Original subtitles

Bro.

What?

Yeah. [bleep] yeah, bro.

- How awesome is this? - It's cool.

[bleep] yeah, it is.

Hit it. Hit it. Hit it. Hit it. Yeah.

Dude... Synchronize. Synchronize.

Yeah, there it is. Now we're doing it.

Now we're doing it. Now we're doing it.

♪ Doing it with my bro Doing it with my bro ♪

♪ I love every second Of doing it with my bro ♪

- It's... It's pretty awesome. - Can you believe it?

Can you just...?

Yo. Yo. Right there, man. Just give me five, man.

Give me five, bro.

Come on, that's [bleep] pussy[bleep]. Come on.

Come on.

- Oh, you're with me now. - You know...

- You are with me now. - That's disturbing.

Keep 'em locked. Keep 'em locked.

- Mm-mm. - Give it back

Get your... Get...

Aah! Oh!

Dude ! How we gonna break the world record

if you can't keep it up?

Lock it.

Keep it locked. Keep it locked.

- Ew! Shame on you! - Shame on you!

- Shame on all of you! - Shame on you!

Thanks and welcome to the show I am Keegan-Michael Key.

- I am Jordan Peele. - And we are Key and Peele.

So thank you for coming.

I see race in just about... in everything.

- Mm-hm. - Like, I just... I just do that.

Like, if somebody asks, "You want cream in your coffee?" "Why?"

- Yeah. Yeah. - "Why, mother[bleep]? Why would I?"

You ever have a white dude come up to you talking about,

"Hey, man, dude, I know.

"King Kong? That [bleep] is racist."

- Have you had this? - I've had that.

Dude, I was like, "What? Is it racist? I don't even think..."

He's like, "Think about it, man. It's a bunch of white dudes

that go to an island, all these aborigines..."

- I'm like, "Okay." - All right, I'm with you so far, yeah.

"Then a big black gorilla comes

"and starts [bleep] around with white girls in New York."

"Whoa! What the [bleep]?

"That's your [bleep], man! What?

"You're racist, bitch! What the..."

Hey, all I know is it's good having another brother

- move into the neighborhood. - Hey man, it's good to have you over.

And I think that you will dig this.

All right!

- Hey! - Huh?

- Nice guitar collection. - Oh, thanks, man.

- Hey, you wanna hear something? - Yeah, sure.

All right, all right. All right, let's get this started.

Let's get this started.

♪ Well, I'm just a good old American boy ♪

♪ With a heart that's red, white, and true ♪

♪ I'm dreamin' of a girl with the red hair and freckles ♪

♪ And her eyes like the skies of blue ♪

- Country music. - Yeah, I grew up in Texas.

- You know, so... - All right.

♪ Keep her safe from the homies in the wrong side of town ♪

♪ 'cause that's the American way ♪

- Woo-hoo! - Whoas.

Pretty racist song.

Racist? Against who?

- Black people. - Black people? But I'm black.

Well, "keeping the redheaded girl away from the homies

- "on the wrong side of town"? - "Homies"?

Come on, brother. There's all kinds of homies.

You know, white homies, Asian homies...

No, homies are black.

No, I think you're making them black. I think that's your stuff.

You hear the twang, and then you assume that it's racist.

But that's just what country music is like.

Hey, look, you're gonna love this one. You'll like this one.

All right.

♪ Some folks wear their hats way off to the side ♪

♪ With their pants down low and a gun tucked inside ♪

♪ Take their beer by the 40 and their chicken deep-fried ♪

♪ I think we all know who we're talking about ♪

♪ The only dark I like is when I turn off the lights ♪

♪ The only hood I love is pointy and white ♪

♪ Can't trust you if I can't see your face at night ♪

♪ I think we all know who we're talking about ♪

All right, wait. Hey! Stop that. That's racist.

What's what? What is racist about it?

"The only hood I love is pointy and white"?

- Yeah, man. - That's talking about the Klan, man.

The Ku Klux Klan? Are you outside of your mind?

That's traditional country music imagery, man.

Like a pick-up truck, or sleeping under the stars,

or your dog got killed, or your wife left you. Same thing!

I would have been fine with any of those things.

What is the difference between those things and what is in the song?

They're not racial.

Hey, you know what? Can I just say something, man. I'm just gonna be frank.

You're getting a little, like, Al Sharpton, like...

- Oh, my... - Farrakhan on me right now.

Oh, my God. Are you serious?

Yo, dude, dude, please. Hey, can I do one more?

Let me just do one more, dog.

I absolutely promise you that this song

is not racist,

and it's impossible for you to misinterpret it as such.

Okay, it seems like you're about to sing the most racist song so far.

I'm not.

♪ Hidey-lidey-lidey-lidey-lee ♪

♪ Get me a rope and find me a tree ♪

Okay, I'm out.

Come on, man. Hey! Shoot.

I'm over here trying to sing about a tire swing.

Gonna write off an entire genre of music.

(playing guitar)

♪ The banjos are strumming, and the drums are a-bangin' ♪

♪ Let's get the boys together and have ourselves a hangin' ♪

Oh, damn.

Now I see it. Now I see it.

Good evening, my fellow Americans.

With me, as always, is my anger translator, Luther.

- Hi. - Now, after the last debate,

I was criticized for... not showing enough emotion.

I should've been on that stage! Oh, my God! Mitt!

If I was a Siberian tiger, your ass would've been Roy!

Str-r-aight up!

I was faulted for a lack of

"pithy retorts" or "zingers."

But we can do better than that.

Witty responses are not going to resolve this nation's deficit.

How you gonna fire Sesame Street?

One of these mother[bleep] already lives in a trash can! Zing!

And a one-liner is not going to solve

the problems we have with our tax code,

which my opponent seems to have entirely changed his position on.

This mother[bleep] gets more reboots than Spider-Man!

And boom, goes the dynamite.

I look forward to a debate based on substance,

- not on zingers. - I got a Mormon zinger!

"Take my wives, please!"

Ooh-ho-ho, [bleep]! I said "wives."

Thank you, and good night.

This message brought to you by the letter "Suck my"

and the number "[bleep]."

Ohh!

Snap, America.

Snap, indeed.

All right, he knows I won't get dogs because it's basically like, it's like

- buying a new grandparent. - Mm-hm.

You know, you have to... you gotta feed them, you gotta take 'em on walks.

They will look at you in the eyes while they're pooping.

- I'm with you. - They drool, you know.

[bleep] forgetful as [bleep].

All my dogs are shelter dogs because purebread dogs

are stupid.

Yeah?

When you mix them, you get a thing that's commonly known as hybrid vigor.

And what happens is all the best qualities of both dogs

go into the one dog. Much like interracial people.

Representing hybrid vigor.

That should be our rap group right there.

We should be "Hybrid Vigor."

Hybrid vigor from a couple of hybrid [bleep].

Let's get hard.

- Hey, babe. - Hi.

Um, I made a really big decision without consulting you.

I went by a puppy rescue stand

on University Avenue.

I had to. I had to.

- You got us a dog? - Yeah, I did.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

So, honey, I've gotta tell you something, okay?

These rescue dogs have had some tough situations.

- Oh. - And a lot of them take on

the personality of their owners.

was owned by rapper Ice-T.

- All right, little buddy, come on out. - Aww.

Oh, hello, my little darling. Oh!

Man, [bleep] you. You, thuck my [bleep].

Thith house ain't [bleep].

Okay, buddy, take it easy.

- A little testy. - [bleep] you, [bleep].

Nothin' ever been eathy for me in my life.

Now, hook me up with a treat.

- You want a treat, buddy? - You want a treat?

Is that what you want? Here we go, sweetie. Here we go.

Mm, yeah, that's a tathty-ass treat right there.

- Now give me the whole bag. - Okay, one treat is enough.

Bitch, was I talking to you?

Give me the whole bag of treats 'cause I'm a treat killer

and a mother[bleep] handful.

- Somebody's grumpy today. - Grumpy-wumpy.

