Original subtitles

I am here with Ozamataz Buckshank,

the rookie out of Stanford University

who is undoubtedly the MVP of today's game

with an interception that he runs back for a touchdown

in the last 30 seconds of the contest.

Ozamataz, can you walk us through what happened

in that last play?

- It was amazing. - Yeah, we knew we had to go

out there, give 100%, and we executed.

It just went our way today.

And was the quarterback giving you

any clues today, Oz?

It looked like you knew that ball was gonna be there.

What was happening?

We wanted to have some fun, you know, execute.

Play one quarter at a time, give 100%.

Oh--okay, okay. You know, let's just--

Let's talk about last week's game.

You guys lost a heartbreaker.

Give me your state of mind, then versus now.

We wanted to do it play by play,

give it 100%, execution-wise.

- Execute. - Okay.

I'm gonna ask you something completely different

that's not about football.

Look at me, Oz.

just look at me for a second.

I'm gonna ask you a question right here.

That a boy. So you and your wife

recently had-- right here.

Stay with me.

You and your wife recently had twins, okay?

How does it feel to be a new dad?

You know, we wanted to stay As a team, execute,

give 100%, play by play.

Okay, you know what, I'm gonna just--I'm just gonna--

I'm gonna do a little test right now.

Hey, Oz, how'd you get to the game today?

They a good team, great team, 100%.

And what'd you have for dinner last night?

- 100%. - 100%. Yeah, you did.

Of course. 100% of whatever 100% was.

You know what, can you just do me a favor

and tell me one specific thing?

Like, just one actual, original observation that you had

about today's game?

The game that you won almost single-handedly.

Do you think that you could do that, Oz?

- Oh, 100%. - Oh, God damn it!

- Hey. - All right.

Thank you.

- All right. - Thank you, everybody, so much.

Thank you, thank you. Welcome.

- I am Keegan-Michael Key. - I'm Jordan Peele.

And we are Key and Peele.

Thank you.

You guys know when Superman and Batman

meet in comic books and TV shows?

You know--if you're a comic book fan. Yeah.

They always meet, and it's like they're equals.

Yeah. They're not equals.

They're not equals. No.

They're, like, if they're on a stakeout,

like, what's Batman supposed to do?

There are the bad guys.

I'll use my utility belt Freeze--

Got 'em.

Okay.

I'm gonna give you a tour of Gotham.

Please. Of Gotham?

- Yes. - The city?

Yeah, I was gonna get in my Batwing...

- Cool. - and you and I could travel

around, fly through the sky.

Oh, we don't need that.

Just, what, you want to climb on top?

Come on.

Get up on it.

Jump up on it.

Come on. There you go.

Is that-- Is that your utility belt

I'm feeling?

Hello, Skymall Magazine,

this is Riyaz speaking.

Hello, Riyaz. I would like to report

an item which I ordered that arrived broken.

Wendell Sanders, Mockingbird Lane.

That's right.

I am showing the last item that you received

is the Superman bed with the Mattress of Solitude.

That's the one.

Ordered it for my son for his birthday,

but I cannot give it to him like this.

And I'm pretty darn-tootin' pissed about it.

I'm really sorry, sir.

I will start processing your reorder right now

with you on the line, okay?

I ain't mad at you, Riyaz.

It's just the system. I know.

Okay. thank you for understanding, sir.

Kids, eh?

Huh?

Oh, ki--well, yeah, I just got the one myself.

Had sex with a woman and everything to get him.

How long is this gonna--

What is your son's name?

Oh, um...

Stimpy.

Pretty much Stimpy.

I have boys too.

I'll tell you, sometimes they can be

a real couple of you know whats.

[bleep] ass[bleep]?

You're preaching to the choir, Riyaz.

Stimpy, don't you give me that look.

You're gonna get it when your mama comes home.

Oh, my, sounds like your wife is...

Bitch on wheels. You got that straight, Riyaz.

Hot little biscuit, though.

Name's Claire.

Body: ten, face: ten.

So pretty much hit that every night.

Sexually.

