Original subtitles

Bills, bills, bills.

That's all there is in the mail this morning.

Lucy. I'm sorry. I bought it. I didn't want it anyway, and I'll take it back

tomorrow. No, no, no, honey. It's not you this time. These are all household

bills. Oh, thank goodness. The house is going to catch up for a change.

How can we spend so much money?

Listen to this.

Heating bill, $52.

Telephone, $23.

Electric bill, $18 .75.

Water, $16.

How are we going to pay all these bills?

No, honey, you don't have to pay them all at once.

Look, look, I got a system. See? We put them all in the lazy Susan like this,

see? Just like that. Now, we spin it around and any bill that stays on gets

paid.

The lucky winner is the Connecticut Light and Power Company.

Lucy, we can't pay our bills by spinning them around on a lousy Susan.

It's a lazy Susan.

Well, whatever it is.

How do you suggest we pay all the unlucky losers?

Well... What's this one here?

Groceries. Eighty -eight dollars.

How can three people eat so much?

It's five people. Don't forget the Mertzes have been here every weekend.

know how this country air affects Ethel's appetite.

Well, maybe this weekend you better tell Ethel to breathe a little less.

I'm only going to be here one day this time, and anyway, you know you love

having them. I know, I love having them, honey, but the money just keeps going

out and out.

What's this?

Three surgery, $50.

Well, now, honey, you know how thick that poor old elm was outside.

I needed attention.

I know, but $50.

I could have had my appendix taken out.

Oh, honey, now you know. it was going to cost more living in the country. I

didn't know it was going to cost this much more.

Well, I'll say one thing for those bills. They've certainly taken your mind

the $3 ,000 I paid for the furniture. Oh, I forgot all about that.

Oh, me and my big mouth.

You spent $3 ,000 for new furniture. Well, now, honey, it would have cost a

more if Betty Ramsey hadn't gotten us that discount.

That's another thing. If Betty Ramsey hadn't taken you to that wholesale

you wouldn't have spent nearly... as much. Oh, me? I gotta have a talk with

mouth.

Wouldn't you know?

Wouldn't you know that we would just move right next door to somebody like

Ramsey? He's the nosiest, most meddling female that I have ever seen in my life.

Hi, Betty. Hi, Betty. How are you, Betty? Hi, Ricky.

I'm sorry to barge in, but I've got the most wonderful news.

What? I just talked to this friend of mine who writes for House and Garden

magazine, and I told her about your house. Well, she'd love to see it, and

she likes it, she's gonna do a whole spread. of pictures of your house in her

magazine. Oh, Betty, how wonderful. Isn't that exciting, Ricky?

Yeah, exciting.

Oh, Ricky. And you were worried about Lucy spending all that money for

Yeah!

I'll come and talk to you about it. I just love to chat about it for a while.

think it's wonderful. That's really thrilling news, Betty. Bye!

Oh, just think, honey. Maybe we're going to get a picture of our home and house

and garden. Yeah, great.

That'll be another expense. Now we'll have to buy 50 copies of the magazine.

Gee,

honey. I guess you're right about it being more expensive living in the

but it doesn't have to be.

What do you mean?

Well, we're not making the country work for us. You know, we could raise things.

You're right. First thing we've got to raise is money to pay for this building.

No, no, I'm serious. A lot of people around here make extra money by...

Now, we could have apple orchards and grape vineyards and maybe some grain and

wheat fields and a herd or two of cattle, maybe.

Lucy, we only own two acres, you know. What you're talking about will take the

entire state of Iowa away.

Iowa away.

Well, how do you think the state of Iowa away got started?

Farming, huh? That's right.

Well, maybe we could do a little farming.

Well, it's got to be in a very small scale.

Something small now, something small.

Chickens, let's raise chickens.

What about corn?

Why corn instead of chickens?

Well, we'll sleep a lot better.

Corn doesn't crow at 5 o 'clock in the morning.

We'll make a lot more money raising chickens.

Yeah, how do you figure?

Well, chickens lay eggs, right?

I can't argue with you on that.

And eggs are 75 cents a dozen. That's clear profit right there.

