Original subtitles

♪ ♪

[Tina] "Francois was the handsomest

"and yet also sensitive-est

"blacksmith in the entire village of Horse-mandy.

"His flowing mane and taut haunches rippled

"with every strike of his hammer.

"And yet, as he watched the sparks fly,

Francois wondered if he could ever make sparks fly

in a romantic way."

[Linda] Tina, breakfast. Come on.

Oh, okay.

-There you are. -Sorry it took so long.

I was really in the zone with my latest Horse-torical Fiction.

Uh, yes, your illustrated erotic horse stories.

I mean, they're sensual, but they're also historical.

So it's classy. See? There's Gallop-leo.

-The astronomer. -[Gene] More like Gali-hay-oh!

-[Tina] There's William Studspeare. -[Linda] Oh, wow.

[Tina] There's Horse-imus. He's a gladiator.

A nice gladiator. He doesn't listen to the gladi-haters.

I don't if I even need to study history at school anymore.

And then, there's Francois.

Wow, he looks very strong.

Well, yeah, he's a blacksmith. He's pounding all day.

-Yeah, Dad. -Hmm.

This baby's gonna be filled soon.

Then I'll probably look for a publisher.

Ideally, someone who supports me

but also challenges me, especially on my spelling.

"If found, return to Tina Belcher."

Wait, that's our phone number?

I remember it being more fun.

Oh, I just had an idea for Francois.

-If you could just... -Oh.

-...make a little room. -Okay.

-Thanks. -Yeah.

"He was so sweaty from the hammering.

"He would have to hose off

before the revolution that was coming."

-Mm. -The French one.

-[Bob] Hi, kids. -[Linda] Oh, hey, kids.

-How was school? -[Gene] Underfunded.

And under-fun.

I mean, I get what it was going for,

I just don't know if it got there.

I had a good day. In study hall,

I wrote a scene where Francois blacksmiths

the revolution bad guys so hard his vest rips.

Here, I can read you a little bit if you want.

-Okay. -Wait, what the...?

-[panicked panting] -Tina?

Honey, what's wrong?

My Horse-torical Fiction. It's gone!

It's-it's not on my backpack.

Stay calm.

Just try to remember the last place you had it, honey.

Okay. Uh, I had it when we left school today,

and then, on the way home,

we stopped to watch that pigeon eat that Band-Aid.

He made me want to try a dirty Band-Aid.

[Tina] Then we found a quarter on the ground,

so we used that and,

and then mostly my money to buy

a cup of frozen yogurt from Fro-Yo-Momma.

We ate it on the steps

and we were supposed to split it evenly,

but you guys ate way more than two-thirds.

I didn't hear you complaining.

I did complain.

I mean, I didn't listen to you complaining.

The steps! That's it!

We were eating the Froyo

and watching the skateboarders do

what they seemed to think were tricks,

so I decided to get a jump on my math homework,

so I pulled my books out.

When we left, I must've somehow not put

the Horse-torical Fiction back in my bag.

Ah! Mom!

Dad! I'll, uh, be right back.

Ah...!

-Uh... okay, Tina. -Good luck.

Look at that nag run.

Ah! It's not here? It's not here!

Ah!

Ah! That's you...

Sorry, that was mean...!

[groaning]

[resumes groaning]

Tina, I'm sorry about your horse book.

Is-is there a way you could maybe just start a new one?

-Oh. -Oh! -Oh, boy.

Are you even hearing yourself right now, Dad?!

-I am so sorry about him, Tina. -He's just a man.

That book was irreplaceable.

We know, sweetie.

Hey, have some more mac and cheese.

Hay? [groans]

Oh, 'cause of horses.

Geez, Mom, rein it in.

-Reins? -Ah. Right.

Ah... I guess I should just accept that it's probably

-gone forever. -[phone ringing] -[Linda] Aw.

Forever isn't that long.

Hello? Yeah, she's here. Who's calling?

Tina, it's for you. He said it's a friend?

Kind of a weird voice. No judgement.

Uh, hello?

[distorted voice] Is this Tina Belcher?

-Yeah. -Don't talk. Just listen.

But you just asked me if I was Tina Belcher--

-[shushes] -Okay.

I believe I have something that belongs to you.

A book of horse-related writing?

Your Horse-torical Fiction?

Are you still there?

Yeah, sorry. You-you told me not to say anything--

-[shushes] -Right.

If you ever want to see your precious book again,

it'll cost you $50. Cash. Secure the money.

You'll receive a call at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow

with further instructions.

And tell no one. No parents. No cops.

And, uh, no parents or cops.

Got it?

You're allowed to answer. It's fine.

-Mm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. -Okay, bye.

Tina, everything okay?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Did you switch our Internet provider?

Mm-hmm. I mean, no.

As I long as I can keep my Hotmail.

The nerve of this person.

Holding your weird erotic horse book for ransom.

Yeah, write your own horse smut.

$47, $48 and $2 in change means

$50 of birthday and babysitting money.

Tina, you cannot give this person

a single penny of our money.

We're dealing with a criminal here.

Don't you think I know that, Louise?

Wait. Our money?

Well, yeah.

As your wealth manager and beneficiary

I can't let you do this.

But if I don't pay him, then what's the other option?

We can't tell Mom and Dad 'cause if he finds out,

I might never get my book back.

Hear me out: I've got a plan.

He's gonna call you tomorrow morning

and tell you where to leave the money, right?

So when you find out

where you're supposed to make the exchange,

Gene and I shoot over there and hide.

We monitor the drop point.

Then, when this punk grabs the money,

we follow him back to wherever he came from

and threaten to go to the cops

if he doesn't give us the book back.

We get the book, keep the money and we all high-five.

[Gene] And then maybe we go out dancing.

-Louise? -What?

I know you want to help, but I think the safest thing is

to just follow his rules and not make any trouble,

so I just need you to stay out of it.

I-I'm just trying to have a nice, simple

ransom situation here, okay?

-But you don't-- -Nope.

-[sighs] If we just-- -Nope.

Okay, fine. Can I just say goodbye to the money?

[whispering] I'm gonna figure this out.

-I love you. -[Tina] Louise.

I want to say goodbye to the change.

March on, dimes.

[Linda knocks] Tina, honey,

you ready to head down to the restaurant?

[Tina] Uh, is it okay if I stay up here for a while?

Still pretty upset.

Sure, honey. No problem.

-Louise, Gene, move it. -[Louise] We'll be right down!

[Gene] We're primping. Trust me, it's worth it.

Okay. Bye, Tina. We'll-- we'll miss you.

Partly because Gene and Louise are so bad at working,

but also because we love you.

Both things, but they are really, really bad

and-and you're better.

-[Louise] We can hear you, Dad! -Sorry.

[Louise] Okay, Gene, time to leave our apartment

and, um, and go down, uh, downstairs, huh, buddy?

-Walking. -[Louise] Walking.

-Walking. Walking. -[Louise] Walking.

-Opening the door. -'Cause that's how we get out.

-[phone rings] -Hello?

[distorted voice] Did you get the money?

Yes, I have it. 50 big ones.

But most of them are little ones.

Put it in an envelope. Get a roll of duct tape.

Tear off four pieces,

make those little loops with them,

not too big, not too small.

Put them on the back of the envelope.

And try not to get the loops all twisted up

'cause they won't stick as well.

I guess you could add more loops

to compensate for the twisted loops--

Um, you're kind of focusing a lot on the tape

and loops right now, it feels like?

Just bring the envelope to Wonder Wharf.

There's a bench along the wall of the arcade.

Stick the money to the underside of the seat.

That's why you need all the loops.

No, I-I get it...

I'm not just a weird tape freak.

Nobody's saying that.

Come alone. Once the package has been collected,

you will receive a call with instructions

for where you can find your book.

And don't try anything funny, or this book will take

a long walk off a short shredder.

-[gasps] -Be there in 15 minutes.

Wait, I forgot how many loops...

-[dial tone] -Oh, you're gone.

Duct tape, duct tape.

God, this junk drawer's a mess. It's all junk!

Hi, um, I'm gonna take a walk.

See if I can, you know, find my book. [weak chuckle]

I didn't look in the rest of the city yet.

Okay, sounds good, hon.

Poor Tina, losing her super sexy horses book.

I know, rough stuff.

Hey, Gene and I should really go after her.

She needs the comfort of her peers.

-And the squeaks from our rears. -Aw, that's nice.

Just try and be back before the lunch rush.

-You got it, big guy! -We live for that crap.

♪ ♪

Okay. Walkie-talkies.

Once we're in position, this is how we're gonna communicate.

But also with our soulful eyes.

[Louise] Hide behind this trash can.

I'm gonna go hide behind that planter over there.

Can we switch? I want hide behind something

that doesn't smell like a dirty diaper ate

an egg salad sandwich.

No. This works for me.

Lot of duct tape. [grunts] Got it.

Acting totally normal.

Just reaching under a dirty bench.

Lot of gum. More gum than bench, really.

The T-train has left the station.

Now we wait for the book heister.

I got eyes on everybody coming from the north.

You watch out from everybody coming from the south.

Which one's south again? Is it east?

Just... ugh, watch whoever takes the money. Over.

So what should we talk about while we wait?

Ken's new faux hawk?

-[shushes] Gene. -[Gene] Sorry.

I thought it was called walkie-talkie,

not walkie-shushy.

-[Louise] Just zip it. -[Gene groans]

-[phone rings] -Hello?

You didn't follow my instructions, Tina.

W-What are you talking about? I did the duct tape

and the loops and a few of them got twisted, sure,

but I-I did so many loops!

-I said, "Come alone!" -I did.

The loud boy? On the walkie-talkie?

Talking about someone named Ken and his faux hawk?

What? Damn it, Gene and Louise!

Don't call me Gene and Louise.

-[sighs] No, I-- -I'll give you one more chance.

You'll receive another call tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.

In the meantime, you must deal

with the consequence of your disobedience.

What do you mean?

Go to the base of the south stairwell by the beach.

Underneath the pier.

Something's waiting for you there.

What is it?

[singsongy] I don't know.

Actually, I do know. Sorry, that was confusing.

-Okay. Bye. -[dial tone] -Ugh!

[Louise] Where is he?

Why hasn't he come to get the money yet?

[Gene] Maybe it's time for him

to book-nap a day planner, am I right?

Wait a minute.

Tina?

[Gene] She took her own book?

The perfect crime.

Gene, Louise? Where are you? Come out.

Look who it is. [weak chuckle] Tina.

You're looking well.

The book-napper saw you guys and called it all off!

You ruined everything!

I told you not to get involved, Louise.

It was a good plan, Tina.

It basically went perfectly,

except for the part where we didn't catch the book-napper

and the part where you seem undelighted with us

for some reason.

Wait. Where-where are you going?

Not that it's any of your business,

but to the south stairwell underneath the pier.

The book-napper left something for me.

Taking stuff, leaving stuff.

Will this guy just make up his mind?

[Louise] Um, does that brick have your name on it?

-Uh... -Probably just a coincidence.

I think Tina's a pretty popular brick name.

There's something underneath it.

Uh...

[gasps] Francois?

-No! -[squawking]

"Turn over.

"One horse a day, every day, if you don't follow the rules.

Come alone means come alone."

Okay. So, that clarifies it.

Come alone. Got it. Good stuff to know.

Okay, Tina, you can do this.

I'm so sorry, Francois. Je t'aime.

Louise, why are you still here?

Go-go down to the restaurant already.

I'm going. Gosh!

-[phone ringing] -Ugh! Do not listen.

I'm not. Look at me. Who's listening to phone calls?

Not this gal.

I'm just looking for my... work shoes.

-Hello? -Tina, it's me. From before.

-Right. -I'm giving you

one last chance to get your horse book back,

but the price has gone up.

-Now's $75. -What? I don't have that much!

That's the cost of breaking the rules.

But it was my sister's fault.

She went rogue without my knowledge.

Well, it's your fault for having a sister.

But I wasn't allowed to weigh in on that decision.

Either you find the rest or all your Mr. Eds

-are Mr. Dead. -[gasps]

So it's goodbye to Whinny-ston ChurchHoof.

-Ah! -Goodbye, Saddle-dor Dalí.

Oh, God!

Goodbye, Alexander the Great Horse.

Please, no! I'll get the money.

You'll have till 4:00 p.m. this afternoon.

I'll call with further instructions.

4:00 p.m.? If I can't get the money by then,

can we maybe consider, like, a payment plan?

-[dial tone] -Ugh!

How'd it go? Pretty good?

Don't feel like talking? Okay.

Psst.

Did you get it?

Could you record it off the burger phone?

You tell me.

[recording] Tina, it's me. From before.

Yeah! Okay. So now we listen for clues.

Figure out where this person is.

Ideally, like, a very specific subway goes by

that we both instantly recognize the sound of?

Or we hear Big Ben and we know it's in London.

Tina, it's me. From before.

You have till 4:00 p.m. this afternoon.

I'll call with further instructions.

Damn it! We've listened to it ten times

and we got nothing.

Not even like a regional bird chirp.

[sighs] What else do we know?

It had to have been someone who was at the steps, right?

Who was there that day?

-Skateboarders skateboarding. -Typical.

Ugh, I think I know who we have to talk to.

[Louise] Hello, Logan.

I don't remember ordering two dweebs.

Mom, did we order from DweebDash?

Hi, this is Tina Belcher.

Um, I was wondering if you might need a babysitter

from now to 3:48 p.m.?

No? Just pay me to come over and watch your friggin' kids!

Look, Louise, I don't know why anyone would want

some book full of horse-related creative musings,

but even if I did, I'd never rat out my bros.

That's why they're my bros.

It sounds like a good group of guys.

Gene, calm down. Logan loves his bros.

There that one bro and the other bro,

and the one with the brown hair, bangs...

What's his name?

Who, Troy? Solid bro. And they're not bangs.

For dudes, it's just "front hair."

And yeah, I'd never rat that bro out.

Right, of course. I mean, why would you ever rat out Troy?

What's his last name? Troy, um...

-Walker. -[scoffs] No, dummy.

Troy Roberts.

No. You're friends with Troy Walker.

He lives on Oakwood Road and his mom's name is Nancy.

What the heck are you talking about?

The only Troy I know is Troy Roberts

and he lives on Lake Street and his mom's name is Sandy,

and she asks me about myself, and she makes her own pizza,

you idiot!

Ugh, you're right. [laughs] I'm an idiot.

Well, just let you back to whatever you were doing.

I believe the words you're looking for are

"Xboxing my butt off,"

and yes, I'd like to get back to it.

Absolutely.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

My best to the bros!

Oh, good, Tina, you're here.

-Uh-huh. -Hi, Tina. -Hey, Tina.

Any chance you and your brother and your sister are

available to work here?

Because you guys used to do that,

but you seem to have stopped entirely.

They could really use your help, Tina.

-Believe me. [chuckles] -Wait, what-what do you mean?

Oh, just sticky menu, ketchup's getting low...

The wheels are coming off.

-Hey! -Yeah.

It's not a criticism. Don't take it that way.

"The wheels are coming off." That's not a criticism?

I mean, if you take it that way, I suppose it is, but...

Yeah, not-not quite ready

to go back to work yet, but, um...

Hey, I was wondering if I could

maybe get an advance on my allowance for this week?

-What? -An advance? For what, sweetie?

Oh, um, for homework?

For, uh, money class?

-Money class? -I-I mean for v-vitamins?

-Homework vitamins. -Homework vitamins?

When I was a kid, we called that speed.

-Oh. -Never mind. Forget it.

I'll figure it out. Bye. [panting]

And she's gone again.

-[drums playing inside] -[Louise] Okay.

What you got for us, Troy Roberts on Lake Street?

Who's his roommate? Jack Hammer?

-Um, hi. -Hey, is Troy home?

Uh, yeah, Troy's in the garage playing his drums.

That must be fun for everyone a mile in every direction.

Troy! Some kids are here to see you!

-What? -They're here to see you!

-What?! -Hey.

You were at the steps last Friday, right?

-I was. -Were you the one who took my sister's horse book?

-What? What's a horse book? -It's what it sounds like.

Why would I need a horse book when I got these fillies?

Okay. Do you know who might have taken it?

Honestly, if I'm at the steps, I'm mostly focused

on my friends Ollie and Kick Flip.

-Skateboard moves. -Yep.

Do you remember who else was there that day?

I mean, everyone? Let's see.

♪ There was Eric Rivers ♪

♪ And Cailen Montgomery ♪

♪ And Monica Delgado ♪

-♪ And E. J. ♪ -Okay, great. Thank you.

♪ And Ira Miller ♪

♪ And India Durazo ♪

♪ And Beckett M. and Beckett Y. ♪

[whoops] Lot of names.

♪ And the three goth kids ♪

♪ I know one of them is Brandon ♪

♪ Who did I forget? ♪

♪ Oh, right! ♪

♪ My little sister, Regan ♪

♪ But she's so forgettable ♪

Ugh. Is that everyone?

♪ I... think... so! ♪

All right, great. Thanks. Bye.

♪ I'm playing you out. ♪

-[recording] Tina. Tina. Tina. -Ugh.

Basically, every teenager in the world was

-at the steps that day. -Tina.

-Tina. -I can't wait till I'm a teenager

-and I'm excited about cement stairs. -Tina. T-T-Tina.

[sighs] Why couldn't there be $22 in change in the couch?

What are couches even good for?

[recording] Tina, it's me. From before.

[gasps] Is that from my phone call earlier?

-Did you record it? -Whoops.

In our defense, you said I couldn't listen

but you never said Gene couldn't.

-Ugh! -I know what'll make you feel better.

A little remix.

-[lively music playing] -♪ Tina, it's me ♪

♪ Ti-Ti-Tina, it's me ♪

[high pitch] ♪ Ti-Ti-Tina, it's me ♪

-♪ From before. ♪ [farts] -Eh?

Wait, Gene, play that last one again.

Okay.

[less distorted] Tina, it's me. From before.

-I know that voice. -Mm?

Oh, my gosh. That-that sounds like Regan.

Holy crap! Wait, who's Regan?

Troy's sister.

Holy crap! Um, who's Troy again?

-Logan's friend. -Oh, yeah, right. Holy crap!

[phone ringing]

[knock at door]

[Louise] We know you're in there. Open up.

-[Gene] Hello, Regan. -Uh...

Surprised to see us?

Or did we interrupt you in the middle of a phone call?

Also, hi. I'm Tina Belcher. Yes, that Tina Belcher!

We know you took my sister's horse book.

-And you killed Francois! -No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. We figured it out. Well, I figured it out.

Which makes up for everything Tina was mad at me about before.

-I mean, I'm not totally sure it does-- -[shushing] It does.

-I... okay. -So hand it over, Regan, or we're gonna tell on you

like you've never been told on before.

A tattletale tell-a-thon.

I don't even know what you guys are talking about.

Oh, I think you do. We have you on tape.

Or Casio. Play it, Gene.

[recording] Tina, it's me.

-From before. -That could be anyone.

That could even be an AI thing, for all I know.

A-I don't think so.

Well, if you don't have it, you should have no problem

letting us search your bedroom for it.

-Be my guest. -Oh, we will.

-Shoes off or on? -On. Is fine.

Yeah, it is.

Where are our kids?

Did they grow up? Are they in college?

No, we can't afford that, right?

Should we have more kids? Someone's got to bus the tables.

Yeah. Maybe.

[Louise] It's got to be in here somewhere.

Nice picture.

Are you a member of the grumpy face society?

It's my school ID. I just started high school.

-I've heard of it. -Anyway. See?

I told you. I didn't take your horse book.

What's this? Rosie the Ribbiter?

[Regan] It's just this dumb comic I used to draw.

I don't draw that anymore. I'm in high school.

I do other stuff, like looking at my phone

when everyone else is looking at their phone, okay?

Ooh, pizza oven.

Is that where your mom makes

her famous homemade pizzas that you haven't offered us yet?

Is it pizza night?

-Uh... -Regan?

-Uh... -Oh, my God.

Is my Horse-torical Fiction in the pizza oven?!

No...

[screaming]

Quick, quick, ah!

No! [panting]

She burned it.

You book-burning B-word!

Hi, honey.

-Having some friends over? -Uh...

Oh, you started the pizza oven. Great. I'll get the dough.

Are your friends staying for dinner?

-No! -No! -Maybe?

Okay...

Regan, what are you looking at?

Oh, my God. There it is!

-[gasps] -Nah-uh! -Give it to us.

Or we'll go in there right now and tell your mom.

And see what toppings she's thinking of.

Or I just burn it now and it's your word against mine.

-Damn it, Regan. -I called you at 4:00.

You didn't answer, so I had to start the oven--

which I had to do anyway because it's pizza night--

but I did it early to burn your book

because that's the only evidence that connects me to you.

Don't do it, Regan.

I-I'll give you all the money I have right now.

No, no, no, no, no. We're past money.

You know too much about me. This is how this has to go.

And-and, you know, I'm actually doing you a favor, Tina.

Back when I was in eighth grade, I was a lot like you.

Innocent. Naive.

I didn't really care what anybody thought about me

or whatever weird stuff I was into.

I didn't care about the way I dressed

or what my hair looked like or if my bangs made sense

-or if my socks looked like that. -Wait, what?

But as soon as I got to high school, all of that changed.

Do you think that people were into Rosie the Ribbiter comics?

No! They were not.

So I stopped doing it. I stopped doing lots of stuff.

And now I fit in. And I'm really, really happy.

Trust me, Tina, this will make your life so much easier.

You're welcome.

[all gasp]

[grunting]

Ah! Hot, hot, hot, hot! [groaning, blowing]

-Here, T. -Damn it.

Johan Sebastian Bare-bach.

Neigh-braham Lincoln. You're okay. You're okay.

Fine. Enjoy your story time.

But, hey, Tina, come high school,

-they're gonna eat you alive. -Hay is for horses, Regan.

And that's just fine with me

'cause I'm a horse to be reckoned with.

Yeah, she is.

We definitely shouldn't stay for pizza, right?

Should we stay? We shouldn't stay.

♪ ♪

[Tina] "Revolution was hard.

"Lot of heads ripped off and shoved under bricks.

"But the thing about heads is they go right back on.

"Francois was able to return to his blacksmithery

"stronger and more toned than ever.

"He was ready to make horseshoes for his brave new country.

"He was gonna be a busy boy

"and busy boys deserve a good dinner.

"Tonight was his favorite: frog's legs.

Specifically, a frog being Rosie the Ribbiter. The end."

♪ Francois, Francois, Francois, Francois ♪

♪ Everyone get on their saddle ♪

♪ He will lead us into battle ♪

♪ Francois, Francois, Francois, Francois ♪

♪ Every stallion, every gelding ♪

♪ He'll protect us with his welding ♪

♪ Just check out his horsey muscles ♪

♪ No doubt victory we'll claim ♪

♪ He's so French that France is ♪

♪ Right there in his name ♪

♪ Viva La Francois. ♪

[Tina] Well, yeah, he's a blacksmith.

He's pounding all day.

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

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