Anyway, what's holding up the--

Oh, one moment.

And how old is your son?

- 15. - 15?

And he still wants a Superman bed.

Ah, a late-bloomer.

Enjoy it while you still can.

He'll grow out of the toys any day now.

They all do, and, the second

he starts hooking up with the girls,

he'll forget all about that Superman and Spider-Man stuff.

Pretty much seems like how it would happen.

Maybe then he'll stop bothering me

with all those stupid, little facts about how those characters

you just named are clearly from two distinct

and separate universes.

Sadly, some people never move on.

Sad? I got a better word for you.

Pathetic.

Well, I wouldn't say pathetic.

Hey, I calls 'em likes I sees 'em, Riyaz,

and I don'st tolerate nerds.

In fact, let me nip this in the bud real quick.

Stimpy, Stimpy, get back in here.

- Well, I didn't mean to-- - There you are

with your round body and your creepy-ass face.

No more sweets for you, 'cause you're never gonna get laid

if you keeps eating sweets!

And another thing!

All these figurines and toys you got around the house,

we're throwing 'em in the trash,

'cause they're not real people, Stimpy.

They're not real people, so stop being so lonely.

Stop being so lonely.

Well--and this is none of my business, of course,

but I was wondering if your son would like to talk to someone.

Oh, [bleep]!

Stimpy just jumped out the window.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, he killed himself.

Why'd he do it? It must have been my fault.

No, it wasn't. Yes, it was.

I'm gonna call the cops.

Don't you dare cancel that reorder.

It's the only thing I'll have to remember him by.

Hey, you remember the anti-drug advertisements?

- Yes. - This is my favorite

anti-drug ad.

My favorite anti-drug ad was...

"What is this?

What is this, son?"

You know. "Found this in your room.

"Marijuana!

"Who taught you to do this?"

"I learned it from watching you, dad!"

If you're 14 and you see that, where I'm from,

You go, "That's the coolest dad in the world."

That's the coolest dad.

Nobody likes you, you girl.

Well, you're a different color than me,

and that's bad.

Oh, yeah? Well, you dress like--

Now hold on a second!

Whoa! Mr. T?

Never make fun of a way a man dresses.

The way a man dresses is his business.

Remember that.

Whether it's overalls, chains,

or feather earrings, however they dress,

it's not to be joked about.

I pity the fool that judges another man's clothing.

I'm sorry I judged your clothing.

It's okay.

Hey, Scout, there's a man over there

who said he'll give us candy if we get in his van.

Oh, I don't know If that's a good idea, Timmy.

What are you afraid of?

Is it because you have a stupid name like Scout?

- Hey! - Whoa! Mr. T again.

Never make fun of a person's name.

Your mama gave you that name,

or you made it up for business purposes.

Either way, it's personal.

I pity the fool that make fun of another man's name.

Mr. T's a cool name. It's a cool name, Mr. T.

Hey, Scout, want to do some drugs?

Aren't drugs bad?

I don't know.

If you're afraid of drugs,

we could drink a bunch of alcohol.

Yum, that sounds good.

Well, guess what, your hair is stupid.

Never make fun of another person's hair!

- Hey, Mr. T. - A person's hair

is the artwork that they present to the heavens.

It's just like I've been saying...

♪ Hair

♪ It isn't fair

♪ Beware

♪ People care About their hair ♪

♪ "H" is for the home where I lay my head ♪

♪ And I cry about your mean jokes ♪

♪ in my bed

♪ "A" is for anxiety that fools provoke ♪

♪ When they lookin' at my hair and they makin' jokes ♪

♪ "I" is for I don't like the way I feel ♪

♪ When you're jokin' that my haircut does not appeal ♪

♪ "R" is for the real mean jokes you make ♪

♪ And the hurtful little potshots that you take ♪

And, for your information, it's not even a haircut.

It's a rare form of male pattern baldness.

You fools!

For real.

- What's up? - Last night on Showtimes,

I saw some Lethal Weapon 2.

Lethal Weapon 2 starring the racist-ass Melly Gibsons?

