Original subtitles

A famous 1924 campaign slogan was, keep cool with this man. Herbert Hoover.

Calvin Coolidge. Rita. Who is Calvin Coolidge? Yes.

Hands to the chief for 800, please. Hands up.

No, not your girlfriend.

I wasn't talking about her.

No.

Why would I do that? I mean, what does she have to do with it?

No, no, there is nothing I can do with it. You've got my freezer, Henry.

You've got to go. It's the last way to do it. The free men to serve as

in 1881.

Millard Fillmore.

Who is Chester Arthur? You are correct. Arthur Garfield.

Okay, actors and actresses. No, get it out of here.

I don't go out with her.

Saving the world.

It's not always as glamorous as it sounds.

Some days you're running through burning buildings, saving lives.

Other days, you're searching the city for a lost monkey.

Some mornings you wonder why you even bothered to get out of bed.

So how do you save the world?

I guess you try not to think too much and...

Just do it one monkey at a time.

Mikey? Mikey?

Here, monkey, monkey, monkey.

The things I got to do, I got to check on monkey.

Hey, monkey.

Mikey?

I'm talking to you, Mikey.

All right, I hear you.

Hold on, I'm coming.

Mikey?

Mikey?

What if you knew, beyond a doubt, what was going to happen tomorrow?

What would you do?

There's no easy answer for a guy who gets tomorrow's news today.

That's interesting.

It says here they're going to close the food world down the street.

They're opening one of those bargain barn superstores.

It says here it should open next March.

Hon. Hmm?

I've already read the paper.

Oh. Wow.

I just have to say so.

I just did.

Gary's paper.

Do you have any idea what time it is?

Yeah, it's about two minutes after the last time you asked me, which makes it

what? 8 .47.

Look, Chuck, I know you're worried. Worried? I am not worried. I am annoyed.

Annoyed? Yeah. We are running a business here, okay? I have things to discuss

with Gary.

Business things.

And I think it's a little careless of him not to at least leave a note.

You know, back in ten minutes. Back next week. Back next year. I am never coming

back. Whatever.

You're worried. I am not.

Gary? Chunko, is that you?

Who is this?

Bernie. Bernie Hobson.

Bernie. Bernie, I can barely hear you.

Gotta keep my voice down.

These walls have ears.

Uh, nothing. Nothing at all.

Don't give me nothing.

Where's Gary?

He's... out.

That's what I was afraid of.

I got the paper.

You what?

That's right. The paper, the furball, the whole nine yards. Right here on my

front porch.

Bernie got his paper.

Are you sure it's tomorrow's?

Of course I'm sure. It's right here in black and white. Now, where's Gary?

We don't know. He didn't show up this morning.

He didn't call. He didn't... Right? Nothing. All right, all right. Keep your

pants on.

I got the great ghost all gassed up and I'm on my way.

I'll be there in 180 minutes.

170 if the bladder holds up.

We're going on a trip.

I can't believe he got the paper.

Sorry, hon, you need to potty?

What are you doing?

You know, you gotta give it to these commies.

They make a hell of a cigar.

We've talked about this.

What's that?

Smoking in the house.

Are you kicking me out?

What? Are you giving me the boot?

I didn't, I just... All right, I get the message. You don't have to tell Bernie

Hobson twice.

And four.

Over and out. Bernie, what is the matter with you? You don't want me stinking up

the house with my fumes?

Fine. But... You cannot unsay what's already been said.

Where did that cat come from?

Bye, Lois. Where are you going?

He came down to the bar before he left for the day, but he didn't tell you

he was going.

I don't remember.

Chuck was on the phone. I was on the phone.

Didn't you hear anything he said, Chuck? I didn't even know he was there.

Brilliant.

Heads up, sports fans.

Bernie's back.

Bernie! Chucko!

What are you doing here? 150 miles? How'd you get here so fast?

Good lane choices and proper metabolic management.

Marissa. Hey, Bernie. It's been too long.

Have we met?

Briefly.

All right, enough idle chit -chat. We got a crisis here.

Yeah. What am I missing? Somebody fill me in.

That's all we know. We haven't heard from him since yesterday.

Strange. May I please?

Hands off the paper.

What did the cops say? We didn't call the cops.

Well, why the hell not? Get me a phone.

Waste of time.

Excuse me? The cops can't do anything until someone's been missing for 48

And what are the facts here?

We got a good -looking kid who didn't come home last night.

What I'm saying here is that it's not beyond the realm of human possibility

the young man is out having himself a good time.

You mean Gary?

The man is a monk.

Wait a minute.

He's right. The kid's a chip off the old block. He's a Hobson. He's got my

genes. He's got my glands. I've been there myself.

But, um, Gary...

So responsible.

The man leaves a message if he goes to the john. It's obvious the kid is out

racking up some R &Rs and he's lost touch of time.

Now, the paper has chosen me to pinch hit for him. See this story?

Suicide jumper leaps.

Somebody out there needs me. Why you?

Why not me?

Why don't I take the paper while you stay here and wait for Gary to call?

If anybody should fill in for Gary, it should be moi, not toi.

Chucko, the paper came to me.

I'm his best friend.

I'm his old man.

Okay. Partner, forget it. Come on, Vern, it'll be fun.

Just you and me, pal. Yeah, sure. You can wait in the car.

Oh, boy.

Jersey Carpathian?

How do you know my name?

Don't do this.

Who are you?

Bernie, I'm your friend.

No, don't come any closer.

Come closer. I jump, I slide, I do it. This is not the answer.

That's it?

That's all you got?

You climb up onto ledge with suicidal man, and all you have to offer is, this

not the answer?

Okay, okay. How about things aren't as bad as they look?

How do you know?

You don't know. But how do you know things are worse than they look? Ten

worse than they look?

Then go ahead and jump.

Quickie! His name is Chuck Fishman. He's a major pain in the ass.

That's why I told you to stay downstairs.

I missed this.

Are you crazy?

Go on, do it.

And do a somersault on your way down.

We'll even give you a score.

What the hell are you doing?

It's called tough love.

I thought in a place where my gig fish would now butt out.

Just leave me alone.

It's about a girl, isn't it? No.

She threw you out of the house.

Changed all the locks. Told you she needed her space.

It's not girl.

It's age. It's a guy.

That's okay.

Chicago's a very open city.

We all watch that show, Ellen.

I should have gone to the bridge.

I thought the roof would be more private.

Who comes to the roof?

Jersey! And then,

kaboom, black.

The two of them liquefied all over the pavement.

What? Well, that's what would have happened if the rescue squad hadn't

with that giant air mattress.

I don't like this!

You called him, didn't you?

Oh, yeah, I did.

I figured between you and Bernie, that jumper didn't have a chance.

Where's Bernie, anyway?

It's all right, people.

It's all right. No need to panic. Everything is under control.

Get this man away!

This man's lunatic. He should be on medication.

Nothing unusual here.

Just a concerned citizen looking out for his fellow man. All right, buddy. You

know what they say. It takes a village.

Name, please.

Bernie. Bernie Hobson. H as in hero. What were you doing on the roof, Mr.

Hobson?

What do you mean, what was I doing on the roof? What did it look like I was

doing on the roof? Tell you the truth. Looked like you pushed that fellow off

the roof.

Are you kidding me?

I saved that fellow's life.

Jersey.

Jersey, tell this guy.

I saved your life, right?

Jersey man, stay away from me.

Jersey man.

So he was arrested?

Why didn't you bail him out?

I tried. I went down to the station house. I couldn't find him.

He's deep in the bowels of the system.

Basic intake.

They give him a number, take his picture, take his prints, check him for

delouse him for headlights.

Then he can bail him out. The whole thing takes about eight hours.

Thank you for sharing.

Gary disappears.

Bernie's arrested.

What's next?

Hi,

little guy.

Are you lost? Where'd you come from?

Make yourself at home.

Excuse me. I'm looking for my husband, Bernie Hobson. I need to know his

condition and which hospital you sent him to. Ma 'am, I don't know who you're

talking about. My husband, Bernie Hobson. He was shot here yesterday. I

it's a big city. Nobody was shot here. But it says so right here in the

newspaper. Lois.

Bernie.

Are you all right? What are you doing here?

Oh, are you okay? They said you got shot.

Shot? I didn't get shot. Who said I got shot?

It said so. It was front page story.

What? story.

Right here in the Chicago Sun -Times.

Are you in some sort of trouble?

Does it say who shot me?

Um, a vagrant, a kook. I don't know. I didn't read it that closely. I mean,

honestly, Bernie, sometimes I don't think I know you anymore.

You don't tell me where you're going. You sign us up for a Chicago newspaper

you get shot. You don't call. Gun!

Get down!

But the papers didn't... We should

talk.

Our son gets tomorrow's newspaper today.

And a cat.

I know it's a lot to wrap your mind around.

The future, the past, this whole time and space thing, but...

But if you sit with it for a little bit and start thinking about it... And

you've known about this for how long?

Well, for about a year. You know, since the last time I visited Gary. And during

that time, you didn't say a thing. Not one word.

Wait a minute. Is that what's bothering you?

I'm your wife, Ernie.

Granted. But what about the fact that it's impossible to get tomorrow's paper

today? Doesn't that just shake you up a hair with any teensy -weensy bit?

No, I find a lot of things in this world incomprehensible. But my husband should

know. Come on, Lois. I can't believe you didn't tell me. He's my son, too.

I know, I know.

Oh, no. You had to just go off and have your own little adventure alone. Any

excuse to leave the house. Come on, Lois. Don't start that.

This has become a pattern with you, Bernie. It is not a pattern. This is not

like any other time.

This is about our son. Exactly.

Our son.

Now, do you think if I found out that our son could predict the future, that I

would hold that back from you?

Answer the question.

I didn't think you could handle it.

Mrs. Hopson, what about your husband?

Aren't you going to post bail?

Keep him.

Mrs. Hobson, how are you? It's good to see you. Chuck, how long have you known?

Known about what?

The paper. How long?

I don't believe this.

Everybody's getting it but me.

You've known about this from the very start, haven't you?

It's Gary's fault.

He wouldn't let me tell anyone.

I wanted to. I begged him. I pleaded. I said, Gary, at least tell your mother.

She deserves it, I said. But he wouldn't listen to me. You know how stubborn he

could be. Chuck.

I have this condition.

The doctors call it crap intolerant. I can only take so much BS before I

explode.

Does my son pay you to mix drinks or smirk at the customers?

A little of both.

Can I get you something?

Yeah.

How about an over -under Indian leg breaker? You think you can whip up one

those? With oregano or without?

With.

Mary Crumb.

Lois Hobson.

Pleased to meet you.

So we told Bernie the whole story. He said not to worry that Gary probably met

someone. Who?

An old girl or something like that. But that's what he said. He said, you know,

Gary is just a chip off the old block.

And you believed him?

Yeah. A guy answering Gary's description was seen on the corner of Broadway and

Lawrence a couple of days ago.

Apparently he was directing traffic around a fuel spill.

Sounds like Gary.

A friend of mine is a detective. He was 13.

The meet is there in about an hour.

Do you know a bar, the Green Mill?

Yeah, what about it? Is that on the way?

Yeah, why?

I didn't... Did you just start? Give us a second, please.

He doesn't know?

He has no idea. Now, let me see.

Barroom bra leaves one.

So, um...

This is the way Gary does it, right? He just, he finds a story and then he goes.

That's it.

Well, I have to admit it's a bit exciting.

Who wants a piece of Anatoly?

Prepare to suffer the wrath of the angry Calvary.

Hey! Uh -oh.

All right, you guys have had your fun.

Game's over.

Come on.

Put the little guy down.

Come on.

Right, down.

What are you saying to yourself?

Go on, what's the matter with you guys? Get out of here.

And you, what the hell were you thinking of?

Nobody calls Anatoly Carpathian little guy.

You want to stop someplace else? We'll go find your son.

So, Jersey, let me in on a secret. Why'd you do it? Why did you jump?

You ever hear of the four Carpathians?

No.

That is why.

Nobody has heard of us. So what are you, a circus act or something?

Aerialism. My brother and me.

We did the trapeze, the high wire, and the spectacular Carpathian catapult, on

which patent is pending.

Hey, that sounds great.

Back home in Latvia?

We are the hope of our village.

They send us to America to become famous so that we can send money back home so

they can build hospitals, schools, maybe even a video store.

They say, go.

Go, share your gifts with the world.

The world doesn't want our gifts.

They want tigers.

They want dancing girls.

They want clowns.

We paint faces.

We make no money.

Still, our village suffers.

But we Carpathians, we are hearty people.

We keep trying.

Until one year ago Tuesday, my brother Carl

announced he's quitting.

No. He's going to California.

He has no dream.

Wants to be in commercial.

Wants to be a man to say, got milk on TV.

We say, go, get milk.

We succeed without you.

Well, four Carpathians, failure.

Three Carpathians, big failure.

Our big mistake is we don't stick together.

It's like they say in my village.

Carpathian.

You lost me there, Jairus.

Translated means, for one Carpathian to fly.

All Carpathians must fly!

is this man?

This man.

This man. He saved my life.

He is like brother to me.

Brother!

I'm working on it. I'm working on it. Good luck.

Three eyewitnesses put Gary here the day before yesterday.

None of them saw where he went.

For what now?

Well, Let's get some copies made of Gary's picture.

We'll get lucky. You'll see.

Marion?

That man.

Yeah, what about him?

The scarf.

That's Kim's scarf.

You sure? Yeah, I made it for him three years ago. It's Gary's.

Hey, buddy, hold up.

Hang on a second.

Oh, come on. Whoa!

I don't believe this!

Don't worry.

We'll find him.

Just stand there.

Why don't you go get some help, huh?

I'm looking for a monkey and I'm talking to a cat.

Now, it seems to me that you guys have a marketing problem.

Have you ever tried direct mail?

Who can afford postage?

Bernie! Hey! How you doing? Hey, Chaco!

Good to see you.

I'm getting out.

You got my bail? Uh, no, but I got your lunch.

Yoki, your favorite.

You're not bailing me out? I wanted to, Vern, but it actually wasn't up to me.

Lois. Yeah, she gave me specific instructions that under no circumstances

to bail you out.

My advice?

Apologize. I can't do that. Sure you can.

Just tell her that whatever you did, you're sorry, that you were wrong. I was

not wrong.

Okay, fine.

It's none of my business.

Enjoy your lunch.

Hey. Did he apologize?

Not in so many words, but he was thinking about it. I could tell. You

it in his eyes.

Listen, I really think you should reconsider.

I mean, you should see his cellmates. I think they put him in the psycho ward.

He'll survive.

Tough cookie, Lois.

Shot by a convenience store clerk.

The robber, Theodore Carpathian, died at the scene.

Carpathian?

Why do I know that name?

Hey, can I help you? Give me all your money.

Whoa, whoa, easy there. What do you think you're doing, man? This is it.

me. I'm looking for some deodorant.

I do not work here.

The roll -on kind about this big musk -scented...

Like the one you have under your shirt.

What? He's holding me up with anti -first print.

That is lame.

I do not know what you're talking about. Get away.

Theodore.

How do you know my name?

Drop the deodorant. No, I need money.

You're going to get hurt.

I do not care.

My brothers are in jail. They count on me to bail them out.

Theodore, let me ask you one question.

If your mother were here, What would she say?

She would say, this is no way for Carpathian to act.

Go ahead, call police.

Look, buddy, why don't you just move along?

I want to go to jail. I want to be with my brothers.

Theodore, this is America.

You only go to jail if you commit a crime.

Well, what about now?

Careful. Easy does it.

There you go.

This is what we call the Tower of Carpathia. What do we do now?

Now, we sing.

Give me land, lots of land, under starry skies above.

Don't fence me in.

Let me ride through the wide open country that I love.

Don't bench me, Ian.

Brothers, have you replaced me already?

It is like failing a union right here in American prison.

Brothers!

Brothers!

Brother!

Slow, Leonard.

Tell me the truth.

In your professional opinion, do you think something's happened to Gary?

Don't take this the wrong way now.

Your kid is a little different.

Strange things seem to happen when he's around. I'm getting used to that.

You didn't answer my question.

You want to know what I think?

Someone or something is looking out for that kid.

It'll be fine. You'll see.

Oh, I feel like I'm trespassing. It's been so long.

So you don't visit a lot, huh?

We drifted. The whole family.

I think we've been drifting ever since Gary left home.

Are you married, Mr. Crumb?

Was.

Evan died 13 years ago.

Lung cancer.

Did you and Evelyn... Did you ever run out of things to talk about?

Not yet.

You know, Bernie and I, we've been married a very long time.

I think we're falling apart.

I think he's bored with me.

I'm not going to buy that.

You're not the kind of woman that men become bored of.

That's my professional opinion.

Phone call.

Gary's credit card turned up on a trade.

How long ago?

It's being used right now.

Okay, you got ten pre -washed, ten stone -washed, ten unwashed, loose -fit, easy

-fit, and you want these.

Baggy -fit.

Very big with the kids.

Yes, ma 'am.

I'm just waiting on an authorization on your credit card.

Computer's slow.

Do you have your driver's license on you, Mr.

Hobson? Oh, I'm sure he does.

But it's not his.

You Gary Hobson?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I'd like you to meet your mother.

I don't care if you stole it, okay?

I don't care if you ripped off a busload of nuns.

All I want to know is, where did you find the wallet?

This is getting old, friend.

We got a guy out there who's been missing for a couple of days now. He

hurt. He might be worse than hurt.

And all I got to work with is you.

Listen, you don't realize how lucky you are.

The only reason you're sitting here instead of in the station house right

because I've got a couple of good friends down there.

Now, I need to know where you found the wallet, and I need to know now.

Where's Bernie? Well, I meant to bail him out. I really did.

I mean, we're very close to finding Gary. Bernie should be here, but... What

happened? Well, he gave me an ultimatum. He said he wouldn't let me bail him out

unless I bailed out his friends, too.

Yeah, but what friends are you talking about? The Carpathian brothers.

Hello. What are you going to do about your husband?

Well, I only had enough money for three.

It was an easy choice. I hate ultimatums.

How's it going?

The man is a vault.

Nothing gets in, nothing gets out.

I think we're going to have to hand him over.

I don't believe it!

I don't believe it!

Brother!

Brother!

You make it to California?

Did you get milk?

I got as far as Arizona, so Grand Canyon had epiphany.

It is brothers who matter.

I have been looking for you ever since.

So you got a voice after all. What are you doing here?

We caught him with a stolen credit card.

I was buying jeans for the entire village.

Ask him where he found the damn wallet.

Is it true, Mrs. Hobson?

Carl's still wallet?

Well, he did have my son's credit card.

We just need to know where he found the wallet, Jersey. My son's missing. We

need Carl's help.

I ask him.

Carl.

He say he find the wallet on the sidewalk in front of theater, just

there. He thought it was gift from God.

He don't rob anybody. He not even see anybody.

Can you take us there?

Carl,

a woman?

Yeah. We gonna?

Yeah. Okay, look, I'll stay here and I'll wait in case Gary calls.

Come on, let's get going.

Sam, we'll be at you.

Anyone in here? Gary!

We've got to find some light. Mothers, look at this place.

What is this? Smell.

Just sit tight, honey.

They still work.

You're going to be all right. Don't worry, we'll get you down.

Good. You better hurry up, because I think this thing is about to fall.

Don't move.

That's creative advice.

I heard that.

I've been trying not to move here for two days.

Look, we've got to get somebody up there, but how?

We need a rope, a ladder. We need to stack something up. It must be 20 feet

there. We need a catapult or something.

Did someone say catapult? Yes.

The Carpathian brothers are here to help.

Come on, brothers. Let's get to work. Oh, dear.

What's going on down there? Just hold on, Gary.

What's going on down there?

Jersey, more height.

I will need a volunteer from the audience.

You, sir, how much do you weigh?

Excuse me?

Come on, you're not going to make me guess, are you?

210, 220.

All right, 250.

Perfect.

What do I got to do?

You get on Carl's shoulders, you jump, I fly.

No, no, I don't jump. Okay, I get on Carl's shoulders, I jump, you fly.

I'll jump.

Very good.

Very easy. Quickly.

You go.

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together.

Hey, hey, hey. Let's just get on with it, huh?

Easy, easy.

Hold steady now, policeman.

Hey, come on. What's going on?

Now.

Got you. Oh, my.

Do you think this is going to work?

Oh, don't worry. She's done it a million times. It'll work.

All right.

Turn around. Three steps.

He's coming down.

Gary.

What?

You slide, I catch.

I fly, what are you, nuts?

No. Guess not.

Come on. Trust me.

Be careful.

That's good.

That's fine.

We got

him. Okay.

All right, brother.

Get ready to dismount. Dismount? What?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Oh, we've got to get you home. We've got to clean you up. I'll get you some good

hot soup. Wouldn't that be good? Yeah, that would be great. Where's Dad?

Dad. You know what?

Let's talk about all that on the way home.

Okay. The important thing is... You're gone. You're gone.

You can't be here.

I yelled until I was hoarse.

I'll tell you, it was a very good performance.

Yeah, well, in the future, when you see signs saying do not enter, remember,

you're there for a reason.

Yeah, all just because of a monkey.

Well, you made a lot of kids happy, Gary.

Great. And some kid found the monkey and returned it to school.

See that, Gary? In the primate world, you're still number one.

All right, what do you say we get out of here? Let the kid get some rest.

Come on. All right.

You get some rest. You deserve it, you little monkey lover, you.

Sleep well.

Hey,

Crumb. Yo.

Listen to my parents.

What about them?

They seem all right to you.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, they seem... Listen.

Your parents are fine.

They were just worried about you, that's all.

Trust me. They'll be okay.

Get some rest.

Hey, Crumb.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Don't let me down, huh?

What's that all about?

As long as you haven't said two words to me since you bailed me out.

Oh, you want to talk now.

What's that supposed to mean?

Every morning since you've been retired, you could have talked to me then.

Every night I lay right beside you in bed. You could have talked to me then,

you had to read your books and your magazines and ESPN.

You want to talk now.

Well, maybe I don't want to listen.

Fine.

You don't want to listen?

I'm going to tell you anyway.

You were right all along.

I did want to have an adventure on my own.

I should have told you about Gary in the newspaper, but... You didn't think I

could handle it.

I've never seen you in a situation you couldn't handle. You're the most capable

woman I ever met.

What is it? What's going on?

What's going on is that... You're better at this kind of thing than I am.

What kind of thing?

Saving a day, being a hero. It's right up your alley.

Don't you see it? You're the reason that Gary gets the newspaper.

Because deep down, that boy is just like you.

What's going on is that you don't need me anymore.

Bernie. I don't do anything anymore.

You're retired.

You've earned the right to relax. I don't want to relax.

I want to be a hero. Every now and then, I want to go out and try and save the

day.

So when the newspaper fell on our porch, I just thought it was my opportunity to

see if I still had what it takes.

Look at you. You're still as beautiful as you were the day that we met.

Do you really mean that?

Of course I mean it.

And look at me. I'm losing a step.

I go down to the Y. I can't go to the hoop like I used to.

Oh, you'll always be a high school senior to me.

You mean that?

Absolutely. You are my hero.

You always will be.

Oh, God, I love you. Oh, I thought I bored you.

Are you kidding me? I spent all my time trying to keep up with you.

Let's just say goodnight to Gary.

Hey, I got a better idea.

Let's not.

By the way, the Chicago Sun -Times is actually a real newspaper.

In fact, they produced special versions of it just for the show.

David Hasselhoff may have hung up his life jacket, but he's in deep water this

afternoon with the case of the Lady and the Lake.

That's our Perry Mason season continuing next this afternoon.