Original subtitles

Oh.

Hi. Oh, hi.

What you doing?

I'm just checking our luggage for the trip. This stuff will never make it to

California. Did you ever see anything look so awful?

Yeah, Fred.

What's the matter with him?

Can't get over that $400 he lost buying that old car.

No kidding.

You ought to see him. He just sits and stares into space, glassy -eyed.

Well, for heaven's sake, I know $400 is a lot of money, but it's nothing to go

into a state of shock over.

Oh, you don't know Fred.

Once he actually foamed at the mouth when his penny got stuck in a peanut

machine.

Oh, not really. I'm telling you, it took two men and a crowbar to get his hand

out of the slop.

And you won't believe it.

I can't get him to eat anything.

Fred won't eat. Oh, he is sick.

Gee, honey, there must be something we can do to snap him out of it. Oh, I've

tried everything.

You know his friend that runs the garage in the next block?

Joe? Joe.

Joe said he'd fix up the whole car so it would run and only charge $20.

And even that didn't make any impression on him.

Will you see what you can do, Lucy?

Sure. I'll take a crack at him, and I don't know what I could do. Well, I'll

get him.

You won't believe this even when you see it.

How would you like a big piece with a big hunk of cheese on it, huh? Does that

sound good, Fred?

Oh, boy, he's real gone.

Isn't that awful?

I'll go get the baby. He'll notice him.

Okay.

Sit down, Fred.

Honey, we're going to say hello to Uncle Fred, huh?

There he is.

There's Uncle Fred. Say hi.

Say hi, Uncle Fred.

Say hi.

Hi. Hi. Wave your hand at him. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss.

Well, I give up. What am I going to do?

I don't know.

When he doesn't notice the baby.

Still warm.

I know, but I started thinking about the long trip and everything, and I think

it's a better investment anyway.

Don't you think so, Fred?

Fred.

What's the matter with him? He's in a state of shock.

He's got $400.

It was too much for him. He's retired from reality.

He can't hear a word we say.

Well, that's too bad, because I got wonderful news.

What? Well, I use Fred's old Cadillac as a trade -in, so Fred will get all his

money back.

What's that?

and I use your old car as a trading. And the guy allowed me $400 on it. So all I

got to do is give you the $400 and everybody's happy.

called the insurance man and he wasn't in the office.

I just couldn't wait any longer to show it to you. Come on.

It's the most beautiful car in the whole world.

It's pretty, isn't it? Yeah. Take me for another ride.

No, we don't move that car until it's insured. Well, call the man again. Go

All right.

No, no, I called him.

Lucy, please.

They got enough traffic problems in Los Angeles already.

Now, honey, listen.

Suppose we're driving across country. We're in the middle of the desert, miles

from anywhere.

And you get sick.

And then Fred gets sick. And Ethel can't drive.

And there we are.

Miles from civilization.

It's hot.

The sun is pouring down. It's broiling. We're thirsty.

Our throats are parched.

my message?

No. Well, then why didn't you say so? That hurt my throat.

Come on, Ricky, say that you'll teach me to drive. No.

You'll be sorry. I'm going to nag you about this. I'm not going to let you

a minute until you promise me that... Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I'll teach you.

Well, those are the most beautiful words I ever heard. I'll teach you.

No, I didn't give up quickly.

No? I laid awake all night last night trying to figure a way out of this.

There is none.

When can I have my driving lesson? This afternoon?

Maybe. Oh, well, you know, I practically know how to drive. I took a couple of

lessons in high school.

Well, things have changed a little since then.

Oh, have they? Come here.

Here's the name of the man, his phone number, and all the information you've

to give him. Yeah? Now, if you can get this guy on the phone before I come back

from the club, I'll give you a lesson this afternoon. Oh!

What was that?

Aren't you going to take your car?

No, no.

I may never drive again.

What's the matter with him?

Oh.

He got mad at me while I was driving through the Holland Tunnel.

Ricky let you drive through the Holland Tunnel? Well, he didn't mean to. I got

caught in a stream of traffic and I couldn't stop.

Halfway through.

What do you mean, halfway?

Well, Ricky was late for rehearsal, and I saw an opportunity to... How was I

supposed to know there wasn't room to make a U -turn?

You made a U -turn in the Holland Tunnel?

Oh, brother, that must have been something.

Yeah. The policeman said the cars were backed up all the way to East Orange,

Jersey.

took him to the zoo.

Oh, good.

You know, Ethel, it was awful exciting learning to drive, though. You should

have seen me. I was just like a real professional. I hung my arm out the

you know. Oh, boy, I envy you.

I always wanted Fred to teach me how to drive, but we never owned a car.

Well, you should learn how to drive. That way we could take turns driving

the country.

You think so?

Sure.

Maybe I'll develop other talents like folding up road maps and keeping an eye

open for clean restrooms. Oh.

No,

you really should learn to drive, though. You know who's going to teach

Who? Me.

You? You just learned this morning.

Listen, I drove for a whole hour.

Oh, pardon me, Barney Oldfield.

Come on. Come on, I'll show you how it goes. Hey, wait a minute.

You think we ought to drive that without Ricky's permission?

Oh, we're not going to drive it. You just sit behind the wheel.

how things work. Sort of a dry run, you know?

Oh, listen, when we get back upstairs, remind me to call the man about the

insurance for the car, will you? You mean Ricky let you drive this car and it

wasn't insured?

Well, he sort of thought it was insured. He told me to call the man, but I

couldn't get him. I didn't want to miss my driving lesson.

Lucy! Well, he didn't ask me.

Anyway, nothing happened. There's no harm done. Get in.

All right.

Oh, gee, I never thought this would happen to me.

Oh, boy, I feel so sporty.

Now, what do I do? Well, if you had the key, you'd put it... Oh.

Oh, he left the key in here.

Yeah. Just turn the key.

Turn the key. Uh -huh.

What was that? Oh, well, nothing to get frightened now. That's just the motor.

Oh.

There. Now, see this gidget here?

Yeah. Now, that's neutral.

Then you put it in drive.

And then you put it in low. See?

Yeah. Now, there's nothing to it, really.

Isn't that a motor quiet, though?

It isn't even running.

Of course it's running.

No, it isn't. Well, sure it is. Step on the gas, you'll see.

Okay, ready?

teach you to drive.

What are we going to do?

Let's hop in the car and head for the border.

No, we got to get these cars apart.

And then what? Well, maybe I can take the Pontiac down to the garage and get

fixed before Ricky comes home. Come on, jump up on here. Jump up on here? Yeah,

and bounce up and down.

You up there?

Yeah. All right, now jump up and down.

I guess we'll have to drive both cars to California.

Hey, are the keys in the Cadillac?

Yeah, they're under the seat. The man's going to pick it up today.

Oh, here they are.

What are you going to do?

Listen, do you think if I drove this car to the garage, that one would follow?

No.

Do you know how to drive this? Oh, sure. I learned to drive in a car like this.

Do it. See, this is the gear shift.

And this is the brake. and this is the clutch?

Or is this the brake and this the clutch?

Don't you know?

Well, I find out as soon as I get going, you know. How?

Well, if I step on the brake and it doesn't stop, it was the clutch.

Let's go. Okay.

Oh, hey.

Wait a minute.

You gotta stay here.

Stay here?

Yeah. And stall everybody off.

Oh, what'll I do? So, look, where's Fred? He's downtown.

Look, if Fred comes back,

You tell him that the man came for the Cadillac and that Ricky has a Pontiac

downtown. If the man comes for the Cadillac, you tell him that Fred has it

for one last farewell spin.

If Ricky comes home, you tell him the man came for the Cadillac and Fred took

the Pontiac downtown to have it washed.

Okay?

No, you stay here and tell that story. I'll drive the car to the garage.

Oh, you can't do that. You haven't even soloed yet.

I hope you know what you're doing. I hope so, too. Wish me luck.

Okay.

It was the most horrible experience of my life.

And I've had some pretty horrible experiences.

I'll bet, Ethel, if I skipped my next henna rinse, I'd find my hair a snow

white.

Well, tell me what happened.

Well, I went down to the garage to ask the mechanic how much it would cost to

fix the Pontiac. He said it might be as much as $150.

Why $150?

Oh, I don't know. Something's out of line.

the front of the Pontiac, so I didn't have that much money, so I just decided

drive the cars back here, park them in front of the apartment, and just tell

Ricky I didn't know how any of it happened.

Well, how did the Cadillac get hooked onto the back of the... Yeah, I'm coming

to that.

You know that underpass by Grand Central Station?

Well,

I was driving on the downhill side of it, and a car started to pass me, and it

was a new Pontiac, just like our car.

And the driver was...

and no one was driving.

So I looked back at our car, and it was gone.

It came unhooked.

Then what?

Well, it passed me at the bottom of the hill, and I didn't know what to do, so I

stopped. And the Pontiac kept on going up the hill, and it didn't quite make it

to the top.

It didn't... Not much it didn't. It started...

right into me.

You're right, I don't believe it.

I wouldn't have believed it either if it hadn't happened to me.

What are you going to say to Ricky?

How about goodbye?

No, Ethel, our only chance is to pretend complete innocence.

Oh, we'll never get away with it. Well, we better get away with it or Ricky and

Fred will be planting their footprint somewhere and it won't be Grauman's

Chinese Theater.

talking about. Just act nonchalant.

Look, Lucy, I am trying awfully hard to control my temper because this time I am

afraid to lose it. Yeah, well, look, I can explain everything.

I wasn't driving the car. I was just showing Ethel how things work. And you

the key, and I just showed her how to turn on the motor. And all of a sudden,

the Pontiac jumped up and rammed the Cadillac. And we tried to get the cars

apart, and we couldn't. And so then I drove the cars to the garage. I was

to get the Pontiac fixed before you came home. And, well, I went down a hill,

and a car started to pass me. And I stopped, and the car went on up the

Get it to the top and then it came back down the hill and crashed right into me

and I drove the cars home. That's all there is to it.

think it's going to cost us to have those cars fixed?

Don't worry about that, Fred.

I'm insured.

was going to be so stupid as to let Lucy do it. I called the insurance man

myself. You did?

Well, we got him back.

Now, as far as you are concerned, young lady, Lucy?

I don't think you're getting through to her.

Lucy?

Maybe she's afraid to come back.

I won't do anything to you.

Lucy, I said I wasn't going to do anything to you.

All right, all right, cross my heart.

Bye.

But I didn't promise you that I wasn't going to tell you what I think about

Oh.

Oh, you're just going to tell me, huh?

Yeah.

¿Qué te pasa? ¿Se te perdió el sentido?

¿Qué tú tienes en la cabeza?

¿No tienes nada metido en la cabeza?

¿Está la cabeza hueca?

¿No tienes nada ahí completamente?

Un día de este lo que te voy a coger es como si fuera un pollito. Y te voy a

coger el pescuesecito, lo voy a poner aquí, lo voy a hacer...

I Love Lucy is a Desi Lou production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.