I know, I know, but I got to tell you right up front

and truthfully,

racist-ass Melly Gibsons is still kind of my [bleep].

He's still my [bleep], dog.

I don't know, dog, racist-ass Melly Gibsons?

Dude, I know, I know, but think about it, man.

Think about it. remember when he jacked up

all them mutants into Road Warriors?

Talkin' about...

Bitch was like, "There's nothing in here but sand."

- Yeah. - And then remember

when he had taken that hatchet and chopped up

all them Englands, remember, in The Patriot?

And did it in front of all his kids.

You know what, though?

Racist-ass Melly Gibsons is still my [bleep] too.

- Dog. - Remember when racist-ass

Melly Gibsons was Blue Man Group in Bravehearts?

- Oh, my God, dogs. - They was chopping off

my man's head.

My man was still talking about...

freedom!

Or what about Conspiracy Theories, though?

- What? Oh, come on, man. - What the [bleep]

about Conspiracy Theories, though?

What the [bleep] about Conspiracy Theories, though?

What is going on?

- Come on. - You know racist-ass

- Melly Gibsons be directing too. - Hells, yeah.

- What about Apocalypto? - yo, racist-ass Melly Gibsons

be telling the story of a bunch of crazy-ass,

old-fashioned Mexicans?

who have been in the jungle

getting chased by a panther.

- Yeah, yeah. - My man's straight up going...

Man, and what about that Passions of the Christ, though?

Passions of the Christ, though.

Passions of the Christ.

Passions of the Christ where racist-ass

Melly Gibsons made that movie about Jesus

in a kind of racist-ass way?

- That was my jam. - And you know

what I just realized, though?

What's that, dog? What's that?

You know what would be my [bleep]?

What would be your [bleep], though?

If racist-ass Melly Gibsons

costarred in a movie with Jesus.

Wait, now you talking about the savior of all?

The King of all Kings? The Alpha and the Omega?

And Jesus.

That would be my...

♪ [bleep]

For this segment, we're not gonna have

a big, huge preamble here.

I just simply want to say that this scene,

this offering if you will,

is for the ladies.

- What up, homies? - Welcome to...

- Cunnilingus class. - I'm Shaboots Michaels.

I'm T-Ray Tombstone.

And we're here to teach y'all how to...

go down on bitches right.

Now bitches ain't being satisfied, so check it.

Quit sucking on that [bleep] so damn hard.

Bitches don't like that nonsense.

That's like putting the tip

of your penis in the vacuum.

- Y'all need to... - chill on the [bleep].

- Go around that business. - That's like a button

made of a million penis tops.

Now every bitch like her cunnilingus

- a little bit different. - Vaginas are like snowflakes.

Snowflakes is different. Learn your bitch's snowflake.

Ask your bitch what she wants.

Then do what she says.

Some bitches like it in circles.

Some bitches like it up and down.

Some bitches like it hard.

Some bitches like it soft.

Communicate with your bitches.

Make the alphabet with your tongue.

A-B-C-D...

And when she grab your hair

like she gonna pull your damn head off...

stay with that letter.

I'm talking about B...

or D...

Vaginas deserve respect.

You don't want someone slapping around

your little homey.

- You with the hat. - Yo.

How you like your BJs?

Damn, dog, all the time.

Shut the [bleep] up!

That's 'cause penises is easy,

and vaginas is hard.

- They're... - confusing!

Imagine there's an explosion at the envelope factory.

Flaps everywhere. A world of flaps.

And you need to lick your way out the factory.

But every bitch's flaps is different.

Learn your bitch's particular flaps.

- Flaps be... - crazy!

Every flap need to be listened to.

And then you will get out of that factory alive.

Stay down there.

Plan your breathing like your swimming.

- You gotta be talking about... - stroke, stroke, breathe.

Stroke, stroke, breathe.

All right. Let's take a five-minute break.

And when we come back, we gonna talk

about warming your bitches up before you get busy.

And how to last for more than two damn minutes.

Take a peach and practice.

- Practice on a peach. - Take a peach and practice.

- Practice on a peach. - Take a peach and practice.

- Practice on a peach.

Well, I think it's gonna work.

30 down, 3 billion to go.

Welcome to Metta World News.

Our top story-- ninja costumes don't come

in size triple-X, which is discriminatory

against enormous assassins.

Do you know what? Forget about the teleprompter.

I need to speak from the heart.

Well, that wraps up Metta World News

for this Wednesday, May Staple Gun Hairbrush.

I'm Metta World Peace. Good night.

I made this mistake in the past.

If there's any question whether a woman's pregnant or not,

just don't say [bleep] about it.

This is what happened to me. Just be the woman.

Hey, Jordan.

I said, "Oh, congratulations."

Congratulations for what?

Hoo-hoo.

And now I'm at the point where, I don't care

how many signals I get,

I just won't even say anything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm with you.

- It's contractions now. - Yeah, I got some gas myself.

- Oh, God. - I'm gonna sit down with you.

- Oh! - I'm gonna sit down with you.

Me and you are--

Oh, that is...

Looks like, but I can't be sure...

I can't be sure.

Mwah.

Okay, that's clearly a child.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

- I'm not pregnant. What the-- - What the--

Thank you, sir.

All right.

All right, how's everybody-- How's everybody doing?

All right, and you guys

- can all hear me okay? - Yeah.

I know this guy can right here.

Boy, this guy's ears are so big,

He's laughing at jokes from the Yuk-Yuk Club

all the way on the other side of town.

All right.

And you, sir, you're doing okay?

And you're getting enough to eat?

Is that even possible?

Thank you, sir.

Folks, I'm sorry,

I'm gonna get everybody tonight.

Nobody is safe. I'm getting everybody.

Except for you, sir. I'm gonna leave you alone.

Just like your date did tonight. Hello!

Huh? All right.

Okay, who's next?

Who is next?

Hey, ma'am, I get it, you have breasts, okay?

Jeez, I mean, look at this chick over here.

Her cleavage is giving the Grand Canyon

an inferiority complex.

You skipped me.

Who's talking right now?

Do me.

Yeah, hey, man.

Look at that pink shirt you got on there.

Wow, where'd you get that? Queertshirts.com?

It's in support Of breast cancer awareness.

I am gay, though.

Okay.

Go for it.

I can take it.

Hmm? Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, hey, yeah, don't you worry about that, man.

Gloves are coming off.

Okay.

Right there, right there, what's with the three drinks, man?

Alcoholic much?

This is my pain medication.

Of [bleep] course it is.

It's your pain medication.

'cause he is in pain.

Right now.

Make fun of the burns.

Make fun of the-- What did you say?

Because here's the problem, sir, is it's really dark in here,

and, sorry, are you burned? Because I can't make it out.

Thanks so much, ma'am, for illuminating him.

Thank you. That's--I appreciate that.

- Oh, those burns. - Make fun of the robot voice.

Sir, I don't know.

Come on, I can take it.

Okay, well, no, You know what?

- I feel-- - Or the wheelchair.

Look, sir, there is nothing funny

about you being in a wheelchair,

- and we can all-- - Oh, but there is something

funny about me being fat?

- All right. All right, fine.

Fine. I've got it. I've got it.

I'm doing it. I'm doing it.

I just didn't want to go after this guy

'cause I didn't want him to kill me in my dreams.

Like Freddy Krueger.

Come on.

'cause--no?

You know, 'cause how Freddy Krueger's face is burned off.

That's not...

- You ass[bleep]. - He said he could take it.

That's what he said.

I thought I could, but I can't.

How is this on me?

How do we even know if he's crying right now?

I don't know that sound.

It just sounds like an electronic sound.

The tears, they burn.

He said he could take it. He s--

Fellows, gentlemen, it's time for you to go home

and practice on a peach.

Take a peach and practice.

Take a peach and practice.

- There you go. - There's a peach for you.

- Take a peach and practice. - Peach.

- Peach. - Got one? Got one?

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah.