uh, he's here.

Oh, God. Thank you.

Guys, this is so exciting.

Marvel legend Stan Lee calls me on the phone a couple of weeks ago,

and says, "I'd like to stop by."

So I just thought that'd be a great treat, so he's...

Excelsior!

- Hey! Mr. Lee! - All right. All right.

Sit down, sit down. Let's get going.

Oh, you're here to pitch us some characters?

You bet your bottom dollar, I have.

(ALL LAUGH)

All right, let's see here. We got to...

Easel work's a little bit rusty. Don't touch that.

Okay. Introducing...

Heyday.

He lives perpetually in his best year, 1982.

His nemesis is the evil Writer's Block.

He'll live forever as long as he continues to come up with great,

interesting, and relevant ideas.

Well, that got nothing.

Mr. Lee, I just... I just feel, you know, we're really busy this morning.

Uh-uh, this ain't my first rodeo, sonny boy.

I got a million of 'em. All right.

Dr. Balance.

He's an aging robotics scientist

who never slips and falls in the shower.

(DRAMATIC BACKGROUND MUSIC)

It's Where Am I, Man?

No matter how late at night he gets up to go number one,

he always knows exactly where he is.

Thermostatro.

He has the power to control any thermostat,

which means he never has to be tormented

by any sudden cold spots.

Techno. He understands how to control any technological device.

Things like the computer or the little hand computer.

Road Rage.

He gets behind innocent drivers on the thoroughfare,

on their way home from the doctor's office.

And he leans on his radioactive horn.

And they say, "Hey! Come on, get off of my bumper, hot rod!

"We're goin' as fast as we can!"

(SIGHS)

Where'd you guys come from?

Oh, yeah. Here's the Gray Chaser.

Her special powers are she's 40, has no kids,

and she's got a rockin' hot bod.

She's only into older dudes with ponytails and liver spots.

Homestead.

He's got the mutant ability to force

any of his busy adult children to come visit for a change.

I mean, would it kill you to pick up a phone?

How 'bout an evil villain, huh?

The Overweight Jamaican Maid.

Also known as Jamila!

She steals things.

Mr. Lee, I'm... I'm so sorry.

Just, with all due respect, I don't think that, uh...

I don't think that we could use any of these characters.

Oh.

So say the room?

- Yes. - Yeah.

Oh.

No, I... I understand.

Don't mind me. (LAUGHS)

Sometimes you're just shooting blanks.

(CHUCKLES) I know when I'm not wanted. Just...

Toss the rest of 'em in the, uh, trash compactor, or whatever ya got these days.

- It was a real honor, sir, to have you. - Yeah...

(LAUGHS)

Eureka!

I've just been inspired.

Now, this is a superhero team.

A ragtag group of multi-ethnics known as...

The Fired Bunch.

They possess the testicular fortitude

to bite the very hand that feeds them

and are cursed to walk the streets

for an eternity unemployed.

What do you think?

- We love it! - (ALL CHEER)

- Excelsior! - Excelsior!

KEY: What's the worst job you ever had?

Worst job I ever had...

(SIGHS) Man.

It sucked working for that coffee shop.

Oh, that barista situation.

Talkin' about barista.

People be coming in for coffee in the morning.

Let me tell you something. They're not happy.

They haven't had their... BOTH: Coffee yet.

Right, right, right.

People are just talkin' about... (CLEARS THROAT AND SIGHS)

Being a barista, it was, like...

It was a meeting of worlds because you had Clarence.

My man was one of them baristas who was from, like, the south side.

- Yeah, yeah. - And then you had, like,

Sarah, who was like... (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) You know, she was like, the... The manager.

The mid... The middle manager.

And she was like, "You guys, we really..."

(SIGHS) "We really need to put the whipped cream can... Canisters

"back where we got them."

(IN NORMAL VOICE) And just,

- I mean, middle managers. - Yeah.

They are killing me.

- Like, they are holding some status over you - (LAUGHS) Yeah.

- That you desperately want their job. - Yeah, yeah.

Like, you want to be like,

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Okay, round up, you guys."

Not the round up. Please, not the...

