Original subtitles

Excuse me, sir. Do you have a moment

- to save the children? - I'm sorry, man.

I'm, I'm running late, and I just don't have time

- to chat right now, so... - I understand that.

It's just that, every minute, another child dies unnecessarily,

a child who could live a fruitful life with the help ofjust one small donation.

Yeah, I'm... I don't have the time.

- I'm sorry. - I understand that.

It's just, all it takes is $1 to save a child.

(SIGHS) All right. You know what?

Fine, you're right. Yup.

Who doesn't want to help a child? Let's save five children.

Tommy!

All right, come on, come on, come on. One, two, three, four, five.

- Not so fast. Just five. - (KIDS YELLING)

- Thanks a lot, sir. - GIRL: Help!

Help! Help!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Oh, my God. I have another dollar.

I have another dollar. Sir, I have another dollar.

Crazy crazy

Does is crazy

Make up for adjustment

You jammin' on the verse

First one's planned that you want to do

All I want

But I don't need you

KEY: Like one time, I was in church,

and I was talking to an elderly friend

of my mother's at the time, very classy lady, very decorous.

- And... - Decorous?

Decorous. It means proper, a person who does everything proper.

- Mmm-hmm. I know. - And, um...

I was talking,

and in the middle of a sentence, unbeknownst to me,

I dropped an f-bomb.

In church. In church, after church, before social period,

we about to go get some coffee and donuts up in this boinks.

I'm talking to my girl.

- What'd you say? - She shall remain name...

I don't remember. I don't remember.

- I just remember talking... - You're just like,

"I'm gonna get some fucking, fucking communion."

(LAUGHS) And that's...

(SIGHS)

- Happy Sunday, Esther. - Happy Sunday, Georgina.

How was your week?

- Oh, the Lord is with me. - Mmm-hmm.

But the devil, he got his hands on my grandniece, Grace.

- Oh, no. - Mmm-hmm.

Out there smoking the reefer, doing the hanky-panky with boys.

- No, Georgina. - Oh, Esther, you know

that I love all things that are good and holy.

- Mmm-hmm. - But if he doesn't let go

of my grandniece Grace,

I'm gonna cut the devil's dick off

- and shove it in his ass. - Mmm-hmm.

- With my prayers. - I know you will, Georgina.

I know you will.

How was your week, girl?

Oh, you know me.

I'm blessed and thankful for everything.

Mmm-hmm. All right.

But you know my grandson Jason got hisself wrapped up

in the leathery claws of Satan.

- Not Jason. - He got hisself arrested

for the spray-painting and the vandalism.

Oh, Lord.

And I tell you, I never

raise my hand in anger,

but if he don't let Jason go,

I'm gonna punch that nigga Satan in the nuts so hard,

it wipe the dick-licking smirk off his horned-ass face.

Mmm-hmm.

- With my prayers. - Amen.

I know you will, Esther, I know you will,

but, Esther, I gotta tell you something else, now.

- Mmm, let it out. - You know, Esther,

that I have found serenity in the glory of heaven.

- Yes. - But my daughter's husband

Bernard has got himself wedged

between the cleft hooves of Lucifer hisself.

- Mmm. - She opened up

his laptop computer

and found the pornography of women.

- Not the pornography of women. - Absolutely.

- The pornography of women. - Not on the laptop computer?

On the laptop computer found the pornography of women.

- Mmm. - I am a pacifist under God's request,

but if he don't let go of Bernard,

I'm gonna sneak up on that bitch-ass Lucifer

right in the midst of his sleep time.

- Oh. - And then I'm gonna sit

on that motherfucker's head,

and I'm gonna spread my booty cheeks on that pig's face,

and I'm gonna just pucker up my stank hole...

- Whoo. - And just...

(VOCALIZES)

Until that nigga got a brown dot on his nose that I can use for target practice.

(IMITATES GUN NOISES)

Shoot that.

Shoot that!

Whoo, shoot that nigga in the shit-nack.

With my prayers.

With your prayers, of course, of course.

Oh, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina.

- Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup? - Oh, I got nothing but faith

in God and heaven above,

but I tell you, my son's wife Crystal,

she got herself wrapped up in the fiery wings

- of Mephistopheles hisself. - Here we go.

You know, she got caught using profanity with her own children.

- What? - At the dinner table.

Oh, Lord, child, child.

Georgina Darlene Martin!

Oh, I have nothing but love for every creature on this planet,

but if he don't let my darling Crystal go,

- I'm gonna flirt with the devil. - Oh. Oh.

Show him a little bit of shoulder.

"How you doin'?"

He gonna start looking away, I'm gonna start twerking.

Start twerking, he gonna be like, "Whoo."

- He gonna be drawn in. - Mmm-hmm.

Seduce that little motherfucker.

Give him one of these. "Hi."

Batting my eyelashes at him.

Then when he least expects it,

and I got his trust, that's when I'm gonna ride that nigga.

I'm gonna give him the night of his life,

a night he ain't never gonna forget.

- Go get him. - I'm gonna give him this way.

I'm gonna give him that way.

And then, right when he about to climax,

that's when I'm gonna clench up my pussy

on that motherfucker's red dick,

and I'm gonna snap that nigga cock off with a divine kegel.

Well, you gonna snap that nigga dick off.

- Whoo! - Snap it off! Whoo!

- With my prayers. - With your prayers.

- With your prayers. - With my prayers.

Of course. With the prayers, yeah.

- But that's right, girl. - Yes.

- You go get him, Esther! - Yes!

- Fuck Satan! - Fuck him!

Fuck him in the...

Wha... what's happening, Georgina?

(DEEP VOICE) Georgina isn't here anymore.

(MANIACAL LAUGH)

It is I, Satan.

Ah!

(BLOWS LANDING)

(NORMAL VOICE) Ah! No, Esther!

- I'm in here, though! - Oh!

I'm kicking this nigga's ass.

- Yeah! - (BLOWS LANDING)

(DEEP VOICE) Oh, help me. Somebody help me.

I can't get out of this bitch.

- (YELLING) - Oh, get him, Georgina! Get him!

(NORMAL VOICE) I stuck a safety pin in this nigga's urethra.

- Ooh! - (DEEP VOICE) Ow!

Fuck! That hurts!

(NORMAL VOICE) Right now, I got his dick in my hands like a old rag.

- I'm wringing out! I'm wringing it out! - (YELLING)

Oh, give me some of that.

I want a piece of him, yes.

Tag me in.

(GROANS)

(GASPS)

(DEEP VOICE) Who is this crazy bitch, now?

(NORMAL VOICE) Ah, it's me, motherfucker!

Your worst nightmare, bitch!

(LAUGHS)

- Shoot that motherfucker! - That's right.

I'm on top of you. I'm gon' grab 'em.

(DEEP VOICE) What's going on?

This feels good. Why would you do this to me?

(NORMAL VOICE) Oh, you'll see in a second, motherfucker.

Yeah, just wait, motherfucker.

(DEEP VOICE) Oh, I'm waiting, but oh, here I cum. Here I cum.

(NORMAL VOICE) Here you go, ha! Grabbed it!

Snap!

- Ooh! - Ooh, I got him good.

(DEEP VOICE) I'll do anything you say. I'll do anything you say.

GEORGINA: Too late now. Too late now, Satan.

Oh, shh. We should probably go.

(NORMAL VOICE) Oh, yeah, let's go, let's go.

We don't want to disturb the service.

Ooh, I got a hold of him.

I'm gonna... We gonna go medieval on his ass.

(DEEP VOICE) No, no! Oh, Lordy! I can't take it. I can't take it.

(NORMAL VOICE) Get over here, mister.

(DEEP VOICE) Please, please!

Get these crazy bitches off of me.

Jesus Christ is my personal Lord and savior, I swear.

You're too late for that now.

"Been trying to reach out to you all day.

"Are we on for tonight?"

(SIGHS) Jeez.

What? You can't catch me. You can't catch me.

I'm Lance Moore. Touchdown, bitch. What? Pause.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, shoot.

Keegan's been texting me.

"Sorry, dude, missed your texts.

"I assumed we'd meet at the bar.

"Whatever. I don't care."

(PHONE CHIMES)

"Sorry, dude, missed your texts.

"I assumed we'd meet at the bar.

"Whatever. I don't care."

"Whatever. I don't care?"

The fuck is his problem?

"Do you even want to hang out?"

"Do you even want to hang out?"

Oh, that's considerate.

"Like I said, whatever."

"Like I said, whatever?"

Fuck this guy.

Jesus, "You..."

"...are fucking priceless."

Aw!

"You're the..."

"...one who's fucking priceless?"

This...

This motherfucker right here.

Oh, he wants to... Okay, mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm. Okay.

"You want to go..."

"...right now?" Hmm.

Guess I could do that.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"Okay..."

"...okay, let's go?"

He said..."Okay, let's go?"

All right, you know what?

You know what? "You want to really..."

"...do this now?" Keegan, you nut.

You're not putting me out.

"Fuck yeah, let's do it?"

Oh, you fucking asshole!

"First round's mine."

Oh, no! Oh, no! There ain't gonna be no rounds, asshole!

It's gonna be a fucking street fight! This son of a...

(SINGING) 'Cause tonight we gonna party and the party don't stop

- You! - Buddy!

Like I said, first round's mine.

A beer and a gimlet for my partner right...

What's that?

Uh, I got you a baseball bat with nails in it.

For my post-apocalyptic Jackie Robinson costume.

How did you know?

PEELE: I'm gonna try to freestyle for a second.

KEY: Yup, yup. PEELE: Off the top of the dome.

Off the top of the dome. Break it down.

(BEATBOXING)

(RAPPING) Witness violence every day

Wake up in the morning

Bullets flying by my head

Without any warning

I live in the pressure cooker the most urbanest of jungles

Mr. Bungle

I can't really get Mr. Bungle.

- Let's just stop. - You want to stop?

(CLEARS THROAT)

I shouldn't be saying Mr. Bungle in that.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

DJ: It's Friday night. Make some noise!

(CROWD CHEERS)

DJ: Put your motherfucking hands in the air.

Aw, yeah! Put 'em up.

If you cool like a pimp, put your hands up.

If you cool like a pimp, put your hands up.

'Cause you're an actual pimp, put your hands up.

If you own a bunch of women, put your hands up.

If you gonna hit it all night, put your hands up.

If you gonna hit it all night, put your hands up.

Yeah, all right.

DJ: If you maintain an erection for 12 hours, put your hands up.

Whoo!

DJ: Without the benefit of viagra, put your hands up.

If you a real-life player, put your hands up.

What? Yeah.

DJ: If you abuse women's trust, put your hands up.

If you treat them like objects, put your hands up.

If you a real-life gangster, put your hands up.

If you a real-life gangster, put your hands up.

If you kill other people, put your hands up.

If you the biggest boss here, put your hands up.

If you run an actual drug ring, put your hands up.

(CROWD GROANS)

If you just realized that you're full of shit,

put your hands up.

(CROWD CHEERS)

PEELE: All right. Third time's the charm.

- (KEY BEATBOXING) - (PEELE CLEARS THROAT)

(RAPPING) All of my life, I've crushed dreams and crushed bitches

No one ever has come to me without leaving in stitches

I'm a monster

I grant wishes

Like a genie, I dream of Jeannie

I'm a meanie

Why does it always just go...

I don't know, you keep getting...

You, you're doing really well, and then you get in this TV reference.

- Yeah, that's what's doing me. - And it's, it's the tough part.

Welcome to Papard Mattress Liquidators. How can I help you today?

I need to buy a new bed.

Okay. Yeah, good, good.

You came to the right place. I'd be more than happy to help you with that.

Uh, what size you need? A full, queen, king?

- Queen. - Queen, oh.

- We got a big... - And just so you know,

- it needs to be sturdy. - All right.

Shit gets kind of crazy in my room.

Oh, okay.

(LAUGHS) I got you, brother.

I got you.

Well, this posturepedic mattress we got right here,

this is extremely comfortable

and, uh, durable.

Do you mind if I try it?

No, not at all. Go ahead.

I should also mention, there's 100% money-back guarantee on...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Who got that good D?

I got that good D! Yeah! Yeah!

No, it's too hard.

Do you have anything softer?

Um...

Of course.

This, this is one of our, um, natural latex mattresses.

It's on sale, too, today, at $1,200.

Can I try it?

Sure.

Who got that good D? I got that good D!

(GRUNTING)

Who got that good D? I got that good D!

(GRUNTS)

It seems a little pricey.

SALESMAN: Okay. No, it's a little pricey. I ain't gonna lie to you.

But, uh, no problem. We got other choices.

Um...

This a great memory foam mattress, right here.

- It's a little cheaper, and... - Can I try it out?

Right. Right, yeah. I mean, of course, of course you want to try.

- You know how it goes. - Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Coming up on them late nights.

Aye! Aye! Boom, boom, boom, boom!

"Yes! Sي, Papi! Sي, Papi! Sي, Papi!"

Yeah, man, right.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, man. Um...

Sex happens.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Who got that good D? I got that good D!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Who got that good D? I got that good D!

Oh! Oh, here it comes!

Here it comes!

Here it comes!

(GRUNTS)

Yup, that's the one.

- I'll take it. - Okay, let me ring you up.

- (GRUNTING) - WOMAN: Aye! Aye! Aye!

MAN: Who got that good D? I got that good D!

- (GRUNTING) - WOMAN: Aye, Papi!

MAN: Who got that good D? I got that good D!

- (GLASS BREAKS) - WOMAN: Sي, Papi!

- (GRUNTING) - WOMAN: Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye!

MAN: Who got that good D? I got that good D!

BRODY: Thank you.

- Mike. - Brody.

Yeah. Hey, how are you, man?

- What's up, man? - Good to see you.

Hey, I'm glad I ran into you.

What is that joke that you told recently at the office?

Everybody is just, like, giggling about it all the time,

and I haven't heard it yet.

Oh, gosh.

Okay. Um...

- All right, it goes like this. - Yeah.

So, there's this woman, and...

(LAUGHS)

- Okay. Good audience. - (CHUCKLES) I'm sorry!

Yeah, I'm sorry. I love it already.

(LAUGHING) I love it already.

Awesome. Okay.

Well, this should go well. Um...

So there's, there's a woman, and she goes to her doctor.

She goes to her doctor! It's already funny.

(LAUGHING) It's already funny.

No, I haven't even gotten to the setup yet.

(LAUGHING)

So, she goes to her doctor, and she, um,

she says to her doctor, "Kiss me."

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

No, that's not it.

That's not it. That, that's not the punch line.

(LAUGHING)

You got to stop, man, you're killing me over here.

Oh, you...

I don't know if you think the joke is over, but it's not.

It's actually just starting.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Okay. So I'm gonna... I'm just gonna speed up.

So she says to her doctor, "Kiss me,"

and he says, "I can't. It would be unprofessional."

- (LAUGHING) - No. No, not even close.

She says, he says, "That would be unprofessional,"

and then she says, she keeps asking him,

and he says, "No, no, no."

Happens three times like that.

Finally, at the end, she says,

"Kiss me," and he says,

"I shouldn't even be having sex with you right now."

Then what happens?

(STAMMERS) I don't, I don't know. Then, I guess she...

She probably sued him for malpractice?

(LAUGHS)

Sued him for malpractice.

(HYSTERICAL GIBBERISH)

So you know that wasn't, that wasn't the punch line?

That wasn't the punch line?

- No. The punch... - There's more?

- (LAUGHING) - No, there's not.

There's not more.

There's more to the joke?

No, there, there's actually less.

Well, that's it! You turned it around!

- No, there's... - You turned it around!

- The joke... - He said less!

- The joke was... - There can't be less.

The punch line was the only part that you didn't laugh at.

(LAUGHS) What the fuck?

- You got me! - You got me.

You were doing a joke the whole time!

You were doing a weird character the whole time.

Oh, my God, yes. Yes.

I love the malpractice stuff.

The malpractice punch line is hilarious.

So you weren't doing a character?

- What character, what character? - Okay.

This is some crazy shit.

PEELE: Hey, yo, did you ever hear my theory about flying, though?

Mmm-mmm.

The reason you have to jerk off before you fly...

Who does? What?

Everybody jerks off before they fly.

I think you need to look up the word "Everybody."

Well, look. Okay.

Maybe

you're an exception to the rule, but I'm fairly certain that everybody else

gets massive boners or whatever and jerks off...

I'm sorry. Gets massive boners before they get on the plane?

Yeah, I think there's a physiological reason.

You're about to fly. You might die. Your body knows you might die.

It's like going off to war. You need to get that sperm out.

Propagate the species.

Just like right before this trip.

(SINGING) I'm gonna do my one line here

MAN: Oh, yeah.

Comfort of the fiery wings...

Mephistopheles.

(ALL LAUGHING)