Original subtitles

Hoo! Great hike today, buddy.

I was coming up that last hill,

And I turned around and you were nowhere to be found.

Mm-hmm.

Thought I was gonna have to go back and get you.

Uh, at least we made it.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you, I talk in my sleep.

- Oh. - Yeah, quite a bit, actually,

So if it bothers you, just wake me up.

- Okay, buddy. - Cool.

- Good night. - Good night.

Dick head.

You stupid dick head.

"Hey, Jordan, oh, let's go camping, come on.

"Oh, Jordan, keep hiking. We're almost there.

"Oh, buddy."

So much [bleep] energy.

Just shove that clif bar up your ass,

You bald [bleep]sucker.

Jordan, Jordan.

[bleep] you, Keegan... hyphen... Michael... Key.

Jordan, wake up,

- you're talking in your sleep. - Not asleep yet.

- Oh! - Whoa.

- Muay thai. - Muay thai, muay thai.

- Thank you, thank you. - Thank you.

You guys are awesome!

Thank you so much. I am Keegan-Michael Key.

- I'm Jordan Peele. - And we are Key and Peele.

Yeah, so...

Thank you.

Uh, ladies, are you-- how you doing tonight?

You're good. They're good.

Every lady I've ever dated

somehow gets the impression I can fight.

Oh, that's-- that's bad news right off the bat.

- That's bad news. - 'cause he cannot, yes.

- I can--well-- - Nor can I.

If I guy says something disrespectful

to a lady that I'm with,

I'll just pretend like I didn't--

- I-I went blind. - Somehow you didn't hear it?

- Oh, man. - Did you hear that?

- I didn't--sss-- - Did you hear what he just

- said to me right here? - I just had

temporary blind- and deafness. I don't know what's--

- He was standing right here. - He said that?

He was standing right here, calling me a--

Where he at, where he at? He left?

- See. aw, man. - No, he right here.

- He right here. - No, I don't know

where you pointing. I don't know what--

No, he's right-- he's right here.

He's listening to you talk right now.

- Step to me! - No, no.

- Show yourself! - This way. He's--

- It ain't happening. - He's right here.

He is right-- He is right--

- Baby, baby, baby. - Oh, well--

- Can you totally chill out? - No, I'm so annoyed right now.

Can you, like, not talk to me for, like, a second?

Like, that'd be great. That'd be fine.

That'd be fine by me.

What? Oh, my God, are you serious?

This is bull[bleep]. What could possibly

be the problem with letting two more people in?

Check your girl, bro.

- I'm sorry. - Excuse me, what did you say?

"Check your girl"? Uh-uhh, It doesn't work like that.

No one checks me because I'm not luggage.

Okay? So you can go [bleep] yoursee-elf.

Meegan, seriously,

Two more people are gonna come out in a couple of seconds,

and then we can go in.

No! Let me ask you a question.

What was it like being in The Green Mile?

He wasn't in The Green Mile!

He clearly wasn't in that movie.

What does Tom Hanks's penis feel like?

- Meegan! - Moreover, how does it feel

when swarms of bees are coming out of your face?

Seriously, I'm sorry. It's, like, her favorite movie.

Don't apologize for me!

Yeah, this is nice, this is nice.

You look like Common meets The Incredible Hulk.

- Meegan-- - When you brought

the frankincense to Baby Jesus, Did they, like...

- Oh. - make you stand

outside the barn because you were too big,

or did they invite you in with all the other animals?

Don't flare your nostrils at me,

- okay? - He's--

Do you have any idea how impolite that is?

He hasn't moved his nostrils once since we got here.

- I saw them move! - They did not move, Meegan.

They flared!

Meegan, they [bleep] did not move!

Your nostrils flared more than a survivor from a boat accident.

What?

He's not even looking me in the eyes.

Okay, you know what?

If you're just going to continue to be a little prick,

you're gonna get your ass kicked.

Don't touch him, Mee-- Meegan.

Crazy bitch.

Oh!

I totally love my nails right now.

I'm so over everything right now,

over the floor, I'm over the sky, I'm over you,

over that pussy back there.

You're a pussy!

- Meegan, seriously. - Whatever.

Nice legs, little lady.

Um, excuse me?

Oh, God!

Hey, what did you say?

What the [bleep] did you just say?

You guys come back here with your little itty-bitty dicks.

You best control your lady.

- Yup. - Excuse--

"Control your lady"? No, he doesn't control me,

'cause let me tell you something, I'm not a remote.

Meegan, baby, can we just let this go?

No, I'm talking to the Pussies of Anarchy right now.

- Oh, boy. - Yeah, you.

Why don't you all gather yourselves,

and why don't you just go and figure out a way

to [bleep] on each other's leathery peni.

Hey, [bleep] you, bitch!

-Oh, no.

It's not even the plural of "penis."

Yeah!

I'm the queen of the world!

Yes! I feel invincible!

Like I have super powers or something. Ha ha!

You hear that, all you [bleep] of the world?

I can do anything I want, and no one can stop me.

Because you don't have to fight your own fights,

you crazy bitch!

Oh, boy.

Oh, no.

Ugh! Oh.

Nothing can stop me!

Action.

Hey, have you ever found yourself

in High Point, North Carolina, and not feeling safe?

Come on down to Doug Duggart's Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.

You will learn to tackle and grapple,

And--

like a ultimate fighting pro.

At my studio, you get hands-on training,

and individual attention.

So hut! Hut!

Tackle and grapple.

Take on multiple enemies.

This is a tackle. That's a grapple.

This is a tackle.

That's a grapple.

Get-- There we go.

Tackle and grapple!

All ages, learn to protect yourself and your loved ones.

There are many different levels.

There's the beginner level,

and if you pass my private one-on-one sensei trial,

you may make it into the advanced class.

Tackle and grapple!

Doug Duggart's Brazilian Jiu Jitsu

at the High Point mini mall. Just east of the pizza barn

two doors down from Carl's Discount Wheels and Furniture.

So-- quick tackle! Get down.

No, stay-- stay away.

Special discounts for college students.

S-- Mm, move it. Get your leg back.

Put your leg back there.

There's an elevator etiquette,

and people gotta be following this etiquette.

When I get on an elevator and I press six

and the light lights up, and you get in the elevator,

if you're going to six and you see the light's lit up,

don't [bleep] touch the button.

Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit diddle-diddle-dit

dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit diddle-diddle-dit.

What are you doing, Morse code up in here?

Yeah, that's right, man, I'm sending--

sending a telegram.

Sometimes it makes the doors go faster.

- Oh, yeah? - You want to really

- get it going... - Uh-huh.

- You gotta warm it up. - Yeah, yeah.

- Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit. - Yeah. yeah,

The doors have not yet closed, sir.

Every elevator's different, man.

I'm a elevator whisperer, really, is what I am.

This one needs a little care, needs a little tender--

tender TLC. Come on, baby.

What's--

Come on, baby. Let's get it going.

Let's get it going.

She's not responding to you.

You know, I'm just-- just gonna take the next one.

Yeah, all right, all right.

Uh, I actually pressed it already.

- Mmm? - The walk button, I pressed it.

Couldn't hurt to press it again.

But it won't help.

I mean, I pressed it already, right?

It's already done.

You don't think I didn't press it?

No, I wasn't saying that.

Good, 'cause I most certainly did press it.

Just have to wait for it to change.

So I'm, like, late for work,

So I'm just-- just gonna press it.

What for? Why would you do something that's already done?

I mean, I just think that that's crazy, right?

- I dunno. - You wouldn't suit up

and try to kill Bin Laden again. It's done.

I have killed the Bin laden of pressing this button.

How long ago did you press it?

What do you think, I've been standing here for days?

- I-- - I just pressed it

right as you walked up.

Are you sure you pressed it?

Am I sure I pressed it? It's--how could I miss it?

Rats know how to press buttons.

Do you think I'm dumber than a rat?

No. No, nobody's saying anything like that, man.

It's gonna change. Just--just wait.

It's because I pressed it already.

Okay, no offense. I'm just gonna press it.

What would you do that for? This is precision equipment

Designed by people with engineering degrees.

It will work.

I pressed it, sir! I pressed the button!

While we've been standing here,

the light cycle has gone by twice, okay?

I'm not saying you didn't press it.

I'm just saying maybe it didn't work!

If it didn't work for me,

why in the world would it work for you?

You think that it would change faster if you pressed it?

You think the light doesn't like me, or something,

or do you think that this particular button was designed

so that it only works

after the second time that it's been pressed?

'cause that's lunacy, okay? Do you understand?

Do not cut my balls off on this one, okay?

Please, do not press the button...

again.

Okay, fine! We'll just stand here!

Thank you.

- What? - Hey, no!

Oh! oh!

Told you shouldn't have pressed the button.

Told him not to do that.

No, actually, I already pressed the button, sir.

All right, fellas, Coming to the stage next

is the beautiful Galaxy.

- Hey, baby. - Hey, baby.

Oh.

Gon' be for you.

You can keep it.

There's more where that came from too.

Trust me.

There's my girl. Oh, damn.

I'm straight up talkin' 'bout some Darryl Dawkins right here,

Because this some chocolate thunder.

What, girl? Make it rain!

Yeah.

- Oh, yeah, girl. - I try to make it last!

What--

All right, girl, mmm.

Sha-pam! I'ma get it right in the booty right there.

Uh, and booty-swam!

That's what you call a booty investment.

Sha-blam!

But you really don't need to give 'em that much.

I don't think they're expecting all that.

Whoo!

It's kind of like feeding a squirrel, you know?

I mean, they will come back to you, so--

Oh, oh, oh, my gosh. Some of this is getting lost.

Let's get it right where it needs to be.

- Right in there, baby. oh, yeah. - Keep it classy.

- Ha ha ha! - Keep it classy.

Oh, [bleep], somebody better get a umbrella,

'cause I can't stop making it rain.

It's like Noah's flood up in here.

Whoo, two by two, baby. Two by two! Ha ha!

Baby, you don't know that I'm the General,

'cause it's Stormin' Norman. That's what they be calling me.

- Ahh. - Damn.

Anyway, like I said, when you finish training,

we'll get Scotty Musso up in here.

That [bleep] can train a boxer.

Ooh, Lord have mercy.

You don't know nothing about this.

Make it rain!

- Aah! - What the--

Are you an idiot?

Leon, get this guy outta here.

All right, nobody move! There he is.

There who is?

- You, on your feet! - What?

- On your feet. - What I do?

You're under arrest for photocopying money.

Oh, goddamn it!

You know how long it took me to cut all that out?

I got carpal tunnel syndrome up in this bitch,

calluses on the inside of my thumbs.

That's definitely real, though.

Remember the character that Laurence Fishburne played

in Boyz N the Hood? Furious, right?

We love those characters who are--like, the older dudes

who just have to be spouting advice

to everybody in the movie.

Dude walking around with some sort of food in his hand.

Want a lemonhead, son? You want a lemonhead?

You want a lemonhead, son? Want a lemonhead?

I got corn nuts in this hand, lemonheads in this hand.

Which one you want?

The funny thing about those dudes,

those dudes, they're never, like, in their 70s.

They were always, like, in their 40s or 50s.

- Mm-hmm. - [bleep], why is you--

- why don't you have a job? - Yeah.

- How are you giving me advice? - Where is your job?

He's just, like, you know, sitting on--

Boy, you need to get out there and get yourself employed,

- so something with your life. - Mm-hmm.

'cause I ain't got time for no monkey business.

Mm-hmm.

And what do you do for a living, sir?

L-- Advise.

Mm, brothers, brothers, brothers,

see, when are we gon' think of ourselves as more than this?

What y'all doing, y'all rollin'? huh?

Flippin'? Stoopin'?

Boxin'? Maxin'?

Chaxin'?

I used to stoop. Oh, yeah.

I used to flip, roll, you know, whatever you want to call it.

Me and my crew,

we would get into activity, much like yourselves.

You see, the problem was, we were only perpetuating

the stereotype the system already assumes about us.

Mm. You see, we need to

stop feeding into the preconceived notions

that we are all--

Great job, you guys. You really work hard today.

I wish I could pay you more, but you know how it is.

Eh--who are you, huh? What do you want?

I-I don't know.

As you were.

As you were what, smart guy?

Mmm. Oh, ho. Brothers, brothers, brothers,

Look at yourselves. Pants hangin' off your ass,

Looking like a couple of clowns--

which you are. okay, Enjoy the birthday celebration.

Gimme your [bleep] money, Bitch!

- No! No! - I said,

- gimme your [bleep] money, bitch! - Oh! Oh!

Brother, brother, brother.

Sir, everybody in this self-defense class

has already paid to participate.

If you're interested, you can sign up online.

- I'm interested. - Good.

That's why I came over here. I'm interested.

I'm gon' think about it.

- I'm interested. - Thank you, sir.

Now, ladies, it's gon' get really intense today,

no matter what happens.

I will be groping your breastasies

as if you were being attacked like a real attacker.

Brother, brother, my brother. Now, I was watching you.

Now, you older brothers need to break the stereotype

and stop being so preachy.

- You know what? - Mm?

- I'm preachy? - Mm.

Come on.

You preachy, man. Plus, you older than me.

I'm nine years old. I got Benjamin Button's disease.

S-- I'm done. I'm done.

"Oh, nature's gonna be so great once we get--"

Shove nature up your ass, you bald [bleep]sucker.

And by "bald [bleep]sucker," I mean you suck bald [bleep].

Still awake.

Do you guys-- do you guys like funk music?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I tell you, funk music is a real testament

to what a big group of people can do

- when they take acid together. - Yes.

It's really... It's just fantastic.

It looks like a Halloween party for kids

- when the parents was just drunk. - Yeah, right, exactly.

It's like, "I don't know, just put some [bleep] on."

"I don't--put this on and just-- blip!

"Just stick on that in the head

- "and wear nothing but a diaper." - Yeah, you know.

And the funny thing is, the lyrics are just kind of

a combination of some mode of transportation...

- Mm-hmm. - a food,

- and an animal. - Mm-hmm.

♪ Intergalactic hang glider with a dog ♪

Mm-hmm.

- And just get it in there. - Yeah.

♪ Ostrich farm vanilla puddin' Give it to me, y'all ♪

Right?

That's it.

Might've made too much sense there.

Yeah, might have made too much sense, yeah.

It might've made-- like, "No, that's not funky,

''cause I knew what the [bleep] he was talking about."

I knew what that meant.

♪ Got a pocket full of funky with a peppermint twist ♪

♪ She's a cool, shifty mama blastin' off on the flip ♪

♪ Iridescent pork belly galactic super train ♪

♪ Mama sister playground with a straw daddy cane ♪

♪ Uh-huh

- ♪ Gotta get it up - ♪ Hey

- ♪ Gotta get it on - ♪ Uh

- ♪ Gotta get it down - ♪ Hey

♪ Gotta make it strong

♪ Got that quick dip crayon earthquake jet pack on a bun ♪

♪ Locomotive supernova Spanish Harlem sun ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Slick crawfish solar blast with a phosphorescent brain ♪

♪ Who's that mama squat town? Deep fried Detroit soda train ♪

♪ Gotta shake it up

♪ Gotta move it in

♪ Gotta put it down

♪ You gotta make it swim

♪ Nebulatic comets sanitation disease ♪

♪ Quick play tornado rip and tickle beef sneeze ♪

♪ Hey

♪ Ships planets justice cannons, cables, and trees ♪

♪ Soctor's office penguin shillings, railroads, and peas ♪

♪ I said crippled donkey Mel Brooks book train ♪

♪ Bats on my knees

♪ Penicillin trapdoor laser currency beans ♪

♪ He say penicillin trapdoor laser currency beans ♪

Hey, what the hell are we saying, man?

I got no idea, man. I'm just hungry

and talking about the galaxy and trash.

I think they buying it, though.

- Tackle and grapple-- No? - Tackle and grap!

- We tackle and grapple. - You want we go

- tackle and grapple? - Gonna go tackle and grap.

Tackle-- look at these. Tackle and grapple!

- No, no, no. - Tackle and grapple.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Good night, everybody. Good night.

- Tackle and grapple. - You stay there.

- Man. - Tackle.

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah.