Original subtitles

Fred, this is Lucy on the intercom.

Oh, oh.

Is Ethel there?

No. Well, where is she? How should I know?

Well, she's your wife.

Well, did you wake me up just to rub it in?

Listen, Ethel was supposed to be here an hour ago. I don't know how I'm going to

do all the things I have to do for the Yankee Doodle Day celebration if Ethel

isn't going to cooperate with me.

Honestly.

Listen, Fred, did you try on your costume yet?

Fred? Did you try on your costume yet?

Really?

The main member merch report.

Ethel, where have you been? I got a million things to check with you.

Let me see that poster.

Yankee Doodle Day celebration.

I thought I was supposed to say Lucy Ricardo, chairman of the Yankee Doodle

celebration.

Well,

thanks for the billing.

Did you pick these poachers up all over town?

Yeah. Did you nail them to the telephone poles like I asked you to?

All right, now let's see. Did you call all the members of my committee and ask

them to be here for luncheon tomorrow?

Yep, I did. All of them? Yep, all of them.

Did you check the man who's writing a special song about the Battle of Campo?

Yep, I did that.

Did you talk to Mr. Sylvester, the sculptor, make sure the statue be ready

after tomorrow? Yeah, uh -huh. Day after tomorrow? Yep, yep, yep. Did you rent

the trailer to carry it in? Yep, yep. Good.

Oh, boy, I'm never going to be chairman of another committee. It's too much

work.

For who?

For me.

For you?

Who do you think's been doing all the work?

How about... Listen,

Ethel, I just mean that I have all the responsibility.

I'm the one that has to sit home and worry about whether you're getting all

work done or not.

Well, now, I'll just make you a deal. Next year, I'll sit home and worry, and

you go out and nail your thumb to a telephone pole. Oh, Ethel.

Listen, we are commemorating a battle of the Revolutionary War. Now, let's now

start one of our own. All right, okay.

You and Fred try on your costumes. Yep.

How was it? Oh, mine's just fine. Fred's grumbling about his, as usual.

He's going to wear it, isn't he? Yeah, I think he is. When I left this morning,

he was standing in front of a mirror trying on his powdered wig.

It was a proud sight.

It's the first time in 20 years Fred's been able to brush his hair.

Well, I got Ricky to read the speech at the unveiling.

You did?

Yeah. Did you have much of a struggle?

No, he agreed to it right away.

You mean you didn't have to trick him or anything?

He's getting agreeable these days. I know. Things are working out

Ricky's getting mellow just as I'm running out of tricks.

Okay. What?

Look at this. What is it?

Fred. He chewed out my slippers.

Fred wouldn't do a thing like that.

Oh, he means the dog, Fred.

Oh.

to Ricky get the dog in the first place. Where is that four -legged beast?

Oh, I don't know. He's up with little Ricky, I guess. Well, where is Ricky?

not in his room. Well, he must be up there someplace.

Ricky! Yes, Mommy?

Is Fred up there with you?

No, Mommy.

What is that you have on your face?

I'm a clown.

Ay -yi -yi -yi -yi. He's a clown. March yourself right down here, young man.

He must have gotten into my makeup kit. Yeah.

You shouldn't put stuff like that all over your face, honey.

Daddy was a clown this morning. Yeah, I know I was a clown this morning, but

that's because I'm doing a circus number at the club. I wanted to show Mommy how

I was going to look.

Well, from now on, you better not bring home your M -A -K -E -U -P.

I know what that is.

You do?

Uh -huh. It's filling.

It's filling, yeah. Well, now you go out upstairs, take all that stuff off your

face, and don't you ever get in Daddy's makeup kit again.

Go on, now. Where's Fred?

In the den, sleeping in my chair.

You know, that dog uses my favorite chair more than I do. Well, he likes to

comfortable like anyone else.

Well, then why doesn't he go out and buy his own Izzy share?

He's not going to hurt your old Izzy share.

Besides, there's a brand new dog house in the backyard and you were supposed to

keep him there. He doesn't like it out there.

Why not?

I don't know. Why don't you ask him?

favorite chair all the time. He doesn't like the dog house that I bought him. He

shoes up all my slippers.

Ever since we got that animal, he's living my life and I'm living the dog's

life.

I'm sorry you have to hear all this arguing, Ethel. Oh, that's all right.

me feel right at home.

I thought you were taking him to obedience school.

I have been.

Well, then how come that he hasn't learned how to obedience?

Why?

Maybe it's because I haven't been helping him with his homework. Well, you

better help him with his homework, or I'm going to take him right back to the

palmers where we got him. Oh, honey, now you don't mean that.

Anyway, he's graduating from obedience school tomorrow, and I'm sure he's going

to come through with flying colors. Good. Now listen, did you try your

on yet? Oh, that's another thing.

I'll make a speech, but I'm not going to wear that silly -looking junkie doodle

down the outfit that you got me.

You look so wonderful in a Revolutionary War uniform.

Oh, sure, yeah. Yeah, those knee britches will give you a chance to show

your good -looking leg.

I am not going to be seen in those silly early American snickers.

Snickers? It's knickers.

That's what I say, it's knickers.

Now, look, you're making a mistake. I'll leave it to you, Ethel. Doesn't he have

good -looking legs?

Now, come on.

Yeah, what's he wearing? Oh, he's got a wonderful one. He's going to be the town

crier. He's going to go through the town ringing a bell, announcing all the

ceremonies.

This I got to see.

Well, will you wear it or not?

All right, all right. I'll go learn my speech. Okay, he will.

Oh, honestly, well, we have to go through to get into a costume for a

this.

Get yourself another town crier.

What are you talking about?

I refuse to do this fool thing. Why, Fred?

Well, first of all, this ding -dang wig is too hot.

A lot of people stand it when they have hair.

Listen, Fred, maybe you can do it without the wig, huh?

That's not all. These things are killing my feet.

If their shoes pinched like these, no wonder the town criers cried.

We can get you some bigger shoes.

Oh, sure, Fred. You got to do something to celebrate Yankee Doodle Day.

Well, I can always stick a feather in my hat and call it macaroni. Oh, oh, now,

Fred.

Fred, come on now. Say you'll be the town crier. No, sir. I wouldn't go

through town in this outfit if the British were to come back again.

Oh, Fred, I'll get him to do it. Don't worry about it. I'll get him to do it.

Now, listen.

these things once he's graduated from obedience school. If you ask me, we

have sent him to reform school.

Fellow citizens of Westport, we're gathered here on Yankee Doodle Day to

commemorate, to unveil and dedicate a statue.

The statue will commemorate the great bravery and daring courage of

the patriots of this community.

in 1777, are hereby dedicated statues to the ancestor

of this brave man, many of whom are still living in this... Hi, dear. Oh,

Congratulations are in order. Fred graduated.

Well, congratulations, old man.

What's that? That's his diploma.

Well, we'll frame it up and put it in his doghouse. Yeah.

Did he really learn something?

Well, I told you he graduated.

Well, good for you, because I'm running out of slippers.

Hey, who set the table for my luncheon? Oh, Ethel did.

And there's a beautiful plate of cold cuts back in the kitchen. Oh, good.

They're delicious.

What are you doing?

These cold cuts are for my committee members.

Well, what is the principal speaker supposed to eat for lunch? I'll fix you

peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Thanks a lot.

Well, Fred, now let's see if you really graduated.

I want you to take this diploma, take it over to little Ricky upstairs and show

it to him.

Then after you do that, I want you to take the diploma over to the guest house

and show it to Aunt Ethel and Uncle Fred.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Ricky. He can't do all that.

Well, you just told me he graduated from obedience school.

Well, he learned obedience, but he's not ready for the Ed Sullivan show.

What can he do? He can do lots of things. He can sit up, he can speak, he

roll over.

I'll show you later. Well, show me now.

No, I haven't got time now, honey. I've got to get this luncheon going. Listen,

I paid 30 bucks for this character to go to that school. I want to see what he

learned.

I don't want to show you right now. I will show you later.

Apparently, the wrong one went to obedience school.

Oh, all right. Show what you learned to Senor.

He graduated top honors, too, boy.

All right, now. Sit up, honey.

Sit up, Fred.

Fred. Sit up.

Come on, Fred. Sit up.

Oh, come on, Fred.

You know how to sit up. Now, you're not paying attention.

Come on, now. Sit up. Here we go.

Up we go.

Up, up, up, up, Fred. Up.

Show Daddy how you can sit up. Come on, here.

Never mind the lovemaking. Just come on now. Sit up. I want you to sit up. Now,

pay attention.

Up, boy.

Up. Oh, come on now. You know how to do it. Look, like this. See? Like this.

I guess he just doesn't feel like sitting up right

now. No, I guess not, dear.

Well, actually, sitting up wasn't his best subject.

Oh?

Now, let's try speaking.

Here we go now.

All right, Fred. Pay attention now. All right, speak!

Speak, boy!

Speak!

Fred!

Speak, speak, speak!

Come on, say something. Talk like a storm, boy. Come on.

Speak, Fred.

Say something for me. Just a couple of words, huh?

Oh, now, Fred, stop. Come on, speak.

I guess he didn't have his class in speaking, either.

unless he wants something, you know, like his dinner.

Oh, oh, I see.

He's a before -dinner speaker.

Yeah, well, here's something he does very well. Now, watch.

Okay, Fred.

Now, roll over and play dead.

Now, roll over and play dead.

Come on, roll over and play dead, boy.

Come on, down you go. Play dead.

Fred.

Roll over and play dead. Hey, dead boy.

Fred, pay attention to me.

Go ahead.

Look, Fred. Go ahead.

Are

you

sure that he didn't get the diploma just to get rid of him?

Well, I don't understand that he did everything beautifully for the

at school.

Look, I'm going to give you one more chance here. Now you stand up there.

Now, Fred.

Then he can go out in the doghouse and then he'll take his vacation.

He doesn't like it out there.

Well, it's too bad.

But if he's not smart enough to learn how... Don't talk like that in front of

Fred.

Learn his feelings. Come on, Fred.

You're mean.

Since when is mean for a dog to stay in his doghouse? When the dog doesn't like

the doghouse, he's not happy out there.

Why should he be happy out there? It's a beautiful doghouse.

It's very roomy. It's brand new.

He doesn't have a mortgage.

He doesn't have a wife to nag him.

Oh, there's no talking to you. I have things to do. We'll discuss this later.

Lester, you did a wonderful job. I can hardly wait.

Oh, it's really, it's just beautiful.

Are you ready?

Oh,

it's pretty lifelike, isn't it? Oh, I should say it is. I thought I saw him

squeeze the trigger.

Isn't it great? It is just great.

When do you have to take it over to Jessup Green? Well, I'm going to get it

there just a few minutes before Ricky does the unveiling. That way nobody will

be able to peek at it before the ceremony.

Where is Ricky?

He's over at the newspaper office.

They're taking some pictures for the Yankee Doodle Day celebration.

Oh.

watching. What's up?

Grace Munson just called and said that she saw a dog that looked like Fred

running up the road past her house. Oh, that's almost a mile away from here.

No, maybe it wasn't our Fred. Well, we gotta track down every lead.

Now listen, I'm gonna drive over to the Munson's. You go out and get Bruce

Ramsey, honey. Look all around the neighborhood, here.

Okay, Mama. You stay here in case there are any more calls, will you? Oh, sure.

Lucy, you call us now if you find him.

I'll look around here. Maybe he's hiding inside.

I'll look in the kitchen.

once today.

Maybe it'd make things simpler if you changed your name.

To what?

jumped in the car, forgot all about the trailer, and backed right into that elm

tree. Couldn't you know it?

The poor guy got through the Revolutionary War without a scratch.

Five minutes with you and he's finished.

Oh, quiet, Fred.

Lucy, maybe we can glue it back together.

Glue what back together? This is all that's left of him.

Oh, my goodness. Well, you've got to do something. You've got to fix it. Oh, how

can I fix it, for heaven's sake?

over to the Munson's, find little Ricky and go find the dog, will you? Sure.

Oh.

See you later, shorty.

And so what am I going to do? They'll throw me out of the historical society.

Oh, you'll be lucky if they don't throw you out of town.

Hey,

I'll call Mr.

Silvestri and see if he's got another one.

Another one?

They don't make statues in pairs like bookends.

Oh, doesn't hurt to ask.

Well, could you make another one?

It may become twin cities like St. Paul and Minneapolis.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, Mr. Silvestri, Westport is growing, so it just might become twin

cities like St. Appalus and Mini -Paul.

Oh, Mini -Paul and Minneapolis and St. Paul.

Oh. Well, you just go ahead, Mr. Silvestri, and we'll think up a reason

mean, I'll tell you the reason later.

Yeah. Oh, uh, Mr.

Silvestri.

Incidentally, is the first statue insured?

Oh!

Oh, thank goodness.

Yeah, well, just start on the other one. Thanks very much.

Oh! Thank goodness that's over. Now all you have to do is postpone the

ceremonies for two weeks.

Postpone the... I can't postpone the ceremonies!

Everybody in town will be over there in an hour.

Well, but what are you going to do? I don't know. I forgot all about the

ceremonies. Oh, dear.

Maybe it's too wild.

If you've got an idea that you think is too wild...

He was sitting on the steps of the obedience school.

Now, why do you suppose he went there? Well, I guess he heard he had a bad

report and he was trying to sign up for summer school.

Your mommy's here, honey, and you'll see her pretty soon. And your daddy's

getting ready to make a speech. Did you know that? Yeah.

the grave bravery and daring courage of the patriots of this community during

the Battle of Campo in 1777.

So I hereby dedicate this statue to these brave men and women and to their

descendants, many of whom are still living in this community.

was brought to you by New Lilt, the only home permanent with squeeze bottle

magic. The fastest, easiest home permanent ever.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.