Original subtitles

The one who plays Jamie is not English.

He's not.

I don't know what nationality he is, but he's definitely not English.

That's amazing.

Whoa!

Come on, Max, no. Bad dog, bad.

I'm so sorry. I just rescued him from a shelter.

He seems to get really aggressive towards people

With darker-colored skin. I'm so sorry.

Don't worry about it.

Yeah, I guess you never know what they've been through

before you get them.

Yeah, we don't think that your dog's racist.

Whoo!

Welcome!

Oh, my God. Thank you so much for coming out.

- I am Keegan-Michael Key. - I am Jordan Peele.

And we are Key and Peele.

So thank you.

Um...

That...that, uh... just if you were wondering,

- That was a racist dog. - Actual racist dog.

The dog was actually racist.

Came to the set with its own [bleep] hood.

Yes. He just... he slipped right into it.

- It was crazy. - I wanted to say to that dog so bad

like, "you know you have brown spots on you?

"You know that? You know that?"

It was weird. He came... He was Method, you know,

He [bleep] pissed on my leg immediately.

I'm telling you...

He thought I was trying to steal his bone.

Yeah, it was...

But it was... That Jack Russell was actually the dog from The Artist.

- Mm-hmm, that's right. - So, he's the most famous racist dog.

He's the Mel Gibson of dogs. That's who he was.

That's right. That's right.

Do you guys know dubstep music?

Yeah.

So dubstep music is... Is it music?

You did blow my mind, because I thought I was listening to a song,

And then an alien communiqué took place in the middle of the song.

If you don't know what dubstep is, it's like this.

It always... It starts off, and it's like,

♪ ba na na na wha na na na na na na ♪

And then a [bleep]... a dubstep fan will always go,

"Dude, [bleep] wait for it."

- You can't rap to dubstep. - You can't. No, you can't.

♪ I'm the mother[bleep] from the... ♪

♪ uh buh buh buh ♪

♪ I'm the mother[bleep] on the street ♪

So I have finished the kitchen.

I have finished my bedroom. I have finished the office.

And I'm just wrapping up the living room.

- Okay. - So yeah.

- I'll get pack-a-lackin'. - I love it. I love it.

- Mind if I put on some music? - I do not. I do not.

All right. I got this new dubstep.

Uh, dubste... What is that? I don't know what that is.

- Oh, dude, you're gonna love it. - Oh, cool. Cool, man.

Ooh, I like this.

- Wait for the drop. - I'm sorry, "the drop"?

- What is happening? - What?

- What is this? - I can't hear you!

- What is that? - The music?

- I'm sorry, is that music? - Oh, yeah.

Dude, that's the dubstep, man. That's my jam.

Well, it's... it's a little, uh, loud and disorienting.

And, you know, you're being a little rough with my things.

Rough with...? Dude, your stuff is fine.

- Why am I sweating so much? - Because you're feelin' it.

- Is that a good thing? - Yes!

Come on, man. Just give it another shot.

Okay. Okay. I will.

Whoa, dude! You're totally jacking my flow up.

Dude, your nose is bleeding, and so is mine.

Awesome.

It doesn't really seem like music to me.

Okay. Wow. Wally getting a little bit old.

No, don't do that. Come on.

No. Didn't realize that. Okay.

Um, yeah, what would you rather listen to?

I can hook you up with some Hootie & The Blowfish, if that's your...

- Oh, that's funny. - Is that good?

Want some Color Me Badd?

You know what? Go ahead. I don't care. I see what you're doing.

Go ahead and play it. I don't care. Because I'm not that old.

I can get into it, okay? Let's just get this stuff packed. Play it!

- I think I'm getting it! - Yeah!

Ha, ha!

Free at last, free at last,

thank God Almighty, we are free at last.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your next speaker,

the Reverend Robert Jones.

How am I s'posed to follow that?

I can't. Nobody can follow that.

How am I s...