Yeah, well, suppose the chickens stop laying eggs.

Once the chicken is all egged out, you sell it for poultry. You can't lose.

What about expenses?

Oh, what expenses are there? Shelter and some food. What can little grain and

corn cost? Fifty cents a sack. That's chicken feed.

Well,

when you stop cackling, who's going to take care of all these chickens?

Well, what's there to take care of?

As fast as they drop the eggs, we pick them up and put them in the cartons.

It sounds good.

Sure, it's a snap.

And who knows, maybe later on we can train the chickens to lay the eggs right

the cartons.

You know, cut out the middleman.

Well, honey, if the business folds, we can always eat the inventory.

That's true.

Sure.

We figure that by selling the eggs and marketing the chickens...

We could make a nice piece of change.

And it was all my idea.

Yeah.

What's

the

matter? Have you ever seen me eat before?

I've never seen you do anything else.

I don't see you going on any hunger strike.

Well, Fred, what do you think of our little scheme?

Well, it sounds pretty good. But you better hire somebody with experience to

handle it for you.

Well, if we got to get somebody, then he's out of the question.

We can't afford to hire a hand.

We can't even afford to hire a finger.

You don't have to pay him a salary, Rick. Let him work, give him a place to

live, and cut him in for a share of the profits.

Oh, are there people who do that?

Well, sure. We had a man who did just that when I was a little boy on the

Hard to believe Fred was ever on a farm.

It's hard to believe he was ever a little boy.

All right, you two. All right.

You know, Fred, if we could get somebody like that, he might be worth it. Yeah,

it might be profitable for both parties.

Hey, if we got a chicken fellow, he could live in the guest house.

Yeah.

Now, how do you go about getting someone like that? Well, put an ad in the local

paper. Yeah, that's a good idea. Now, let's see. What do we say?

I had a pencil on here. What happened to it? Maybe you have to lay it.

You write out the ad, Rick, and we'll drop it off at the newspaper on our way

the station.

Okay, now let's see you. How do we start it, Fred? Well, you've got to have a

tricky heading for the ad. Something that'll catch their eye.

Uh -huh.

I know.

Become a millionaire overnight.

That's a little bit too optimistic, don't you think?

How about get rich quick?

That's still too much.

Why don't you just say, want to pour your money down a rat hole?

Now, honey, don't be silly. Besides, there's no money required.

There's your heading. No money required.

That'll sure catch my eye.

No money required. That's good.

No money required.

Now, what else?

Wanted. Wanted.

That's good.

Experienced chicken farmer.

How do you spell experienced?

E -X -P.

E -X?

You're kidding.

E -X -P -E -R.

What do you know?

Honey?

What? We've got some answers to our ads. Oh, any good ones? Well, this sounds

pretty good. Well, he's got 12 children.

No place to put them all. Well, don't throw away his address. He sounds like a

great customer for our eggs.

Here's a kid who's going to agricultural college.

Oh, he sounds good.

Well, he's not for us, though. He's a sophomore, and he wants us to hold the

open until he graduates.

This one I haven't seen yet.

Let's see.

In answer to your ad, I present the following qualifications.

I was born and raised on a farm in the Midwest, and I'm very familiar with

chickens.

I am an industrious, intelligent, and reliable veteran of World War I.

Oh, he's an old codger.

Although my wife and I live in the city, we are most anxious to return to this

simple life.

Having been in show business for a long while, I feel specially qualified for

this position since over the years I have laid many an egg myself.

Got a good sense of humor.

If you're interested, Just open your front door.

My wife and I are waiting on the porch.

Sincerely, your Fred H.

Merch. Oh, no!

Hey, kid!

Hi! Hi, Vanessa!

Hi, Papa Lee! What is this?

I hear you're looking for a good hired hand. We almost froze hiding out there.

We thought you'd never come out for the mail.

Oh, honestly. You mean this whole thing isn't a joke?

We were never more serious in our lives. We've been talking about it ever since

we left here Saturday.

Just made the decision this morning.

This morning? Well, how'd your letter get here so fast?

Well, we brought it up with us on the train and it's stuck in your mailbox.

I have to say.

Didn't you notice the stamp?

No.

An Easter seal.

You know, they threatened waste three cents.

Fine for the job. Why, we never thought of you. No!

We never thought of us either until after we got to town.

We've been talking about it ever since.

Fred was so excited he couldn't sleep.

I can top that. Ethel was so excited she couldn't eat.

Oh, honey, I just think this is marvelous. And best of all, if you give

job, we'll be near you again.

Of course you've got the job.

Fred, do you really know everything about chickens?

Well, for the past 25 years, I've been hand -picked.

Remember, Rick, I told you I was raised on a farm. Well, Bernie, you got

yourself a job. We're in the chicken business together.

Oh, that's wonderful. Hey, what about your apartment?

Mrs. Trumbull's sister wants to move in and manage the building for us. Oh,

that's wonderful. She'll move in any time we give her the high sign.

Well, that's just wonderful. Then it's all settled, huh, Lucy? What?

Well, now, we can't move into the guest house until all of our stuff gets here.

Oh, honey, you can stay in our spare room upstairs.

Oh, good, fine.

Well, look, we can start in the chicken business right away. Wait.

Let's see now. What do we want first?

Baby chicks.

Hold it, Lucy. Hold it. We got a lot of fixing up to do in that hen house. I got

to paint, plaster, put up chicken wire.

That'll take at least a week. A week? Yes.

Oh, my.

Well, if we're going to live with you for a week before we can go into

together, we want to pay your rent. Oh, Ethel, no. No, that's out of the

question. I'll say it is.

Fred, we are paying rent.

Oh, for corn's sake.

What's so funny?

I was just thinking, after all these years, I'm going to be Fred's landlord.

Well, I hope you'll be a good one, Rick.

Well, I'll try to be as good a landlord as you were.

Uh -oh.

We're in trouble.

hired hand, ma 'am. Oh, hi, Fred.

Hi. Where's little Ricky? He's next door playing with a Ramsey kid. Oh.

What have you been doing, Fred?

Plastering the cracks in the hen house all afternoon that you were supposed to

help me with. That's what I've been doing, Fred.

Hired help seems to be getting nastier all the time. What have you been doing?

Well, we... You tell him, Lucy.

Okay.

Well, I...

Fred, we went into the village to do a little shopping.

And we just happened to pass the hatchery and we went in to browse.

Well, we just couldn't resist.

Fred, you and Ethel are now the proud parents of 500 baby chicks.

Congratulations, you old rooster.

Same to you, you old hen.

We can have them delivered next week when the hen house is ready. Oh, the hen

house is fine. After all, chickens aren't fussy. Yeah, we were just down

And your little family seems to love it.

Holy...

Do you mean to tell me that you put 500 baby chicks in that hen house?

Yeah, why not?

Are you crazy? In this cold weather, they'll freeze their fuzz off.

Well, Fred, they're all in boxes.

Oh, but they gotta be kept warm.

Now, you phone that hatchery and tell them to send two brooders over here

away. Two brooders? Yes, right away.

Come on, now, you help me bring those chickens in here so they stay warm. Oh,

will, I will.

Never heard of such a thing.

Freeze their fuzz off.

Fred, I did, but they were already closed.

Oh, my. What do we do with them, Fred?

We'll have to keep them in the house till tomorrow.

Oh, well, it's a good thing we got this feed.

Where should we put them?

What's the warmest room in the house?

Well, the den, I guess. It's right over the furnace.

Well, open the vents in the den and turn the heat up to 90.

90? Yes, 90.

We want to raise chickens, not roast them.

Baby chicks have to have a temperature of 90 degrees. Now, don't stand there

argue. Turn up the heat. All right.

Fred's ever said, turn up the heat.

You never did this for me.

You're no chicken, Ethel.

Where's a good place? Right here. Right here, Fred.

Push it over a little bit.

All right.

Hey, let's take the boxes off. The cover's off the boxes. I bet it's very

in here. I'll go and check the furnace. We've got to keep these chickens warm.

Okay.

I love that girl's little face.

They're so soft and sweet.

Yeah, you can hardly feel one in your hand.

Hey, listen.

They're talking about friends.

They're talking about friends. Yeah, they're saying, cheap, cheap, cheap.

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.

Gee, I bet they're hungry. Let's feed them. Okay.

Ah, I'll push this back.

boxes till I get ready for you.

Lucy, what are you doing? I'm setting the table for their dinner.

be all right for a few minutes. It's hot in here now.

Oh, boy, I'll say it is.

Say, watching Emmy made me kind of hungry.

Okay,

good idea.

How do you put those chickens back in their boxes?

Oh, no, Fred.

Let them even put them back in after we finish.

Goodbye. Come on, fellas.

Enjoy your dinner. Have a good time. There you go. Over there. Over there.

Oh, brother.

Wall -to -wall chickens.

It's hot in there. I'll stay.

Gee, I don't want to be around when Ricky finds 500 chickens in the den.

I'll tell you one thing. He's going to be plenty miserable when he starts

reading his newspaper.

What do you want to eat, Ethel? Oh, just something to nibble on. How about a

chicken leg?

Shh.

Oh, I hope they didn't hear you.

I'm sorry, hon. My God.

Most chicken farmers only have foxes to worry about. We got Ethel, too.

in the den.

If I didn't know, I'd swear they were right in the next room.

Daddy, look!

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Oh, yeah, you found them.

Isn't that the sweetest thing?

Did you close the den door, dear?

I don't remember.

You don't remember?

Oh, Lucy.

Oh,

no! Oh, my gosh.

Oh, no wonder they sounded like they were right in the next room. Quick, open

the vents and let in more heat.

of funny farmers. We kept our chickens in the hen house.

431, 432, 433.

Now let's see.

Oh, Ethel, we're still missing 67 chicks.

Well, where would you go if you were 67 chicks?

Anywhere to get out of this 90 degree heat.

It's got to be around here somewhere.

Chick, chick, chick, chick.

Come on, come on, chicken.

Chick, chick, chick, chick.

Oh, where's Fred?

He's making us some lemonade. Oh, good for him.

It's like a steam bath in here.

What's the latest count?

65, still at large.

Any suggestions?

Yeah. Let's wait till they grow up. They'll be easier to find.

Hello? Oh, we're in here, honey.

Hey, it's hot in here.

I saw they're 90.

Don't touch that thermostat.

heat up so high? Why are you dressed up like that?

Well, what question do you want me to answer? What's going on? What's all

Why is the heat up so high, or why are we dressed like this?

Answer them all.

Okay? These are baby chicks, and the heat's up so high so that they won't

freeze. We're dressed like this so we won't roast, and this is all going on

because little Ricky left the door to the den open, and would you care for

lemonade?

Well, I like to think that I got into the wrong house.

You see, Lucy and I bought 500 baby chicks.

Yeah, aren't they cute, honey?

Adorable. Well, what are they doing here?

Well, we had to bring them into the house because these two dumb doors

know that you have to keep baby chicks in brooders.

Why, anybody knows that you have to keep baby chicks in a brooder.

Where's the brooder?

It's a contraption to keep them warm.

Oh, well, come on. Let's get them out of here. Put them in the den and let's

cool off the rest of the house.

We can't.

Why not?

Because, sir, 65 of our chickens are missing.

Well, I can't stand this heat any longer. Well, now, Rick, we've got to

this hot until we find the missing chicks.

All right, come on, let's find them. Oh, we've been looking, Ricky.

Ricky,

in English, in English.

Chicken,

why is it hot in here?

Well, get them out of there.

Oh, I can't reach them. They're all huddled up against the wall.

I'll help you.

Chickie, come on, Chick.

Come on, Chick. Chick, Chick, Chick, Chick.

Come on. Are you getting them?

No, I can't reach them either.

Well, do you need any help?

No, I got an idea.

I think I'll pretend I'm their mother. Maybe they'll come.

magazine.

I don't think so.

Oh, dear, no.

I'll call you later, Lucy.

Oh, dear.

Now we'll never get up at your house and garden.

That's all right, honey. Don't worry.

Maybe we'll make the next issue of Chicken Breeders Gazette.

the arnaz will be