Original subtitles

- Hey, buddy. - Hey, my dude.

- What's going on, man? - Okay, we got the--

It's good to see-- I'm sorry,

I'm talking at the same time as you.

- Okay, go ahead. - You go ahead and talk.

- I'm sorry, go ahead. - No, it's all right, I--

- Go-- - Are you talking right now?

Yeah, I'm trying to--

- Go ahead. - All right, this is--

- Go ahead. - Okay, go ahead.

- Try to not--um-- - I'm just--I'm gonna talk

- And you just keep--okay. - No, it's you.

- I'm sorry. - No.

- All right, I'll go... - It's just that my internet

- connection's a little weak--ugh. - And then you just--gosh.

- Are you talking right now? - I'm--no.

- Are you talking right now? - I think--I can't tell

- If it's a delay-- - God damn it.

- [bleep]. - Okay.

- You go first, and speak... - I'll talk, and then

- You start--no. - And then--no.

- W-what's that? - What?

Wait. What?

- [bleep]! - God damn it!

- I can't [bleep] believe this. - Not today!

- You got to be kidding me! - Not [bleep] today!

Ridiculous!

Gotta have this conversation!

- [bleep]! [bleep]! - Okay, okay.

Okay, did the delay come back, Or are you--did you catch up?

You know what? Let's just lay back, just calm.

You haven't [bleep] caught up, or we wouldn't be

- talking at the same time. - Wow.

- God damn it! - No.

- Okay, listen--okay, listen... - Okay, here's the thing--

We gotta stop trying to talk at the same time...

- Let me just get-- - and try to make--

- Okay. - or this conversation...

- Okay--are--all right, fine. - It's gonna just go on...

- forever. - if--I can't get out of it.

- Okay, I can't--listen-- - then that's ridiculous, I'm--

I'm--that--no.

- What a bunch of-- - God, help me, please!

There's only one thing We can do, okay?

- I can't! - There's only one thing

- we can do. - No, listen to me!

- Yeah, we--we got-- - I don't know how to get

- out of this! - Well, then we got to end it.

- We--I got to end it. - I got to end this!

- I can't-- - I got to end this!

- I can't do it anymore! - I can't do it anymore.

- Okay, fine! - I can't do it anymore!

Then we're gonna end it.

- Okay, we're gonna to end-- - I got to--

K--Keegan?

Keegan, I'm gonna end it. You're frozen, I can't tell--

We're gonna end it, Okay?

I just don't want you to be offended.

Ending it, and--oh!

Oh, he really meant "end it."

Whoo!

Hello! Mwah!

Hello. Hello.

- Thank you. - Man, thank you.

- Okay, okay. - Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

- I am Keegan-Michael Key. - I am Jordan Peele.

- And we are Key and Peele. - we are Key and Peele.

Thank you.

You guys see that movie Django Unchained?

- Did you see that movie? - Yeah!

Did you see it? Okay, mm-hmm.

That movie-- I didn't want to like that,

but that was good, though. That was good.

'cause I appreciate

some historical, you know, relevance, and some accuracy,

and when he shot that bitch and she flew

- across the room-- - And she flew off the thing--

- That's me. That's--that's-- - That was worth $12

Right there, that one moment.

- But Spike Lee had a problem. - Yes, he did.

- Before the movie came out-- - Before the movie came out,

before he had seen it, he was like--

He was like, "Yo, this is...absolutely"--

I'm like, "Get some coffee in your system, Spike,

"'cause you've already lost my attention."

- He didn't like the N-word. - He didn't like

- the prolific use of the N-word. - Yeah.

- Which I--I'm trying to think, How do I describe it?

The N-word-- The use of the N-word in a movie

that's set in slave times, in the South, in the 1850s.

- "Accurate," is how I would-- - Accurate.

Well, all right, friends.

The first fight of the evening will feature

one of my slaves versus one of the slaves

of my distinguished guest, Mr. Jacob Dixon.

You know, Robert,

I hope you're as gracious a loser as you are a host.

All right, enough talk.

Now...

Fight, you devils! Fight to the death!

- Hey. - Hey.

- Um, question. - Mm-hmm?

How do we get out of this thing alive?

It's really simple. Just let me pretend to kill you.

Hmm.

Maybe it just makes more sense if I pretend to kill you.

- Yeah. - Yeah, I just--

I want to make it believable, so...

Well, that's what I was-- That's what I was going for too.

- Really? - What the blazes

is going on over there in that endless clinch?

Tear him apart!

- Okay, let's-- - Oh! you get--mm!

So just-- just die from this.

From this? Um, just--

You know what? Just-- Something doesn't feel right,

So if I could just-- If I just--

- Let me--Go with me here. - Okay. Oh.

Oh.

Yup, that was it, that was it. This feels much more real.

- So-- - Really? What? Why?

Um, sorry, What do you mean "Why?"

Fight! My God!

Oh.

I-I'm getting frustrated now.

Damn it, kill!

Nope, not a thing. Not a thing.

Not a thing? Okay, let me just get--

Mm, I'm gonna get him. I got him.

- Let me get you, though. - Just let me get you, though.

- No, let me get you. - No, let me get you.

It was my idea, so can I do it first?

- Let me get you. - Let me get you, though.

- Let me get you. - Just for, like, a second.

Will you just let me get you for a second, please?

Let me get you. Let me get you!

Stop fighting like sissies and kill each other!

- Okay. - All right.

- Okay, check this out. - Yeah, mm-hmm.

All right, we'll back up,

- Mm-hmm. - and you run at me real fast,

just do a bunch of spins, and kicks, and flourishes,

and I'll just knock you out, one punch, and then you're dead.

Great, okay-- No, wait, wait, what?

I'm sorry, so you can look cool? No, thank you.

If someone doesn't die soon, I will kill you both.

Thank you.

- Ah! - Ohh!

Ah, that's my boy!

Ohh!

Ah!

Oh--ahh!

You are not getting stronger from my punches.

- Yes, I am, though! - Listen, come here.

You've got to-- No, listen, listen.

Let's be fair, okay?

We both slam into each other, and we both die.

Fair?

- That's fair. - All right.

One!

- This will be good. - Two!

Three!

- What? - Oh, you son of a bitch!

You were never gonna fall.

You didn't even try to fall down.

- You were never-- - It's, like, the fakest thing--

The thing is, you're--

- How 'bout that? - Don't--no.

Don't hit me. Oh, what's that?

- Ow. - What are you doing?

- Cut the-- - Come on.

Oh, you hit my balls.

Hey, everybody!

War's over!

Slavery is abolished.

Sorry.

- We'll call it a draw. - Done.

Good for you, though, huh?

- Thank you? - Let's go.

- Well, wait, before you-- - No, no, no, no, no, hold up.

Just--just--if--just if I may, Who do you think

- would have won the fight? - Yeah, between the two of us?

We've had, on a couple of occasions,

like, I mean, real super-tough,

like, tatted-up Mexican dudes Walk up to us and go,

"Hey, homes.

"Like, you guys Should make fun of us."

You know, the guy's, like-- Blink, he's got

a "K" and a "P" Tattooed here.

- We're like, "No, it's okay." - "It's all right."

"It's all right." "No, you should do it.

- "Like, make fun of us more." - "Nah."

"Because you guys--you guys are leaving us out."

- You can't-- - "Like, don't leave us out.

"We're trying to have fun too, okay?"

Yeah.

"We're trying To have fun, ese."

That's some scary [bleep], when their eyes get big.

- That's some scary [bleep]. - "Hey."

No.

I don't want none of that.

It's like, if you have human sacrifice in your DNA,

I'm not gonna make fun of you.

Okay, let's get this thing going.

Everybody take a seat.

We got to have More meetings, homes,

'cause I'm telling you, man, we got to get organized.

Carlito ain't got a seat, man. Someone get him a chair.

No, I'm cool.

No, dude, get him a chair, homes.

I'm gonna sit gangster.

But, Carlito, it doesn't look Like it's comfortable, man.

Why don't you Just sit in the chair?

I never sit in no chair, ese.

Mm-mmm.

You never, ever gon' catch me sitting in no chairs.

Hey, ese, you know that That's loco, right?

No, man.

It's cool, Carlito.

No one's gonna think you're soft

- if you sit in a chair, homes. - Yeah, yeah.

- We're all sitting in chairs. - Right.

