Original subtitles

Good evening, my fellow Americans.

I'd just to thank you for your continued faith

(screaming) We won!

That's my anger translator, Luther.

Whoo!

Yeah! What's up?

♪ Mm mm-mm mm ♪

♪ Mm mm mm-mm ♪

But I want to wish my opponent, Mitt Romney, well.

He ran a good campaign.

Take that [bleep] back to the lab, Mitt,

'cause you lost!

And now we move forward with pressing issues.

We gonna pass Healthcare again.

Now what, bitches?

While we had huge turnout from our faithful supporters...

Thank you, black folks!

We made it to two elections in a row, man!

Now how hard was that?

All your votes were crucial in this victory.

White people who voted for me,

y'all are all now honorary black people.

So thank you for your support.

And [bleep] you if you tried to [bleep] me!

I mean, you know how much money they tried to spend

to get rid of this?

Millions, son! I said millions!

But you couldn't get rid of a [bleep].

Aw, naw.

Yeah, can't touch this.

Luther.

N... Luther, what'd I tell you?

No Hammer dancing.

Come on, "B"!

We won! Let's do it, dog!

No, I'm, uh, I-I-I told you,

I don't want you doing it wrong.

- Ohh. - You gotta get it right.

- Ohh! - If you're gonna do it...

God bless America.

Oh, that's right, that's right.

Say it, though. Say it!

Now, I-I-I told you, homeboy, U can't touch this.

- Hey! Whoa! - Hey!

Hey!

- Thank you. - Thank you.

All right, all right, all right!

- All right. - All right.

Thank you so much. Thank you. I'm Keegan-Michael Key.

- I'm Jordan Peele. - And this is Key and Peele.

- Thank you... - Welcome to the show.

- ...for coming out tonight. - Yes, welcome to the show.

Um, are you guys sick of politics?

Yeah!

Okay.

Okay.

We're done.

Well, thank God.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - We are finished for a while.

Anyway...

We have this theory that these pop stars

that claim that they party all the time,

- There's no way... - It's impossible.

That they actually party that much.

- Can't party full time. - You can't do that.

But no-one ever writes a pop song about resting.

♪ Today's the day ♪

♪ That I put my head down and rest ♪

- I mean, it's like... - Yeah, you don't get that.

Where's that song?

Party, party, party. You can't party that much.

Nobody can party that much. You're partying too much,

And it's gotta take a toll eventually, I'm sick of it!

It will! (laughter)

♪ Well, tonight we gonna party ♪

♪ Till the party don't stop ♪

♪ And the party don't stop ♪

♪ Because it keeps on going nonstop ♪

♪ Gonna party all night ♪

♪ Gonna keep this party going ♪

♪ 'cause the party won't stop ♪

♪ It's been two straight days and the party's still going ♪

♪ Two, three, four, five, six, seven days ♪

♪ Till it's Friday again and the party keeps going ♪

♪ Party all night 'cause it's an all-night party ♪

♪ Friday night, 9:00 p.m. ♪

♪ Hop in the car, call my friends ♪

♪ Drinks in the back, girls up front ♪

♪ We're going to a party, sending texts ♪

♪ Cell phone rings, iPad, Facebook, party time ♪

♪ Skin-tight jeans, Friday night ♪

♪ Dance, dance, dance ♪

♪ 'cause tonight we goin' out and we ain't comin' back ♪

♪ 'cause the party won't stop and we'll go all night ♪

♪ Friday night, every night, the party's going down ♪

♪ Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down ♪

♪ New York City, L.A., Chicago ♪

♪ Houston, Philly, San Diego ♪

♪ Phoenix, Austin, Fort Worth, Boston ♪

♪ Memphis, Denver, Portland, Vegas ♪

♪ Tucson, Fresno, Akron, Tampa ♪

♪ Pittsburgh, Newark, Plano, Lincoln ♪

♪ Lubbock, Durham, Salem, Dayton ♪

♪ Cities, cities, cities, cities ♪

♪ 'cause tonight we going out and we ain't comin' back ♪

♪ 'cause the party won't stop and we'll go all night ♪

♪ Friday night, every night, the party's going down ♪

♪ Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down ♪

♪ New York City, L.A., Chicago ♪

♪ Houston, Philly, San Diego ♪

♪ Phoenix, Austin, Fort Worth, Boston ♪

♪ Memphis, Denver, Portland, Vegas ♪

♪ Tucson, Fresno, Akron, Tampa ♪

♪ Pittsburgh, Newark, Plano, Lincoln ♪

♪ Lubbock, Durham, Salem, Dayton ♪

♪ Cities, cities, cities, cities ♪

♪ Cities! ♪

♪ Yeah, we're gonna keep it going ♪

♪ Till the break of break of dawn ♪

♪ Then we'll just keep partying all day long ♪

♪ Hot girls, music, dancing, and bikinis and headphones ♪

♪ Party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party ♪

♪ ♪

♪ So tonight we're gonna party till the party don't stop ♪

- Now go... Look at that. - What?

- That's amazing. - He's so good at this.

- Amazing. - I know, look at your points.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Nice! Nice!

Yes. Dude.

You have absolutely mastered this game.

Yeah, well, since, um, Sheila left,

I've been spending a lot of time playing the game.

- You're doing really good. - Thank you.

That's why we're here, man.

Help you get over Sh... her.

And check out this awesome new game you have!

Yay.

You know, I left something in another room.

Um, excuse me, everyone.

Oh, he still has the sensors on.

- Oh, look. - Is that him in his room?

Yeah. You can see him. That's funny. What is he doing?

Is he... is he on his knees?

- Did he drop to his knees? - Oh, n...

- Oh... - That... that...

He's probably looking for...

No, look. He's... he's crying.

- He's crying. Oh, no. - He's just...

- No, no, he's shuddering. - That's just shaking.

He's shuddering. Is he fetal?

Yeah, he curled up. Look at that. He's fetal.

Hey, Craig, buddy. You all right up there?

Oh, yeah, I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm coming right out.

Oh, he... um...

Hey, man, you all right?

Yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It's just, uh, my sinuses... (sniffs) are acting up. Yeah.

Yeah, I, um...

I was just... you know, I was just thinking about Sheila,

and you know what?

I'm... I am totally over her.

- Awesome. - Awesome.

Let's... hey, let's get this party started.

Sure. Oh.

Uh...

I forgot to get rid of this picture of Sheila. Excuse me.

Hey, maybe leave the sensors so one of us can play.

Oh, he's dancing.

He's dancing with the photo. Is he ki...

He's doing... he's doing this a bunch.

- All right. - Is he kissing it?

I think he's kissing it.

Know what? I'm gonna turn this off.

- 'cause we don't need to... - You change it and you die.

He's undoing his buckle.

Look at this. His pants are coming off.

His pants are coming off.

- Oh, God. - Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Okay, that's happening. - Oh, no, no, no.

- My God. - Is he... He's...

He is totally on the bed. - Yeah.

He's totally flat on the bed.

Oh, maybe he's shaking a can... of hairspray...

- Oh! Oh, God. - Oh, gross.

We sh... we shouldn't be... Okay, you know...

Is he reaching down for his foot?

- I don't... - That's his foot, isn't it?

- Is that his foot? - I don't know.

And coming back.

Whew.

I am sorry, everybody.

Would you like me to make some snacks?

Wash your hands first?

You know, we both spend a good deal of time in Chicago,

and, uh, when you go to Chicago, to Wrigleyville,

The bars around that ar... Whoo!

- Mm. It's just... - They're drunk.

- They get [bleep] up.

We saw one time a string of five women,

And there was a woman, like, hanging on...

It was like woman, woman, woman, woman, Raggedy Ann doll.

It was just...

She was just, like, doing this, like...

Anyway, Sophia's never gonna get back to the car, seriously.

What the [bleep] am I supposed to...

- She was supposed to be driving! - Get off me!

I've [bleep] never driven an Audi.

How do you drive an Audi, Sophia?

Get the [bleep] off of me.

You can't even [bleep]... fine.

And she... boom. She drops.

Pretty much.

So this scene is about that girl.

- Are you kidding me? - No!

Seriously, you've gotta come back in the bar right now.

You come back in the bar!

Megan, I don't even [bleep] know Claire!

Yeah, right!

I'm sorry! You left your jacket!

Yeah, well, why don't you give it to your new, fat, ugly girlfriend?

- I haven't even met her yet! - Whatever!

You left your jacket, Megan!

- Oh, throw it in a river! - Why would I [bleep] do that?

- I don't care, I'm over it! - Fine!

God.

- Megan! - Leave me alone!

Your jacket, though!

- No! - Seriously, Megan!

You start buying drinks for everybody

As soon as she comes over. I mean, who does that?

Megan, come back to the bar!

- You're literally an asshole! - How is that possible?

I can't be an asshole. I got arms and legs and a head!

- Where's my jacket? - I have your jacket!

- Fine. - Do you want it?

No!

- You know wha... - Eat it!

Why would I do that?

You know what? I'm not following you anymore!

- I'm done! - Fine! I'm over it!

Fine!

- Megan, come back to the bar. - No!

- Megan! Megan! Megan! - Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh!

Megan, do you want your [bleep] jacket?

No!

Seriously, come back to the bar.

You go back to the bar.

I'm gonna throw this jacket in the water.

Oh, nice. That's really nice.

What do you want me to do, Megan? Damn!

Kiss my butthole, okay?

Good! Fine! Fine! Then I'm going! I'm leaving right now!

God damn it!

- Megan! - No!

- Like, seriously, your jacket! - No!

- But it's your jacket, though! - Whatever!

- Megan! - No!

I have your j... I have your jacket.

I'm over it!

Seriously, Meg...

You know what I mean?

Why you readin', bitch?

Because I like to read, and this is a really good book.

You're a really good bitch, bitch.

Why you gotta bother me, man?

Because.

I'm not doing very well in school.

I'm reading at a third-grade level.

I really don't want to get left back,

so when I see somebody reading for fun,

it makes me feel that much more stupid!

And then I get mad!

Um, I didn't know that. I...

Thanks so much for opening up to me...

- Shut up, queer! - I don't understand.

Why... I mean, why you gotta go there?

I've been having sexual fantasies

about some of the other guys at school.

- What? - Gimme that!

I'm afraid of these feelings and what they might mean.

It's like, because I hate myself so much,

I gotta point that hate outward towards you!

You understand this on such a deep level that...

- I don't understand [bleep]! - Whoa!

Now I'm gonna punish you physically

for acknowledging my emotional problems!

Wait, wait, wait,

I was gonna say if you understand yourself so well,

then maybe you should try working on changing it.

Of course I want to change it!

But it's the only defense mechanism I have

against deeper, more terrifying problems buried inside of me!

You're lucky my Dad's here. (piano music)

Get in the damn truck, son.

I need to take you home and beat on you 'cause I hate myself.

And you look like your mother who left me.

Then I'm gonna block out the guilt I feel over mistreating you

with a river of vodka.

I'm gonna internalize that

and unknowingly transfer it onto you tomorrow.

Coming reluctantly.

So Jordan and I... we, um...

We like global affairs.

I like playing Risk.

Yeah, Risk is a gr... yeah, mm-hmm, example.

Africa's very interesting to us.

- Yes, yes. - We find Africa interesting.

That's... Africa is perplexing to me

Because that is... that's a place

where you will have the evilest mother[bleep] walking around,

and they're wearing a Ducktales shirt.

You're like, wha... How did he?

Why does he have...

What is going on? You know, it's just...

It's kind of like America, if you think about it,

'cause especially in the '90s,

you walk down the worst neighborhood in Amer...

You know you are in trouble

if a mother[bleep] got a Tweety shirt on.

Twee... yeah.

"You come down the wrong neighborhood, Puddy T."

Commander Bujune!

Our forces have been devastated.

The enemy is at the edge of the village.

There are not many of us left.

Should we surrender?

You may surrender, Jengo.

But I am afraid that is a luxury I cannot afford.

You have no idea what they do to warlords.

If they capture me, they will torture me for weeks.

That is no way to go.

I want you, my most trusted soldier over the age of eight,

to take my life.

That is my final order.

Aah!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Ow!

Ow! No, do... no! Aah, stop, stop!

What the hell are you doing?

Haa!

I was trying to kill you, sir.

Not with this! There's a gun in the drawer!

Aah!

Oh.

So sorry. Okay.

Amazing.

You missed every vital organ, Jengo.

- Oh... - Found it.

All right, now kill me, Jengo. Hurry, please!

Not in the knee!

I thought you might want an open casket.

You are an idiot!

Don't say that. I did try my best.

