Original subtitles

[Hajime] What do you wanna talk about Keita? It's not that rash again, is it?

[Keita] I was just wondering if they were gonna cancel the fine arts festival.

Oh, good god, you're the lead.

Who are they gonna replace you with? Tom Cruise. [laughs]

[Keita] But it's a role where I get cursed by a ghost and almost die.

I read about this actor once.

He got a part just like that and then died under mysterious circumstances.

Hajime, would you take my place for the lead role?

ME? No way. Have you seen the female lead? No thanks.

That's what I thought.

Hey, maybe if the gymnasium catches fire, they'll cancel the show.

What?

[Keita] I hope it does catch fire.

Pyro.

Oh man! I gotta walk home today.

Holy crack addicts, it hit the gym!

[Keita] No way...

You don't think it happened because I said something, do you?

About you

About me

About someone

About something I don't know

Please tell me

A story I haven't heard before

In order to make it come true

I open up my heart now

Even though I'm lonely

How often have I been too shy to say

“I want you to pay attention to me?"

If I'm going to tell a little lie anyway

I could do so more skillfully, but...

Living my life nervously

I see nothing but walls standing in my way

And before I know it, I'm in a labyrinth

I don't want a life like that!

If that's "the me I don't know yet"

Then tomorrow should be

A little more attractive to me

The Curtain Is Raised! The Cursed School Fine Arts Festival Kutabe!

[Keiichirou] It's black.

I guess the school fine arts festival's not gonna happen.

I can't believe it!

And I stayed up all night working on my costume and props.

Oh, my! What a gifted seamstress. I hope you're not a homosexual.

A Jew who can act and sew, so obviously I'm gay.

I'm not gay, you born-again homophobe half-wit,

but I'm going to be the lead in the "Phantom of the Ghost Opera."

I can tell you that, yeah.

I've seen him act, Keita. You don't have a thing to worry about, trust me on this one.

What do you think? You're the Principal.

Hm... I hate the arts festival. But it pays for the football team.

This year's festival will be at the old schoolhouse!

What?

[lots of kid chatter]

[Hajime] Keita! Where you been? I've been looking everywhere for you.

Aren't you going to the play rehearsal? They're waiting for you.

This isn't about that trailer thing is it?

You know, there are rumours about ghosts at the old schoolhouse.

I mean, what if those stories are true, Hajime?

[Keita] What if some accident happened to me? Then someone else would have to take the part.

NO, that part is yours, Keita. No little dradle-spinner's gonna take your place.

Keita?

[Keita] I'm just gonna go to rehearsal.

My fingers are bleeding! Look!

So, have I been cursed by the ghost after all?!

Bravo! Somewhere Keanu Reeves is getting nervous.

Good job, G-rated play, PG-13 violence. Let's see Hadley beat this one.

But if something bad happens to him, I get to do it, right?

Bet the PTA's gonna freak, but I like it!

Word!

[gasps]

[gasps]

[Hajime] Keita! Keita!

[Keita] Oh my god, this hurts.

Keita! Somebody do something! [Keita] Oh my god, this hurts.

Keita! Somebody do something! My pee-pee... crushed. Ow... Mommy.

Call an ambulance and find me the damn understudy! My pee-pee... crushed. Ow... Mommy.

Call an ambulance and find me the damn understudy!

It's me!

[Keita] Aren't any of you bastards gonna help me?

[Satsuki] Are you for real?

[Hajime] Uh... yeah.

Keita wished the gym would catch fire. Boom.

Hoped he'd get hurt. Smack.

The stairs are cursed.

Cursed stairs? You're kidding me; cursed stairs?

God is bigger than any demonic curse.

And true believers like me don't believe in curses. We have Jesus.

If we ask the stairs, nothing will happen. Only prayers get answered.

Oh, good god.

I think that's a great idea!

Cool. Let's test this out!

[Satsuki] I want a huge allowance and breasts, when I get older.

[Hajime] And when I get older I want to fondle said breasts.

[Momoko] I pray that all my friends will become born again Christians.

[Leo] I hope Keita recovers, but not soon, and I get the lead in the play.

What?

The lead? You remember what happened to the first one.

That's fate. I was always the right choice for the lead.

Everybody knows Keita got that lead on the casting couch.

And besides who better to take the lead role in a play about a ghost

than the school's resident psychical researcher.

JAmanojaku] You get a free wish and that's what you're goin' for?

Loser.

[Satsuki] What do you want?

All humans are idiots and human children are even worse.

And YOU four are the most pathetic I've ever seen.

[Hajime] Keita's dead.

[Satsuki] I wish something like that would happen to me. I've got finals.

[Leo] I got it!

[Satsuki] Oh, hi Leo.

I got the lead in the play and I didn't have to spend one minute on the casting couch!

I don't care what you say, Tammy Faye, those stairs rock!

No, I don't think so. I'm still poor and flat chested.

So?

So I don't think this cursed stair wish thing is legit at all.

And YOU haven't touched my breasts. Have you?

No!

And the way all of you are still acting you're going to Hell.

Oh, I get it. Your wishes didn't come true because you're all selfish.

My wish came true because my talent deserves a wider audience, yeah.

I don't know, something doesn't seem right about all this.

What do you mean?

The lead is supposed to be this really hot dude with an enormous schlong all the chicks dig.

And look who got cast.

What are you saying?!

That I'm so physically repulsive no girl would want me?!

Yeah, pretty much, Tiny.

I'm hung like a mule.

Well, Leo, you're no Dicaprio.

[Satsuki] I think you're just being paranoid.

[Momoko] If you want something to happen you just need to pray.

And not be a Muslim, or Jewish.

Wait a minute, you don't think it's just things that are associated with that play

are the only ones that come true do you?

Huh?

If that's the case, I'm worried.

In that terrible script, there's a line which goes, “break my neck and die.”

[Amanojaku] Now that's a play even 1d check out.

All right, cat! Where are you?

So every line the nerd speaks in the play is going to come true, huh?

This'll be the first R-rated bloodbath to ever be performed at an elementary school. Sweet!

[gasps]

By the time he figures out he's cursed...

His parents'll be childless well before the second act.

Oh, my stars and garters, I do love show business.

Shut up cat. And listen, you don't know Leo well enough to be mean to him. Just us.

What if curses ARE true? Leo will be killed and go to Hell.

[laughing]

The rehearsals are cursed too. It might be curtains even before opening night curtain!

You can be such a prick, you know that?!

By the way, did I ever tell you?

The more scared you dumb meatsacks get, the more powerful this little black kitty becomes!

Tonight Leo's family will have sukiyaki for dinner!

What?!

I have faith in my Lord Jesus. I don't believe in cursed stairs and this test will prove it.

Good onel

If they don't have sukiyaki, then our theory is as bogus as Scientology!

All right, let's go!

[doorbell chimes]

[kids] Trick or treat! Just kidding.

Well, hello! Leo didn't tell us we were having company, but it's always good to see you!

Perfect timing, kids, we just started cooking sukiyaki.

[GASPS]

[Leo] What are you doing here? You're supposed to go through my agent.

Leo, listen to me. Quit the damn play and hold out for something better like "Cats 2."

[growls] I'm sick of you all! You're just jealous of my talent and envious of my mega-celebrity.

Get out! Take your autograph books and go home!

[slam]

[Hajime] Leo!

[Satsuki] Hollywood.

[Momoko] Unbelievers!

“Oh cursed hanging clouds of black and oppressive sky of blue!”

Hang on, lemme give myself a line reading. Okay, got it.

Oh cursed hanging clouds of black and oppressive sky of blue!

Unleash your dark lightning fury. Let your rage be true!

Bring on your mighty wind!

[rope creaks]

Let anger burn from eastern sea and rage from other coasts!

I may have never been to me but I have been a ghost!

[rope creaks] [wood cracks] I may have never been to me but I have been a ghost!

And all of the others of my kind will die and when I fall so shall I!

[GASPS] [Leo screams]

Leo!

Leo! Are you all right?

Dammit, you guys!

You're supposed to drop Leo after he finishes saying his next line.

Don't yell at us! It's not our fault! We didn't do it!

Leo's fat ass broke the beam!

[crack]

[gasps & screams]

[crash]

You guys probably sabotaged that beam to give credence to your ridiculous haunted curse story.

That and the fact that you're jealous!

[thunder] That and the fact that you're jealous!

Huh?

[thunder crash]

[SCREAMS]

What the fizzityuck was that?

Let's fizzityuckin' find out!

[gasps]

Why couldn't it hit the math building?

Or science, I hate science.

It's the stairs. I'm tellin' ya man, the stairs are cursed.

Those stairs are not cursed!

We may have seen certain spiritual phenomena lately,

but a simple thunderstrike is not proof of another.

This is a simple meteorological occurrence that happens all the time!

The Today Show said it would rain!

Look here, white Al Roker,

a lightning bolt just struck this stupid gymnasium two days ago!

This is not a natural meteorological occurrence.

And Leo I have to break it to you,

this play really blows.

[Amanojaku laughing]

Now the damn cat! I bet you're behind this! Aren't you?!

You're the one who said you fed off our fears.

Are you the one causing this?! Fess up!

[Satsuki] I hope you choke on a hairball.

[Amanojaku laughs]

Hey!

See there? There's no such thing as a bunch of cursed stairs, Paranoid Patty.

It's your cat!

Now I want you to put him under lock and key.

I go on tomorrow night and I've already sent an invite to the 7imes.

I'll be in my trailer and I don't want to be disturbed.

Sor-ry, look at Jennifer Lopez go.

Dumb actors. Anyway we just need to make sure he's safe.

Then when he makes it big, we take our 15%.

School Fine Arts Festival Auditorium Reception

Year 2000 Amanogawa Elementary School School Fine Arts Festival

Year 2000 Amanogawa Elementary School School Fine Arts Festival [applause]

[applause]

[Amanojaku] Let me outta here!

I've lived in castles and ruled kingdoms! How dare you put me a kitty carrier?!

[Hajime] Don't push it. I've got the muzzle in my pocket.

[Amanojaku] But I'm telling you, I haven't done anything!

Satsuki! My class is all finished.

Take the cat. And DON'T let him out.

Okay.

Come on, Leo Olivier's about to go on.

Right.

[Momoko] We must save him! Right.

[growls]

[gasps]

[Amanojaku] Well, look who's here.

Where the hell are those morons? I'm about to start and I need my crew!

I told Hajime not to be late with my blood squibs!

[Teacher] Leo!

What?!

Hadley's here. Break a leg.

Right. [sighs]

Today fifth grade, tomorrow Inside the Actors Studio.

Year 2000 Amanogawa Elementary School School Fine Arts Festival

Year 2000 Amanogawa Elementary School School Fine Arts Festival [PA] “The Phantom of the Ghost Opera”

Year 2000 Amanogawa Elementary School School Fine Arts Festival [applause]

[applause]

Shalom, Leo! [applause]

My baby! [applause]

[applause]

I'm telling you kid, you gotta let me outta here!

An old buddy of mine just showed up and that's NEVER a good sign.

Don't listen to him, Keiichiro.

Shut up cat!

I'll cover up those air vents with duct tape if you say one more word.

All right, let's go.

Okay, you're gonna be a good kitty, aren't you?

Me?

Oh, I'll be just perfect.

But don't come cryin' to me when the understudy's gonna need an understudy.

Oh behold from my fingers... Blood!

[gasps]

But I don't have my blood squibs.

I must be a better method actor than I thought.

Wait! Something's wrong. My body won't move!

Somewhere Keanu Reeves...

...must be getting nervous.

What do you think you're doing?! You can't be back here!

Look stage hand, I don't have to listen to you.

Leo's not dead yet. We're not late.

Wait, something smells.

Besides the play?

I've got his props.

[Hajime] Leo's not a sudden hemophiliac, is he?

What?

[Satsuki] He's bleeding like a stuck pig out there. What's going on?

Maybe it's just ketchup. It couldn't be real blood, could it?

Stigmata!

Oh, Jesus.

I don't get it. We locked up that damned cat.

This'll be the first R-rated bloodbath to ever be performed at an elementary school. Sweet!

[laughs]

Oy freakin' vey.

I'm cursed by a ghost after all!

By the time he figures out he's cursed...

His parents will be childless well before the second act.

Leo's going to die.

I should have given him the number of Jews for Jesus.

Hey!

[Satsuki] Remember what that cat said?

He told us he saw a ghost earlier!

[Hajime] Yeah...

I bet that furball can pick out which one in this book of supernatural mug shots!

Hey, kid c'mere.

Huh?

I'm getting a little light-headed. I think I'm running out of air.

You don't let me out, you're a cat killer.

But I... they told me not to do that.

Pussy! I guess you always do what your big sister tells you to do.

Okay...

Hey! Later!

[Satsuki] Keiichirou!

Where's the damn cat?

Well, he...

WHAT?!

Keiichirou, what are you retarded?

Sob.

Obviously, which way did he go?

Wah-wah-wah!

"Wah-wah-wah!”

Now we'll never find out who the ghost is!

I hope to God you're adopted.

Sob, sob.

[Momoko] It's all right, Keiichirou darling.

What?

Satsuki, look there, in the ghost diary...

Huh?

— HAS NO ACTUAL BODY, JUST A SHADOW — AT TIMES, MANIFESTS ITSELF IN FLAMES KUTABE

Oh cursed hanging clouds of black and oppressive sky of blue!

[fwoosh] Unleash your dark lightning fury!

Oh...

Aren't you glad we came, Howard? They're so cutel

They're not that cute and for the last time we are NOT having kids together.

“I put Kutabe in spiritual sleep. A statue of Jizo was his resting place.”

“It resided on the fourth step of the stairs,

and it was a scary ghost who would turn the words spoken there into reality.”

That's it!

Dammit! The fourth step is the only one that works!

[Satsuki] That's why our wishes weren't granted!

And I'm still in a training bra.

We need to be put that thing to spiritual sleep in a hurry!

Well, duh!

[thunder]

[Satsuki] WHAT?!

Who took the damn steps?!

[truck engine]

Hey, hold it!

What?

That staircase is gone. Don't suppose YOU know anything.

Yeah, some drama teacher paid us to tear it down.

Now if you don't mind, I've gotta get home to my trailer, wife and kids.

Bet you can't wait to get older.

Oh, hell.

[rumbling thunder]

Hey, look this is Jizo.

[Hajime] You're right.

[Satsuki] There's a talisman on it! I wonder if that's what Mom used?

[Keiichirou] Someone chopped off his head.

[chuckling] He said, "head."

Hey, here it is.

[thunder] Hey, here it is.

Hey, here it is.

Don't just stand there. Fix it.

I was gonna use this glue for your big mouth, but I guess masonry'll do.

JAmanojaku laughing]

That's so sad I could cry.

And just when you finally learned how to put Kutabe to sleep too.

There you are! Listen to me you stupid cat.

Where is Kutabe?

If you don't tell us, Leo's gonna break a lot more than a leg tonight!

So?! I'm a ghost! I don't care! One less human kid running around isn't gonna break my heart.

Oh, you're just bitter because you're dead and in the body of a cat!

If you don't help, I'm takin' you to the SPCA and puttin' you down!

Fine. I'll still have eight lives left! This cat thing definitely has its advantages.

[Momoko] Amanojaku...

You!

[thunder] So you're telling us that you don't mind?

[Amanojaku] Not at all.

So then, you're familiar with all the lines in the play?

Let anger burn from eastern sea. And rage from other coasts!

I may have never been to me but I have been a ghost.

Let anger burn from eastern sea. And rage from other coasts!

I may have never been to me but I have been a ghost.

And all the others of my kind will die!

WHAT?!

I thought that piece of crap was written by Andrew Lloyd Weber!

If all the ghosts are to cease to exist, what do you suppose will happen to you?

[growls]

Now, if there's anything you know, cat...

[thunder crashes]

Spill it!

[growls]

Fine. It's the stairs.

The ghost resides inside the damn stairs.

[gasps]

They're onstage! The steps are on the set!

[fwump] They're onstage! The steps are on the set!

Wow, she musta been tired.

Momoko! Is that you?

Huh? Where am 1?

Heaven. Get up.

Oh, quit makin' fun of the Christian. We gotta save Leo!

[gasps] Gotta go. Move it, Haji!

That was freaky.

What?

You sounded like Mom. I didn't know you did impressions.

What are you talking about?

Oh, my goodness, do I need to get back on my medication?

Are my eyes red?

Yeah...

[Laughing]

That bad, huh?

Oh, it's awful, but the real puzzler is we're not pulling on the rope and Leo's still floating!

[gasps]

That's him, I mean it.

How's the play?

Awful.

Here, and don't dare complain if they're not in your size.

[thunder crash]

Okay, I like you the least so I nominate you. Go.

Dammit!

[thunderclap]

Okay, hit it.

Right!

[kids chanting] Kutabe, Kutabe, kick the bucket.

Kutabe, Kutabe, you can suck it.

Kutabe, Kutabe, kick the bucket.

Kutabe, Kutabe, you can suck it.

Kutabe, Kutabe, kick the bucket.

[kicks the bucket] Kutabe, Kutabe, kick the bucket.

[kicks the bucket] Kutabe, Kutabe, you can suck it.

[Keiichirou] Kutabe, Kutabe... oh, are we done?

And now! Lightning strike! Lightning strike!

[thunderclaps]

[screams]

[crowd murmurs]

You must have done something wrong.

[gasps]

What happened? Did I win the Tony yet?

I get it! The curse was lifted by my acting!

I'd like to thank God. And my parents!

You like me! You really like me!

[applause]

Leo! [applause]

You're so wonderfull [applause]

[PA] Fifth grade, group three, the play was, “The Phantom of the Ghost Opera.”

[Hajime] Leo! [PA] Fifth grade, group three, the play was, “The Phantom of the Ghost Opera.”

[Momoko] Praise god! [PA] Fifth grade, group three, the play was, “The Phantom of the Ghost Opera.”

Hey, my posse!

Now THAT's a play.

I just give God all the glory.

Oh, no, no.

I was only thanking God because all the celebrities do it. He didn't do anything.

Besides if I really want my acting to kick into high gear, I gotta go Kaballah.

[offstage applause]

Huh? [offstage applause]

[offstage applause]

Nice job, Leo. I'm very impressed.

I don't usually go in for improvisation, but you made it work.

Huh? You really think so? Maybe I should write, direct and star!

I could be Kevin Smith! But I'd talk more in my roles.

[laughs]

God, what an egomaniac. [laughs]

God, what an egomaniac. Listen, would you try to sneak me out the back?

He even makes Chris Patton look humble. Listen, would you try to sneak me out the back?

He even makes Chris Patton look humble. I wanna make sure I get a good table at the Ivy.

Or Greg Ayres. I wanna make sure I get a good table at the Ivy.

Hal Don't get too full of yourselves.

Remember, if it wasn't for me, your friend would be headlining in Heaven.

Or according to born again Betty, Hell, since, after all, he is Jewish.

[Keiichirou] Kaya!

You, what do you want?

Thanks a lot man.

HUH?!

Gibberish. [laughs]

I think she's right.

You are retarded.

[Keiichirou] What'd I say? Where ya goin'?

From beyond the sunset, there is a mirage

I miss you, I miss you

I need you, I need you

Sexy, sexy

Hey, won't you come to my room?

I'll let you in on a secret

My heart was drenched

By the outrageous night as well

Time cannot be turned back

Come back, come back, come back

From beyond the passion, there is a mirage

Rock it, rock it

Rock it, rock it

What feels good is paradise

If we can meet at that place

Which burns furiously

Rock it, rock it

Rock it, rock it

Sexy, sexy

[piano music]

[ghostly voice] Listen four times, and you'll die. [piano music]

[piano music]

Listen four times, and you'll die. [piano music]

[piano music]

Listen four times, and you'll... DIE!! [piano music]

[piano music]

[Satsuki] Somebody stop it!