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1
00:00:02,173 --> 00:00:04,003
The power of Christ
compels you!
2
00:00:04,242 --> 00:00:05,471
[bleep] your mother!
3
00:00:05,553 --> 00:00:06,899
The power of Christ
compels you!
4
00:00:07,315 --> 00:00:08,886
The power of Christ compels you!
5
00:00:08,903 --> 00:00:10,190
Your mother's in Hell!
6
00:00:10,197 --> 00:00:12,206
The power of Christ
compels you!
7
00:00:13,748 --> 00:00:15,048
I'll suck your [bleep].
8
00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:17,951
Let me suck your [bleep],
mother[bleep].
9
00:00:25,276 --> 00:00:26,607
Could you please
clear the room?
10
00:00:49,109 --> 00:00:50,576
Yo!
11
00:00:54,447 --> 00:00:56,582
Thank you so much.
12
00:00:57,199 --> 00:00:58,951
That was scary...
13
00:00:59,018 --> 00:01:00,907
before it got offensive.
14
00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:04,351
Good evening, everybody,
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
15
00:01:04,384 --> 00:01:06,377
- I am Jordan Peele.
- And we're Key and Peele.
16
00:01:06,389 --> 00:01:07,523
Thanks for coming out.
17
00:01:08,788 --> 00:01:09,821
Thank you so much.
18
00:01:09,855 --> 00:01:10,920
Happy Halloween, everybody.
19
00:01:10,929 --> 00:01:11,894
- Welcome.
- Happy Halloween.
20
00:01:11,932 --> 00:01:13,498
- This is our...
- All Hallow's Eve, yes.
21
00:01:13,514 --> 00:01:15,682
- Our Halloween celebration.
- Mm-hmm, yes.
22
00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:17,902
Um, we are...
we're fans of horror movies.
23
00:01:18,041 --> 00:01:19,341
And there's
several different kinds.
24
00:01:19,350 --> 00:01:20,717
- There's several different kinds.
- There's... right.
25
00:01:20,755 --> 00:01:24,011
There's the kind where
there's little Asian children
26
00:01:24,101 --> 00:01:25,447
that sound like Penelope Cruz.
27
00:01:25,490 --> 00:01:26,709
Yup, yeah.
28
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:30,323
Well, you know what?
My favorite...
29
00:01:30,341 --> 00:01:33,031
My favorite horror movies
are the possession ones.
30
00:01:33,052 --> 00:01:36,067
- Oh, yes, yes.
- And since I've been in California,
31
00:01:36,345 --> 00:01:39,057
I will go see a horror movie
at 12:00 at night.
32
00:01:39,101 --> 00:01:40,746
I went and saw
Paranormal Activity,
33
00:01:40,785 --> 00:01:44,014
There was a family of
75 Mexican people in front of me.
34
00:01:46,083 --> 00:01:48,710
And 90% of them were
under the age of four.
35
00:01:49,641 --> 00:01:52,209
And... and you know what the most
messed up thing about it is,
36
00:01:52,416 --> 00:01:55,185
like clockwork,
about halfway through the movie,
37
00:01:55,185 --> 00:01:56,271
- at some point...
- Yeah, yeah.
38
00:01:56,367 --> 00:01:59,798
Somebody goes, "Oh, no,
it's not a ghost, it's a demon."
39
00:01:59,844 --> 00:02:00,993
The entire mexican family,
40
00:02:01,014 --> 00:02:02,939
"Oh, no, [bleep] this.
We don't [bleep] with that."
41
00:02:05,038 --> 00:02:06,805
- Right in front of my action.
- Everybody, there's the kid...
42
00:02:06,821 --> 00:02:08,989
Oh, come on, this is...
43
00:02:08,989 --> 00:02:10,381
This is ridiculous.
44
00:02:10,411 --> 00:02:12,630
They're all leaving,
the whole family.
45
00:02:12,631 --> 00:02:14,692
- This is a... you know...
- En masse, out the door.
46
00:02:14,714 --> 00:02:17,314
It's a horror movie,
it's always Diablo!
47
00:02:17,336 --> 00:02:19,032
Yeah, what did you think
was gonna happen?
48
00:02:22,001 --> 00:02:23,700
Oh, here we go, we got more.
49
00:02:24,743 --> 00:02:25,604
Hey!
50
00:02:25,963 --> 00:02:28,473
What's up, Ted and Annette?
Come on in.
51
00:02:28,541 --> 00:02:31,256
Yes. Fangs for coming.
52
00:02:32,479 --> 00:02:33,779
Have a bloody good time.
53
00:02:33,824 --> 00:02:36,111
Awesome.
Oh! Oh.
54
00:02:36,145 --> 00:02:37,284
♪ Hee-hee! ♪
55
00:02:37,284 --> 00:02:39,714
There he is.
What's up, Noah?
56
00:02:39,758 --> 00:02:41,626
♪ Hee-hee! ♪
- Michael Jackson.
57
00:02:41,669 --> 00:02:43,593
- ♪ Hee-hee! ♪
- Oh, here it is.
58
00:02:44,063 --> 00:02:46,136
- ♪ Hee-hee! ♪
- Yeah, that's what he does.
59
00:02:46,136 --> 00:02:47,972
- ♪ Hee-hee! ♪
- That's Michael Jackson.
60
00:02:47,986 --> 00:02:49,320
- ♪ Hee-hee! ♪
- All right.