- Bunch of bitch-ass culeros.

- ÿQue? - I don't have no time

to sit in no [bleep] chair.

Okay.

Now that we're all here--

You know what? But why, though?

Like, it don't make no sense for you to set yourself up

with a rule like that.

- No, it's, like, limiting. - Yeah, limiting.

- Limiting. - I mean, sometimes,

People sit in chairs.

Man, [bleep] all of you guys with your bitch-ass chairs.

There.

Okay, Carlito, quit playing and sit in the chair, pendejo.

- No. - Carlito,

we have to have this meeting now, ese. Get up!

I'm good right here, man.

- You know-- - I'm chilling.

Go ahead with your meeting.

Okay, but you know It's going to be weird.

You don't care that it's going to be weird?

Weird for you, maybe.

He doesn't care. Okay.

Okay, homies, so this is what we have to do,

like, we got to sell more drugs...

and we got to make

more crimes happen.

Roberto, where are we--

Carlito, You're bleeding, ese!

Who cares, man?

Yo, whoa! You just got shanked, man!

- We got to pull that out! - Leave it!

I'm chilling, homes.

I don't care about that stupid shank.

Carlito.

Carlito, wake up, man!

Hey, don't even bother, ese.

What?

¡Oh, dios mio!

I don't need those defibrillators.

I don't even want to come back to life, homes.

Carlito, Go back into your body.

- My body's stupid, homes. - What?

I'm fine right here on the spirit plane.

Life is for pussies.

Carlito. Carlito, go to the light.

Nah, I'm good, man.

Carlito, that's Heaven, man.

I don't need to go to Heaven, homes.

- Heaven is for pussies. - Oh, boy.

Hello, and welcome To the fifth annual meeting

of the Tallahassee Black Republicans.

- Now, I'm pissed! - Mm-hmm.

- Royally pissed! - Mm-hmm.

Last november, Barack Obama was re-elected President,

and the black vote went almost entirely to him!

Dagnabbit.

We're not getting our message out, obviously.

The Republican Party is and should be

- the only home for black votes. - Yes, sir.

Now, people think that black voters are a monolith.

We're not a monolith.

- What? What? - No, we're not.

- In fact, Black Republicans alone

are an extremely diverse group of people.

Now, to speak more on diversity,

I present tonight's speaker,

Mr. Douglas Jackson.

Now, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, I'm pissed!

I'm royally pissed.

The liberal media thinks that Republicanism

- is not for black people. - Mm.

- Now, you tell me, what about fiscal responsibility,

a strong national defense, and a limited government

is unappealing to black people?

- We're not a monolith! - Mm-mmm.

We come in all different shapes and sizes.

- We do. - Mm-hmm.

Now, who here would like to come up to this podium

and speak about the diversity amongst Black Republicans?

Oh.

Gentlemen, we have a real treat today,

a gentleman who is a little bit eccentric,

a little bit outside of the box, if you will,

but I can't think of a better person to speak

on diversity amongst Black Republicans

than this gentleman right here.

All the way from Orlando, my good friend,

Arthur Washington!

It's good to see you. It's good to see you.

Good to see you, man.

Thank you for the introduction,

Brother Douglas.

Thank you for being here, Brother Arthur.

Mm-hmm.

However, I am... pissed.

Royally pissed.

- Indeed, indeed! - All right.

- Democrats think they have the right

to all the black people.

But that is not the case.

We are not a monolith.

Democrats may be cool, but they ain't practical.

There you go.

Republicans are practical.

Black people are practical!

- Come to think of it... - Get those pants.

I think Black Republicans are pretty cool.

Hear, hear, hear, hear.

Not to mention very diverse.

There we go. Mm-hmm.

Excuse me, gentlemen. Sorry to interrupt.

Someone's white wife is here to pick them up.

Was her name Emily?

- Uh, she was white. - Oh, great, that's--

Anybody here enjoy athletics and sports?

Something that we find very interesting

is that sometimes, the celebrations

after somebody has done something positive

in a sporting event are more violent

- than the sport itself. - They're just--

- They're so jacked up. - Why is that?

Yeah! They're so amped up!

They're crazy. They're just--

- Dudes get amped up! - We did that, man.

- We won that! - We done--yeah.

- We won that! - Yeah, we did.

- We won that, son! - You did that stuff, boy.

- What? What? - You did it, son.

- We won that, son! - We won that!

They thought we couldn't do it, but we could do it!

- We did it, son! - We did it--yeah!

We did it, man!

Come on, man! We did it!

- We did it! - We did it.

Silence it. We did it.

We did it.

We did it--oh.

We did it.

Oh, yeah!

Good victory, guys! Good victory!

Hey, hey, come on, good game! Slap-ass, man!

Hey, good game!

Get some slap-ass!

Yeah, dog! Yes, man!

Good game! Slap-ass!

Hey, who's next? Who--

Hey, Garcia! Come on, man, get you some.

Come on, let's get some slap-ass over here.

No!

What? Why--why not?

I said no, Rafi.

He's had enough, Rafi.

We've all had enough.

Enough of what?

Enough of the damn ass-slapping, Rafi.

Gracias.

The [bleep] slap-ass?

- Si, yes. si. - Mm-hmm.

Guys, who [bleep] cares how much I slap ass?

So what? I slap ass!

No big deal, man. I'm a [bleep] baseball player.

That's what we do. We [bleep] hit home runs,

and [bleep] slap ass. Come on, huh?

Rafi, that's not how we all see baseball.

Everybody does it. All the teams slap ass, man.

You-- You slap ass, Garcia!

Like, a couple of times a game.

What? So what, man?

Why the [bleep] you counting, man?

Who knows how many times I slap ass, or how many--

427 times.

Okay, time flies when you're having fun, man. What--

My families come to these games, Rafi.

My son is always asking me

why I'm letting this man touch my butt so many times.

And you say "slap-ass" every time.

Every time!

Okay, hold on one second. Let's go to the time-out.

I'm from the Dominican Republic, okay?

All I know, since I was a little kid,

is to catch fly balls and to say "Slap-ass"

every single time I [bleep] slap ass!

This is the Major Leagues, Rafi.

We are all from the Dominican Republic.

Nobody here has ever heard anyone say "Slap-ass"

before you.

Quit playing, man. Come on, get your slap-ass.

- Rafi! - Rafi, enough! Okay?

I'm...

Okay. You're right.

I know you're right about it.

I have a problem, okay?

I know that.

And I decide to stop right now.

Bueno.

Right after I get that Garcia slap-ass.

- Come on. - Hey, hey, hey!

- What? - No, Rafi!

Hey, come on, eh?

I'm fine, all right? Fine, I get it!

Get up out of here!

- Come on! - Get out of the locker room!

You get out of the locker room!

You're the only slap-ass that matters, Garcia!

You are not getting a slap-ass!

Hey, Garcia, man, can I talk to you for a second?

- Oh. - Hold up.

Hey, Rafi, what's up?

Oh, man, I just talked To the manager, man.

He says he's going to trade me, man.

I mean, what the hell, you know? I got kids, too, right?

Yeah, well, we all told you what was going to happen

- If you-- - Hey...

I really could use that one slap-ass, man.

- Rafi. - Come on, man.

Just one slap-ass, you know? Just one--

Just for old times' sake, you know?

Get me back on my feet. I really--

Just one for the road, man. I could really use it.

Okay, okay.

Good game! Slap-ass!

I got to get home to my kids.

Okay.

Oh. Garcia, man.

I'll suck your [bleep] if you let me slap your ass again.

No!

Garcia, I'll suck your [bleep].

Ohh, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass,

slap-ass, slap-ass.

Welcome to Metta World News.

In fashion, if you woke up, and there

was a 4-inch miniature human standing on your chest,

would you swat them off?

I was really challenged by this question.

I would hope that I would engage them in conversation.

But in reality, I think I'd be scared of them

and swat them away, which would probably kill them.

Well, that wraps up Metta World News

for this Wednesday, October Noise-canceling Octagon Tire.

I'm Metta World Peace. Good night.

Did I fulfill my contract, Satan?

We love you. Thank you.

- Hey, it was a good show, man. - It was a good show!

- We won that show, dog! - Yeah, we did!

- We won that show, baby! - Yeah, we did!

- We won that show! - What?

- We won that show! - We did!

- We won that show. - Come on--

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

Oh yeah!