Original subtitles

Mouse: [Squeaks]

Flip Flip Felon: These flip-flops were a bad choice.

Flute: I know you're a nut, but did you ever consider Crocs?

Less slappy, more comfortable,

and they make you feel like a sassy, overworked nurse.

[People gasp]

According to the greatest margarita-based songwriter

of our generation--R.I.P., JB--

if you want to blow out a flip-flop,

all you need is a pop top.

[Tropical music plays]

Flip Flop Felon: Aah! Uh!

Flute: And that's how I bust a nut.

[People cheering]

Kid: Ha ha ha!

[Cash register rings]

Woman: Oh, hon, you look just like the Flip-Flopper.

Waiter: Here's your Son of Salmon.

Man: I asked for the John Wayne Gravy on the side,

and would it hurt you to frown a little more?

Waiter: Aagh!

Woman: Oh, it's so interactive.

I can't believe how real it looks, right, hon?

John?

[Click]

[Glass cracks]

[Microphone feedback]

Karen: As head of the Criminals' Union, I'm here to say

that a heinous crime is being committed right now,

and I don't mean the work of the Press Conference Slasher.

Man: Aagh...

Karen: I'm talking about this city not sharing in the profits

made off the hard, dishonest work of our members,

so until they do, we are on strike.

[Cheering]

Harmony: While crime tourism rakes in millions,

many felons feel they haven't received their fair share.

I guess one could say,

crime doesn't pay.

I thought of that.

Keska: Back when I first started,

You could make a killing killing,

but now with inflation, I can't even afford a kill room anymore.

I had to get a roommate.

-Hwuh! -Uh!

Dilquez: I will not allow these criminals to hold this town

hostage until they begin holding people hostage again,

and to prove it, I will be furloughing

the entire police department.

If you have an emergency, call your mama.

Wynona: Wait a sec.

So does this mean we're out of a job?

Martinez: Nah. We still have our jobs.

They're just on pause,

like your mail when you go out of town

or a Sydney Sweeney movie being watched

by one of my teenage boys.

Summers: Technically, I'm considered equipment,

so I'm being reassigned.

I'm replacing a toll booth that's out of order.

Flute: Don't worry. All criminals are idiots.

That's why they always go for one last score and get caught.

Mark my words, the strike will be over before it even--

[People shouting]

Flute: Why won't it stop? Make it end.

Kang: Flute, it's only been 3 days.

How did you grow a beard that full?

Flute: I started injecting testosterone.

What else am I supposed to do

now that these idiots stole my job?

Agh!

[Slam]

Kang: You know, treating criminals

like they're beneath us is what started all this.

Everybody deserves some respect.

Flute: Respect crooks? For what?

Anyone can break the law,

and there's a cell full of babies downstairs to prove it.

Kang: That's the precinct's daycare.

Flute: Right. Well, I'm still never gonna respect them,

and you can disregard my request for tinier handcuffs.

Pentos: Good day, fellow horrible people.

Where do you want me?

Karen: How about inside with all your detective buddies?

Seems like lately, you've helped solve more crimes

than you've committed, so we revoked your membership.

Pento: Now hold on.

I only do that because of my court-appointed jewelry.

Karen: Yeah, and not a scratch on it.

Why haven't you tried to pry it off?

Too scared of what you'd be without it?

Pentos: If I wanted this off, it would be.

Karen: Fine. Get it off by the end of the month,

and you are back in the union.

Pentos: It's a bet.

Get ready because you're about to learn

how to lose an ankle monitor in a week and a half.

Karen: Should we just say 10 days?

Pentos: Yep, yep, how to lose an ankle monitor in 10 days.

That's far superior.

Wynona: So now that you legally can't tell me what to do,

what are we doing?

Let's do something stupid.

Martinez: No, thanks.

I've had plenty of fun in my life.

Wynona: Being fun size doesn't count.

Martinez: Ha ha. Real funny.

I'm laughing, but I'm not, even though I just said I am.

Let me ask you this. Have you ever heard of Chamoy?

Wynona: The savory sauce in Mexican cuisine made

from pickled fruit or the wildly erratic pop star?

Before there was Chamoy the superstar,

there was Tajin and Chamoy.

Wynona: [Gasps]

Martinez: We were basically Salt-N-Pepa but Latino,

and instead of singing about sex, we vocalized virginity.

[Hip-hop music playing]

Tajin: ♪ Body's screaming, "Yes" ♪

♪ But our promise says, "No" ♪

♪ Heat is rising fast, but we're taking it slow ♪

Chamoy: ♪ Even if we won't go all the way ♪

♪ We can still have ♪

Both: ♪ Everything but sex ♪

♪ But sex

Wynona: This is insane. What happened?

Martinez: I got knocked up,

not a good look for a pro-virginity band.

Her dad was our manager and forced me to make a choice--

take care of the problem or quit, so I quit.

Wynona: This is the fun I'm talking about.

Let's go hang with Chamoy.

Martinez: I haven't really kept in touch.

It breaks my heart when I see those stories about her--

the rehab rumors, dancing with chainsaws,

drinking water out of a hamster bottle.

I can't help but feel responsible.

Clearly, she's jealous of my life.

Wynona: Uh, OK.

The millionaire superstar who has her own clothing line

is jealous of you, who has a clothesline in her office?

Martinez: It's not about money. I have 5 kids. She has none.

Wynona: Uh, I don't have any kids.

Martinez: And look how sad your life is. Stay strong.

Wynona: I think the reason you don't want to see Chamoy

is because you're scared you made a mistake.

Martinez: Fine. I'll call her, and we'll go,

but when you realize I came out on top, I want an apology.

Sorry. One of my boys cracked the screen,

and the other tried to fix it with wood glue.

[Jazz piano music playing]

[Beep beep beep...]

Pentos: Oh...uh...

[Sighs]

Flute: Hey, glad you're here. Can you--

Pentos: Let me guess.

You have a problem I need to help with.

You do realize this is a very one-sided relationship.

Flute: How many sides is a relationship supposed to have?

Pentos: Two, 3 if you're Taika Waititi.

I have problems, too, you know.

I'm about to lose the bet, my scoliosis is acting up on me,

and...

[Sighs]

Fine. What's your problem?

Flute: I need this strike to end.

Without a job, my life has no meaning.

I have no excuse not to see Stan,

and I'm this close to joining a pickleball league.

Pentos: Ah, so easy.

Pretend you are a criminal. Commit a few crimes.

While the cons scramble to find out who is scabbing,

they will inevitably turn on one another,

breaking their unity and thus ending the strike.

Flute: But I don't know the first thing

about being a criminal.

[Beeping]

Pentos: Perhaps you could learn the keys to being one

if you had the right teacher to unlock it,

someone with a keen criminal mind,

someone who has outwitted the police,

the FBI, and the Columbia House CD club,

someone who could teach you the lost art of pretending

you are helping someone else when, in fact,

you are secretly serving your own sinister goals--

me.

Flute: Yeah, you. Couldn't you be my teacher?

Pentos: Me? Never thought of it,

but once I do solve your problem,

you must promise to help solve mine, no matter what.

Do we have a deal?

Flute: Good-bye, Detective Flute.

[Glass shatters]

[Lamb baas]

[Whirring]

Kang made me get this because I kept losing it.

Flute: So what's first-- home invasion, light arson,

maybe a carjacking?

Pentos: Slow down. I must ease you in.

Go too fast, and you'll catch the madness.

Solving crimes is one thing, but committing them is--

Wow. Well, actually, it's just the exact opposite,

but can you do it?

Flute: Mail theft? Come on. That's too easy.

Pentos: Then why am I not reading

this week's supermarket circular?

I'd love to know what cut of beef is on sale.

The smart money is on tri-tip.

[Creak]

[Rustling]

Flute: I can't do it. It's illegal.

I can't steal a kid's birthday card.

Pentos: And why not?

Your livelihood has been taken from you

like Liam Neeson's daughter in "Taken,"

your identity stripped away like Liam Neeson's ability

to do any other type of role after "Taken."

It's time to steal your life back.

I just robbed a child of their birthday money.

I feel like a box of Pokemon cards.

Man: Hey! Get out of here.

[Tires screech]

Uh! Uh! Mailbox pervert!

Flute: It was tri-tip.

Pentos: Hee hee! Ha ha! Oh...

Wynona: Still think she's jealous of you?

Martinez: You kidding?

These water features scream, "I wasted my fertile years."

Chamoy: It's really you. Come in.

Wynona: Mm-hmm, insane with jealousy,

Chamoy: Tajin, give me a hug, girl.

Martinez: Uh, why are you in that?

Chamoy: I was nervous you were coming,

and Daddy didn't want me biting my nails.

Martinez: Tino's still your manager.

Chamoy: Oh, don't be silly. He's my conservator.

Martinez: Waah!

Tino: Don't let the title throw you.

Conservators have gotten such a bad rap after Britney,

Amanda Bynes, Lindsay Lohan, Brian Wilson,

Mickey Rooney, Demi Lovato, "The Blind Side."

I just handle the boring stuff

so my princess can do whatever she wants.

Chamoy: Can I go out with my friends?

Tino: No! But you can have a sleepover.

It'll be far more fun.

Chamoy: Yes. Let's have a sleepover.

It will be far more fun.

Flute: Where'd you learn that?

Pentos: My father.

Flute: Huh. I didn't know you had parents.

Pentos: You never asked.

Papa was an escape artist in the circus.

Flute: Well, that explains everything.

Pentos: What does that mean?

Flute: Nothing.

Pentos: Say it.

Flute: Forget it.

Pentos: Say it.

[Both laughing]

[Alarm blaring]

Flute: That's easy.

If I had a time machine, I'd go back

and see "Oppenheimer" first, then "Barbie."

Pentos: But you could go anywhere--

The Renaissance, the Roman Empire.

You could meet the real Oppenheimer.

Flute: Honestly, I'd have no idea who he is.

I fell asleep.

That's why I'm going back to correct the past.

We need more wine.

[Staff whimper]

[Beeping]

[Pop]

Pentos: [Gasps]

[Static]

[Both laugh]

Pentos: "To my Bonnie, who was murdered in this fountain by me.

All wishing pennies donated to my defense fund."

Aww.

Flute: I wished for my job back.

What about you?

Pentos: It was just about crimes,

not of the heart variety.

[Animals roaring]

Flute: We should probably get out of here

before that jaguar mauls us.

Pentos: Oh! Ahh...

Wynona: Hey, hey, have you noticed anything weird?

Martinez: I did.

Chamoy hasn't mentioned my kids once.

Wynona: What? No.

I mean that Tino never lets her out of his sight.

Martinez: He's probably worried how jealous she is of me.

I mean, what kind of person puts up all these gold records

just to hide the fact she doesn't have

a booger wall of fame?

Chamoy: So what should we do now?

Wynona: Let's get out of the house,

just the 3 of us.

Tino: She can't leave.

It's too dangerous for her out in the world.

Wynona: But she goes out all the time to tour.

Tino: Actually, she doesn't. Her last tour was all hologram.

You'd be shocked at how good technology has gotten.

Martinez: Aah!

Tino: See? You are shocked.

Martinez: Aah!

Tino: Now she does it all from the safety of home.

In fact, we're performing a benefit for the strike tonight,

so this little one needs her energy.

Come on, my dear. Eat.

Wynona: Just as I expected. Tino's been drugging her.

He's the reason she's crazy, not her jealousy of you.

Martinez: Oh. Well, I may have lost our bet,

but that doesn't mean I regret my decision.

We're getting you out of here, right, Martinez?

Martinez: Oh, God, is that Sam Jackson's first Kangol?

That could have been mine.

Why did I have a basketball team of kids?

[Flute and Pentos laughing]

Pentos: Look. They're talking about us.

Harmony: ...and while the scabs behind these recent crimes

remain unknown, it has weakened the strikers' unity,

which may be why the union announced

they've dropped their major demands,

and the mayor has agreed to negotiate an end to the strike.

Pentos: It seems our little plan worked.

You got what you wanted, and I suppose now it is my turn.

Flute: What if it's not?

Pentos: But you promised to help me if I helped you.

Flute: No. I mean, what if it's not what I want anymore?

I did all this to get my life back,

but what if I found a better life?

Pentos: What are you slowly suggesting?

Flute: Committing crimes is way easier than solving them.

I have no boss, and I'm a natural,

like Robert Redford in "The Sting,"

but I can't do it alone.

Now, I know you'd never ask,

but I'm taking off that ankle bracelet,

and I won't take no for an answer.

Pentos: No?

Flute Yes. We'd be a modern day Thelma and Louise,

but we change the sexes, which is what makes it so modern.

What do you say?

Pentos: I say, maybe wishes do come true...

like really come true.

[Click]

Ha ha ha!

Flute: Wait. Didn't you have a problem?

Pentos: Nope, all solved, but I do have a new one now

that I should probably get cleaned up.

Pentos: My ankle is so much lighter,

I feel as though I can jump and touch the sky.

Yah! Ugh!

[Crack]

Right. I still have the scoliosis.

Flute: So what's next?

Pentos: I say we go someplace warm.

I've always dreamed of getting a sunburn.

Flute: We're not leaving town.

Pentos: But once the deal is signed, every criminal

will be out looking to kill the scabs who broke the strike.

That's us.

Flute: You're right.

We need to kill all the criminals.

Pentos: Oh, God, there's the madness.

Flute: They're all at City Hall right now.

One well-placed bomb, and we'll run this town.

They'll never catch us.

Pentos: You sound like every other criminal

right before they get caught.

Flute: But I'm smarter than all the other crooks.

Pentos: They also say that.

Flute: One last score, then we're free.

Pentos: Is this a bit?

Flute: Maybe Karen was right about you.

Maybe you are no longer the mastermind

your accent makes you appear to be.

Pentos: Oh, really?

I tricked you into taking my ankle bracelet off.

Flute: [Gasps]

Pentos: Hold on.

That came out wrong, even though all the words were correct.

Flute: So was any of this real?

Pentos: It was real for me,

but perhaps I was a fool for thinking you cared.

Flute: Maybe I do have the madness

because I almost believed you.

Pentos: Ohh...

Wynona: It's over, Tino.

Martinez: We know everything.

Tino: Oh, I'm glad I can stop this lie now.

It's been hard keeping you both safe.

Martinez: Keep us safe?

[Click]

Tino: After she poisoned her choreographer,

bludgeoned her makeup team,

and smothered her social media manager,

the doctors wanted her committed,

but I knew my little girl was still in there somewhere,

so they put me in charge.

That's how I came up with the hologram concert

and the cocktail of sedatives to prevent her from harming others.

Wynona: So you've been protecting her?

Tino: Yes. Of course.

That's what a conservator does. Why?

Wynona: No reason.

Real quick, what would happen if someone, say--

mm, I don't know--took those sedatives away from her?

Chamoy: I know a fun sleepover game.

Let's braid each other's organs.

[All scream]

[Parking brake clicks]

Summers: Hey there, Dr. Pentos,

little far for you to be out this way, no?

Pentos: Flute extended my range for the day.

Summers: What a great guy, huh?

Can't wait to see him at the concert.

Pentos: The concert?

Summers: Didn't you hear?

Strike's over, and there's a concert

outside the mayor's office to celebrate.

Whole town will be there.

Pentos: The whole town?

Well, that's too bad. I'll have to miss it.

Now may I go through?

Summers: Sure thing. 25 cents, please.

[Groans]

"Shoplifted this from the department store we grafiteed,"

spelled wrong.

"Thought it might be good for your scoliosis,"

spelled right.

He cares.

This is a two-sided relationship.

[Tires screech]

Summers: Who cares? Who is it?

Can't believe that guy has a lover and I don't.

Martinez: Uh!

Wynona: [Panting]

Tino: Uh!

Chamoy: Heh heh. Heh.

Wynona: Don't do this. You'll lose everything.

Chamoy: I have nothing to lose.

She's the one who has everything--

kids, work, a booger wall--

and if I can't have your life, then neither can you.

Martinez: And you said Chamoy couldn't be jealous of me.

Chamoy: What?

Wynona: Let's not anger the crazy knife lady.

Chamoy: I'm not crazy!

Wynona: [Gasps]

Chamoy: Uh!

[Beep]

[Grunting]

Ah!

[Beep]

Tino: No, no, please.

I'll let you drink from the hamster bottle.

Chamoy: Ha ha ha! Uh!

Martinez: I'm sorry this wasn't

the fun girl time you were hoping for.

Wynona: No. I'm the one who's sorry for not listening to you.

Martinez: I'm a mom. I'm used to it,

and, Tino, I hope you can forgive me

for thinking you were a total psycho.

Tino: It's OK.

This voice does make everything I say sound evil.

Well, I should let them know the show is off.

[Upbeat music playing]

[Cheering]

[Beeping]

Pentos: Flute, you cannot do this.

Well, I just did.

In two hours, they're all gonna die,

so...there.

Pentos: But it's over.

There are innocent people out there celebrating,

people you care about.

Flute: And how do I know this isn't another one

of your schemes to trick me?

[Zip]

Pentos: Karen said I never tried to take it off

because I was afraid of what I would have if I was free,

but I know now that's not true.

I was scared of what I would lose--you.

Flute: If you're expecting me to get emotional,

you got the wrong guy.

My lip's quivering from the lack of potassium in my diet,

but I will admit that crime isn't as fun without you.

Maybe this isn't who I am.

Pentos: I know it's not.

Now let's get that bomb turned off quick and go home.

Flute: There's plenty of time. We got 45 minutes.

44, now 43 minutes. Wow.

Time flies when you've made a surprisingly genuine connection

with a friend, huh?

Pentos: You fool, you set it for two minutes, not two hours.

Flute: I'm used to defusing these, not detonating them.

Pentos: Just flip the kill switch.

Flute: The kill switch?

Pentos: Come on.

Any criminal worth his salt always puts the kill switch

on their master plan.

That way, there's at least the chance they can be foiled

at the last minute by the detectives.

Otherwise, where's the fun?

Flute: Criminals really do that? Wow, so thoughtful.

This experience has really given me

a newfound respect for you idiots.

Now, I may be a terrible criminal,

but I'm a great detective,

and every great detective always has one last heroic move.

I just have to become one again, and I'll think of it.

Since I'm the deviant who set this,

I know my favorite color is blue,

so that's the wire to cut.

Pentos: Really nailed the blue thing.

If this doesn't work, I'm sorry for everything, dear boy.

Flute: Me, too, no hashtag.

[Beeping continues]

Pentos: I want you. Flute: What?

[Explosion]

[Hip-hop music playing]

[Cheering]

Both: ♪ All I want is everything ♪

Martinez: ♪ But sex ♪

♪ All I need is everything ♪

Wynona: ♪ But sex ♪

♪ The only thing that feels good ♪

Both: ♪ Is everything but sex ♪

♪ But sex ♪

Summers: Uh, am I the only one hearing this?

[Whirring]

Kang: Other than that performance,

anything fun happened while we were furloughed?

Wynona: Um, no, not really.

Martinez and I got to know each other a bit better.

Kang: What about you guys? What did you do?

Flute: Uh, not much. We--

Pentos: We fell in love

with pickleball,

the official sport of unemployment.

Hee hee!

Otis: Well, since nobody's gonna ask,

Kang and I had a blast.

We caught a fish.

They're so jealous.

Voice: Bento.