61
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,184
- ♪ Hee-ee hee! ♪
- Great!
62
00:02:52,235 --> 00:02:53,526
- Ow!
- Nice.
63
00:02:53,570 --> 00:02:55,784
♪ Ow! Sham! ♪
- Oh, there we go.
64
00:02:55,794 --> 00:02:57,828
- ♪ Sham! ♪
- There we go.
65
00:02:57,828 --> 00:03:00,273
- ♪ Sham! ♪
- All right, three's the charm.
66
00:03:00,315 --> 00:03:01,315
- ♪ Sham on! ♪
- Four.
67
00:03:01,321 --> 00:03:02,221
- Ha!
- All right, well...
68
00:03:02,221 --> 00:03:05,443
- Annie, are you okay?
- Oh! He's leaning. He's leaning.
69
00:03:05,444 --> 00:03:06,844
- Are you okay, Annie?
- All right.
70
00:03:06,875 --> 00:03:08,879
- Are you okay?
- Annie, are you okay, Annie?
71
00:03:08,912 --> 00:03:11,509
You've been touched by
a smooth criminal.
72
00:03:11,527 --> 00:03:12,933
- Very nice Ha!.
- ♪ Sham on! ♪
73
00:03:13,645 --> 00:03:15,299
- Oh, more kicks.
- Ha! Closer! Closer!
74
00:03:15,299 --> 00:03:17,008
- More kicks. You're...
- Close to your face!
75
00:03:17,026 --> 00:03:18,929
You... Ah!
You almost hit me there.
76
00:03:18,951 --> 00:03:20,085
- You're really getting...
- ♪ Sham on! ♪
77
00:03:20,097 --> 00:03:21,364
No more "sham on"s.
78
00:03:21,376 --> 00:03:22,209
♪ Hoo hoo! ♪
79
00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:23,173
You want to come inside?
80
00:03:26,645 --> 00:03:28,980
That's annoying.
That is very annoy...
81
00:03:29,011 --> 00:03:31,856
Stop. Stop! Just...
Don't do it anymore.
82
00:03:31,924 --> 00:03:32,918
Ha!
83
00:03:32,952 --> 00:03:34,619
♪ Yo ! Sham on! ♪
- Great.
84
00:03:34,687 --> 00:03:36,309
Just keep doing the sham on.
That's the one...
85
00:03:36,354 --> 00:03:37,912
Where the children at?
♪ Hee! Hee! ♪
86
00:03:37,925 --> 00:03:39,275
- "Where the children at?"
- ♪ Jesus juice ♪
87
00:03:39,282 --> 00:03:40,585
- That's in bad taste.
- Ho!
88
00:03:44,478 --> 00:03:45,272
This isn't...
89
00:03:47,473 --> 00:03:48,973
Thriller eyes.
90
00:03:48,985 --> 00:03:50,796
- ♪ Sham on! ♪
- What... what are you doing?
91
00:03:50,828 --> 00:03:53,189
- ♪ Jam it on! Jam it on! ♪
- No, you're cut of sham ons.
92
00:03:53,228 --> 00:03:54,857
I'm... oh, okay.
Ha!
93
00:03:54,857 --> 00:03:57,369
He doesn't slap his ass
like that, so I don't know what...
94
00:03:57,397 --> 00:03:59,898
- Okay.
- ♪ nah-nah-nah, nah-nah-nah... ♪
95
00:03:59,966 --> 00:04:01,466
- ♪ Nah-nah ♪
- No, he doesn't...
96
00:04:01,503 --> 00:04:03,042
I've never seen him
hit his ass...
97
00:04:03,090 --> 00:04:05,772
- Hey. But no...
- O-oh!
98
00:04:05,781 --> 00:04:07,882
Hey... can we just... hey...
99
00:04:07,887 --> 00:04:09,154
Hey, man...
100
00:04:09,191 --> 00:04:11,542
Hey, stop... stop it! Stop it!
101
00:04:12,603 --> 00:04:14,304
The [bleep] costume's
awful,
102
00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:16,376
The impression is stupid
and played out,
103
00:04:16,382 --> 00:04:17,915
Everybody and their mother
was Michael Jackson
104
00:04:17,921 --> 00:04:19,555
three years ago when he died!
105
00:04:27,137 --> 00:04:28,266
He died?
106
00:04:29,086 --> 00:04:31,702
- Oh.
- Wait... wait, he died?
107
00:04:31,702 --> 00:04:32,868
Oh, Noah.
108
00:04:34,112 --> 00:04:35,573
Oh, Noah...
109
00:04:35,610 --> 00:04:37,044
♪ Boo hoo ♪
110
00:04:37,112 --> 00:04:38,946
What?
No, wait... wait a second.
111
00:04:39,387 --> 00:04:41,506
Don't sad-moonwalk away.
112
00:04:41,517 --> 00:04:42,651
♪ Mm, boo hoo ♪
113
00:04:42,651 --> 00:04:45,452
- You know what? Let...
- ♪ Boo hoo! ♪
114
00:04:45,489 --> 00:04:46,789
Happy Halloween.
115
00:04:51,926 --> 00:04:52,803
All right, listen up.
116
00:04:53,087 --> 00:04:55,322
Sheriff's department's close by...
We'll be safe there.
117
00:04:55,359 --> 00:04:56,792
- Okay.
- Stay close.
118
00:04:57,808 --> 00:04:58,963
I'll get you out of here.
119
00:05:06,667 --> 00:05:08,990
Oh, my God! Oh, my G...
They got Brad!
120
00:05:09,667 --> 00:05:11,487
They got Brad! They got Brad!
121
00:05:11,527 --> 00:05:13,528
Hey, they didn't get us!
They didn't get us!
122
00:05:13,637 --> 00:05:15,032
Okay? We're still alive.
123
00:05:15,069 --> 00:05:16,714
- Yeah, right.
- Keep it together.
124
00:05:16,782 --> 00:05:17,350
Yeah, okay.
125
00:05:17,368 --> 00:05:19,321
We gotta make it
to that sheriff's station.
126
00:05:36,996 --> 00:05:38,922
We gotta go through 'em.
127
00:05:38,961 --> 00:05:41,729
Just stay together, keep moving,
and don't get bit.
128
00:05:42,390 --> 00:05:43,223
Go!
129
00:05:54,193 --> 00:05:56,961
- Are you getting this?
- Yeah, what is up?
130
00:05:57,059 --> 00:05:59,300
All right, let's go.
Let's go.
131
00:06:00,832 --> 00:06:02,833
This is crazy.
132
00:06:06,872 --> 00:06:08,810
- What?
- Um...
133
00:06:13,032 --> 00:06:15,076
- Oh.
- Ain't that some [bleep]?
134
00:06:15,162 --> 00:06:18,113
These are some racist
mother-[bleep] zombies!
135
00:06:18,185 --> 00:06:19,619
Why would you even
lock the door?
136
00:06:19,807 --> 00:06:21,060
I mean, the window's broken,
and...
137
00:06:22,107 --> 00:06:24,275
Oh! Oh, hell, no.
138
00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:25,443
- That's...
- No, no, no.
139
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,372
- Oh, come on!
- What is that?
140
00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:33,231
They seriously
wouldn't let her eat us.
141
00:06:33,233 --> 00:06:34,800
- That's...
- Hey, guys.
142
00:06:35,614 --> 00:06:37,287
Isn't this great?
143
00:06:37,415 --> 00:06:39,350
These racist zombies
are leaving us alone.
144
00:06:39,806 --> 00:06:41,473
Come on,
we're having a party.
145
00:06:45,914 --> 00:06:47,481
The beer is here!
146
00:06:49,554 --> 00:06:51,622
And look who I brought.
Come on, man.
147
00:07:13,027 --> 00:07:14,928
You like Harry Potter movies,
right?
148
00:07:14,953 --> 00:07:17,354
I do like...
putting me on blast.
149
00:07:17,393 --> 00:07:19,327
- Put me on blast.
- I'm just asking you...
150
00:07:19,365 --> 00:07:20,965
- Yeah, I like...
- If you enjoy the...
151
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:22,761
Can you explain
that phenomenon to me?
152
00:07:22,828 --> 00:07:24,147
Never read a book,
never seen a movie.
153
00:07:24,185 --> 00:07:26,067
- Okay, see, well, you're...
- I don't know anything about it.
154
00:07:26,075 --> 00:07:28,051
- You're missing out.
- Am I missing out? Am I missing out?
155
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:29,290
Mm, my friend.
156
00:07:30,036 --> 00:07:33,895
My friend, the wonderful world
of Hogwarts.
157
00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:36,971
Okay, and that's...
that's his house, right?
158
00:07:37,038 --> 00:07:37,989
That's... oh.
159
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:40,159
- That's... Hogwarts's house?
- House.
160
00:07:40,197 --> 00:07:41,597
No, you would love it.
161
00:07:41,636 --> 00:07:43,438
You would love...
you would be perfect for Hog...
162
00:07:43,533 --> 00:07:45,802
- I don't think so.
- You...look, Hufflepuff.
163
00:07:45,839 --> 00:07:48,166
[bleep] Hufflepuff.
You just got sorted.
164
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:50,765
- Do I go like...
- You just got sorted.
165
00:07:50,819 --> 00:07:52,012
Is that right?
Is what I'm doing right?
166
00:07:54,481 --> 00:07:56,682
Okay, but do I look
in the camera?
167
00:07:56,691 --> 00:07:58,383
No? Oh, at you?
All right.
168
00:07:58,997 --> 00:08:01,665
Like on television,
all right.
169
00:08:07,427 --> 00:08:08,595
Now, knock it off!
170
00:08:08,700 --> 00:08:11,902
All the stupid-ass grab-ass
and touchy-feely bull[bleep]!
171
00:08:12,119 --> 00:08:14,306
God damn!
I told you they was rotten.
172
00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:22,234
I am Parnabus Jackson,
principal here at Clortho's,
173
00:08:22,866 --> 00:08:26,452
Uh, Vince Clortho High.
Uh...
174
00:08:26,838 --> 00:08:28,542
This station's
just a formality, but...
175
00:08:28,572 --> 00:08:31,240
Here's a bunch of stuff that
we confiscated just this week.
176
00:08:31,693 --> 00:08:33,860
Stuff...we don't have
to show them that.
177
00:08:34,017 --> 00:08:35,751
Here's a wand
with a silencer on it.
178
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,733
Why?
But I ask again, why?
179
00:08:38,804 --> 00:08:40,970
One out of five girls
in this school
180
00:08:41,091 --> 00:08:43,059
is pregnant with a demon baby!
181
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,256
- Well...
- One out of five!
182
00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:46,460
- Okay.
- ***
183
00:08:46,529 --> 00:08:48,453
The babies are evil,
184
00:08:48,462 --> 00:08:51,606
But the mothers,
they're good kids.
185
00:08:51,702 --> 00:08:53,650
As we say at Clortho's,
186
00:08:53,883 --> 00:08:56,497
"There's never a portal
that cannot be opened
187
00:08:56,499 --> 00:08:58,919
"with ingenuity and respect."
188
00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:00,667
Now...
189
00:09:03,372 --> 00:09:05,573
How you gon' be using
an invisible cloak,
190
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:08,237
when I can see
you're tagging the damn wall?
191
00:09:08,674 --> 00:09:10,141
Dime bag of pixie dust.
192
00:09:10,682 --> 00:09:11,454
Contraband.
193
00:09:11,482 --> 00:09:12,916
See, here's the thing,
194
00:09:12,916 --> 00:09:15,082
The kids know
that the only way to fly...
195
00:09:15,107 --> 00:09:17,220
- Wizard pepper.
- Unbelievable.
196
00:09:17,912 --> 00:09:19,512
Get your ass
out my office.
197
00:09:19,623 --> 00:09:22,058
I will turn you
into a spider!
198
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:23,836
They're good kids.
199
00:09:24,295 --> 00:09:25,681
Hogwarts and Clortho's,
200
00:09:25,698 --> 00:09:28,000
Clortho's and Hogwarts,
they go hand-in-hand,
201
00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:30,704
The best top two
wizarding schools there are.
202
00:09:31,306 --> 00:09:33,311
But you know,
out of these two schools,
203
00:09:33,377 --> 00:09:34,551
we each have a strike.
204
00:09:34,597 --> 00:09:38,018
We do score a little bit lower
on standardized tests
205
00:09:38,087 --> 00:09:41,923
than hogwarts,
but there is a cultural bias.
206
00:09:41,969 --> 00:09:45,104
We may not have
a huge endowment
207
00:09:45,130 --> 00:09:47,198
like they get
over at Hogwarts,
208
00:09:47,244 --> 00:09:49,545
and yes, some of the teachers
have to buy
209
00:09:49,581 --> 00:09:51,647
their own newt's eyes
or bat wings or...
210
00:09:51,695 --> 00:09:53,264
One kid got transformed
into a cat.
211
00:09:53,269 --> 00:09:54,851
They can't even afford
to change him back.
212
00:09:54,857 --> 00:09:56,524
This young man's name
is Jamar.
213
00:09:56,827 --> 00:09:59,228
Normally, you're not allowed
to touch the students like this
214
00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:00,899
when they're in human form,
215
00:10:01,053 --> 00:10:04,689
But when they're a cat,
we just have at it.
216
00:10:05,661 --> 00:10:07,058
Sports.
217
00:10:07,104 --> 00:10:08,757
Everybody loves sports.
218
00:10:08,781 --> 00:10:09,779
- It's true.
- Not everybody.
219
00:10:09,830 --> 00:10:11,330
The hallways are a-bluster
220
00:10:11,370 --> 00:10:13,338
with the conversation
of our Quidditch team.
221
00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,279
Half the team
is back here riding mops.
222
00:10:15,305 --> 00:10:16,888
We got two little [bleep]
on Swiffers.
223
00:10:16,899 --> 00:10:17,863
Lester!
224
00:10:18,715 --> 00:10:22,436
When all is said and done,
the average Clortho student...
225
00:10:22,634 --> 00:10:24,177
uh, say... This mother...
226
00:10:26,414 --> 00:10:28,154
Sometimes the kids
think it's cute
227
00:10:28,202 --> 00:10:29,869
To turn themselves
into a rat,
228
00:10:30,623 --> 00:10:32,028
sneak into my office,
229
00:10:32,031 --> 00:10:33,167
Play a little joke on me.
230
00:10:33,193 --> 00:10:35,035
Who is that?
Tyrone, is that... is that...?
231
00:10:35,056 --> 00:10:36,557
No,
that's an actual rat.
232
00:10:37,954 --> 00:10:40,004
So I'm doing this, like,
airline food diet.
233
00:10:40,026 --> 00:10:40,993
- Yeah.
- It's, like, all I eat,
234
00:10:41,018 --> 00:10:41,918
and I've lost,
like, 16 pounds.
235
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:42,868
- Oh, my God, Amy.
- Yeah.
236
00:10:42,891 --> 00:10:44,266
- I almost forgot to tell you.
- What?
237
00:10:44,266 --> 00:10:45,438
We got a new receptionist
at work.
238
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:46,874
- Ew! No way.
- Yeah. So...
239
00:10:46,878 --> 00:10:49,028
I'm in the common area alone,
minding my own business...
240
00:10:49,054 --> 00:10:50,363
- Yeah...oh,
she said something to you?
241
00:10:50,366 --> 00:10:52,101
She came up to me,
and no joke, she's like,
242
00:10:52,296 --> 00:10:54,531
"Hi, I'm Sandy.
I don't believe we've met yet."
243
00:10:55,346 --> 00:10:56,400
She said that to you?
244
00:10:56,443 --> 00:10:58,911
Like, no, Amy,
I'm not even kidding you.
245
00:10:58,914 --> 00:11:00,714
She's crazy.
- Um, yeah!
246
00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:04,714
No, like, I'm scared, like, crazy,
like, get this bitch away from me,
247
00:11:04,784 --> 00:11:06,742
She's sociopathically
batshit crazy.
248
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:07,867
Oh, my God,
that totally reminds me,
249
00:11:07,892 --> 00:11:09,726
- I have a new neighbor.
- Ew, yeah?
250
00:11:09,729 --> 00:11:11,483
She comes over to my house,
she knocks on the door
251
00:11:11,509 --> 00:11:13,574
with, like, a package under her arm.
252
00:11:13,574 --> 00:11:15,608
- Um, stalker much?
- Um, yeah.
253
00:11:15,611 --> 00:11:17,512
And she looks me in the eye,
and she says to me,
254
00:11:17,537 --> 00:11:20,172
"Um, excuse me,
I think the postman
255
00:11:20,175 --> 00:11:23,104
dropped this package off
at my house by accident."
256
00:11:23,139 --> 00:11:24,651
- She said that to you?
- Yeah.
257
00:11:24,685 --> 00:11:26,034
- Crazy bitch!
- I mean, like,
258
00:11:26,081 --> 00:11:27,848
I'm gonna have to move
because this bitch is
259
00:11:27,895 --> 00:11:29,229
nutburgers-McLooneytunes,
260
00:11:29,275 --> 00:11:31,410
stand-at-the-foot-of-my-bed-
with-a-knife crazy.
261
00:11:31,435 --> 00:11:33,035
Oh, my God,
that totally reminds me!
262
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:34,735
- Oh, yeah.
- You remember that girl at Starbuck's?
263
00:11:34,768 --> 00:11:36,680
- The crazy one?
- No, a different one. She's new.
264
00:11:36,721 --> 00:11:38,722
- I haven't met her yet.
- Well, she's crazy.
265
00:11:38,767 --> 00:11:40,335
- Uh-huh.
- She gives me my change,
266
00:11:40,381 --> 00:11:42,735
and then she's like,
"Thanks, bye."
267
00:11:44,014 --> 00:11:45,866
She smiled at you like that?
268
00:11:45,870 --> 00:11:47,971
- How crazy is that?
- That's, like...
269
00:11:47,996 --> 00:11:50,094
That's, like,
insane-in-the-membrane crazy.
270
00:11:50,102 --> 00:11:52,785
Like, this is the membrane, she's
inside of it, 'cause that's insane.
271
00:11:52,785 --> 00:11:54,435
No, I'm not even
kidding you, Amy,
272
00:11:54,442 --> 00:11:56,926
that's crazy like, it-puts-
the-lotion-in-the-basket,
273
00:11:56,950 --> 00:12:00,218
or-else-it-gets-the-hose-again,
Cray-to-the-mother[bleep] Cray!
274
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:03,446
Yeah, like, if Jay-Z had a sister,
her name would be "Cray."
275
00:12:03,497 --> 00:12:04,129
Hey!
276
00:12:05,089 --> 00:12:06,990
You ladies
want to meet Channing Tatum?
277
00:12:08,383 --> 00:12:10,317
- Is he really in there?
- Are you serious?
278
00:12:10,514 --> 00:12:12,915
- Oh, Channing!
- (gasps) Oh, my God, Channing!
279
00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:14,274
Channing,
what are you doing in a van?
280
00:12:14,298 --> 00:12:16,333
This is effing crazy.
I don't see you, Channing.
281
00:12:16,358 --> 00:12:17,891
- Why are you hiding?
- Why are you in here?
282
00:12:17,895 --> 00:12:20,093
Channing, are you, like,
in a little ball in the front seat?
283
00:12:20,127 --> 00:12:21,701
Hello?
It smells like mildew in here.
284
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:23,934
- I bet...
- ow! Sharp, jagged, rusty edge.
285
00:12:23,958 --> 00:12:25,041
Is that a meat hook?
286
00:12:33,814 --> 00:12:35,431
You guys know what
a Human Centipede is?
287
00:12:35,572 --> 00:12:36,639
Human centipede?
288
00:12:36,685 --> 00:12:37,614
Yeah.
You guys?
289
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:38,874
Some of you don't?
Some people don't.
290
00:12:38,899 --> 00:12:40,659
There's this movie
called Human Centipede.
291
00:12:40,673 --> 00:12:42,938
It's the most [bleep] up
horror movie ever.
292
00:12:42,983 --> 00:12:44,528
Ever made.
Ever made, ever.
293
00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:46,872
And what happens, basically,
three people
294
00:12:46,904 --> 00:12:49,612
and the first person's ass is sewn
to the next person's mouth.
295
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:51,408
- Mouth.
- Whose ass is sewn...
296
00:12:51,415 --> 00:12:53,649
To the next person's mouth.
297
00:12:53,976 --> 00:12:57,502
And hence,
a multi-legged organism, uh...
298
00:12:57,766 --> 00:12:59,665
And then...
Look at this woman's mouth,
299
00:12:59,703 --> 00:13:01,264
It's just open... Don't open
your mouth right now, ma'am.
300
00:13:01,291 --> 00:13:02,258
She's just, like... don't op...
yes, please, don't...
301
00:13:02,303 --> 00:13:03,261
You don't want
to open your...
302
00:13:03,289 --> 00:13:04,422
No one's gonna
do it to you, ma'am.
303
00:13:04,468 --> 00:13:06,035
(audience ohs)
304
00:13:06,773 --> 00:13:09,294
So here's what happened
in real life on planet Earth.
305
00:13:09,341 --> 00:13:11,283
- On planet Earth, in real life,
306
00:13:11,336 --> 00:13:13,433
somebody said, "Let's take
a look at this script here.
307
00:13:13,474 --> 00:13:14,700
- Yeah.
- "Let me see.
308
00:13:14,725 --> 00:13:16,741
"I think you'll like
everything I've done there.
309
00:13:16,811 --> 00:13:18,779
- "Uh-huh, okay.
- "Let me know how you think.
310
00:13:18,868 --> 00:13:21,063
"Uh-huh.
Yeah, uh-huh, oh, yeah,
311
00:13:21,374 --> 00:13:23,178
"this should make
millions of dollars."
312
00:13:26,261 --> 00:13:28,126
- I am gonna go wash my hands.
- Okay, sweetie.
313
00:13:28,137 --> 00:13:29,971
- Okay.
- See you in a second.
314
00:13:35,719 --> 00:13:36,956
Buddy!
315
00:13:37,219 --> 00:13:40,321
Um, I'm sorry, uh,
that seat is actually taken.
316
00:13:40,604 --> 00:13:42,867
My girlfriend
is in the bathroom,
317
00:13:42,870 --> 00:13:45,192
and she should be back any second,
so you cannot sit there.
318
00:13:45,223 --> 00:13:47,524
You don't even recognize me,
do you?
319
00:13:47,549 --> 00:13:49,450
No. No, I d...I don't...
I don't know you.
320
00:13:49,517 --> 00:13:51,652
We were in
that human centipede together!
321
00:13:51,654 --> 00:13:53,856
I said,
I do not know you.
322
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:56,908
Three years ago, we were kidnapped
by the crazy German scientist
323
00:13:56,968 --> 00:13:59,612
who surgically connected us
into a single human digestive chain.
324
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,014
There were three of us,
I was in the middle,
325
00:14:01,081 --> 00:14:02,885
you were at the end,
the other guy was up front.
326
00:14:02,928 --> 00:14:04,841
Your mouth
was sewn to my butthole!
327
00:14:04,866 --> 00:14:06,103
Okay, yes, I remember!
328
00:14:06,153 --> 00:14:09,122
And after years of therapy,
I finally put that behind me.
329
00:14:09,279 --> 00:14:10,822
Probably should've said
you put it behind me,
330
00:14:10,848 --> 00:14:12,647
If you catch my drift.
I'm sorry.
331
00:14:12,648 --> 00:14:14,417
Sorry!
You already caught my drift.
332
00:14:14,423 --> 00:14:15,876
I'm sorry!
That's it.
333
00:14:15,922 --> 00:14:17,089
It was right there
in front of me.
334
00:14:17,092 --> 00:14:18,726
- Really? Really?
- I'm sorry.
335
00:14:18,861 --> 00:14:20,342
I guess it was right there
in front of you.
336
00:14:20,342 --> 00:14:22,423
That's it.
I'm sorry.
337
00:14:22,428 --> 00:14:25,159
How are you doing?
How are you?
338
00:14:25,179 --> 00:14:26,780
Is there something else
I can help you with?
339
00:14:26,826 --> 00:14:28,526
- Um...oh!
- Hey, [bleep] eater.
340
00:14:28,551 --> 00:14:30,752
- No [bleep] way!
- Hey!
341
00:14:30,776 --> 00:14:33,344
- Front man!
- this is a [bleep] nightmare.
342
00:14:33,348 --> 00:14:34,548
Hey, Back man.
Back man!
343
00:14:34,551 --> 00:14:36,185
No, don't call me that.
344
00:14:36,191 --> 00:14:37,357
- Ah!
- Hey, cop a squat.
345
00:14:37,357 --> 00:14:38,524
No!
346
00:14:38,527 --> 00:14:40,443
Ooh, chili.
Old habits die hard?
347
00:14:40,931 --> 00:14:42,257
Nice one!
348
00:14:42,260 --> 00:14:44,023
- Now I can't eat it.
- Oh, word?
349
00:14:44,354 --> 00:14:47,437
- Why are you happy to see him?
- Come on, man!
350
00:14:47,497 --> 00:14:49,975
You know, we all shared
the same experience.
351
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,637
No, we didn't. He was in the front.
Nobody [bleep] in his mouth!
352
00:14:52,694 --> 00:14:53,591
That is true.
353
00:14:53,667 --> 00:14:56,854
- Do you ever stop eating? Ever?
- Only when I'm [bleep].
354
00:14:56,857 --> 00:14:57,626
Okay.
355
00:14:57,679 --> 00:15:00,785
- But me and you, right?
- Me and you what?
356
00:15:00,855 --> 00:15:03,066
I mean.
We were in the same boat.
357
00:15:03,129 --> 00:15:04,996
Nope, you two
were in the same boat.
358
00:15:05,042 --> 00:15:06,776
You both [bleep]
in someone's mouth.
359
00:15:06,844 --> 00:15:08,544
I didn't get to [bleep]
in anyone's mouth!
360
00:15:08,590 --> 00:15:09,157
"Get to"?
361
00:15:09,226 --> 00:15:10,982
When do I get to [bleep]
in anybody's mouth, huh?