I can, uh...

Oh.

All right.

Good afternoon. Um...

That... that is the...

The best speech I've ever heard in my entire life.

Ever. I have never heard a better speech.

And now, it is my turn to speak.

Huh.

Who put this running order together, right?

You know, um, Dr. King, uh,

he... he actually covered a lot... a lot of what I was gonna say.

Um, you know, my... my speech is, uh, uh...

You gonna find this funny, y'all.

My speech was actually called, uh, "A Vision for the Future."

I'm not saying that Dr. King copied my speech.

I'm...

No! No! No, I'm... I'm... I'm saying I'm not saying that.

I'm not saying he tried to copy it.

You... Why don't y'all listen to what I'm s...

Wow. You know what?

No, come on!

I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. It's a joke.

Did I not say it like a joke?

Ok...

No?

Apparently, I have six more minutes.

Hi, everybody, I'm Dave Stassen alongside Geoff Worthing.

And welcome to the annual East/West bowl,

as we get ready to watch some of the best college players in the nation

Showcase their skills in a classic showdown

between East and West.

And there really are some characters

on this year's squads, aren't there, Geoff?

That's right, Dave. It does seem

It does seem like the most flamboyant personalities

came to the forefront, and they are here.

Let's meet the players from the East.

D'Marcus Williums, University of Georgia.

T.J. Juckson, Wayne State University.

T'Variusness King, Merrimack College.

Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace, University of Miami.

D'Squarius Green, Jr., University of Notre-Dame.

Ibrahim Moizoos, University of Tennessee at Chattanooga

Jackmerius Tacktheritrix, Michigan State University.

D'Isiah T. Billings-Clyde, Coastal Carolina University.

[lisping] D'Jathper Probincrux the Third,

Thouth Carolina Thtate Univerthity.

Leoz Maxwell Jilliumz,

East Carolina University.

Javaris Jamar Javarison-Lamar,

University of Middle Tennessee.

Davoin Shower-Handel,

University of Southern Mississippi.

Hingle McCringleberry, Penn State University.

L'Carpetron Dookmarriot,

Florida Atlantic University.

J'Dinkalage Morgoone, University of South Florida.

Xmus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon,

California University of Pennsylvania.

We're going to be looking for big plays all game long

from Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace.

And let's not forget the tight ends,

Ibrahim Moizoos and Hingle McCringleberry.

- They've both had amazing seasons. - That's right, Geoff.

Now let's meet the players from the west.

Saggitariutt Jefferspin, Texas A & M.

D'Glester Hardunkichud, University of Wisconsin.

Swirvithan L'Goodling-Splatt, Saskatchewan University.

Quatro Quatro, San Jose State University.

Ozamataz Buckshank, Stanford University.

Beezer Twelve Washingbeard, Jones College.

Shakiraquan T.G.I.F. Carter,

University of Northern Arizona.

X-wing @aliciousness,

Missouri Western State University.

Sequester Grundelplith, M.D., Adams State.

Scoish Velociraptor Maloish,

South Dakota State University.

T.J. A.J. R.J. Backslashinfourth the Fifth,

Albion College.

San Diego State University.

Donkey Teeth, Boise State University.

Torque...

Lewith, Nevada State...

Penitentiary.

The player formerly known as mousecop,

University of Missouri, Columbia.

Dan Smith, B.Y.U.

There's nothing... Hey... It... Here's the thing.

- We had to do something... - Yes, we had to.

Because there's an offensive lineman for the New York Jets...

My man's name is... D'brickashaw Ferguson.

That is his real name.

His mama named him D'Brickashaw Ferguson.

Someone asked her, "Where'd his name come from, ma'am?"

And she said, "it's a family name." Bitch, it ain't no family name.

That is not a family name!

We ain't talking about the "Ferguson." We talkin' about "D'Brickashaw," bitch!

- Where you get that? - D'Brickashaw.

There's, like, three different nouns in your son's first name.

- Come on! - Come on, now.

Just threw letters in a bucket, and just went...

-Leodis McKelvin. - Leodis McKelvin.

What are we, in Middle Earth? Who is this?

I knew a girl... I knew... Well, I didn't know... I didn't know her,

but I knew about a girl who went to a school back home.

My girl's name was spelled L-hyphen-A. "La-dash-A."

- Mm. Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.

Let's see here. Red... Red hills of Georgia.

He, uh, got that out there.

Okay, you know what?

All right, here... Here's something... Here's something new.

Here's something brand new.

How... Okay, this is off, me talking off the top of my head

here, everybody. Uh, what...

How about if we let, uh, black people enslave

white people for...

Okay, you know, that sounded a lot better in my head before I said it.

So that, uh, that wouldn't work.

Is it warm? Is anybody else warm?

Whoo!

I, uh, I vacuumed my carpet the other day.

A [bleep] ounce of weed came out of this mother[bleep].

I have gotten high walking into your home.

- Yes. - Simply on the...

I just... I walk into his apartment. I go straight to the refrigerator.

- I just... - That's right.

Nah, nah, we're just kidding. Just kidding. We didnt...

Just kidding... I didn't vacuum my apartment at all.

Wouldn't do it. Would never do that.

Would never waste that kind of good product...

On the floor. I could just be...

You have saved a lot of money not buying vacuum cleaners in your life.

I'll just be sitting, watching T.V, talking about, "Yeah, yeah."

- [laughs]

Carpet. That [bleep]'s just carpet.

- This weed is mad tight, yo. - Yeah, man, I'm super high, Dog.

Ah.

Hey, yo.

Let me "ax" you a question on the real.

Yeah, yeah, Dog. Yeah, go ahead, man.

Hey, man, where my dookie go?

Oh.

- What? - My dookie.

Where do it go?

It go down in the toilet, [bleep], you know that.

Nah, man. I ain't stupid.

Where do it go after that?

Come on, man, quit playing. I don't know.

It... it goes down the sewer, you know.

Everybody's go down there?

Yeah, everybody's dookie goes down in the sewer.

Where my dookie go after that?

It washes out to the ocean.

I guess.

Hold up, hold up.

Dolphins swim with my dookie?

I don't know, man. I mean, I don't... I really don't know.

- We're in the ocean... - Yep.

What happens to the dookie?

I'm just taking a stab at... like a wild guess, all right,

that the dookie, like, probably go up in the air

and, like, evaporates and then turns into a cloud or some [bleep].

- A dookie cloud. - Oh, this [bleep].

- Everybody's dookie mix up,

goes up into a cloud, and then it rains down.

That's gangsta.

I just... Can we stop talking about dookie right now?

I just thought of something.

Yes? What is it? What is it, Levi?

The pieces of my dookie...

- Yep? - ...falls on the ground...

- That's true, yep.

...and becomes a plant.

Okay, okay, that's good. Now, we're done with the dookie talk, right?

- A dookie plant... - No.

...that reaches towards the sky.

Ahh.

- Hey, Sed. - Yeah, Levi?

Maybe if my dookie can make it out of the hood...

Maybe we can too.

Huh.

Maybe.

Maybe, Levi.

Okay, okay, okay.

Here's what we gonna do. Here's what we gonna do.

All right, Dr. King talked about, um, uh,

all the races coming together, right? Right?

So what I want every negro to do here today

is find the nearest white person and give 'em a hug.

Just... just give 'em a hug, okay?

No, sir, you're not being attacked.

You're not being attacked. You're being hugged, okay?

Everybody take it easy here, okay? Everybody relax.

You know what? We don't need 10 negroes hugging one white person, okay?

Let's just... let's... You know, that's the new rule.

Not ten on one. One on one.

So we'll just take turns and everything, okay?

So everybody relax, okay? [crowd shouting]

Oh, my Goodness. Sir, she doesn't need to be defended.

