Original subtitles

I'll tell you one thing-- When the Unsullied

make it to Westeros, they're gonna annihilate people.

Wait, wait, dude, hold up.

- It's gonna be crazy. - First of all, slow down.

Second of all, I'm not up to that yet.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - No, yeah.

- I didn't know that. - I will erase it.

Ass is like da-dow, blizz-ow. I'm like, "peace."

You know what I'm saying? Like--

Jordan, right now-- like, right now-- you must listen

to how this white dude is talking to black people.

Get out of my face with yo Tommy Bahama ass.

I'm trying to make some big dough. I'm a DJ.

- No, no. - "I'm a DJ."

I put that pussy on the chain wax, son.

He puts the pussy on the chain--

That's pathetic. That's pathetic.

What's up, girl?

He's walking this way. He's totally walking this way.

Oh, no, I can't. I can't. I can't.

Just go with it, dude. Just go with it.

- Hey! - I can't.

Hey! how's it going?

- Key and Peele, right? - Good.

So stoked you guys are here. Thanks for coming out.

You guys rock. Awesome.

Yo, Kevin, Let me get some red vines!

- Want to get out of here? - Yep.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Thank you so much.

I am Keegan-Michael Key.

- And I'm Jordan Peele. - And we are Key and Peele.

Thank you for coming out tonight, everybody.

Thank you for coming.

You know what we're fed up with?

The news.

Well, yes, we talk about the news a lot.

- The news is annoying to us. - Right.

The way that the news stations are getting their news now

is just basically from the internet.

Yeah, yeah, it's like they're checking their iPads

at the desk.

Uh, next we will discuss a new way

to double your penis size...

That is...

My mom and I used to watch the local news together.

And if a guy came on the news and said,

"There was a carjacking on Six Mile Road,"

my mom would go, "Oh, please be white, please be white."

Mm-hmm.

Then be like, "and we'll be back with more news

on the Nigerian Prince who needs some money."

"But first...

a car chase ensued down on Eight Mile and, uh..."

Oh, oh, let this one guy be white, please.

"where-- where he stole a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice..."

Might be white! Might be white!

Might be white!

Might be white.

"and a pack of Now and Laters."

Damn it!

Good evening, St. Paul.

It's your city news at 5:00. I'm Jamie Throneburg.

And I'm Marcy Whitchurch.

Winter weather advisories are in effect

across Central Minnesota tonight.

With more on that, weatherman Isaac Labuda.

Isaac.

Thanks, Marcy.

A major system is zipping across the region.

Outside temp right now, 8 degrees,

but it feels like 20 below.

Jamie.

Well, stay off the roads if you can, folks.

Lots of reports of black ice.

Ooh, you got to watch out for that dangerous black ice.

It's transparent and sneaky. Hard to see black ice.

That's right, Marcy.

Keep your loved ones safe and warn them

to stay off the street tonight

because of menacing, life-robbing black, black ice.

Isaac.

We have Channel 17's field reporter,

Darren Hepner, with more.

Darren?

Yeah...

I'm standing out here at historic Ramsey Hill,

where there are currently no cars on the street

due to, uh...

hazardous driving conditions.

Darren, are you talking about black ice?

That's right.

Ooh, jeez, it's frightening

Just to even say "black ice."

It's scary, tricky, ruthless stuff, that black ice.

A perfectly safe neighborhood can be suddenly terrorized

by the appearance of black ice.

Well, one must keep in mind that,

just because black ice looks different than white ice,

it doesn't make it any more dangerous.

Also, one must remember

how hard it is for black ice to survive,

what with the authorities trying to destroy it

with the snow plows and salt trucks,

but black ice perseveres.

Uh-huh, that's right. That's right.

And as you can see right now,

the city is being controlled

by lots of oppressive white snow,

making it hard for all people to advance.

And we don't hear much "news" about that,

Now, do we?

No, we do not!

Well, thank you very much, Brother Darren.

But let's be honest-- Black ice is the real menace.

Last night I was in a perfectly safe neighborhood,

walking away from an A.T.M. machine,

when black ice just snuck up on me

and practically robbed me of my balance.

Ouch. That sounds exactly like something black ice would do.

Well, I just hope that folks watch out so the white snow

doesn't blind them and keep them from seeing

what's really going on.

All I'm saying is I can't think

of a single Christmas song about black ice.

Lots of cheerful, uplifting songs about snow, so...

Well...

For the record, black ice never asked to be out here.

No, it did not!

It's a product of the environment.

Ooh, Hallelujah!

In fact, black ice didn't land on the road.

The road landed on black ice!

Whoo! Amen!

Okay.

Next up, why is America being ruined by black people?

Hello. You must be Detective Hobbs.

I am your new partner, Joshua Taye.

Um, wha--you know--

Uh, your last partner, Detective Jimenez,

I never met him, but I hear he left

some pretty big shoes to fill.

Let's get one thing straight.

You're never gonna fill Jimenez's shoes, ever.

Jimenez was a good man, better cop.

Fill Jimenez's shoes?

The tip of your dick couldn't fill a bottle cap.

I-I'm very sorry if that came out wrong.

I'm sure Jimenez was a great cop.

The best!

Okay.

Uh...

So these prostitute murders--

Um... Seems like a serial killer.

Could be.

I actually worked out a theory.

I don't give a hobo's hat about your theory.

You think Jimenez worked off of theories,

like some kind of a needle-dick Charles Darwin?

Not on your ass.

Jimenez always shot straight from the dick.

You think you're Jimenez?

Absolutely not.

You're goddamn right you're not!

I just said I'm--

Jimenez would've busted 20 perps

in the time it'd take you to pull up your pants

over your itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot ba-pee-pee.

Two daughters, raising 'em on his own.

You want that job? Huh, Mr. Babydick?

What is going on?

- You want to be their daddy? - No!

You know what? I think--

I think we got off on the wrong foot.

- Not Jimenez. - Oh...

Jimenez got off on the right foot

every goddamn day of his goddamn life...

Uh-huh.

Which is more than I can say

for your pebble-penis-havin' ass.

- What? - Jimenez wannabe!

I can assure you I don't want to be Jimenez!

Why not? What's wrong with Jimenez?

There's nothing wrong with Jimenez.

Then why wouldn't you want to be like him?

I don't know. You said--

Smurf pecker!

Okay, I'm out. I can't--

I can't make this work.

Jimenez would've made it work.

Come back from Florida soon, Jimenez.

Jordan, would you say that

there's a distinct possibility that, perhaps,

Star Wars might be a little bit racist?

- Oh, yes. - Just a little bit.

There's, like, two black guys in the whole universe.

Not only is it far, far away,

it's clearly a long, long time ago.

Right.

So last year we had--

we had the incomparable Billy Dee Williams on our show.

Mm-hmm.

And he's in Empire Strikes Back.

And his coolness makes it look like he's in a different movie,

'cause my man just walks up talking about,

"Hey, Han. Chewbacca."

And they had Samuel L. Jackson.

My man had the first purple lightsaber.

Yeah.

How you gonna give Mace Windu

a grape-flavored lightsaber?

What?

Lando! What? Oh, snap!

Yo, Lando!

Yo, Lando Calrissian!

Oh, hi. Yeah, that's me.

Oh... dude! Lando!

Yo! Yo, you straight up running Cloud City right now, dog!

That's you, man!

You out there just--

Swoosh!

Well, you know, I-I do my best.

Zeef, man. Zeef Howdo. Big fan, big fan.

Well, Zeef, it's real nice to make your acquaintance.

Straight up, though-- Straight up, man.

You an inspiration to all of us, man.

You insp-- you're the reason I'm out here in Cloud City, dog.

- Man, I ain't even joking, man. - That's nice.

- But, yo, ideally, though? - Yeah?

Ideally-- On an ideal situation,

I would be doing like what you're doing.

I'd be up there, like, in the high chambers

of Cloud City, dog.

Well, Zeef, it's nice to meet you.

Yo, right on, man,

'cause they got me in the carbonite room

right now, son.

That's bull[bleep], right?

They got me working with some pig dudes and whatnot.

Yo, I ain't no pig, you know?

And you ever notice, man,

there ain't a lot of brothers out here, man, in space.

Right? It's like they're trying to keep us down, man.

You know, I-I don't think that it's the policy.

I just think it's really, really difficult

to get to this level.

You've got to understand the politics of the Empire

and, at the same time,

all the motivations of the Rebel Alliance.

- All that, man, all that. - You've got--

All that, all that, all that, all that, all that.

But ideally, though, man?

Ideally, what I'm talking about is, like, me and you--

we should, like, do something together, though, man,

'cause if you think about it, yo, when I was younger, man,

I used to fly those landspeeders all the time.

My friends was like, "Man, you should be piloting

one of the X-Wings," right?

And so that's, like, disappointing, man,

'cause I got here, and they just had me, like,

cleaning up the R2 units after the X-Wings come in.

Zeef, I got to go.

You should prob-- Oh, no.

Man, I'm saying, man, how do we contact one another?

'cause that's the most important thing--

that we contact one another,

'cause, yo, look, man, ideally, though?

Ideally though?

I would get to fly, somehow, like, the Millennium Falcon.

Like, that would be cool.

And, yo, let me get you my-- like, my cont--

I got my card in here somewhere.

Man, I'm just trying

to find this, like, pocket right here,

'cause these-- sometimes, these suits,

- they don't got no pockets. - You know what, Zeef?

Just give your information to Lobot here,

and we'll be in touch.

Lobot?

Man, I see how it is.

I got to talk to your mandroid right now?

Man, [bleep] you, [bleep]!

Little white-ass hair!

Why you wearing a cape, though, huh?

Where you going, the ice planet Hoth?

Outrageous.

Welcome to Metta World News.

Our top story--

The pope is thinking of moving out the Vatican

so feral cats can live there.

Now, let's go to "Homemaker's Corner"

with Metta World Peace.

Thank you, Metta.

You need five plastic grocery bags

to make an effective parachute.

Thanks, Metta, and you will die

if you try that.

Well, that wraps up Metta World News

for this Wednesday, November Morning Star Cocktail Napkin.

I'm Metta World Peace. Good night.

You guys like jazz?

All right, yeah, yeah.

We just think that jazz is really great.

It never tries to be pop music.

It's just like, "Hey, man, deal with it.

"If you don't like it--

"I'm a genius."

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Ahh...

Wha...

We, uh--we like to give support

to our gay brothers and sisters.

Yes, we do. Lots of legislation--

a lot of things going their way recently.

Having their civil rights movement right now.

Healthcare coming their way, marriage coming their way.

Now they can all get within the bond

of holy matrimony, and then you too

can be as miserable as the rest of us.

- That's right. - So, by all means, please.

It must've been hard for the gay guy who was, you know,

using the fact that they couldn't get married

as his excuse to not get married.

The day it got legal, this guy was sweating bullets.

Ow, yeah.

We gettin' married!

Is that-- Is that in every state?

Oh, no.

Oh, boy.

Hello, Lashawn. Hello, Carousel.

Ooh, Sammy, Carousel had another premonition.

Oh, what was it this time?

She says an ostrich

is going to escape from the zoo today.

Nope, she heard that on the news last night,

so that's a thing that actually happened in real life already.

Okay, well, better late than never.

All right, well, go make daddy some chamomile.

Let's go. Mm.

Come on, go around. Use the Force.

There you go.

Lashawn.

Lashawn, I just got this letter from my insurance company.

It looks like we are officially on the same insurance.

- What? - Yes.

Yes.

- Sammy, we did it! - I can't believe this.

I mean, we're finally

not gonna be treated like second-class citizens.

Oh, my God, I want to see, I want to see, I want to see.

I want-- No, don't show me. Just tell me.

What are we covered? What are we covered?

- How are we covered? - It's good insurance.

- We get dental and-- - Dental!

Oh, my God, make me an appointment right now, Sammy.

No, Lashawn, You got to take it--

I'm gonna get a ruby filling and a fang for apples.

- A fang? - Yes, a single, solitary fang

for tricky fruits and bottle caps.

You understand that that's kind of an elective procedure,

- which means it wouldn't be-- - Oh, my God.

Well, I'm going to proceed to elect the fang

- the president of my mouth. - Okay.

And then I'm going to get my voice "loudened"!

Voice "loudened."

Yes, so I can...

♪ talk to birds

All right, so, well, I don't know

if we're going to find a dentist who can do that.

Also, it's not covered in this insurance

- Because it's the basic... - Uh-huh, yeah.

- Dental and vision. - Uh-huh.

Vision! Did you say vision?

- Oh, my God. - I did say vision.

Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, what?

- Sammy, what? Sammy! - That is my name.

I'm gonna have one contact that looks like a cat eye

and another contact that looks like a cat's face

that's missing an eye.

You don't wear contacts.

I'm gonna have a third eye that looks like the letter "I,"

and it's gonna be in my eye, and I'm gonna be like,

"I... see you."

Lashawn...

You don't wear contacts, so there's no reason--

Well, I'm going to need to wear contacts

when I have my eyebrows redid because they say

that kind of procedure will "scrumple" the corneas.

You're not getting your eyebrows redid, redone...

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - Undone, done.

I'm gonna have 'em switched on my face,

so when I get mad, I look delighted!

Do you understand that insurance

is only for real medical problems?

And even then, we have a deductible.

I'm going to deduct the fat from my ass

and put it in my "fangles,"

so when I wave, I look like Mickey Mouse.

Okay, all right.

Listen to what I'm telling you right now.

- What? - Insurance is not for you

to have the bottom half of your body cut off

and you sewn to a horse so you can experience

- what it's like to be a... - centaur

Oh, my God, Sammy, that's a good idea.

It's not a good idea because you'd die almost immediately.

Oh, it'd be worth it, Sammy. It would be so worth it.

Sammy, please, tell me I can.

I know that you want to do that, but you can't do it.

It's not covered by the insurance.

- Oh, Sammy! come on! - It's not--

Why you got to be the '80s to my disco right now?

- Why do you have to, hmm? - I'm not trying--

You don't. That's the answer. You don't.

I'm just trying to be the reality to your dementia.

I'm gonna have two stomachs!

I'm gonna get another stomach.

One for cherries and one for corn.

- Oh, my God. - That's right, Sammy.

I'm gonna go to couples therapy alone

- and just play both parts. - Yeah.

I'm gonna go to the gynecologist

and just ask questions till I get it.

Oh, and I got another question--

a few questions about how many different parts

of your body you can make blink.

'cause I want to get my "earlids" done

and then my foot pockets.

Foot pockets are this invention I've been thinking of...

where you can just put...

your keys up by your ankles.

Then I'm gonna have a coaster put in my shoulder,

so when I go to a bar, I can say,

"You want a drink on me?"

And then I'm just gonna be, like, a monster,

and then for Halloween, I'm gonna dress up

like a normal human being.

Thank you, everybody.

You guys have-- You guys have been--

Uh, you guys have been great tonight.

And we just wanted to say thank you

and say good-bye as well, and--

Jimenez would never have said good-bye.

Good night, everybody.

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah.