Original subtitles

I finally nailed him.

That ain't no bomber.

Get him out of here.

Good morning. It's Christmas Eve day here in Chicago. Time to hang that

mistletoe and hit those stores.

The temperature stands at a chilly 33 degrees, but forecasters are calling for

things to warm up for Santa's arrival tonight.

In the news today, police continue their search for the elusive teddy bear

bomber who has terrorized Chicago for almost three weeks.

Working on anonymous tips... Hey, buddy!

Merry Christmas!

What's that?

It's a tree.

Call it a tree?

I bought it for you.

You bought that?

Well, it fell off a truck.

I'm touched.

I knew you would be.

Wow, I see you've gone all out with the holiday trimmings. It looks very festive

in here, very decorative.

Thank you.

I haven't exactly had much time to do things.

I see. You're in denial.

It's understandable.

How's that?

Well, it's your first Christmas alone, divorced.

Living on top of a hotel.

No social life.

Must be rough.

Thank you very much for reminding me of that, Chuck.

Fortunately, I have a cure for your nagging midwinter blues.

Yep. What's that?

Ta -da!

Lift tickets to wind dance, buddy.

You get ski tickets.

You and me out on the slopes Christmas Eve.

Couple of babes in stretch pants.

I got my car back and waiting downstairs. Let's go pack a bag!

You got ski tickets? Yep.

Here.

Here.

I can't go.

Why not?

What do you mean, why not? I can't go.

Come on, Gare. One night out of town. What is the big deal? What's the big

You know what the big deal is. I'm stuck with this thing.

People need help on the holidays. This holiday, I'm stuck serving up the help.

Not if you're not there to do it, right?

I had an uncle who killed himself on Christmas.

Really?

Whoa, is he depressed?

No. Just stuck his fork in the toaster.

All I'm saying is, Gary, you have the right to enjoy yourself.

Everyone does.

Uh -huh.

What are you doing tonight?

Waiting for Santa.

Santa?

Yeah, why?

So, you actually believe in Santa Claus?

In theory, at least.

In theory, you believe that there's some fat guy in a red suit who flies around

on a sled and hangs out with a bunch of elves.

Yeah, Mr. Grinch, and what do you believe in?

Presents.

I'll come back later.

Thanks, Gidget.

Listen, Gary, are you going to go with me or not?

Come on, the world can take care of itself for a day.

I don't think I'm going to make it.

An explosive device hidden inside a child's toy teddy bear detonated today

Bicentennial Skating Rink in downtown Chicago.

The explosion, which occurred at 10 .45 in the morning, killed 20 holiday

skaters and injured 50 more.

Police revealed that the bomber left a note in the wreckage.

But officials refused to divulge the contents.

Now he's going to become a murderer.

I'm going to need your help, Chuck.

Fine, fine. You save the world. Me? I'm going skiing.

And do what? Chase around a bunch of bunnies?

You got it.

Uh -huh.

Look, this is too big. I'm going to need some help. I'm telling you.

Qualified help.

Yeah? And where are you going to get that?

I almost hate to say it.

Say it anyway.

Well... No, no, I don't want to hear it.

All I want to know is who is this guy?

Three weeks on this case, he's running us ragged.

The mayor wants action.

Said he bears my butt. Go on, get out of here.

Sir?

What is it? The mayor's on the phone.

Again.

Tell him I'm dead.

Yes, sir.

And there's someone to see you.

What kind of someone?

Says he knows things about the bomber.

Oh, of course he does.

Everybody knows things about this bomber except me. Tell him to beat it.

He also says he knows you.

Me? What's his name?

Hobson.

Remember me?

Oh, no.

Nice beard, polyester.

Hey, Santa, get yourself a real job, huh?

Excuse me.

Is this your vehicle?

Yes, it is.

Nice. Thank you.

I'm going to see you. I don't think so.

Excuse me. You're coming downtown with us.

Scoff law violation.

We're impounding your car.

Yes,

sir. This morning?

That's right, 10 .45.

But it hasn't happened yet?

No. But it's going to, you sure?

Yes. And you know this because... Well, I'd rather not say. Because if you did,

I wouldn't believe you.

Who put you up to this anyway?

What? Some guy with a sick sense of humor? Some comedy guy?

No, I'm telling you the truth. Oh, sure you are.

Like all the other 87 hot tips we got today, huh? No.

Look, this one is real. People are gonna die. I'm just trying to help you here.

No, of course you are, Mrs. Flatt.

Look, do me a favor.

Go help somebody else, huh?

Get him out of here.

Look, this is gonna happen today, Crump. He's gonna leave a note.

Did you say a note?

Okay, talk.

About what?

About the note.

Where is it?

What's it like?

What's it say? Look, I don't know.

All I know is that it's found in the wreckage. Oh.

Like these were?

No one.

Not even the press knew about these. We were keeping a secret. Now, who told

you?

I can't tell you. Eight of these.

In three weeks, all addressed to me.

Ha, ha, ha.

Fooled you.

This guy's giving me a headache.

Well, look, I'm sorry about that, but what do you want me to do? You're sorry?

What about me?

This is Christmas Eve.

I should be home with my kids.

Instead, I'm sitting around with some guy who thinks he's the amazing Kreskin.

And what's worse, I'm even starting to believe them.

Now, is that nuts?

Don't answer that.

It's a bicentennial gating link in less than an hour.

Yeah.

Now, we're staying here.

Sir, Mayor's calling again.

All right, look, Bob's squad is SWAT. They're lots of communication.

And warn the locals that we're coming in. But keep it quiet. I don't want to

cause a panic. Excuse me, shouldn't you evacuate the rink over there? On what

grounds? A little birdie told me?

A little birdie. Look, people get cranky when you shut down their business on a

hunch.

Show me your bomb and then we'll talk.

Me?

No, I don't know where the bomb is. I don't know exactly where it is. Fine,

on along for the ride. We'll have a lot of fun.

Oh, no, no, no. Listen, Charlie.

Gary. It's Gary.

Whomever. You're not walking until I find this S .O .B. You want to guess

Because it might be me.

Bingo. It might be you. Get in the car.

Shouldn't you be solving murders or prosecuting drug dealers or something?

This is ridiculous.

Who's this?

Fishman Charles.

Chuck, as my good friend the congressman calls me.

Which congressman?

All of them.

Look, Sergeant, there's obviously been some sort of mistake here.

These Nazis took my car.

Now, I am willing to overlook... What's he in for?

Parking tickets.

See what I mean?

Parking tickets.

How many?

106.

Okay, so I park a lot.

It's a big city. It happens.

You know, mail and schedules. I've been so busy lately, as I'm sure you have.

To tell you the truth, I thought I already paid.

So, just tell me what the fine is, I'll pay it, and I'll be gone.

Too late for that.

Okay, then bail. How much is bail? A couple of hundred? A grand?

I'll write you a check right now, okay? And then next week, after I'm off the

slopes... That's up to the judge.

Judge?

Where?

Court convenes early Thursday morning.

That's the day after tomorrow.

What is this, some sort of joke?

A little yuletide humor?

Think of it as your personal manger.

You can't do this.

This isn't Bolivia.

I'll call Johnny Cochran.

Oh, great.

This is just perfect.

Think you got a problem?

I'm late for work.

Yeah? And who are you?

Santa Claus.

Hey, this is it. How much time we got? Fifteen minutes, maybe less.

You sure you don't want to change your story? No, this is going to happen.

me. Yeah, I was afraid of that.

Look, Crumb, can't we get these people out of here just to be on the safe side?

You like skating?

Huh? They like skating. They came here to skate.

Let's look around first, okay?

Yo, you better look back!

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Hey, Aunt Marge.

It's me, Chuck Fishman. How are you?

Your nephew, remember?

Yeah. Hey, Merry Christmas.

Yeah, that's right, the scrawny one. Listen, Aunt Marge, I'm in a bit of a

here, and... No, no, no, I'm not coming to visit. Uh -huh. I'm in jail, and I've

called everyone I know, and... Hello?

Marge?

Cut off?

Hung up.

She's like that.

Who?

Marge.

You know my aunt?

Well, I know everyone.

Been to the house.

Oh, that's right, because you're, uh... Uh -huh.

Hey! Can someone get in here?

I'd like to make a complaint!

Sergeant! His name's Eddie.

We used to call him Stinker when he was eight. Don't bring it up.

He's sensitive.

Hello!

Problem here?

Yeah, I got a problem.

When do I get out of this rat trap?

Once you run through your files, the computer's down right now. Well, get it

back up.

Have a little patience. It's Christmas Eve.

Give me that cellular phone. This is a jail.

Hey, hey, hey.

What's with this guy?

Breaking and entering.

They picked him up on a rooftop trying to sneak down a chimney.

Meant to clean the whole place out.

It's not how it looked.

Look, I don't want to seem pushy, but I need to be going. See, my sleigh's due

to pick me up in a half hour in the park.

And then where, the North Pole?

Oh, Thailand.

You know how it is. Once you get behind on a gig like this, you're fruitcake.

Well, a lot of kids are going to be disappointed.

You really believe this, don't you?

I think you're out of your mind.

Then you're gonna get a lump of coal.

Anything yet? No sign of it anywhere.

Your chain of lockers? Doing it now.

Well?

We just gotta keep looking. It's gotta be here somewhere.

Of course it is.

Unless, of course, it ain't.

What's happening?

Meaning maybe it's here, maybe it's not.

Maybe it's on the moon.

Maybe you're the bomber. Or maybe I'm just out of my mind. Well, that's a good

possibility. Let me tell you.

Nothing. All right, we're out of here.

You have some explaining to do.

What are you talking about? You can't leave.

Try me.

Look, people are going to die, Crumb. Yeah, me from frostbite. I'm going to

out of here.

Crumb, the bear.

For the second time.

I don't see any list.

Oh, it's in my head.

It would take forever to put something like that down on paper.

It's easier this way.

It's kind of like that movie Rain Man.

Well, go ahead. You know, quiz me.

I don't have time for your stupid games. Of course you do.

You're in prison.

Go ahead.

Any name.

Try it.

Martin Gorolowitz.

Naughty. What?

Four years in a row.

Next.

Igor Strasovsky.

Which one?

The one in Budapest.

Father, son.

Son. Nice.

See, it's really not that hard.

See, I'd scramble the letters, then alphabetize them into a code.

Then how do you get there?

Where? Two billion homes in one night.

Oh, yeah, well.

It's really not that hard if you work the time zones.

See, it's tomorrow in Asia when it's yesterday here.

Of course, you have to wear a lot of watches to keep it all straight, but you

kind of get used to that.

And also, of course, those reindeer go like bats out of hell.

Help!

Dear Detective Crump, watch out for tin ice.

Was it some kind of a joke?

I think it's a pun.

I think it's a pun.

You know, ice.

Thin ice.

Get out of here.

You know what I think? I think this is getting personal.

Look, something's wrong. It was supposed to explode.

Yes? The bomb. It was supposed to explode, but there's no bomb.

Very astute observation.

Look, this guy, he's following us. Whoever he is, he knows where we're

What are you doing?

Looks like snow.

You got any feeling about that, one way or the other?

About what?

Because if you did...

You could be a weatherman instead of, you know, a deputy sheriff. You still

don't believe me, do you?

Look, I'm letting you go. Not that I don't sell my suspicions. It's just that

you're making me crazy with this should be, supposed to be. I mean, what are

you, one of those magic eight balls? Look, Crumb, all I'm trying to do is

you out here. Do me a favor.

Don't.

All right, I won't.

Merry Christmas, you old goat.

Goodbye stretch pants.

Goodbye fireplace.

Goodbye weekend in heaven.

You're pretty broken up about this, aren't you?

Wouldn't you be?

My car's in hock, my life is a mess, and I'm stuck here in jail with a raving

lunatic on Christmas Eve.

Things just never work out for you, do they?

Who asked you?

Problem is, you don't believe.

Could you just shut up?

Too bad.

You started out as a good kid, as I remember.

Of course, that's some time ago, and there was that Christmas, and you were

nine.

Wrong. I was eight. Shows you how much you know.

No, you were nine, I'm sure of it. Eight. Nine. Eight.

Are you absolutely positive? I was eight when I asked for the sled.

Fine, and you were eight.

And all you got is that sled.

What kind was it again?

L .L. Bean.

Nah, flexible flyer.

The one with the fins on the back?

Nah, you're making that up.

You're pretty good at this, aren't you?

I try to be.

But you didn't get it, did you, that sled?

It went to someone else.

Inky Bowers.

Inky bars.

I never liked that kid.

You all wondered why I went to him.

Because you didn't believe.

See, there's a price you have to pay for that.

Not believing.

Big one.

Okay, that's enough. Let's just stop right there.

You're not Santa Claus. I'm not a dope. And I want out. Now!

Hello, Sergeant whatever your name is. I demand to be moved.

I have my rights, you know.

I want a new cell.

Hello.

Oh, my God.

Is he sick?

Hard to tell.

My guess is he's faking.

But I'll call a medic.

Oh, wait a minute. You're not going to leave me here alone with him, are you? I

mean, what if he spasms or something?

I'm really not very good with death.

Oh. No, I'm serious.

Hey, buddy.

Oh, man.

This has been some day.

Need to get to the sleigh.

What?

Waiting there.

Lincoln Park.

Gotta get there.

Otherwise, no good.

Oh, man, come on. What is this?

Okay,

nice try.

I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to make me help you get out of

here, is that it? Go to start coughing up blood.

Oh, no, don't do that. Kids, depending on me, need your help.

No, no need my help. No, no.

Okay, okay, fine, fine.

Cell number 38.

What's wrong with him? You're the paramedic. You tell me.

My teeth.

Anything else you want to tell me about? Like giant spiders or flying saucers?

No, just a bomb and a teddy bear. That's a few minutes better. What do we got?

We cleared the building, plus we got fighter trucks out in front. Anything

Yeah, my Christmas tree lights at home ain't working.

Get me some. A big fat guy, nothing that skinny wants.

Yes, sir.

So, this is where little Bertie told you the bomb was going to be?

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Are you the detective in charge here?

That's me.

Do you realize what you're doing?

You've shut down this store on the busiest day of the year.

So? So, the owner is very close to the mayor.

This time you're sure?

Yeah. No chance you're mistaken?

No.

Well, be sure to get red ones. And nothing that twinkles.

All right, come on, boys.

Tear them open.

I don't believe this.

What have you done?

You just broke out of jail.

I just broke out of jail?

Me, Chuck Fishman.

I busted Ster.

I'm a felon.

Relax.

You just did something nice.

I did?

You got a buck?

No, I don't have a buck. They took my wallet.

Oh, my God. They know who I am. What about your pocket? You got a quarter.

Oh, good.

Keep up the good work.

Oh, great. You know what? This is insane.

I mean, look at you.

You don't even look like the guy. Where's your beard?

You're a fake, just like all the rest of them.

What? What's wrong? What's wrong?

You're not believing again.

Oh, man.

Come on, take it back.

Okay. Okay, fine. Fine, I take it back, okay? I take it back. You gotta watch

out for that kind of stuff.

Okay.

All right.

Let's go.

No bomb.

You're sure? We're sure.

No bomb. No bomb.

It's too bad. Want us to start on the elephants?

Skip it.

Yes, sir.

Any thoughts?

I don't understand. It doesn't make any sense. It was supposed to be here.

Maybe I can help you out.

You see, I'm a policeman, and you're a lunatic.

That's why we got stuff coming out of our hair.

Furthermore, let me tell you. There's a phone call for you.

One guest, the mayor.

Correct.

You got three minutes to come up with an explanation. After that, I'm putting

you in a straitjacket.

I don't get it.

I got it. I'm dreaming.

This is all because of some hot sauce I ate. I doubt it. Any moment now, I'm

going to wake up and find myself laying in a gutter, drunk, which would be just

fine with me.

What are you doing?

We're going to need wheels.

You're stealing a car?

Oh, no, no, no, no. Look, I already got a record because of you, and I'm not

going to add grand theft larceny to the list.

Fine, go.

You betcha I'm going.

But remember this, if I am who I say I am, You're walking away from the one

chance in your life to do something good for the world.

That means anything to you?

Think it does?

Okay.

Get in.

Thought you said we were going to the park.

We missed it.

We need to meet at the next stop.

Where's that?

Cleveland.

All right, let's wrap it up.

86 to Dead Bears. Let's get out of here. Hey, Crumb.

Crumb, I found another note. Good for you.

You mean good for me. Don't you want to read it? No, thanks.

Well, I think you should. I think I know what's going on now.

Oh, that's nice. I'm thrilled.

You're thrilled? Tell it to the new guy.

Tell it to... Wait, wait.

What new guy?

The poor slob that they're going to bring in to handle this thing.

Me? I'm going to go home and hang Christmas lights.

You're going to... Wait a second.

You're off the case?

The mayor wants results.

I don't got them.

See ya.

Whatever happened to Cabbage Patch, Stiles?

I had a heck with it. I need a drink. Come on, you're buying.

Yeah, you do and you'll clean it up.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm great.

Christmas Eve.

I'm off the case.

Maybe out of a job.

That's 30 years out of the forest out of the garden. How could things be bad?

Merry Christmas.

Maybe you should get something to eat with that. Like what? Christmas crow?

Listen, you can't let this get to you. Giving up is not the solution. Who says

you want to spare his flight?

Somewhere out there, there's a guy planning on killing people.

With what? Love notes?

Sooner or later, he's going to succeed.

You know what gets me?

It's not this crummy bar or the fact that my bunions ate, or that I staked my

pension on a word of some nut that reads tea leaves.

What gets me is I'm never going to get a chance to see this guy's face.

I just wish I knew how he did it.

He was watching you.

What? Listen to what I'm saying.

This guy knew where we were. We thought we were following him, but we weren't.

He was following you.

Cat and mouse.

And you were the mouse.

All right, that shit, he kicked me off. I'm gonna track this guy down if it

takes me the rest of my life.

Excuse me?

Detective Crumb?

Yes. I have a message for you.

Nobody move!

Nobody moved.

Do you even know where you're going?

The highway.

The highway's down here?

It's a shortcut.

Go left at Angela Monaghan's house.

The one with the stucco chimney.

She's naughty.

Nice.

I'm Gary.

Gary who?

A friend of mine, Gary Hoffman.

Know him?

Matt. Okay. Tell me, what's different about him?

Different? Yeah, that's right.

If you're Santa Claus, you should know.

What's this?

He's got a mole on his armpit.

What else?

Batted 461 in Little League.

He gets tomorrow's paper.

Today. I bet you meant something unusual.

One more screen, and I'll set this thing off.

Tell him I mean it. Everybody be calm. He's not going to hurt you.

He came here for me. That's right, isn't it?

You betcha.

You want to tell me why?

I thought we should meet.

Fine.

Nice to meet you. Why don't we go outside and talk?

You were following me.

Of course I was following you. That's my job.

I knew.

You were helping him.

I saw you.

Some help.

But I fooled you, didn't I?

I did.

Yeah, I did.

But we won the game.

We won the game.

That's right.

That's right.

You won the game.

So why don't we end it right now?

Oh, because we haven't played the last round yet.

The part where we all go boom.

In, uh, 12 minutes.

Okay, I think I've got this thing figured out. What's that?

What we're gonna tell the cops.

Sorry. We plead insanity, okay?

Well, you or me?

We tell them you ate too many french fries.

You lost your mind.

You abducted me at gunpoint, right?

I don't approve a gun.

Except for the toy ones.

All right, fine.

A toy gun.

We call him up, and we turn ourselves in.

And then we sell the whole story to Oprah.

Holy cow, we might even end up ahead.

I wouldn't count on it.

This is the police.

Shut off your engine and put your hands on the dashboard now.

Act natural.

I am acting natural.

I mean, don't act like Santa Claus.

That's going to be hard.

Remember, French fries, Oprah, book deals, okay?

Right?

What are you doing?

I know them both.

Either of them is nice.

Oh, no, I think it's going quite well. All according to plan.

I hope he didn't forget anything.

You watch them.

I'll write the note.

Let's see.

This guy is not even a Snickers bar.

We gotta get him away from that bomb.

How do you suggest we do it, Ed? Ask him pretty please?

Uh,

rats, moles, bats, and weasels.

Yeah.

The hour has come.

All right, that's it. You gotta rush him.

On the three, you ready?

One, two.

I told you not to move!

I told you!

Okay.

I'll blow it now!

Because you stole it. I would go give it back. Yeah, right, and reindeer have

wings. Only when they're published.

Hey, you with the animal.

I think it's time we had a talk.

There's nothing to talk about.

Yeah, well, I got something to talk about.

I'm old.

I'm tired.

My feet are flat.

You want to blow me to pieces? Hey, go ahead.

I probably deserve it anyway.

But before you do, think about this.

It's Christmas Eve.

All over the world, people are getting ready for what I do not know.

Neither do they.

But it's important.

Something worth waiting for.

That's the same with these people here.

They all got someplace to go. Somebody who needs them.

Me?

I don't.

So why don't you let them go?

You don't want them.

You want me.

So come on. What do you say?

Make Santa happy.

Chuck, get the hell out of here now.

I can't.

Blow it now.

Drop your guns. The guy's got a bomb.

You heard him now.

He's got a bomb?

Christmas Eve?

That's naughty if I ever heard it. Look, please, do me a favor, hon. Just this

once, please.

Look, mister. Stand back.

Look, I know you don't want to do this. I know you really don't want to do this.

One more step, and I'll set it off.

Ralphie?

It's not my name.

You're Little Ralphie. No, I am not. I'm Howard Phillips.

Oh, that's right, Howard Phillips. I always got you two confused.

So, what are you doing here?

Well, what does it look like I'm doing?

Howie Phillips.

Who is this? I don't know.

You know, you used to be one of my favorite kids.

Nice.

Very consistent. Remember?

I got you your first chemistry set.

Oh, you remember? It had all those little test tubes.

Plus, I got you a teddy bear, too.

Then, oh, something happened.

Oh, what was it?

You're not really Santa.

Oh, that's what happened. You stopped believing.

I remember the day.

I was standing in a workshop, helping the elves make my cheesy sets, when all

a sudden I got this hurt.

You know, ache right in my heart, like some little piece of joy had suddenly

withered away.

Mrs. Claus said, it's indigestion, honey. But I knew better.

Someone has stopped believing, I said.

Where's my mother?

hurt me, you know?

I mean, you stopped writing me.

You stopped even thinking of me.

Didn't you?

Oh, can I see it?

Well, I'll give it back.

I promise.

That didn't sound too good.

Oh my God.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, that's right. We got the guy.

The city can awake from its nightmare of terror.

That's very good, Your Honor.

Merry Christmas to you, too.

Well, congratulations.

You're a hero.

I owe you one.

You, too.

Plus that bozo who went bang.

Well, take your stuff and get out of here.

Sir, he broke out of jail. You want to explain that to a board of inquiry?

Yeah.

Funny thing is, Still can't believe he's dead.

I mean, I know he came down in pieces, but a guy like that, he really believed

he was what he thought he was, you know, and you sort of have to admire that.

You bet, yeah.

Cynical me.

I thought he was just a cheap con.

My keys.

He stole my keys.

Your car was here an hour ago.

Somebody must have took it.

Yep.

I think this is for you.

It's magic.

At least it is if you believe.

Which, I guess, can happen to the best of us.

Merry Christmas!

Yes, same to you.

It all depends on being wise enough to know your heart.

And young enough.

Feel that old surprise.

I'm dreaming of a white

Christmas With every

Christmas card I write

May your days

be...