362
00:15:10,985 --> 00:15:13,644
When do I get to [bleep]
in somebody's mouth?
363
00:15:13,684 --> 00:15:16,586
- Steven!
- Hon... I... No.
364
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:20,157
These guys... I can explain this.
I can explain this.
365
00:15:20,827 --> 00:15:21,626
You...
366
00:15:21,738 --> 00:15:23,372
Oh, you're disgusted?
367
00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:25,125
You... oh, now,
you're gonna leave?
368
00:15:25,199 --> 00:15:27,533
Oh, yeah.
That's great. Oh, yeah.
369
00:15:27,925 --> 00:15:30,427
Once again,
I'm the asshole.
370
00:15:36,071 --> 00:15:37,644
Good evening,
my fellow Americans.
371
00:15:38,165 --> 00:15:41,278
Now, as you know, sometimes
during the chaos
372
00:15:41,302 --> 00:15:42,784
of a presidential campaign,
373
00:15:42,878 --> 00:15:45,608
It's easy to forget the beauty
of the democratic process...
374
00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:46,552
This is it!
375
00:15:47,073 --> 00:15:48,388
Armageddon!
376
00:15:48,455 --> 00:15:51,131
I mean, y'all got to
vote for me, y'all, you have to!
377
00:15:51,188 --> 00:15:54,694
Or we gonna get banked over
by a bunch of bitch-ass billionaires!
378
00:15:57,221 --> 00:15:58,955
This is
my anger translator, Luther,
379
00:15:59,067 --> 00:16:01,336
Who... I thought
had the day off.
380
00:16:01,948 --> 00:16:03,771
What the [bleep] are you
doing here, Luther?
381
00:16:06,378 --> 00:16:08,879
Anyway,
I think that everybody
382
00:16:09,293 --> 00:16:11,461
needs to take a moment
to appreciate
383
00:16:11,702 --> 00:16:14,170
that our political system
truly works.
384
00:16:14,258 --> 00:16:17,721
Unless Romney wins,
and then the [bleep] is broke!
385
00:16:18,629 --> 00:16:21,416
And despite the heated
rhetoric of a campaign, there's
386
00:16:21,588 --> 00:16:24,059
always a place
for civil discourse.
387
00:16:24,082 --> 00:16:26,253
As long as you got a few
million dollars lying around
388
00:16:26,307 --> 00:16:28,341
so you can counteract
all the negative ads.
389
00:16:28,517 --> 00:16:30,106
Hey, Romney and Karl Rove
390
00:16:30,127 --> 00:16:33,311
and all you evil mother[bleep]
with your slimy-ass super PACs,
391
00:16:33,335 --> 00:16:36,071
Y'all done poked a hornet's nest
with a sugar stick.
392
00:16:36,109 --> 00:16:39,139
Y'all slapped Frankenstein
right in the bolts, man.
393
00:16:41,452 --> 00:16:42,453
Uhh!
394
00:16:43,143 --> 00:16:44,795
And you know what,
after I win this?
395
00:16:45,137 --> 00:16:46,879
I'm taking all y'all down.
396
00:16:47,665 --> 00:16:48,517
Thank you,
397
00:16:48,824 --> 00:16:50,963
And I'll see you all
on the campaign trail.
398
00:16:51,155 --> 00:16:53,021
And when you give me
your babies to kiss,
399
00:16:53,129 --> 00:16:55,330
please clean they diapers,
all right?
400
00:16:55,419 --> 00:16:57,319
'cause I ain't trying
to kiss no poop!
401
00:16:57,474 --> 00:16:59,281
Just wash they ass.
402
00:16:59,667 --> 00:17:01,737
You know,
just wash their ass.
403
00:17:02,488 --> 00:17:05,215
It's true.
You should wash their ass.
404
00:17:17,230 --> 00:17:20,642
How come in every
Stephen King book or movie...
405
00:17:20,687 --> 00:17:21,385
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
406
00:17:21,420 --> 00:17:23,851
a black person
has got to have special powers?
407
00:17:24,004 --> 00:17:25,780
Yeah,
Green Mile.
408
00:17:26,577 --> 00:17:27,491
And the mouse is alive.
409
00:17:27,493 --> 00:17:28,794
- Right.
- I mean, you know what I mean?
410
00:17:28,818 --> 00:17:30,719
Okay.
Tom Hanks' (bleep) works.
411
00:17:30,744 --> 00:17:31,982
- That's right.
- You know what I mean?
412
00:17:32,108 --> 00:17:32,902
It's just, like...
413
00:17:32,981 --> 00:17:34,557
Bees coming out
of this mother-[bleep] mouth.
414
00:17:34,586 --> 00:17:36,320
- Aah.
- I mean, you know what I mean?
415
00:17:36,354 --> 00:17:38,021
And in The Stand, the woman...
you know, she had...
416
00:17:38,075 --> 00:17:39,722
She was clairvoyant? Oh, yeah.
417
00:17:39,722 --> 00:17:41,597
Oh, Mama Abagail
gonna show you the way.
418
00:17:41,611 --> 00:17:43,786
- That's...oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
419
00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:46,166
- I want to go to Maine...
- Yes.
420
00:17:46,203 --> 00:17:47,866
So I can meet
all these magical black people.
421
00:17:47,871 --> 00:17:50,068
That is where magical
black people go to retire.