She doesn't need to be defended. She's okay. She's okay, okay?

All right, ma'am... okay...

Officer, is that necessary?

I don't think that's necessary, officer.

Everyone take it easy, all right?

They're just hugs. You're not being attacked.

Sometimes it's very difficult to get black people,

especially black men, to laugh.

They are begrudging laughers.

Black dudes be... Look... they'll be looking at us like,

"Nah, see, nah, this ain't gonna be funny. This ain't gonna be funny."

- We'll do something stupid... - ...that really crack 'em up.

These mother[bleep]s go, "Psh, you stupid."

"This is stupid."

"You bein' stupid. You bein' stupid."

"Nah, man."

"Y'all bein' stupid right now."

"nah, that's stupid, man. Nah."

- "I ain't laughing." - "Y'all stupid."

- "I ain't laughing." - "This thing is stupid."

"Nah, nah, that ain't funny. I ain't laughing at [bleep]."

- "Dog, that's stupid." - "Nah, nah."

- "That's stupid!" - "That's stupid as Hell.

"That's stupid as Hell. No, no, no.

"No, these [bleep]s retarded. These [bleep]s retarded."

I think sisters are actually harder.

Sisters talk about, "[bleep], ain't my job to laugh. It's your job to..."

"make me laugh."

White people laugh a certain way, which is, like, too hard.

- Too hard, yeah. - Just too hard.

It's a little too earnest, yes, yeah. It's a little onomatopoetic.

We do not need to be able to spell your laughter.

- We don't want to. - Please don't do that.

"Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho." Don't do it.

Yeah, we... we don't need you to be laughing like,

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

No [bleep] Mitt Romney laughter here tonight.

- Good evening, my fellow Americans.

Now, first off, I would like to once again introduce

my anger translator, Luther.

Hi!

Now, in the spirit of democracy, I would like to take a moment

to address my opponent, Mitt Romney.

Ooh, I been waiting for this.

Oh, boy, I been waiting for this.

Wassup, Mitt? Ta-tai!

Governor Romney and I have different ideas

on how to best help the American people.

I saved the auto industry.

You wanna give tax breaks to millionaires.

I killed osama bin laden,

And you strapped a dog to the top of your car.

Now, let's see. Who's better for the country?

I look forward to a fruitful and healthy debate

On the affordable care act.

And since you already did it in Massachusetts,

It's gonna be real interesting to watch your flip-floppin' ass

argue me on that [bleep] now! Sa-si-san!

But I also look forward to other ways to articulate our differences.

I'm like the mother[bleep] love child

of the Old Spice guy and the Dos Equis dude,

and you are literally

the boringest, whitest man alive today.

I know that we will conduct professional campaigns,

That we will be respectful to one another's personal lives,

families, and religion.

Oh, man, come on.

I still gotta explain to half the country that I'm not a Muslim,

But it's still off limits to talk about

your mormon ass wearing magic underwear

and believing Jesus came down and did some [bleep] in Pennsylvania?

- All right now, Luther. - I mean, come on, man!

I mean, this is some craziness!

- Luther! - This be..yes.

Luther, Pennsylvania is a swing state. Let's take it down a notch.

Yeah, okay. Come on, Luther.

Man, why you always gotta cross the line, man?

I believe the American people will see

that I've made their lives better in the past four years.

Americans would all be riding these if I hadn't saved the auto industry.

I'm also confident that the American people

will make the choice that will best help them

and best help our path to the future.

Y'all know I'm winning this [bleep]!

- Thank you, and good night.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

I love it. I love playing Luther.

- You do, huh? - It's my favorite part.

Well, any excuse you can get to... to...

Yeah, I get to use one of those... Oh, swa!

Nope, um, just almost ripped my taint.

- Okay. Thank you guys. - Thank you very much.

- You have a good night. - Thanks for coming out.

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah.