Original subtitles

Okay. I understand this is your first professional massage?

- Oh, that's right. Mm-hmm. - Okay.

I want to make you aware of some things that may or may not happen,

but there's no need to feel embarrassed if they do.

Okay.

- Things such as crying. - Really?

Mmm, oh, yes.

Massage can release pent up emotions.

- Hmm. - Also,

not uncommon is the release of gas.

- Like farting? - That's right, like farting.

- Also, erections. - Really?

- Yeah. - I didn't know that.

Let's get started. (CLEARS THROAT)

(EXHALES)

(CRYING)

(FARTS)

Well, at least you didn't get a...

There it is.

Crazy crazy

Does is crazy

Make up for adjustment

You jammin' on the verse

First one's planned that you want to do

All I want

But I don't need you

PEELE: So, what's the craziest biblical name?

One of the best names in the Bible is Nimrod.

- Mmm. - Don't think that didn't come from the Bible.

And what, is that the character that just, like, fucked up?

No, you know what? Nimrod, Nimrod is...

(LAUGHS) Nimrod is a mighty warrior.

There's a high school basketball team in northern Michigan called The Nimrods.

Can you imagine having to be like,

"Who a Nimrod? We Nimrods!"

(LAUGHING)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

(PLAYERS YELLING)

Here we come, son. Here we come.

(SHOUTING) Hut!

(EPIC THEATRICAL MUSIC)

(HIGH PITCHED TONE)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

- PLAYER: Man, you feeling all right? - QUARTERBACK: Yeah, I'm fine, man!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Let's go, let's go!

- Come on! - Let's go, man!

Man, what are we doing out there?

What are we doing out there, huh?

Because I don't know.

No, seriously, what... What are we doing?

What... What are we doing?

- Playing football? - Okay, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's it, man. Playing football, yeah?

Yo, Exquisite T.

You need to let the medics take a look at you, man.

Dude, I'm all right, man. I'm fine.

Shoot. Hey.

I'm here,

and I'm ready to do this, man.

- All right. - What about you all, man?

- Do you want this? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Do you want this?

ALL: Yeah!

- Do you want this? - Yeah!

- Do you want this? - Yeah!

I mean, all you had to do was ask, man.

- There's plenty of apple pie to go around. - Oh, apple pie.

You want some apple pie, brother? Come on, man.

Who want a slice?

Yo, Exquisite T, ain't no apple pie, man.

- That's your helmet. - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Dog, dog, dog, maybe you should just sit out the next play.

- Sit out the next play? - Yeah.

- Are you gonna sit out the next play? - Nah.

You gonna sit out the next play? I didn't think so.

I don't need to sit out the next play, and I'm gonna tell you why.

'Cause all y'all.

'Cause I know y'all got my back.

Y'all know what I see when I look at you?

I'm a tell you what I see.

- Grown men... - Yeah, yeah.

- Who look like giants... - Yeah.

- With really big shoulders... - Yeah!

- Who are wearing short pants. - What?

And just right there, a few seconds of complete darkness,

and then I saw some little floaty specks of light.

In the air, up like that.

- Exquisite T. - Who is that?

- Is that cartoon squirrel talking to me? - Yeah.

Cartoon squirrel, where you at?

- I'm here, man. - Oh, yes.

You have a brain injury.

You need to get some medical attention.

Hey, I'm gonna tell you right now, cartoon squirrel,

who needs some medical attention is the Cougars over there.

- Dog, dog, dog. - What, what?

- We're playing The Bruisers. - Right, okay.

- Bruisers. - Okay. Listen, y'all.

We need to remember who we are, okay?

We're the team of destiny this year.

We're the team everybody talking about.

We're the team everybody afraid of, man.

We got to remember who we are.

- Who are we? - Rhinos.

- Who are we? - The Rhinos.

- Who are we? - Rhinos!

- Who are we? - Rhinos!

- Who are we? - Rhinos.

- Who are we? - Rhinos.

- Are we The Rhinos? - Yeah!

Oh, my God.

- Somebody stole our horns. - (GROANING)

- We got to find our horns, y'all. - Oh, fuck it.

- What the fuck? - Where the horns at?

(MONITORS BEEPING)

WOMAN (ON PA): Dr. Forrest, dial 182, please.

Dr. Forrest, please dial...

(SIGHS)

- Don? - Yes, I'm here.

Promise you'll never forget about me.

(SIGHS) Yes.

Of course.

Promise me you'll take care of our little girl.

And love her.

(SHAKILY) Yes, with all my heart.

Promise me you'll stay strong for her.

(SOBBING)

Yes, yes.

I promise.

And promise me you'll never sleep with another woman.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

(SOFTLY) I hear you.

Promise me you'll take care of Mr. Big Fluffy Tail?

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, done.

That cat will be the most loved cat in the world.

And that you won't look at porn.

(QUIET GROAN)

- Ahh. - Huh?

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Is that yes?

Checky, checky, checky, checky, chickety, chickety.

Chickety check.

No pornography.

Buster Brown says what?

Is that a yes?

(SPEAKING SLOWLY) You better believe I heard what you said, girl.

- You love me, right? - Yes, I love you. Yes.

- And we're soul mates, right? - Yes.

So, you will never, ever, ever

think of someone else while masturbating, right?

(ROBOTIC VOICE) Message received.

I don't understand. Is that a yes?

Yo comprende.

Is that a promise?

(GOOFY VOICE) Your request has been filed.

Say you promise.

Forget about,

huh?

Huh?

- I need to hear you say it. - It.

I... No, say, "I pro...

- "I promise." - You promise.

You... You promise.

Say it.

- Okay, "I promise." - No air quotes.

(SINGING) Promises are things that mothers

Say it, say it!

I promise, I promise.

What are you promising?

(LOW TONE) I promise what you said.

(SIGHS) Fine, forget it.

Yes. I mean, okay.

Will you at least promise to go see my mom every day?

So, zero pornography? Done.

I like that.

(SHOUTING) Nurse?

Fix my wife!

(CRYING)

Don't touch me right now.

I'm just... It's not all about you.

KEY: I got to go to the bathroom, like, like, right quick, though.

Give me that... Give me that bottle, here.

I'm kidding. (SNICKERING)

Do you know anybody who's done that? Ever done that?

Um, what, peed in a bottle?

- Yeah. - Probably.

I have a family member.

One time, who had some dysentery situations.

- Oh, no. - And we were out in the middle, like, in,

it looked like this.

- And this person... - He had dysentery out here?

- Now, I didn't say it was a he. - Oh.

- I'm just saying a member of my family. - (CHUCKLING)

This person had to go to the bathroom.

We're out in the middle of the desert.

We didn't have anything for this person to go to the bathroom in.

Nigga, there was an empty...

Country Crock.

(LAUGHING) Country Crock.

- Oh, no. - There was for real.

- In real life an empty Country Crock. - This person left the car?

- They left the car? - They left the car.

But you were in the desert, so somebody could have just gone...

They didn't have to really.

They didn't have to.

- And then left it? - But it was so apropos.

- (LAUGHING) - Come on, man. Country Crock?

- How could we not use that? - (COUGHS)

KEY: Oh, shit, I'm gonna piss myself.

Okay, so, okay, but check this out, okay?

So, this one time in college, man, I was straight kicking game.

To this beautiful chick, Diana, man?

And the... It's a house party, and so anyway,

I go to the kitchen to grab us a couple of beers, man.

I kid you not, I slipped on a banana peel.

- (LAUGHING) - A banana peel. It was like this.

I was like... Man, I just fell on my ass. I just busted my ass.

A banana peel?

Like I was Buster Keaton or something.

I was like... Poo!

(ALL LAUGHING)

It's, uh...

Yo... Yo, dog, you good?

Yeah, man, uh, what are you doing?

(GRUFFLY) What, me?

It was a funny story. I was laughing.

Then let it out, man. Just... Just laugh.

I am.

Yeah, so, anyway, you know, so I get up, right?

And I go to grab a beer,

and I forget they all was shooken up when they fell, right?

I kid you not, this beer exploded in my crotch.

And it looked like I peed myself.

- (LAUGHING) - And now I'm trying to walk, but my pants...

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Come on, what are we doing?

- Don't hit... - Don't hit my couch, Laron.

What?

Come on, yo. I'm just laughing with y'all.

Well, we were laughing.

You weren't... You didn't, you know, make any noise.

You just opened your mouth, and you started jiggling.

- You looked like a worm on crack. - Mm-hmm.

I guess everybody just has their own unique laugh.

Okay, man, you were not laughing.

You were not emitting sound up out your mouth, man.

Hey, I'm good.

Tell your story.

Thank you. Okay, so, anyway,

I went back to the kitchen to get two fresh beers,

and she said,

"I hate beer, but where did my banana go?"

And so then we called her Chiquita Diana.

- There he goes. - Yeah.

Laron, don't back up. Hey.

- Come on, man. - Cut it out, Laron.

Hey, get away from the turtles.

Laron, don't do this, just don't touch my tur...

Nigga, get away from it.

- Why you knocking down my CDs? - Damn.

What? Okay, you put a lampshade on your head?

- Why would you do that? Hey. - Come on.

- Come on, those are priceless. - Okay, you know what?

Now it seem like you doing it intentionally, now.

All right, see? That's not even... You know,

it's almost like you choreographed it.

- You're gonna clean all this up. - Okay.

Look, hey, if you're gonna laugh, then just laugh!

Damn!

Maybe sometimes,

you ain't as funny as you think.

- (EXHALES) - All right.

I got something that'll make you laugh.

- Huh? Pow, huh? - Yeah, just let it out.

- There you go, Laron. - Huh, that's funny.

- That's it, man. Just let it out, dawg. - Uh-oh.

- That's funny, huh? - There you go, man.

- Oh! He went backwards. - Come on, buddy. Just laugh, man.

Just laugh, man, just laugh. You know that's funny.

- That's funny! - Why won't you laugh?

- Come on, just let it out. - Just laugh, brother.

- Come on, man. - It's a robot.

- Oh, man, look, look, look. - Oh, oh, oh, oh, boop.

(LAUGHING) Boop.

Let it out, let it out!

(SCREECHING ROAR)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ROARING CONTINUES)

- (PANTING) - See, that's why I didn't want to laugh.

Have a good life.

Do you remember the first time that you had a, like...

Nocturnal emission?

- Or a, even a... - Okay, no, that's...

I was gonna say, like, a good, really good sandwich.

But a nocturnal emission.

- A wet dream, let's go. - Is that what you were...

You were gonna say sandwich?

Yeah, I was gonna say, yeah, when was the last time...

The first time you had a really great sandwich?

You talk about wet dreams.

- No, wait a minute. - Do you remember the first time

you had a wet dream about a sandwich?

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

- 'Cause I do. - 1987.

(LAUGHS) 1987.

Zdravo, welcome. Welcome.

Sit anywhere you like. Sit here.

Sit here, in the other one. You want to sit right here.

That's a good lady. Yes, all right.

- First time? - First time?

- First time? - Is the first time?

- First time? - First time? First time for you?

- First time? - Yes.

All right!

- Then dobro, dobro, good, all right. - (SIGHS)

So what's good?

Oh, well, I tell you right...

You have to have the kebapi.

Kebapi is what you are going to have, okay?

Oh, don't they serve that in the cafe across the street?

No!

You cannot get the kebapi

at the cafe across the street!

(YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(PANS CLATTERING)

- What? What did I say? - (YELLING CONTINUES)

Across the street is Albanian.

This cafe, Macedonian.

Macedonian.

