Original subtitles

The Lucy Desing Comedy Hour.

With special guest star Tallulah Bankhead.

With Vivian Vance, William Froley, and Little Ricky.

Come on, honey.

Look, we're doing this number for you on the parent -teachers association show.

The least you can do is come down and watch us. Well, honey, run over it

Get it in a little better shape. I'll be right down.

All right.

Lucy, are you spying out of the window the new neighbor's moving in?

Certainly not.

Well, all right.

Is Mama going to be in the show, Daddy?

Oh, yeah, yeah. She's going to do a few things.

She's the chairman.

She's the emcee.

She's going to tell jokes.

She's written a sketch for the sixth graders.

And she's going to do a number with Ann Ethel. How come she isn't going to sing

with us?

We're just lucky, I guess.

Lucy, are you sure you're not spying out of the window of the new neighbors?

No, I'm not.

Well, come on down.

Oh, all right, for heaven's sake.

thought you said you weren't spying. I wasn't.

What are you doing? Getting ready to go to the races?

Oh, these?

Yeah. Well, I was bird watching.

Bird watching?

Yeah. Do you know that there's a yellow -bellied woodpecker on our lawn?

No, but I know there's a red -headed cuckoo in the living room.

You were too spying on the new neighbors. No, I wasn't. They're not

yet, so there.

Moving van is here. I glanced casually at that.

Lucy! What?

Lucy! There's a car turning in the driveway next door. I was about to get

my place.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You better go play some. We'll rehearse later.

Okay, Daddy. There's a woman driving.

She's getting out of the car.

Oh! Lucy, she's got on a full -length mink coat. Oh, isn't that a... Uh -oh.

Something happened to our picture tube.

you two are too nosy.

We are not nosy.

We are just displaying a little healthy curiosity, that's all. Well, don't

forget, curiosity kills the cat.

Yeah, but what a way to go.

Oh,

would you get the door, dear?

Yes.

Oh, she's disappeared.

Oh, but they're moving in the furniture.

Say, she must be either very rich or very poor.

How can you tell from the furniture? It's either cheap beat -up junk or

priceless antiques.

Oh, how do you do that?

bother you like this, but could I use your telephone? I'm your new neighbor,

Tallulah Bankhead. Of course, Miss Bankhead. I wouldn't know you anyway.

Oh, thank you. I'm Rick Ricardo.

Will you please come in? How do you do, Mr. Ricardo? Thank you very much. You

have such a charming place here. Thank you. Right this way, Miss Bankhead. Oh,

thank you.

Lucy. Just a minute, dear. Oh, now I know how our new neighbor got her mink

coat. She bought it with the money she saved on that cheap furniture.

Lucy. Oh, look at that crummy looking couch.

that anyone collects so many monstrosities.

I bet she's a lady junk dealer.

Lucy, I want you to meet our new neighbor.

Bankett, this is my wife, Lucy.

How do you do?

Hello.

Miss Bankett wants to telephone.

Telephone? Oh, feel free to call me any time.

Honey, she wants to use our telephone.

Oh, oh, oh.

You see, mine hasn't been installed yet, and I would like to telephone an

employment agency to see if I couldn't get a couple. You don't happen to know

a couple, do you?

A couple of what?

A couple, dear, like a maid and a butler. Oh!

Oh, I knew what she meant.

Where did you get your couple, Mrs. Ricardo?

Where?

From the employment agency.

All right.

You see, I'm starting rehearsals for this new play in New York. On the stage?

Where? How did you guess?

I want a couple, you see. Look after my home. I'm living just like Dorothy. Oh,

yes. Yes, I know. We couldn't get along without our couple. I know just what you

mean. Honey, Miss Spankett has a lot of things to do. All she has is just to use

the phone. Oh. Oh, of course. Thank you. Of course, Miss Spankett. Any time at

all.

I think of how I acted in front of Tallulah Bankhead this morning, I could

die. What she must think of me.

Well, I warned you about snooping.

And you were so right.

I swear on a stack of old binoculars, I will never snoop again.

Good. Gee.

You know, if I hadn't pulled such a boner, maybe I could have gotten Miss

Bankhead to help us with the PTA musical.

How do you mean?

Well, you know, she's had so much experience, she could have given us all

of pointers.

Why do I...

like such a goof always?

Oh, I don't know. I guess it's part of your charm.

Somebody ought to give me a good swift kick in the pants.

I'll volunteer.

That is merely a figure of speech.

Hey!

Hey! You know what I'm going to do?

What? I'm going to invite Miss Bankhead over here for dinner tonight.

Oh, you must be out of your mind. No!

and I'll correct the bad impression I made. And then when I have her

charmed, I'll ask her to help me with the PTA show.

What are you laughing at?

Struck me funny.

Canola Bank had a PTA meeting.

I'll never forget you, darling.

Oh, thank you.

We got our phone fixed.

Oh, really?

I thought you were talking on two cans and a string.

Oh, no.

No, you see, when the telephone company came out to fix yours, they fixed ours

and the repairman gave me your number. That big blabbermouth.

How's that? Oh, nothing, darling, nothing.

Most likely you can't make it, and I'm sure you have another engagement. In

fact, you probably wouldn't even want to come over after what happened this

morning, and I certainly don't blame you. But it was just a thought. Maybe we

can do it another time.

Are you sure you're not talking on two cans and a string?

Well, I was inviting you over for dinner tonight. I know you're not unpacked or

settled yet, and you might like to eat with us, but of course, if you have

plans... Not at all, darling. I'd love to.

Well...

to stand a big star like you having so many invitations, so we'll just make it

enough. You would?

It's either that or cooking my own dinner.

The last time I did that, I set fire to myself.

I'm so glad you didn't come over. Well, it's very sweet of you to ask me. I

appreciate you minister.

You are so lucky, you know, to have a couple. I haven't been able to find any

help yet. Otherwise, I wouldn't think of imposing upon you.

Oh, you're not imposing a bit. We'll expect you at eight. Well, thank you,

darling. Thank you so much. Not at all. Goodbye.

that she wouldn't think of imposing, but we have our couple and her couple

hasn't come yet.

husband, you'll forget all this nonsense.

It doesn't matter to Miss Bankhead whether we have help or not.

Well, it matters to me. She already thinks I'm a snoop and a bungler. You

want her to think...

what we said about her furniture this morning?

Well, she was a little upset, but I smoothed everything over. As a matter of

fact, she's coming over here for dinner tonight.

No kidding.

Yeah. Come on, sit down. Let's chat a while. Oh, isn't that great? Isn't that

nice? Come on, pretty boy.

Thank you.

Say, just make yourself comfortable there.

We're going to have dinner with Tallulah Bankhead. Hey, how about that?

You think I ought to wear my good black dress?

Yes, with a little white apron and a cap.

Why should I wear a thing like that?

So that it'll go with Fred's butler uniform.

What are you talking about?

Well, I might as well confess I'm in a jam.

Oh? Yeah. I, uh... I, uh... I need you two to serve dinner tonight.

What?

favor to me? Absolutely not.

Would you do it if I paid you?

Lucy, I'd like to ask you just one question. Who do you think you're

Well, I'd like to ask you just one question. How much?

Ten dollars.

Oh, boy. Ten dollars? Now, Fred, you can do what you like, but count me out.

You're gonna bottle? You can bottle all by yourself. Oh, now, Ethel, please,

please, pretty please.

Nothing doing.

Pretty please?

that for you if you took that pretty please, put sugar on it, poured brandy

it, and lit it.

Well,

Ethel, you leave me but one choice.

You know that song you and I were going to do for the PTA musical?

We were going to do.

Betty Ramsey's been pestering me to be in the show, and she does have a lovely

voice. She sings.

Oh, I wouldn't call it that. Well, I would.

Call it what you want, Ethel. What do you say?

What time do you want dinner served, Mom?

Aw, gee, thanks, honey. I'll never forget this. Neither will I. Now, it's

going to be so bad. Just think how close you're going to be to a famous actress.

Oh, keen. Maybe she'll autograph a dirty plate for me.

I ought to. I've been serving dinner to Fred for 28 years.

Yes, I know, dear, but slapping down a plate and yelling, Fred, soup's on!

It's not exactly what I had in mind. If you're going to get nasty about it...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I just want everything to run

smoothly, that's all, dear.

Now, look, you just serve to the left, you take away from the right. You can

remember that, can't you?

Oh, it's pretty complicated, but I'll try. Good, good. Now, let's see.

I'm going to have to have a buzzer to call you... two from the kitchen. Fred,

come here. I've got an idea.

Come here.

Could you fix a buzzer for me under the rug? You know, the kind that you press

with your foot?

Well, sure. Good. Good boy. Thank you very much. Now, let's see. The main

The main view.

This baghead is from the South.

I think I'll have a real Southern menu.

Southern fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, hot biscuits and syrup,

black -eyed peas, and a strawberry pie.

What do you think of that, Ethel?

Oh, does it matter what the hired help thinks?

Oh, yes, dear.

You see, I have to go to the beauty parlor and you're going to have to cook

What?

Westport is really a wonderful place for adults as well as children. Oh, yes, I

love it here. And speaking of children, where is that adorable little boy of

yours? I saw him playing outside.

Did you? Well, he's already in bed.

Yeah, he was very tired.

He's been rehearsing all day for a show that Lucy's putting on for the PTA.

The PTA what?

The PTA.

Parent Teachers Association.

Oh, yes.

And speaking of the show, Miss Bankhead. Oh, call me Tallulah, darling.

Oh, thank you.

Well, Tallulah.

That's better.

Speaking of the show, and since you're such a great actress... That's better

still.

Well, I really mean it, too. Oh, I just think you're wonderful.

Speaking of the show, I thought perhaps you'd like to go to the PTA meeting with

me tomorrow and help out.

Lucy thought maybe you could coach the performers.

I would like to do that. Well, I want to tell you, they just appreciate it so

much. After all, you've had years and years of experience.

Well, not that many years, darling.

However, you know, I think it would be fun. I haven't been in a school since

1900.

Well, for years.

I sure would be impressed, I can tell you that.

I bought him a new uniform this afternoon.

Shall we? Oh, yes, of course.

Dear? Oh, yes, right this way, Miss Banker, yes. Now, you call me Tallulah,

big kid. Oh, all right. Thank you, Tallulah. Thank you, darling.

Yes, I'll sell you.

Thank you, dear. You're welcome.

That was at the back door?

No, dear, that was the buzzer.

What buzzer?

The buzzer under the table that we always used to call the butler and the

Oh, oh, that buzzer.

What maid?

Ethel May.

Oh, oh, that maid.

I'm terribly remembering names. So am I. That's why I call everybody darling.

Do you still live in Bedford Village? No. Yes, Bedford Village. That's right,

darling. Tom Rizzo called it. I was thinking...

Chicken is my favorite thing of all.

I bet you got hot biscuits, too. Oh, I bet. We have a saying in the South, take

two and butter them while they're hot. Oh, that's good, yes.

I love Southern Dennis, don't I?

these days.

Miss Beckett, I mean Tallulah, I thought that maybe when you get settled here in

Westport, we could show you around the town, you know? Oh, yes, yes. I'd love

take you into the village and show you some of our little shops. Well, that's

awfully nice of you because, you know, I want to find a place called, I think

it's called a hardware store, hardware.

Oh, we have a beautiful hardware store here.

Oh, good, because I want to get a paint sprayer, you know.

I bought these little kitchen chairs, and I thought it'd be rather fun if I

them myself.

Well, look, we have a paint sprayer. Why don't you borrow ours? Oh, surely. No,

I'll get one myself. Oh, don't be silly. Use ours.

Now, now, now. Let's not start off our friendship by borrowing things. It only

leads to trouble.

Oh, trouble. What could happen? Surely. What are good neighbors for, anyway?

Well, that's very sweet of you. Mashed potatoes, Miss Bankhead? No, thank you

very much. Whenever I rehearsed a play, I was on a very strict diet. No, thank

you. But life is short.

live a little.

Oh, you sounded just like you did in The Little Foxes. Oh, did you see me in The

Little Foxes? Five times.

Five times? Oh, I've seen every play you've ever been in. I saw Dear Charles

The Green Hat and They Knew What They Wanted and The Skin of Our Teeth and

and Camille. All your big hits.

You left out Private Lives.

That was my favorite one. Oh. And when I saw you in that movie, Lifeboat, I

wanted to... Hey, will you please stop boring Miss Bankhead?

When Miss Bankhead is bored, Miss Bankhead will let you know.

were in that boat floating around in that choppy water i was heart sick oh i

started to cry and cry through all the rest of the picture makes me cry now

thinking about it there's nothing i like like a good cry at the movies i cried

harder at that movie than any

salty. Oh, it was a sad picture.

Honest to goodness. Ethel May, would you please pass the mashed potatoes? We'd

like to get on with our dinner.

Thank you, Ethel May.

See, they've been in the family a long time. They were family retainers, you

know, and they worked for my mother when I was a little girl. As a matter of

fact, Ethel May was my nanny.

She was a goat?

Nanny means nurse, dear.

Ricky's from Cuba.

Yes, I had a feeling he wasn't from Alabama.

I feel sorry for them. They're so old, you know.

Well.

Where have you been? I can't find the sugar.

I was listening at the door.

Do you know what Lucy had the nerve to tell Tallulah about me? She said when

was a little girl, I was her nanny.

So that's what she did before I met you.

you hear what she said about you.

For ten bucks, you can say anything she wants about me.

You rang, Mom?

Ethel May, you seem to have forgotten the gravy.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mom, but you know how forgetful us old nannies are.

That will be all, Ethel May.

You bet your sweet life.

through the door like a bull out of a chute?

Did you have to come out the door just as I was going in? There's a free door

it. Will you please confine your bickering to the kitchen?

At these prices, we should have unlimited bickering.

Will you like some coffee, perhaps?

I'd love some coffee. Yes, let's have coffee.

I don't know about you, Fred. I don't know about you, Fred, but I'm quitting.

Me too.

Now listen, even us tightwads have our breaking point.

Now they're not even answering the buzzer.

Maybe I'd better go out and see what's wrong. Will you excuse me? Yes, dear.

Excuse me.

No, she's at the PTA meeting. She'll be home in a minute. Thank you very much.

Are you still mad?

As a hornet.

I just came over to return this costume to Mrs. Ricardo and tell her that I

don't care to be in her PTA show.

Well, now, look, Ethel, I don't blame you for being mad, but Lucy got the

of it, really. When you left, she got up to go to the kitchen and she thought

she had the napkin in her hand and she took the whole tablecloth with her. All

the food fell on the floor. It was such a mess, she started to cry.

Then we told Miss Bankhead the truth. We told her that you were not the maid and

butler, but that you were best friends.

Mr. Ricardo.

Yes?

I'm Winslow, Miss Bankhead's new butler.

Oh, yes, Winslow. Come in.

Miss Bankhead tells me you have a paint sprayer we might borrow.

That's right. It's in the garage. We can go right here to the kitchen.

I'm going to the village this afternoon. I thought perhaps you might tell me how

much paint the sprayer holds.

Oh, surely.

We'll be right back. Excuse me.

How do you like that? They really walk that way.

I thought I was kidding.

So did I.

Oh, there you are, Mrs. McHale. I just came over to return this costume to tell

you that I don't care to be in the weeks of planning and rehearsing down the

drain. Frankly, after what happened last night, I wouldn't care to be in any

musical. Just like that they call off the musical.

sure you can understand my feelings when you stop.

What did you say?

I said they called off the musical.

What did you say?

They called off the musical? That's right.

What do you mean, dear?

Well, I took Miss Bankhead to the PTA meeting with me and of course everyone

very impressed. They started talking about the show and they started asking

a lot of questions and hanging on her every word like she was Oscar

or somebody.

and before I knew what happened, they had changed the whole thing to a

play with Miss Bankhead in the lead.

Oh, that's too bad. Oh, you're hard work.

Oh, these big celebrities are all alike.

And then if they get somewhere, they start throwing their weight around.

Now, Lucy, it wasn't Tallulah's idea, was it? Well, maybe it wasn't her idea,

but she certainly didn't do any objecting. You should have seen her

charming and darling everybody all over the place.

She's a great Budinsky, if you ask me. We were doing just great till she came

along.

Hello?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, Miss Bankhead.

called off the musical, so she insists that I be in the play with her.

and live in peace.

The duke speaks to the queen's lady in waiting. Go ahead, Mr. Ricardo.

Go ahead.

Greetings, fair lady.

I wouldst have an audience with the queen.

The queen.

That's what I said, the queen.

Her majesty is expecting you, my lord. I shall tell her you await without.

Do I curtsy? You curtsy.

Now, next to the throne.

I thought of that.

Roger the costumes. Will you take that up with her, please?

You're a darn toothless.

What sayest thou, your majesty, honorable Quinn?

How's that again?

Your highness, I have come to ask for your hand. What sayest thou, your

honorable Quinn?

Oh, that's right. You're Cuban, aren't you?

Shall we go on? Oh, yes, good. My heart speaketh yea in clarion tones. It beats

like an anvil inside my breast.

My heart cries...

How divine.

Oh, yes, but what of my people? What say they?

Pray, tell me, lady -in -waiting.

What your noble heart desires, your majesty, thy humble people desire.

Mound me no platitudes, for the duke rules Farthington, our bitterest enemy

to the ages. So speak ye from your head and not from your heart.

Oh, it is the truth I speak, my queen.

If this be a trick to conquer our kingdom, what say you then?

The Duke has conquered your heart. Our kingdom will be united with love.

Say no more.

The look of happiness on your fair face speaks louder than a million words.

You did that divinely, darling.

Thank you, Miss Bankhead. Well, now, we'll press on. Let's see.

Let there be rejoicing throughout the land.

Let this banquet be our celebration feast.

Call the royal cook.

Oh, yes.

The Duke of Farthington, your future king, is to be our

honored guest tonight, Genevieve.

Yes, your majesty. What is the royal menu for this historic banquet?

A new dish, your majesty.

Roast duckling supreme.

And I'll taste it here, you see, darling. The sauce is delicious. What is

Mandarin orange.

to think that to this queen's lonely heart at last comes love.

Who are

these children? Leftovers from the king and I?

They're going to sing between the scenes while we change the set. I see. Oh, but

boys, you were too soon.

Now, listen carefully.

The night of the show, I'll be backstage.

And when I come on to introduce you, that's your cue.

You follow me. Remember now, off you go. When I come on, you follow me. You were

trying, but you were trying too hard.

Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Then I say this long speech of the Duke and so and

so and so and so and so and so and so and so and so and so and so.

And we'll be banished. Your Majesty. Oh, no.

But I bear real tidings.

The armies of Farthington are storming the gates of our city.

The Duke, please.

The Duke, this way.

Please, Sam.

Oh.

And then I have another long speech, darling, before I exit and the curtain

comes down. And I say so and so and so and so and so and so.

And so and so.

Wonderful. I don't know. I can't hear very well through this Buster Brown bob.

It sounded to me like all she was saying was so -and -so -and -so -and -so -and

-so. Her

Majesty

is expecting you, my lord.

I shall tell her...

Tallulah's garage. I was showing the butler how to hook up the sprayer. He's

just starting to paint the chairs.

Oh, well, now that you're here, will you help me memorize my lines?

All right. You be Tallulah, huh?

All right, all right.

Oh, she's wonderful, isn't she?

Come in.

Good afternoon.

Winslow, what happened?

It appears your paint sprayer is leaking.

That's not all.

What do you mean?

Miss Bankhead's car was in the garage, and before I could turn off the

sprayer... Oh, no.

Miss Bankhead now has a polka dot station wagon.

Oh, dear.

That's terrible. That sprayer never leaked before. What can we do about it?

Let's see what happened with it. Come on, Winston. We're going to help you.

that's terrible, Winston.

I started to paint the chair, but instead of... coming out the front, the

came out the back.

Then I lost my head and this happened.

Well, don't worry, Winslow. We'll tell Miss Bacon it wasn't your fault.

Lucy. What?

Did you clean the sprayer after you painted the long furniture? Yes, I

it. Well, I can't understand it. It's never leaked before. Oh, you're blaming

for something. No, but it never happened before.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I guess it's the nuzzle here.

toy chest last week.

Well, look, give it to me. I'll fix it. What makes you think you can fix it?

Well, I'm the only one in here that hasn't got paint all over them.

Now, these things are probably all stopped up.

Sure, look at that now.

There, now that ought to work. Let's give it a try here.

Be careful what you point at, Sandy. Oh, all right, if you're so worried.

this one, Elsie. It's still wet.

Well, if you're going to leave it there, you better make a sign that says wet

paint.

I'll do that.

Oh, wait a minute. Will you help me carry this out to the washing machine?

Oh, thank you.

Please forgive me. Come on in, sweetie.

It was just an accident.

I know it was an accident. It was an old shoe.

Anyway, it didn't matter. Thank you, dear.

As a peace offering, I brought you some of my homemade jam.

I've already been in one of your homemade jams.

You'll be glad to know that it's blackberry and not strawberry.

You don't have to worry about getting hives.

My hives...

Thank you.

Okay. Sit down, darling. Have a cup of coffee with me. Oh, I really can't. I

want to get into New York and get back before the play tonight.

Nonsense. Nonsense. Now, you have time for a cup of coffee. Sit down and have a

cup of coffee. Now, go on. I really shouldn't.

Well, maybe just for a minute, huh?

Coffee, coffee. Where's the coffee? I just now found it by the kitchen wall.

really?

Now, let me see. Oh, yeah.

you nothing of the kind. Not much you didn't. Oh, what a sneaky way to get

I wouldn't even lower myself to try to get even with a wacky character like

Wacky? Well, let me tell you something, Tallulah Bankhead. Ethel Mertz may think

you're the greatest actress in the world, but not...

Finally leave the premises before I grab your pink hair and put it out by its

black roots.

Let me get this straight. Are you asking me to leave?

Throwing you out would be more accurate.

She was backstage just a few minutes ago, and I dropped by her dressing room

wish her good luck, and she isn't there.

I've looked everywhere, and I can't find her. That is funny, isn't it?

Lucy, I don't like that look on your face.

Have you done something with Miss Bankhead?

Now, Ethel, I ask you, why would I want to do anything with Miss Bankhead? Give

me one good reason.

Well, one, she got paint all over your good dress. Two, you had a big fight.

three... All right, Ethel, I just asked for one.

minutes till curtain, Mrs. Ricardo.

Thank you.

Five minutes, Miss Bankhead.

Thank you, darling.

Lucy.

Now, Ethel, don't worry. Run along and get ready. The show must go on.

in a play written by a local author my husband

and has been imprisoned in the royal dungeon.

Huh?

The queen's been locked up?

Yes, sire.

But I came to ask for her hand.

I thought you were imprisoned.

How did you get out?

The royal janitor unlocked the royal door to the royal power room.

Your Highness,

I have come to ask for your hand.

What sayest thou, Your Majesty, Honorable Quinn?

First, I must think of my people.

What my noble heart desire, my humble people desire, but my heart be no

platitudes.

I bid ye speak from your head and not from your heart. But before you speak,

what if this be a trick to conquer our kingdom? What say ye then?

This banquet will be our celebration feast. Call the royal cook.

Oh, yes, the royal cook.

The Duke of Farthington, your future king, is to be our honored guest

Genevieve. Yes, Your Majesty.

What is the royal menu for this historic banquet?

It's a new dish, Your Majesty. Roast duckling supreme.

The sauce is delicious. What is it?

Mandarin orange.

It tastes like strawberries.

Strawberries?

Strawberries? Surprise!

Oh, to think that to this queen's lonely heart at last comes love.

Gone are the long nights of solitude.

this field. At last, I know.

I never dreamed it.

I've always prided myself on being a firm, but a just queen.

Ruling with a strong, but firm and kind hand.

And now that we've ruled this one, I trust that I can count upon your help.

do anything to me? You'll probably be the first mother to be expelled from the

PTA.

show they'd ever seen. In fact, they want you to do it again tomorrow night.

We'll make a fortune for the PTA.

Will you do it?

Well, I know you're too excited to answer me now. We'll discuss it later.

that Tarula Bankhead is going to go on the stage with you again after all the

things you did to her?

Oh, yeah.

Lute.

Yes?

I want to talk to you.

Yes, Miss Bankhead. I hear they want us to do this clambake again tomorrow

night.

Darling, you have no idea what I would do to get a lot.

Now, I thought for tomorrow night's show, I thought of lots of divine bits

business. Princess Ethel, I think... You mean more things?

Of course. I think you, darling, ought to bring on the strawberry sauce from

very beginning of the play that I could scratch off...