Original subtitles

Oh, boy, this kid's half asleep already. How you doing, Fred?

I'm putting her through.

Hi there, young fella. You know, I think I got something here for you. Hi. Hi.

How do you like that?

Thank you. Oh, he said gracias.

He gets more like his father every day.

Well, that was very nice, sweetheart.

He's a little Cuban daddy, all right.

Gracias.

Fred, I appreciate your concern over our safety, but you haven't worried about

it for 13 years. Why are you worrying now?

Well, that was Ethel's idea.

Oh. She saw in the paper where some crook posed as a door -to -door salesman

he could get into apartments and then rob the place.

I read that. I didn't think much about it.

Well, you know how she is. One little thing happens and she thinks the sky is

falling. Most door -to -door salesmen I've met are very honest.

Well, I know it and you know it, but try and tell it to Chicken Little.

There.

Now you've got a brand new burglar -proof chain.

Thank you, Fred.

You're welcome.

What happened?

You just broke through Fred's burglar -proof chain.

Fred, can't you ever do anything right?

Fred, can't you ever do anything right?

You're not supposed to come charging in there like a bull out of a chute.

If you'd have fixed it right, it wouldn't have pulled out.

Your weight, you could come through that wall without a door.

Oh, keep quieter. I'll sit on you.

I'll go down in the basement and see if I can find some balls strong enough to

hold that against the charge of the heavy brigade.

Okay. Do that. And fix every door in every apartment in this building.

Do that. Fix every door in every apartment in this building. I'm going to

that. How come you're such a scaredy cat all of a sudden? Oh, listen, people are

going around posing as all sorts of things just to get into apartments.

They're posing as reporters and salesmen and who knows what. Didn't you read

this article in the paper this morning?

Yeah, I read it. I didn't think much about it. Well, I'm never going to let

anybody in my door again.

What happens if I want to come over? What's the password?

You still want me to babysit while you go to the dentist?

The dentist!

For heaven's sake, it took me three weeks to get the appointment.

Oh, gosh.

How do you like that?

I'll be back in an hour. Okay.

I had read all those magazines.

Well, that ought to do it.

Oh, Fred, those big bolts look awful.

Can't you make it look a little neater?

What are you talking about? A couple of dabs of paint and you'll never notice

it. Anyway, this protects you against anything.

Why be half safe?

Honey or something?

Locked that thing and then called me back?

I called you back to tell you that the lock got stuck.

It's impossible for that lock to get stuck. Well, it did get stuck. Come on,

I'll show you.

Lock handkerchief.

Oh, humbug.

I'll go down and get some new tools. Yeah, and fix it right this time. This

lot of protection.

Good afternoon. Is Mr. Ricardo home?

Why? Well, I have an appointment with him. Oh, you have?

Yes. Are you Mrs. Ricardo?

Who wants to know?

My name is Benjamin, Ben Benjamin, and I have an appointment with Mr. Ricardo.

Well, he's not at home right now.

Madam.

Would you mind if I come in and wait?

Yes, I would mind.

Who are you anyway? What do you want?

Well, I happen to be a talent scout for motion pictures. A talent scout?

That's a good one.

Don't you come and tell me that's a new one.

Stop your screaming, will you? Come now.

Don't scream.

Oh, thank goodness, Lucy, you got here just in time.

He really tried to break in, huh? I'll say he did. He said he was a talent

from Hollywood, and you wouldn't believe that article in the paper this morning.

Well, I believe it now when I see what he did to that door.

Oh, well, I've got to call the police. Yes, call the police.

Hello?

Oh, Ricky, I'm glad you called. Listen, something just... What?

Well, honey, my news is important, too. Now, listen, just when I... Oh, all

right, go ahead.

A talent scout is coming here to see you this afternoon.

His name is Benjamin.

Oh, honey, don't worry.

I'll take care of him until you get here.

Yeah, goodbye. What?

My news?

Spilt the milk all over.

The baby, the baby.

Oh, Ethel, what's the matter with you? I'm sorry, Lucy. No time to be sorry.

Ricky called from the drugstore down there. He'll be here any minute. What do

do with poor Mr. Benjamin?

Put him up on there. Oh, yeah. Put him up on there. Oh.

Oh. Oh. He said he was a talent scout. I didn't believe he was a talent scout.

Oh, for heaven's sake. I didn't believe that thing. Oh.

Shall we lie him down, Lizzie? No.

Hit him up. Hit him up. Why?

I don't want him to know that I'm the one that hit him. It'll be the end of

Ricky's career in pictures to say nothing of mine.

Yours. Now, listen.

When he wakes up.

We'll just be sitting here, naturally, talking to him, you know, and we'll

pretend we don't know what he's talking about when he says somebody hit him on

the head. That's a great idea.

All right.

Help me clean this up. Oh, clean it? Oh, Lucy. Gosh, look at this.

Couldn't you have got something else to hit him with? For God's sake.

Quick, you'll think the baby did it. Here, straighten out his hat.

Okay, straighten out his hat.

up his coat.

Well, I'll put it right there in the stool.

Mr.

Benjamin, where'd he go? Mr. Benjamin!

Oh, Mr. Benjamin!

Oh,

for heaven's sake.

Oh, let's see now.

Let's see. Let's make him look kind of natural.

Let's see there.

Yeah. Let's see if he smokes.

Yeah.

His hair's messed up. Comb his hair. Comb his hair.

Okay,

sit down.

Sit down.

Sit back

and

relax.

as she does on...

You

were saying, Mr. Benjamin, that Elizabeth Taylor looks just as pretty

screen as she is on. Is that right?

Uh...

Who am I?

Oh,

surely you must be joking, Mr. Benjamin, or my name isn't Lucy

Ricardo.

Oh, so then you're Mrs.

Ricardo. Oh, you silly boy, of course. Well, I don't understand this.

When I came in... What's the matter?

I have an awful headache.

Oh, too bad.

Look, when I first came in here, didn't you scream and... Scream?

Why should I scream? You know, dear, you did call me. You said, Lucy.

And then I came out and hung up Mr. Benjamin's coat and hat.

And since then, we've just been sitting here having a delightful chat with you,

Mr. Benjamin. You really... Hi, honey.

Oh, hi, dear. Mr. Benjamin came in right after you called.

Oh, hello, Mr. Benjamin. How are you?

All right.

Well, goodbye, Mr. Benjamin. It's just been delightful talking to you.

Thank you. Bye.

Mr. Benjamin, my agent says that you want to see me about a screen test.

A screen?

Oh, oh, yes, yes. Our studio is making a picture about the life of Don Juan.

Don Juan! Oh, Ricky, that'd be just perfect for you, Spanish and everything.

Lucy? Yes, sir?

Mr. Benjamin, that sounds very, very exciting.

Is it going to be a cinemascopy in the city of Norfolk?

I beg your pardon? Is he going to be cinemascope and stereophic?

Uh, uh, Mr. Benjamin, I think he means cinemascope and stereophonic. That's

I said.

That's what he said.

Oh, probably.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but I don't feel very well. I have an awful headache.

Oh, that's too bad. Look, I, uh, I have a script here with me.

There's a scene in it here somewhere that's marked. You can find it. If

just read that over, and I'll be back in a couple of days. You can read it for

me, and then if it sounds all right, we'll give you a screen test.

Well, that would be wonderful, Mr. Benjamin.

I'm awfully happy to have met you, Mrs. Ricardo. Thank you. I'll get your coat,

sir.

I'll be seeing you then in a couple of days. Yes, sir. Okay, Ricky.

Here you are, sir.

Thank you.

Bye.

He's a nice fellow. Too bad he's got a headache. Well, those things come on

you know. Sometimes you just don't know what hit you.

Too bad.

Yes?

It is I, a lovely one.

Would that I had the power to tell you what is in my heart tonight.

Yes, it is I, oh lovely one.

Would that I had the power to tell you what is in my heart tonight.

Would that you had the power to read that speech right.

What's wrong with it? The same thing I've been telling you all day. You're

too stiff, Ricky. You have to loosen up. Relax.

Not an ape.

Now, look, you're getting me all mixed up. I am not.

It's just that you can't just stand there and just say the words.

In pictures, you have to be a personality.

You have to develop a distinctive way of talking, like Humphrey Bogart.

Oh, yeah, I see what you mean.

Look, would you leave me alone? I've been in show business a long time.

Doesn't make you an actor just because you've been shouting Babaloo and beating

on a cowhide. Oh, yeah?

Who do you think you are, Sarah Bernhardt?

I don't have to be Sarah Bernhardt to tell you a few things. Hey, what's going

on? Oh, I'm trying to make an actor out of him, but he just refuses.

He keeps telling me to do things that I know are wrong. They are not.

Well, what do you want him to do?

Well, for one thing, I'd like him to develop a distinctive way of speaking.

Ricky?

I'll show you what she wants me to do. Go ahead, sit down. I'll show you.

Sit down, honey.

Here's the way she wants me to do it.

Would that I could ask you to fly with me.

For I know that you are devoted to your husband, Count de Renssel.

It is you I love, my lover. You are so young and strong.

But he is old and feeble and he needs me.

But for him, I will sweep you into my arms and carry you over a young garden

wall.

Oh, my heart.

My poor, poor heart.

What of your heart?

It thinks.

That's not the only thing.

Now, you shut up.

I told you it was now seen. Oh, I don't think you should have taken on your own.

I've been in show business a long, long time. You've got a rich mind. All right,

all right. You're not doing what I told you to do. All right, all ready.

Will you please do me a favor and leave me alone?

Oh. now, Ricky?

I want to do it my way.

Oh, fine.

Would that I had the power to take you and fly over Yon Garden. Oh, great.

That would be great.

I was just trying things out.

That's not the way I'm going to do it. Yeah. Now, out, everybody.

Oh, my God. Now, please. Go play cards. I got a lot of work to do. I'll help you

out. Will you please go play cards?

Thank you.

Yes, it is I, a lovely one.

Would that I had the power to tell you what is in my heart tonight.

Would that I could ask you to fly with me.

But I know that you're devoted to your husband, Count Lorenzo.

But for him, I would sweep you into my arms and lift you over your garden wall.

Oh, my heart.

My poor, poor heart.

To think it can never be one with yours.

No, no, I'm sorry, Mrs. Sawyer.

Yes, dear, it's true. A talent scout is coming over tonight, but it's only to

listen to Ricky.

No, I'm sure he wouldn't be interested in your French poodle. You see, this is

Spanish picture.

Yes, that's right.

Okay, goodbye.

Goodbye. Honestly, this has been going on all morning.

What has? People calling up and wanting to audition tonight.

No kidding.

How did they find out?

I don't know. I didn't tell anybody. Did you?

Certainly not.

I didn't tell a soul, and they all promised to keep it a secret.

You know, I never knew this neighborhood was so full of frustrated performers.

At last, I found out where vaudeville went to die.

Oh, no. Now, who is this?

Oh, Mrs. Trumbull. Hello, Miss Riccardo.

I'm returning that cup of sugar I borrowed from you.

Oh, fine.

Well, come in and sit down.

Did you by any chance hear that a talent scout was coming here tonight?

Yes, I did hear a little rumor.

Well, you have a very lovely voice, dear, but this gentleman is coming here

tonight just to hear Ricky read for the lead in Don Juan.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

That's right.

Miss Riccardo, I'll just take back that sugar.

Oh, oh, I thought you were returning it. Oh, I didn't really owe it to you. That

was just a ruse. Oh, oh.

Ah, sweet mystery, why did I stay?

Isn't she a doll?

Sure is.

Oh, the back door. Next, they'll be coming through the windows.

Oh, hi, Pete.

Hi, Mrs. Ricardo. Hi, Mrs. March.

Oh, I was saying, Mrs.

Ricardo. Before you say another word, Pete, it's a Spanish picture, and there

no room in it for whatever you do.

What are you talking about?

I was just going to tell you we're all out of melon.

Oh, I'm sorry, Pete.

It's just that everybody in the neighborhood's been calling up and

audition for a talent scout that's coming here tonight.

Oh, I hadn't heard a word about it. Well, good. But now that you mention it,

do play the trumpet. Just forget it. But, Mrs. Ricardo, when I play the

I'm real gone.

Then go, man, go.

Honestly, isn't it awful?

After all, Ethel, if there are any extra parts in that picture, you and I could

certainly...

I never even thought to look at it.

Don Juan, the Count, the Countess. They'll be the stars. Now look, here.

are. Isabella, a beautiful peasant girl. A Marilyn Monroe type.

That's perfect.

Of course.

Is there a part for you?

I was referring to me.

You? I'm the blonde in this group.

Well, I could be a blonde as easy as you can.

There's a Marilyn Monroe star.

She has a way of carrying herself and a way of smiling. Hey, what's the beef,

kid? Here's Fred. We'll let him settle it. Fred, I think I look more like

Marilyn Monroe than Lucy does. And I think I look more like Marilyn Monroe

Ethel does. What do you think?

I think I look more like her than either one of you.

Fred, you're a big help.

What's all this about, anyway? Well, we were just looking at this script. And

there may be parts for all of us in it. And one of them is a Marilyn Monroe...

Now, so I said I thought... Oh, for Pete's sake, can't you two let Ricky do

little thing without horning in?

Can't you live your life without putting your nose in... What,

for all of us? Now, look, Fred.

Fred, you were right. You were right. This is Ricky's big chance, and I think

should keep completely out of it. Huh? Don't you, Ethel?

Uh, oh, yeah. Yes.

Yes. We'll let Ricky do this all by himself.

Yes. This is Ricky's big day.

Let's let him have it. Huh? Okay?

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Hey, what time is that talent scout supposed to arrive?

Lucy said he'd get here around 7 .30. Sit down.

Guess. Humphrey Bogart in a wig.

What are you two all dressed up for? We're a Spanish dance team.

selfish attitude to take.

Where is Ricky?

He's down picking up Mr. Benjamin. Now listen, you two, get out of here.

There he is.

Sit down and be quiet.

think you're doing?

Who are you supposed to be?

Gorgeous George.

Now look, Pete, there's no point in your... There he is. Sit down and be

will you?

Mrs. Trumbull. Mrs.

Trumbull, the talent scout isn't here yet.

Oh, nuts.

Has he still got a headache?

Isn't that wonderful news, honey? I got the screen test.

Yeah, honey, wonderful.

Anything new at home?

No, dear, everything here is about as usual.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.