Original subtitles

Joaquim Pinto presents

''God's Comedy'', by Jo�o C�sar Monteiro.

- Here he comes. - Right on time.

The slow movement is essentially majestic.

In my opinion he's just slow.

- Good morning, girls. - Good morning.

Don't forget the bleach.

Has there ever been a shortage of bleach in this place?

As far as l know, no.

D'you think that just happens?

Infallibility is the watchword.

Get on with your work and behave.

Almost two hours to get here from Benfica.

The traffic's murder. You can't imagine.

l imagine it'll be the same from here to Benfica.

Not up to much at all.

The night shift seems to have been bitten by the tsetse fly.

It's this social strife.

- Nobody wants to lift a finger. - It�s all we've got.

We just have to make do.

What do you think about these extremists?

- l don't think anything. - Look at Russia...

Tell Judite to look the new candidates over

and the Devil take the hindmost.

- She always has the last word. - I'm off, it's getting late.

Tell Judite to give me a ring.

This has to be straightened out, or it'll all boil over.

Don't worry.

Iron hand, that's what's needed.

Come here, Alexandra.

You've got a spot on your overall.

It�s not my period, it's strawberry.

Doesn't make any difference. You'd better put a clean one on.

But l haven't got a clean one!

Improvise. Desperate ills need soap and water.

l knew you were in a bad mood.

Yes, my little one.

- I've been to the agency. - Planning a holiday?

I'd like to go to Thailand. It�s lovely, there's lots to do.

A friend of mine who's been, says it has marvelous beaches.

For two, all in, it's not a lot with a credit card.

Have a good trip.

Send me a postcard of a buffalo grazing.

You're always teasing me...

Don't take any notice.

It means I�m not up to doing much else.

That's done. My overall'll dry in seconds in the sun.

- Spot's gone. - There's a cloakroom

for you girls to change your clothes in.

Undies here are sacrilegious.

Over my dead body.

Sorry, l wasn't thinking. l was in a hurry.

Will you let me go to the swimming pool?

I�ve never refused anyone a bathe.

Not even my worst enemy. Don't be long.

Do you find me attractive?

Don't push me, girl. Leave me in peace.

You'll never know.

That Alexandra isn't much of a worker.

Perhaps she's got problems at home.

At home? They live like cattle.

She seems willing to go for a bathe, so...

Oh, yes? Go and have a look at the ladies'.

Oh, my God!

Shop!

- Is anyone about? - I�m about. What d'you want?

What do l have to do to get a job here?

l don't know if there are vacancies.

But it says here: ''staff wanted.''

You'll have to speak to the manager.

Get a bucket of water at once,

and clean the wall in the ladies'.

l didn't make that mess on the wall.

I�m not interested in who it was or who it wasn't.

Health regulations in this establishment

are to be strictly observed.

Don't take on staff who wipe their arses with their fingers!

Watch your tongue, girl. You should talk!

l can't stand tattle tales.

Place has a nice atmosphere.

- Name? - Carmen.

- References? - It�s my first job.

Better late than never.

My parents were against exploitation of child labour.

Qualifications?

University student.

Which university?

The university of life.

Here you are, my dear.

Take this to pay your fees

and come back when you've graduated.

It is a nice atmosphere here.

A 500 note isn't to be refused.

What a mess!

I�ve cleaned that shit up. Can l go and have a coffee?

Go on, but stop sulking.

In the world we live in, somebody has to pay for the sinners.

Do you want anything?

A packet of filter cigarettes.

Do you want one?

- They're from Mr. Chips. - No way.

Goodbye, Mr. Chips.

Judite?

Where are you?

At home or at the factory?

Tom� gets everything muddled.

No, no. Not at all.

Don't worry. It�s all under control.

The usual.

Cleaner didn't turn up again.

She'll tell me a load of bullshit.

It�s a bore, but what can you do?

Can't just let it go to the dogs.

When Rom�o gets back, sort it out with him.

I'll go to the bank and have a word with the manager.

Don't worry.

How many kilos on hand?

That's enough.

No, the idea's very simple.

Let the customers' mouths water,

say we've run out,

then relaunch Paradise. Of course!

At a new price, befitting the house specialty

and the originality of flavour.

It comes in Marx.

Can't make omelettes without breaking eggs.

Increase salaries, get results.

It�s elementary, and you know by your own experience,

since you've had a lot...

Made a good impression on me too.

Lives in a shack with her mother?

Seems all right.

Let's see.

One swallow doesn't make a summer.

What part of Minho?

Yes, l know it well.

As l remember l had the best chicken and rice in my life there.

They're nice people.

Very pretty. She hasn't lost that dewy, provincial innocence.

I�ll do her up to look like one of those Venetian madonnas.

Keep a touch of rural charm.

Might be an attraction.

Mind it'll take a lot of know-how to keep her.

Have l ever let you down?

You know l never mix business with pleasure.

OK, I�ll expect her.

Ros�rio. Ros�rio, what?

No, no.

That Francisca never fooled me.

Saw straight away.

Complain to the police?

Don't even think about it. It�s not worth the aggro.

I�ll keep an eye on her. Let it lie.

l don't want to start anything.

Ciao, my dear!

Get well soon.

Show me those hands.

They're clean.

That's how it should be.

Do you want to know why?

The reason is simple, l never get tired of repeating it.

A large number of our customers are children.

So,

anyone who works for me

has to wash their hands after using the sanitary installations,

after extracting nasal mucous,

picking your nose, for example.

Non-compliance means immediate dismissal

and criminal proceedings.

Public health is at stake.

Do you understand?

When you serve an ice-cream, never forget:

one day, you too will be a mother.

My mask?

Good old Jim...

A pubic hair belonging to Queen Victoria.

God shave the Queen.

''Love my umbrella.''

Book of Thoughts

- How much a kilo? - 580 for a regular like you.

Gut me four of those bream.

They seem to fresh from the sea.

That they do.

l can see them fried with runny tomato rice.

- Or with coriandera�orda. - That would go very nicely.

Get off, cat!

Go and lick your mother's cunt, get away.

- How much? - 480.

How are you today?

Passed away just before you came.

That's it.

Thus are the sins of the world taken away.

Can't sell it, but if you like I�ll let you have the brains.

Good, strong, fortifying.

Perfect with scrambled eggs.

My daughters are going to enjoy them no end.

They need them, poor things.

They're growing kids.

Do nothing but study.

I�ll tell you something, my three girls

have got more wits about them than many a minister.

l can well believe it,

but decline the brains.

What's it going to be?

Calves liver, then?

Cut thin.

l won't say no.

Look,

look at this bootiful.

Fine slices.

Lovely.

Evaristo,

got any of these?

Prick!

Where did you say you lived?

- In ''Cambodja''. - That must be rather dangerous.

Not as bad as you think.

It�s worse after the rain. There's mud all over the place.

Scrub that mark.

This? It�s a mole.

I�ve got lots all over.

lf God so wills...

Nails!

Scrub the half-moons.

They're worth polishing.

l take after my late father.

How long is it since he died?

Almost two years.

He was fumigating a vat with sulphur.

Toxic fumes.

Are they all right now?

Perfect.

You can dry them.

You should've seen the funeral.

Nobody in the village had seen a funeral like it.

He was reckoned to be the best barrelmaker in those parts.

The daughter of a barrelmaker.

- You must enjoy a drop of wine. - l like green wine.

But it has to be drunk out of the barrel.

You'll have to try ours one day.

I�ll have to.

We shan't use the anti-dandruff shampoo.

You've got silky hair.

One can see it's clean.

You don't need it.

Let's just comb it...

and tie it behind.

That's it.

Pull it all back.

Like that.

My hair's a bit difficult to control.

Better that than anything else.

You've got a noble complection

and carry yourself well.

Good.

Let's tie this ribbon round to keep it in place.

Perfect.

''A soft and pious glance,

''a gentle, honest smile,

''a sweet and humble gesture of uncertain guile.

''A quiet, ashamed vivacity;

''such grave and modest repose;

''a pure tender-heartedness,

''sign of a clear, gracious soul,

''a timid audacity,

''meekness,

''fear without guilt, air serene,

''long and obedient pain,

''this was the celestial beauty of my Circe,

the magic venom that transforms my thoughts.''

''The magic venom that transforms my thoughts.''

l don't make anyone wear a cap

or snood,

but observing basic hygiene is essential.

Now let's practice.

First fill the dish to the rim.

Don't forget, rinse the spatula in water

when you change flavours.

Smooth the ice as though combing it.

What have we got? A polygonal base

equal to the volume of the recipient.

Pat it gently,

l always pat it three times,

and we build the pyramid.

Cheops, Khafre and Menkaure.

You can savour the magical flavour of Ancient Egypt.

Same technique, but it requires more delicacy.

Everything depends on the perfect astringency

of the scoop of ice-cream and the cone,

so it doesn't get squashed.

Relax your hand muscles.

Let your hand fall loosely...

Knock on that door...

Are you following me?

A short, sharp tap

and there you are.

I�m out of practice but that's the idea.

Then there were the ''muscovites'',

calledbavarois then,

mousses, parfaits,

coldsouffl�s, bombes...

Until the Americans

came with sorbets made of cream,

sometimes with corn flour and gelatin added,

and invented ice-cream

and today it's popular everywhere.

l like ours best.

The ice-cream empire is vast.

The Americans have opened huge factories everywhere,

from Arkansas to Vietnam, even Korea.

Our manufacture is semi-artisanal.

The factory badly needs more sophisticated equipment.

I�ll take you there one day.

lf you learn, you'll be more involved in your work.

I�m not afraid of work. l never shirk.

I�m a good worker.

l know you're not like the others,

but you have to love this.

Our policy requires commitment from everybody.

It isn't based on ordinary, everyday tastes,

but on constant innovation,

on the ceaseless search for the splendiferous,

perhaps unattainable flavour of flavours.

Seek and ye shall find.

We are not seeking truth.

We are seeking our Ariadne.

Good Lord, under such trying conditions!

Just one small, human error,

sudden carelessness by our staff, and we lose everything.

Not just anyone is chosen to enter the gates of Paradise.

A Chinese?

Despite every care we can't completely eliminate

the risk of pathogenic factors

turning us into a serious health hazard.

There's never been any trouble...

Fortunately not,

but we must remain vigilant

and pray that there'll never be any trouble in Paradise.

That's why l insist:

Wash yourselves, girls.

Every day with soap and water.

Ward off pathogenic factors, common microbes.

And Rosarinho, my dear,

never forget when serving an ice-cream:

you too will be a mother.

You too.

And also,

our taste for ice-creams

is one of the good things of life

we owe to our Roman ancestors,

to their sensual pleasure in life

which led them

to send for snow

from distant sierras, in the Apenines

so that, on hot days,

lying relaxed on couches in the triclinium,

they could sip fruits and juices

at cool temperatures.

Even if,

in 1295,

Marco Polo had brought from Japan to Venice

a recipe for milk shakes,

undoubtedly,

the Italians are the real creators of the sorbet.

From Italy,

after the Renaissance exodus,

ices arrived in France

in 1660

from Procopius himself,

a Florentine by birth.

With the ascension of French cooking,

ice-creams proliferated.

There were muscovites, etc.

Until the Americans,

with their sorbets made of cream

sometimes with corn flour

and gelatin added, invented ice-cream.

Today, it's popular everywhere.

How many flavours?

- One. - Two.

Three.

An Aurora, a Snow-white and a Charlot.

A Cosi fan Frutti, a Penguin and a Billy the Kid.

What a pity this isn't a sin.

According to Stendhal

an Italian princess made the same complain in the 17th century.

It�s all a question of education.

They should be licked

with the right degree of decorum.

Have you noted that disgraceful scene?

They seem to be gulping... l know not what.

Ice-cream is a rich source of calcium for the organism.

But the divine flavours?

Do you think those little minxes can even guess them

with that frenetic licking?

They came in all aglow, D. Ant�nia.

Look, it's made their little tongues all pink.

Pearls before swine.

There you are racking your brains

to create the most sublime aromas

and for what? Yes, for what?

l only wish

to serve the community in the way l know best.

Humbly.

Ice-creams shouldn't be presented in Parliament,

if they're not endowed with virtues,

if dissension reigns amongst flavours.

lf dissension reigns amongst flavours.

Here there are no flavours, only perfumes.

Isn't that a gallicism?

lf you want to take a language course you'd better change jobs.

Perfume gives a different flavour.

It has another taste.

lf you shout at them they'll get shaky.

l never shout. All l need is to open my eyes wide.

Of course, let's hope it doesn't rain.

It won't rain.

The weatherman announced a fall in temperature.

Goodnight.

These man-mad girls.

All they want is to ride motorbikes.

There's no public transport at this time of night.

Don't give me that song and dance routine.

Do them good to walk.

Get the blood circulating.

It gives the place a bad reputation.

l fancy nibbling a langouste next door.

They're very dry. I�d advise the lobster.

l saw them arrive today.

Langouste is more comme il faut.

It is, but if l were you I�d book a table now.

Don't forget to use a napkin.

A napkin?

Yes, a napkin. My gorgeous linen suit!

You've got a way with you.

Join us when you close up. We'll save you a claw.

Sit beside the wise.

Some may rub off.

You looking for Rosarinho?

- Yes, l am. - Rosarinho's moved

to the buildings. - Good. l didn't know.

You gave me a fright.

That's not funny.

Not meant to be funny.

It�s to denounce police brutality.

Doesn't seem like a good idea. When it's serious nobody'll believe you.

You don't think it's serious?

It doesn't seem to be anything to do with you.

Do you think it's all right that we're still awake?

No, no l don't.

Then you'd better keep quiet.

Want to buy some photos to send to the newspapers?

l don't know anybody who works on a newspaper.

We've got some of Rosarinho,

washing her fanny, naked.

l took them through a crack in the shack.

Can't see anything. They're out of focus.

We've passed them around, but they serve their purpose.

What purpose?

Getting your end away. Look at those tits.

I�ll keep them to stop them being passed around.

They're not for sale.

Got a smoke?

Yes, but I�m not giving you one. l don't encourage vices.

A thousand each if you burn the photos.

It�s a deal.

The boss wants to speak to you.

Come in.

You know I�ve seen a lot of pricks in my day.

But one finger only.

Everything I�ve got, I�ve had to pay for.

I�ve been a whore, but I�ve got my head screwed on.

Honey, you want a blow job? Pay. It�s so much.

Always doing my accounts. No sentiment.

l opened my legs many a time, but l never lost my head. You know why?

l never mixed:

work's work, pleasure's pleasure.

l could've finished up like Mimi. Remember her?

Don't talk about Mimi.

It makes me feel like turning you round

and sticking my finger up your ass.

- Did l feed you? - You did.

- Drag you out of the gutter? - You did.

l dressed you from head to toe.

Can't be undone.

You're an ungrateful bastard.

l am, aren't l?

l do my work and l do it well.

I�m the heart and soul of the place

and hearts and souls don't owe anything.

That's true. The ice-cream parlour has done very well.

But don't push your luck.

- That's friendly advice. - Let's get to the point.

Rosarinho came here to see how ices are made.

Does she have to lick them? Don't kid me.

They're birds of passage, wasting money on clothes and drugs.

Are you stopping me from training the staff?

From making them more capable and efficient?

l don't care for smart-ass girls.

l like them serving ices and being pleasant.

Rosarinho's a serious girl. You recommended her to me.

Exactly,

but I�ve known you many a long year,

so for better or worse, from today,

there'll be no more guided tours.

Is that all?

Getting back to business, I�m thinking of merging.

Sexually?

A famous French ice-cream maker is interested in our production.

Bertillon?

No, not Bertillon, but as good. He's called Antoine Doinel.

You can read the fax.

Don't get swellheaded. Your fame has reached Paris.

''Dear Judite...

further to our phone conversation...''

- It doesn't mention me. - It�s quite implicit.

It refers to a possible marriage...

No more, no less.

Antoine is about my age, a gentleman,

one thing doesn't take the place of another.

Our ices haven't a hope of penetrating the French market.

Obviously not through lack of quality,

but because the French consumer won't accept their origin,

their being Portuguese.

Let Antoine penetrate me first

and then we'll talk.

Carinhas & Doinel.

They'll penetrate on a grand scale.

We have to get everything ready for when Antoine arrives.

l am relying on you to prepare one of your perfumes.

Go educate that little madam, but don't bring her here.

Rom�o is enough at leading them astray.

You couldn't be more wrong.

Yes, love.

Concentrate on the perfumes. Leave the penetration to Judite.

Hello doll, congratulations!

Hello, my lovely!

Hello, cuddly!

Hello, my little dove!

Oh, what an armful!

My little chick!

Hello, doll!

l hardly have time to breathe.

It�s a tough profession.

But whenever l can l go to my beautician.

She's got fairy hands and knows my wrinkles like the back of her hand.

Rain or shine,

l have four baths a day.

God forbid! Too much of anything isn't good for you.

It isn't too much. Just listen!

A few drops of essential oils in the bath

and the water is filled with calming and stimulating properties,

which we absorb as we inhale the perfumed vapour of the hot water.

''Star body'' suggests

''Perles d'Huile de Bain Aromatique'',

with a base of sandalwood, patchouli and incense,

calming effect;

green mint,

juniper and rosemary,

cooling effect;

pepper,

bergamot,

and lemon,

tonic effect...

''Orchid�e''

mixes lemon,

sage and juniper

for their ''Complexe d'Huiles Essentielles Amincissantes'',

and orange leaf,

camomile and verbena for their Complexe Relaxant.

Yes, indeed. Sacred oils.

That's not all.

Gilles de Rais has formulated four special oils for the bath:

Tonificant,

with pine essence;

''D�contractant Musculaire'', with essence of rosemary;

Revigorant,

with essence of lavender;

Calmant, with essence of eucalyptus.

Ah, Judite!

In India,

oils are not only famed for softening the coarseness of the skin,

but also of the soul.

Are you dog-fucking me, Jo�o?

It is gold on blue.

My mother only parted from it on her death bed.

What if it gets stolen?

It won't drop off.

But nobody is safe from thieves.

Does your anus still hurt?

A little, but it's getting better.

It shouldn't be torn,

but if it gets worse put some ointment on it.

Have a look while l go and fry the fish.

Do you need any help?

Too many cooks spoil the broth.

Sit at the table and nibble.

Your plate.

- A little bit. - More?

Bon app�tit.

You too.

It�s hot!

It�s nice and runny.

Cheap rubbish.

One half of the world trying to cheat the other.

What a state we're in.

The stars of the Great and Little Bear are vagrants.

My boyfriend was also guided by the stars.

lf l can't see the North Star, I�m quite lost.

Is it behind a cloud?

Might be.

Or it's travelled to another firmament.

lf this isn't heaven...

Do you feel in your vagina, Celestina,

the dampness that precedes love?

Stop it.

How can you read my heart?

There you are! What about the ice?

It�s maturing!

What about the decorations?

Doesn't need any.

Let the Frenchman put them on.

Now it goes on a chased silver tray,

a superb example of Judaic-Portuguese workmanship,

a silver spoon

and an embroidered linen napkin.

That's all.

Art has its own rough simplicity.

Is it almost ready?

- It is ready. - I�ll make the introductions.

Address Antoine as ''mon cher Ma�itre'' and say a few words...

- I�d rather not. - You have to.

What about us?

Celestina will carry the tray. You keep the M.P. company.

- What shall l say? - Better not say anything.

Show him your teeth, they're your best feature.

And call him Sir.

Celestina will feed the Canon. He has Parkinson's disease.

Don't forget to return my dresses and be careful about spots.

Go on. I�m all uptight.

Is this the ice?

Would you like to try it?

You have my confidence. You're the artist.

Look, our guardian angels.

l am sorry that our Prime Minister could not be here

but he is inaugurating the most modern morgue in Europe,

with 20,000 cold chambers,

instant freezing.

To modernize life,

one must, first of all, modernize death.

It is all part of the same cold network.

Canon Saraiva, an old friend,

who was kind enough to come from Braga,

in a precarious state of health,

to bless our ceremony.

One who has blessed bombs, my dear,

is making no sacrifice in blessing a delicious ice-cream.

Dr. Cruel,

perhaps the most promising politician of his generation,

probably our future Prime Minister.

It�s much too early to give credence to rumours, my dear.

The governing of the country is,

for the time being, in good hands.

- Shut up, pig! - He's bound to be a minister.

The people are right.

Mon cher Ma�itre,

here is our ice man:

Mr. Jo�o de Deus - John of God -

who is going to say a few words.

Delighted. l was expecting someone else.

Ladies

and gentlemen. My esteemed colleague.

I�ll be brief

and spare you the story of tribulations l underwent

and the unexpected circumstances by which

l became a maker of ices

and, little by little, came to devote myself to my profession.

l am a man of peace.

Who knows?

l might have been a criminal,

a social outcast,

permanently rebelling against a blind and arbitrary social order.

l don't know.

l know that l could never be a politician,

and add to the procession of bastards who use and abuse humanity,

bringing them to their knees, a state more suited to reptiles.

''You are a reptile, you'll turn into a reptile''

is the logic that ceaselessly leads to our sad degradation,

as individuals, as a species.

Against the universal fraud,

deep, frozen ices,

my ice,

which contains all the energy value in the world,

a friendly word, a token of love.

Perfection and fantasy.

The final sovereign luxury of a free man,

who has the supreme courage,

in a country of mediocrities to exalt life.

l have no recipes, no magic formulas.

Each ice has its perfume.

Its own perfume.

It is never the same as the one before,

nor as the one that comes after.

Though each one has something to remember:

a journey,

an outing,

a meeting,

a loved one,

the beloved.

My dream,

perhaps unattainable, is to create a perfume

that will concentrate all perfumes in one.

Harmoniously reaching out God,

the quintessential perfume.

Never betray the dreams of childhood.

lf you open your hearts,

we may try

the final glorious ice.

l wasn't born to hate,

l was born to love, to love you.

l enjoyed that.

Irreverent and opportune.

We must meet again.

Must we?

Rom�o, theMarseillaise!

Monsieur, your ice, it's shit!

Take away that shit!

I�ve dug your own grave!

- Any shit? - Don't worry.

The ice didn't go very well, but the Frenchman's settled.

He's a bit nervous about the ice.

My brother John.

Morning bells are ringing, Morning bells are ringing...

I�m coming.

Only to me.

l was having a wonderful dream.

I�ve got good news, Jo�o.

I�m still half asleep.

l was worried about you...

There's nothing here to steal.

Not even three pubic hairs...?

I�m dying of thirst.

Do you want tea or anything?

I�d love some tea.

An honourable man has no ears...

It�s already sugared.

- It tastes peculiar. - It�s ginger.

You've got into Deputy Cruel's good books.

He wants to invite you to a cat shoot.

I�d rather not go. l don't know how to hunt cats.

You don't have to.

Just keep the guns company.

I�m not good company. I�d rather be on my own.

Dr. Cruel has an estate where stray cats get up to disgusting things.

Instead of having them poisoned,

he organizes shoots for his friends.

Last time they shot a cat that was giving birth.

Giving birth is risky, specially on Deputy Cruel's estate.

l don't like eating cat dressed up as rabbit.

The cats may be diseased. They're not for eating.

Do you think Cruel needs to eat cats?

That mob's got the stomach for anything.

Stop pretending you're a Communist. We've been over that before.

Me?

My policy is ice-cream.

Everybody loved your ice-cream.

They were crying for more.

Which means I�m not going to be fired.

This is how history is made.

Everybody realized that Frenchman was up to something.

He's been sent packing.

lf envy were a fever, mankind would be ill.

You should've heard the Deputy,

he even went back to the French invasions.

Antoine said nothing.

He ran off with his tail between his legs.

How lucky l was.

- All's well that ends well. - The best is yet to come.

The Canon remembered that, among his properties,

is an old tavern, near the cathedral in Braga.

- Are you following me? - l am.

With the blessing of the prelate, Hell will be turned into Paradise.

It�s in the centre

and is always busy, thanks to the pilgrims.

You'll be the heart and soul of this new branch.

l am a man of peace.

A toast to my return to Paradise.

Don't forget, Virg�nia,

one day you too will be a mother.

Tomorrow we start the lessons.

lf you go on like this, l shall have to leave.

Go on like what?

l can't reciprocate.

Don't reciprocate! What's the fuss about?

l don't care.

You're old and I�m still young.

l never learn.

Finally someone has told me the truth.

l swear on my mother's grave

l shall live the rest of my days according to my age.

Thank you, Virg�nia.

l didn't mean to hurt you. Age doesn't matter at all.

Yes, it does Virg�nia, it matters a lot.

- I�ve never been with a man. - Oh, no?

Well, there are things which are more complicated:

a square root, splitting the atom,

ascending Mount Everest...

I�ve given kisses before

and between the legs too. But inside never.

When a young woman presents genital parts

that are hard, firm, brilliant and scarlet in colour,

the vulva labia close together,

the nympha small and covered,

the clitoris with a short prepuce,

the folds of the vagina prominent and close together,

mucuous membrane deep,

the vaginal orifice and the vulva-uterine passage very narrow,

and the hymen intact,

it must be said that the signs of physical virginity are unmistakeable.

Oh God! Why don't you hurl tongues of fire down upon me?

l want three flavours:

Besame Mucho, Cuore Ingrato and Paradise.

We're out of Paradise,

but Vaya con Dios is almost as good.

lf you don't like it you don't have to pay.

Don't l have to pay at the cash desk first?

Only on rush hours

and this isn't exactly rush hour.

This is my favourite.

It depends on personal taste, but l agree.

Nobody leaves dissatisfied.

l once saw you in your pyjamas.

In my pyjamas? l don't think...

In the street.

l was at the butcher's and l saw you in your pyjamas.

Yes, l vaguely remember.

When they turned off the electricity by mistake.

l don't know about that. It was still daytime.

Don't tell me you're...

I�m Joaninha, the youngest daughter of Evaristo, the butcher.

I�d never have guessed!

Joaninha with the green eyes.

They're not green, they're brown.

They're green in this light.

Little emeralds.

Your eyes are blue...

They were, they were...

It�s the grace of God that gives them their last celestial glow...

- How old are you Joaninha? - I�m nearly fifteen. How old are you?

I�m past fifty.

- You're older than my father. - l am, am l?

l don't worry about age. One day I�ll be old too.

l shouldn't worry about that yet.

I�ve got to be going now.

- How much was that? - It�s on the house.

No way. I�ve got the money.

lf my father found out he'd kill me.

He wouldn't give his customers a drop of water.

Every country has its customs.

Drop by any time. I�m always here.

It�s a long way,

but I�d like to.

Drop in at my house then. That's only a couple of minutes...

l can't now. I�m going to the cinema.

Later tonight perhaps.

Tonight?

Won't your father mind?

Tonight he's going to slaughter some animals.

He'll be back in the morning.

Me and my sisters have to help him put brands on the animals.

But, isn't that illegal?

Yes, but the meat's just as good

and cheaper.

My father says, ''What doesn't kill you makes you fat.''

He should know.

Really...

One microbe more...

one microbe less...

won't save us from our final rest.

Ten o'clock?

That's all right by me.

Right then, ten o'clock sharp.

I�ll be waiting for you at ten...

It�s an old song...

l like the old ways.

All the better.

l saw you like sweets

when you smiled.

I�ve got the sweetest tooth of the three of us.

They're always telling me off.

It�s for your own good.

For your own good.

l know, but if you don't overdo...

Take this Vaya con Dios for the road.

I�ll close my eyes so no one will see.

Pity l didn't get to try Paradise.

There'll be other occasions.

Perhaps... who knows?

Sixty packets.

That's 8,400.

Is it to help starving children in Mozambique?

We've got to help one another.

People are selfish nowadays.

Being here all day

can't do your varicose veins any good.

That's a fact, but what's to be done?

I�ve brought you some pork. Roasted with butter,

it's nice for breakfast.

Thank you, Joaninha.

You spoil me.

You'd probably rather have had a leg.

The leg?

No.

The crackling has more taste.

I�ve salted it just right.

Tomorrow I�ll tell you how it rated.

I�ll be back

before you know it.

You've got a lovely place here.

The conquests of April.

It�s lovely.

Is it for me?

It came specially from the land of the rising sun

to the land of the setting sun.

Put it on for the champagne ceremony.

What ceremony is that?

So you'll feel comfortable, no standing on ceremony here.

All right.

Their delicate curves point up to heaven.

Is that good?

Shouldn't it be so?

They're seeking sanctity.

Abonbon?

With filling?

How do l know?

It�s good.

No,

it'sbon-bon.

Good for the drops.

l feel very relaxed.

You'd feel even better if you softened your skin with a bath.

I�ve already had a bath.

But not a milk bath, Joaninha,

not a milk bath.

The bath is ready.

Go, my child,

while l seek you on the Milky Way.

Who is it?

It�s Esther.

Sorry to bother you at this time of night,

but have you got some parsley?

I�m making fishcakes and they're not nice without parsley.

l went to the corner shop

but somebody had taken the last.

l don't know what things are coming to.

The place was cleaned out.

But this is a turnip!

It�s all l have.

The top chopped up has many uses.

In fishcakes?

May l?

As it's you.

l came to see you.

l was afraid you'd drowned.

It�s great.

l could stay here the rest of my life.

You can't.

Don't forget milk turns sour.

Then make cheese out of it...

An answer for everything.

Joaninha - ladybird- fly, fly!

Fly away home...

This milk isn't going to be thrown away.

No?

I�m going to make an ice-cream of it with your marvelous perfume.

Joaninha ice-cream.

Ladybird, fly away home!

Milk and honey!

Milk and honey!

Oh! Not there.

You're making me want to pee.

Do it in the bath.

Let it flow.

Isn�t that dirty?

Dirty?

The right amount

of bitterness and patriotism needed that to attain perfection.

Shed the stellar rain

of your lustral urine upon my head.

You frightened me!

l only did a few drops.

l slipped.

It must be good. What is it?

Is it Paradise?

I�ve never tasted anything so good.

Want a spoonful?

It�s all for you.

I�m all sticky.

l stole a piece of Paradise.

What's the matter?

I�ve eaten too much.

l don't feel well.

Would you like some tea?

What an awful tummyache!

You're going to fart a lot, but it'll go away.

Come and sit here.

On top of those eggs?

Won't they break?

They'll break but it's a sovereign remedy.

l didn't know.

The virtues of ancient medical arts.

Are you feeling better?

l feel as if I�m hatching chicks.

It�s your maternal instinct.

I�m laying so many eggs.

You're the mother hen

and I�m the cock

who's going to mate with you, little chick.

The only one that didn't break.

What does that mean?

Nothing.

Fry it if you like.

The pain's back.

I�m all sticky.

Can l go to the bathroom?

Shall l save the caca?

No. Too much of anything smells.

''A soft and pious glance;

''a gentle, honest smile;

''a sweet and humble gesture of uncertain guile;

''a quiet, ashamed vivacity;

''such grave and modest repose;

''a pure, tender-heartedness, sign of a clear, gracious soul;

''a timid audacity,

''meekness,

''fear without guilt,

''air serene,

''long and obedient pain;

''this was the celestial beauty of my Circe,

''the magic venom that transforms my thoughts.''

''... the magic venom

that transforms my thoughts.''

Take your trousers down.

Take your trousers down.

I�d prefer not to.

Take them down, for your own good...

You talk tough, with that shit in your hand.

l don't want to dirty my hands on a load of shit like you.

Not even a puff?

He won't last the night.

That's what you think.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

What's your name?

My name's Mimi.

Don't you have Paradise any more?

Never heard of it.

I�m new here.

Does Judite still own the place?

As far as l know. Judite and Mr. Scardanelli.

How many flavours?

What do you suggest?

l never tell customers their tastes.

The specialty is Scardanelli, with egg strings.

Just vanilla then.

That's 230 escudos.

Thank you.

Do you want a dish or a cone?

A cone.

Thank you.

I�ll try the salmonella next time.

l don't want to go back to hospital yet.

Our ices are reputed to be the best in the country.

They come direct from Italy and conform to safety EEC's regulations.

Does that mean they've closed the factory in Benfica?

A solemn warning,

this person is never to darken this doorstep again.

Leave immediately. l never want to see you around here again.

Without even giving me notice?

Your notice was sent to you in good time

and for good reason. - l never got it.

Leaving the job without a word,

immoral behaviour with both staff and customers,

abuse of trust,

practices of singularly unwholesome falsification,

harmful both to public health and our good reputation.

Shall l go on?

My good man,

you're lucky I�m not taking it further.

l fed and clothed this creature.

l did the best for him.

When he first came here in rags it was enough to break your heart.

l felt sorry for him but l was too soft.

This is how he paid me back.

Tore the arse of my best employee,

a poor orphan,

just up from the boondocks,

who cried her heart out in my arms.

Fortunately she's in Finland, with a friend of mine

who left his wife and daughters for her.

A good girl, Rosarinho.

Then he got involved with a child,

caused a lot of talk,

a scandal.

Girl's father heard about it,

he took the law into his own hands,

and beat this fellow up.

Bless him!

A pity you're still alive!

Had it been me, I�d have strangled you.

Killed you like a mad dog.

He's sick,

a sexual pervert.

He even drools when he eats ice-cream.

You're not getting rid of me,

l am condemning you to stay.

English subtitles Margaret Kelting