Original subtitles

Come in.

Oh, hi, Ross.

Hi, Lucy.

Uh, Ricky isn't here right now, but he'll be back in a few minutes. That's

right. I came over to talk to you.

Oh? Lucy, I just sent Ricky for a big spread in Photo Play magazine.

Article, pictures, the works.

Wow, wonderful.

What'd you want to talk to me about? Well, about the article. You're a very

important part of it.

I am? Sure. You see, now that Don Juan is called off, we can play up the fact

that Ricky is married.

And the article's going to be entitled, What It's Like to Be Married to Ricky

Ricardo by You.

By me? That's right.

What it's like to be married to Ricky Ricardo.

You think he can handle it?

Handle it? I'm an expert in the field. Good.

Hi. There he is. Hi, Ross. Hi, Ricky. You been waiting for me? No, I came over

to see Lucy.

Oh. We were just discussing an article about you for Photo Play magazine.

You and Lucy were discussing it?

Yeah, it's called What it's like to be married to Ricky Ricardo.

By me.

Oh, I see.

You're going to write it and then you're going to put Lucy in there. No, no,

Ricky. We want this to be an honest, sincere account of exactly the way Lucy

feels about you.

What's the matter with you? Are you crazy or something?

What are you afraid of, Ricky?

Oh, no, no, nothing, honey. Just, you know, that you haven't got enough

experience.

Haven't got enough experience.

I've been married to you longer than anybody.

I don't mean that. I mean, you haven't got enough experience in writing. She

doesn't need any, Ricky.

They gave me a list of questions. All they want Lucy to do is fill in the

answers. See?

Well, I guess it's all right. Fine. Now, here are the questions, Lucy, and send

the answers to that address. Okay. I'll go right away.

I'd better be going.

I'm setting up a big television show for you, Ricky. Good.

I'll see you later. All right. Oh, and Lucy. Yeah? Don't be afraid of it. Put

down in your own words. Be natural. I will.

Okay.

Goodbye, Ross. Bye. Bye. Thank you.

Well, what kind of places are they?

Well... Well, let's see now. Question number one, are you happily married?

Question number two, does Ricky snore?

Question number three, what kind of husbands do Latins really make?

Oh, this is going to be fun.

Listen,

you sure you don't want me to help you with the answer? No, no. No, no. Now, I

have to do this all by myself. Now, you go away and leave me alone. Go over

there and sit down in the chair and read your paper.

Just leave me be.

Let's see now.

First question.

And the second word was B -R -O -T -H -E -R.

What's all that other stuff you're writing there now? Just a few

passages.

questions I have to answer. Oh, boy, what an opportunity.

I wish I'd get a chance to write an article like that.

Who'd buy it? True horror stories?

Oh, you funny, funny woman.

All right, everybody, I cannot create with a crowd around.

Now, look, Lucy, you listen to me.

make a deal with you. If you go away, let me answer these questions. I promise

I'll let you see them before I send them in. You promise? I promise. Come on,

Ricky. We'll take you down to Will Wright and buy you an ice cream soda.

Ethel, we're not going there again today.

Yes, we are now, Fred. They got 24 flavors and I've only tasted 20.

Come on, Rick. I'll need you to help me push her through the door.

Take your time, everybody. I want to do a good job on my first big assignment.

Yeah, well, but just watch what you know. Never mind now.

Ricky's going to emcee the Hart Fund.

Oh, gee, Ross, that's wonderful.

Say, I don't suppose they might need a pretty girl to lead the guest stars up

the microphone, huh?

Yeah, well, I happen to know a redhead who... Oh, they have.

Oh, well, okay.

Say, Ross... I just happen to have a thought.

Ross, instead of my writing that article for the magazine...

How about you getting someone to interview me and ask those questions

Ricky on that program?

And that way, people all over America could... How's that?

Oh, well.

All right, I'll mail it into the magazine.

Okay. Yeah, I'll give it to him the minute he comes in.

Ross? Ross, I don't know if I ever told you, but you know, I can play Glow Worm

on the saxophone, and I have sort of an act built around it where I...

Okay, thanks.

How's the article coming?

Fine. I'm all finished. Good. Hey, Ross called. There's a message on the desk

there. Yes.

Hey, this is great.

Television show coast to coast for the hard fun, huh?

Yeah, Ross seemed pretty excited about it.

Uh, Ricky.

Yeah. About the television show, I have a question for you.

Well, I'm pretty sure what it is, and I have an answer for you.

Well, I'm pretty sure what your answer is, but let me ask it anyway.

All right.

Can I be on the show?

No.

Ten seconds. That's the fastest we've ever done it.

So you're going to say you're not going to get mad or anything?

Why should I get mad?

I get a thinking feeling in my stomach when you get that look in your face.

Oh, don't be silly. Why should you get a thinking feeling?

After all, if you don't want me on the show, that's your business.

Well, I must say you're very understanding.

Sure, just forget I asked.

Good.

Now, would you like to see my answers to these questions? Yeah, sure would.

Which set would you like to see?

Which set?

Yes, I made an alternate set.

These are about my dear, darling husband who's such a considerate angel.

And these are about the dirty rat who won't let me be on the show.

You won't dare.

Oh, wouldn't I?

But that's blackmail. Oh, come now, let's not call it that.

That's what it is. I know, but let's not call it that.

Now, would you like to hear me read these?

Never mind, never mind. I know what I'm like.

Then I can be on the show? Yes.

Cuban Scouts Honor.

Cuban Scouts Honor.

Thank you, dear.

Now then, what do we do on the Hart Fund benefit? I have a few ideas.

Listen. If you don't mind, I'll decide what we do in the show, all right?

Well... After all, blackmailers can be shoosers.

I just want to make sure you shoe something that shows me off.

You just don't worry about that, huh? You just mail this thing and leave the

rest up to me. I'll take care of you.

That's what I'm afraid of.

No, not really. I got something for you to do.

Nothing good.

It's God's honor.

Well, okay.

Hey! Hey!

I kiss the calling doll.

You're as welcome as the flowers in May.

In dear old Sonny doll.

Well, that's fine.

Yes,

sir. That'll be great in the show.

Hiya. Hiya, honey. Hi. Hi.

What kept you? Oh, honey, I had to wait for Mother to get back from the

hairdresser so she could take care of the baby.

But I'm here now. Come on, let's rehearse.

Okay, let's see now. Let me get you.

of a musical trick.

See, we sing two songs at the same time. Two songs at the same time? That's

right, but they work out together all right.

Oh? Fred, you know them better. Sure. You want to do it with me short time?

Yeah. Let Fred do it for you and then you can see what I mean.

You sing Humoresque and I'll sing Swanee River.

All right.

One, two, swim.

sing Humoresque, and I'll sing Swan in the River.

You ready?

Okay. Give me a little skid there, Marco.

I'll give you two.

One, two, three.

in Swanee River.

You've got to stick to your rest. You switched.

Oh, I thought something sounded funny. Well, I know Swanee River so much

Why don't you let me sing that? Oh, sure, honey. Here. Okay.

Are you ready, Michael? Give us a... One, two... Way, way, way,

way, way, way down upon the Swanee River.

What's the matter?

Honey, you've got to wait for me. We've got to do it together.

Oh, yeah.

All right, two.

One, two.

You

just

can't do it. You can't do it at all.

I tried, you can't do this, and I got the whole show written. There's nothing

for you to do. Well, give me something else to do. I'm sorry, honey. The whole

show is already written.

There is nothing that you can do.

Oh, isn't there?

It's a good thing I didn't mail this.

I guess I'll have to mail in my revised copy after all.

I thought you tore that up. What do you do, paste it together?

No. I just saved a carbon copy in case of an emergency.

And this, my Latin lover, is an emergency.

I think there is something in there that you can do.

What is it? It's a Spanish dance number.

Spanish dance number. I can do that. Come on, let's rehearse it. Well, if you

don't mind, I would like to go to the mailbox and drop the right answers.

In the box first?

Honestly, did you ever see anybody stick to an idea like Lucy? She's a regular

human mustard plaster.

Where did Ricky go?

Oh, he went down to the corner, but he'll be back in a minute. Oh, I just

to check with him on this costume. It's for the Spanish dance.

The matador number?

I'll catch him later.

Just a minute.

Does somebody's head go in there?

Yeah.

Isn't by any chance a Spanish dance between a lady matador and a Cuban bull,

it? Oh, Ricky's the matador. I don't know who he's got for the bull.

Oh, brother, what'll Lucy do when she finds out she's the bull?

She'll probably gore him.

I think I'd better warn her. Now, if you'll do me a favor and keep your big

bazoo shut.

Okay. Yeah.

What's the matter?

Oh, boy, this is a switch.

For once, the bowl will be full of Lucy.

Well, we nailed it. Let's get on with the rehearsal.

All right, now, here's the way that the Spanish dance number goes. You see, I

come out here, and I sing a few bars, and then you make your entrance.

Now, you come from here, and you come like this.

Like that?

Yeah, that's right. Like that. Go on, try it.

No,

no, no, honey. Don't snap your fingers there. Well, I'm pretending I have

castanets in them. Well, the part you're playing doesn't use any castanets.

No castanets?

Do it again without the castanets.

Are you sure this is right?

It's right.

I've seen very few Spanish dancers in this position.

Well, the song explains the whole thing.

I'm not by any chance a señorita with lumbago, am I?

Now, let me explain to you. Look, you see, at this part of the number, I go

here and I take out a big red cape.

And if you come on, I go...

It's a very dramatic role. Oh, sure.

It is, honey. Now, I'm out here. I'm doing this number. And when the bull

in, you see, you're just ferocious. You're just fierce. And you're, you're,

you're stomping the ground. And you're pointing at it. And you're wild with

rage. Your only thought is to kill me. You can say that again.

Well, look, honey. I have given you your chance. You don't want it?

Some chance.

Say, Ricky.

Yeah. The prop department wants to know if this is all right, or do you want

them to make some changes?

Yeah, this is fine. It's silly of me to ask, but what is that?

It's your costume.

My costume? Yeah. Oh, is she going to wear this?

Well, I thought she was, but I guess... Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to wear it.

Ah, good girl, good girl.

Shall I tell the prop department it's all right?

Well, now, let me see. Yeah, I think it looks... You know what I would like,

though? I would like a more ferocious, fierce look. You know, like...

Let me see that again.

Could you come along and let them see that expression?

I could never describe it.

Gee, I'm surprised, Lucy. I didn't think you'd go through with it. Yeah, what

made you change your mind?

Well, Ricky's right. The bull is very important in this number.

At least he will be, shall we say, with a slight change of personality.

Shake hands with your uncle, Mike, me lad, and kiss your cousin Kate.

She's the one you used to swing around the garden gate. Shake hands with all

neighbors, and kiss the collie doll.

You're as welcome as the boars in May.

Shake hands with all the neighbors and kiss the kinds off.

and he stole a shiny black hide with the devil inside.

and fall

Eshahu is mine.

Ross Elliott played himself, and the top man was Ray Kellogg.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.