(SOFTLY) My friends,

I like to apologize for the behavior of my passion.

I just feel bad in my brain for people to think

that your mouths will have been raped by the food

that they serving at this Albanian mother of bitches.

This mother bitches, sons of my bitch across the street,

what they be serving is cevapi.

And... And what do you serve here?

- We serve the kebapi. - Kebapi.

- Kebapi. - Kebapi.

- Kebapi. - Kebapi.

- Ke... Ba... Pi. - Kebapi.

- Kebapi. - No, look at mouth.

- Ke... - Ke...

- Ba... - Ba...

- Pi. - Pi.

- Bapi. - Bapi.

- Kebapi. Kebapi. - Kebapi. Kebapi.

- Kebapi. - Kebapi.

Now you know why you're getting it.

- Kebapi. - Kebapi.

- Kebapi. - You got it.

- You finally did it, perfect. - Kebapi.

What is the difference between kebapi and cevapi?

But they don't know.

No.

I have to forgive them, right?

It does seem they're nice, Abud.

For the bastard mother bitches over there

that are serving the cevapi...

- Uh-huh. - Put in the grilled meat,

salt, chopped red pepper, diced onion,

cream, kajmak, ajvar,

then the cottage cheese.

(LAUGHS)

- (LAUGHS) - But, and, so what... What do you serve?

We serve the kebapi.

And we put in the cottage cheese, the ajvar,

the kajmak, the cream, you know?

Then it's the diced onions...

It sounds exactly like...

Chopped pepper, and then the grilled meat.

Then the grilled meat.

And then we stir it.

And across the street, they do...

(SCREAMING) Those mother bitches over there, they mix it!

The sons of mother, mother sons of liar!

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I don't know what that's supposed to mean.

(CONTINUES SHOUTING)

- Oh, my God! - I show you!

I'm gonna show you!

We are here. They are there.

We are here, they are there.

Here, there, here, there.

- Here, there, here. - No, stop.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

- Good decision, my friends. - Yes, yes, yes.

Now, it is time for you to try the real good food,

not what this son of my bitches

serve across the street.

- Um, McDonalds? - Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Make sure to give us the five stars on Yelp!

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SCREAMING) Where is he?

- Stanley. - Huh?

What's going on?

Oh, come on, I know you've been cheating on me.

You're being ridiculous.

Andrea, enough is enough.

I know you have been fucking a dog behind my back.

What?

A dog? A dog?

That is insane.

Then why did I find this in the laundry room, huh?

(DOG BARKS)

Oh, my God, he's here right now, isn't he?

He's in my house right now!

- Wait, Stanley, no! Wait! - (GROWLING)

(GROWLS)

It was you! (SCREAMING)

(GASPS)

You should... Ow! What ha...

- Aah! - (DOG GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

(DOG YIPPING)

Aah!

(SCREAMING)

(DOG GROWLING)

(GRUNTING)

(MOUTHING INAUDIBLY) Go.

Come here.

(DOG WHINING)

Oh.

I see.

You...

Need to know...

Your dog ruined a ten year marriage.

(DOG WHIMPERS)

And you can go to hell.

No, he's cute, he's cute. I can see why you like him.

KEY: Who was the first girl you kissed?

- KEY: You got to know that. - PEELE: First girl I kissed?

I shouldn't ask names. I just don't want to...

No, it was, it was, it was... I was, like, five.

She was six. It was crazy.

- Turbulent relationship? - It was moving too fast.

- I ended up with cooties. - Oh, no.

- It was terminal. - Oh, boy.

Still have it.

I'm fighting a sustained cooties infection.

Infection, yeah.

- Kebapi. Kebapi. - Kebapi. Kebapi.

- Kebapi. Kebapi. - Kebapi. Kebapi.

That's close enough for you to do it, kebapi.

- Kebapi. - Kebapi.

- Kebapi. - It's kebapi.

- Kebapi. Kebapi. - Kebapi. Kebapi.

- Kebapi. - Kebapi.