Original subtitles

The Lucy Desi Comedy Hour.

With special guest star Paul Douglas.

With Vivian Vance, William Frawley, and Little Ricky.

Oh, I thought you had a Cub Scout meeting yesterday.

We did. This is an emergency meeting.

Emergency?

What happened? Didn't you learn to tie your knots?

Yeah, we learned. Today we have to untie them.

Untie them? We couldn't find any ropes, so we used Mr. Ramsey's neckties.

Hi, Mommy.

Hi, sweetie pie.

Bye, Mommy.

Listen, before you go, what would the men of the house like for dinner

I can't seem to think of anything different.

Oh, I don't care, honey. Just anything.

I don't care either. Oh, you two are a big help.

All right.

How about steak? We had steak last night.

I like hot dogs.

Yeah, well, you had hot dogs night before last.

You decide. You always come up with something good. Oh, sure, I always come

with something good. I'm so sick of planning meals.

Have you any idea how many meals I've cooked in the 18 years we've been

No. How many?

Well, now, let's see.

365 days a year, three meals a day. That's 15, 18, 19, 10, 1 ,095

times 18 years.

Ah, 30, 17, 30, say, oh, 5, 6...

19 ,710 meals.

What about last Saturday night when we had dinner at the Ramsey's?

All right, 19 ,709 meals.

And what about all the times we went out to restaurants or we were invited out

to dinner?

So I got a few meals off for good behavior.

And I gave him even 19 ,000. Good.

That's exactly how many times you told me the same sad story.

a housewife is a big bore.

Cook the meals, do the dishes, make the beds, dust the house. Cook the meals, do

the dishes, make the beds, dust the house. Hey, what do you know? It says

that Daddy K is going to London to give another command performance of Queen

Elizabeth. I wonder what the Quinn is cooking for Phil tonight.

Oh, listen to this.

Paul Douglas is starting a new television show early in the morning

Well, goody, goody, I can watch Paul Douglas while I cook the meals, do the

dishes, make the bed.

All right, all right, all right, Lucy, all right, that's enough.

Maybe enough for you, I'm just getting warmed up.

Hi, Lucy.

Oh, hi, Ethel. Hi. Hi, Fred.

Well, you ready to go to the market?

Ethel, what are you having for dinner tonight?

With my allowance, anything that's on sale.

Fred, what would you like for dinner?

Somebody else is cooking.

Oh,

you know, it's that popular record, Housewives Lament by Lucy Ricardo.

I know all the lyrics.

The last line goes just like this.

For two cents, I go out and get myself a job.

Honestly, for two cents, I go out and get myself a job.

What do you mean, get it out of my system?

Listen, girl, once you start working, you'll find out that it's just as

and boring as being a housewife. Nothing is as humdrum and boring as being a

housewife.

Besides,

what makes you so sure you can even get a job?

I didn't have any trouble getting a job as a housewife.

Well, that was only because the boss was in love with you.

Oh, fiddle -faddle. You don't know how good you got it. Oh, sure, I got it

great. Besides, if you've got a job, who's going to cook the meals, do the

dishes, make the best of the house?

I'd hire a housekeeper.

A good housekeeper costs 40 or 50 bucks a week.

I don't worry. You can get one for 25.

Where?

Oh, now, wait a minute. Why shouldn't I get 50?

That's for a good housekeeper.

Hey, that's a great idea.

What's a great idea? You're being my...

It would be like found money. You could work here part -time and still take care

of your own house. Oh, now, just a minute. Why not? You're over here most

time anyway. Why not get paid for it?

Hey, I never thought of that.

Well, now, take your time. Think about it. I'll take it. Good.

Wait a minute.

You're not serious about this. Certainly am. I'm going to get a job.

Good for you, Lucy.

Listen, since when are you on my side?

Since you decided to hire Ethel. Oh.

Hi.

Hi.

Find anything yet?

Well, there are hundreds of jobs available.

Anything look good?

They all do. They're just one trouble.

What? In order to get a job, you have to know how to do something.

Well, now, that just doesn't seem quite fair.

I...

Back in the show business.

Go back?

When were you in show business?

Never mind.

Hey, here's something.

Broadway producers looking for experienced dancers up to the age of 25.

So?

I've had years of experience.

They mean dancing, not years of experience being 25.

This is it. Paul Douglas is starting a new early morning television program,

he's looking for a Girl Friday.

How do you fit in there?

All a Girl Friday has to do is walk across the stage, pass things to the

and sit and smile into the camera. And the four things I do best are walk,

sit, and smile.

Gee, I better get going.

Where are you going? Into New York. They're having interviews at 2 o 'clock.

You better get busy, Ethel.

starting as of right now, you're my housekeeper.

How do you know you're going to get the job?

Please, I do not discuss my private life with the help.

Pardon me, but it's quarter of two. What time are you expecting, Mr. Douglas?

He should be in any minute now.

Looks like I'm the only one applying for the job.

You're the only one applying for the job who came two hours early.

Oh, well, I'm usually early.

As a matter of fact, I was born at three o 'clock in the morning and I wasn't

expected until six.

My name's Lorraine Crawford.

And I'm Sue Casey.

Oh, yes.

Will you please be seated? Mr. Douglas will be here any minute.

I'm Joy Lansing.

Oh, yes.

Will you have a seat, please? Thank you.

Hello,

Larry Thomas to see Mr. Douglas.

Yes. Thank you.

Hello, Sue. How have you been?

just as soon as Mr.

Robinson gets here. I'll see you in a minute.

Miss Nancy, will you come in and bring the mail, please?

Doesn't he have a sweet expression?

I'll say.

Don't let those cow eyes fool you.

What do you mean?

The eyes may be cow, the rest of them is all wolf.

How do you know?

His secretary told me.

I don't believe it.

Listen, I'm warning you. Once you get inside that office, you're in real

trouble. Why?

Did you notice that letter opener that the secretary was carrying when she went

inside?

Yes. That isn't just for opening letters.

Self -defense.

Oh, my gosh.

Thanks a lot, honey. That's all right.

He'll like to be his girl Friday.

Being his girl Friday isn't so bad. It's what you have to go through Saturday

and Sunday.

What do you mean?

I hope you like wrestling, dear.

Wrestling?

That's enough for me.

Well, if he's so horrible, what are you doing here?

I'm a judo expert.

Oh.

Well, good luck, honey.

Thanks a lot.

I can take care of myself.

You may think you can, but you don't know him.

Paul Douglas is the biggest wolf in town.

A friend of mine was a script girl on his last picture.

Poor thing.

What happened?

She lost 30 pounds, Mr. Douglas chasing her around the set.

No.

The picture started, she looked just like you.

Exquisite.

Before the picture was finished...

You'll be out of the sanitarium in about a year.

Hi.

Just what do you think you're doing?

Me? I don't mean your Aunt Sophie.

I heard you telling all those bald -faced lies about me to get rid of that

And where are the others?

Well... You told them the same lies, too, didn't you?

Well, yes, I did.

Why? Just why did you do it? I was desperate. I wanted the job as your girl

Friday. You must be out of your mind. I wouldn't hire you if you were the last

person on earth.

Miss Massey, phone those girls and tell them to get back here as soon as

possible.

But, Mr. Douglas, I've had show business experience. I'm Ricky Ricardo's wife.

I wouldn't care if you were Xavier Cougat's wife.

Mrs. Ricardo.

and I guess the people who look at your program are interested in glamour girls.

Say, you've just given me a great idea.

I have?

Yes, my program is aimed at housewives. Oh.

And if there's one thing a housewife likes to look at, it's another

They do?

Believe me, in the morning, my wife looks like anything but a glamour girl.

What does she look like?

Like you.

she wants to look at on television.

Miss Maxie, would you bring your... Oh, hello, mister. Hi, Paul. I'm sorry I was

late. Oh, don't think anything of it. Come on in the office. I'll take your

Goodbye, miss.

Oh, wait a minute. I've got a great surprise for you.

Meet your new girlfriend.

show. Now, after I introduce you to the weather, hello!

If you're going to be on the show, at least try not to act nervous. Okay, I'll

be all right, Mr. Douglas.

I'll be all right. That's fine.

Now, as I say, after I introduce you, I'm going to do the weather. And while

giving the weather reports, you pick up the proper one of these discs, you know,

like sunny or cloudy, you know what I mean? And then you put them on the

blackboard over there, see, on the proper places.

with these suction cups on the backside.

Places, everybody. We're on the air in one minute.

Now, look.

Over here, please.

Now, after we do the weather, I'm going to take you over to the cook's corner

where we will demonstrate... Are you listening?

Lucy?

And when you look into the camera, do as I do. Just imagine you're talking to

one person.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Just talking to one person. That's right. Forget the other 20 million

Lucy Ricardo, My Girl Friday.

My Girl Friday.

Good morning, early bird.

This early bird didn't catch a worm. She caught a frog in her throat.

She's going to be just fine.

Archie? Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Yes, all right. Well, I imagine we might as well get moving now, and I know all

you early birds want to know what... what the weather's going to be like all

around the country, so here we go.

With the weather report, the, the, the weather report.

Go right ahead.

Thank you.

The weather report.

Oh. Up, up, up, up, up. That's it. That's right.

Now, the New England states are going to enjoy warm, sunny weather today.

Put the basket down.

Now, warm, sunny weather, New England states.

Oh, you're coming closer.

How you doing? That's it.

Warm, sunny weather. That's fine.

Yep, that's right.

Boston will hit a high of 72, New Haven 68, New York 70.

Now, the South Atlantic states won't be quite so lucky today. The report from

there indicates some cloudiness with a threat of rain.

No, a little further this way.

Oh, yeah. Proudiness, threat of rain.

You're doing just fine. Yes, indeed.

That's in Richmond, overcast with a high of 58.

Charleston, possible showers, a high of 56.

Atlanta, overcast and probably...

Where was I now?

Oh, in Miami Beach, and of course, we'll clear up in the late afternoon. Now,

we're all set?

Fine, that's good. Now, as we move over toward the mid and the far west.

The mid and the far west. That's it.

You started fine. I told you that. Yes, indeed.

Well, the mid and the far west, we see are in for some real spring sunshine.

Real spring sunshine, the midwest and the far west.

Oh. Thank you.

Now, let me see.

I told you before, we're going to move to the cook's corner. The cook's corner.

Where I am going to demonstrate the art of cooking a lobster in your own home.

Now, would you care for a chef's hat?

There you are, Lucy.

You know, it's a very funny thing how many women are afraid to tackle a

anywhere but in a restaurant.

Well,

I'll show you how to prepare a dinner featuring lobster right in your own

Now, first, the boiling water has to be salted.

See? Then a soup song of cayenne pepper.

And then perhaps a tablespoonful or two of vinegar. You see? There we are.

What's that for?

That adds verve to the crustacean.

Oh.

Thought you liked that. Now will you get me the carton, please?

Not there. On the stove, please. On the stove.

That's it.

Now take the lobster out of the carton.

No!

It's a lie!

Of course it's a lie!

Now, will you pick it out of the box?

Pick it out of the box.

We'll get on with our recipe in just a few moments.

Pick it out. Won't hurt you.

in there.

You can't put a poor little helpless lobster in boiling water. It's murder.

That's the way... That is the way everybody cooks them.

Does that make it right?

Ah, Lucy, it's some girl Friday.

Put it in there, will you? We're on the air.

I'd rather you drop me in that water. Oh, don't tempt me.

Now, I'm going to drop it gently into the boiling water. Wait a minute. Let me

do it.

You want to do it now? I'll do it, Mr. Douglas. Fine. Well, you see, it's very

simple, and that's a good girl. And I've got some real kitchen hints for you

housewives. You see, as you work in the kitchen, if you just clean up as you go

along, you'll just... Thank you.

You'll discover that you will have lots of leisure time. All good chefs keep

immaculate kitchens. And this gives you the opportunity to...

Relax, sit down, and while the lobster is boiling, you could even have yourself

a smoke or just make yourself come down.

Well,

that's our show for today, folks. We certainly hope you'll all be with us

tomorrow. So until that time, goodbye.

Goodbye.

Mr. Douglas, it's just that I was so nervous. That's why I made so many

mistakes. If you let me have your trousers, I'd be glad to sew them up.

here. I won't make this many mistakes tomorrow. All right, all right. Please

don't give it a second thought. Don't worry about it. Thank you. You're very

nice. I understand exactly how you feel, and don't worry about tomorrow.

Thank you, sir.

Because you're fired.

Well, I can't say I blame you. I guess I ruined your television show.

You may have ruined television.

This is unbelievable.

Mr. Robinson, it will not happen again. I just fired Mrs.

Ricardo. Fired her? She was the best thing on the show.

The switchboards are swamped with calls from all over the country.

People thought she was hilarious.

It's a wonderful new concept for a morning program.

Young lady, I'm signing you to a contract for the run of the show.

You two are going to be together for the next three years.

She said she'd be late.

I've been here since 5 o 'clock this morning.

I'm willing to work a 40 -hour week, but I don't want to do it all in one day.

Well, you know, she said they had to sign all the new contracts and take

publicity pictures and all that stuff.

You know, I can't believe it.

Lucy on television.

Yeah, it's wonderful.

I'm so happy for her.

You don't look happy.

Oh, I am happy. I just haven't got the energy.

rush to the club, so you can tell it to me when I come back, all right? Goodbye,

honey.

Hi. Hi, sweetie. Did you hear the good news about Mommy?

I'm late, Mommy.

Mr. Ramsey's driving us to the meeting.

Oh.

Congratulations.

Thanks, Ethel.

Gee, what are you here? You know, after we signed the contracts, we all went to

21. Honey, I... I'd love to hear about it, but I've got to get over to my house

now and fix Fred's lunch.

Lunch at 7 .30?

Well, I'm just a little bit behind schedule.

Oh, I see. When Rip Van Mertz wakes up, send him over to our place.

Fred, my new contract, it has a three -year clause, non -cancellable, and it's

just what I've always wanted.

I knew you'd be excited, Fred.

leave to catch my train.

I'm sorry I wasn't awake when you came home last night.

We didn't even get a chance to say hello.

Oh.

Hello.

Hello.

Isn't it wonderful about my new job?

Do you want paper?

No, thank you. Well, excuse me. I'll get it.

Driving on track eight, train number 399.

David, Milford, Stratford, Grisport, Fairfield, Southport, Westport, Marwalk,

Darien, and Stamford.

Lucy. Well, I know this is none of my business, but... Well, I've noticed in

last week or so that you haven't looked too happy. I was wondering if anything

was wrong.

Oh, no, not really.

Well, Mr.

Robinson's delighted with the show. Oh, I am, too. It's just that I don't have

much time to spend with my family.

Don't you worry about it. I'll work it out. Well, I'd like to discuss it with

you, but my train pulls out for Scarsdale in two minutes. What time is

train? I have five minutes. I'm meeting Ricky here. See, I meet him here when

he's on his way to work, and I'm on my way home. Well, see you tomorrow.

Bright and early. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hi, Ralph. How are you? I got a rushed train.

Okay, see you later.

Hi, honey. Hi, honey.

Very nice to get a chance to talk to you.

Nice chance to talk to you, too.

How are you?

How are you?

Fine.

You look good.

Thank you.

Gee, I'd forgotten how brown your eyes are.

How's your show?

Fine. How's yours? Good.

Going along all right, huh? Yeah.

I got to go, honey. Yeah, me too.

Well, I'll see you.

Okay.

Bye. Bye, dear.

Nice talking to you. Yeah.

to this.

To what?

You've stolen my child.

What?

He called you mommy.

Well, that's a perfectly natural mistake. He spends more time with me

does with you.

When I hired you as his sitter, I never dreamed you tried to take my place as

his mother.

Oh, now, Lucy, since you're not around to be his mother, then I'm going to be a

mother. Did you say you're going to be a mother?

you were sick of being a housewife and wanted to go out and get a job,

Yeah.

You're right, Ethel. I'm sorry I snapped at you. Oh, forget it.

It's just that things aren't working out the way I planned.

I miss my family. I know it, honey.

It's terrible when a husband and wife only get to be together five minutes a

day.

Fred Mertz, if you open your mouth, I'll...

How are you? Fine. How are you?

Fine, honey.

Anything new?

No. What's new with you?

Nothing.

Gee, we never get a chance to talk anymore.

I know.

I didn't even have time to tell you how proud I am of you.

Oh, you are?

Of course, honey. The show is doing wonderful.

I guess you were just wasting your time sitting around being a housewife.

Evidently, you have a lot of talent.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, honey, but I am awful late. I gotta go. I know, I know.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay. Same time, same station.

What's the matter?

I don't like having a job.

I'm lonesome for you and little Ricky.

I want to be a housewife again.

Well, honey, we want you back, too.

Do you?

Of course we do. I just said I was happy about your career because, you know,

that's what I thought you wanted. I don't want that at all.

Well, then, honey, it's a very simple solution. I mean, all you have to do is

just quit.

Oh, sure, quit. I got three years.

Non -casual of all.

And as they keep renewing the contract, it may be years before I get time to

spend with my family again.

You'll be an old man with white hair.

Or even bald.

Our son will be all grown up and we'll be all shrunken and shriveled.

You'll be little Ricky and he'll be big Ricky.

Quit, but she has a contract.

Well, don't cry about it. I think that can be worked out.

Really? Yeah, I wouldn't want you to work if you're this unhappy, and I feel

certain that the sponsor would feel exactly the same about it. Well, would

be willing to talk to Mr. Robinson about it? I'll talk to him tonight. He's

coming to my house for dinner.

Oh, are you sure you can get me out of my contract?

Believe me, Lucy, I hate to lose you, but if this is what you want, consider

done. Oh, thank you. Thank you. I have to rush and get my train now. Excuse me,

right?

Douglas, you're okay.

Thank you. Mr. Douglas, I've been watching your television show, and I

know how to fix it.

You know?

Honey, you know what I'm going to do? What?

I'm going to take the night off. We're going to celebrate.

You're a housewife again. Oh, and isn't it wonderful? Now I can cook the meals

and do the dishes and make the beds and dust the house. And cook the meals.

There we go.

Thanks, Mommy, for the nice evening.

Thanks, Mommy, for the nice evening.

Well, you're welcome, sweetheart.

Did you enjoy the movie?

I sure did, Mommy.

That's good. You go on upstairs now and get ready for bed.

I'll be right up to tuck you in, son.

Uh -uh -uh. His mother will be up to tuck him in.

Your mommy will tuck you in.

Okay. Okay.

Sure nice to have the family together again. Oh, it sure is.

and it's going to be great being able to sleep late in the morning.

What are you doing?

Making sure no one disturbs me.

Listen, you're so used to getting up at four o 'clock in the morning, you'll

probably wake up early anyway.

Oh, no. Before I go to bed, I'm going to take a couple of pills so I can sleep

till noon.

get loose. He were in trouble.

What's his sleep? What's the matter?

Robinson. I talked to him until I was blue in the face. He won't let her out

her contract.

Oh, no. Oh, yes. And on top of that, if she's not in the studio in the morning,

he's going to sue the both of you for every penny you got. And on top of that,

if she's not there, I get fired.

Well, you were so positive. I was positive. Go wake her up, will you? He's

this whole new ad campaign on the serial. He's got a fortune in it.

that she'd be there in the morning and appear in every one of the commercials.

All right, all right.

I'll go wake her up now. Just relax.

All right, but if we rush, we can just make the train back to New York here.

right.

Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. Aye, aye, what?

I forgot. She took a couple of sleeping pills.

Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. Why are you out for me? Look, now wait just a minute.

Relax. Get her away. All right, if we miss the train, I'll drive you to the

station. Get going or you can drive into the unemployment office.

into television. No wonder Ed Murrow's taking a year off.

Honey?

Honey?

Honey? Darling?

Wake up, dear.

Wake up. Lucy? Gotta wake her up.

Honey?

Dear, you gotta wake up, honey. You gotta work in the morning, honey.

you gotta talk to... Gotta make the train.

Darling?

Darling, the man didn't... We won't even make the show at this ramp.

I'll tell you what.

You put her coat on, Paul. Yeah. You know, just you put her coat on. I'll

some clothes on me. I will take her clothes and we'll dress down on the

And drive in, right? Yeah. Oh.

Just put her coat on.

We have to carry her.

Yeah, I guess so.

All right.

Oh, boy.

Would you get him back with her, boy?

I'll get him back. Get him back.

Get the clothes, will you? All right.

Are you done? Hurry up, will you? I got it.

Two minutes, Mr. Douglas.

Okay, thanks.

It's all right, I think.

Hi. Paul.

Yeah. Listen, does Lucy know this new commercial? Oh, sure. We've been

rehearsing it all week. Oh, good. Oh, where is she?

She's in her dressing room. Is she okay?

I think so. She's getting dressed all by herself.

Oh, I'm glad to hear that.

Did you get her? Mr. Robinson, don't worry about a thing. We got her all

Good. I'll be in the sponsor's booth. Yes, sir. Pleases, everybody.

I'll go get her. No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I start the commercial, and

she comes in when I say, Okay, Lucy. That's her cue.

Okay, Lucy. Right.

Don't worry about anything. I won't. Five seconds.

All right. Thank you.

© BF -WATCH TV 2021

To my girl, Friday, goes the honor of being the first to tell you the name of

this delicious new breakfast product.

Tell the folks, Lucy.

Thank you very much. That's right, folks. Wakey -flakeys. Remember the

Wakey -flakeys are guaranteed to keep you awake and give you health and energy

for 24 hours.

Absolutely.

I hope you know how those things are. I guess you just didn't nibble enough,

huh?

wide -awake goodness in this munchy bowl of wakey -flakey. Now, first, of

course, cream and sugar. Would you care for some cream?

Cream.

I'll pass on that.

Some people like lots and lots of cream.