Original subtitles

Okay, this is it. Any questions?

Everybody knows what they're doing, right?

'cause we got one shot at this.

There's no dumb questions, you guys.

Did you have a question? No?

So all you guys know exactly what your job is.

Okay, so, on my count.

Three, two, one.

Go, go, go, go!

Whoa!

Yah!

Unbelievable.

Whoo! Hello!

♪ Hello ♪

Thanks for coming out. I'm Keegan-Michael Key.

- I'm Jordan Peele. - And we are Key and Peele.

Welcome.

Thank you so much.

So...

- Sometimes I get the giggles. - You get the giggles?

I get the giggles when we're doing this.

Brother, you were born with the giggles, man.

I came out of the womb...

giggling.

- Giggling. - It's hilarious in there!

The best laughter and the hardest to not laugh

is when you're not supposed to laugh.

Right, exactly. That's like...

And you guys be just laughing just in church for no reason.

Church is a deathtrap.

Or the worst is when you're getting the giggles...

And the wor... is when the priest or the minister says this...

"Because the Lord is inside of you."

He'll go, "why are you laughing?"

- Don't laugh. Yeah. - I'm sorry.

It's wor... it's the worst.

Are you... are you the type of guy who... you cry at a movie?

- I cry buckets at movies. - At like...

- At comedies I cry. - No, no...

'cause I... "I could've got that job."

So, your wife...

So, you just cry out in the open if you're sitting next to your wife.

Oh yeah... If I'm... if I... if a tear is about to come down my face,

I'm at a sad movie,

I'll just be using gravity on this mother-[bleep] to spill it out.

What? Sir, are you having a hard time hearing the film?

No, I-I was looking 'cause you got a beautiful ceiling.

- Oh, thank you very much. - Craftsmanship up there.

I appreciate it, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry, baby, hold on a second, baby,

Hold on a second, baby, I'm just looking at the ceiling.

Carvell thanks you for coming.

First order of business, I'm sure you all

heard that Twigs got pulled out the river this morning.

It ain't no secret

that he and Carvell grew up in the hood together.

So listen up.

'cause Carvell about to say some words.

Okay, you know what?

Don't none of you look at them tears

and think that [bleep] is funny.

Because it takes a big [bleep] man to cry in front of his crew.

Go ahead, Carvell.

Y'all know Twigs was my boy.

Back in the day,

we used to pretend the sofa cushions was a fort.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And we used to pretend that the floor was molten lava.

Oh...

Okay, you know what, though?

There ain't nothing funny 'bout that.

Of course this man is crying.

'cause he and Twigs was kids together. Okay?

You know what I mean?

They was best friends forever and [bleep].

Go ahead, Carvell.

We used to play Care Bears.

Mmm-hmm. Hmm-hmm.

Twigs and I would spend the good part of an afternoon

trying to figure out which C-C-Care Bear we was.

Oh, oh...

Oh...

I wish one of y'all mother-[bleep]

would just start laughing,

'cause you all know you think this [bleep] is funny.

Carvell over here, blubbering and talking 'bout Care Bears.

But you know what?

But you...

Those are manly tears! Okay?

Those some manly-ass tears

right there that you lookin' at!

Go ahead, Carvell.

And then...

And then... and then... and then... and... and... and...

Mm, I'm sorry, man.

That was a weird-ass sneeze I just did right there.

God damn it.

Can a brother get some [bleep] claritin up in here?

Go ahead, Carvell.

Twigs always fancied himself Share Bear.

Mm...

I always...

I always thought... thought of myself

thought of myself as more of a Funshine Bear.

Mm... okay.

Okay, all you [bleep] need to respect that right there!

Okay? Y'all need to listen to Funshi...

I'm so... I'm sorry, man.

You a Funshine Bear, man. I'm sorry, that...

That is some funny [bleep].

Whoa, whoa.

All right. Let's go sell some crack.

Jahari, my friend.

There are a lot of beautiful women out here today.

Yeah.

Karim, my friend, you speak the truth.

Well, I do what I can.

- Ooh. - Oh...

- Wow. - Right?

- Ha-ha. - Blip.

Sha-bloimps.

You know, I caught a little glimpse of her foot nut.

You saw ankle bone?

Well...

Got some ankle cleavage, you dirty devil, huh?

- You saw? - God, I saw.

Very good, very good...

Mm.

- Hmm-hmm. - Oh...

Dude, did you see the bridge on that nose?

I mean, if it is any indication...

- Wow. - Hhh-holy garbanzo beans.

I'll tell you what. That is a bridge I'd like to cross.

This is my boy. This is my boy.

This is my boy.

Oh.

Hmm.

- Not a lot to go on there. - Not really. Not really.

- Good height. - Good height.

- Good height. - Crazy tall.