BOTH: Don't round up.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Let's take a knee, you guys.

"Good job. Good morning,

"but we're really falling behind with cleanliness."

(NORMAL VOICE) And you see these are the motherfuckers that

just always be havin'... smokin' cigarettes outside the back.

- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. - "You want another break?

- "You want another break?" - What are you doin'?

What flavor you got?

Vanilla.

Flavor do you got?

Lemon zinger.

Lemon zinger, like, uh, tea?

Ooh.

- What? - Oh, no.

- What's goin' on? - (SIGHS)

I got that brain freeze.

Oh, man. The fuck you do.

- You ain't got no brain freeze. - Oh...

(SHUDDERS)

Hey, dude, relax. Man, that shit'll pass, man. Calm down.

It ain't passing.

- Ooh. It's intensifying. - What do you mean, "not passin"'?

What do you mean, man? That can't be intensifyin', dog.

(EXHALES)

Come on, man. You say you from the hood, dog.

You actin' weak right now with this brain freeze.

(GROANS) Ow!

Come on. Ain't no brain freeze gonna make you yell like that, man.

Get over... Don't be hittin' your head with the brain freeze. Come on. Hey!

Yo, you goin' silver balls on that?

- Silver balls on a string, kinetic energy. - Please shut up.

- (GROANING) - What's wrong with you?

Come on. Okay, exorcist.

What are you doin' now?

What, you doin' some kung fu? Get over it, man. Listen.

It can't be doin' this much to you.

Listen, man. Don't be a punk ass bitch, man.

Get over the... What, are you afraid now?

You seein' things? You just scared?

Brain freeze making you scared?

(SIGHS) Who are you?

What do you mean, "Who am I?"

You ain't got no Alzheimer's.

- What's wrong with you. - (EXCLAIMING)

You a punk ass bitch. What is this?

You goin' The Three Stooges on this motherfucker.

This is some crazy ass... Oh, you did the hand block.

(GASPING)

You know what, man? You're weak, man.

You a weak-ass motherfucker. That's the problem.

'Cause you're hood...

- Mmm! - Oh, whoa.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo...

Hold up now. Hold up now. Hold up now. Hold up now.

Hold up, man. You will continue to eat the froyo even

on top of the brain freeze?

What are you doin', dog?

Hey, now I'm really startin' to respect you now, man.

If you gonna eat the thing that's causing you the pain?

This is cray. Oh, oh, now it's goin' faster.

He's speedin' up.

He's steerin' into the brain freeze.

This shit is straight crazy right here, dog.

Hey. Real talk, though? Real talk, though? Real talk, though?

I mean, this crazier than the time, man,

that I strangled Benny with my bare hands,

'cause he didn't have my money.

All right. We got him.

Got who?

What?

What? You 5-0?

Stand up slowly.

What?

I can't believe this man. I known you since the 6th grade.

You're under arrest

for the murder of Benny Tacteratrics.

Get him out of here.

Hey, man, you a punk-ass brain-freeze motherfucker.

You goin' to jail for a long time...

(GROANS) I'm in too deep.

(GROANS) I got the brain freeze.

Got caught with the brain freeze.

MAN: Yeah, you got that brain freeze!

Get him out of here.

Do you remember when Catherine Zeta-Jones was in Entrapment?

- Do I remember? - This bitch.

She doing a back bend. And she upside down. And she on the floor.

Going through the lasers.

Going through the laser storm like this?

- Going through the lasers. Do I... - I just want to know...

- Going through the lasers. - I'm gonna watch it, dude.

- Hey, sweetie. - Say what?

Maybe we should go to the movies this weekend.

- You got, uh... - (GIGGLES) Say, who is this?

- Catherine Zeta-Jones. - You know what I'm sayin'?

She was... She, oh...

Do you remember, um, Career Opportunities

when Jennifer Connelly was on that horse?

- Oh. - Talk about like...

You talkin' about things I can't forget now.

- Talkin' about... - (LAUGHS) Shit was...

- That shit was my awakening. - Talk about things...

(BOTH LAUGH)

(SING-SONG) I'm gonna do my one line here

Oh, yeah.