Lay my ass right up on this comfortable-ass thofa.

(laughs) I'm gonna sleep on this bitch too, as a matter of fact.

And you know what, mother[bleep] and bitch?

- I'm gonna pith and [bip] up here too. - No! Oh, no! No, no, no!

[bleep] you, man. Raise your hand at me.

Okay, um, I've got something for you, little guy.

Huh? Huh? You wanna play fetch? You wanna play fetch? You like fetch, huh?

- Get that ball. - [bleep] you!

Both y'all condescending mother[bleep]

I ain't your entertainment, bitch. So [bleep] you!

- Oh! - Get the door, okay?

Well, hello. Who is this?

Come on, Coco, don't worry about these mother[bleep].

That'th my bitch Coco.

Oh, I forgot to tell y'all, she's gonna be living here too.

Wow, okay, you got your little friend here.

- Yeah... - Yeah, well you can...

She can play here for a while, sure.

- Puppy play date. - Yeah.

Play date? We gonna have a [bleep] date.

That's what we gonna have, bitch.

Come here, bitch. (sniffing)

- Oh, are you... - That's right

Oh, no, don't do that.

- Yeah, that's my shih tzu. - Oh, dear.

Get the [bleep] out of here. It's about to get graphic in this bitch!

- Oh boy. - How come you don't do that with me?

- Honey, I told you. - He does it.

I just want to keep this area clean.

♪ Baby, baby ♪

♪ it looks like we're back together ♪

♪ And it's like nothing had ever ♪

♪ Torn us apart ♪

♪ Honey, honey ♪

♪ We'll let bygones be bygones ♪

♪ Gonna have a fresh start ♪

♪ So tonight I'm gonna hit that ♪

♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit that hit that ♪

♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit that hit that hit that♪

♪ And don't try to fight back ♪

♪ Your feelings ♪

♪ Sugar, sugar ♪

♪ Just get into my car ♪

♪ And I'll take you so far ♪

♪ From where anyone can see ♪

♪ Lover, lover ♪

♪ Let's just walk and take it slow ♪

♪ In crowded places so they'll know ♪

♪ That you're back with me ♪

♪ So tonight I'm gonna hit that ♪

♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit that hit that ♪

♪ Tonight I'm gonna hit ♪

I'm sorry. It was an involutory reaction.

We grew up in this area where...

Okay, there was blaxploitation in the '70s,

and then when I was growing up it got into this zone where,

like, all of a sudden, the black guy wasn't the cool guy

- in the action movie anymore. - Oh right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All of a sudden it was, like, Mel Gibson was the [bleep] cool one.

Right.

And Danny Glover had to be like, you know...

The fuddy-duddy family man, like "Get away from my daughter."

- Right. - You know what I mean?

Do you remember that Lethal Weapon?

My man Mel Gibson would come in on Danny Glover

and my man would be standing in the middle of the bathroom

just embarrassing all black people.

That's right.

Rodge, Rodge, what's going on?

Stay there. Stay there.

Okay, I'm not coming in, Rodge. What's going on?

Riggs, there's a bomb

on my [bleep].

Gmail is what I'm on now. That's the uh...

Okay, you get the most space for attachments.

- Anyway. - Thank you.

Feel free to hit me up if you remember that number

I noticed you ain't write that down.

Damn, damn, damn. That girl was fly, right?

She all right.

But did you see that Liam Neesons movie with them wolves, though?

The one with them big-assed wolves and Liam Neesons in it?

Man, Liam Neesons is my [bleep]!

Oh, Liam Neesons straight jacked up them wolves, man.

Man, he [bleep] them wolves up, man.

- Yeah. - Shoot, man.

Hey, and don't get even get me started on that one

where they took his daughter.

Straight Tooken, starring Liam Neesons!

Man, Liam Neesons on the phone like, "I have a certain set of skills."

Man, don't [bleep] with Liam Neesons!

No, don't even try and be Russian around Liam Neesons.

- He'll take your arm and... - Put some fractures in it.

They killing him, man. And then...

Oh, you see the second one, though?

In the second one, the Russians come after him.

And he [bleeps] them all up anyway.

Tooken 2, starring the incomparable Liam Neesons.

- Mm-hm. - That's my [bleep].

- What about Darkman, though? - No, uh.

What about Liam Neesons in some Darkman, though?

- No, man. [bleep]. - What about Darkman?

When Liam Neesons' face was changing up, man?

Homie was straight face-changing.

Now that's just Liam Neesons acting right there, man.

Straight up, I kid you not. Academy-Award caliber. Classic Neesons.

Man, come on, seriously. I mean, like, Neesons already need to have a statue.

- Liam Neesons ain't got no... - He ain't got no statue...

He ain't got a statue. He ain't got a statue.

No, no, no.

The Oscar goes to Liam Neesons, Darkman.

- [bleep] face was changing. - Mm-hm. Word!

- How hard is that. - It ain't hard. It's not hard at all.

- Damn! - It's stupid, man.

Oh, oh! Battleship.

Oooh!

Bat-tle-ship.

Oooh!

- Battleship! - Oooh! Whoo!

Liam Neesons straight killer a robot boat!

Liam Neesons is my shiz-nit!

Whoo!

But do you know who I like as much as Neesons, though?

As much as Neesons? Who?

Bruce Willy.

Bruce Willy is my [bleep]!

But what if they made a movie with Liam Neesons and Bruce Willy?

- Neesons and Willy? - Willy and Neesons.

Harder, man. Harder!

That would be...

My sheeeeeeeee...

- I don't know why. - Oh, man.

Why do we love Liam Neeson so much?

Yo, you know what you gotta... [bleep] Schindler's List, mother[bleep],

Hey man, hey man. Can I tell you what's off the hook, though, dog?

Ethan Frome, that's my jam right there.

You ain't gone to the movies unless you've seen Husbands and Wives.

[bleep] Woody Allen, mother[bleep]. Woody Allen.

So, Steve Jobs. this is like, the...

We're right aroung the year anniversary of his death.

- Mm-hm. - Pioneer. Technological pioneer.

- Can we agree on that? - Yes.

Anybody lose their [bleep] iPad? You lost it?

- I did. - Where did you lose it?

Oakland, California.

- Oh, in Oakland. - In Oakland. Okay.

Oh, so you're never getting it back then.

That's out of the question.

My friend, you didn't lose it. Your ass got jacked, my friend.

That's right.

Mr. Cook, you're almost up. Are you ready?

- Good. I'm good. - Okay.

Really gonna need you to stick to the script on this one.

I'm the C.E.O. of Apple, Willis. I'm not gonna do anything stupid.

Please stop comparing me to Steve Jobs!

No, but nobody's comparing you to Steve Jobs, okay?

We just want you to focus on the products.

And please stick to the script. Okay.

You're on in three...

They're gonna forget they ever heard the name "Steve Jobs".

What up, Apple people?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Well, now, the first thing that I'm gonna do

is T.O.T.S.

"Throw Out The Script."

Now, I'm supposed to come out here

and tell you about some bull[bleep] new iPhone,

pad, dick, pussy [bleep]!

You've seen it!

Boring!

Yes! That's exactly it.

Now, let's just say this table right here...

Let's say it's Bill Gates, huh?!

Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about.

And let's say that this

is our competitor's new smartphone.

How about that? Huh? What?

I am a major donkey dick.

Whoo! Right?

- And let's say that this right here... - Hey!

this is one of our competitor's

new e-book reader, huh?

What about that? What? Uh-oh.

Tut-tut. Wook's wike wain!

Haaaa!

Whoo! Whoo!

Yeah!

All right!

Yes!

Who wants to see some of that classified next-level [bleep]? Huh?

Did Steve ever show you that classified [bleep]?

No, he didn't.

You can't do that. They haven't been tested yet.

This device will allow you to teleport anywhere

on the planet. Check this out!

I am the Future!

Whoo!

Let's see Steve Jobs do that!

- Good night, everybody. - Good night.

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah!