Original subtitles

There's gotta be another human being out there.

Somewhere.

It's been 173 days since the undoing.

Today, I may be the last man alive.

However, if there is another,

I will find them.

The loneliness is more than I can...

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah! Whee!

Ha ha!

Whoo-hoo. There you go.

Ahh. Let me get some of that.

Mm. Mmm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah!

That's my jam right there!

Whoo!

Hazzah!

Wah, shakikah! Wah, shaslikah!

Ooh, y'all don't know nothin' about that.

Mm, mm. Ptt-ptt-ptt-ptt.

Oh, hey baby, how you doing?

Yeah!

What, all day, baby!

Yeah!

Whoa, hey! Dude!

Um, hey, I'll... I'll come over there.

Dude! Hey!

I'll come to you, man.

There's got to be another human being out there...

somewhere.

Thank you so much.

- I am Keegan-Michael Key. - I am Jordan Peele.

We are Key and Peele. Welcome to the show.

So, uh...

- I didn't really know my father. - Mm-hmm, yes.

Didn't really know... never really knew my father.

I was raised by my mother, single mom.

- Single moms in the house! - Single moms!

Single moms are not in the house, because they're...

They're at home with their kids... raising their kids.

Thank you. Thank you for playing anyway.

They seldom... seldom get out of the house. Sorry...

Well I had one of those dads who was, like,

apparently just one of those dudes

Had about 54 children in the span of two years, you know?

- It was a Temptations thing. - All across America?

Papa was a rollin' stone. Yes, he was.

He must've just gone on a bus tour and, like,

sticked his penis out the window, just every...

every city he was in. "There you go.

"There's one of me for you guys.

"One of me for you guys.

"Syracuse.

- "Tampa." - Bu... wow.

That is a hell of a lot of gas.

But this, right here, this is a hypothetical meeting.

Like a hypothetical meeting of Jordan and his father.

Um, hi. Are you Earl Peele?

Who the hell want to know?

I think I'm your son, Jordan Peele.

Oh, okay, I see.

Come on in here for a minute.

- Close the door on the way in. - All right.

All right, man, go ahead and sit down.

I'm gonna explain something to you.

Okay.

(both sigh,, sniff, grunt)

I ain't your dad.

All right, I'm sorry to disappoint you,

but that's the situation, brother.

Are you... you see what's happening?

- Huh? - We're doing the same thing.

I-I always do this. I always scratch the back of my neck like this

whenever I'm in an uncomfortable situation.

Scratch my neck, man. Everybody scratch their neck.

I breathe in and out too, man. Now everybody my kid?

Okay, look at this.

That's a picture of me when I was a baby.

That's my father.

That ain't me.

Man, look, look, man, look at that dude's afro.

Look, I got this going on, man.

My hair is gray, he got black hair.

I mean, he handsome as hell, but I ain't nobody's daddy.

I'm sorry.

I've just been looking for him everywhere.

Yeah, yeah. I'm sure you have.

It's just, I got my own TV show now.

I don't know, I just...

I know that wherever he is, he... he would be proud.

Y-you got your own TV show, huh?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah, I'm producing and acting.

Mm, oh, you, oh, you producing and acting!

Right, okay, yeah, that... oh, that... that's my boy.

Yeah, look at that, man, we doing the same thing.

What is that? Holy [bleep].

That's genes right there, man. 'cause you can't do that

unless you sharing mad genes with somebody.

It's got to be in your DNAs.

- Oh! - All right.

- You my son. - No.

- My baby boy! - Thanks for your time.

You come back home, man.

- I missed you so much, little man! - Okay, hey, stop it.

Stop... get off, get off!

- Just get off... get off! - Get off, wha... oh, hey.

Oh.

When I first came to your door, you wouldn't even acknow...

- Okay. - Okay.

You know what? When I first came in here...

- I first came in here... - Stop that!

When I first came in here, you wouldn't even acknowledge

that I could possibly be your son.

But now, only after I tell you

that I have my own show on Comedy Central...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Comedy Central?

Get the [bleep] out of my house!

So, uh,

Keegan and I are... we're fans of gay people.

- We love gay people. - Our gay brothers and sisters.

Yep, where are my gay people?

- In the house. - Oh, here's...

You guys need one of these too.

- There he is, okay. - You guys need one of the...

Maybe that one?

You... you deserve one.

You know, gay people say you're born gay, you know, you...

- It's not a choice. - Right.

I believe that, but, you know, some... you know,

you're not born gaaay!

- You're not born doing that. - That's true.

You're not born doing that.

That's training.

That's conditioning and training.

No one was giving birth and [bleep] jazz hands came out.

There was no...

That doesn't happen. You have to learn some things.

Oh, man. It doesn't.

- Here, check that... - Check this out.

I'm going to be honest with you, Samuel.

Adoption can be a long, difficult process.

I'm sorry, we should probably wait for my partner.

- Okay. - He should be here any second.

We havin' a baby!

♪ We havin' a baby! ♪

♪ We gonna raise it, and feed it, and change it ♪

♪ And dress it up like a peapod ♪

Hello, Sammy.

You must be LaShawn.

Ooh! You must be "LeCorrect."

Okay, well, we were just discussing your options for adoption.

And how difficult it is to actually be approved.

Oh, well you can just put us on the list

with a gold star and a check and a "A+"

because we want this baby, like, yester-doodle.

Well, as I told your husband,

it can be an extremely long waiting period.

Right, right. And it's even hard for straight couples to adopt, so...

Well, you tell them baby people that we are going to be

the best parents ever.

Because we gonna be strict, but also fun.

Like, for instance, everybody gonna have to clean up

after Tuesday night Dress-up Parade.

I... do not know what that is.

I...

Oh, every day gonna have a different theme.

- Is it? - So, for instance,

Monday, that's gonna be "Under the Sea" day.

Tuesday, that's gonna be "Dress-up Parade."

Wednesday gonna be based on the Chinese calendar.

Thursday gonna be ♪ "Sing What Ya Doing" day. ♪

- Okay, and you know, actually... - And then Friday...

It might be very difficult when you actually have kids, LaShawn.

Kids? Do you want to adopt more than one child?

- Absolutely not! - Absolutely-tutely!

It can speed things up

if you're willing to adopt siblings together.

- Sammy, we can get a set. - Why?

- Sammy, we can get a set! - We're not getting a set.

Ooh! (clicks tongue)

We could dress them up like companion objects.

Like a bat and a ball, or a kite in the wind.

See? LaShawn gets carried away, so...

If you really want to expedite the process,

you could adopt a special needs baby.

- Miss, you are killing me here! - Yes!

Yes, that's what we want. A special needs kid,

preferably one with white eyes and can tell the future.

Okay, so now we're getting a special needs kid.

Uh, LaShawn, there's a lot of extra cost

When you get a disabled child,

because that's what, actually, "special needs" means.

Come on. We ain't never gonna have to worry about money again!

How is that possible?

'cause we gonna start a family band,

Called "LaShawn and the Sam-Sations."

And, ooh! How many times can you change a child's name?

Because I have this system.

And it's a little bit of an out-there idea,

but I think if you really set up a system

where if you do something good, you get a better name.

So if your name is Allister one day,

you do something good, your name could be Popeye.

And that's what we here to say,

Is that we are the New Black Panther Party.

What's the biggest problem facing the movement?

Well, you know, we supposed to be in this era

of so-called "post-racial harmony",

with all people in America.

But us blacks are being murdered all over the place,

and we get the same treatment time and time again.

We're not even second-class citizens.

We third-class. Stand up, black America,

and declare to white America

that we aren't gonna take this no more, okay?

- Why come out now and say this? - You know what?

You had 400 years to get it right, America.

But you don't know how to treat your people.

All people. It's time to stand up.

It's time to take back. It's time for us to fight back.

And we don't take your phony words anymore.

We're not gonna do it. We want concrete results.

You know, you... you hear what we're saying to you,

"United Snakes of America"?

What are you supposed to do when the whole world is watching

And no-one is saying anything?

We will not be silent.

Okay, you, sir. Anything you wanted to say?

Oh, me? No, I'm good.

Oh, damn!

Check that [bleep] out.

- What is that? - Whoo!

I didn't know they made 'em like that.

I don't even understand what I'm seeing.

Mm. Whoo-whoo!

I would love to see what's under there.

I am really curious about that.

Yeah, dog, yeah.

- I mean, I have no idea. - Well, you know, we, uh...

We obviously have some idea, you know?

I don't.

Well, you know, it's, uh... you know, it's a coochie, baby.

Yeah. Or something.

Uh, no, no, no, man.

It's... It's definitely her lady parts. (laughs)

Or, maybe it's just more skin.

Nope. It... it's a vagina.

Yeah.

Or, maybe it's a little face under there.

Uh, no.

No, it's... it's definitely gonna be a vagina.

Why?

Be... because she's a girl, and girls have vaginas, man.

What is that?

What is a vagina?

It's a woman's reproductive organ.

Wha... are you being serious right now?

Thank you. That is all I require.

Oh!

There's aliens! There's a alien down there.

Something I've always enjoyed in African American culture

- is the barbershop. - Oh, yeah.

The barbershop is a very big part of our culture.

I haven't been to one in quite some time.

But, um...

- The black barbershop is... - Mm-hmm.

That's the social cent... the core...

Of a community, very often. Certainly for the men.

- Yeah. - And what's so bad is that I wish

just... I just wish other businesses could get in on the fun.

Yeah. So we sympathize with, uh, businesses in the black community

that aren't the barbershop.

The barbershop is always the most enviable business, so...

- Yes. Here we go. - Yes, we take you here.

- Hey, Uncle Ted. - Ah!

Oh, geez. Whoo!

- Sorry, Uncle Ted, man. - Oh, Keith.

- I got you, didn't I? - Yeah, you got me, man.

- You got me pretty good. - Oh.

So what's going on today?

Oh, just the usual, young buck.

Just another day at the laundromat.

- Yeah. - Why, people come in,

they do their laundry,

we chat it up about some of the topics of the day.

That's just another day hanging at the 'mat.

I wonder what's going on in the barbershop today?

Sure looks like they're having fun over there.

Forget all that, kid.

Come on, we got our own assortment

of colorful characters right here in the 'mat!

Come on.

Hey, there. You need any more quarters?

Nope.

Okay. Okay, hilarious.

Oh! Hey there, Ms. Demetrius.

You need some more quarters?

Oh-ho, she didn't hear me.

That's part of the problem, Uncle Ted.

You know, all that noise up in here from the machines running,

and it's kind of hot.

Loud and hot? Sound like my old lady.

Billy Dee Williams is in there now.

He's Lando Calrissian.

He runs Cloud City.

Oh!

- Yeah, baby! - All right!

But, uh, damn it, Keith! What I tell ya?

We got it going on right here at the 'mat, baby!

Uncle Ted, I gotta tell you something.

I got my own washer and dryer months ago.

I just keep hanging out here

'cause I didn't want you to feel bad.

Oh, you didn't want me to feel bad.

Got your own washer and dryer. All right.

Oh, you're big-timing me now. Okay, I see how it is.

Hey, well, your shirt ain't clean,

Your pants ain't clean.

You can't get a good wash on one of them home washer-and-dryers.

Uncle Ted. I'm... I'm going.

Uh, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let's have some fun. Let's have some fun!

We... you can get in one of the laundry carts

and I can push you around!

Nope. I'm out of here.

Don't⦠wait... wait, wait, wait.

Hold on there, Keith. Keith!

And if that don't work, then you do a little tap dance.

And then you go, I'm your man.

I'm your man!

All right.

Welcome to the barbershop, young man.

- You're Billy Dee Williams. - Yeah, yeah, how you doing?

I'm good, thank you so much, man.

All right, could you do me a favor?

- Yeah. - Could you let go of my hand?

Okay. Oh, thanks, man.

Oh, how you doing, man?

I have a friend... I have a friend that, literally,

like, he'll go into a room and it's like...

He... he's getting ready for an hour.

And he comes out, he's got on a white t-shirt,

jeans, and a hat.

What the [bleep] were you doing for an hour?

Oh, yeah?

- It's... you know what I mean? - Yeah.

It takes me, like, 15 minutes to get a suit on.

- That's right. - He's just in there going...

Some dudes... some brothers are vain. Some brothers are vain.

They're all, "Oh, [bleep], man, some dust got on my shoes.

"There are ruined! Oh, these are ruined.

"Gotta go get some more sneakers right now."

- So, yeah. - But that's what

the scene is about... style.

- It's about style, yeah. - Yeah.

In what universe is The Family Circus

better than Dilbert? For instance... Oh.

Yo, what's up, man? How you...

- been? - Oh, you know, cuz.

Keepin' it straight.

- You know. - All right, cool.

Well, I guess I'll check you later.

All right, dog.

What you should have seen was Rain People,

with James Caan and Shirley Knight.

Yo.

Uh, what's up, man?

You got something to say?

Yeah, man, um...

How's Denise?

Oh, yeah, Denise. She good, she good, she good.

Anyway, guess I'll catch you on the flip.

Yeah, dog, yeah. Ain't no thing.

Come on, stick it.

- I'm in there, dog. - Come on.

No, I'm in there, dog. I'm in there.

- Tuck it. - I'm in there.

- Tuck it. - I'm tuckin' it in, brother.

I'm in there, dog. I'm in there, dog. I'm in there, dog.

You know. All right.

Oh.

Huh, anyway, you know, you gotta come real,

come correct, when you coming at all, you know?

That's basically how I roll.

If you ain't got... if you ain'tâ¦

Oh, my God. That's my [bleep].

Come here. Get this.

- He's having problems. - He's having problems.

- He is having problems. - We gotta get this brother...

- This brother is weeping. - He's weeping.

- Are you okay? - He's weeping.

This mother[bleep] is...

Come back to us!

My man is... My man is crying.

- Oh. - Oh, my...

Thank you guys so much for everything.

Thanks for coming out, everybody!

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah.