Original subtitles

[Ava] So, as you may recall, a little while back

Turns out these clowns were up to a lot more than we knew.

Welcome to Abbott Elementary,

the best elementary school in the universe.

What's the deal with all the cameras?

We have, like, a Vanderpump thing going on.

- Don't worry about it. - No!

No. I think I'll be spending my time on the other side of the camera.

- Thank you very much. - See?

- Yeah, okay. - Totally get that.

- [Dennis] What are we doing? - [Charlie] Go, go, go. Go.

[Frank] Close that door and lock it.

- Okay. I got an idea. - [Dennis] Frank,

let's not make this a whole thing, please.

- [Mac] Just a quick in and out. - [Dee] The faster we get it done,

- the better. - [Frank] I see an opportunity here.

[Charlie] How's a school an opportunity?

[Frank] It's not just a school. It's a gold mine.

then we could be outta here in a week. All right?

Look, I don't wanna get lice from one of these kids.

Did you guys know that Black people can't get lice?

Dee, that's, like, crazy racist.

No, no, no. That's just science.

It's the lice who are racist.

- [Dennis] All right. Hold on, hold on. - Racist lice?

She's a dud. She's a giant dud.

But I have an idea: You follow me around,

make me the star of whatever this is,

and I will make this shit pop. Right?

I'll steal her man. I'll expose her for the dud she is.

What do you think? Let's work together.

Huh? Oh.

No. No. What are you [stammers] We're just doing the one thing, okay?

You guys are talking about five different things.

For Christ's sake, you're all over the place.

What talent? What you talking about?

Yeah. There's kids, like, that are taller than me.

I say we recruit one for the basketball team at St. Joe's.

- No, no, no. - Dude. Great idea, man.

- They've been sucking ass, bro. - We are just doing the one thing. Okay?

My mind was going to terrible places.

Anyway, they got off that idea and bounced to the next one

like one of those ADHD kids.

The only thing I will say is, their coffee was fantastic.

These people were passionate, but dumb as shit. [chuckles]

'Cause at some point they argued themselves right into conspiracy theories.

- So it had to be a hoax. - [Frank] Of course. Yes.

I mean, steel would not melt at that temperature.

I mean, take fire to steel and see if it melts. It won’t.

- [Frank] This is good. - [Charlie] A little pitchy at times.

- [Dennis] Very good singer. - Very nice.

- He's a little pitchy, but it's fine. - Yeah? But [stammers]

My main concern is he's coming off like kind of a nerd.

You know we've already got our nerd.

- We need a bad boy. - We do.

Hey, Steven, would you say you’re a bad boy?

Okay. She was right.

Between fighting teachers, pissing in lockers and the boy band thing,

I should have booted their ass.

Because that white woman was going in.

Knock, knock, knock. I've got a piping hot

caramel macchiato for a Melissa.

That's me.

- Oh, there you are. - Thank you, Dennis.

It's my pleasure. Absolutely. Hey, Go birds.

- Go birds. - Hey, listen.

Um, might I trouble you with a query?

Okay, I'm gonna stumble through one.

Don't worry if you get it wrong.

- Okay. Yeah. - Let's just try it for time. Okay? Um

Okay. And

♪ Caitlin Clark And Angel Reese ♪

♪ Captain Sully hit some geese ♪

♪ Marijuana legalized ♪

- Fair. Fair. - Yeah. That's a good question. Like

So we realized that the kids don't know anything about 9/11 really.

It's like a joke or a meme to them.

And, like, "Never forget," you know?

We said, "Never forget," and they seemed to have forgotten.

I love this. I mean, I love this.

Human beings have been educating one another

- [Dee] Goddamn pricks! - Always a step ahead of us! Fuckers!

I mean, the Ed Hardy jeans.

- The spiked hair. - [Dee] Yeah!

[Mac] Plus the eyeliner! That was my look.

- He stole it from me. - [Charlie] It was your look, Mac!

That has been your look!

- [Dennis] Goddamn Fall Out Boy. - [Charlie] This goddamn Fall Out Boy.

I've got nothing for this.

for every minute of content they could.

It reminded me of that verse on DMX’s "What You Want."

"There was Brenda, LaTisha, Linda, Felicia."

I wasn’t mad at it. It was a bop.

Look, at the end of the day, did I like those people?

No. I did not.

But I will admit

Yes, no. Fair. Um, yeah.

Well, listen, we just wanted to let you know

that our experience with you really touched us.

You know, you blindsided us with your heart

and your care for those children.

And while Frank is sorry that he couldn't be here today,

He must’ve ripped out about a hundred feet of copper.

But on the bright side,

the state was gonna make us move out some old pipes,

so actually he saved us a few grand in construction costs.

I’m gonna lose my job if anyone sees this, so burn those tapes.