Original subtitles

Sometimes it's hard to be faced with the truth, so we pretend not to see it.

Well, I can handle Megan Fox.

Can who?

I just took the Can You Handle Megan Fox quiz. It says I can.

Bulge magazine, really? You want me to read? I'm reading.

Hey, Robert, I'm going to go to the bar to order a drink.

Would you care to join me?

Uh... I can see that you're trying to communicate with me, and I want to know

what it is. So, yes.

How to get her to bring her pals into bed?

With a Z?

They have movie reviews, too. They give Hurt Locker three thumbs up.

Those aren't thumbs.

Okay. Business of the utmost secrecy.

Business at the store is... Well, there is no business at the store.

That's too bad. Yeah, and I gotta make some money, so I have a job interview

with the Bulls PR department.

Well, that's great.

But I haven't done the whole Dark Sox job interview thing in quite a while.

Maybe you can help me prep? Of course.

That sucks about the store, though. I feel bad for Kenny.

What did he say?

No, I can't tell him. I really think you need to warn him. Like, as soon as

possible. Who wants to have that conversation?

I'll tell him when the time is right. Now, listen.

There's a super secret Code Red can't tell anybody situation.

Hey, copy?

Yeah.

Hey, you guys.

Hey. Hey.

You guys remember my sister Tracy, right?

Yeah. Yes, she's staying with me for a little while. Oh, what happened to

Got really sick.

Sorry to hear that. Came down with a case of dickhead -itis.

Ah, yes.

Oh, and we're going to that Mongolian barbecue place tomorrow to celebrate her

freedom. Galby, I love that place. No matter what I put on my plate, they just

mix it on that grill. And it all comes out the exact same, like a giant pile of

brown. Extremely delicioso. Glop, yes. Love it. In when?

Tomorrow, 8.

We'll see you there.

Done. Oh, Mike, we've got to take a trip out to Fond du Lac.

It's state sale. Guy's got a bunch of great Packer stuff.

I'm in.

Really? Yeah, uh, we can use my nephew's pickup.

Okay, well, I gotta get home and file my story by 10, so I'll see you guys.

Uh -huh, I'll be right there.

Okay, oh my God, this is perfect.

How often do you and your chick get fluffy in the barnyard?

Well, in a perfect world, my chick and I would get fluffy twice a day. Please,

you'd die in a week. Okay, it says here 16 times a month.

It's ridiculous.

Four times a week?

Seems low.

What? Three times a week for us.

Minimum. Plus Free Skate Thursday.

Wait, what do you mean Free Skate Thursday? No, don't ask, please. I'm

four times a week is low?

Well, you tell us. You're dating someone.

I mean, that means guaranteed... Boop!

Does four times a week seem low?

I don't know.

Oh, look. Avatar got six bulges.

Yeah, but they gave John Mayer's new album Four Hummin' Hummin' a Swing, and

it's not that crazy.

You like that?

Oh.

Hey.

Hey, Peach.

Dude, I'm playing this kid from Latvia. He's like 14, but he's awesome.

Oh, thanks, babe.

No way. In there?

Well, go get it. Hurry up. Hurry up.

Hey, I am going to go take a bath.

Go to bed.

I'm just going to be in the bath.

Some candles and some bubbles.

Okay, babe, I'll try not to wake you.

To my girlfriend, Rini, because I'm a grown man.

Oh, oh, no, you're shooting me, you're shooting me.

No matter how hard we pretend, it's impossible to ignore the truth.

Where's Bobby at? Oh, he'll be here. He, uh, needed a nap after work.

Oh, good.

I got home after 3 a .m. and he was still up playing that video game.

Yeah, found asleep when he came to bed.

That's not right. A man should be in bed with his lady. Can I just say that if

you were my lady... Which I'm not, and don't say my lady. But if you were, we

wouldn't be playing good army versus bad army. We'd be playing Mike versus your

band. You've got to get a girlfriend, man.

Is that why you were so bent out of shape about the four times a week? Bent

of shape is a little strong.

Well, you've hit it. You're there.

You've reached the NTO.

No.

Wait, what is that? The NTO, all right? The natural tapering off. Every

relationship has one. The red hot lava passion has to cool.

I mean, without the NTO, you would burn each other up with your fiery love blaze

power rods.

Ew, so many times.

Happens to everyone.

I mean, usually it happens in the eighth year of marriage, but you're an old

soul. Nothing to be ashamed of, okay? Every relationship needs to cool off a

little bit.

Okay, so there's nothing to worry about, right? I mean, it's not me.

No. Guys are thick. Just be straightforward.

Tell Bobby how you feel.

No, I don't want to say something and then have sex. I won't know if it's, you

know, pity... pity sex or what. I just... I want him to want me. I'm sure

does. Don't panic.

It's natural. Just give him a little nudge. I'm sure he'll perk up. You've

in a relationship long enough that you've actually reached the NTO, okay? I

haven't had that in a long time.

Whose fault is that?

It ain't my fault.

Dude, they always do something. You know, whether they're finishing my

or they're wearing their hair in the pigtails, or they're doing the baby

mean, one Wendy, it's time for me to fake a tapeworm.

Kenny, you okay, man?

No. Uh, this came from the accountant.

I gotta shut the store down. But I can't fire Mike. It'll kill him.

No, dude, I think he'd be okay.

You really should tell him. No. I'm just gonna burn the store down and collect

the insurance money. I know a guy.

Yeah, but you always said that guy was Mike.

Besides, you'd never survive jail. Wrong. Step one, find your hustle.

Cigarettes, magazines. Step two, you find the biggest guy there, you throw a

chair at him.

Listen, you gotta promise not to tell anybody about this.

Oh, man.

Hey, how was business today?

Same. We'll rebound.

Yeah, we will. We'll come back stronger.

Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about a mini mall in Chumberg.

We talking expansion?

That's why we're partners.

Oh, my God.

I want to live here.

I am so happy.

Kenny, you don't have any vegetables on your plate at all. You're going to get

scurvy. Only pirates and models get scurvy, and I have a vegetable. Thank

Water chestnut. That's a nut.

So,

Brendan. Steffi tells me you collect comfort posters. Yeah, of course. Do you

know Justin Hampton? Love Justin Hampton. He's a genius. He has an

Thursday and DJ Turnbuckle's spinning.

Seriously? We're going to that. I know we are.

DJ Turnbuckle? And Justin Hampton. That's completely meaningless to me. Me

They've done all this preparation beforehand.

We're going to take these great aphrodisiacs, asparagus, oysters,

We're going to put them into one meal that says, let's get it on.

Right? First thing we're going to do is we're going to chop up this asparagus.

We're going to eat it.

PJ, what are you doing here?

Seriously?

What are you doing here?

Bobby wanted to see me in a suit. I thought you went to the gym.

I did.

I actually got some oysters and chocolate mousse and a movie.

Why are you in a suit?

You can tell her, but that is it. Mike has a job interview.

Oh, tell Kenny?

He's not telling, Kenny. Dude, you have to. I will tell him when it is time for

that. Until then, it is time for me to get the bull's job. And now you know my

life.

Can you pretend to be the head of HR?

Well, actually, I was hoping that, um, we could make some dinner and curl up to

a very particular movie.

Yeah.

What do you need?

Sit here, ask him these questions.

Wow. Oysters and moose. Thanks.

Yeah, no problem.

What experience prepares you for this position? Prepares, P -R -E -P -A -I -R?

That is an excellent question, HR lady.

I think... Dude, I love this movie.

I forgot, Mickey Rourke used to look like a person.

Yeah, and Kim Basinger was so hot, you actually forgot how crazy she is.

Night,

Pete.

Well, that's great.

No, thank you so much, Barbara.

And may I call you Babs?

Okay, I won't. No, no, I'll see you Monday.

J to the O to the B to the B. One too many Bs. I got the job, buddy.

Congrats. And now you can break the news to Kenny. No, no, no. Dude, I haven't

even given him notice.

Now, use your head, okay? You have to tell him. What, are you just going to

showing up for work?

No, I'll just rock both jobs until the store turns around and he doesn't need

me. And when you say rock both jobs, what's your solution to the can't

be in two places at once thing?

Surgery, dead aunt, time -space continuum. I'll figure it out.

Dude, please. I'm getting a stomachache.

So I spent $65 on food, and now I have a crisper full of oysters.

You guys are just in a rut, all right? Gotta shake things up to get out of it.

I'm not bringing my pals in the bedroom.

Hey, my friend, you have assets which you generally do not work, all right?

Time to work them.

Hey, like how?

Well, if it was Mike, I'd say rent a fluffy bunny outfit, but, uh,

sexy librarians, oldest time.

Okay, so just to be clear...

You are suggesting I actually dress as a librarian?

Sexy librarian.

Look, come on, you can do this. Show me what you look like with your hair up.

Go on.

Wow, your hair is smoking like that.

Why would I say that?

What's wrong with me?

Go get me a drink, and I want a small bowl of nut.

Brando, come with me.

What are your intentions with my girlfriend's sister?

Well, we're going to the Justin Hampton show.

What do you mean? If you screw up, I will have both Lane's sisters sitting in

living room glaring at me, saying things I don't want to hear.

Why do men always, and that's just like a man, and even Kenny here... We're

going to have a good time, all right? Relax.

I've been on a million dates.

That doesn't help, okay? I'm just saying, you mess this up, you're dealing

her.

Wine?

Hey, guy.

Hey. Hey. Where'd you run off to after lunch, Mike?

Oh, yeah. Mike, why don't you tell the man where you ran off to?

I had some kind of surgery. What?

Hey, I had an idea for the Schomburg store.

Online auctions.

That's my partner. Always thinking.

Did you hear yourselves?

I love working with you, man. Me too. We should do it forever.

So great. Look at your hair.

Oh, it's my fun mood hair.

I'm in a fun mood.

Want some wine?

Maybe a lot of it? Absolutely.

Mommy needs a wad of wine, Bwenden.

Ooh, they have a shawaz.

So, here you go. I brought you the Louboutin.

Now you're going to tell me what's going on between you and Bobby?

Oh, no, it's nothing.

I think we're in a little bit of a rut. How long has it been?

Honestly, since before he moved in.

What did Bobby say about this?

Oh, no, no, no.

Nobody wants to have that conversation.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm just going to get out of this rut with some red shoes.

Why do you hurt me?

These aren't shoes.

These are Louboutins.

These are incendiary devices.

I couldn't even carry these in a paper bag.

Otherwise, the bag will... I know what incendiary means.

Okay, fine.

But be careful.

Bobby won't be responsible for his actions.

Rainey, you're complaining to the wrong guy.

Okay, hold on. Let me get to the train station.

Hello, Mr. Newman.

Hey!

Are we having sex? Sundays?

Sort of.

It's my girlfriend. I don't know. She's dressed like she's running for

president.

Oh, it sure is hot in this library.

I really have no idea.

What?

No, no, no.

Rini, she's not with Falcon because it's a game and we're not fighting in a real

war. I don't want to have this conversation again.

you doing?

No, not you, Rini. Get back in the roundhouse.

Hey. Oh, hey, man.

I got a Tracy problem.

You mean like a problem with how much you like her or like a problem figuring

out when you should propose?

Date two did not go well, okay? She had fun mood hair.

I'm out. Oh, dude.

Hey, guys. Hey, what's going on?

Brando's ruining my life.

Yeah?

Tracy, not feeling it? Not feeling it. Well, you better start feeling it, okay?

Because I got two sisters complaining about everything.

I have to clean my toothbrush.

The what? You know, I got to clean off the toothbrush handle. Yeah, the

toothpaste ooze settles down into the toothbrush mug.

Drives me crazy. And that is why I'm single.

That's not why you're single.

Brandon, why don't you just tell Stephanie that you think her sister's

What's the problem?

That's why you're single. I can't, man. Would you want to tell Stephanie you're

not into her sister? I mean, dude, come on. You got to help me out here.

Brandon, this is between you and Stephanie.

I'm talking to a ghost.

What are you so dressed up for?

Um, funeral.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

Brendan, how did your date go with Tracy?

How did she say it was?

Great. She said it was great.

It was.

It really was.

Okay, that is it. You know what? People just need to say what is on their minds

right now.

I mean, we all know that everybody at this table is lying a little bit, okay?

it's time that people come clean.

Brendan?

Are you lying about my sister?

All right, Steph. Look, your sister's great, okay? I just, you know, I'm so

right now.

What are you talking about?

Well, my therapist, I mean, said that I shouldn't even date anybody for like a

year, so, you know. You're not in therapy.

Well, also, um, I don't date women of color.

What?

What about Monica Lambert in college? She was black.

Was she?

Oh, Brando, this is your bottom.

So you'd rather come off as a racist and say you don't want to date my sister?

I'm sorry, Steph. I like her. I really do. I just, I don't know. I don't see us

having a future together.

Can you believe that?

You're ruining my life.

Plus, her sister is a terrific woman.

Kenny, Kenny, it's okay.

Okay, calm down.

Sometimes two great people don't gel.

It's okay.

Sorry, Steph.

No worries, honey.

Tracy's a big girl. So what are you going to tell her?

Oh, I'm going to tell her that Brendan hates black people.

Mike, what about you? Did you have something you want to say?

I like black people.

Mike.

Kenny, I can't work at the store anymore because I got a new job.

With the book.

And I started today, so I quit.

Oh, my gosh.

That's great.

Really? Yeah, it's great because you're fired.

No way.

Yeah, I met with the accountant. He says we got to close the doors. That's

great. It's not that great, but I'm glad to know that you're going to be all

right. There we go.

Doesn't that feel good to just clear the air?

I mean, we're all friends here, guys. So if we're not being honest with each

other, what are we even doing?

Yes.

Come on, do I have to?

Everybody up. Come on. No, I have checks.

Don't care.

Let's go.

Where are we going?

Brando's room.

Really?

What's going on?

I read this stupid article about how often couples have sex.

And, I mean, we haven't, you know, since you moved in.

And I'm kind of worried that something's wrong. And then Brando told me about

the NTO.

Brando?

You should have talked to me.

No, I know that, but if I talked to you, it would secure the result. And then

Mike agreed.

Mike? You talked to Mike about this? I find that very confusing.

I've never been in here.

No, me neither.

This place smells funky.

Robert, will you take it easy?

Dude, what is that smell?

Sock? Gerbil.

You have a gerbil? Yeah, I'm eight.

I'm just... I'm afraid you don't find me attractive anymore.

Paige, what are you talking about? I find you incredibly sexy.

I mean, you're gorgeous.

And you don't take crap from anybody.

And you know Carrie Wood's ERA is rookie year.

34.

God, I want you.

No, but then why are we tapering off?

I mean, my feelings haven't tapered off. You know, I don't want to taper off.

It's not you.

I guess, I don't know, I guess I just haven't felt very sexy lately.

Like I lost all my mojo or something.

I don't know, maybe it's just the stress of everything crashing down and my

family and no apartment, no money.

But babe, none of that matters to me.

But I thought chicks were into straight cash dollars.

What are we going to do?

This level of disorganization makes me uncomfortable.

Can you hear them? Are they still out there?

I'm not nosing in their business.

Kenny, listen at the door.

I don't want to press my face against Brando's door. What if it sticks?

Don't fling things.

I'm not a monkey.

Listen, we are going to have to go through stuff like this, but we have to

able to talk about it. I know.

I know. Wow, we're really, like, in a relationship.

I know.

It's a brave new world.

Hey, you want to know what Greg Maddox's career ERA is?

Oh, don't do that.

Oh, it's 316.

Oh, yeah.

We at least need our beers. I can't take this anymore. Let's just pick which one

of us we're going to eat.

I'm not going out there.

Pete, I need my phone.

I got to pee and all my jars are full.

Even though it's embarrassing and sometimes painful, it's always best to

the truth with eyes wide open.