Original subtitles

What's the matter?

You are not cooperating.

When you dance the tango, you should have a sultry look.

Sultry look? What do you mean?

Like this.

Well, I don't think we should look that sultry.

Why not?

Look, hon, if we're doing this dance for Little Rick, it's PTA. We don't want to

have the school raid it.

Well, you don't have to overdo it. Just look interested.

You know, breathe heavily or something.

Breathe heavily? Well, you know.

Hiya. What are you doing?

We're dancing. What do you think?

Oh. Ricky and I are going to tango for the PTA a week from Saturday.

Oh.

Now, look, honey.

What? Do we have to dance?

Can't we just take tickets or sell popcorn or scrape the gum from

chairs after the show or something?

Now, honey, I promised them that we would perform.

I know, but I just don't want to lay an egg, that's all.

Hey, speaking of that, look.

Ethel, you mean our chickens are started late? Oh, not yet, but I thought we

ought to be ready to get right down to business the minute that first little

rolls off the assembly line. You're right.

Listen, it should be any day now.

Fred says that they should start laying when they're six weeks old.

Gee, just think, 500 chickens. And if they're all conscientious, we'll have

eggs a day to sell.

We'll be rich.

Smartest thing we ever did.

Let's see, 500 eggs a day at 60 cents a dozen.

Oh, now, don't bother. Fred's got it figured out to the last penny. Oh, I'll

he has.

Say, by the way, where is our vice president in charge of chickens?

He went over to Corwin's hatchery to pick up some egg crates and some more

More feed?

Yep. Fred says you've got to put something into chickens if you want to

something out of them.

Right.

Honey, let's try the finish again, huh? All right. Hey, look at this. See what

you think, will you? All right.

Bill Mabanky and Rudolph Valentino. Yeah, well... It's a little rough yet.

some practice. Yeah, a little bit. Bye. Oh, hi, Fred. You're back. Hello, Fred.

How are you?

Oh, did you get the egg crates and the feed?

Well, I got the feed, but no egg crates.

Why not?

Well, I don't know just how to tell you this, Rick.

Tell me what?

Well, you remember I told you the chickens started to lay when they were

weeks old? Yeah.

I made a slight miscalculation. Mr. Corwin tells me it's six months.

What?

Oh, brother.

No wonder those little chicks look so wild -eyed when I put them on the nest

said, come on, give.

I thought you were raised on a farm and you knew all about chickens.

So I made one little mistake.

One little mistake, he says.

Well, you know, that one little mistake of you puts me in a bad spot.

I was dependent on the money from the ex to help pay the expenses around here.

Yeah, I know, Rick, and I'm sure sorry. It doesn't make me want to jump for joy

either. Oh, brother.

Well, listen, partner, this puts a whole new light on our business arrangement.

What do you mean? Well, I mean that we were going to share the profit from

selling the eggs, right?

Right. In return, I was going to do all the work around here for nothing, right?

Right. Well, now, there won't be any profits, so until the chickens start

laying, I think you ought to pay me your salary, right?

Wrong.

How do you figure?

Well, now, look, Fred, I'm not making any money out of the eggs.

In the meantime, you're living in the guest house for nothing.

So until the chickens start laying, I figure you should pay me rent.

Rent? Yeah, you know, that little cent that I used to pay you the first of

month for 16 years?

Now, now, now, wait, you two, don't get into a snit.

Now, just maybe we don't have to wait so long to have some profits.

What are you talking about?

Well, why couldn't we trade in those baby chicks for some full -grown hens

would start laying eggs right away?

Yeah! That way you'd have your profits and you'd have your income.

Now we're getting someplace.

I've got to hand it to you, Lucy.

Yeah, honey, that's a good idea.

Yeah, I've done it again.

Again?

Oh, don't knock it. Just be glad I did it this once.

Oh, look, Fred.

Let's go over to the hatchery and see what kind of a deal we can make with

fellow. Right. Let's go out and say goodbye to our baby chicks, huh? Oh,

Say, Matthew, great idea.

Oh,

there's nothing like growing your own breakfast, huh, Ethel?

Boy, I'll say. These are so fresh.

Mommy, did that chicken slay these eggs?

Yes, dear.

Our nice new big chickens.

I don't know about that chicken. What do you mean, no?

What's the matter now?

I'd bust it again.

What are you talking about?

You told me that each one of those hens was supposed to lay one egg every day.

Right? Well, they've been here for a whole week and all we got is six lousy

eggs. What do you expect me to do? Squeeze the eggs out of them?

Well, you're the expert. Do something.

I've done everything but jump up and sit in the nest with them.

Oh, now, honey, don't get all upset.

Maybe the reason the chickens aren't laying is because they're nervous.

Nervous? What are they... got to be nervous about?

Wouldn't you be nervous if someone was standing around waiting for you to lay

egg?

Yeah, Rick, it's their new surroundings.

As soon as they get the feeling at home, I'll bet they'll drop eggs so fast

we'll have to jump out of the way.

She's right, Rick.

Well, I hope they stop feeling at home soon.

Well, anyway, we're getting our breakfast for nothing.

For nothing?

Listen, with the cost of the feet, The money that I spent fixing the hen house,

the extra heat and electricity, and the money that we lost by switching the 500

baby chickens for the 200 hens, I figure out each one of those breakfasts is

costing $18 apiece.

Listen,

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to give those hens one more day.

Now, if by tomorrow they don't start laying regularly, I'm going to sell the

whole bunch of them and get out of the egg business.

I can take a hint.

Come on, Ethel, let's start packing. Oh, now, Fred, hold on. You got one more

day. Yeah, now, Fred, instead of packing, maybe you better get out there

chicken house and give those hens a pep talk.

Yeah, but why don't you try scaring them? Walk through the hen house with a

that says, Friars for sale.

Sure, sure, sure.

I'll help them.

Yeah, you go help Uncle Fred, huh?

Chickens. I should have raised something on you.

out, like sugar cane.

Oh, dear. Oh, Lucy, this is awful.

The boys at each other's throats, the chickens aren't cooperating.

What are we going to do?

I don't know. Don't give up. We got one more day.

You don't expect those hens to lay a bumper crop of eggs overnight.

You know they could if we help them.

Lucy, I've never laid a... egg in my life and I really need to start trying

No, I don't mean that. I mean buy some.

Maybe about five dozen.

Take them out to the hen house, put them in the nest and let Fred and Ricky

discover them. What good would that do?

It'll only delay the inevitable one more day.

Well, in the meantime, maybe our hens will warm up and our men will cool down.

It's worth a try.

Well, so far so good.

Where's Ricky?

He went into New York. How about Fred? He's taking a nap.

How do you know that?

It's after lunch and before dinner. What else would he be doing?

I guess you're right.

Well, get your egg. Let's get out there. All righty.

Oh, what's the matter?

Your sleeping prince, he's out by the hen house chopping wood.

He's supposed to be taking a nap. Can't he ever do anything right?

Well, now what do we do?

Well, we'll just have to wait till he finishes chopping wood.

He'll probably be out there all afternoon.

We've got to get these in the nest before Ricky comes home.

Well, what'll we do?

Well, we'll just have to stash them out of some place and just walk casually by

Fred. We can't stash away five dozen eggs. Well, we can give it a try. Here,

open them up. What are you going to do?

Well, I'm going to put some in my blouse.

I can get some in my hip pockets, too.

Be careful.

Oh, be careful.

You want me to help you?

No, see now.

Oh, you have to be awful careful.

Yeah, this...

Hey,

I can get a dozen in one pocket.

Yeah, I'm doing all right, too.

Don't break them. Don't break them. Be careful. Just precious.

Three dozens?

I haven't broken one yet.

How do I look?

Oh, you look kind of lucky.

Maybe I better put my jacket on. Yeah. Want me to help you?

I can do it.

I'll help you, honey.

Wait a minute now. I've got one more thing to do.

Put them all in here and then I'll put them away there in the firebox. I'll get

it, I'll get it, I'll get it.

Easy now, I can't do things.

Lucy!

Hi.

Why, I thought you were in New York.

Well, I decided to take the letter train because I want to rehearse our number.

Rehearse?

of all those people, I want to do it right. Now come in and rehearse.

Well, I guess you won't be needing me, Lucy. So long.

Now, Ethel, wait a minute. Stick around. I want you to see what, you know, tell

us what it looks like.

be dignified. We should stand at least two feet apart.

To tango? Yeah, well, you were right. We don't want to get the school raided.

Come on, honey, if we're going to tango, let's tango, eh?

anymore.

Did he give the kids away?

them and they've all disappeared.

Well, don't tell me your troubles.

Now, look, Fred, you're in charge of the chickens. Now, where are they? I was in

charge of the chickens. I quit, remember?

As long as you stay in here, the chickens are your responsibility.

I'm not staying here. We're moving out.

Who do you mean by we? Me and my wife.

Mrs. Mertz.

You sure that's everybody that's moving out?

What are you driving at?

I'm not driving at anything, Fred.

Just so happens that this room is full of chicken feathers.

So what?

So what?

Yeah, so what?

So how'd they get here?

Don't ask me.

You know what a miserable housekeeper Ethel is.

How should I know?

Well, he doesn't sound like Perry Como.

Just because there was no profit out of the egg business, there's no reason for

you to plan to walk off with 200 chickens. Just a minute. Are you calling

chicken thief?

Those are your words,

not mine. I don't know how this chicken got in here and I don't care, but I defy

you to find another one in this house.

You got some friends around here?

I'm going to go over to the house.

I'm going to wait there for 20 minutes.

Now, if the chickens reappear, there will be no questions asked.

And I will not prosecute.

Just a minute.

Just a chicken -picking minute.

Gee,

Ethel, I just feel terrible.

Me too.

You and Fred moving back to the city.

I don't want you to move away.

Well... I guess friends should never go into business together.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I wonder how Sears and Roebuck handled it.

Well, for one thing, Sears wasn't a stubborn Irishman and Roebuck wasn't a

-tempered Latin.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Well, even though we're not going to be neighbors anymore, you and Fred can come

out and visit us on weekends.

Oh, Fred's so mad it'll be years before I can drag him out here again.

Well,

we can meet secretly for lunch at Schraff's.

We can do that. Yeah.

Well, I got to go help Fred with the packing.

Okay.

Dear.

So long.

Oh,

I almost forgot my fur jacket's in your closet.

Hey,

why don't you leave it there? Pretend that you forgot it and you can come out

and get it next week.

Oh, that's a wonderful idea, Lucy.

Maybe by that time our gladiators will have cooled off.

Oh, come on, you coward. Put up your dukes.

I'm going to paste you right in the mouth.

I'd like to see you try. Yeah, well, step outside.

Well, just come in from outside.

What's going on?

He called me a chicken thief. That's what's going on.

A chicken thief?

There are 200 chickens missing, and I found a bunch of them over at their

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Fred didn't steal any chickens.

Did you, Fred?

Of course not.

See, Ricky, if he says he didn't take them, he didn't take them. How do you

know? If there's one thing Fred isn't, and there's only one thing Fred isn't,

it's a chicken thief.

Thanks, Ethel.

All right, then, Ethel.

Let me ask you a question.

How did a chicken get into your hat box?

How did a chicken get into my hat box?

Yeah. How did he get in there, Ethel?

Lucy, are you going to stand there and let him accuse me, too?

Well, how did that chicken get in your hat box?

That does it.

We're leaving.

And I'll just take my fur jacket with me. I wouldn't want to make another trip

out here to pick up...

cool cookie, planting those birds in our place just to throw us off the track.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You were going to call me a chicken thief and get me to leave and then sell

the chickens to the poultry man and collect all the money.

Oh, no, Fred.

He isn't that clever.

But there's someone in this room who is.

Are you calling me a chicken thief?

Those are your words, not mine.

You got a lot of nerve, you and your hat box full of chicken feathers.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I suppose you want me to think those birds walked into that closet and shut

door behind it. I have no...

Her little Bruce's room is full of our chickens.

How did they get there?

I don't know, but I have a sneaking suspicion.

Little Ricky!

What, Mommy?

Have you been hiding our chickens, dear?

chicken seat.

Well, that's all right, Rick. I've been called worse things by Ethel.

Lucy, can you forgive me?

Can you forgive me?

I guess it'll take more than a bunch of chickens to break our friendship. Right.

How about the chickens, Daddy? Can you keep them?

Well, I don't know if we can keep them or not, son. You see, Uncle Fred and I

went into the egg business together, but it doesn't seem to...

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I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.