Yeah, like 5'9".

Heh...

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. She's tall. She's tall. She's tall.

That's right. She's tall. There's nothing to be done.

Getting wet. Let me see...

Let me see it from behind. Let me see it from behind.

That's how you hit it. That's how you hit it.

Jahari, can I tell you something in confidence right now?

Okay.

I'm a virgin.

I went down to Georgia a couple years ago,

and I was just... oh...

It's not funny, it's just...

- That's... - just... just a fact.

It's just what happened.

Trying to get to the funny part.

White people come up to you. "Hey.

"So, you like Darius, huh? You like Darius?"

"What the [bleep]? Darius? What are you talking to me..."

- "You like Darius?" - Darius Rucker?

"Hootie, man. Hootie.

Hootie, man. Don't you love Hootie?

He's huge down there.

He's enormous. As a country star.

Darius Rucker. Huge down there.

There's only like three ever. Charley Pride,

Darius Rucker...

There's only two.

There's two of 'em.

Ladies and gentlemen, Darius Rucker.

♪ Don't go out with my friends no more ♪

♪ Don't wanna hold your hand no more ♪

Hootie, Hootie...

Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...

♪ And I don't wanna be with you ♪

Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...

- No, no. - Hootie, Hootie...

No, no, no, no.

I'm not in Hootie and the Blowfish anymore, y'all.

Doing my own thing.

What do you mean "in Hootie"?

Because you are Hootie, man!

- Come on, everybody! - Hootie, Hootie...

- Hootie, Hootie, Hootie... - No, no...

No, no, no, all right, now... now... now stop it, stop it.

I'm not Hootie. I'm Darius Rucker. All right?

I used to be the front man

for a band called Hootie & the Blowfish.

All right, but I was never Hootie.

There was never a Hootie.

Just... if I may... if I may ask,

where are the Blowfish at, right, guys?

Come on, everybody! Blowfish!

Blowfish, Blowfish, Blowfish...

No, no, no! The...

There are no people known as "the Blowfish," y'all.

Okay?

The whole band was just called Hootie & the Blowfish. That's it.

It was a nonsense name.

Like Hoobastank. Or Toad the Wet Sprocket.

Oh.

♪ Don't go out with my friends no more ♪

♪ Don't wanna hold your hand no more ♪

Oh! Oh!

What? What is it, man?

I see. I get it now. I understand.

Hey, we gotta pick, y'all!

- We gotta choose between... - No, no...

Hootie or the Blowfish!

So, who wants to see the Blowfish?

There's no Blowfish.

And who wants to see Hootie?

Hey.

Hey, that... that hurts my feelings, y'all.

Yeah, but you said you weren't Hootie.

No, I'm not, sir.

But in the question you just asked the audience,

I-I was clearly Hootie.

- So you are Hootie! - I'm not, though.

He is Hootie! Yeah!

No...

Hootie, Hootie...

Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, Hootie,

Hootie, Hootie,

Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, Hootie,

Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...

Hootie, Hootie, Hootie...

I'm Hootie!

I'm Hootie! Aah!

I...

am your substitute...

Mr. Nostrand.

But that might as well say, "No nonsense,"

because I...

do not... play.

Now, today will not be a day off.

In fact, today, you will work harder than...

Somebody call a Code Brown up in here.

See you later, Mr. Pootstrand!

Jordan and I love action movies.

We love, you know, movies where people are trying to...

you know, smuggle contra...

Like, Breaking Bad's like our favorite show.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Also like The Wire and New Jack City.

Yeah, like that kind of stuff.

- And anything that like... - It intrigues us, yeah.

Yeah, portrays African-Americans as criminals.

In the worst possible light.

We just...

- We love that. We love that. - So, shame on us.

But something that always cracks me up.

I love when you see cops and DEA agents when they bust...

You know, they bust a whole bunch of cocaine.

- Oh, yeah. - And I lo...

This is my favorite thing. It's like, "Give it here."

Like, come on.

"That's 100% pure."

I want to become a cop just so I can go to that class.

I just want to go to that class

where the cop's just supposed to go...

- "Get in there..." - Yeah.

"I don't know if it's pure. Hold on."

"Let me just crack that up in there.

"Make sure that...

"I'm not sure yet if it's pure. Hold on a second.

'This could be only 80% pure. Aah..."

Eight kilos. 100%.

Pure grade Afghani heroin.

$100,000 U.S. dollars.

Hold up.

We should count it first.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Be my guest.

You know, we gonna do a straight count on this right now.

- Count it... count it? - Yeah. Just...

- Good idea. - Mm-hmm.

Should probably do it fast

so we don't make our friends here wait.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

20, 40, 60, 80,

100, 20, 40, 60,

80, 200...

Hey, you know what? I'm fast. Let me just do it.

- You want... okay. - I'll take care of that.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...

Hey, why... why are you doin' piles of nine?

- It's faster than 10s. - Oh, really?

I do my nines 10 times, and then I do an extra pile of 10.

Fast. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

You know, we... we should probably both be counting.

Oh, well, let's get to it.

That's dou... double trouble. All right.

- And, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9... - 20, 40, 60...

- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9... - 80, 100, 20, 40,

1, 2, 3, 4... Wait.

Okay, I'm sorry, can you... could you ple...

Could you do something like over there?

- Yup. I'm gonna take. - Please, it's a little distracting.

- Oh, you know what? - What's that?

I got it. We could time me.

Okay.

Okay, we time me counting out 1,000.

We take that time, and then

we just count money for that time times 100.

No! I g... I got it. This is it right here.

I'm gonna do a web search for a picture of $100,000.

- Okay? - Okay.

Then, you know, we'll know what it's supposed to look like

and then we can arrange our money

to look exactly like it.

And see... here. Hey. Here we go. Right here, look.

I mean, damn, that looks...

That looks just like... a lot like our money.

I think we got $100,000 here, folks.

- I think we made it. - No, that is our money.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, do... Earlier...

Yeah.

When we were counting, I took a picture of our money

so I could upload it on Yahoo! Answers.

- Oh, damn. - That's right.

'cause I just wanted to see if anyone could verify

- what $100,000 looked like. - [bleep]!

- Oh, you got it. - What was I thinking?

- You got it. - I got it, man.

- Go, go, go, go. - I got it, I got it.

What the hell are you doing, man?

I th... you know, I was gonna try to Rain Man it.

- Oh, that's a plan right there. - That's right.

- Okay, yeah, here we go. - We can do that.

Okay.

Yup, yup. I got that. I got that.

20, 40, 60...

99,980.

You guys ever hear... You guys know the old standard,

Uh, "It's Co..." is it called, "It's Cold Outside?"

- "Baby, It's Cold Outside." - "Baby, It's Cold Outside."

You know this old standard? Right, yeah.

'30s and '40s.

And so many people have covered it.

It was written in like 1939 or something like that.

It's funny, when you listen to the lyrics of the song, uh...

It's kinda rapey.

- It's a little rapey. - It's a little rapey.

It's like...

It's true.

She said she wanted to leave...

You told her it was cold outside.

It's winter. She's very aware of the fact that it's cold outside.

She's not stup... you know what I'm saying?

- Yeah. - "No" means no. Right?

- Oh, yeah. - You know?

And this was... I got... I got creeped out...

'cause I dr... I... In this scene you're about to watch,

I dressed up like a woman.

Lot of brothers like, "Man, he dress up like a woman a lot."

I'm just...

just in touch with my feminine side.

- Whoo! Thank you, girls. - Yes.

But no, this one was confusing for me because I was...

I... fir... I'm hot. I'm hot.

And so it's creepy.

You don't want to look in the mirror

and be attracted to yourself. Be like the...

dude from Silence of the Lambs. "I'd [bleep] me."

You don't want that.

Ah!

♪ Would you look at the time? ♪

♪ You should just stay here tonight ♪

♪ I've had too much wine ♪

♪ You will leave at first light ♪

♪ It isn't that far ♪

♪ Baby, just stay where you are ♪

♪ Back to my place ♪

♪ You can't escape from my embrace ♪

♪ I really had a very nice time ♪

♪ Let me just refill that wine ♪

♪ But I really need to just say good-bye ♪

♪ I would love to see you try ♪

♪ Please unlock this door ♪

♪ it's locked from the outside ♪

- ♪ Babe, you're mine tonight ♪ - ♪ I cannot stay tonight ♪

♪ Look, I really have to go ♪

♪ No, you really have to stay ♪

♪ Hey, "no" means no ♪

♪ That is what they all say ♪

♪ You're hurting my arm ♪

♪ I won't cause you any harm ♪

♪ Let go of me ♪

♪ We can make this hard or just easy ♪

♪ A woman always comes prepared ♪

♪ Ooh, I'm really scared ♪

♪ I said this is not what I want ♪

♪ Why you have to be such a... ♪

♪ I know self-defense ♪

♪ I dare you to try it ♪

♪ I don't want to fight ♪

♪ Bitch, you are mine tonight ♪

♪ Please, just please go away ♪

♪ I thought that you wanted me to stay ♪

♪ Well... well, I just changed my mind ♪

♪ Think I'll just stay and unwind ♪

♪ How did this all switch? ♪

♪ Now you are... ♪

♪ my... ♪

♪ bitch ♪

♪ Please just be kind tonight! ♪

♪ Now you're mine... ♪

♪ to... ♪

♪ night ♪

- Good night! - Good night!

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah!