Original subtitles

What's the matter with you? Are you crazy or something? Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sneaking in on somebody like that?

Well, I wanted to be sure Fred wasn't here before I came in. Well, for

sake, why?

I want you to help me with something. What?

Well, I don't know whether I mentioned it or not, but I have a birthday coming

up this week.

Oh, did I mention it?

Only about 18 times in the last three days.

Oh. Well, Fred doesn't seem to have gotten my message.

Where has he been, underwater?

Will you help me?

Well, okay.

I just hope he gives you something nicer than he gave you last year.

Wasn't that awful?

You know, I never did figure out what that was supposed to be.

Neither did I. It was too long to be a stone, too short to be a volleyball net.

You know, on second thought, Ethel, maybe we better keep Fred from finding

it's your birthday.

No. I'd rather have a terrible present than no present at all.

You're right. It's not the gift that counts. It's the lack of thought behind

I'm glad you're going to help me. Hey, why don't you and Fred come over for

dinner tonight? We'll both work on him. Okay.

I'll bring the subject up, and I'll be real subtle, see? Oh, that ought to do

it. Thanks. I'll see you later. All right, darling.

Good.

You want some more cake, Fred? No, thanks.

Um, speaking of cake, did you all see the huge birthday... cake that was in

window of the Speedy Cleaners.

It was the Speedy Cleaners' 40th birthday.

Oh, and I didn't send them anything.

Goldblatt's Delicatessen had a birthday last week.

It was their 50th.

Just seems like everybody in the neighborhood is having a birthday.

Let's see, who else? do we know that has a birthday about this time?

Can I have another cup of coffee, Lucy?

You know, I have the strangest feeling that

someone we all know and love has a birthday coming up very soon.

Someone's going to get clobbered if he doesn't remember.

Excuse me, please.

Want some sugar, Fred?

Ethel's birthday.

Oh, Fred, you know it all the time. Sure.

Why did you let us keep on talking? Yeah, what's the matter with you, Fred?

I just wanted to see how far you two clowns would go.

Just a minute. How come you have this box of candy all ready to give to me?

Well, uh... And with a card that says happy birthday?

Ricky?

Well, uh... If you must know...

This is my emergency present.

Emergency present, huh?

Happy anniversary.

Happy Mother's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, and here's a pip. I'm sorry, dear. Can't we please be friends again?

It might be this chocolate's at three years old.

That's great, Rick. I'll have to remember that gag.

Honestly, these men.

What birthday is it, Ethel?

Ethel, what birthday is it?

Oh, it's mine.

I meant, how old are you gonna be?

She know what you meant.

ask a woman's age.

Thanks, Lucy.

Besides, it's none of your business if Ethel is 53.

I am not.

I'm only... Oh, no, you don't.

Darn it, it almost worked.

You think you're so smart.

I'll never tell you my age. I'll tell you. Fred Merckx, don't you dare.

Go ahead, Fred, tell us. Fred?

Now, honeybunch, I'm not going to tell him your exact age.

Let's just say it's somewhere between the Speedy Cleaners and Goldblatt's

Delicatessen.

Well, so long as you know I got a birthday coming up, where had you

take me to celebrate?

Well, I loved what we did last year, honeybunch.

What was that, Fred?

Well, we just had a cozy little dinner at home, just the two of us. That sounds

very romantic.

Oh, it was. I bought the groceries, I... I cooked the dinner and by the time I

finished washing the dishes, he was in front of the television set asleep.

Happy birthday to me.

I tell you what let's do this year.

Let's all go someplace for a fancy dinner and then go to the theater and

play. Oh, that'd be wonderful. Would you like that? I'd love it. I don't think

that's a very good idea.

Fred, it'd be our present to Ethel. It's on us. Yeah.

Hey, that is a pretty good idea.

Let's play cards.

That was quite a game.

Thanks for a wonderful dinner, Lucy. You're welcome. And, Ricky, thanks in

advance for dinner in the theater on my birthday. That's a wonderful present.

You're welcome. Hey, Fred, you know a present you can give me sometime?

What? You can fix that leaky faucet in the kitchen.

Oh, how long has that been leaking again?

Four months now.

Oh, don't worry. I'll get around to it in due time. Oh, swell.

Come on. Good night, Ricky. Good night.

Okay, I'll be right in.

Fred.

Now, where's that little old leaky faucet?

At this hour.

Well, it was on my mind.

This is just an excuse to get away from Ethel. Oh, oh, oh. Will you do me a

favor? Sure, Fred.

I want you to buy Ethel's present for me.

Oh, sure I can, but why don't you want to do it? Well, she doesn't seem to like

the presents I buy.

What makes you say that?

Well, I've been buying her presents for 26 years now, and after I give them to

her, I'll never see them again.

You buy her something real nice, will you?

With this?

Okay, did she give you any hints about what she wanted? Well, she did say this

morning she needed a new toaster.

Oh, Fred, women don't like practical gifts like toasters.

They like something that's feminine and fun, you know, a gifty gift.

Well, I'll leave the whole thing to you.

Oh, all right. I'll go shopping tomorrow. I'll get her something real

Thank you, honey. Good night.

Good night.

Forgot my ring.

Hey, as long as you're here, how about fixing the faucet? At this hour? Are you

crazy?

Hi, Lucy.

Hey, Ricky got tickets for Over the Teacups. I don't believe it. He did. Go

up and see him. Here I go.

Ethel! Yeah?

Hi. I thought I heard you twice out here. Guess what play Ricky got tickets

What? Over the Teacups.

Over the Teacups? Oh, that's the biggest hit in town. How did he do that?

Well, he said he had to pull a lot of strings, but nothing was too much

for your birthday.

Oh, he's a dear.

He's a real Cuban doll.

This is going to be the best birthday of my whole life. Dinner and a hit play.

Oh.

What's the matter now? I haven't got a thing to wear.

Oh, come now, Ethel. Surely you must have something.

Well, I got a dress that would do, but my coat's so tacky. What coat do you

usually wear?

Yours, but you're going.

You mean that green lame jacket of mine?

It's tarnished.

Maybe you can get it dry cleaned.

Or I could polish it.

You wouldn't believe what that old coat looks like. I'll show you. You know how

many years I've had it anyway.

Uh -oh.

Hey.

What's this?

What's what?

This.

Oh, it must be Fred's present to me.

How do you know?

He always hides them in the closet.

Must be something to wear.

Well, Ethel, aren't you going to peek inside and see what it is?

No, I want to postpone the bad news as long as possible.

Well, Ethel, maybe Fred got you something nice this time.

Let's look.

Well, all right.

Maybe if I get the initial shock over with, I can act pleased when I open it

front of Fred.

his other presents look great.

Well, Ethel, I think they're kind of cute.

What are they?

Well, they're hostess pants.

You wear them when you give smart dinner parties.

Oh, I was wondering what to wear at all those smart dinner parties.

I saw them last month in Harper's Bazaar. Well, they're certainly bizarre.

Well, now, wait a minute, Ethel. Look, you get yourself a little black off -the

-shoulder blouse. and a big crushy belt and little ballet slippers, and you're

all set.

What for, Halloween?

Well, I like them. I think this time Fred made a very good choice. Oh, don't

to defend him, Lucy. Let's face it, all of his taste is in his mouth.

Ethel, I think you're being very ungrateful.

Fred probably put a lot of time and thought into picking these out. He did

I know where they came from.

What I can't figure out is how they got them to fit. in a box of Cracker Jack.

You know, these are so ridiculous, they're funny.

Oh, brother, I'd like to meet the idiot that talked him into this.

who talked him into those.

Oh, Lucy.

Oh, Lucy, I don't believe it. I should have known more than to get you

chic. Chic?

I got no use for those.

I wanted a toaster.

Well,

Fred told me that, but I couldn't believe you could be that dull.

Listen, I'd look better wearing a toaster than I would those checkers.

I should have known better than to get you anything at the Young Modern

Department.

so young and modern, you wear them.

Well, I would. First, I'd have to take them in six inches in the seat.

Oh!

Well, honeybunch, you're going to the theater for your birthday. Yes, sir. It

was tough, but we got the tickets.

Well, you little dickens, you've opened your present.

What did I give you? I mean, how do you like what I gave you?

Oh,

it's no use, Fred. I know Lucy picked them out. You should have stuck with

own taste.

You see, I told you we should have bought the toaster.

Is this what you bought for Ethel? Well,

this is a switch.

You open your present, find out you don't like it, and now you can exchange

before I even give it to you.

Yeah, this way everything works out perfectly.

Yeah, but I'll bet you won't want to exchange these.

No, I won't, because we're not going to accept them.

What? I refuse to go to the... theater with anyone who thinks I'm a

hippopotamus.

Do you call her that?

No. All I did was intimate that she was a little hippie.

But on second glance, she has got the biggest potamus I've ever seen.

Fred, give him back those tickets.

Are you crazy? They cost 660 a piece. I don't care if they cost 660.

We're not going.

Well, I am. Well, take somebody else.

Hey, there's an idea.

and you're going to take them. We're not going.

What?

I have no intentions of going to the theater with someone who thinks my taste

all in my mouth.

Pardon me.

Happy birthday and I hope you live another 75 years.

Hi, Rick. Hi, Fred.

There. Nothing won't use these tickets.

Oh, that's too bad.

Did you ever see anybody as stubborn as that old mule of mine?

Well, Lucy done pretty good.

She wasn't gonna go if Ethel was going. Well, I'll let you know how the play

turns out.

You won't have to. Ethel's got this thing stuck in her craw.

She's got to go to this play on her birthday, and I've got to buy some other

tickets. You can't buy any other tickets, Fred. It's a sellout.

Well... Hey, wait a minute.

I'll tell you what we'll do. What?

Here.

You pay me for these, and you tell Ethel that you bought two tickets.

What about Lucy?

I'll tell Lucy that you gave me your tickets back, and I sold them.

That way, they'll both agree to go.

Well, what are you going to do about our two mules sitting next to each other?

Put blinkers on them?

You know how they are. By tomorrow night, they'll be the best of friends.

can't stay mad at each other.

You're right. Sure.

I'll go and tell...

Francis, I bought the ticket.

Okay, friend.

See you later.

I guess it's right

here.

Low seat.

Second and third in. Pardon me.

Sorry.

ECs aren't bad, considering how tough they were to get.

Wasn't that a break? They had a cancellation just as you got to the box

Yep, yep.

You didn't see Lucy at all today, huh?

I saw her. I didn't speak to her.

I thought probably you'd made up. You two are pretty good friends, you know.

Eh.

Let me look around, huh?

Oh.

People who come to the theater always look so intellectual and well -groomed.

Present company accepted.

Wonder who those two people are.

Oh, I hope they don't come in late and crawl all over us. If there's anything I

can't stand, it's people who come in late and crawl all over you.

Curtain's going up.

What are you doing here? What are you doing here?

I thought you said you took those tickets back. I thought you got our

the box office.

I thought you'd be friends by now.

We're not.

Go on, lady.

I can't hold this all night.

Sportsman.

They're delicious.

I would.

Fred, can I look through your binoculars? I don't care.

ever has too many friends.

Friendship is a terribly important thing, Cynthia.

As a matter of fact, friends are about the most important thing in the world.

Don't let a friend get away.

You'll be sorry.

That's a hot one.

I'd like to hear this play, if you don't mind.

I'll tell you the thing, dear.

Who's stopping you? It's not easy. You are, by talking so much. Shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh.

Hello?

Ouch! Would you please sit down and stop making so much noise?

I wasn't talking to you. I wasn't talking any more than you were.

We're switching. We're switching.

Sit over here where I am.

Sit over here. Sit there.

I lost my shoe. What? My shoe.

Your shoe?

There's your shoe.

of mine.

What about her?

What about her, John?

We just got a cable from the Riviera where she's been vacationed. Yes, this

country isn't good enough for her.

Well, what about her?

She's dead.

Dead?

I don't believe it.

Marie, God!

Cynthia, Cynthia, you've got to get home.

too much, Cynthia.

I should have been bigger.

We were both too...

I Love Lucy is a Desi Lou production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.