Original subtitles

Now the boys in school.

Wait and see.

After striving his whole life to return to Olympus, Hercules turned down

immortality in favor of a mortal life on Earth with a woman he loved, Megara.

Uh, Bobby, baby, aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself?

Our show is about Hercules in his teenage years.

Bear with me, ladies, please.

Just this once.

All right, Bob, but there better be some teen shenanigans in this.

Yes, yes, we'll be getting jiggy with the boy, I assure you.

Hercules and Megara lived happily ever after.

But what happens after ever after?

Well, they settled down in Thebes.

Actually, it was a suburb of Thebes.

Thebes proper was no place to raise a family.

Oh, yeah, that one goes up there with the others.

You know what? Allow me.

Ah, there.

Gee, that's real subtle.

Oh, yeah, you like it? I thought we could use some of my hero mementos to,

know, decorate the place.

Herc, you've managed to erect a hero monument in every room.

I'm sorry, honey. I just, you know, want you to be proud of me.

You big ox, I don't need statues to remind me how great you are.

I've got the real thing.

Where y 'all want this one?

What?

Huh. What is this stuff? It says Prometheus Academy.

Oh, no!

Hermes!

Yo, babe. Take us back to Phil's Island, will ya?

Hey, isn't this... Now!

Ooh, touchy.

Upsilon Hall at Moving Company won't be held responsible for any items lost due

to divine intervention.

Oh, yeah, no problem. That's great.

Ah, well, let's get back to... Not so fast, bicep boy. What's in the jar?

In the jar? Nothing. Fine. I'll just catch up with Hermes and see for myself.

No, no, wait.

I'll tell you. It's just filled with some dumb stuff from high school.

That's all. High school?

I have got to. Oh, no, no. No, no. I mean, we got so much left unpacked. So,

know, let's forget all about the high school stuff and get back to work.

You know, hon?

What are you hiding, wonder boy?

Hey, Meg, I'm going to need your opinion here.

Oh, come on.

You're not mad just because I wouldn't let you look at that stupid urn.

Chuck is back! No, she wouldn't. She couldn't.

She did.

Tell me you're not taking the scenic route.

Looking for something, sister?

When Hermes showed up with this, I figured you wouldn't be far behind.

Score one for the satyr.

I don't get it, Phil. What's the big secret?

Well, high school wasn't exactly the most graceful period of Herc's life.

He's kind of embarrassed about it.

Oh, how bad could it have been?

Bad.

Hey,

it was a one -man hurricane.

Aha, here it is, the Prometheus Academy yearbook.

Now let's see, Hercules, Hercules.

Hey, give the kid a break.

They took that on his first day of school.

So, Phil, what was it like raising a wonder boy?

What was it like?

Sister first got off easy compared to me.

Oh, come on. Herc's been a boy scout his whole life.

He couldn't have been that much trouble.

Well, as I remember it... Now young Herc, as a teen, was a lot like the

rest. With a heroic dream and no hair on his chest.

He was working with Phil on his physical best. When his dad

intervened with a simple request.

Child, what did he say?

You've got to send my boy, send my boy, send my boy. You've got to send my boy

to school.

We'll be right

back.

Hermes. Hermes, my paper. Now.

Today's pop story. The fabulous Prometheus Academy welcomes the oh -so

-happening Hercules.

Really? Let me see.

Didn't make the valley edition.

But on Mount Olympus, all the gods and goddesses are, like, hyped, man.

Ah, breakfast.

Most important meal of the day.

Aye, aye, aye. Got the banana.

Ben.

Hey.

Hey, you're not nervous, are you? No.

Don't think so.

Should I be? Nice work, wingtips.

Kid, the first day of school is just like any other. But what if nobody likes

me? Boy, this is one of those peer pressure teen angst crises.

Herg, two words.

Relax.

By the way, did I mention that the school barge was waiting when I got

No way! I can't be late for my first day.

Wait up!

Huh?

What?

Where's our new student?

I am parentheses, your guidance counselor. This is your student ID. It

that you are a student at Prometheus Academy, the most prestigious school in

Greece. And it's 10 drachma to replace if lost or stolen.

It won't leave my sight, sir.

Here's your campus map, recently revised.

Cafeteria menu, I like the mutton. And your locker number, memorize and

XI, XI, huh.

X -Eye.

No, no, not this one.

This is Pandora's locker. She's got some issues.

Sorry, I'm new. Okay, obvious.

I'm Icarus.

Hercules. Call me Herc. Herc.

As the newbie, you need a guy that's plugged in. Someone who can put you at

epicenter of the Academy's chic Greek elite.

Thanks. That'd be great.

Yeah, wouldn't it?

I'm not that guy.

Honey, we're scarier than giving Medusa a makeover.

Girl, the first day in a new school.

Showing facts and figures.

Praying for three.

Give them all the tools and learning skills you'll need to succeed.

As a shiny team told you, you've got to send my boy.

He's my pride and joy. You've got to send my boy to you.

I had no idea high school would be so tough.

Well, take heart, my new friend. For it is lunchtime.

A respite from academic adversity.

Welcome to the cafeteria.

Bad food in large quantities.

Goat milk.

Sorry, Ajax, he's the new guy.

Herc, try not to act like the new guy.

You got it, Dicker.

Good example.

This is the kind of thing that can get you labeled for life. Something like

corneadopia or herky -jerky with a fruity booze. Okay, okay, I get the

Well, I'm just saying, kids can be cruel.

Thanks, Dickie.

Some more than others. He can't do that.

There you go. Acting new again.

Why should we let him get away with that? Because he's Adonis. He's a

Mm -hmm. If you want to survive high school, you got to know the score.

the score?

We're losing.

You and me.

Lose us.

This is Cassandra.

She is sweeter than ambrosia, and she is all mine.

Icarus. Yeah, baby.

The hands.

Move them or lose them.

Our relationship is in flux.

Honey, I want you to meet Hercules. This is his first day here, so make him feel

welcome while I go back for firsts.

Nice to meet you, Cassandra.

I doubt it, but it's polite of you to say so.

Icarus is a great guy. Is he your boyfriend?

Try Stalker.

Stalker? He thinks he's my boyfriend.

He flew too close to the sun.

Oh, he's that Icarus? I wondered about his hair.

It goes deeper, like to his brain.

Well, he's, uh, happy. Happy is good, right?

Not for everybody. On the other hand, living in a deluded fantasy is probably

the only way to survive this underworld on Earth.

Yeah.

What? High school.

Oh, oh, I gotcha. The underworld thing was a metaphor, right? Right, we covered

that in epic poetry class today.

I should know this stuff.

Cassandra, are you okay?

Whoa, did I miss it? What? A Cassandra vision.

Watch.

Vision? She sees horrible stuff that's going to happen in the future. It is her

curse. One of the many things I find irresistible about her.

I see disaster in the cafeteria.

The roof is falling.

I see the new guy. I see the roof falling.

I'm the new guy.

That can't happen, can it? I mean, this place is built to last, right? Don't

worry about it. She made this wild prediction that I would make a fool of

in public.

But I don't care!

Because I am hopelessly devoted to her!

Oh, I love her so much!

What are you looking at?

The ceiling's falling!

Oh, icky.

Destiny calls.

You can't do this. Yes, I can.

Refills are free. I'm going to talk to Adonis about this. It's just not fair.

Life got fair. Why wasn't I told?

Hey, I think you dropped this.

You may rejoin the underclass now.

This is empty.

Refills are free.

Help yourself.

Don't be ridiculous. I never do anything for myself. For example, I'm inclined

to humiliate you now.

Humiliate him now.

Hey,

I think you dropped this.

I've seen Gorgons with better pictures than that.

Oh, sure, his pride is destroyed, his reputation annihilated, but the roof did

not fall.

I think I could have handled the roof.

Okay, rookie!

Show me what you got!

How'd I do?

You seem distracted.

Huh?

You seem distracted.

Phil, what was school like for you?

I learned what I know on the streets. The school of hard knocks.

And since I took you on, I feel like I'm doing my post -graduate work.

Sorry, Phil. It's just that I...

Everybody at school thinks I'm a loser.

Yeah, yeah.

Killies went through the same thing with them orthopedic sandals.

What do you think you are? I'm not so sure sometimes.

Kid, forget everybody else.

Figure out what you think.

Oh, I believe this belongs to you?

Sorry.

Phil's right. It shouldn't matter what everybody else thinks.

But it does matter.

A lot.

How do I prove to everybody at school I'm not a loser?

A fight?

That jerk Adonis, I'd love to... Nah, that's against school rules.

Oh, fight with a monster.

Pegasus, you're a genius.

Tonight, I'm going to prove that I'm a hero. We're going to the realm of

monsters.

And so in the realm of monsters, Hercules sought a worthy foe to prove

hero. Honey, that's not Hercules.

Oh. Oh, sorry.

Speedy Peter delivery guy, your dinner's here.

You know, I'm not big on Peters.

No, I'm more of a people person.

Humble before mighty echidna.

The mother of all monsters!

I'm putting in for a new route.

Orthos, your blood feast is the most important meal of the day. And what do

eat? Junk food.

But, Mom... Shut your pie hole, little mister. Mother!

That goes double for you.

Oh, where did I go wrong? Your brothers and sisters are out there night and day.

They're eviscerating army, leveling city -states to eat only the best.

But what do you do?

You stuff your faces with PETA delivery boys.

We ate that moussaka guy once.

What have I always told you?

You can't be a somebody if you eat a nobody. That's right. So starting

you are on a strict diet.

You are to gorge only upon the upper cross like a king or a prince or at

hero. And so in the realm of monsters, Hercules... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We

all got to feed now. This is the domain of Echidna, the mother of all monsters.

Do you even know where you're going?

No, but I do know we have to eat somebody important or Mother's going to

She wouldn't. I think she would. The last couple of family reunions had some

empty seats. There was talk.

Here's how I see it. I defeat a monster, word spreads at school, perk the hero.

Life is fair again.

Okay, that was fast.

Nothing personal, but I'm going to have to defeat you in battle.

And who exactly are you?

The name's Hercules.

Never heard of you.

I know.

Nobody has.

No offense, Peewee, but our mother has us on a strict diet. Royalty and heroes

only. Well, I'm a hero in training.

Does that count? Maybe not as an entree, but as a snack.

Stay out!

He's stale. Just check for an expiration date.

It's usually on the bottom right here, right?

Forget him. He's stale and he's a nobody.

I'm not a nobody.

Living in denial.

I am somebody.

Somebody important.

Prove it.

I am a student at the Prometheus Academy.

Hey!

What a ghastly likeness. Ever hear of a comb?

Actually, I've heard of this school. Quite prestigious.

So they've got to have some very important upper crusty people there. We

check it out.

You mean that, brother?

Let's go.

Hey, that costs ten drachma if lost or stolen.

Got ten drachma I could borrow.

Herk's most dangerous lesson about to begin.

Cassandra predicted his doom.

On top of our hero, the root's gonna fall.

You don't wanna miss it. Stay tuned.

How late am I?

Rome fell.

What? Kidding. That won't happen for centuries.

You only miss geometry.

Mr. Euclid didn't even take attendance.

What with the rampaging cyclops and all. A cyclops?

How many heads?

Do I think.

Could be a new student.

Somebody said he's got an ID.

I heard the picture on it is hideous. My ID!

All royalty and important people line up to the left.

Everyone else is excused.

Cooperate and no one will be hurt.

Except they will get eaten.

Well, that's a given.

They never make it easy. I'll make it easy for you. Leave now and there won't

any trouble.

Hey, it's the stale nobody kid.

Thanks for the hot tip.

Yeah, dynamite buffet.

There's been a change in the menu. No flesh this day. Instead, you shall taste

my blade.

Here, make him taste my blade.

Hey, you've got something right there.

Did I get it?

Higher. Where?

To the left. Wait, here. Are you mirroring me or are you just... A little

Did I get it?

Bingo. Adonis, this is my fight.

I'm sure you mean well. Still, nobody can... Look, like we told you before, we

can't waste our time on you.

I am a hero in training.

And thus, you may be a somebody someday.

But right now, you are a nobody.

Well, he's got you there.

I, on the other hand, am a prince. Right now, at this very moment, a bonafide

prince. No!

Hey!

We shall dine like royalty.

Or on royalty, as the case may be. Wait!

You can't eat him!

Can too.

Mom said we can eat princes. But how are you going to prove to your mom that he

was a prince?

We'll save some bones.

Everybody's the same under their skin. That is not true.

I mean, right.

We are all brothers under the skin.

We've got to show Mom that we made good.

Should we wrap him to go?

No. We can have our prince and eat him too.

No.

Very well.

I'm not used to working under hostage conditions. Not that you care. I mean,

are a rather odd, hideous -looking, two -eyed, well, one -eyed, two -headed

thing. When I say thing, I mean Cyclops. And I, that's me, am not. Just take the

picture!

Say, feta cheese!

That actually hurt.

I can't tell nobody.

Prepare for pain.

The name is Hercules.

Wow. Two heads. Oh, you could eat and think at the same time.

Huh?

Oh, he was to be the best man at our wedding.

I was on the cusp of an emotion, and you just made that impossible.

Sandra, good call on the roof.

I foretold you so.

But you didn't see that I beat the two -headed Cyclops.

Well, I guess Adonis didn't see it that way either.

I guess you could say it was beauty that killed the beast.

Play along. I'll make it worth your while.

Everybody thinks he saved the day.

Oh, two -fifthed him.

I worked on the Biclops.

Forget it.

Doesn't matter.

This is abject defeat.

Our newfound maturity.

Who cares what everybody else thinks? You know what's important?

What I think. And I think I'm... I'm doing okay.

Maturity? Perhaps the greatest foe of all.

Icarus was one odd kid.

So, whatever happened to him?

He went into manufacturing with his dad and made a fortune. You've probably seen

his ads.

Icarus, the waxwing king.

And Cassandra?

She got recruited by the Oracle Friends Network.

Now they call it a psychic cynic to the stars.

Whoa. I had forgotten all about this.

What? No, I don't think so. I've shown you too much already.

Come on, Phil. It can't be that bad.

No, this is different.

If the kid knew I showed you this... No!

It's not my fault. She made me do it. I take no responsibility.

End.

I'm out of here!

Meg, I'm so embarrassed.

Why didn't he tell you about the time I went to the city of Athens and really

whipped the Minotaur?

You mean you did that? All by yourself?

Well, not exactly. I did get a little help.

Midnight. Athens. The long, dark hunt draws to a close.

Soon. Very soon. The Grim Avenger will be avenged.

Grimly.

Whoa! According to the Greekly World News, that laughing maniac has toppled

temples in two nights, and why isn't anyone listening to me? We don't want to

break a trend.

Sorry, Herc, just trying to get a gander at the new guy.

Wet paint.

Hey! I like, I like, huh?

Lassie. New guy?

Another rich royal brat.

This one's Theseus, Prince of Attica.

Oh, he's so dreamy! So cute!

So rich!

Such a pleasure to be here. I've heard so many wonderful things about Athens.

Of course, this one donkey town is no Thrace, believe me.

By the way, I'm Adonis, Prince of... Don't get me started on Thrace. The

family thinks a fringed chiton is high fashion.

I haven't worn fringes in three weeks. I don't know where I get this

information. It's obviously out of date.

Well, you were right, Kasim. Just another prince.

Where are you going?

To introduce myself.

You're swooning!

Am not.

Oh, you are!

Did you really think that I wouldn't notice?

Have you a nuance that's not carved upon my untamed heart?

Don't I know your every move?

Well, except possibly this one.

Well, no wonder everyone likes Theseus. He's handsome, charming.

And incredibly rich.

He's got it all.

I hate him!

Okay, Pegasus. We hear the laughter. We see a mysterious figure. We have our

temple toppler.

Sir, I believe the Athenian authorities would like a word.

Caught off guard by the stranger's voice, the Grim Avenger turns.

Excuse me? Are you talking to me? Two new players join the game, but are they

friends or foes?

So, you call yourself the Grim Avenger? You know my name.

My reputation precedes me.

Yeah, by about six seconds.

Listen, you seem a bit troubled, and I really don't want to hurt you, so how

about coming along quietly?

The Avenger hears the only sound capable of sending a chill down his generally

temperate spine.

Not quite the answer I was expecting.

Depart before the real trouble begins.

Trouble, huh?

Okay, if that's how you want to play it, but I think I should warn you, my name

is Hercules, and I'm a hero.

In training.

Provoked, the Grim Avenger twists around and flips the young hero onto his back.

The Grim Avenger fires his crossbow of grim justice.

Pegasus!

Pegasus! Over here!

Despite their embarrassing defeat, Hercules and his deed have impressed the

Avengers' worthy opponents.

But that's an impression he will never reveal.

What's that noise?

No, not now.

So that maniacal laughter wasn't you?

Oops.

Wait, it's all a big heroic misunderstanding!

The Avenger has sworn that nothing will prevent him from bringing his nemesis to

justice. And yet...

Where's

the Avenger?

Long ago, the Grim Avenger took a grim vow to grimly avenge himself upon his

hated nemesis. Found him! But trapped in a ton of rubble.

The Avenger here, once again, has failed.

Failed. Failed!

Hold on! I've almost got you!

Yes!

No!

Avenger, listen.

It's not your fault. I'm to blame.

Typical rookie mistake. Picking a fight with the wrong guy.

The Avenger suddenly sees his former foe in a new light. But can he trust this

eager, would -be hero with the truth of his grim and righteous cause?

Can I take this off now?

You may.

Wow!

Cool barge! But you were blindfolded. How did you know you were on a bard?

Uh, lucky guess?

The only luck we've had tonight.

Once again, the temple -topping minotaur has escaped me. That was the minotaur?

You fought the minotaur? Me too!

I first encountered him while trapped in a labyrinth. Me too!

Fortunately, I was able to escape with the help of this magic thread.

Me too!

Well, actually, he had the magic that I smashed my way out of it. But all in

all, we have a lot more in common than I thought. Although, I'm not too clear on

the whole face -hiding thing.

Here's a look.

What Hercules doesn't know is that the Grim Avenger has been tracking them in a

door.

From city -state to city -state. And what drives the Avenger's grim quest?

Well, maybe it's because you... Even the Avenger doesn't know.

Maybe it was that temple that toppled onto his head.

Listen, Bloom, let me help. Together, I know we can catch the Minotaur.

A tempting offer. But the Avenger is a lone wolf. A solitary warrior for

justice. One mortal man against mythic forces beyond his... Look, you're in

Athens! It's my town! Come on!

An heroic team -up.

Cool. We'll meet again tomorrow night. Okay, where?

Don't worry.

I'll find you.

Cassandra, of course I'd believe you if you sensed danger approaching.

I sense danger whenever you're near me.

You.

Take it easy, Icarus. This seems like an okay guy.

Oh, yeah.

He's okay.

Maybe too okay.

Fellow Prometheans, a little announcement.

Tonight at the Family Villa.

An Adonis blowout bash.

Be there or be Mesopotamian.

Party! Party!

Party! Party! Yes!

Of course, only the elite will be invited. Which I'm afraid leaves you

Hmm. A crowded party.

Tonight. But of course I won't be there. I'm throwing my own little

extravaganza. At the Temple of Aphrodite. And everyone's invited.

I hope you'll be there, Cass, to warn me of danger.

I can see myself making an appearance.

Theseus, this party has me worried.

Because you might not be able to get a date?

Well, yeah, there's that. But no, having it in Temple could attract the

Minotaur. My plan, exactly.

Toppling Temples is so much more fun when there's an audience for the temple

fall on.

Okay, all I'm saying is that there's absolutely no way that I'm going to

to like Theseus just because he throws some crummy little party.

That's where I cannot be bought.

Wow, check out the buffet.

Theseus, buddy, you are the best, man.

This looks delicious.

I can't understand why no one would believe me when I warn them the temple

going to be toppled. Welcome to my world.

Cassandra, Hercules, I'm so glad you could come.

So specious.

Which tables are reserved for royalty?

At my parties, everyone's equal. Sit where you wish.

Come, allow me to get you some refreshments.

I don't get it. What's the point of being rich if you're going to be nice to

everyone?

Well, someone's having a good time.

Oh, excuse me, I didn't know this closet was... These here... Quiet!

You're the Grim Avenger?

Me being the only new kid. It was a dead giveaway, huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. I

knew it all the time.

But then... Excuse me. Why did you throw a party in a temple? That's my cape.

Oh, sorry.

It's the perfect way to lure the Minotaur into the open. Yeah, and it's

perfect way to put all my friends at risk.

Oh, sorry. No risk.

Tonight, the Minotaur's reign of terror comes to a permanent end.

Permanent as in permanent.

Isn't that a little harsh? Why don't we just capture him, turn him over to my

dad, Zeus?

As Theseus dons his helmet, he loses his identity, perhaps his very humanity, to

the grim Avenger. This ends tonight.

Lead, follow, or get out of the way.

Actually, I'm going to have to insist on leading.

You can follow or get out of the way. Look, let's just get out of here before

somebody gets hurt.

Oh, sorry.

No, my fault.

Hey, what do I have to do to get a little attention around here?

The Grim Avenger. Silent Sentinel of Sanity. Prepare to attack his dreaded

nemesis. You know, the Sentinel of Sanity would be a lot more silent if

just quit narrating every move you make.

You mean... You mean I said that out loud?

Yeah. There's somebody home.

Time to party.

Let's just get this over with.

Grab hold.

This is most uncomfortable.

Avenger, help me!

I can still get him.

Wait! Quick, everyone, run! Get out!

Oh, well, there goes his cleaning deposit. Poor Leticia.

Well, not exactly poor, but... Am I the ultimate party crusher or what?

Over here.

This is all my fault.

No, this is the Minotaur's fault. And he will pay.

He's opening his eyes.

Whoa!

That horseradish packs some punch!

Say, who are you?

The Grim Avenger.

Okay.

This is a dream, right?

Ow! Careful.

You've broken your leg.

You notice.

You care!

Has anyone seen Theseus?

Yes! I spoke too soon.

Uh, Theseus. Right. He's fine. He asked about you. Yeah. He asked if you would

look after Icarus. He did?

He did.

Trust me, those were his exact words.

Take care of him, Cassandra. We've got a Minotaur to catch.

Pegasus!

And so, destiny calls, and the grim Avenger prepares to... Yes,

right. Well, shall we go?

There!

Faster, Pegasus!

Come on, heroes!

Show me what you've got!

Hercules, look!

Temple Row. Every deity in Greece has a franchise here.

We're playing into his hands. Let's regroup. Come up with a plan.

This ends tonight.

Lead. Follow.

Just get out of my way.

Would I like that?

Come on, you can do better than that.

It's

her

chief that thought he'll topple more temples than a minotaur.

We've got it. It's over. I'll tell you when it's over.

That's right, kid.

Gotta keep showing them who's in charge.

Look, Doc. Look what you're doing.

He's to blame!

Not me, pal.

I'm just playing the cards the gods dealt me.

Half man, half bull.

Strong and not particularly graceful.

One little china shop and they lock you in a lousy labyrinth. You know how much

I hate labyrinths.

We all have our little problems.

And the son of Zeus will make sure you never harm anyone again.

Was that narration?

What? I'm not saying it was, but it sure sounded like it. No way!

He's right.

Sounded like narration.

Well, maybe it was a little pompous, but take him in, Herc. Turn him over to

Zeus, like you said.

No. I've got to finish this job.

Your job isn't to finish it. Your job is to be a hero.

And what kind of hero do you want to be?

Oh, good question.

Do you mind? Be yourself.

Be Hercules. Because even I don't want to be the grim Avenger anymore.

And neither of us wants to be like him.

Hey!

Look, do what you want. But please, no labyrinths.

I hate labyrinths. All those twists and turns.

I'm claustrophobic. I sweat. And the fur gets that wet, funny, sweaty smell.

And, and... And I'm going to the labyrinth, right?

Hey, want to sign my cast?

Come on, anyone?

Does anyone want to sign my cast?

Please? I'd be honored. You?

Don't worry, Icarus. Theseus is returning to Attica.

Ah!

Well then, by all means, sign away.

Ow! Ow! Thank you, that's good. Ow! Ow! What a sweet inscription. Ow! Ow! You're

too kind. Ow! Thank you.

Ah, Theseus, I hear you're going home.

Competing with me must really take a toll.

Believe me, just being around you takes a toll.

I... Thought so.

Hey, was that a shot?

I only regret I didn't take the time to truly enjoy your company.

Now this I should have seen coming. You know, if you ever need, same here.

You know, there's still one thing that's bothering me. The Grim Avenger. Who was

that helmeted man?

I guess we'll never know.

You mean you wrecked 17 temples? I was a teenage boy. It seemed like a really

good idea.

But you know...

As disastrous as that was, that was nothing compared to when my dad decided

see what being a teenager was like firsthand.

Amazing. Fantastic.

Now that's what I call a geography project.

What is it?

A map of the world.

Careful.

Watch out!

I spent several excruciatingly tedious minutes hiring a professional to

construct that model. Your geography projects are all lovely.

I will begin the grading with Prince Adonis' model volcano.

Miss Cassiopeia, if I may demonstrate?

It's a working model.

Surf up.

Okay.

Inspirational, Adonis. Alpha plus.

What's not to lava?

Lava. Now then, Mr. Hercules.

This is rather unconventional. It's a map of the world.

Well, it was.

Oh, dear. Well, I'll give you an incomplete.

Perhaps you could aspire to something more like Adonis' fine effort. You did

that on purpose.

So the traveling salesman asks, what do you think?

And the farmer's wife, she says, I don't know. It's all Greek to me.

Greek to me. Get it?

Oh, yeah.

That's a good one, father.

There's something wrong, son.

I wouldn't want to bore you. That's what these father -son chats are for.

Am I right, Hermes?

Zeus, babe, they don't come any righter. Okay, there's this creep at school

named Adonis. Now we're getting somewhere.

Is he a titan? No.

Monster? Uh -uh. A demigod? He's mortal.

Obnoxious, but mortal.

Oh, well, you just have to show him who's boss.

How? I mean, sure.

Sometimes I feel like thrashing him, and I could, but that wouldn't be very

heroic. Oh, but you're my boy.

It's not that simple.

He's a prince, and I'm a... The son of Zeus.

Start acting like it. Well, that's great on Mount Olympus, but where I live,

it's another story, Dad.

Go up there, down here, put him in his place. End of story.

You don't know what it's like.

You wouldn't last 24 hours as a human teenager.

Hermes. Does he seem peevish to you?

With all due respect, large guy, cut him some slack. I mean, you banished your

father. That was different. He tried to swallow me whole.

Here we go.

Ha! Watch this.

Whoa! Whoops. Back in a flash.

I feel like a kid again, Hermes.

It's you, sir.

Okay,

bottom line. I'm stuck way down here.

Cold, damp, lots of dead people.

Zeus, on the other hand, is way up there at the all -you -can -eat Ambrosia

buffet.

Objective? Reverse positions.

Hey! There it is. Drop it. Come on, though.

Drop it.

Lousy mutt. We're living in bones, are us, and he's got to use my stuff for a

chew toy. Hey, hey, listen up. Look, me, master, you, obedient pup.

Got it?

That's it.

Get out of here. Get out.

Pain.

Panic! Present and accounted for, your churlishness.

Nice doggies.

When you two were whining about getting a puppy, what did I say?

You have to walk it. You have to feed it. Did I not?

It's really more of a cat.

No!

No!

I could have had a nice three -headed goldfish.

Prepare yourself, Icarus. Today is the day I beat Adonis.

At dodgeball?

Yeah, right.

Shh, here comes Bizetapus. Okay, you all know the rules. Throw the ball as hard

as you can at anything that moves.

You may not run. You may not hide. Last one standing wins.

And people, please, please remember, we're here to have fun, okay?

Ready, set... Okay,

go get them,

pal. I'll be cowering right behind you. Uh -oh.

Hey, what's with that kid?

He's not cowering.

This time I've got him.

Gee, that was close.

Huh? I can't be out. I had him. Hey, remember, as one door closes, another

opens.

I think this is a learning experience, okay?

Who is that new guy? You mean Mr. I -cower -for -no -man?

Who is that guy?

He cheated.

The sun was in my eyes. Oh, come on now. You just gotta pick yourself up, dump

yourself off, and, well, you know the rest.

Oh, that was so great.

I'm Hercules. Call me Herc.

I'm Zoo... Zach.

The name's Zach.

That person is about to discover that I can be a very royal pain.

Hermes! How goes the second childhood, your splendidness?

Aces? I showed Hercules, huh?

Uh, technically,

sir, with all due respect, you didn't really satisfy the Herc Challenge.

Come again?

Well, the gig was to be a mortal teenager for 24 hours, and you used your

powers. Okay, fine.

I'm mortal. Whoa, sir, I didn't mean... Now let's go home. I've got that deep

down nectar first.

Ah, well, remember Olympus' immigration policy?

No mortals allowed.

You've got that mortal thing happening now.

Why not try a bed and breakfast? I hear they're fabulous. This is ludicrous.

Absurd. It's unfair.

Welcome to your teens.

Oh, hey, slow down! Come on! Heel!

Heel! Come on!

Find a tree or something already, you know what I'm saying? A little... No!

Bad puppy, come on! Put that down!

Hades! Have you no control over that fleabag of yours?

Ah, ladies, forgive me, I'm sorry. He's a bit, how shall I say it, rambunctious.

Drop it already. What is it? Come here.

What is it? It's an eyeball.

There.

I'm mortal.

Oops.

You weren't supposed to see that. Right, understood.

Just out of curiosity, that kid with Hermes, who was that? There was

kind of vaguely familiar about him.

No, absolutely not. Yeah, all right.

Of course, sister.

You'll keep that beast locked up.

Sit, sit. He's in the doghouse for like ever, okay? Boom, done, gone, okay?

Well, all right.

That boy is Zeus.

Zeus, right, of course.

Voice, this should have been a dead giveaway. Zeus?

You mean the biggest cheese in the universe?

Mortal? As in no longer immortal?

As in susceptible to becoming, you know, my province.

Deceit?

Yes!

Sharpen those scissors, ladies.

We've got a thread of life to cut.

You should have seen the look on Adonis' face when that ball hit him in the gut.

Wham! He was laid out flat. It was beautiful.

Interesting. We haven't seen your petty side before.

I like it.

Well, of course, I take no pleasure in the suffering of others. I just expect

that Adonis will be a better person for the experience.

Uh -huh.

Hey, great to see you again, Zach.

I'd like you to meet Cassandra.

Charmed, I'm sure. Anyone who can humiliate Adonis is a friend of mine.

Zack, you're amazing.

You're the kind of guy who can really shake things up. No, no.

No, no, no, and no. Come on. Don't you see? There's a natural order to life

which cannot be upset.

Well, I mean, the last person dumb enough to challenge Adonis on his first

of school was, uh... Well, actually, it was you, Herc.

Looks like we have a lot in common, pal.

More than you'd think.

Tug excited.

Poor dude.

He had a lot to learn about teenage cruelty.

And what better teacher than Adonis? Honey, it's a Greek tragedy.

Objective humiliation.

Gotta watch your back and stay on your

toes. You should have listened to your young son's woes.

Now you know what every teenager knows.

You call it heinous, honey, when you can't use the power of food.

You got the screaming, griefing, teenage, awkward, in -between -age

You could do with anything you please, but as a mother, you're no

big C.

Here on Earth, you're just another target to tease.

You're having second thoughts now that you're feeling the squeeze.

You don't need the Oracle or Delphi to give you the news.

Oh, no, no, no. You got the screaming Grecian teenage.

What the heck does mean it? What's in between it?

Yeah, I've only got a minute.

Hephaestus is after Athena again.

Waste of time, if you ask me, which nobody ever does. Thank you very much.

I give up.

Hercules is right.

I can't cut it as a mortal.

Get me out of here!

Yeah, I feel your pain, sir. Honest, I do. But you made the rules. You just

to wait it out.

Nobody knows what it's like to be me, man!

Yeah, sorry. Got a jet.

But, sir, that was authentically adolescent.

All right, one more time.

You go on the paper, you don't eat it. You got the concept?

Ooh, now we're talking. There's only one God in the universe who can fill out a

chitin like this.

My patience is starting to wear off.

It's out.

Okay, come on. It's gone. Boom. No more patience.

I'm trying to find Zeus, and you are... Hmm.

A rotting bloodhound.

Mortal Zeus.

Dog that destroys everything in its path. Enemy that needs to be destroyed.

Perfecto! Ha ha!

You want the toy? Come on. You want the toy? It's out there. Come on. Let's go

get it. Come on. Snip it out.

Come on. Come on. You can do it.

Come on, come on already. Jeez, you got a nose the size of a barn. Three of

them. You got three big, wet, sloppy... Come on.

Atta baby, you want him?

Go get him!

Go! Fetch! Seize! Mangled! Shred!

Dead! Right! Go right there!

Get him!

I know that look.

Adonis.

Ah, buck up. You just have to show him who's boss.

That is quite possibly the lamest advice I ever heard.

Yeah, I know.

My dad said it to me. I thought maybe you'd find it more inspiring.

Well, sorry, I'm kind of late for class.

Hang in there, Zack.

Hades. Jack, you know, it's hard not to gloat here, so I'm just going to kind of

go with it, okay?

Zeus is going to get eaten.

I'm taking over.

You'll never get away with this, Hades.

Uh, Ron. Okay, hey!

There's a new top guard in town, people, and his name is Hades, large and in

charge.

Hades, this will not go unpunished. By whom, mortal you?

Forgive me if I fail to tremble.

Go ahead! Knock yourself out! Go! Chomp!

Leave my friend alone!

Please?

This is so great on, like, so many levels.

Hades! When my father finds out that you're meddling in mortal affairs,

gonna... Well, I got news for you, Junior.

Daddy's standing right next to you. And when it comes to mortal affairs, he's

right in the thick of things.

Isn't that right, Luz?

Huh?

Like father, like son. Like chow.

Let me just make sure I got this straight. You turned yourself into a

I wanted to prove you wrong.

It didn't exactly work.

Well, fine.

Just change back.

I love this part. He can't. He actually made himself mortal. You get it? Why

would you do that?

My boyish impetuosity.

Fetch! Good thinking, son.

Okay, let's try this again.

Fetch!

Tenacious beast.

Tell me about it.

Get it, boy!

Hello!

The idea is to fetch them.

Back here.

Man, what I wouldn't give for a thunderbolt.

Sorry, Father.

Us mortals have to find other solutions to our problems.

Come on, son.

Is it my imagination or is he slowing down?

Hey, he's a puppy. You played with him, you fed him. Maybe it's nap time.

They say that music soothes the savage beast.

Close your eyes until the new day.

Let the magic of Morpheus whisk you away

to the stars in the heavens where dreams all

come true.

High atop Mount Olympus, Zeus is watching over

you.

But how could you know that song? My mom...

My mortal mom used to sing that song to me as I fell asleep.

And I listened every night.

Just because you were living on Earth didn't mean I stopped caring.

Oh, I owe you a big apology, Father.

I shut my mouth off without thinking.

Nonsense. It's been an education.

I've gained a great deal of respect for you, son.

God, this is so touching. It's so...

It's so wide, I get a lump in my throat the size of a creek.

He's actually kind of cute.

Hey, remember me, little old lord of the underworld, which is incidentally where

you're headed.

You'll have to fry me first, Hades.

Hey, I can deal with that. Out of the way, son.

This is between me and my gloom from the tomb brother.

I hate to see families in conflict, so I tell you what, I'm kind of a softie.

I'll torture both at once, how's that?

Going down!

Mighty One, your 24 hours of mortalhood is up.

Okay, great. Somebody might have mentioned a pertinent tidbit of

like a time limit.

We did tell Hades about that.

Time limit, didn't we?

He'll figure it out.

Okay, well, you know, hey, I don't want to intrude on your tender moment, you

know? It's like a tender... Besides, I think we all learned a little lesson

today. I think the kid finds out that you care, you find out being human is,

hey, no picnic in me. I mean, I learned to, you know, fry first and gloat later,

so, uh... Yaha!

Have a nice trip.

See you next fall!

I still

can't believe you became

mortal just for me.

Thanks. Oh, Posh. You're my boy, my boy.

Well, forget about Adonis. I'll figure out a way to deal with him.

Very mature of you, son.

There's no point in wasting your energy on a creep like him.

Bow and step to the side. Commoners to the left, nobodies to the right. All

way for the royal me.

Then again, that kid is practically wearing a might -me size.

What?

I bet you don't get invited back for alumni weekend.

See, this is why I didn't want you to see any of this stuff.

Now you're going to think of me as that geeky loser.

I want you to think of me as I am now. A hero.

Oh, you big lug.

So you went through an awkward phase.

You know what? It made you the hero you are today.

The most precious gems have their roots in the rock.

Just like my hero, the man that I love.

Made a number of blunders, but haven't we all?

Still you always would wonder with your back to the wall.

Though I'm duly impressed with this fisticuff stuff.

It's just a small part of the man that I love.

There's been a few misses, one or two in between.

A couple of kisses and some devilish dreams.

But monstrous battles made some narrow escapes.

But I'm much more in awe of your character traits.

Because you're gentle and kind and you never give up.

This is what makes you true.

The man that I love.

I thank Zeus for this gift from Olympus above.

My number one hero.

The man that I love.

A special delivery.

What's that?

Well, when I figured out what you were up to, I sent Hermes on a special

to retrieve your high school yearbook.

No, you wouldn't. Oh, come on, Meg.

There can't be anything embarrassing in your path, can there?

Oh, well, looky here.

Our little Megara was a cheerleader. Give me that. Look at your hair.

That was the style at the time.

You were in the glee club?