Original subtitles

Wasn't that the turn for our polling station?

Huh, why, no, young man.

Uh, see, we, we know a shorter route

to your, to our democratic polling station.

You know how us democrats like a shortcut,

like government spending to prop up the economy.

There's nothing more we love than those, uh, federal programs.

(CHUCKLES)

You two are democrats, aren't you?

- What? - (BOTH LAUGHING)

Of course, we are.

You see the color of our skin, don't you?

How could we not blindly vote democratic?

I mean, that would be ridiculous.

Whatever. All I know is my polling place closes in 15 minutes.

- Why, that would be terrible. - Awful.

I mean, how are you going to elect tax and spend politicians if you can't vote?

It's hard enough to vote with all those voter ID laws.

- Republicans. - Argh!

- (GROANS) - Those gosh-darn Republicans.

- I know. I'm just like, "Grr!" - Yeah, 10 and two, Douglas.

- Right. - You know what?

If there were any Republicans here, whoa-ho-ho-oh,

- I'd be pissed. - Mmm.

- I'd be royally pissed. - Me too. Me too.

In fact, I would take their hard-fought principles,

and I'd shove it right up their keisters.

Of course, you would.

We seem to be driving in circles.

Uh, don't worry. We're almost there.

- (TIRES SCREECHING) - (GRUNTS)

Look, it appears we've hit somebody.

We should get out and help him.

- Oh! - Oh, my leg!

Oh, my leg.

Oopsy daisy. Oopsy daisy.

PEELE: Here you go.

- I am pissed. - What?

I am royally pissed.

Now, although it was only this one man's fault,

I will be using all of your tax dollars to get healthy.

Thanks to the affordable healthcare act.

I know it doesn't seem fair,

but that's supposedly the law of the land nowadays.

- That's what I've heard. - You don't look that hurt.

Why y'all wearing those same leather jackets and those dad jeans?

- Disperse! - (WOMAN GASPS)

Black Republican motherfuckers!

Crazy crazy

Does is crazy

Make up for adjustment

You jammin' on the verse

First one's planned that you want to do

All I want

But I don't need you

PEELE: If we were criminals on...

(LAUGHING)

On a trip to create mayhem,

what style criminal do you think you would be?

I might try to go that Natural Born Killers situation.

- Yeah, yeah, right. - You know what I mean?

- Well, they were lovers. - I don't mean. No, that's crazy.

They were having sex.

- We wouldn't necessarily do that. - So what do you mean by that?

You know what made me say it?

You said mayhem,

- and they were just wreaking mayhem. - No, but the first thing

that came to your head was a couple...

- But that's... - That murdered people.

But that's not what I was thinking about when I said it.

I was thinking about the fact that they were spreading

mayhem all over the jim-jam.

Dude, what? You're not thinking about it?

It's like, you might as well have said a porn movie.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER POLICE RADIO)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

- It's a weird one. - Yeah.

Nothing out of place, no murder weapon.

And no motive. There's just a couple lying dead in their bed.

The proof is always out there, detectives.

You just have to know where to find the pudding.

Excuse me, sir, you can't be here.

- This is a crime scene. - Samwell, it's okay.

DETECTIVE FERGUSON: He's the greatest sex-crime investigator in history.

- Lf it isn't Detective Chuck Vaughan... - Detective Sally Ferguson.

We could use a genius right now.

Tom Samwell.

What have we got, Samwell?

Well, Vaughan, we've got ourselves a hard case here.

- All we've got is... - Two bodies, both dead, naked.

One man, one woman in the bed,

two scented candles by the nightstand.

- How did you... - Shh.

No sign of forced entry. (CHUCKLES)

He loved the way they smelled.

(DETECTIVE VAUGHAN SNIFFING)

He wanted to cross the threshold the way they had on their wedding day.

(SIGHS) You dirty dog.

(CHUCKLES)

He would've experienced that pleasure right here.

- (PANTS UNZIP) - (GROANING LOUDLY)

Anniversary.

The couple was together for a while, wanted to spice things up.

(SIGHS)

Check the date on the photograph.

(SIGHS) Vaughan's right.

Today was their 15th wedding anniversary. This is huge.

And... What the fuck was that?

You just pulled your dick out and started jerking off at the crime scene.

Samwell, he's the best there is.

By putting himself in the perpetrator's mind-set,

he's able to solve crimes that involve sex.

Bag this up.

Some call it a blessing.

It's more like a curse.

Is that what it feels like?

(SNIFFING)

Threesome.

(SIGHS)

You wanted to see them, didn't you? You wanted to watch.

25 feet from the bedroom, across from the kitchen, you...

(HUFFING)

You didn't want to see their flesh yet, did you?

No. He stood right here.

- (PANTS UNZIP) - (GROANING LOUDLY)

(GRUNTS)

(EXHALES) Role play gone wrong.

Check the logs.

(GASPS)

We've got a bloody fire poker.

We've got our murder weapon.

Um, why do your revelations require masturbation?

Why do kittens require milk?

- Nope, not the same thing. - Hey.

Hey, he's the most brilliant goddamn detective I know.

Put your ego aside and give Vaughan his space.

My ego? We've got Captain Pudpuller flinging his fluids all over the crime scene.

DETECTIVE VAUGHAN: Wait.

He knew them.

He...

They were close, so close, too close.

He, he...

I think he knew the house.

Why?

(SPEAKS SOFTLY) What did you want, you sick bastard?

You wanted to see,

what he saw every day.

Only closer.

Closer.

He was close to home.

(GROANING LOUDLY)

There's our man.

DETECTIVE FERGUSON: All right, let's go get him.

- Go, go! - (MOUTHING) How did you...

Vaughan, that was amazing.

I'm sorry that I doubted you.

Your methods are unorthodox,

but I cannot argue with your results.

(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)

No hard feelings?

- Uh, no, nope, not gonna do that. - Yeah.

KEY: I only got cable, like, in the '90s.

- That's the best time for cable. - Best time for cable, especially on Cinemax.

Cinemax didn't be showing nothing but soft-core porn.

But this is what bugs me about these movies.

- It's an action movie. - Mmm-hmm.

- In the first scene, the wife always dies. - Mmm-hmm.

And then they're reluctant to get into this new relationship

- with this hot, young journalist... - Right, right. (YAWNS)

- Excuse me. - Who's covering the, you know.

- Kumite? - Kumite, thank you.

Mmm-hmm. (LAUGHS)

And it's, to me, it's always an excuse to, like,

live the dream of having two different women, a brunette and a blonde.

Then I, you know, I reluctantly have to have sex with both of them...

With both these gorgeous women, right.

- During this hour and a half. - Right.

- Right, right, right, right, right. - No! My wife died.

KEY: Yeah.

And now this reporter is trying to sleep with me months later.

Right. Right, right, right.

I have to give in.

It's too much.

(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER WALKIE-TALKIE)

Front of house is clear.

MAN 1: Huh? Did you hear that?

MAN 2: Must've been nothing.

Back patio's clear.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

(GRUNTS)

- (GASPS) - Shh.

Now it's my turn to play.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

(GUNS COCKING)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

(GUNS COCKING)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

- Carol. - (GUN COCKS)

(GASPS) Teague!

I thought I killed you the first time, Mr. Teague.

I promise, I will not make the same mistake twice.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(GRUNTS)

You are a good cop, Mr. Teague,

but a lousy fighter.

Ugh! Ah!

Ugh! Ugh! Oh! Ugh!

Ugh! Oh! Ugh! Oh! Ugh!

(GRUNTS)

No! No! Teague!

Oh, snap, Mr. Teague.

(BODY THUDS)

Snap indeed.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Teague, you saved my life.

No, Carol.

You saved mine.

- (BONES CRACK) - Oh.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

(BONES CRACKING)

(SPEAKS SOFTLY) That's just...

(BONES CRACK)

Good evening, my fellow Americans.

With me, as always, is my anger translator, Luther.

- What it do? - Oh.

As you know, for the past six years, uh...

I've received my fair share of criticism from the Republican party.

(SPITS) I can't even give Malia an allowance

without them accusing me of wealth redistribution!

It's all part of rough-and-tumble politics.

I hate you!

Uh, in recent years, I've also received a good amount

of criticism from my fellow democrats.

Oh, my God, these motherfuckers right here.

How am is... Oh.

Do these... I'm gonna get 'em.

I'm gonna get these...

Tell me. I'ma... (GROANS)

Not you, though.

(GROANS)

I'ma bust all you niggas in the lip.

Now, I know.

The right to express one's opinion about the powers that be is the very thing

that makes this country great.

Like I ain't got enough shit to do!

We got a James Bond villain running Russia!

I got a congress full of tea baggers!

The Earth is burning up!

And now I got to deal with all these whiny-ass biotches from my own party!

Some have cited my inability to make good on my campaign promise to, uh,

close Guantanamo Bay.

Congress shut me down!

I'm a president, y'all!

I'm a president, not a king!

They checked and balanced my ass!

I mean, goddamn!

And then there are those on the left who have criticized my continued usage

of drone strikes.

You know what?

Y'all can't have it both ways, man!

What do you, you can't have the soldiers coming home

hugging the moms and then also at the same time

have me killing, with the... In the caves!

Y'all should be embracing this technology

'cause it's pretty amazing, man.

It's awesome. All you got to do is pick up the phone

and say, "Excuse me, I'd like to order two dead terrorists."

Blip. Kablam!

- Luther. - It's amazing!

I mean, we can murder people with flying robots!

- Luther, Luther... - It's like we in Star Wars world, dog.

And I'm Darth Vader up in this bitch.

- I'm like... - I know you are.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER COMING FROM DRONE)

Luther, what is wrong in your head?

Why would you compare the president to one of the Lords of the Sith?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Thank you and good night.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER COMING FROM DRONE)

If Obama needed to snuggle, I'd snuggle.

Yeah, I'd spoon the president in a second.

- You would get spooned by the president. - Uh-oh.

You can't, you can't risk paparazzi coming up and seeing you spooning him.

Yeah, but that'd be a boost for my career.

- (LAUGHS) Any of this, any moment. - In any configuration,

spoon, spooner, or spoonee...

- You're gonna be... - I'm in good shape.

You're like a modern-day Marilyn Monroe.

Oh, hell, yeah. I'm on the cover of In Touch

- for a week. - Talk about happy birthday, Mr. President.

Yeah, I'm in just, (SNORTS) you kidding me?

Get up in there and get some slippers on.

- Play a little basketball beforehand. - Mmm-hmm.

Take a shower.

Put on the night clothes.

You ready, O? You ready, Barama?

- Barama. - (BOTH LAUGHING)

So you got to keep the toppings full.

Okay, got it. I'm on top of that.

You gonna fit in just fine here.

Hey, someday that might be your picture on the wall.

Oh, employee of the year.

When does she work?

What?

I was just wondering when she works.

Girl, it's me.

Oh...

Congrats.

Now, here's the best part about working at a yogurt shop,

- is you get all the free froyo you want. - Mmm-hmm.

And you can't believe how delicious it is and also fat free.

Thank God, because my boyfriend, he just got back from his tour in Afghanistan,

and he's coming here to pick me up.

He should be here in a minute. I haven't seen him in a year.

A whole year, you say.

LATIYA: Mmm-hmm. Have some.

I'm good.

Now, if you need an extra shirt or anything,

they gonna be in there, because these seem to shrink.

- Uh-huh. - Okay, you know what, girl?

I can't get enough of this stuff.

I mean, you should have some. It's free.

No, I'm okay. I'm, I'll have some later.

Come on, girl, it's fat free.

Hi. I just got back from Afghanistan.

I'm here looking for my girlfriend, Latiya.

Aah!

Baby!

Baby, what, what? It's me.

(STAMMERS) No, it's not.

What? It's me.

Apparently, she doesn't work here anymore.

Thanks.

What?

Oh, my God! He's leaving me!

Desmona, is he leaving me? Desmona, why would he leave me?

What, what possible reason could there be for him leaving me?

For him leaving me?

Maybe he, maybe he got that PSD. PSD.

- What? Oh, you mean the PTSDS? - The PTSDS.

You mean, the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?

- (CRYING) It's got to be that. - It's got to be that.

Oh, my God! My baby got the PTSD!

My baby got the PTSD! That could be the only reason!

Oh, my baby!

My poor, poor baby got the PTSDS!

Oh, my baby!

(CRYING)

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

KEY: Ain't nobody caring about centaurs.

These dudes just running around raping women.

- Centaurs? - Human women.

Oh, yeah, them too. They were bad at it.

How does a centaur even have sex with a human?

Oh, they do it.

If I was a woman and I saw a centaur...

- Oh, I thought... ...why would I not get up on that?

The dude is half man, half horse.

You would want... Wait.

- I'm just saying... - You're saying, if you were a woman...

If I'm a woman and the centaur had a really nice personality, you know...

Personality aside, what are you saying?

You know exactly what I'm saying.

- The dude is half man. - You would fuck a horse.

Half, no. Half man, half horse.

- So you're saying you want to have sex - The important half...

- with a... ...is a, is the horse half,

but then you have a man connected in there too.

- That's all I'm saying. - Dude, that is the craziest, sickest shit

- you've ever said in your fucking life. - I'm talking about a mythological creature.

Dude, you could've said, "I would have sex with a female centaur,"

- and just left... - I wouldn't. I wouldn't have sex

- with a female centaur. - But you would have sex

with a male centaur.

If I, perhaps if I was a woman and I had that...

- Didn't you see Fantasia? - Yeah.

- Those female centaurs was hot. - Oh, my God.

- I... - But, okay, no, I got you.

- No, but I'm just saying... - You would rather have sex

- with a male centaur than a female centaur. - Not me.

I'm gonna do my one line here

MAN: Oh, yeah.

(GROANING)

(LAUGHS)

(WAILING)