422
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:51,537
I-I...yeah, right...
oh, okay.
423
00:17:53,745 --> 00:17:56,355
So your office is
all the way down at the end.
424
00:17:56,626 --> 00:17:58,972
You have your own attached
bathroom, by the way.
425
00:17:59,551 --> 00:18:02,225
Oh, um, here's one
of our best researchers. Dick?
426
00:18:02,226 --> 00:18:04,878
- Hey.
- Ah, hello there.
427
00:18:06,366 --> 00:18:07,581
What's up, dude?
428
00:18:08,092 --> 00:18:11,598
Glad to see there's another brother
in this stuffy place.
429
00:18:11,619 --> 00:18:15,689
- So, uh, this is gonna be
your assistant, Genevieve.
430
00:18:15,757 --> 00:18:17,558
- Genevieve, I'm...
- What is this?
431
00:18:17,625 --> 00:18:19,598
It's the Shining, man.
432
00:18:19,870 --> 00:18:21,804
All black people
have the Shining.
433
00:18:21,939 --> 00:18:24,211
You never shined with
another black person before?
434
00:18:24,314 --> 00:18:27,373
No, I grew up in a white neighborhood
and then went to Dartmouth.
435
00:18:27,381 --> 00:18:30,207
I've met other black people before,
but not like this.
436
00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:33,554
You gotta get shined at
by another black person first,
437
00:18:33,622 --> 00:18:36,323
and then you get it.
It's kinda like Facebook.
438
00:18:39,049 --> 00:18:40,175
What up, dudes?
439
00:18:41,285 --> 00:18:44,270
So every black person has this?
Is Kobe listening?
440
00:18:44,287 --> 00:18:45,368
Yo, what up?
441
00:18:45,426 --> 00:18:46,960
Wow! Denzel Washington?
442
00:18:46,994 --> 00:18:50,269
I'm here, I'm present,
and I will always be around.
443
00:18:50,777 --> 00:18:53,570
- Lil' Jon?
- Yeah!
444
00:18:53,638 --> 00:18:56,097
Excuse me, Lil' Jon. Welcome, Ray.
445
00:18:56,608 --> 00:18:58,743
I'm glad to have you
on board.
446
00:18:58,844 --> 00:19:02,180
Oh, [bleep]!
What's up, Barack Obama?
447
00:19:03,826 --> 00:19:05,005
Ahem!
448
00:19:06,841 --> 00:19:09,443
Wouldn't that be something
if Barack Obama just showed up?
449
00:19:10,912 --> 00:19:13,194
Your start-up paperwork's
right over here.
450
00:19:14,733 --> 00:19:17,215
Man, you gotta be more careful.
451
00:19:17,391 --> 00:19:18,925
Learn to use the Shining.
452
00:19:19,129 --> 00:19:20,555
Tune in and out of it.
453
00:19:23,569 --> 00:19:25,452
And I'm sick of these
goddamn snakes...
454
00:19:25,452 --> 00:19:27,889
- Just give me the basketball!
- ...on this goddamn plane!
455
00:19:27,936 --> 00:19:30,204
Here, yo, Coco, what
you want to drink, girl?
456
00:19:30,304 --> 00:19:31,371
Leo, what are you doing?
457
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:33,539
Drink some colt 45 malt liquor.
458
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:36,365
Women dig chocolate!
459
00:19:36,802 --> 00:19:37,937
Is everything okay?
460
00:19:37,982 --> 00:19:41,195
Ray! Listen for Morgan.
461
00:19:41,940 --> 00:19:44,785
Morgan Freeman.
He will guide you.
462
00:19:44,868 --> 00:19:47,163
Listen to my voice, Ray.
463
00:19:47,713 --> 00:19:51,358
Now, just stay calm
and focus on that white man.
464
00:19:55,577 --> 00:19:58,664
Once you finish up this paperwork,
bring it to Jennifer in my office.
465
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,051
Now, pick up that letter opener,
466
00:20:04,936 --> 00:20:08,472
and kill
that white man.
467
00:20:11,906 --> 00:20:14,041
Have an amazing Halloween.
468
00:20:14,561 --> 00:20:16,640
- Uh, we are not going...
- ♪ Hee-ya! ♪
469
00:20:18,781 --> 00:20:20,248
♪ Oh, sham on! ♪
470
00:20:21,149 --> 00:20:24,818
- Don't encourage him.
- Shamone! Oh!
471
00:20:25,304 --> 00:20:26,738
Close to your face!
- No, don't.
472
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:28,441
We're not doing that.
473
00:20:29,190 --> 00:20:31,391
Sham on!
474
00:20:31,459 --> 00:20:34,568
Sham on! Sham on! Sham on!
Sham on! Sham on!
475
00:20:34,671 --> 00:20:36,426
Sham on!
476
00:20:36,494 --> 00:20:38,257
Ah! Ha!
477
00:20:41,388 --> 00:20:43,723
Close to your face!
- No! All right.
478
00:20:43,895 --> 00:20:45,228
Look at him,
he looks like...
479
00:20:45,296 --> 00:20:47,297
you look like Michael Jackson
after he got burnt
480
00:20:49,910 --> 00:20:51,578
- Good night,
everybody!
481
00:20:58,575 --> 00:21:01,054
♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪
482
00:21:01,554 --> 00:21:03,377
Oh, yeah!
36587
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