All language subtitles for i_love_lucy_s09e03_lucy_meets_the_moustache

The Lucy Desi Comedy Hour.

With special guest stars Ernie Kovacs
and Edie Adam.

With Vivian Vance, William Frawley, and
Little Ricky.

Hi, honey. Hi. Hi, Lucy. We're going
down to the village.

Want to come along?

No, Ricky will be home soon. I better
hang around.

What's the matter? Can he open the door
by himself?

He's been very depressed lately.

I just like to be here when he gets
home.

Is business at the club bad?

No, business at the club is all right.

It's just that he hasn't had any movie
or television offers in such a long

He's beginning to think maybe he's in
the wrong business.

Well, if he's smart, he'll do what I
did.

I got out of the business the day
Vaudeville died.

Vaudeville didn't die. You beat it to
death.

Gee, Lucy, you'd think there'd be a part
for him on some TV series.

Do you know that he hasn't even had an
offer to stand up in the audience on the

Ed Sullivan show?

Listen, instead of going to the village,
why don't you stay here and wait for

Ricky to come home and help me cheer him
up, huh?

Sure. All right.

Okay, let's have a cup of coffee. All
right.

Thanks.

Gee, honey, I'm sorry to hear he's so
depressed.

Oh, you don't know what I've been going
through. It's just been terrible.

Here you are, Fritz.

How do we cheer him up?

Oh, just smile and be gay.

Act happy.

Fred, that's quite an acting job, girl.

Boy, this is pretty strong coffee.

Oh, that's one of little Ricky's jokes.

Every time he gets his allowance, he
runs right down to that magic shop.

There's another spoon over there,
friend. Thanks.

I think that's cute.

He got his allowance again this morning.
Heaven only knows what he'll come home

with this time.

Oh, that must be Ricky. Smile. Be gay.

grins off your kisses, it isn't Ricky.

It's little Ricky.

And he's getting out of a long, white,
continental limousine.

A what?

Just how much allowance do you give that
kid?

That belongs to Ernie Kovacs. Oh.

And a chauffeur, too.

Naturally. When you spend that kind of
dough, they probably throw a chauffeur

as standard equipment.

her, Kippy goes to little Ricky's
school. Sometimes when the chauffeur

her home, he brings him home, too.

Well, I'm glad little Ricky's running
around with rich gals.

I wish I had.

I wish you had, too.

You, too.

Hi, honey.

Hello, Crandall. Hi, Reddy. Hey, madam.

Uh, Crandall, it's Mr. and Mrs. Mertz.
How do you do? How do you do? How are

you, Crandall?

That's some boat you got there.

What kind of mileage do you get? Very
good, sir. Are you thinking of buying

How about practicing your drums?

I'll practice before dinner when I get
home.

All right, I guess that's okay.

Thanks, Mommy.

Oh, excuse me, that's my back door.
Excuse me, that's not the back door.

the phone in the car.

Good day.

Nice to have met you. Come along, young
man.

A phone in a car.

That's what I call luxury.

Oh, wouldn't I love to have a limousine
with a telephone in it?

Well, I'll make a deal with you, Ethel.
You buy the limousine and I'll get you

the phone.

producer wanted me to audition my act
for his television show.

The day I have to audition is the day
that I get out of this business.

For two cents, I move right back to
Cuba.

Now can we start filing?

Cuba? He's in worse shape than we
thought.

Oh, that. He always threatens to go back
to Cuba when he's upset.

What are you doing back here so soon?

I...

many times have I told you not to fight
with girls? Especially rich ones.

She said her daddy was a bigger star
than my daddy. Is he?

Not to us he isn't.

Now go practice your drums.

Don't include me in that, us. Ernie
Kovacs is a bigger star than Ricky

Oh, Fred, shush.

How do you think he got that car? Saving
cigar coupons?

Honestly, Fred.

In fact, I saw in the paper this morning
where Ernie Kovacs is signed to do ten

big television shows this season.

Maybe he could find a spot for Ricky.

Yeah, he's looking for acts.

And he's holding auditions. I'll go get
the paper. Yeah, Fred, go get the paper.

Gee, this may be just the perfect chance
for Ricky.

I don't know. You heard what he said
about auditioning.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Gee, if there was just some way I could
get Ricky to audition without his

knowing it.

What do you have in mind, hypnosis or
Novocaine?

You know, I could ask the Kovacs over
here for dinner tomorrow night.

And then while we're sitting around
having coffee, I could say, let's have a

little entertainment.

And then I could suggest that Ricky play
his guitar and sing.

Oh, now, wait a minute. Won't he get
suspicious if you suggest he sing?

Oh, yeah, I guess you're right.

Who else is there? Me. I can do it. You?

Yeah, me.

Where is it again we're going for
dinner?

Ricardo's. Ricardo's.

Oh, their little boy goes to school with
Betty and Kippy. In fact, he's one of

Kippy's best friends.

Yeah, all of Kippy's friends are her
best friends.

Which one is he?

He's the one that twisted her arm and
kicked her in the shins yesterday.

Oh, that best friend.

Oh, Kippy was very friendly, too.

She scratched his face and pulled out a
handful of his hair.

And why are we going over there? For a
summit meeting?

Getting together a few props.

You know how it is when you go to
somebody's house to ask you to entertain

the time. Not tonight, they won't. Mr.
Ricardo is an entertainer himself.

Oh, is he?

What's he do?

He's Ricky Ricardo, the band leader.

Oh, you know, the one that plays the
bongo drums. Yeah, yeah, that one.

We used to call him the Cuban Grouper.

What's he doing now?

He's in the nightclub in New York.

I'm sure we'll be asked to entertain.

Some performer feels he's insulting
another one if he doesn't ask me, you

That's your opinion. But what are you
doing with my sheet music?

You don't think you're going to get out
scot -free, do you? I got the easel for

this in the garage. I'm sure I'll ask
you to sing.

Now, aren't you jumping at conclusions?
I mean, now, if one plumber goes to

visit another plumber, do you think he
takes along a monkey wrench and they

spend the whole evening fixing leaky
faucets? I don't know. I've never been a

plumber.

The last month's bill. I wish I were.

Well, what are you doing now?

I got a big date of mine when I get out
early. I set this at ten.

When it goes off, we can leave. Oh.

Look, it's ten o 'clock now.

Isn't that a little rude?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right.

I'll make it five after ten.

Oh, Edie, it must be a load of fun being
married to a comedian.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

Ernie, would you like a cigar?

Oh, yeah.

I'll have one of mine. Uh -oh.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

While we're all sitting around doing
nothing, how about some entertainment?

Yeah, let's have some entertainment.

Well, I'm not used to entertaining in
the living room, but I...

Did bring along some props.

Did a couple magic tricks.

Is he as comical at home as he is on
television?

Yes, but the only trouble is at home I
can't turn him off.

Let's see.

That way.

Very good so far. Yeah.

And the promise...

You'll be glad to know.

how beautifully your son plays the...

Good night, Bing.

Good night, Greg.

Good night.

I'm tired, Jude. I think I'm going to
bed.

Okay, dear.

Good night, Ethel. Good night, Ricky.

Good night, sweetheart.

Good night.

I hope you sleep well.

Pleasant dreams.

What's the matter with you, Ken? Can't
you do anything right?

Well, if you don't like the way I was
handling... Well, when I ask you to do

something, why don't you try to do it
the way I ask you?

Hello? Lucy, Ernie Kovacs calling.

Ernie? Don't tell me you're home
already.

No, no, no, I'm calling from the car.
Listen, I just had a thought that was so

exciting I couldn't wait to call.

How do you think Ricky would feel about
appearing on my television show?

Yeah, okay.

Oh, how are you going to tell him? Oh,
I'll never be able to tell him.

Look, maybe if I tell Ernie that the two
Rickys do an act together, then maybe

he'd hire both of them.

I'll go over and talk to Ernie the first
thing in the morning. Oh, gee, honey, I

hope it works.

don't mind having one of them bitten
off.

Oh. When is he having his coffee?

He isn't. He's in such a foul mood this
morning, he's skipping it.

Well, I've just got to talk to him
before he leaves.

Oh, Lucy, you couldn't have picked a
worse morning? The plumbing's on the

again, and he's in the kitchen with the
tea kettle.

Shaving. Oh, well, I've just got to take
a chance. I must warn you, he'll

probably growl at you like a mad dog.
Oh, nobody can be that bad.

Maybe not, but I hope you carry a bone
in your purse.

you like this, especially before you've
had your coffee, but this is terribly

important and I... I just must talk to
you.

I'm delighted that little Ricky is going
to be on your program and I know that

he's going to do a wonderful job for
you.

and Ricky, although he's doing very well
in business, and he's very successful.

Have the cream, please.

Oh, I thought maybe the cat had your
tongue.

You see, my husband even... The cream.
The cream. Back of your... Oh.

Oh.

This is the same kind of cream that
Ricky uses.

I'll shake it for you.

Listen now.

Ernie, what I wanted to discuss with you
is...

I'm delighted that little Ricky is going
to be on your program, and I know he's

going to do a wonderful job for you, but
you see... That's enough. My husband,

enough. I haven't even started yet.

No, he's taking the cream. Oh.

Let's see now. Where was I?

the shirt you were going to wear, huh?

I thought that it was a towel.

Would you please leave? Well, I did want
to...

He almost cut his.

Quiet.

Ricky's still upstairs asleep.

He was up half the night celebrating.

Poor guy. How are you going to break the
news to him? I don't know.

I'll never be able to tell him that
Ernie would rather hire little Ricky and

him.

What?

I heard everything.

Everything?

I knew it.

I'm through.

Finished.

Oh, now, honey.

I will be known as the father of Ricky
Ricardo Jr.

Oh, now, dear, remember what you always
say. There's no business like show

business.

Where I really belong is on my uncle's
tobacco plantation in Cuba.

The way he keeps saying that, you'd
think when he first came over here, he

bought a round -trip ticket.

Oh, good morning, Crandall. Good
morning, Mrs. Ricardo.

Your purse.

Oh, thank you.

I'm always misplacing it. Mr. Kovacs
asked me to come in and get the cigar

he left you last night. Oh.

He said he left it on the... coffee
table.

Oh, well, you don't have to wait,
Crandall. I'll get it and bring it out

Kovacs. I'm sorry, Mrs. Ricardo. Mr.
Kovacs gave me strict orders. I was to

bring the cigar case out personally.

It's empty.

I think I'll give Mr. Kovacs a little
present.

Would you give that to Mr. Kovacs with
my compliments?

Thank you.

I haven't given up on him yet.

Good thinking, girl.

Maybe a good cigar will get him to
forgive me.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning, dear.

Your breakfast is ready.

Okay, Mommy.

Don't go away, Ethel.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy what?

What are you doing?

Ricky wrote a letter to his Uncle Carlos
in Cuba and asked me to mail it.

Did he also ask you to knit it?

I want to read it. This has replaced the
old -fashioned steam method.

I

wonder

if J. Edgar Hoover knows about this.

ever learned to do that?

I saw someone do it in an Alfred
Hitchcock movie.

A spy?

No.

A housewife.

My dear Uncle Carlos, forgive me for
writing in English, but it has been so

since I have written in Spanish that it
is much... Ethel, can you make this word

out? I have more trouble reading Ricky's
handwriting.

It looks like...

Oh, easier.

It is much easier to write in English.

Oh, he writes worse than he talks.

You were right, Uncle Carlos.

Anyone who goes into show business is...
That means crazy in the head.

I know.

If your offer to let me run your tobacco
plantation is still open, I am ready to

move back to Cuba.

your loving nephew, Enrique.

Oh, Lucy, I'll never see you again.

Oh, now, Ethel, I have no intention of
moving to Cuba.

How are you going to avoid it?

By making one last stab at trying to
talk to Ernie Kovacs.

If you think he'll listen to you after
what you did to him, you're loco and

you're cabeza.

Well, I've got to try.

Look, in the first place, deep down,
Ricky really loves show business.

In the second place, this is our home.

In the third... place can you imagine
little ricky on a tobacco plantation

raising exploding cigars come on ethel
make yourself useful how well i'm over

the kovacs trying to talk to ernie you
figure out how to sneak this back into

the envelope

be pretty angry.

No, as a matter of fact, he was quite
calm.

When he left the house this morning, he
kissed me goodbye and he said, darling,

if I ever see that Ricardo woman again,
I'll kill her.

Oh, dear.

I didn't know that cigar was an
exploding cigar.

It almost blew off his mustache.

Oh, my gosh.

But it's all right. He's touching up the
bare spots with black shoe polish.

Apologize to him, but I've just got to
talk to him. Well, Ernie won't be home

until Monday, but maybe by then he'll be
all cooled off. Oh, I hope so. You see,

Ricky and Little Ricky do an act
together, and I've just got to have

both of them. Oh, dear, but Ernie's
spending the weekend upstate at his

sponsor's country club.

They're doing the final casting for the
show.

Oh, Edie.

He's taking the whole family and he's
quitting show business and he's moving

all down to a tobacco plantation in
Cuba.

Well, that sounds pretty drastic.

station and pick up Mr. Kovacs and take
him to the country club.

I should be back about midnight.

Is there anything I can do before I go?

No, thank you, Crandall.

I'll get Mr. Kovacs' luggage and put it
in the car. Fine.

Edie, did Crandall say he was picking
Ernie up at the station?

Mm -hmm.

Gee, if I could just get to talk to
Ernie in the car, I know I could

him to hire Ricky.

What makes you think he'll let you in
the car?

How would Crandall like the weekend off?

Oh, he'd love it.

Thank you, Crandall, for the ride.

It's quite all right.

Lucy, you look wonderful.

Thanks, Cecil.

Yeah, you ought to grow a mustache.

Hey,

now don't forget, you're going to have
little Ricky over for dinner tonight.

Right, and I'm supposed to ask big Ricky
over, too. Yeah, and I'm supposed to be

at the PTA meeting. Gotcha.

Okay.

The Supreme Allied Command had less
complicated plans when they invaded the

continent.

Look, Fred, all you have to do is keep
quiet in front of Ricky. Yes, Fred.

Well, let's go home. Home?

What did we come all the way down here
for?

Because all my life I've wanted to ride
in a great big limousine driven by a

chauffeur. No, for corn's sake.

How are we supposed to get home?

In a taxi.

You had your dream for today, Ethel.
We're walking.

He's got no class.

Hi, Crandall.

How'd you do?

How are things? What's new?

Not very much, actually.

You know, Crandall, your voice sounds
different.

What's the matter? You got a cold?

Yes. As a matter of fact, I have a
beastly cold.

Why don't you see a doctor? Oh, did
that, you know.

Did that.

He says I'm full of germs.

Nasty, contagious germs.

Sure it's all right for me to come along
now? Oh, sure.

Besides, I'm very anxious for you to
meet my sponsor.

Yeah, I'd love to meet him.

Say, listen, instead of driving back
with Crandall tonight, why don't you

for the weekend? I've got plenty of
clothes.

Thanks.

I was sure lucky to bump into you in
that train.

Yeah, I didn't know that you and little
Ricky didn't act together. I wouldn't

wait until now to sign you for the show.

Well, that's very nice of you, Ernie.

And listen, don't you worry about Lucy.
I guarantee you she will never come near

you again.

I don't think the, uh...

one, Ricky.

Lucy's a lovely woman. And a wonderful,
wonderful wife.

Yeah, but sometimes she acts a little,
uh... Yeah.

Un poquito loco en la cabeza.

That's Spanish for a little praise in
the head.

I wouldn't say that.

Why, don't you agree with me? Yeah, but
I can't speak Spanish.

If Lucy comes near you one more time,
you can fire both Little Ricky and me.

you don't have to do that.

You wouldn't have to.

You got a deal.

I bet she's going to be happy when she
hears that I'm going to do the show with

you and Little Ricky.

Why don't you call her?

I tried calling her for the station, but
nobody's home.

Wife's like a policeman.

Whenever you want him, you can't find
him.

give Lucy the news and tell her she
won't be home for the weekend. Oh, good.

Mobile operators.

Hey, Randall.

Naturally, all this talk about my wife
being a little peculiar.

Let's just keep it between the three of
us, eh?

Edie? He said he was coming from the
car.

Listen, I bumped into Ricky Ricardo, and
he's going to do my show with me.

Yeah, he and his little boy do an act
together. Well, then Lucy didn't have to

talk to you at all about getting a job
for Ricky.

No.

Oh, what a shame. And she went to all
that trouble dressing up like Crandall

nothing.

and tell her the news and tell her that
Ricky won't be home till Monday.

Lucy's right there in the... Did you
hear what I just said?

Yeah, that's right, darling.

Bye -bye.

Oh, uh... Randall, the motor sounds a
little strange to me. Better stop and

under the hood.

Sounded fine to me.

Nothing wrong with the motor.

Take a look at...

I guess he was going to try to talk me
about hiring you for the show.

Well, deal's a deal. I guess I'm fired
before I start. Forget it. You're still

with the show.

Well, that's very nice of you, Ernie.

I've got to teach that woman a lesson.
I'm only trying to help you. Yeah, yeah,

try to help me, yeah.

She was only trying to help me when she
almost made you cut your throat.

She was only trying to help me when she
gave you a cigar that exploded in your

face. If she doesn't stop trying to help
me, you're going to wind up in the

hospital.

Maybe you ought to teach her a lesson.

You want to join the faculty?

We'll just have a little fun with her.

Okay, Professor.

with the motor, Crandall?

No, sir.

Sounded to me like the motor is missing.

No, sir.

It's not missing. It's still there.

Your voice sounds different, Crandall.

I have a cold, sir.

You didn't have it this morning.

No, sir.

Where'd you get it?

Oh, just now. I was looking at the
motor, sir.

from the van, you know.

Say, Ernie, this is quite a car. How
many cylinders does she have?

Oh, no, Ricky. How many cylinders,
Grandel?

Cylinders?

Yeah, Grandel, how many cylinders does
she have?

I'd like to hear some music, sir.

No, no radio, Crandall. I don't want to
hear any music. How about the 7 o 'clock

news? It's only 6 o 'clock.

Well, maybe it's on early.

Get my luggage, Crandall.

Don't forget the golf.

That's his sponsor.

Well, you'll meet him tomorrow morning.
Sure.

Give us a little more time to have some
fun with Crandall.

too, sir.

Sorry,

sir. Goodbye, sir. See you Monday, sir.

Just a minute.

Look, I...

It doesn't seem quite fair to have
Crandall drive all the way back this

night. You're absolutely right.

I've been a cad, Crandall.

You'll stay here tonight and drive home
in the morning.

Oh, thank you, sir, but I couldn't
possibly stay overnight, sir.

Why not?

I have a date, sir.

A date?

Yes, sir.

You, a married man with six children?

I have a date with my wife, sir.

Oh, calm now, Grando.

Don't tell me you have to make a date
with your own wife.

Ever since the sixth child, she's been
very formal.

Well, you'll have to forget it. You're
going to stay here tonight, and that's

order.

Yes, sir.

Well, shall we go up to our room?

You won't mind there wasn't an extra
room available? Oh, it's all right with

I'm sure it's all right with Crandall.
I'll sleep in the car.

Well, you'll stay with us.

I'm terribly hungry. I'd like a bite to
eat, sir. Well, eat up in the room. Oh,

I'll eat in the car, sir.

Up in the room. Yeah, well, I didn't...

Crandall,

how long have you been eating wearing
your hat and gloves?

Since I had the... stolen in the
restaurant, sir.

Say, I'm kind of beat. I'd like to turn
in.

Yeah. Whose lips where?

I'll sleep in the car.

I'll sleep here, sir.

Oh, Griner, don't tell me you sleep in
your uniform.

Why not?

A good chauffeur is always ready for an
emergency, sir.

uniform is too hot and itchy.

You'll find a pair of my pajamas hanging
in the bathroom.

Crandall, I guess it's a sleeve. Yeah,
it must be.

Say, Ernie, have you heard this new joke
going around?

No, no, no, I haven't.

This traveling salvo, see? He comes to
this farmhouse.

And he knocks on the door.

And as the door opens... My, George,
this is hot and itchy. I'll scratch in

car.

Ricky,

how long do you think we should keep
this up? I think she's sad about it.

Hey, listen, that story about the
traveling salesman, what's the rest of

it?

Oh, there's no more to it. I just made
it up to see Lucy Squirm.

It's a shame.

I like the way it started.

Yeah. Are you finished, sir? Yeah.

in case you dream about driving, you'll
be dressed for it.

All right.

Crandall, will you see who that is?

Mr. Kovacs, room. Crandall speaking.

dirty trick on you.

He's coming right up. He's going to give
us a rubdown before we turn in. I'll go

first.

Lucy!

When did you find out? Just now. That
was Edie calling.

I knew it. I married a stool pigeon.

I'm sorry, Lucy. We gave you such a hard
time.

Well, I guess I had it coming after the
hard time I gave you.

Miss Honey, I was only trying to help.

Look, Lucy.

From now on, you can help me.

But not trying to help, yeah?

I'm floating cigars around. I never know
when I'll need a spare.