Shoot me in the head, you imbecile!

God.

Good-bye, commander.

You sorry-ass piece of sh... (gun clicks)

Did you just insult me as you were about to fire?

Oh, well, you had insulted me earlier.

I th... I thought you would be dead.

Ah, ooh. So sorry.

Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Stop... stop it! What the hell are you doing?

The gun is empty. Would you like I stab you again?

No, no, no! Please!

Jengo, there are bullets! They are over there!

Okay.

Jengo, please hurry! I am in agony!

Ow!

What the blazes, man?

I thought I could kill you very quick.

by hitting you with that big cooking pot.

Oh, my God, would you please, I mean, please get it over with?

I did not find the bullets.

- What? - But better.

Boiling hot water.

What are you going to do with...

I surrender!

I am the general Dominique Bujune!

Commander! Don't go! They'll torture you!

Well, you guys like, uh... You guys like Ryan Gosling?

Yeah.

- But dude does not act, though. - No, that's the thing.

He does not act. He's not doing anything.

That's his secret is he's got...

He uses the Kuleshov Effect. That's the thing.

- Coolest... what? - The Kuleshov Effect.

It's... it just means that he doesn't have...

Like, all you have to know is what the movie's about,

and then he just has to look like this,

and then you think he's thinking that.

That's his gift.

You know, it's like... you know...

"In a world where a man loses his father..."

And then it's just his face going...

And then you go, "Oh, man, Ryan Gosling is sad."

Mm, [bleep] hot. I don't care how he acts.

He can make all the non-faces he wants.

Okay, man, you know what? It wasn't my fault, all right?

I-I-I-I had the money like you said

in a trash bag in the back of my car,

and I was gonna go straight to the drop spot.

All right?

No, no... Hol... Okay. Okay, okay.

Okay, no... no, hey, hey, hey, hey, man.

There ain't no need for you to get comfortable.

Okay? Because... because I'm telling you, man.

What happened wasn't my fault, all right?

I-I-I-I-I-I drove to the agreed upon location, man.

Oh... oh, man.

What? Okay... okay, okay!

Okay, bec... bec... okay.

Because there's no need to have anything crazy in a paper bag.

I'm telling you.

There's an explanation for what went down!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Okay!

Let's calm down now. Let's calm down, man.

There ain't no need.

Oh, not a juice box?

There ain't no need to eat a meal

and then do some crazy [bleep]

with the sandwich container and the juice box!

Oh, man, come on.

Come on, man. Just chill out a little bit.

Just... you need to relax, man.

You need to take it easy and rela...

Oh, [bleep]! Oh, goddamn!

Now, come on, man! Don't do it, don't do it!

Don't do it, man! You sh... come on, man.

Oh, you're eating the sandwich! You're eating the sandwich.

Oh, man, how you gonna sandwich me, dog?

How you gonna sandwich me? Oh, [bleep]!

Okay, look, it's gettin' crazy now!

It's gotta stop! It's gotta stop right now, okay?

You cleanin' yourself up before you do some ill [bleep]?

Come on, man!

What you doin'? What you wanna know?

What... I'll tell you whatever you wanna know, man!

Just please stop this cold-ass [bleep], man!

I'm beggin' you, dog, please. Oh, [bleep]! No! No, okay!

Look, okay, may... maybe it was my fault a little bit.

Maybe it was my fault a little bit, but don't just...

What you gonna do with that juice box, man?

What're you gonna do with that j...

What're you gonna do with the straw?

What're you gonna do with the straw?

Come on, man, do... listen, listen.

No, no. No, I did it! I did it! I did it, okay? I did it!

I did it, I left the car! I left for three minutes!

So please don't do anything with the straw!

Why aren't you stopping? Fine! Fine!

Aah! Aah! Man!

Okay, man! Ha, ha! I beat you to it!

Okay? I got your point, all right, man?

Ha!

Oh, man, that's a bitch!

Will we be having any more problems out of him, sir?

No.

Yeah. That's what I'm talkin' about.

Seriously, we're done.

So just say good-bye, Megan.

- No! - Say it!

Uh-uh!

- Say good-bye! - No!

Would you [bleep] say good-bye?

- Get away from me! - Just say it!

You are literally an asshole!

Bye, man! Say good-bye! (cheers and applause)

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah.