Original subtitles

Police say late last night, they apprehended Rodney Gullivan,

and found a gun and narcotics in his truck.

He was charged with possession and assault on his fiancee,

and she is in the hospital recovering tonight.

Meanwhile, another woman was sexually assaulted by Benjamin Braider

of Indianapolis.

The unidentified woman suffered a broken rib and a split lip.

She's in stable condition tonight.

Well, that's it for sports. Chuck.

Crazy crazy

Does is crazy

Make up for adjustment

You jammin' on the verse

First one's planned that you want to do

All I want

But I don't need you

KEY: When I was, um, I don't know, I might've been 13 or something,

I had a Willie Talk ventriloquist dummy.

- Willie Talk? - Willie Talk was his name.

That was... Have you ever seen those?

He's got on, like, a white and red striped shirt,

- and it says, "Willie Talk." - Oh, my God.

And he's got a plastic head, and he's like...

(MUMBLING)

And just, like, a kind of standard-Iooking ventriloquist dummy.

They'd have these three types of dolls.

There was, like, a Willie Talk, a Wilma Talk,

- and then... - Wilma Talk.

- The girl version. - But it doesn't make a pun.

(CHUCKLES) I know. I know.

And then... Are you kidding me?

You know what? Can I just tell you something?

I'm gonna admit something right now.

Just got the pun right now.

- Key... - Just got the pun right now.

I was so excited to get a Willie Talk

'cause my grandpa's... My grandpa's name was Willie.

And my mom said, "Look, a ventriloquist dummy's named after your...

- "After your grandpa." - Dude.

I... Oh, no, I'm 43.

- I got it right now. - Okay, okay.

I'm like, "Oh, will he..." What?

Good morning.

Uh, Clive "Double Down" Ruggins,

I'm Daniel Tate.

I am your parole officer,

and I just want to help you.

How the hell you supposed to help me, man?

What the fuck you know about the streets, what with your diplomas on the wall?

Settle down.

I know that you might not be able to relate to me,

but I think I know somebody

who you can relate to.

- Little Homie. - What up?

What up? It's my favorite Clive.

- (LAUGHS) What up, dude? - Nah, dog, listen.

Hey, man, I ain't trying to talk to no puppet, man.

It's not a puppet. It's Little Homie, and I would like for you to talk to him, Clive.

See, I used to work in the juvenile correction systems,

and I found this method very effective.

I ain't no juvenile, man, okay?

He's right. Does he look like a kid to you?

Come on! He's a grown-ass man.

See? What?

Look, it's very important

for your parole that you talk to Little Homie.

What's up, Little Homie?

(LAUGHS) That's better, my negrumps.

Heh, what you getting into these days, man? What it is? What it is? You got a job yet?

(SIGHS) I'm trying, man, but no one will hire me.

Yeah, hey, fuck all that noise, man.

Between you and me, man,

ain't nobody trying to hire a nigga with a record.

But hey, man, what you need to be doing

is get back into some crimes, mang.

(STAMMERS) What's going on, man?

- Are you talking to me? - Yeah.

Well, you should be talking to Little Homie right now.

- What is going on? - Yeah, bitch!

Talk to me!

Look at me when I'm talking to you!

Okay, okay, fine.

(PANTING)

Damn!

So, you smoking weed, nigga?

No, man. No, no, Little Homie. I'm done with drugs.

(LAUGHS)

Shit. I got something.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.

Look at this here, negrumps.

Smoke this weed.

No, no, no, no, no, no, man. I'm done, man. You hear me?

I'm done with drugs. I ain't doing all that.

I don't know.

Little Homie seems pretty serious about that.

Here.

What? Look, I'm confused, man. What do you want me to do here?

Well, I want you to clean up your act, but you're not talking to me right now.

You're talking to Little Homie.

Now smoke that shit

or I'll smoke this bitch right here.

DANIEL: Oh, God.

He's not messing around.

I think you better do what he says.

Okay, all right. Little Homie, man.

Just relax, man. Relax, Little Homie.

Take it easy. I'm just... I'm gonna smoke it down.

Wait, wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you can't fool me.

You're trying to trick me, man.

No, I'm done with the weed.

(GUNSHOT)

Oh!

(CHUCKLES)

Catch, nigga.

(LAUGHS)

Dumbass! Now your fingerprints is on the weapon!

You in this with me now, right?

Okay, Little Homie, yeah.

Hmm.

- Well... - Oh! Oh!

You failed the test.

I have no choice but to revoke your parole.

What? Oh, man.

Ain't this about a bitch?

On your feet, baby boy.

- Get him out of here. - Come on.

I can't believe that negrumps actually thought I killed you.

I know, right?

He's here. He's here.

Come on, baby, come on. Get your sign. Brandon, bring the camera.

Come on. Let's go.

Here you go. Hold it out.

Hold it out right for Daddy, so Daddy can see.

Here you go.

Rocky!

Oh, my boy.

- There's my boy. - GIRL: He got me a teddy bear.

WOMAN: He did bring you a teddy bear.

MAN: Oh, my gosh, look at this. Look at this good boy.

Hey, hey, you want that?

You want that toy? You want that toy?

- You want that toy? - GIRL: Why isn't he coming, Mommy?

WOMAN: He's coming, he's coming.

MAN: I love you so much, Rock.

Oh, hey, let's go.

Come on, boy.

Good dog. Good dog. There we go.

Oh, I missed you so much.

That's my Rocky!

That's my Rocky!

PEELE: Who's your favorite actor all time?

KEY: My favorite actor of all time?

- PEELE: Still working today. - Who's yours?

Do you know yours off the top of your head?

My favorite

is probably

you.

- No, you can't do that. - You're my favorite actor.

No, no, no.

What is yours, but seriously?

Working, living.

You know, don't... And feel free to not say me.

All I'm saying is you're my favorite actor.

- Oh, my God. - Who's your favorite actor?

It shouldn't be that hard.

It should be someone who just comes off the top of your...

You are. You are.

Why?

Like, what is it about my, I don't know...

It's like a lot of the subtlety that you use when you're performing. You know what I mean?

Sometimes, there's, like, a lot going on back here...

Yeah, well, it's you know, it's...

You can see what you're thinking.

You want to put it in the back, 'cause if it's happening inside,

you want the audience to feel it.

You don't want 'em to see it.

- Mmm-hmm, yup. Yup. - Well, good answer.

You know who else I like, though?

I do like Robert De Niro a lot.

- Nah, he's a hack. - A lot of his early work.

- He's bullshit. - Really?

- You guys see anything? - Nothing yet.

Okay.

We'll wait until dark, and then sneak back across the line and,

rejoin our unit.

(DISTANT CREAKING)

Did you guys hear something?

(MACHINE GUN FIRING)

Oh, hell.

These Americans prove to be no obstacle at all.

- Search the hotel. - Yeah.

You've done well to secure this position.

That could bode well for promotion.

Speaking of which, guess who I saw at the market the other day.

Who?

Oh, I don't know, Adolf Hitler.

I love Hitler.

Who doesn't? But you ever see him in person?

PEELE: Oh, yeah, at the Nurnberg Rally.

It was very inspirational.

I know it was. I was there. Everyone was there.

But up close, it's a whole different thing.

For instance, it was the weekend,

and the little hairs had just started to grow on the sides

of the mustache, like this.

So I walk up to Hitler, casual...

- Herr Commandant... - That's rude.

I'm in the middle of a story.

You're not interested in a story about our Fuhrer?

- Yeah, but... - Okay, good.

Eva was there as well.

Taller than you think

or Hitler's shorter, hard to say.

But anyhoo, I'm buying some bread.

- Hitler's buying some bread. - Um, I must...

So, I'm assuming you've got a better Hitler story?

- But no, but... - Then maybe don't interrupt.

- Yes, sir. - So I give him a salute,

and he gives me one of those half-Hitler salutes, you know,

- down, low, very cool. - Right.

- You know? - Right.

- Here's what you forget. - Yeah.

- He doesn't say "Heil Hitler." - Uh-huh.

- (FLY BUZZING) - Isn't that funny?

(SLAP)

- Ah! Herr Commandant... - Oh, wait.

I think maybe next time, I'll tell him how uninterested you are in my story.

- Oh, no, no, no, no. - Is it a jealousy thing?

- No, no, no. - You know, I didn't meet Hitler

to hurt your feelings.

(STAMMERS)

Proceed, of course.

So I say to Hitler,

- "I've actually been quite busy." - (WRAPPER CRINKLES)

Hitler laughs, and then says,

"You and me both."

I mean, he's the Fuhrer.

It's so funny because it's an understatement.

I mean, he's super busy.

- As Hitler was taking his leave of me... - Okay, I have to interrupt you right now.

Excuse me? During the cinema?

The story has a build.

But if you keep interrupting, you kill the momentum.

I'm trying to tell you

that body is moving.

That's ridiculous. The Americans are all dead.

But if it keeps you from interrupting my awesome Hitler story,

I'll prove it to you.

Yes, sir. Very good, sir.

Wow. I'll never get used to those final death throes.

PEELE: Death throes?

Herr Muller, what is wrong with you?

Those are not death throes!

You are being an idiot!

Insubordinate and churlish.

Pity.

This is the best part of the story.

As Hitler was taking his leave of me, he said,

"Well, there's no point in getting bread, if you're not going to get..."

And at the same time

Hitler said "Cheese," I said "Cheese."

And then, Hitler and I both said, "Jinx."

Well, it was just, like, two regular, everyday peoples.

You guys missed the first part, but this is all about Hitler.

So, you was, you was a player.

You was a down doggie, rootin', tootin'...

I was a down doggie player, yes.

I mean, before you were married, you were like...

(VOCALIZING)

- Not a lot of the blips. - No blips.

You know, I would date a girl for a long time, and then there'd be, like,

little segments in the middle where, you know,

a lot of stuff would happen with a lot of people.

- (VOCALIZES) - You know?

College was fun, I'm not gonna lie.

- College was fun. It was a fun time. - Yep. Yep.

Time of exploration, time of scampsloracious.

I mean, college is different, different for everybody.

It is. It is different for everybody. Some people go there, and they study.

But it was, it was... Which is interesting.

- But I, personally... - Tried to study.

They try to study.

'Cause there's, you know, some people can't study when

there are other people banging, banging, banging, banging,

and getting laid all the time,

outside your fucking...

Your other side of the suite, up at the bunk above you.

- Inside of your suite. - (WHISTLES) Hello.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHATTERING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey. What...

What can I get you?

Hello, sir. I would like a rum and coke.

Rum and coke coming up.

(GROANING)

Ahhh, hey.

Where you from?

All right, baby.

I'm gonna see you on the dance floor, girl.

Oh! Ah.

Here's rum and coke. It's gonna be $8.

$8, all right, my good man.

Let me...

(EXHALES)

(SCREAMING)

Wallet, yeah!

- (SHUSHES) - Whoo!

Let me, I'mma got it. I got it.

- Fuck! - Oh! Shh!

- Aw, fuck, my wallet! - Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.

- Hey, you all right? - Okay, I'm...

- You all right? - Whew!

(LAUGHS) I tell you what. Third time's the charm, brother.

(PANTING)

(SCREAMING)

You want some help? There it is.

- There it is. - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, just take the card out.

Keep that open for me. Can you hang on to that for me?

Will do.

In fact, let me get a tequila shot, brother.

Actually, make it two, man.

One for me, and one for you, my good man.

- (SCREAMS) - All right.

Two tequila shots coming right up.

How you doing, girl?

All right, nectar of the gods up in here.

- All right. - All right, let's get that going down.

All right, cheers.

- Yeah, man. Cheers. - All right, here we go.

(SCREAMS)

Whoo!

Ahhh!

No, no, hold on.

There's more than one way to skin a cat.

You want some help with that?

Hold up, let me just try to get up in here.

(SCREAMS)

- Oh, that's... - Oh, that's burning my tongue.

- You know what? - What? Ahhh.

I'm gonna get you one of these.

- Yeah? - Try that.

There we... All right. Hell, you a genius.

Let me get this going on here.

Okay.

- You just... There you go. - Mmm-hmm.

Whoo! Vaya con Dios, my darling.

- That's... - All right.

Whoo! All right.

- Muchas gracias - Yup.

- Hey. - Yeah.

(GRUNTS) Uh-huh?

So, I'm worried about you.

Oh, no, I'm gonna tell you what I'm worried about.

I'm worried that this club ain't popping off the way it should be! What? What?

(SCREAMS) 'Cause I... Wait a second.

- (RAP SONG PLAYING) - What? Uh-oh.

DJ, turn it up!

That's my track right there.

Uh-huh.

What it is!

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS) Ugh! Oh!

(LAUGHS)

(TRILLS TONGUE AND LAUGHS)

Hey, man, a bar is not the place for you to be right now.

(SCREAMS)

Whoo, whoo.

Let me, let me get two more shots of tequila.

Uh-uh. Sorry, pal, you're 86'ed.

What? How? What now?

- And what, that's preposterous. - Let's go, buddy.

(SCREAMS)

Be, be gentle with him.

- Right this way. - Aye! Aye! Ahhh!

Oh, it hurts all over!

(SCREAMS) How you doing, girl?

BARTENDER: First time, I think was, like, '87.

It was two guys in a heavyweight bout. Yeah.

No, it was the first time in a heavyweight bout,

that the two fighters ended up getting married.

(SPANISH ACCENT) Hello, my good sir.

I'd like to have two shots of tequila.

(SCREAMS) Come on, brother!

(GROANS) Why you gotta...

- Oh, Mark. - Oh, man, that hurts.

(SIGHS)

(BICYCLE BELL RINGS)

Oh, there you are, Cedric.

'Sup, dude?

'Tis well, Cedric. 'Tis well.

Yeah, can I ask you a question, man?

- Mmm? - Um,

why the hell are you dressed like this?

And what the hell did you do to your bike?

You ain't heard?

I'm steampunk now.

Yeah, I don't know what that is, man.

Jules Verne and shit.

I seriously think that you have cracked, man, all right?

Like, in your mind.

Nah, I ain't cracked up.

- I live in a clock now. - That's...

Ah, umbrellas and blimps, nigga.

You're wearing a top hat with a door on it.

I'm just an ill-ass Lemony Snicket up in this bitch.

But you, what's with you?

What's with me? I'll tell you what I'm.

I'm a ill-ass normal motherfucker

who been waiting for his friend for a hour and ten minutes

underneath a God damn bridge

with two homeless niggas.

Perchance, good sir, could you point me in the direction

of the nearest apothecary?

If you're talking about the drug store, it's right there on the corner.

- What time does it close? - It closes at 10:00, man.

You've been there 1,000,000 times.

Hmm, I'll check just to be sure.

- Make sure it's still open. - I'm telling you, Levi,

if you put that piece of pipe up to your eye

and use it as a telescope, I cannot be your friend anymore.

- This... - Yup. Still open.

All right, I have to go then, so...

- You try it. - No, no.

I'm not gonna try it because it's a piece of pipe,

and it doesn't have any lenses in it.

Therefore, it's not a telescope!

Yes, but how could you be sure?

Science.

I'm gonna look through this piece of pipe,

and if it doesn't work like a telescope,

then we finally done, man.

Like, not homies anymore. We're done.

Oh, Cedric.

Why would you think

in a million years

that that would actually work?

Cedric, it's just that

you look so ridiculous right now.

I look...

I'm gonna... Hmm.

(SIGHS) Say good-bye, Ratatouille.

What? What the fuck is that?

- (RAT SQUEAKS) - Oh, shit!

PEELE: Can you imagine if we had to fight in World War II?

KEY: Jeez, we would not make it.

We would not make it.

(SINGING) I'm gonna do my one line here.

MAN: Oh, yeah.

Ooh, yeah!

(GROANS)

(SCREAMING)

Ahhh! There it is!

(SCREAMS)