Original subtitles

Thank you, Daniella. That'll be all.

- Hey there, Tim. - Hey.

- Just slide that on there. - Mmm-hmm.

Turn the gas on here.

I need you to count backwards from five,

and then you will be off to the races.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Hey, Doc, I don't think that this gas is...

Well, it was fun being a dentist.

Crazy crazy

Does is crazy

Make up for adjustment

You jammin' on the verse

First one's planned that you want to do

All I want

But I don't need you

KEY: The most exciting part about hitting a home run, to me,

is always, "Is it gonna get out of the park?"

- So you hit them? - Oh, no, no, not... No, no, no.

I did not have a very illustrious little league career.

- Little league's tough, man. - Like, it's... It is.

And I was not good at it. I got one hit my whole career,

and it was for the other team.

(CHUCKLES)

- They didn't have enough players. - (LAUGHS)

Last game of the season, they had... They're like, "Key,

- "go over to the other team." - Oh, my God.

The reason I got the hit is because I hit the ball,

and nobody was ready, 'cause I've never hit the ball before.

It's crazy that we put our kids

in this sport where they get all singled out.

- I mean, that's... - Well, yeah, that sport, too.

It's all about the performance right there at the plate.

You swing, and swing, and swing, and miss,

and miss, and miss, and miss,

- and keep missing. - Yeah.

Always missing, missing.

Always. Never hit the ball.

What's wrong with me? What's...

Have you never hit the... Have you ever hit the ball?

I've hit many a ball.

Hey, hey, come on. Good game. Slap-ass, man.

Slap-ass!

Slap-ass! Slap-ass!

Whoo! Hey, Garcia.

Get him up out of here! Get out of the locker room!

You get out of the locker room. Ahora!

Ahh, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass.

- Whoo. - Good game, guys, way to go.

Good hit, Garcia.

Hey! Oh, you don't... Hey, hey, hey, hey, knock it off.

You can't do that. Guys, guys, guys.

Please know,

Rafi just got out of treatment, remember?

We don't want to trigger him with any slap-ass.

Hey!

What the fuck is going on here?

Why are we all acting like the funeral in here?

No, nothing, Rafi, heh.

You just caught us in the lull in the conversation, man.

- We're happy. - ALL: Yeah!

- Yay! - We're happy here.

I was a little afraid for a second,

'cause, I mean, that was a good game, huh?

- Good game. - Yeah, good game.

All right. Hey, good game.

Good game, man.

Good game.

Okay.

There's a elefante in the room.

You know, I want to talk about it.

Sي, I had a problem.

It was bad.

At my lowest point,

I would sneak into a horse's stable.

When you find yourself at 1:00 a.m. In the morning

with your hand in the air

and a horse's ass

in front of your face,

that's when you know it's bad.

Oh, Rafi.

But I'm okay now.

I'm all better, guys, honestly.

Just treat me like I'm normal, okay?

- Okay, Rafi. - Let's have some fun.

- Okay, Rafi. - It's a game.

- It's baseball. - MAN: Hey, all right.

- You fucking guys. - MAN: It's a good game.

Garcia,

you can pick up your glove.

(WHISPERING) Come on, pick up your glove.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, what I told you, huh?

It's just normal, guys. Come on.

You see, I'm fine. I'm all better now.

You guys can do the normal stuff.

Be yourselves. Bend things over.

Pick things up.

You know, do your stretches.

Touch your toes, you stupid fuckers.

(WHISTLES) Excuse, por favor.

Hola, amigos.

My name is Ruben.

I just came over from the Braves' farm team.

I'm from the Dominican Republic.

- Hey. - Oh.

We're all from the Dominican Republic.

- Yeah. - I'm really excited

to be working and playing with you all.

- Go, Rhinos. - ALL: Go, Rhinos.

- All right. - Go, Rhinos!

- All right. - Whoo.

RAFl: That's the kind of spirit I like to see there, Ruben.

All right, welcome to the squad, man.

- Thank you. - It's good to see another...

- RUBEN: All right. - Muy bueno.

RUBEN: All right.

We gonna need a bigger boat.

RUBEN: Whoo.

Oh, they, uh...

Really put your locker right next to my locker, huh?

I guess so.

- Yeah. - You got this, man.

You're just spending an awful lot

of time down there, you know?

Hey, I have a lot of stuff.

- Yeah. - A lot.

I see that.

Rafi, you can do this.

Oh, my goodness.

You okay there, buddy?

You're not looking too good.

I am feeling a bit flushed.

You know, I got a good feeling about you.

Maybe we could be good friends, maybe even the best of friends.

Maybe another time.

Another place.

But not here.

Not now.

Well, either way,

we're teammates,

and so, anything I can do for you,

- ask away. Eh. - Got it.

- Okay. - Go, Rhinos!

- Okay. - Yeah! Uh!

(GASPS) Oh, no.

No, Rafi!

- RAFl: Slap-ass! - Rafi, no!

I want to slap-ass! I want to slap it!

- No, you cannot play slap-ass. - Yes, I want to slap it.

You cannot play slap-ass.

You can't keep me from slap-ass.

- You cannot have the slap-ass. - I need to slap it.

- You cannot have the slap-ass! - Yes, yes, I can have it.

No slap-ass.

- No slap-ass. - Yes, slap-ass.

- No slap-ass. - Slap-ass...

No slap-ass.

BOTH: No slap-ass.

- That's what I want to hear. - I am so excited.

- I am so excited. - I know it's a big ass.

- I'm so, so scared. - I know.

I know.

Thank you, Garcia.

It was just too hard to resist.

Okay.

Are you okay?

- I'm okay. - Okay.

Okay.

Hey, guys.

You know maybe after a game victory

we could all go dancing, right? Huh?

Bop, ba-bop, ba-bop, ba-bop, ba-bop, ba-bop.

(IN SLOW MOTION) Ba-bop, ba-bop, ba-bop, ba-bop,

ba-bop, ba-bop, ba-bop, ba-bop,

ba-bop, ba-bop, ba-bop, ba-bop.

(IN SLOW MOTION) No!

(IN SLOW MOTION) Slap-ass!

PEELE: Dude, I just want to say, like, we did it, man.

It's smooth sailing from here.

In Hollywood, me and you...

We're never gonna not work another day in our life.

- It's like... - We're gonna get

every role we ever wanted.

We're never gonna get guff from a director.

We'll give directors guff.

- I'm gonna be the guff master. - I'm gonna, I'm gonna say,

"You're never gonna work in this town again."

- To the director? - To the fucking director.

- Bravo. - "Mr. Nolan."

- Yeah, exactly. - In their face.

- Exactly. - "I'm sorry,

"Ridley bidly bobbly boop Scott,

"You're a fucking ignoramus."

- "Cameron, you motherfucker." - (LAUGHS)

"Why don't you go hang out in the trees

- "with your blue people?" - Yeah.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Spielberg."

- Look, scoop the news. - "You get on set."

(LAUGHS)

REGINALD: You... Let me through.

This is bullshit, Gene.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. What's the matter, Rich?

In the next episode

Steve Urkel turns Carl into a giant sandwich

and accidentally eats him?

Ha-ha, but wait, that's hilarious, buddy.

- It's hilarious. - Come on!

I'm an actor, Gene!

This was supposed to be about me and my family.

I know, but you know, after that...

After that first guest spot with Steve Urkel,

I mean, America fell in love with him, man.

We had to make him a regular, and now, you know...

Hey, listen, he's the star of the show now, sweetheart.

We gotta play ball, bubbeleh.

Don't you dare "bubbeleh" me, Gene.

Now, last week, Steve used his transformation machine

to turn Carl into a car

and drive him around the Monaco Grand Prix?

Come on! How many times you gonna use this transformation machine?

This was supposed to be a blue collar Cosby Show.

Now you're turning it into goddamn Quantum Leap.

Who writes this shit?

Okay, I couldn't tell you even if I wanted to, okay, man?

We got, like, 21 writers up there, okay?

Know what I'm saying, Reginald?

But you and I both know that they don't decide

what happens in this show, okay?

We both know who decides what happens in the show.

Two weeks ago, Steve Urkel used his invisibility ray on Carl

and I wasn't even in the goddamn episode.

- It was just my voice. - Yes, I know.

I know, Reginald. I'm sorry.

I fucking apologize. It'll never happen again.

Then Steve used his voice-changing ray to turn Carl

into a high-pitched, nerdy voice.

Who do you think provided the voice for that?

Don't get too feisty on me now, Reg.

Let's not go down that path, okay?

Oh, oh, we are going down that path, Gene.

In a couple of weeks, Harriette, Eddie, Laura, grandma,

Aunt Rachel, Little Richie, and the other little kid

are gonna get teleported to another dimension,

and then Steve injects Carl with his own DNA,

so Carl turns into another Steve Urkel.

That's two Steve Urkels and no family

on a show called Family Matters.

(SHOUTS) How the fuck does that work?

Listen, Reginald. I don't know what to tell you.

Urkel mania is unstoppable, okay?

He's a phenomenon.

There's nothing we can do about it, okay?

It's up to S...

- Him. - No, no, no, no, no!

I'm an actor. I'm a fucking actor.

I am a real actor. I did Richard III.

I was in True West with Sherman Hemsley.

I was in Die Hard, damn it.

Fuck Steve Urkel!

Fuck... You will suck

Steve Urkel's dick if he wants you to!

You will suck his fucking dick, do you understand?

He is our bread and butter, you motherfucker!

- I am high on cocaine! - I'm a fucking actor, Gene!

I done more cocaine than you weigh, motherfucker!

I'm gonna tell you what you are, Reginald Veljohnson.

You're a fucking pawn in that nerd's game.

You are a fucking pawn!

Do you think I have any power over what that monster does?

- Any power at all? - Ahh!

I am the Senior Vice President of Development

for the American Bro...

Gene? Gene?

Gene, what's become of you, Gene?

I am nothing.

Gene, I don't know what you mean by that, Gene,

but you're scaring me.

Oh, no, don't, don't, don't do anything crazy, Gene.

Everyone does too much coke sometimes,

but do they just... What are you gonna do with the gun, Gene?

What are you gonna do? Don't... No, no, no, no, no, no.

We can talk this through.

- Okay? - The King is dead.

Long live the King.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

(REGINALD GASPING)

Did I do that?

- Jaleel. - Jaleel?

There is no Jaleel. Only Steve.

It's always been Steve.

- Yippie ki-yay, motherfucker! - (GUN CLICKING)

Forgetting something, Carl?

Don't you come near me.

Stay away from me, you hear?

Could have all been so simple, Carl.

Just say your lines and take the money.

You're a monster.

What are you doing?

(STAMMERS) I can't control...

Am I doing this?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Steve, I'll do anything.

You will do what I want on Family Matters.

Yes, yes. Of course, Steve.

See you on set, Carl.

Get out of my house, Steve!

PEELE: You like your wines. KEY: I do enjoy wines.

- You like your wines. - I do like liquor.

- I like my beers. - It never fails

to see you at a party with the beer situation.

- I like it a lot. - Mmm-hmm.

I like to get, I like to get a little aerations on.

Maybe the sniffles. Get the...

- That's... Wait, wait, wait. - That's a whole lot...

Show me again. What is... How do you drink wine?

You want to aerate it, want to... You want to swirl it

around in the glass. Let the oxygen go in there.

- Let the oxygen in. - And you're gonna give it

a little... Check that bouquet. You can get cherries in there,

- ashtray, gasoline... - Ashtray?

- Strawberries, pears... - I'm sorry, back it up.

- Did you say ashtray? - Ashtray, gasoline.

- Ashtray, gasoline... - Disgusting.

- Wide open ass... - I'm pretty sure...

Sometimes you get those smells in there,

and you're just going, "Mmm." Now that isn't...

That doesn't preclude the taste.

- The taste may be good, still. - But then, dude, that's...

- When you sip it, then you... - Then you sip it.

Then you go...

'Cause you want the air...

I just put the glass down.

Why did you put the glass... But that's not a real glass.

You want to put air...

Suck in air over the wine

while the wine is resting on your tongue.

- But you look like an idiot. - I know, man.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(EXHALES)

This place is so nice.

This is supposed to be one of the best French places in town.

Mmm, I did not realize that you were so cultured.

You're sweet.

My French is pretty good,

so I can order for both of us.

- Ooh. Well, well, well. - Lf you'd like.

Bonjour.

Welcome to Chez de la Notre Vendre,

I am your waiter for this evening.

My name is Jean-Luc de la Pierre-Renault,

but you may call me Jean.

Bonjour, Jean.

Ooh, look at you.

If you have any questions about anything at all,

I am more than happy to assist you, to assist.

Jean? I got it.

- Merci beaucoup. - Tres bien.

Well, our first special tonight is our Poisson du Jour.

It's a loup de mer plus (SPEAKING FRENCH),

served with a (SPEAKING FRENCH),

that is served on a bed of (SPEAKING FRENCH),

and also served with (SPEAKING FRENCH),

and (SPEAKING FRENCH).

- Mmm. Yum. - Mmm.

Our soup today is a (SPEAKING FRENCH),

with a, just a dash of (SPEAKING FRENCH),

and served with melted (SPEAKING FRENCH).

- Soup. - Yeah.

JEAN: Our other seafood today,

we have a very nice (SPEAKING FRENCH),

from the (SPEAKING FRENCH), valley in (SPEAKING FRENCH),

it is served with a side of (SPEAKING FRENCH),

(SPEAKING FRENCH) sauce.

Man, it's just, I'm a little bit overwhelmed.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, yes.

Oh, God, I'm so glad you said that.

I was about to say the same thing.

So you would recommend getting the (SPEAKING FRENCH)

With the, um... Ooh, I'm sorry,

is the (SPEAKING FRENCH)

- In a heavy (SPEAKING FRENCH) sauce? - JEAN: Oh, no, no, no.

It's more like a (SPEAKING FRENCH) sauce.

What do you think?

I'm gonna defer to him on this one,

because he knows this stuff way better than I do.

Oh, yes. Monsieur?

What?

Um, yeah. We're, we'll have the...

(EXHALES) Swund... Uh,

the...

(NASAL HONKING)

I'm...

Shhnn.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

We'll try the fleur...

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

It's been nice knowing you. Have a lovely dinner.

Thank youse for meeting me here.

Of course, you know,

just glad we could set aside our differences

and, you know, avoid a war here.

- Salud. - All right. Salud.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Anthony!

Nah, don't do that.

We're trying to avoid a war here.

No, Anthony.

No.

That's too much. What are you doing?

We're just having a nice little dinner here, all right.

Well, that's just disrespectful.

The... Oh, no, not his hair.

Anthony, he had good hair.

Yeah, you're done. You already messed things up.

What is... What's going... What are you doing now?

His phone? No.

Oh, no, don't go deleting his contacts.

He's not going to know whether to answer it or not.

You finished now? That's, that's good.

Look what you did. Now, we were in the middle

of something, and now... What are...

What's going on here? What are you doing?

Oh, that's permanent.

That's a permanent silly mustache.

Ah, now he looks like a sleeping musketeer.

That's adorable, but it's ridiculous.

He can't, he can hardly wash that off.

Well, that's... Where you going?

What is that? Now with the...

What are you doing?

What are you putting in his hand?

That doesn't even make sense here.

That doesn't even make sense.

Oh, oh, Anthony!

Oh, that's hilarious, but save that for a slumber party.

All right, what are you...

Oh, you're rearranging the silverware.

That's just so mean. That's... It's confusing.

It's confusing enough, what with the...

Anthony. Anthony, don't do it.

Oh, well, you know, the salad needed a little pepper,

so that's good. So that's... That's not so bad.

You finally did something constructive.

What are you looking for? What are you...

You're putting the silverware back.

That's good. Well, that's all... That's good.

Now he knows he can go from outside to inside.

That's... Oh, you're putting a little jus in his hair.

That's good, yeah, jus it.

Jus it... Oh, now, well, that...

It actually looks better than when he came in.

If he wasn't unconscious, he could go out on the town,

so that's good. That's good.

Oh, okay, you got, all right, wipe off, wipe off his face.

Yeah, yeah, and get the mustache while you're at it,

'cause that's the most embarrassing part.

Ah, he doesn't look ridiculous anymore.

Oh, okay, yeah, that's, that's...

Now you're helping everybody.

That's good for everybody. Everybody likes that.

Nobody wants lettuce on the floor.

- Spick-and-fucking-span. - All right, we done?

All right, you really turned this around, Anthony.

There he... All right, and then you're gone, then.

All right, all right, he won't even know what hit him.

He won't even know that any...

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. Anthony.

Anthony, I can see it in your eyes.

I can see it in your eyes.

You're going the other way now, Anthony.

Anthony, it was going so well.

Well that's... That's...

That's perverse, Anthony. I don't even know what that is.

That... What's that? What are you going to do

with that finger? What are doing... Oh!

Yeah, no. Not a wet willy.

No! No, Anthony.

Oh, we're going to war, Anthony.

We're going to war.

We're going to war.

Can you imagine if we had to hunt?

Oh, we'd die.

- We would die. - We would starve to death.

We would, I mean my...

It's not even... No two doubts about it.

These motherfuckers shot rabbits with bows and arrows.

- Mmm-hmm. - Nigga, I can't hit

toilet water with my own pee.

I'm gonna do my one line here

MAN: Oh, yeah.

- It's up to him. - I just read an outline...

Where the fuck did you get it?

Where Carl puts on a Scrooge night gown,

and Urkel mistakes him for a woman and tries to seduce him.

It's not even a Christmas episode, Gene.

Damn it! That's not comedy!

- I don't even know what that is. - Hey!