Original subtitles

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Did you miss it? I certainly did. The baby left it over at my house. Well,

thanks, honey.

Well, where's Cousin Ernie, your star boarder?

Oh, he went to the zoo again.

He likes to look at those animals, doesn't he? Well, I think it's about 50

Gee, I wish he had enough money to go back to Tennessee.

Why don't you buy him a ticket? Oh, we offered to, but he wouldn't accept it.

Won't accept charity, you know.

If he keeps on eating the way he does, we're going to need charity.

Hi. Oh, hi. Hi, Ethel. Hi. I got to go do my dishes. Okay.

Good luck.

Okay.

Good luck about what?

Getting rid of our star boarder, Cousin Ernie.

Well, honey, your worries are over.

By tomorrow afternoon, somebody's going to be on the way to Benford, Tennessee.

How come?

Well, just get a load of this.

What is it?

This is a bus ticket to Bent Fork. He won't take it.

I know he won't, but I have a plan that will work.

Oh, I get it. We'll leave him here and we'll go to Bent Fork.

No, no, he won't take it because of his pride, right?

Right. All right, so we won't give it to him.

Suppose he finds it.

Oh. Ah.

Now, where can I put it so he'll be sure to find it?

In the refrigerator.

No, no. Now, suppose that somebody lost the ticket in the hallway someplace.

You know, just like so.

Eh? Yeah. And then we ask Ernie to go over to the Mercedes and get something

us. So he goes down the hall.

Ah!

The ticket.

To Ben Fork.

He can't miss it. Pretty clever, huh?

Well, it finally happened.

What has?

After 13 years of marriage, you're beginning to think like me.

Me.

Hi, Cousin Ricky.

Hi. Hi, Cousin Lucy. Hi. Hi.

Did you have fun at the zoo?

I sure did. You know, while I was down there, I seen a friend of mine.

Oh, which cage was he in?

Cousin Lucy, you are a caution to the jaybirds.

And you know, this fella's name was Lester Bike, and I run over there to try

talk to him, and he just disappeared into the crowd somewhere.

Ernie, Ernie.

Will you do me a favor and go over to Fred Merz and ask him if he will lend me

the spore session?

Why, sure.

Sure.

What's the spore session?

That is the sports section in the newspaper.

Oh, yeah, yeah. All right.

Wait a minute. I've seen that around here somewhere this morning. Wait a

Not over here. Here it is, right here. There you are.

Uh -oh.

There. Thank you.

Ernie, would you ask everyone if I could borrow her potato masher?

No sooner said than did.

Thank you, Ernie. All right. Well,

I'll be jumped up and dinged down.

He found it.

Where'd he go?

I don't know.

That's funny.

He's not there.

Well, where could he have gone?

You don't suppose he got so excited he ran down and jumped on the bus?

Not without asking me to pack him a lunch first.

Hey, I hear...

Cock your pistol,

coach. You ain't gonna believe this no ham.

What? What happened, Ernie? What happened? I was going down the hall, and

there on the carpet, just as plain as the nose on your face, was a bus ticket.

And do you know where it was to?

Where? Bent Fork.

All the way there?

Yes, sirree, there.

Ain't that a clowinky dinky?

Well, imagine a bus ticket to Bent Fork.

Imagine that. I bet it made you happy finding it, eh? Yeah, it did at first,

but...

I got to thinking of the poor critter that lost it.

I said to myself, somewhere, somebody ain't a -going to Bent Fork.

Ernie, where is the ticket?

Yeah, where's the ticket, Ernie? Well, that's the best part of it. I run down

the street, and the very first feller I seen was the feller that lost the

ticket.

poor raggedy suit, and he looked so poorly, and I could tell he could ill

such a loss.

My, the tears of joy run down his face when I give him his ticket.

Ain't it wonderful how a story like that turns out?

Why, looky there, Cousin Ricky's got tears of joy running down his face.

Would it be possible for you to pick it up and fix it and get it back before my

husband gets home tonight?

Well, I'd certainly appreciate it. Thank you very much.

Lucy, did you hear an explosion a few minutes ago?

Indeed I did. It came from our living room.

It did? What happened?

Well, cock your pistol, Ethel. You're not going to believe this.

Did you ever watch Millican's Chicken Mash Hour on television?

No. Well, there's a man named Lester Bike.

who is Master of Ceremonies on Milliken's Chicken Mash Hour. And he

from Bent Fork, Tennessee.

Yeah, well, go on. What happened? Well, Ernie was watching television, Lester

Byke came on, and Ernie jumped up and hollered, Well, I'll be ding -danged if

ain't Cousin Lester.

Hiya, Cousin Lester! And he ran over and clapped him on the back. On the tube, I

should say.

No. Yes, and the whole set exploded.

Oh, my goodness.

You are just in time to help me clean up. Come, girl.

Oh, Lucy.

Oh, my goodness. Well, how's Cousin Ernie? Is he hurt?

Don't be silly. He's on his way down to the television station to tell Cousin

Lester he's sorry he hit him so hard.

Now, that boy has got to go. There must be some way to get rid of him. Oh, if he

just wasn't so darn nice.

As much as I want to get rid of him, I just couldn't hurt him.

Why don't you get him a job?

Oh, we thought of that, but there's only one thing he can do, and there's not

much demand for a professional eater.

By the time I get that set paid for, I'm not going to be able to keep him in

groceries. The food that that boy can put away, honestly.

Hey, that ought to do it. What?

I... have a notion that when the food goes, so will Cousin Ernie.

Of course.

I'll tell him we're broke.

I'll tell him that Ricky lost his job. Yes.

Will you help me? Sure. Listen, here's what I want Fred and you to do.

From the great Atlantic Ocean to the wide Pacific shore, to the green

old flowing mountains, to the Southvale by the moor, she's mighty tall and

handsome, she's known quite well by all.

combination called a Wabash Cannonball.

Listen to the jingle, the rumble, and the roar.

Cousin Lucy!

Yeah?

He's breakfast about ready.

Them clothes you're wearing.

Oh, you noticed them.

I couldn't help it.

That sweater, you remind me of my grandma.

Ernie, about breakfast.

Is it ready?

Look, Ernie, you know you're welcome to anything we've got, but come

in the kitchen.

Thank you.

Somebody around here has been acting a hog.

No, it's worse than that, Ernie.

Sit down.

There's your breakfast and lunch.

Breakfast and lunch?

Chew it slowly.

It'll last longer.

Chew it.

Go ahead, ain't bad.

You see who's at the door, Ernie?

Uh -huh.

Hello,

Ernie. Is Lucy home?

Yeah, yeah. Cousin Lucy!

Company's wrapped in!

Hello, Ethel.

You poor little thing.

We brought you some food.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. Bread, flour, milk.

You saved my baby's life.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

And I brought you an old dress of mine, darling. Oh, you're so good to me.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, it's the least we could do, considering we got to kick you out of

apartment. We hate to do it, but you're six months behind on the rent. And since

we heard... Let's not talk in front of company.

Cousin Ernie doesn't know that Ricky lost his J -O -B.

Now, darling, you know you can count on us for help. I know. You're real, true

friends.

Thank you. Come, Fred.

Yeah. Bye. Bye.

Ah, Cousin Lucy.

Yes, Cousin Earl. I don't want to be a nosy parker.

And I don't understand this J -O -B.

But I think there's something wrong around here.

Whatever makes you think that.

You got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool old Ernie.

I think there's a polecat in the hen house.

Well, I guess we can't keep it from you any longer.

You're right, Ernie.

Something is wrong.

Mighty wrong.

Mighty wrong.

We are broke.

Ricky's lost his job.

We're penniless.

Don't you go and take on like that now, now, now, now, now.

Oh, I don't mind for myself.

I don't mind not having anything to eat, not having any place to live.

But the bitterest pill of all is not being able to afford you with us

Oh, what the hen feathers. That's nothing.

Look, I... I'll just hightail it right on back to Bent Fort.

Well, maybe that would be best, Ernie.

Well, I'll go pack my other shirt.

Mama Alder said I had a lot of get up and go.

So I'll just get up and go.

Lucy?

Hasn't he gone yet?

Sure, he left an hour ago with a suitcase in his hand, his hat on his

a lump in his throat.

Why are you still in those clothes?

Oh, I just want Ricky to see how I look. Oh.

Well, then you won't need our runaway bed anymore. No, I won't, Fred. Thank

very much. Let's get it out of her way. Yeah. I'd appreciate it. It's a mighty

handy thing to have around, though, I can tell you that.

Here we go.

Okay.

Yep, it's me, Cousin Fred. You might as well put that runaway bed back where you

got it. I'm a stand.

But, Ernie, I told you, we're broke. They're wiped out.

I know it.

That's why I'm a stand.

Cousin Lucy, I ain't a -leaving you in your time of need.

I got this fur as a corner, and I stopped dead in my tracks.

It hit me like a hickory maw.

I said to myself,

You're a rat leaving a sinking ship.

Oh, now, Ernie, you shouldn't feel like that. You just go on home. We'll manage.

Sure, we'll help him. You can keep the apartment for another month.

You can go ahead home.

Yeah. Now, you all hash up.

I stayed with you while you were eating high on the hog.

And I'm going to stick to you while you're down around the hocks.

Oh, Ernie, really, if I... Hi. Hi, Rick.

Hi, cousin.

Hi, amigo.

What's the matter with you?

I was just telling Ernie how we were broke and we couldn't afford to keep him

here any longer. And the reason that we were all... What do you mean broke?

Now, don't you go putting on none for me there, cousin Ricky.

Cousin Lucy told me all about you losing your J -O -B.

What? That's right, and now's when you need a real friend.

And I ain't the only friend you've got, neither.

What do you mean, Ernie? Well, sir, on the way back up here, I stopped down at

the grocery store.

And the fellow there was that amazed when I told him you'd been picked

than a hound's tooth.

You told the grocery man that we were broke?

Yep, and look what he gave me. Oh, scoot over there. This is just going to

tickle you to death.

I'll tell you, he's the nicest.

Now, there's some day -old bread.

Here's some of the canned goods that's lost the labels off of it.

Ernie, the Ricardos, they don't want anybody to know they're broke.

I never took no stock in foolish pride.

Now, down home, when folks got into trouble, the neighbors all pitched in

helped. And I'm happy to report...

that your neighbors here in New York are just as friendly as they are in

Tennessee.

Why do you say that, Ernie? I took up a collection of all your neighbors here in

this apartment.

Oh, yeah.

And look here, we didn't do bad, neither. Looky there.

You know, when folks get hard up, it's just wonderful.

Hi. Hi. How'd everything go?

All right. How's the baby? Haven't heard a peep out of him.

Ricky come back yet? No.

I have never seen him so mad. Neither have I.

He just started to shake and walked out of the door.

He didn't say a word to you. I wonder why.

He was afraid.

Afraid of what?

Afraid he might kill me.

Where's Ernie? I don't know. He just said, I got an ID and left.

Well, everybody took their money back and I got 42 cents left over.

I'll bet that belonged to Ernie.

That's all the money he had left in the world.

Oh, dear.

If I wasn't so sick and tired of him, I'd like him.

Well, how are you going to get rid of him now?

I'm not even going to try. I give up.

Oh, Lucy, you'll stay here forever.

Well, we'll get used to him through the years. Who knows, someday we may even

adopt him.

I've got to go put my roast on. If you need any help when Ricky comes, just

yell. All right, dear.

Here comes Ricky.

Hi.

Hi, Eva.

Is that a smile?

I got to thinking about it.

I just can't get mad at that guy.

That's right, honey. He is so sweet and so nice.

Imagine him taking up a collection for us. How about that?

Well, honey, I guess we'll just have to figure out a way to get rid of him

without hurting his feelings. That's right, honey. I just can't do it. No.

Catch Lucy!

Catch Lucy!

Here comes my oldest boy.

Catch Lucy!

Your troubles is all over.

Wins is a going on Millican's chicken mash hour.

Who is Wins?

Oh, me and you and Cousin Ricky and Cousin Ethel and Cousin Fred.

Now, wait. Just count millions out of you all's wins.

Well, now, don't say the preserves is spot till you've tucked the lid off the

jar.

What does he mean by that? I don't know, but keep the lid on that jar.

But can't you see that this fixes everything?

They'll pay $200 for one appearance of Ernest Ford and his four hot

chicken pickers.

Hot chicken pickers? Yeah. No, no, no. Look, Ernie, Ernie, really, we don't

the money. Really, we don't.

Now, as the whale said when he seen Jonah standing on the bank, I ain't a

swaller than that.

Look, Ernie, it's very nice of you, but we ain't the hot chicken picking type.

Then I guess I'll never get back to Bent Fork. Why not?

Well, you see, with that $200, that'll pay my bus fare back to Bent Fork. Then

I'll have about $175 left.

And that ought to do you all about, oh, six months or so.

But if you don't cotton to the idea, I reckon I'll just have to sit around here

till I think of something better.

Ernie. Hmm?

You mean if we go on this television show with you, you'll be able to go back

Benford? Right after the last twang of the guitar, I'll be a -headin' home

quicker than a bobcat of the burr under his tail.

Ricky, what do you say?

Bring on the hot chickens and let's start picking.

And now, friends and neighbors, Milliken's Chicken Mash Hour is proud to

for the first time on television a group that come clean from Bent Fork,

Tennessee.

Ernie Ford and his four hot chicken pickers. There they are.

Clap your partner, pat her on the head. If she don't like biscuits, feed her

cornbread. Hook your belly down, hook your Tracy. Come on, boy, we're going.

Tracy!

All the cows and chickens miss you too.

Jim and June can sip some cider. Ma and Pop can ride the glider. Cousin Rick can

yodel babble.

Lester Byke was played by Dick Reeves, and Ernie was played by Ernie Ford.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.