Original subtitles

I saw on the news today,

talking about the violence in foreign countries.

talking about all the savagery up in the world,

but they ain't never talk about South Central.

Ain't never talk about what happened to my brother.

Now he's gone.

Now I ain't got no brother.

Yo, dog.

I'll be your brother.

Really?

Absolutely, dog.

You're gonna need somebody to lean on.

You can't just be walking around here

with this emptiness in your heart, man.

An emptiness that can only be filled by a brother.

Okay.

- Brothers, man? - Brothers!

- Get it in here, dog. - Come over here.

You got to get it in there, dog.

I got to tuck it, man.

Tuck it, tuck it, tuck it.

Brothers, man.

Come here, man.

Why the [bleep] you keep following me around, man?

Why don't you go home and stay out of my room?

Don't mess with my models.

I'm about to get a wedgie up

in this mother[bleep] right here.

What the-- Hey!

Hey! Get the [bleep] off me, man.

Give me the wedgie-- Hey.

Hey.

You don't give a grown man a wedgie.

Mother[bleep], I'm 34 years old.

I got grandchildren.

Hey!

Thank you!

Thank you.

- I am Keegan-Michael Key. - I'm Jordan Peele.

And we are Key and Peele.

- Thank you for coming out. - Yeah.

You ever have a friend that just

uses the wrong slang for the situation?

Like, I know this dude

who would just say things way too harsh...

- Mm-hmm. - for making love...

- Oof, yeah. - Hooking up with a girl.

Were you with Tiffany last night?

- Yeah, man. - Yeah.

You know that half-Ethiopian, half-Chinese girl?

Yeah. Yeah. I know.

Oh, yeah. How could I forget?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Man, crushed it.

Smashed it, smoshed it. Crushed it.

Krishity-krishity-krishity- krishity-krishna crushed it.

There was that other girl last week.

- Yeah. - Half-Paraguay, half-Uruguay?

- I see. Yup.

Yup. Yup.

- Priz-nushed it.

- Okay. Okay.

Are both of those ladies okay?

- Yup, both those ladies. - Okay.

- Other girl, half-Russian, half-Prussian.

I was crushin' the Russian-Prussian.

Whoa.

Man, I felt sorry for that dude,

But, you know, what you gonna do?

I had to lay that [bleep] down.

You know I did, dog.

What? That [bleep] lay you down.

Hey, brother, I don't know what fight you was at.

That [bleep] got a couple licks in, sure.

But pfft, I was like, bip!

Man, I put the pussy on the chain wax.

- Put the pussy on the-- - the chain wax.

I put the pussy on the chain wax.

I put the pussy on the chain wax.

- Pussy on the chain wax? - Hmm?

Is that a thing?

Well, yeah. That-- Yeah.

That's a-- That's a thing.

- Yeah. - Yeah, that's something.

Okay.

Yeah, I put the pussy on the chain wax.

Pussy on the chain wax!

I said I put the pussy on the chain wax!

He put the pussy on the chain wax.

- Pussy on the chain wax. - Pussy on the chain wax.

Uh, pussy coming in.

- This is the chain wax. - Hold up.

Hold up.

I just, um, googled "Pussy on the chain wax."

No results.

Man, um, why are you googling?

No, I'm just saying.

"Pussy on the chain wax," It's not an expression.

Ye-- Yeah it is.

- Yeah, it is. - Yes, thank you.

- It's something, Leo. - Yeah.

What it-- What it-- What does it mean then?

What does it mean?

- I'll tell you what it means. - Do it, do it.

It means that...

is that you put the...

pussy on the chain wax!

Nope, nope.

Pussy on the chain wax!

It's not-- Don't--

- Pussy on the chain wax! - Pussy on the chain wax.

Acting like y'all know what it is--

Okay, have either of the two of you--

have you ever said the words

"Pussy on the chain wax" in any context?

- Pfft, us? - Pfft.

- He-- He talking to you. - Man--

He ain't talking to me.

Hey, man.

It's not our fault that you ain't never put the...

pussy on the chain wax!

Pussy on the chain wax!

No one can put the pussy on the chain wax

'cause pussy on the chain wax ain't a thing!

You trying to start a thing, aren't you?

Wha-- Me--

I mean, what are you talking about, trying to start a thing?

A thing, like "Off the hook"

or "I'ma put you on blast."

You trying to get it in the ether,

so everybody out there saying "Pussy on the chain wax."

Man, why are you doing this?

Why you looking up [bleep] I'm saying and--

and fact-checking my ass and [bleep]?

You keep saying some [bleep] that doesn't exist,

and you got thing one and thing two

corroborating your story like it does,

and then-- why you lying then?

It's bull[bleep]!

Bodie...

Why do you care so much

whether I made up "pussy on the chain wax" or not?

I lost my job.

My girl left me.

And all I w-- All I wanted to do

was have a little bit of fun with my friends today.

So why-- why do you ha--

why do you have to belittle me like that?

- It's just that I-- - Yeah?

I'm just trying to say--

What you trying to say, [bleep]?

I'm trying to say

that I want to put the pussy...

on the chain wax!

He did it, yo. He put the...

- pussy on the chain wax! - Yeah!

So, uh, yeah.

I got, like, 30-something followers.

I'm up to, like, 15 tweets a day.

So if you wanted to, um, follow-- all right.

No, no, no, no!

- What? - They hating on the Hathaways.

They hating on the Hathaways?

They straight hating on Annie Hathaways.

- That's your girl, dog! - I know that's my girl, dog.

Annie Hathaways from Devil Wears Pradas?

They hating on her.

- Nicholas Nicklebys? - Straight hating!

- Les Misérables? - Les Misérables!

♪ I dreamed a dreams, and dreams get dreamed ♪

- Oh, man. - No, what?

Why you be hating on that?

How do you be hating on the Hathaways?

I do not know!

- 'cause that's your girl, dog! - That's my girl with the--

I've been rolling with the Hathaways

Since Princess Diaries!

Shh.

You was there since day one!

Man, you know I be loving me some Princess Diaries 2:

The Royal Engagement!

You got the Blu-ray!

And I got that on DVD and LaserDisc and VHS, man.

- Pfft. - Rachel Getting Married though.

- What? Uh-uh. - Mm-mm.

- Uh-uh. uh-uh. - Rachel Getting Married.

Rachel Getting Married, though?

Rachel Getting Married, though.

Yo, do you love Anne Hathaways?

- I do! - Come on.

- Hathaways! - Come on, man.

- And the Oscar goes to... - Annie Hathaways.

- Crackhead killed her brother! - That's right.

- Come on. - Broken Back.

- Okay, Broken Backs. Broken Backs.

Talking about Broken Back Mountain.

That's right. Broken Backs, dog!

I'm married to Jake Jiggling-halls.

- Uh, Giggling-thalls? - Thank you.

I stand corrected. So wait. You know what?

I didn't like that one.

That was not my [bleep], though.

Broken Backs was not my [bleep].

- But she was good in that. - She was good.

Oh, play that confident Texas businesswoman.

Talk about straight up, "You know what?

"I'm struggling with my husband's sexuality."

She kept her integrity at the same time

- as showing her breasteses. - That's a delicate balance.

That's a delicate balance.

Why was you hating on the Hathaways?

But why would you be hating on the Hathaways?

Confident woman in Hollywood

whose sole character flaw is that she cares too much!

She cares too much!

- It's that she cares too much! - Yeah, she care too much!

- Come on! - Come on!

You know who they never be hating on?

- Who's that, dog? - Sandra Bullocksies.

- Sandra Bullocksies. - She's my girl,

and they never be hating on her.

That's your girl right there. Straight up there.

Sandra Bullocksies your girl right there.

Straight up.

Do you know who should do a movie together, though?

But who is that, dog?

Bullocksies and Hathaways!

You talking about some Hathaway

- and some Bullocksies? - No!

I'm talking about some Bullocksies

and some Hathaways!

Let me just explain what I'm talking about, though.

I'm talking about some Hathaways and some Bullocksies.

No, you right.

Bullocksies. Hathaways.

That would be my [bleep]!

Oh.

- Oh, you good? - Yeah, I-I'm good.

I thought something Was gonna...

- Me too. so-- - happen for a second there.

Figured we would transform in some way,

shape, or form. Okay.

That would be my [bleep]!

That would be my [bleep]!

Who's the most dignified black person in the world?

Sidney Poitier.

- Sidney. - Sidney Poitier.

Yeah. See? See?

All I did was say his name, and you start to clap.

He is.

He's the most graceful, dignified man in the world.

- Is who? - Sidney Poitier.

Okay. Gotta give it up.

Gotta give it up.

You know who's on his way, though?

- Morgan Freeman's on his way. - Mm-hmm.

He's on, like, second-tiered super dignity status.

(imitates Freeman) "Morgan Freeman.

"He's a frisky little mother[bleep]."

Well, you see Morgan Freeman in public.

He's got, like, a leather jacket and jeans.

Yeah.

(imitates Freeman) "I still got it."

"Still got it."

Hello, everyone.

I'm Joseph Carmichael.

Otis is-- was my father.

But we are not here today to mourn his death,

but to celebrate his life.

We knew Otis as a teacher, a community leader,

a role model, a husband, and a father.

Now, I thought it would be nice

to share something about him y'all may not have known.

When my father was younger,

he was an actor in Hollywood.

Going through my dad's things,

I found this reel of his work as an actor.

I haven't seen it yet,

but I thought it would be fun to watch,

here with all of you today.

Thank you.

Where are my pies?

Ribbles, where are the pies I put on my windowsill?

Why, I don't know, Mrs. Caruthers.

Why would anyone want to steal

one of your delicious blueberry pies?

Hey.

See to it you shine those shoes up nice, boy.

Yes, sir, you best be believing I will!

I'll shine your shoes blacker than my mama's booty.

Ooga-booga!

Ooga-booga shoo! Ooga-booga shoo!

- Ooga-booga! - Oh, hell no!

Ooga-booga shoo!

In 1964, my father marched

with Martin Luther King Jr. and Harry Belafonte

along with other renowned civil rights leaders.

The big boss of any company is always, like, super carefree.

Right, you got a cushy job.

- You're-- You're the boss. - Right.

Those are the guys walking around,

"Hey. How's everybody doing?

"I'll be in my office."

Yeah. Yeah.

And my boss-- I used to work at the theater in Chicago,

called the Second City,

and my boss used to do this thing with me all the time.

Hey. Hey, what's going on?

- Hey. - Hey.

Oh.

What are you up to? What's going on?

- Oh, just fi-- - Yeah.

Just, uh-- in the-- Oh!

You hanging in there? Things are good?

- I'm hanging in there, yeah. - Things are good?

Just been filing a sexual, uh, harassment lawsuit.

Oh, okay.

Okay, all right.

Good morning, Tom.

Jason.

How you doing there, Dave?

Crystal, Tommy.

Good morning, Jake.

How are you?

Pretty good, Kenny.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, you know, so early in the morning,

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news,

but, uh, you know how I was

- supposed to work late tonight? - Mm-hmm.

Well, I got to run this errand for Mr. Mahina,

and he says that you're gonna have to cover for me,

So there it is. I don't nee-- I'm sorry.

Dropped the ax.

Okay, so--

- Hmm. - Mm-hmm.

- Again. - Yeah.

So-- Oh, you know what?

Just remembered.

Mr. Mahina also-- almost slipped my mind--

wants us to, uh, change parking spaces.

What?

Yeah. M-Me personally?

I enjoy the nine-minute walk,

But, uh, he said that we have to do it.

Believe it. I hate it as much as you do.

- What are you gonna do? - Nothing you can do.

If Mr. Mahina said it--

Mahina.

This whole situation has been Mahina-nized.

It just seems a little confusing to me

as to why Mr. Mahina

would give a [bleep] where we park.

How's that?

I mean, why would he care where we park?

I-I don't know the answer to that question.

I-I mean, that's-- it's just what he said.

He-- Hey, the Mahina works in mysterious ways.

You know what, I'm gonna ask him myself 'cause--

No, that's okay! I'll do it!

Uh, Mr. Mahina, sir, I know you're busy,

but can I speak to you about the parking switch?

What's there to talk about, Kenny?

I told you and Jake to switch parking spaces!

Don't you know who I am?

I am Mr. Mahina,

And I'm a real, real person in here!

Get the hell out of my office!

Wow. Did you hear that?

It was crazy in there.

I mean, that was-- whew, tense.

Yeah.

You know what's really crazy, though?

Hmm?

I've been working here for about a year,

and I've never even seen Mr. Mahina.

Well, see, now that's-- that's an easy one to answer.

That's because he comes in before you come into work,

and he's still working when you leave.

That's-- That's what makes him Mr. Mahina.

You know, come on.

We're talking about Mr. Mahina here, right?

It makes perfect sense.

- You know, I bet... - Mm-hmm.

the hardworking boss

would love to meet a hardworking employee,

uou know, who shares the same values,

so I'm gonna go ahead and just introduce myself--

No, no! Uh--

You can't go into Mr. Mahina's room.

Are you crazy?

No one except me is allowed to go in there.

Mr. Mahina is busy!

Okay, fine. You made your point clear, man.

Thank you very much, Jake. I think it's best--

- And what-- - Wait, no, Jake! Wait, Jake!

I can't--

Come on, man.

What? Question my existence, will you?

...bucket creature?

Listen to me. The people...

I'll have the end of the year report to you by 10.

Freeze! Police.

Hands up.

Turn around slowly.

Okay, buddy.

Do not move a muscle.

Up! Up!

Get your hands back up.

No, raise them.

Up, hands up, now!

No, no m-- Stop!

I said no moving.

Put your foot down.

That's good.

Now, easy does it. No!

Don't pick your other foot up!

Put that down. Put your foot down!

Put your foot down. There we go.

No, do not pick the other one up.

Put that one down.

Put your foot down. No, not--

Put them both down at the sa-- Okay.

Now you're just walking. Stop walking!

Now!

St-- No walking!

I want you to stop walking right now.

Do not get near that car.

Wait, get away from it.

No, don't go near that car.

Don't open that door!

Do not open that door!

Don't open it.

Do not open the car door!

Don't you open that door.

Don't! Do not get in that car.

Freeze!

Your butt better not hit that seat.

The-- Okay.

Stay-- Do-- Get-- Get out of there.

Get out of the car right now. No, you don't.

Don't you dare reach for that glove compartment.

Don't reach for that glove compartment!

Get away from the glove compartment!

Get your hand away from the glove compartment!

Don't you open it!

Do not grab that gun!

Whatever you do, dude, you better not grab that gun.

You better not grab that gun.

Do not pull that gun on me.

Put that down!

Don't you pull that gun on me.

No, hey. Put that down.

Don't do it!

Damn it! God damn it!

Damn it. Not again.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey. How you doing? How you doing?

Hey. What's going on? How you doing?

How you doing?

You look off. Come on. Go ahead.

Oh. Come on. Will you? Hey hey. Come on!

No. Don't. Stop it. Stop it.

- That's fun. - That's fun. I like it.

You big. You big.

- I know you. - How are you?

I don't think I like you. I don't think--

- No. No. - No!

Hey. What ya eating? What ya eating?

Get the [bleep] away from me!

- Oh, but that's food. - [bleep] off!

- That's food, though. - [bleep] off.

Damn.

I like that. I like the way you look.

You look good to me.

- You were doing. Sorry. - That's okay. It happens.

- Hey, what's up there? - What's up? There's some--

- Is there something up there? - Yes.

- Is it up there? - Yes.

- Hey. Come here. You up there. - I want to eat you in my mouth.

- You up there. - I want to eat you in my mouth.

No, no. Get away, get away.

I wanna be there. I wanna be there.

- I see you. - Come down.

Come here.

And it's been a wonderful season.

And you have been a wonderful crowd. And thank you so much.

Hmm. We appreciate your passion.

We appreciate you guys watching the show and being fans.

Because, without you, we do not have a show.

- You know what I wanna do? - I know what you wanna do.

- I want to put the... - pussy on the chain wax.

Yeah!

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah.