Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.

But we're at Austin, old -fashioned values, on which we used to rely.

Lucky there's a family guy.

Lucky there's a man who finds a new man who all the things we make up. Laugh and

cry. We are family guys.

Hey, Brian, could you read Stewie his bedtime story tonight? I'm watching the

Hot Ones episode where the wings fell on the floor.

Jesse Plemons ate one with lint on it. Hey, when life gives you Plemons.

Yes.

And?

I thought the beginning was clever enough to carry the day.

Ah! Would have preferred a claw retraction on that tuck -in, but you're

this.

Okay, tonight I'm going to read you Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

It was my favorite book when I was a kid. Pup.

Pup means dog kid.

Fine, since I was a pup. Correct.

Mr. and Mrs. Bucket have a small boy named Charlie, who, by the way, is

not that it matters.

He slash his grandparents all sleep on the same cruelty -free mattress because

they are otherwise unhoused. What the hell?

Where's the chalamet, Bri? Get to the chalamet. The Gobstoppers are vegan?

After falling in the chocolate river, Augustus Gloop apologizes for doing

blackface? Why did they change all this stuff?

My God, this is the worst day since 9 -11.

Hey, guys, we're out of dry food.

Brian, they just knocked down the World Trade Center.

Oh.

Did they also knock down the Petco?

Hey. You guys heard about this Hamilton thing? The iconic musical that sold out

theaters across the globe? Yeah, we've heard about it. It's the Founding

Fathers. But they rap.

Officer Swanson, there's an illegal underage social function on Sycamore

violating Ordinance 313.

Please respond.

I thought this was your day off, Joe. Why are they calling you?

Tonight's the night my chief has everyone from the squad over to his

dinner. How come you aren't there?

It's like designated survivor. Of all the cops on the force, the chief asked

not to come. That's how critical I am.

That's sad.

I'm sad now.

Sorry, I gotta go handle this. You guys are welcome to ride along with me, and I

could drop you off after. Sounds great.

Someone changed this classic kid's book to make it all woke. Who would do

something like this? Probably someone who cares about their children.

Add smug smile now.

Lois, did you have something to do with this? I sure did. This was a local

chapter of my bored suburban mom group. It's called Mothers Invested in Literary

Fixin'. Nilf?

So you're ruining books just because you and your weak -minded friends can't

handle reading them as the authors intended?

Oh, come on. It's just a few little changes to make the books nicer.

When did nice become a bad thing?

Kids like Stewie are little and helpless, and her innocence needs to be

protected. Hey, could you do me a favor and not cut my sack off in front of

Rupert? I'm trying to get in them cheeks tonight. What you're doing is offensive

to me as an author. Self -published author.

Well, too bad, because we're just getting started.

At tomorrow's school board meeting, we'll push to replace other problematic

books with versions we approve of. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back

to stuffing envelopes with these stamps featuring female heroes no one's ever

heard of. Mary Lyon, founded Mount Holyoke College.

Hero!

Harriet Quimby, first female pilot to fly the English Channel.

Hero!

Hazel Hotchkiss Whiteman, honorary commander of the Order of the British

Hero!

Mary Lyon founded Mount Ho... Oh, my God, they just repeat. There's only

of them.

Hmm, this appears to be a shindig of the high school variety.

Why do you always talk so doofy? Language is my mistress, and I like to

positions. All right, I gotta go break this up.

Wait,

let's not break it up.

Let's wake it up.

Well... I guess this is a body cam cheat day.

You're all under arrest for not partying hard enough.

Go ahead,

pick another city.

Coral Gables.

Three to the three to the one, four, six.

Whoa, yeah, cool.

When it comes to zip codes, I am that, too.

Cannonball!

Oh, God, that's Daisy. She can't see me here. Glenn, there shouldn't be anyone

at this party who can't see you.

Guys, they have Britbox.

Who is ready for an eight -part murder mystery that absolutely shatters the

coastal community of Brighton?

Let's turn this party up a notch.

I drank way too much last night. Why are we wearing tuxedos?

Uh -oh. Apparently, we got married last night. It's all over TikTok.

Boy, my dad doesn't look happy. But God bless him, he gave us a Cuisinart.

You picked R. Kelly for our first dance?

I know it's wrong, but the grooves are too strong.

Guys, we have to fix this. Marrying each other was a huge mistake.

It was?

Welcome to tonight's town hall. Now, let's open up the floor to women with

little chin hairs when the light hits it just right.

Hello, parents and concerned citizens.

There we go.

Turn them off!

Aw. We are MILF, and we're very worried about the outdated messages in the books

you're giving our kids.

Why does James's peach need to be giant, huh?

It's big pitted, and we should celebrate its curves.

All y 'all husbands follow my Instagram.

This is nuts. Changing books is wrong. If you don't like it, just don't read

Look, I'll be honest. Whoever is angriest is going to win, so have at it.

Come on!

It's pretty close. But since it's 2025, I'm going to go with a group of

ethnically diverse women.

Thank God we're doing this divorce before Donna finds out. What's this

getting a piece of my pension?

I offered you a prenup. You declined.

Let's just get this over with, Peter.

But the Christmas cards already went out.

Oh, my goodness. We really do come in all shapes and sizes.

Now that we got Dad out of the way, let's pound some Bruce.

We got married again. I can't believe it. Why does this keep happening to us?

Guys, don't you see? It's the alcohol.

Every time we drink, we end up doing something stupid.

I'm afraid that dark day has finally come.

We need to stop drinking.

And we need to settle up for the hotel. Let's see here. Cleveland and Quagmire.

Champagne and strawberries.

Intimacy kit.

In a movie that's just titled movie.

It was Frost Nixon.

Ain't everything sexual.

Actually, it was Frosting Nixon, and it was very sexual.

Hmm. They've yet to find the title they can't corrupt.

I can't believe we have to stop drinking. This is a nightmare.

Look, I don't like this any more than you do, but Peter's right. Either we

the hooch or end up marrying each other every day.

Fine. But just know that even though we're breaking up, I will still slap

who disrespects you at the Oscars.

What did you want to talk to us about, Peter?

I've decided to give up alcohol.

Well, I'm proud of you. This is going to change your life, ours too.

Way to go, Dad!

Thanks, gang.

But just so you know, I'm now replacing all my alcohol energy with Grand Canyon

energy. What's that?

Just endless enthusiasm about the Grand Canyon. Did you know the most dangerous

animal in the GC is actually the rock squirrel?

That's true. I'm looking at your faces, but that's actually true.

Welcome to Kettlebells with Stu.

We're all warriors here.

Kettlebell Warriors.

See that over there? That's the road. If any of you want to waste my time, you

may as well hit it right now.

All right, Warriors, we'll pick this up next week. I shouldn't have advertised

on Facebook.

It's all pigs.

And they want to change the books you read because they think you can't handle

it. So I've invited a guest to speak with you about the dangers of sanitizing

books. Quahog's own beloved children's book author, Mr. Hillman Hollister.

Good afternoon, everyone.

I hope you're ready to hear the word the in front of a lot of different

ethnicities. Thank you for coming, Mr. Hollister. We're going to take a little

break. Be sure to give your email to one of the guys with the clipboard so we

can flood your inbox for the rest of your life.

Hey, Brian, I'm a news producer, and our team loves how outspoken you've been

about literary freedom. We think our viewers would really appreciate your

of view.

Really? Absolutely.

Call me.

That guy you were talking to just ran over a group of protesters when he drove

off.

Peter? Hey, sleepyhead.

Why are you up so early? Is that fresh -brewed coffee I smell?

It sure is.

Also, I prepared your tampon for the day.

Wow. Gross.

Thanks.

Crap. I have to get the kids ready for school.

Relax. I took care of it. They are out of bed and fed.

Great. Thank you. Not Pop -Tarts, though. They are out of bed and fed.

I got to tell you, Peter, sobriety is looking good on you. And your liver must

be thrilled.

Hey, HR sent me to tell you that you can finally use all that vacation time

you've accrued. Awesome.

There's a state I've really been wanting to visit. Which one?

Oregon.

It's a liver. We'll be right back.

How are we feeling today, boys?

Rested and vested.

Killing it without swilling it. So.

What do you guys want to do? Usually a whole day is taken up by the drinking.

And the puking. The puking was implied, yes.

I'm sure we can find something that we'll all enjoy.

Isn't this awesome? What could be more fun than puzzling with my boys?

So nice having you together in the same bubble.

Oh, hey, Roberta. Look at you all grown up.

Bubble Roberta? You get back here. There's no age of consent in the bubble.

Like all newly sober black men, I have taken to hustling chess in the park. I

a legend here.

Checkmate. I suppose this was inevitable, as I did not know the horsey

jump.

Now this is more like it. Drunk or sober, watching football with my boys

always be a blast.

It's second down, three yards to go. This second down is brought to you by

Casamigos Tequila.

Casamigos, the tequila for guys who want to buy houses next to each other in

Mexico. Hey, should we do that?

No can do, Peter.

I'm still underwater on two different timeshares in Panama City Beach.

What? How?

They said if I went to the timeshare presentation, they'd give me free Steve

Harvey tickets.

Well, how was the Steve Harvey show?

Do you promise not to laugh?

Of course. I got so excited about the concept of the flexible family vacation

that I forgot to get the tickets.

You promised!

Are you sure you want to do this, Bri?

Fox News has a history of twisting the truth to fit their agenda.

Look, we may not agree on much, but at least I'll get some air time to speak my

piece. All right, but if you get in trouble, just say Dominion three times.

That's their handyman.

We're on!

Welcome to Hannity. Our guest tonight, Brian Griffin, has something important

this nation needs to hear.

Thanks for having me, Sean. I'd like to talk about books. And how the woke mind

mob wants you to change them because the authors are white.

But you stood up to the vermin in Chicago and said, no bueno, Comrade

What? Uh -oh. Brian Skyron says Freedom Crusader, and there's a photo over his

shoulder of Hunter Biden's penis.

I just want books to be left alone.

This has nothing to do with the migrant crisis.

You're right. It has everything to do with it. Think about it. When you go to

the mall, what's the bookstore called?

Borders. That chain closed like 15 years ago.

Right. We should close the borders with chains.

You get it. By the way, this is an open carry studio.

Here's your gun.

Ah! Dominion! Dominion! Dominion!

Bok choy. That's a fun word to say.

Bok choy.

Yeah, that's fun, I guess.

Garbanzo. Also fun to say. Not bok choy level, but pretty close.

Yeah, garbanzo's great.

You know what makes a good napkin?

Chinette.

God, what happened to us? Now that we're sober, we don't got anything in common.

And why would we? Our group is a fat guy, a black dude, a sex pest, and a

wheelchair cuck.

We make no sense together.

I hate to say it, but I don't think we're cut out to be friends.

Peter's right.

Maybe we should just go our separate ways.

Spend time with our families.

Yeah, and I guess I gotta go see if I still have anything in common with other

black people.

They stopped midway because I said pickleball.

As a newly sober person, I'm often going to ask if it's OK that I say what a

nice time I'm having.

I'd rather you didn't. Hey, can I just say what a nice time I'm having right

now? Every time we do this, I wonder why we don't do it more. We're doing it

now. Yes, but there should be more times of us doing it.

Hey, you been hydrating, Lois? You gotta hydrate. It's the key to staying

hydrated. Stop saying hydrated!

Uh, Lois, you may want to go inside.

Hey,

look. Did you see this?

Your book, Faster Than the Speed of Love, is back on the shelves.

Really? Nice. With a new foreword by Ann Coulter. Less nice. And a very foreword

by Lauren Bobet. When I'm not rubbing my hand over a tented khaki, I'm curled up

with a copy of Brian Griffin's excellent book.

And does anyone know how Beetlejuice the musical ends?

My book is being co -opted by the right. It's gross.

And it's selling. It's number two on the neo -Nazi bestseller list, behind Ben

Shapiro's Tyranny, How the Radical Left Made Me Bad at Sex.

Hey, guys, good news. The thieves arrived.

Everyone to the vegetable patch.

What's going on?

Peter, we have something we need to say to you. Please sit down.

Okay.

This is an intervention.

But I already stopped drinking.

This is to get you to start again.

How dare you ambush me like this? I trusted you. And who's that guy?

Well, we've never held an intervention before, so Jax is here to help.

I was sober for years, Peter.

It was hell.

Every morning I'd wake up at home and nod in a bush.

I stopped at red lights like a bitch.

But through quitting therapy and shutting religion, I found the strength

drink again. And so can you.

Peter, your children have written letters to tell you how your sobriety

affected them.

Chris, go ahead.

It's been 12 days since you took a swing at our crossing guard.

Stop asking if I think I'm better than you. When I wrote this letter, I knew I

would be the relative reading it to you from a straight -back chair as opposed

to a couch.

This past week, I've had to spend more quality time with you.

But you always say you want that. I want to say I want that, and I want you to

come up short.

I can't handle this right now. I need to hydrate. Just a little agua to take the

air drop.

No, no, you can't hydrate.

You're right, okay.

I can't keep not drinking like this.

It's okay, baby. It's okay. You don't have to do this alone.

Let's go get tanked.

Together.

You're really going to pander to this extremist conference just to move some

books? I can't believe you're selling out like this. I'm not selling out. I'm

presenting my art in its rawest form.

But this place is full of weirdos. They erected a gallows to hang Barbies. And

look at how they're opening the event.

To honor our fallen insurrectionists, please observe a moment of violence.

Don't forget to hit the cops we love.

Thank you for your service.

And now, I'll read an excerpt from my book, Faster Than the Speed of Love.

Bigot! Cut his mic!

We don't want to hear your racist book.

We do.

Let him read his racist book.

It's not a racist book. The woke mob hates it. That means it's good.

Republicans like it. That means it's bad.

Hey,

back off.

Everybody shut up. You wimps want to edit any book that hurts your precious

feelings. And you freaks just want to ban books altogether.

There are bigger problems in this world than some stupid book.

Oh, my God. The dog author is right.

His book is stupid.

But that's not what I meant. The first six pages are a description of a lake.

The sex scene repeatedly uses the word honkers.

There's a map at the front that doesn't pay off. Every sentence starts with and

then. And then I'm a hack. We got it. You have brought us together, Brian

Griffin. We've both agreed to ban just one book.

Yours.

Well, looks like everyone hates you again, leaving you with just enough

political infamy to do $5 birthday greetings on Cameo.

Hey, Larry, sorry Vanessa dumped you, so from one dog who shit the bed to

another, happy birthday.

That's hilarious, Joe.

What is? I didn't do anything.

Doesn't matter. The point is, we're all together again.

But what about what you said before, that we have nothing in common? That

is just hiding the truth.

Yeah, but it's how you say it. Beer is hiding the truth.

The truth of what guy friends are. A random assortment of dudes bound by

Peter Stewie swallowed a Tide Pod. We're headed to St.

Christopher's. Come quickly and bring... To alcohol. It may tear families apart,

but it brings friends together.